|Copyright 1992 20th Century Fox
| Reviewed by Lord Hades
on 13 August 2008
- Lt. Ellen Ripley - Sigourney Weaver is back, and she's...bald? Decides to bunk in with some convicts, and ends up knocked up with a Queen Alien! Dies (presumably) after said Alien ruptures her stomach lining, falling with her into a tub of molten lead. Can you say, "Terminator 2" rip-off?
- Dillon - Charles S. Dutton? It becomes readily apparent that the only reason he was chosen for this film was because he was bald already. Is a real tough guy and decides to go 20 rounds with the Canine-lien(tm), Buster Douglas style. Doesn't make it through the first round.
- Clemens - Charles Dance!? As punishment for his failure to kill the Golden Child, Sardo Numspa was punished by Satan to endure this film as an aging prisoner/doctor with a troubled past. Gets to make sweet, unbridled love to Ripley (with Alien), and shortly thereafter suffers a fatal head wound, courtesy of Canine-lien(tm). More on him later.
- Bishop I &: II - Lance Henriksen! Appears as both the original Bishop, who is not a happy guy since his drastic weight loss program at the hands of the Queen Alien, and as a new and improved total slimeball Bishop, the Bishop II. Bishop I is taken in 3 moves, while Bishop II presumably lives to plague a possible sequel.
- Golic - A rather insane, distrustful criminal personage inhabiting picturesque Fiorina 161. Somehow manages to stare Death in its ugly, fanged maw and escape with only minor injuries.
- Canine-lien(tm) - Apparently, David Fincher wasn't aware that the Aliens never used to take genetic material from their hosts, because this Alien is bad and on all fours now, thanks to a rather unsuspecting pooch host! Eats a vicarious sum of criminal refuse before being simultaneously superheated/cooled, which, as anyone knows, will make something explode into a million shards.
|"In Space, No One Can See Shit Steam."
For fans of the action packed sequel to "Alien," you may be expecting Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop to have more fun filled adventures in space...You'd be wrong. Apparently, the Queen Alien, who had JUST left the landing gear of the Sulaco prior to showing Bishop what a shish-kebab felt like, had ample time to lay a generous sum of her brood along the landing area, which going undetected by both the ship's systems and the wary eye of Ripley, hatched during their hibernation. The resulting fire (one wonders why these egg sacks don't have life sign readings until they hatch), causes the ship to jettison the crew to safety. Safety, according to the ship's computer, must truly be a relative term, as they end up on a prison world full of horny lifers. Personally I'd rather take my chances with the Aliens. What ensues is a poorly scrawled, incoherent waste of film that would be better served in a bathroom stall as a toilet paper substitute.
Ripley is sans friends (they all died in the crash, conveniently), except for the thoroughly-trashed-yet-somehow-functional Bishop I, an old demon posing as a doctor, and a convicted murderer who likes to box creatures with fangs longer than his arm - David Fincher's anti-xenomorph dream team. She finds out that the pods were jettisoned due to Alien infestation, which makes her appropriately cautious of her fear of being impregnated, a fear which finally comes to fruition. One of the dirty little facehuggers escaped the crash and hides out on an overly friendly dog, implanting it with a Canine-lien(tm) that goes on all fours, has a massive head, and seems worse than the Queen Alien on PMS. Interesting to note that the Aliens that gestate in humans had 'no' such genetic alteration, therefore it is advisable to keep Aliens away from Earth, and its furry creatures, at all costs. No one needs an Alien that makes 'Baaaa' sounds as it's crunching on your head; it's just not right.
The Canine-lien(tm) kills most of the criminals before they realize that, not only does Ripley have an Alien inside her, but that it is a Queen Alien. How did it magically know to become a Queen? Do Aliens have group telepathy and 'know' that the Queen is dead? After this impressive leap in logic is made, they decide that the Alien won't harm Ripley for fear of ending their race. Again, how does this Canine-lien(tm) know that Ripley has a Queen inside her? Do they emanate a smell from the host while they are buried deep in their gut?
