Bloodsport B-Movie Review

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BLOODSPORT - 3 Slimes

Rated R

1988 Cannon Films/U.G.C. Worldwide Distribution

Reviewed by Todd Phillips on 18 February 2003

The Characters:

Frank Dux - Jean Claude Van Damme in all his Belgian glory! Frank wishes to earn respect for his master and defeat Chong Li for breaking his friend, Ray. Kicks the snot out of Chong.
Chong Li - Bolo Yeung! He is the master of breaking people and their friends. Has won the last few tournaments and has humongous man-breasts. Gets his ass handed to him by Frank.
Mr. Lin - Frank and Ray's tour guide. Armed with a pair of glasses and a mullet, he must keep them in line and make sure they "can step up onto the runway and not get killed," as he put it.
Ray Jackson - Ogre from the Revenge of the Nerds movies! He likes to drink beer, hit on Asian chicks, and get his head knocked in by Chong Li.
Janice Kent - Reporter trying to get the big scoop on the Kumite, which is kind of odd, considering that every time she sees someone get hit, she gets repulsed.
Hossein - Not to be outdone by the Asian stereotypes in the movie, Hossein steps in to add a dose of Arab charm to the Kumite. Gets beaten twice in a ten second period.
Rawlins and Helmer - Forest Whitaker and some old guy! They are the ones sent out to bring Frank back to America, by way of 50,000 volts.

The Plot:

Out of all of Jean Claude's movies, I think this is the one he is most well-known for...that and maybe playing the Gay Karate man in Monaco Forever. But, enough about that, we are here to learn about the greatest martial arts film of all time! At least it is to people who like to drive motorcycles into flaming McDonald's toys and eat urinal cakes.

Frank Dux is a military man with plans to go AWOL and enter the Kumite in Hong Kong to honor his Shidoshi, Master Tanaka, who converted Frank from Corky from Life Goes On to a lean, mean Belgian fighting machine. His CO does not take too kindly to this, and sends Helmer and Rawlins to bring him back. Once in HK, Frank meets Ray Jackson, our favorite mentally challenged fighter. After kicking his ass in Karate Champ, Frank befriends the lovable oaf and both of them meet up with Mr. Lin, who promptly butchers the hell out of Frank's last name and takes them to the arena. Frank kills some poor, innocent bricks there and meets Chong Li, the previous winner and person-breaker extraordinaire. I don't think there is one line from this guy that doesn't have something to do with destroying things. I always thought that he was going to turn green and yell out "CHONG LI SMASH!"

We then meet reporter Janice Kent, who is talking with Hossein and his cohorts, who seem to be giving Janice an offer to ride the Arab Express. Frank saves her from the group by doing some coin trickery and making Hossein look like a complete ass. Janice is willing to do anything (*bompchickawahwah*, just not with Arab guys with gold teeth) to get a story on the Kumite, so she lets Frank take her out to dinner the next day and play "hide the salami." Even after all that, he doesn't tell her anything. Come on, guy! She gave you a piece, the least you could do for her is lay down some info!

Anyway, the tournament begins and we are treated to a bunch of fighters whose only purpose is to get the crap knocked out of them, become severely injured or die. As luck would have it, Frank's first opponent is Hossein. The match lasts all of about ten seconds, resulting in Hossein not getting beaten once, but twice. Ray's first fight turns out okay, but then he makes the mistake of taunting Chong Li and hurting his feelings (maybe he doesn't show it, but he probably went back into the locker rooms and cried). Speaking of which, we also get to see Chong Li in action as well and, as expected, he's pretty damn good at breaking people within a short amount of time.

Frank continues to do okay, but, because Ray decided to be mean to Chong last time, he gets beat down by him and ends up in the hospital. Hell hath no fury like a buff guy with hurt feelings. Frank swears revenge, upsetting Janice in the process, who does not want to see Frank get hurt. To try and stop Frank, she goes to Helmer and Rawlins (who this whole time kind of bumbled about Hong Kong like jackasses), who decide that the best way to save him from a possible beat-down is to blast him in the nuts with tazers (well, maybe not in the nuts, but that would be funny if they did). Their plan fails miserably, as expected, when Frank easily protects himself from both them and some of Hong Kong's finest armed with only his gym bag and a trash can lid.

