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ZARDOZ - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1973 John Boorman Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 8 June 2010 (updated)

The Characters:  

  • Zed - Sean Connery! He wears a red loincloth, a ponytail, and FMBs. Seeing Sean Connery dressed like that is jarring (to say the least). When he appeared wearing a bridal gown I was certain that I had to be hallucinating. I wasn't; this is just a weird movie.
  • Arthur Frayn - An "Eternal" (more on them in a bit). He imagines himself a fancy-pants magician who can change the world through selective breeding.
  • May - Eternal. Grand canoness of the Holy Order of the Ubiquitous Freckle. She has so many freckles that if you played connect the dots with a black marker it would change her racial profile.
  • Consuella - Eternal. She considers sex a violent debasement of women and hates the penis on general principle, but falls in love with Zed and bears him a son. I guess Sean Connery is just that damn sexy.
  • Friend - Eternal. He a consumate pessimist who has been defeated by a life he cannot escape. I like seeing him mess with people, but I wouldn't want to share an apartment with him.
  • Avalow - Eternal. She likes to meditate, and when she meditates she asks everyone to meditate with her. Know the type? No, of course you don't. They became extinct before 1980, though there are rumors that some survived and moved to California.
  • The Eternals - Humans who never age, and are reincarnated if they die.
  • Apathetics - Eternals who lose their interest in life, the universe, and everything. There might be forty-two of them.
  • The Tabernacle - The magical device that keeps all of the Eternals alive, and thus consigns them to unending life, even if they wish otherwise. It is eternal damnation disguised as a blessing.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Where can you find Sean Connery dressed in a loincloth, a giant flying stone head that spouts NRA rhetoric from one side of its mouth, and denounces unprotected sex from the other, and a commune filled with people who are so bored with life that they have given up on enjoying anything at all? The Seventies baby, the Seventies.

Where to start? I'd say the beginning, but I am not quite certain where or what that is in this film. I guess that I will go with where the film begins, but that is not actually so much a start as an introduction to a story already in progress. Anyway, a giant flying stone head slowly moves over the landscape. When it lands, a horde of crazy men with guns and masks congregate around the mobile idol. The executioners cry out to their God, Zardoz (that's the head, and the title of the movie). Pretty soon Zardoz speaks, and what he says is a rambling speech about guns, the penis, and shooting either of the previously mentioned objects. Having delivered his message, Zardoz vomits forth a great heap of rifles and ammunition. The savages, including Zed, all cheer.

I am no expert on religions, but Zardoz is pretty far out on the theological fringe.

In return for his favor and wisdom, Zardoz demands a tribute from his chosen ones. Huge baskets of grain are loaded into the stone head. One of the grain containers has a prize inside: Zed. He digs himself out and takes a look around inside of God's head as the massive idol lazily motors its way through the foggy English sky. Eventually, a little man in a blue robe comes out and walks around. Zed shoots him, and then watches as the surprised fellow (it's Arthur Frayn, by the way) falls out of the idol's gaping maw. Arthur disappears into the fog with barely a sound.

In other words, the little man who lives inside of God's head just fell out. I hope that eventually makes it into the gospels, just so that some day a theologian can scratch their head over such an obfuscated tidbit. No doubt the confused scholar will determine that "The little man who lives in God's head fell out" has to be a metaphor. Well, what if it isn't a metaphor? What if it's a euphemism?

Turtle-necked bishop? I don't think so.

Zed continues his journey inside of Zardoz until the Supreme Being (it's just a model) arrives at Vortex 4. That is where Arthur is from, and also the home of the rest of the Eternals that are curious where Arthur disappeared to, and where Zed came from. May is particularly interested in the dangerous barbarian, but is not afraid of Zed because she can stun him with a special stare, a power that only the Homo eternals possess. May, Consuella, Friend, and the other futuristic hippies are an artificially created branch of the human genetic line which is called Homo eternal. What are you giggling about? Why is that term so funny? It is no different than any other species from humanity's evolutionary history, such as Homo erectus. Again, you giggle. Why?

I am joking here, but I also guarantee that the mention of Homo erectus and Homo eternal has more than one reader giggling so hard that their eyes are watering. You know who you are. How old are you? Twelve?

Continuing on...

Intrigued by the violent barbarian suddenly in their midst, the Eternals study Zed. They analyze his genetics, check his health, test his abilities, and use a special machine to watch some of his memories. Now, you have to remember that Zed is an executioner, a religious fanatic who enslaves and kills other people in the name of Zardoz the almighty. Most of Zed's memories involve rape or killing, or both. What a swell guy we are blessed with as our protagonist. Granted, Zed is a product of the world he grew up in, and the world is violent due to the Eternals' meddling in population control. Maybe Zed really is a good guy at heart. It's just that it is difficult for me to ignore that Zed has spent his entire life committing rape and murder. Twenty years of crimes against humanity, and now he's a different person because he turned over a new leaf?

