|Copyright 1992 Filmirage
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
- Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
- Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
- Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
- Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
- Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
- Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
- The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.
|We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.
So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.
The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.
Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.
Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.
Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.
"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.
Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
- Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
- Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
- The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
- Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
- Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
- Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
- Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
- Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.
- 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
- 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
- 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
- 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
- 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD ACTOR!
- 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
- 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
- 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
- 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
||Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too." |
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
||Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?" |
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
||Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
Reply #9. Posted on September 04, 2000, 10:05:51 AM by jimdandy
"Nilbog!!!! That's goblin spelled backwards!!!"
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jeff
This movie is phenominal.
My favorite part is the hardly mentioned popcorn scene.
and when Grandpa Seth appears in Holli's room because he "hasn't learned the layout of the house yet"
awesome, awesome movie.
The song that the towns people sing goes on forever. "La la la, la la la lalala"
Reply #11. Posted on September 12, 2000, 02:10:00 PM by Devin
I worked at a video store for a while, so I can attest to the "half-rewound" thing. This movie causes a sort of mental arrest after about thirty minutes of viewing. I don't remember a whole lot about it - I think I blocked it out - but I remember that I had to stop the VCR because the movie was beginning to make me physically ill. I mean, literally. No other movie has ever done that to me...
Reply #12. Posted on October 02, 2000, 11:18:26 PM by Tim McGahren
Yes - this movie would would be punishment in some other countries if they could stand to watch it enough times to dub it and not rip their own eyes out. This is the second worst movie ever made, second only to 9 1/2 Ninjas. Like another reviewer, this movie made me physically ill, and I can tell you it wasn't because of the special effects.
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by COLTER FREEMAN
BEST MOVIE EVER. What else can I say. There is one scene that does show a lack of care towards the wellbeing of the midgets in the troll (goblin) suits. When one is thrown down the stairs I swear to GOD he breaks his leg, I watched that part numerous times, I almost p**sed in my pants.
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Michael
I caught this on cable a few years back and I recognized some of the "actors" from when I lived in salt Lake city. A year ago I found the video for 99cents and bought it. This was the best 99 cents I ever spent. It took me three nights to watch the tape, I watched it in segments, and by the third dose, I was hooked!! Like a light bulb the idea flashed in my mind that this may be one of the best "bad movies' ever. As a lover of bad movies this was quite a revelation. I watched this with a group of 20 friends this thanksgiving. The movie is unbelieveable. you put the video on thinking no one will like it as much as you and within 5 minutes they have you rewinding the tape to savour every bit of the quoteable dialogue. I hope this comes out on DVD soon, I don't want my tape to wear out. I think we owe a round of applause for everyone involved with Troll 2 what an amazijng accomplishment.
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Grandpa Seth
What can I say more than the other comments. This movie is magical. Each scene is so unbelievably bad, yet the most quotable movie I have ever seen. The daughter's dance is perfect. So are the burlap-sacks and the total of 12 masks they recycle in every scene for the trolls. Not to mention, the 17 paper cut-out lightning bolts at the end when the trolls are dying. "You see this, do you see this? This is hospitality, you can't p**s on hospitality." "What'y gonna do to me daddy?"
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by he didn'y say
I am 16 and I must say, when I saw this film back in 1993 it realy screwed me up. This movie is not sake for childeren or elders(Or anyone for that matter!!) I think I found the movie for anarexics(I know I spelled it wrong)you the eating disorder in which people starve themselves to get thin (NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST SUPERMODELS OR ACTRESSES HA!HA!)
Seriously this I couldn't stomach any for for 2 weeks (a movie has never done anything like THAT to me. I think at least everyone should see this B movie just once(the world would be much thinner). And by the way I thought that scene with the corn was very LATE NIGHT if you know what I mean. Maybe I'll rent the movie just for that scene(also the ending was very confusingm, thanks.)
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