As if his day couldn't get any crazier, during his battle with Chong Li, Chong decides to reach deep down into the Pro Wrestling Bag 'o Tricks by grinding up a pill and throwing the powder in Frank's eyes. This leads to a few cheap shots, but then...Frank gets pissed! Now, he doesn't start kicking ass right away. He screams at the top of his lungs and does what I have fondly grown to call the "Zombie Moan of Doom" to regain some of his sight and call upon the mystic energies. Then, he starts kicking ass, giving Chong a bunch of shots and finishing him off with the trademark kick that Van Damme does in every one of his movies. After winning the whole thing, he goes back to see Ray one last time, who seems to have gotten a lot better than he was in the previous day and drinking beer no less. I guess that goes to show you that you can't keep a good Ogre down.

In the end, everyone gets what they wanted: Frank was able to honor his Shidoshi without having to take 50,000 volts to the balls, Helmer and Rawlins got to take Frank back to the States, Janice got information on the Kumite and a hot beef injection and Ray was able to kill his liver and his brain a little more. Now, if that isn't a happy ending, I don't know what is.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

By moaning like a zombie, one can regain their vision.
Security on military bases are extremely sparse.
Just about anyone can get into the Kumite, including Grace Jones lookalikes.
There are fighting arenas in the middle of the Hong Kong slums. (Isn't there one in every slum?)
Doing splits is a relaxing experience.
Never hurt the feelings of a buff Chinese guy. Only bad things will occur.
The best way to learn to learn focus is to be tied to trees and almost have your limbs ripped out of their sockets.
Arab guys are not the ladies' men they are cracked up to be.

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - Insert training montage with minor characters no one gives a damn about.
6 mins - He-he...young Frank looks reminds me of Corky from Life Goes On.
12 mins - Master Tanaka gets to fight with sticks? What a cheap bastard!
16 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SMALL TREE!
19 mins - Ogre is such the ladies' man. *snicker*
20 mins - Old-school gaming goodness, with Frank and Ray!
28 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BRICK!
34 mins - Now would be the perfect time to kick Frank in the jimmy.
43 mins - Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!
50 mins - This one is for all the ladies. Everyone else should look away now.
56 mins - Holy s**t! The bone's poking right through the skin!
67 mins - Doing the splits helps me draw out my inner strength, too.
68 mins - This guy is laughing about how stupid Frank looked when he was younger.
81 mins - Wait a minute, wouldn't that pill have dissolved in his crotch sweat?
83 mins - Who would've thought that screaming and moaning like a zombie would give one extrasensory vision.
87 mins - Cool! They let you drink beer in Hong Kong hospitals!
89 mins - Oooooo...impressive resume.

Quotes:

Frank Dux - "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Chong Li - "Very good, but brick not hit back!"
Ray Jackson - "Alright, Frankie!"
Ray Jackson - "What the hell is a Dim Mack?"
Old Asian Guy - "Okay, U.S.A.!"
Hossein's lackey - "It is the American ****-head who does tricks with bricks!"
Lin - "Are you Jackson? You look like a Jackson. That must make you Frank Ducks!"

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	bloodsport1.wav	Frank: "Teach me. I can do it." Master: "You are not Japanese. You are not a Tanaka!"
	bloodsport2.wav	Rawlins: "Frank, read my lips. We are taking you back now." Helmer: "Don't make us use fifty thousand volts on you, Frank."
	bloodsport3.wav	Frank and Janice have a heart to heart.
	bloodsport4.wav	Chong Li: "You break my record. Now I break you, like I break your friend."

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	bloodsport1.mpg - 2.1m
	Frank fighting as Chong Li looks on. Of course, Janice and Ray are watching too.