There are a lot of born-again Christians in prison, too.

As it turns out, Zed is physically, mentally, and genetically superior to the Eternals. He is the product of hundreds of years of natural selection and a breeding program guided by Zardoz (Arthur Frayn). While the Eternals were inventing time-consuming social etiquette just to fill the endless days of their lives, Zed's ancestors were fighting tooth and nail, blood and sweat, for the right to survive and reproduce.

The Eternals' society is tortuously rooted in traditions that are PC to the ninth degree. Violence of any sort, even verbal, is a crime. Heck, even thinking antisocial thoughts during the Eternals' "Second Level" group meditation is grounds for punishment. Unfortunately, the Eternal community created a cruel and unusual punishment for those who break their draconian laws. Nobody goes to prison, but they are made old - permanently. It is hard enough to endure perpetual life when you are thirty. Imagine being consigned to forever as a decrepit old man. Granted, they do not worry about dying while sweeping off the walk, but having to drink prune juice every day for eternity or suffering the discomfort of everlasting constipation is not an appetizing prospect.

Another problem with the Eternals is that the male libido is missing in action, and that could be a reason some of the women are so testy (if anyone needs a good shagging to loosen up, it's Consuella). The reason for the ubiquitous erectile dysfunction appears to be the lack of urgency in the Eternals' life. Nobody dies, everyone acts nice to each other, and I doubt any of the men have ever worn boxing gloves or baseball cleats in their uselessly long lives. Life is a bland mixture, served at room temperature, so that nobody is discomforted. Unfortunately, that means that nobody is especially happy, either.

Hopefully you noticed that Zed is a violent male used to life's more physical aspects, including those impossible for men suffering from ED. It's no wonder that May and some of the other frustrated Eternal women want to study him more closely. And he is Sean Connery, after all.

Zed's presence in the commune causes more than just sexual tension. During a social gathering Friend refuses to wiggle fingers with everyone else, so the other Eternals label him a renegade and turn him into a senior citizen. The rest of the Eternals finish their mental hugfest and then stand around with drapes over their heads (yes, I know, it's the '70s). The first to wake up is May, and the first thing on her mind involves Zed and a bed. Her playtime with the sexiest man alive is cut short by Consuella; during the confrontation Zed proves he can overcome the stunning stare power. That freaks Consuella out. She rounds up the other Eternals, who all grab torches and pitchforks to hunt Zed. Buildings are set on fire, freaked out super hippies run back and forth willy-nilly, but Zed has little problem avoiding the mob.

I am glad to see the Eternals taking an energetic interest in something, but why aren't they carrying firearms? So what if they don't know how to shoot; I know that Zardoz spat out some shotguns earlier.

While the Eternals' society disintegrates, Zed searches for a way to destroy the Tabernacle. He ends up inside of the crystal device. The interior of the Tabernacle is a funhouse! Mirrors are everywhere, and Zed dashes about for a while until he starts shooting at his own reflections. Amazingly, a mirror breaks and the Tabernacle is broken. Okay, maybe not so amazingly. Zed is shooting at mirrors with a .455 Webley revolver. Want 7+ years of bad luck? Shoot at a mirror with a Webley. Heck, if you were in a hall of mirrors, just throwing a heavy revolver would probably earn you a lifetime of bad luck.

The Tabernacle destroyed, the Homo eternals all revert to regular Homo sapiens. Zed's executioner friends invade the Vortex and start shooting the surprised (now inappropriately named) Eternals. Paroled from life everlasting, the Eternals' barely have time to consider their newly granted mortality before a mask-wearing barbarian gives them a crash course in the hereafter. Meanwhile, Zed impregnates May and almost a dozen of her friends before the Connery baby-batter-infused ladies flee the ruin of Vortex 4.

Oh, and the giant hydrogen-filled condoms in the Vortex courtyard explode in massive balls of fire. I don't know why a society of everlasting hippies with ED needed huge hydrogen-filled condoms, but I guess it's officially a moot point.

NOTE: I am sick and tired of people saying that I "did not get" this film. I get the film. People are not meant to live forever. I "get it," okay? Your insistence that Boorman's story has more nuances than a bottle of 20-year cognac, and that I am a stupid ground-thumping gorilla needs a reality check. That reality check is the DVD's commentary track. Want to know something? Boorman does not "get it" either. Most of the commentary consists of stuff like, "The head itself is a model." or, "She was really looking forward to being raped by Sean Connery." He also devotes an enormous amount of effort to talking about how little money they had for the production. If you like the movie, that is well and good. If you see more to the story than the director himself expressed, that is also well and good. Just don't expect me to see those same invented meanings.

