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TROLL II - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1992 Filmirage
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
  • Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
  • Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
  • Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
  • Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
  • Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
  • Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
  • The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.

So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.

The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.

Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.

Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.

Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.

"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.

Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
  • Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
  • Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
  • The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
  • Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
  • Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
  • Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
  • Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
  • Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
  • 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
  • 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
  • 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
  • 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD ACTOR!
  • 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
  • 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
  • 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
  • 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note trollii1.wav Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
Green Music Note trollii2.wav Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too."
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
Green Music Note trollii3.wav Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?"
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
Green Music Note trollii4.wav Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptrollii1.mpg - 2.7m
It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 ... 9
Troll II
Reply #25. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by B-Movie Man
I remember renting this movie when I was 6, when Blockbuster didn't discriminate about certain horror flicks. I liked the first Troll, it was good fun, but then I rented this extremely dastardly sequel with actors who have only this credit to their name...WHAT A SHAME!
This has got to be one of the worst films of all time, even the IMD agrees with me, its on the top 20 worst somewhere. Only good for a GREATER laugh. I cannot believe you guys rated the original less though. I thought that was fun, and the fact that the kid's name is Harry Potter 15 or so years b4 the craze is sorta funny.
Troll II
Reply #26. Posted on February 27, 2002, 11:56:05 PM by TROLL HUNTER
Greetings fellow Troll lovers. Has anyone noticed that in TROLL 1 the charachter was named Harry Potter, and he was learning magic from the witch upstairs who had a teacher named Galwin or some such?. Except for that the movie stunk worse than Troll dung.
Troll II
Reply #27. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by M Kauffmann
Just rented this. The tape was actually not rewound, just played half way through...exactly as the review predicted, I laughed my ass off therefore even before I started watching.

I'd been waiting a long time to find a copy of this, and I wasn't let down, except for the last half-hour or so which was bad/boring, and not bad/hilarious as the first hour is.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said however. The acting is atrocious, the script bewildering, the fx truly catastrophic in their ineptitude. But above and beyond all that it just stinks, stinks enough to be bloody entertaining!

My fav scene? Definately the insane sing-a-long in the car. ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT!! ROW ROW ROW YOUR (ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT!!!) GENTLY UP THE (GENTLY UP THE STREAM) UP THE STREAM (ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT) MERRILY (GENTLY UP THE STREAM) I mean did they have to be screaming this song and making the poor traumatised kid lead.
Troll II
Reply #28. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by leopard
i acually bought this film on dvd becuse it was only £5
i should hsve kept my money.wat a pile of cr*p this is movies at there lowest infact i couldnt watch it to the end.
Troll II
Reply #29. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by chlegm mologna
This movie is really something--I just haven't figured out exactly what it is yet.  It was almost painful to watch at times, but somehow, thoroughly entertaining.  Like a train wreck!  What I don't know is, why would you want to get involved with a girl whose dad will "cut off your little nuts and eat them", especially a girl who has such a "pleasant" demeanor?  

All in all, a terrible movie with a little of bit of everything you love about bad movies.
Troll II
Reply #30. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Joe
I saw this movie six years ago on Showtime - I must have been real bored to watch the whole thing through!
I think I remember the sister being kind of cute, and was surprised to learn this film was made in 1992 instead of 1986!
My favorite scene is when the boy has to stop his family from eating the food that will turn them into plants for the goblins to eat - the grandfather freezes time (I think) and warns the boy, who then stands up on the table and realizes to his own distaste (notice the grimace on his face as he says to himself, "I HAVE to...I HAVE to...!") that he has to urinate on the food to save his family!
The father was far more lenient than most fathers would be after their son just p**sed all over their dinner!
The last scene was also good - where the mother had finally been turned into vegetable matter and the goblins were feasting on her....the son walks in and sees it and the goblin grins and says, "MMmmmm.....yummy Mommy!".
Troll II
Reply #31. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Ryan J. Kenner
I remember when this movie came out, it played in the local drive-in, In Northfield. I was about 10 or 11 and I remember finding the movie so bad it was funny, and now that it's been at least a decade later, the movie is still a riot! When I boughht it from the local video rental place, the movie had been like 15 minutes into it, where that nerd got turned into a plant.  I actually know a guy in Salt Lake City who played one of the goblins, and he told me that he had never seen such a cheesy production. Overall the movie is a bottom of the barrel turd but it makes for a great guilty pleasure.
Troll II
Reply #32. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by OMGWTF
My old friends introduced me to Troll 2 nearly three years ago over a delightful evening of caffiene pills, Miller Lite, and vomiting. I was the only one sober enough to actually watch the movie. The Erotic Corn Cob sequence will stick with me for life. Also take note that the father's shirt is less buttoned in every scene. We're still not quite sure if my friends' regurgitation was caused by alcohol or this movie...
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