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TROLL II - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1992 Filmirage
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
  • Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
  • Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
  • Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
  • Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
  • Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
  • Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
  • The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.

So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.

The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.

Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.

Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.

Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.

"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.

Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
  • Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
  • Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
  • The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
  • Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
  • Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
  • Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
  • Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
  • Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
  • 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
  • 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
  • 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
  • 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD ACTOR!
  • 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
  • 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
  • 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
  • 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note trollii1.wav Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
Green Music Note trollii2.wav Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too."
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
Green Music Note trollii3.wav Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?"
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
Green Music Note trollii4.wav Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptrollii1.mpg - 2.7m
It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7 8 9
Troll II
Reply #41. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Patrick
This is just one of the greatest films ever made. The acting (the mother, dead grandfather etc etc etc...) is so bad that I can't find words for it. You'll laugh to death in almost every scene just because of the acting. It looks like they're just reading of the manuscript word-wise. The costumes on the goblins looks like some cheap halloween costume. One of them even has his eyes fixed at the same position the whole movie! If you're up for a laughter, don't hesitate in buying this amzing movie!
Troll II
Reply #42. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Volstag
This is my first, or second (?), time visiting this site.  I guess I'm somewhat perplexed as to how the movies are rated here.  One would think that the ultimate bad-movie would get 5 stars, whereas actually decent films would receive less stars (because they're "less bad" -- if that makes any sense).  For example: Army of Darkness receives 4 stars on this site, whereas Troll II receives 2 stars.  Troll II is infinitely worse than Army of Darkness, in every conceivable way.  AoD is actually a damn good movie -- in fact, I would go so far as to suggest that it doesn't even belong on this site.

But anyway, Troll II, IMO, is one of the best "worst" movies ever made.  It's one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've ever seen -- it, literally, blows away mainstream comedies for pure mirth value.  Anyone who is a fan of bad movies owes it to themselves (and their beer swilling buddies) to rent/buy this movie and watch it at least twice a year.
Troll II
Reply #43. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by BorgPuppy
Don't look now--it's coming on DVD! With the first one!
http://www.deepdiscountdvd.com/dvd.cfm?itemid=MGD004880
Troll II
Reply #44. Posted on October 18, 2003, 06:00:22 PM by BigDoug
I have never laughed so much at something that was never meant to be funny. Did they actually expect people to take this movie seriously when they released it? my favorite part is that horrible music. Anybody know where i can get the soundtrack?
Troll II
Reply #45. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jim
It's been a long, long time since I've seen this movie, but for some reason it has stuck in my mind. Unlike other B-movies, this is the bad kind of stuck. I guess it scarred me for life. I'm glad I can finally "exercise these demons." Where do I start? The kid p**sing on the food (that looks suspicious to begin with. I have no idea why anyone would eat that crap), the never-ending streams of uninteresting green blood, the sign being spelled backwards (as if you couldn't figure it out), and the fact that they actually made a sequel to Troll. This is not a guilty pleasure movie, it's just guilty.
Troll II
Reply #46. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by James Perry
God this films sucks!  I wonder why this never appeared on MST3K?  They (and WE) would've had a ball!  When Mystery Science Theater 4000 kicks off (just wishful thinking) this should be the debut episode.  Are you listening Sci-Fi Channel?  

HOBGOBLINS beat this out by a few votes on imdb.com's bottom 100.  In my opinion HOB is slightly better than this.  Well, lemme put that another way.  HOB isn't as all out baaaaad.  And HOB had an actor go on to be in a classic flick (the dude at the high School cafeteria...er, night club I mean, was in Pulp Fiction).

Best thing about Trolls 2 is anything I watch next is going to be damn good!

BTW...kind of like explaining to your kid about humping dogs ("The dog on the bottom is choking on a bone and the one on top is helping him out, honey.") the guys sleeping in the extremely small bed together are brothers.  No problem.
Troll II
Reply #47. Posted on December 01, 2003, 12:11:03 AM by Dave
After seeing this movie on cinemax several years ago, I have to say that this movie still cracks me up and should be the worst movie of all time!  To put it nicely, everything about the movie sucks.  For some reason, I like s**tty movies though.  The thing that surprises me the most is that they actually converted this crapfest to DVD.  Congratulations!
Troll II
Reply #48. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by PikachuManson
Why did they call it Troll 2 if it has no troll in it!! It's terrible. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.
The only reason I got it was because it was a two for one deal at the local mall. It came with Troll 1 on a double sided DVD. I liked the first one and i had wanted to see it again. Yeah, I could tell this one was gonna be stinker as I read the plot summary. Really, you could find better acting watching Power Rangers. For B-Movie afficionados this ranks right up there with Killer Tomatoes
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