As they have no weapons in the colony, the convicts construct an elaborate catch and kill plan, where they run around through dark, abandoned smelting tunnels hoping to lure the creature to its doom. Eventually, after all but three of the criminals meets a fitting demise (one foolishly lays his head against a window and gets a surprise). In an act of previously uncharacteristic heroism, Head-Buster Douglas boxes the Canine-lien(tm), until Ripley can climb to safety and coat it with a generous helping of molten lead. Somehow, it survives temperatures that turned the T-100 AND the T-1000 into slag, and is dispersed by a generous helping of water - which was the special effect highlight of this dismal movie.
Bishop II and a crew of toadies, meanwhile, appear and attempt to persuade Ripley to join them so they can destroy the Alien inside of her! With Ripley nearly persuaded, the remaining expendable convict clubs Bishop, revealing him to be just another android with a plan; he tries to lull Ripley by his desire to study the Queen and xenomorphs in general. All this after having his men empty a few bullets into one of her buddies. "Think of what we could learn!" His foot irrevocably shoved in his throat, Ripley jumps into the tub of molten lead as the Queen finally busts free and attempts to escape, illustrating more of that telepathy the writer used to make his story somehow believable. Golic, who somehow managed to survive, Bishop II with a wounded ego and in need of a plastic surgeon, and the toadies make good their exit from the prison planet, thus ending what is easily considered the most abysmal secretion in the series, which is saying a lot considering how the Queen Alien reproduces.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- You do not need to be a talented director to land an award-winning franchise.
- Apparently, Aliens take on the characteristics of whatever host they gestate inside of. Funny, I don't remember the Alien that was inside Cain speaking with a British accent. "I say, do you mind terribly if I eat your face?" Director's cut, anyone?
- Most prisoners on isolated penal colonies are nice guys, particularly when they haven't seen a woman in 30 years.
- Molten lead cannot kill an Alien, only piss it off. Cold water, on the other hand, is devastating.
- Boxing an Alien is simply 'not' the thing to do, unless you are tired of breathing.
- Recipe for a sequel: Add 1 part talentless hack writer, 1 part burned out director, mix with a colorful cast of characters fighting a dog-like Alien and engaging in tired banter, film overnight. Serves: none.
- Sardo Numspa really DID go to hell.
- 8 mins - So the Queen Alien had enough time between crawling out of the landing gear on the Sulaco to lay all these eggs? Busy xenomorph.
- 15 mins - Gratuitous 'hey I'm dead' Newt scene. Where is Hicks? Curse you, Fincher, and your little dog too!
- 25 mins - RANDOM INTERNAL ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DOG!
- 30 mins - I'm not feeling so well; maybe it's the prison food.
- 35 mins - Satan: "And for your failure you shall now go to 'Last Action Hero,' Sardo!" Sardo: "Noooooooo!"
- 40 mins - And now the criminal element shall be snuffed out, one by one.
- 60 mins - Boxing an Alien was not how I imagined spending my last day.
- 74 mins - New and improved Bishop II, with the Lie-Chip!
- 115 mins - I cannot believe I just sat through this senseless drivel.
- Superintendent: "As some of you know, a 337 model EEV crash landed her at 0600 on the morning watch. There was one survivor, two dead, and one droid that was hopelessly smashed beyond repair. The survivor is a woman."
- Bishop I: "How are you? Oh, I like your new hair cut."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Ripley: "We have to do an autopsy." |
Ripley: "I told you: we have to make sure how she died."
Clemens: "And I told you: she drowned."
Ripley: "I'm not so sure, I...I have to see inside of her."
||Dillon: "Yeah, well you don't want to know me, lady. I'm a murderer and rapist of women." |
Ripley: "Really? Well, I guess I must make you nervous."
||Ripley: "We have no weapons. Is that correct?" |
Ripley: "I haven't seen one exactly like this before. It moves differently."
||Ripley: "If this organism gets off the planet it will kill everything. The Company doesn't care about that. They just want it for their bioweapons division, okay? So, we can't let them come here." |
Aaron: "F**k you! Look, I'm sorry you've got this thing inside you, but I'm getting rescued. I don't a s**t about these stupid prisoners, but I've got a wife, I've got a kid!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Ripley announces, "It's here!" just seconds before the Superintendent (who did not believe all this Alien claptrap) is grabbed by the head and pulled into an air shaft.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #25. Posted on August 25, 2008, 10:44:55 PM by Dogsledder
If you think this was crap, wait for Alien Resurection. This excrutiating crap beggers belief. How was it funded ? And why give the 'fund finding' secret to whoever made Starship Troopers 3?