What I am trying to say is that I am glad that you are friends with the magic elves that only you can see. Don't be angry that I can't see them. It's wonderful that the invisible magic elves are your special friends. Have fun playing with them.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Self-sufficient agriculture requires careful planning, adequate farmland, and rifles.
  • Ammo can be a fashion statement.
  • Memories are stored in third person perspective.
  • The enemy of my enemy is my baker.
  • Fish net looks sexy on a woman.
  • Erections sound like guitars.
  • Human DNA is made up of jellyfish, rotifers, and euglena (stop looking at me like that and find a dictionary, and a microscope, and a prescription sedative to help you deal with the little creatures that are swimming all over your body right now).
  • Guns improve biodiversity (fans of passenger pigeons and bison lovers rejoice).
  • Flowers are an impassable barrier.
  • Viagra is made by mixing Sean Connery's sweat with PAAS Easter Egg Dye.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - OH YEAH? Well, while you were sleeping we drew an onion on your chin with a permanent marker. Who is laughing now, floating disembodied head man?
  • 6 mins - This would be an awesome scene if it was accompanied by something from Judas Priest.
  • 12 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST SOMETHING!
  • 27 mins - Sean Connery just licked another man's hand!
  • 42 mins - This is...I could watch this for hours.
  • 46 mins - God forbid a squirrel decide to make a nest there.
  • 50 mins - Between the perms and the half-tops, I cannot tell the difference between men and women. I haven't been this confused since Thailand.
  • 65 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 68 mins - Do you see that bald kid? He has his own cartoon on Nickelodeon. I think that he has cancer or the power to control wind and air. One of those two things.
  • 70 mins - Wait for it. Wait for it. There, the window finally broke. Slow bullet day.
  • 76 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note zardoz1.wav Arthur Frayn: "I am Arthur Frayn, and I am Zardoz. I have lived three hundred years, and I long to die. But death is no longer possible. I am immortal."
Green Music Note zardoz2.wav Zardoz: "You have been raised up from brutality to kill the brutals who multiply, and are legion. To this end Zardoz, your god, gave you the gift of the gun.The gun is good."
Exterminators: "The gun is good!"
Zardoz: "The penis is evil, the penis shoots seeds."
Exterminators: **Crickets chirping**
Green Music Note zardoz3.wav Consuella: "May is a great scientist, but she also has destructive tendencies."
May: "We have adequate means of controlling it. Surely we are not so vulnerable."
Consuella: "Look at it. It knows its life is at stake. Otherwise it would rape and kill, as it always has. You can see the disrupting effect."
Friend: "Let's keep it. Anything to relieve the boredom."
Green Music Note zardoz4.wav Zed: "So, if you're bad often enough, you'll die."
Friend: "They make you old, but they don't let you die."
Zed: "So what's to stop you from killing yourself?"
Friend: "I do now and again, but the Eternal Tabernacle simply rebuilds me."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipzardoz1.mpg - 7.4m
Friend introduces Zed to the Apathetics. The eccentric Eternal just walks around screwing with them, while Zed tries to rape one girl. When she fails to respond, it annoys ape boy, and he shot puts her!

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7 ... 15
Zardoz
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by
OK, first of all, let's look at the Frank Herbert ripoffs. Selective breeding for a supreme human? Hm sounds a bit like DUNE to me, don't you think? And how about creating a hostile world to speed up evolution? Could it be... the FREMEN? Or even the Sardaukar on Salusa Secundus, which was more intentional than the Fremen on Arrakis. But I'm beside the point.
This movie was actually fairly decent, though it had some cheesy aspects. The most annoying thing to me is that the memory sequences ARE IN THIRD PERSON! I HATE THAT! But I don't suppose anything can be perfect, especially in the 70's. It had a lot of interesting concepts, though. My favorite is the scene where the working classes are crowded against the vortex shield, begging/shouting for entry or help, and the pampered ruling class folk just meander by, not noticing, admiring their decadent garden and ignoring the reality of human suffering.

Oh, yeah, and the costumes were too revealing. I didn't like that. And why did only half of Friend's face age? I was confused about that, too. And whatever happened to that depressed guy who was on trial? And the apathetics? Did the Executioners kill them during their giant orgy? We shall never know... I demand a sequel!!!
Zardoz
Reply #34. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jorj
I was too young to go to the movies when Zardoz was released, but I remembered seeing a highly edited version on television as a kid. My brother rented it and made some comments about it, so when I happend to see it at the local store, I rented it too. Its a good thing I watched it after the kids were sleeping, its seems like it could of had an X rating for the time it was made.

