|Copyright 1992 20th Century Fox
| Reviewed by Lord Hades
on 13 August 2008
- Lt. Ellen Ripley - Sigourney Weaver is back, and she's...bald? Decides to bunk in with some convicts, and ends up knocked up with a Queen Alien! Dies (presumably) after said Alien ruptures her stomach lining, falling with her into a tub of molten lead. Can you say, "Terminator 2" rip-off?
- Dillon - Charles S. Dutton? It becomes readily apparent that the only reason he was chosen for this film was because he was bald already. Is a real tough guy and decides to go 20 rounds with the Canine-lien(tm), Buster Douglas style. Doesn't make it through the first round.
- Clemens - Charles Dance!? As punishment for his failure to kill the Golden Child, Sardo Numspa was punished by Satan to endure this film as an aging prisoner/doctor with a troubled past. Gets to make sweet, unbridled love to Ripley (with Alien), and shortly thereafter suffers a fatal head wound, courtesy of Canine-lien(tm). More on him later.
- Bishop I &: II - Lance Henriksen! Appears as both the original Bishop, who is not a happy guy since his drastic weight loss program at the hands of the Queen Alien, and as a new and improved total slimeball Bishop, the Bishop II. Bishop I is taken in 3 moves, while Bishop II presumably lives to plague a possible sequel.
- Golic - A rather insane, distrustful criminal personage inhabiting picturesque Fiorina 161. Somehow manages to stare Death in its ugly, fanged maw and escape with only minor injuries.
- Canine-lien(tm) - Apparently, David Fincher wasn't aware that the Aliens never used to take genetic material from their hosts, because this Alien is bad and on all fours now, thanks to a rather unsuspecting pooch host! Eats a vicarious sum of criminal refuse before being simultaneously superheated/cooled, which, as anyone knows, will make something explode into a million shards.
|"In Space, No One Can See Shit Steam."
For fans of the action packed sequel to "Alien," you may be expecting Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop to have more fun filled adventures in space...You'd be wrong. Apparently, the Queen Alien, who had JUST left the landing gear of the Sulaco prior to showing Bishop what a shish-kebab felt like, had ample time to lay a generous sum of her brood along the landing area, which going undetected by both the ship's systems and the wary eye of Ripley, hatched during their hibernation. The resulting fire (one wonders why these egg sacks don't have life sign readings until they hatch), causes the ship to jettison the crew to safety. Safety, according to the ship's computer, must truly be a relative term, as they end up on a prison world full of horny lifers. Personally I'd rather take my chances with the Aliens. What ensues is a poorly scrawled, incoherent waste of film that would be better served in a bathroom stall as a toilet paper substitute.
Ripley is sans friends (they all died in the crash, conveniently), except for the thoroughly-trashed-yet-somehow-functional Bishop I, an old demon posing as a doctor, and a convicted murderer who likes to box creatures with fangs longer than his arm - David Fincher's anti-xenomorph dream team. She finds out that the pods were jettisoned due to Alien infestation, which makes her appropriately cautious of her fear of being impregnated, a fear which finally comes to fruition. One of the dirty little facehuggers escaped the crash and hides out on an overly friendly dog, implanting it with a Canine-lien(tm) that goes on all fours, has a massive head, and seems worse than the Queen Alien on PMS. Interesting to note that the Aliens that gestate in humans had 'no' such genetic alteration, therefore it is advisable to keep Aliens away from Earth, and its furry creatures, at all costs. No one needs an Alien that makes 'Baaaa' sounds as it's crunching on your head; it's just not right.
The Canine-lien(tm) kills most of the criminals before they realize that, not only does Ripley have an Alien inside her, but that it is a Queen Alien. How did it magically know to become a Queen? Do Aliens have group telepathy and 'know' that the Queen is dead? After this impressive leap in logic is made, they decide that the Alien won't harm Ripley for fear of ending their race. Again, how does this Canine-lien(tm) know that Ripley has a Queen inside her? Do they emanate a smell from the host while they are buried deep in their gut?