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #26. Posted on August 26, 2008, 12:49:45 AM by Floyd
The review is entertaining in the badmovies.org style, but so wrong. Alien 3 was terrific. Yes, I know it seems unlikely that the Queen Alien had time to leave an egg on the ship, but that didn't wreck the movie for me the way it did for you. For me, Aliens was an old style war movie only with Aliens instead of Nazis up against the cliched assembly cast of wimpy officer who finds his guts under pressure, macho dork who goes to pieces, plucky kid who just can't be killed by aliens and so on (maybe not all of those elements were found in old style war movies, but you know what I mean).
After the disapointment of Aliens, I loved Alien 3 - so depressing, so British (who do depressing and squalor very well)
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #27. Posted on August 27, 2008, 02:52:40 AM by J.D.
Yeah just the usual lies of the Left. The Leopard Seal is notorious for attacking people. Only one recorded death. But they have been known to stalk and hunt people. Breaking through the ice to snap at feet and attacking divers. Also the Killer Whale gets it name for a reason. It has been known to attack people.
Reply #22. Posted on August 23, 2008, 08:35:02 AM by Jack
AvP was like a Sci-Fi original. They must have spent the first half hour of the movie talking about how enormously important it was to get this woman to lead them "across the ice", then as it turned out it didn't make a damned bit of difference - they just got in some trucks and it was a two minute drive. And she's talking about how nobody needs guns in the Antarctic - yeah.
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #28. Posted on August 27, 2008, 03:40:25 PM by frankenbelial
Dude at the top where it gives the title and rating of the film it says it's rated PG-13. This is incorrect it is rated R. Not that it matters because this movie sucks balls. Good job on the review. I laughed my ass off. I remember seeing this when it first came out and I feel asleep during it. I watched it again and realized I had missed nothing, although I do like the special fx in it.
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #29. Posted on August 31, 2008, 04:27:26 AM by J.D.
Great point dude!
You could make a new song to it with the music from: Monkey vs Robot! AlIEEEEEeeen VErsUs PredATOR!
PPS AvP is awesome. If you get a couple of friends over and maybe something to eat and then proceed to MST3K the crap outta it. The keyword here is not SciFi/Horror But Classical Romantic Comedy.
|Re: Alien 3
Posted on September 04, 2008, 01:45:27 PM by asimpson2006
While I will admit that Alien 3 is weaker compared to Alien and Aliens it's still not that bad of a film. I will agree with Torgo that the Assembly Cut (Which is what the Director's cut in a way is called) is better than the original as some scenes were removed or changed. I won't say what they are to give the changes away but it is better in a way. It's been a while since I have seen the original Alien 3 so I may have to watch it here in a few weeks to remember all the changes and what I may have forgotten.
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #31. Posted on November 16, 2008, 06:01:21 AM by LadyLLawliet
The problems with Alien 3 IS due to production problems and multiple script re-writes--not totally the fault of the director--and like someone suggested, if you go and read the wikipedia article you can see this. Actually, when I found out that there was another, longer version of this movie I really wanted to watch it, and I plan on buying the Alien Quadrilogy just for Alien 3. I love Aliens and it's one of my favorite movies (I really liked Hicks, too), but I agree with what someone said in that it's good if you look at it as though it were a standalone film.
And that idea of Newt facing aliens on the Earth would be so awesome...they should do that.
|Re: Alien 3
Posted on February 06, 2009, 07:40:38 PM by droidguy1119
I think this movie is remarkably underrated. One of the best of the series. Not following the happy ending set up by Aliens and going in such a stark new direction was ballsy. However, the DVD in the Alien Quadrilogy set has a version of the movie that is closer to what David Fincher was intending when he made it. The DVD also has the theatrical version, but I have never watched it. The workprint version may be much better than the theatrical, I don't know, but I think Alien 3 gets a lot of flak it doesn't deserve.
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