The comments that were made here by others are quite insiteful. Yes it was a "bad" movie, but they were way ahead of their time and on a low budget. The idea of a jaded utopia that had stagnated to such a degree is a great story, but it could be improved upon and made more believeable.

Now-a-days, with everyone doing remakes from the past, Zardoz could be a great remake or the basis for a sequel (there were at least 4 vortexes which didn't seem to have contact with each other, what happend to the other 3?)

As long as the "lesson" of the movie is intact, a remake would get me into the theatre.

Thanks for the forum to discuss this film - Jorj
Zardoz
Reply #35. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Lord Valentin
Zardoz is a Masterpiece, one of my favorite movies.
Zardoz is about Life, Death and imortality,
wich is the most important question for
the spiritually evolved ones.

It still the same interrogation,
"to die or not to die",
as well as "to be or not to be"...

It is absolutely normal that unevolved
basic neanderthal humans dont understand
the movies, as well as dont enjoy the great artistics
qualities...


Zardoz
Reply #36. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by JimmyD
Friends breaking my arm to watch this movie when it came out, smoked a big reefer before going in the theater, and POW, the HEAD:  when movies start with large (autonomous)flying stone heads, just watch out... or leave!
I stayed - what a great memory of yonder years.
Zardoz
Reply #37. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Ms Pepperpot
I watched this film on TV when I was about 10 when being babysat one evening - I'm still not sure why she chose to watch it.  However, it's had a lasting impact on both me and my sister.  Very weird, and at that point I didn't get any of it, except it probably broadened my mind about what films could be, just by how bizarre it was.  
Zardoz
Reply #38. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by zardozhimself
Yes, it's a real 70's post acid flick. Sean Connery must have needed the money bad. But I have a copy because it is funny and strange. A modern version with the right director and screen writer could be interesting. When you see the flying head at the beginning think the the old Norelco shaver jingle "floating heads" (sang to the tune of jingle bells")
Zardoz
Reply #39. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Miho Kimura
This film is one of my husbands favourite films. I have seen it with him. He usually laughs every five minutes and mumbles (to himself?..to me???) "This film is soooo stupid!!laughs occasionally... says "my God" very often. I have seen it and it seems interesting. As good as Japanese films.
Zardoz
Reply #40. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Swamprat
I real thinker! A real masterpiece? Hell no...but not as bad in my opinion as most seem to think. You have to really pay attention to the idealisms floating around in this movie. Can perfection really be perfect? Can man play God and really get away with it? Does man lie in the realm of the divine? Or is he just one of the common animals? Is he somewhere in between? If there was only one guy in the flying head, how the hell was he chucking out all those Britsh Army Surplus weapons by the truckloads?...Such is the pondering nature of man. I love the idea of this film, and John Boorman is one of my favorite directors, and Sean Connery is one of the coolest personas to ever grace the screen...BUT! What happened? I think they swiped the flying head from a Monty Python Cartoon. And the guy in the head had to be a serious Michael Palin fan. The people in the bubble were just plain creepy...I know they were supposed to be a superior class which failed...but there is nothing about them that gives the appearence that they may have stood a chance of success at one time. Can we spell I-N-B-R-E-D? The beginning of the film with the exception of the flying head is good. The hunters chasing down the lesser populace, the violent religious furiour in which they unknowingly act out the vicious circle of mankinds existance since the beginning of time, over and over again. It shows us very bluntly how pointless our perceptions of what civilisation is really are. The people in the bubble show us that every time we come up with the notion that we can overcome those perceptions and move up to the next level, we fail, and become the very thing we are trying to rise above, and more often than not an even worse example of those we replaced. Even with the ridiculous flying head, the first part of the film is great, without the flying head the second part of the film's a boring anticlimax. I thought the reference to the Wizard of OZ was very clever, the ironey in this one little idea thread was awesome. Too bad there wasn't enough movie built up around it. If you like the idea of Sean Connery in a G-string blasting out brains with a very large caliber Britsh Army revolver at full gallop on horseback...this baby's for you. If you like Terry Gilliams's old animation techniques from his Python days you'll love the head. If you're turned on by emanciated inbred, skin bleeched, near zombified, past their prime, arrogant, superiour-beings-who-live-in-bubbles-and-dress-like-geeks-at-a-renaissance-fair...you'll love this oddball little number...you might even want to own a copy. Hard to belive this was made by the same guy who made Excaliber and Deliverence...look around the bubble people closely, you might see the Banjo Boy.
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