As they have no weapons in the colony, the convicts construct an elaborate catch and kill plan, where they run around through dark, abandoned smelting tunnels hoping to lure the creature to its doom. Eventually, after all but three of the criminals meets a fitting demise (one foolishly lays his head against a window and gets a surprise). In an act of previously uncharacteristic heroism, Head-Buster Douglas boxes the Canine-lien(tm), until Ripley can climb to safety and coat it with a generous helping of molten lead. Somehow, it survives temperatures that turned the T-100 AND the T-1000 into slag, and is dispersed by a generous helping of water - which was the special effect highlight of this dismal movie.
Bishop II and a crew of toadies, meanwhile, appear and attempt to persuade Ripley to join them so they can destroy the Alien inside of her! With Ripley nearly persuaded, the remaining expendable convict clubs Bishop, revealing him to be just another android with a plan; he tries to lull Ripley by his desire to study the Queen and xenomorphs in general. All this after having his men empty a few bullets into one of her buddies. "Think of what we could learn!" His foot irrevocably shoved in his throat, Ripley jumps into the tub of molten lead as the Queen finally busts free and attempts to escape, illustrating more of that telepathy the writer used to make his story somehow believable. Golic, who somehow managed to survive, Bishop II with a wounded ego and in need of a plastic surgeon, and the toadies make good their exit from the prison planet, thus ending what is easily considered the most abysmal secretion in the series, which is saying a lot considering how the Queen Alien reproduces.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- You do not need to be a talented director to land an award-winning franchise.
- Apparently, Aliens take on the characteristics of whatever host they gestate inside of. Funny, I don't remember the Alien that was inside Cain speaking with a British accent. "I say, do you mind terribly if I eat your face?" Director's cut, anyone?
- Most prisoners on isolated penal colonies are nice guys, particularly when they haven't seen a woman in 30 years.
- Molten lead cannot kill an Alien, only piss it off. Cold water, on the other hand, is devastating.
- Boxing an Alien is simply 'not' the thing to do, unless you are tired of breathing.
- Recipe for a sequel: Add 1 part talentless hack writer, 1 part burned out director, mix with a colorful cast of characters fighting a dog-like Alien and engaging in tired banter, film overnight. Serves: none.
- Sardo Numspa really DID go to hell.
- 8 mins - So the Queen Alien had enough time between crawling out of the landing gear on the Sulaco to lay all these eggs? Busy xenomorph.
- 15 mins - Gratuitous 'hey I'm dead' Newt scene. Where is Hicks? Curse you, Fincher, and your little dog too!
- 25 mins - RANDOM INTERNAL ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DOG!
- 30 mins - I'm not feeling so well; maybe it's the prison food.
- 35 mins - Satan: "And for your failure you shall now go to 'Last Action Hero,' Sardo!" Sardo: "Noooooooo!"
- 40 mins - And now the criminal element shall be snuffed out, one by one.
- 60 mins - Boxing an Alien was not how I imagined spending my last day.
- 74 mins - New and improved Bishop II, with the Lie-Chip!
- 115 mins - I cannot believe I just sat through this senseless drivel.
- Superintendent: "As some of you know, a 337 model EEV crash landed her at 0600 on the morning watch. There was one survivor, two dead, and one droid that was hopelessly smashed beyond repair. The survivor is a woman."
- Bishop I: "How are you? Oh, I like your new hair cut."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Ripley: "We have to do an autopsy." |
Ripley: "I told you: we have to make sure how she died."
Clemens: "And I told you: she drowned."
Ripley: "I'm not so sure, I...I have to see inside of her."
||Dillon: "Yeah, well you don't want to know me, lady. I'm a murderer and rapist of women." |
Ripley: "Really? Well, I guess I must make you nervous."
||Ripley: "We have no weapons. Is that correct?" |
Ripley: "I haven't seen one exactly like this before. It moves differently."
||Ripley: "If this organism gets off the planet it will kill everything. The Company doesn't care about that. They just want it for their bioweapons division, okay? So, we can't let them come here." |
Aaron: "F**k you! Look, I'm sorry you've got this thing inside you, but I'm getting rescued. I don't a s**t about these stupid prisoners, but I've got a wife, I've got a kid!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Ripley announces, "It's here!" just seconds before the Superintendent (who did not believe all this Alien claptrap) is grabbed by the head and pulled into an air shaft.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #33. Posted on February 28, 2009, 05:22:26 PM by na
This review is so obviously biased, so wrong in everything it is ridiculous.
Alien 3 is a great film, which *could have* been better certainly, but is really already very good. This is the only one in the whole series that can be compared to the original Alien movie.
It is the real sequel to Alien actually. Aliens (number 2) is just not up to par, although it is from J. Cameron. He just didn't get the idea and make an action movie, when Alien's purpose was far beyond that. With Alien 3, we return to the original idea, but reworked in a very clever way. It explores the religious ideas behind the first movie.
In Alien, we 'discovered' that the monsters weren't these unexplained and wild creatures but human beings, ready to sacrifice other human beings to their greedy projects - the so-called 'company'. Placing this sequel in a custody takes the idea a bit higher : what is worth living for ? dying for ? Ripley replaces that false religion of the prisoners (since they do not really believe in it themselves) by a new idea. Mankind, meaning the sepcies is more important than individual interest. She teaches them sacrifice. This is quite obvious in the final scene when she jumps and opens up her arms in a very symbolic gesture. But there are many hints of this all along the movie.
Goldenthal's music was also a really good part of this film. It just hints from time to time to the original musical score, but it is mainly a very new, very original creation, with great strange sounds that fit really well the plot (and the place).
As for your criticism of the storyline, well, what's the point of watching a sci-fi movie if you're not ready to accept unnatural things? That's the deal, even in Ridley Scott's masterpiece. Take it or leave it. You leave it, okay. That doesn't mean the movie isn't good!. It is your peronal point of view, your personal taste, nothing more.
There *are* flaws in this movie, like in many good films. But it is visually stunnig, very cleverly shot. it IS a good movie.
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #34. Posted on October 04, 2009, 01:56:56 PM by AlienFan1979
Well I rather enjoyed Alien3 not a bad film as it turned out. Okay so it had re-writes re-shots every film has its problems ion dealing with the final look?
Saw Alien3 at UCI Tower Park Poole UK, presented in Dolby stereo SR on its theatrical release 1992.
One thing about the story is Ripley is screwed! If she had made it out of prison alive she’d be screwed by the company as psychotic mental person?
With very little evidence to hold water as the final bodies where cremated the planet or part of it atomized leaving very little evidence of an alien creature.
She would be buried by the company as crack pot!
Which also leaves very little evidence at the end of the film except for a small blood sample that we all, know was birth to her resurrection in Alien Resurrection but its not all Ripley only half.
Still I’d rate Alien3
|Re: Alien 3
Reply #35. Posted on March 02, 2011, 01:37:08 AM by toddword
I am constantly amazed at how...passionate people become when discussing a film. Why insult each other? Isn't film a communal art form? Geeeee...........
Anyway,this debate must have begun before the "assembly cut"( or whatever it's called these days) was made public. First of all,in Fincher's version of the film(which the studio butchered),
the alien was birthed from an ox,so it makes much more sense that it was as large as it was so immediately. Second, it made more fiscal sense to keep the convicts there,away from home,keeping the Company's interests on the cheap(much like a sweat shop in a 3rd world country,perhaps?). Third, Golic really threw a wrench in the mix when he insisted(as an insane dolt might possibly)on getting a look at the trapped alien. They all might have made a go of it if he hadn't let the damned thing out.
Fans of the first two always seem incensed that Newt and Hicks were taken out. Remember,however,that this series is reknowned for portraying the future as a grimy,dirty place,NOT the
sanitized world of,say,"2001". Death is a real possibility EVERY DAY, no matter how much we love someone. Ripley has to deal with death and loss continually in the first two films-why should this one be different? Dorothy from "OZ" she is not,coming home to a happy ending. Look at it as a realist tract,as opposed to the stupid comic book that was "Resurrection", and you might see the film with different eyes.......
|Re: Alien 3
Posted on December 24, 2011, 05:50:23 PM by monster93
In my opinion this movie wasn't bad
I like it. The beginning with the fanfare was amazing and also the ending was different to many films. For me is very original.
If you don't enjoy it is because you don't have an open mind
|Re: Alien 3
"Molten lead cannot kill an Alien, only p**s it off. Cold water, on the other hand, is devastating." Forgive me now if this has already been addressed, but this is somewhat justified. Remember that the Alien is biomechanical in nature, meaning that the molten led would've heated its carapace. The sudden application fo water, and therefore the rapid cooling of its carapace, is what allegedly caused it to explode.
Still a pretty bad movie, though.
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