Urban Legend B-Movie Review

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URBAN LEGEND - 1 Slime

Rated R

Reviewed by Rob on 16 November 2000

The Characters:

Paul - Would-be journalist for Pendleton University who enjoys finding the most horrid, despicable tales of terror to write in the school newspaper. He's well-liked by Brenda but falls in love with Natalie.
Natalie - Red-head who has a past few suspect (you'll find out), she gets caught up in the antics of a serial killer who dispatches people in a style similar to common urban legends.
Brenda - Rebecca Gayheart! The Noxema girl! After her boyfriend was killed in a prank reminiscent of a gang high-beam initiation, she decides to get over him by killing people in the grisly styles of various urban legends. Her main beef is with Natalie and Michelle.
Damon - Joshua Jackson! The practical joker on campus, he enjoys scaring the living hell out of anyone whenever he has the chance. Gets hanged above a car a la "The Boyfriend's Death."
Parker - Testosterone-muffin jock, he's Sasha's main squeeze and enjoys having parties in which he feeds his dog beer. Gets poisoned by a combination of Liquid-PlumbR and Pop Rocks.
Sasha - Tara Reid! That girl from "American Pie" who used a glass of beer as a sperm bank! She's the host of a sleazy radio talk show on campus, where she listens to all the lurid sexual accounts of promiscuous students. Gets butchered.
Dean Adams - Guess what his position is. This witless Brit doesn't care for Paul's exaggeration of the situation about a serial killer on campus. Gets impaled on tire spikes.
Professor Wexler - Robert Englund! You know - Freddy Krueger! Right now, Freddy's hung up his bladed glove and has traded it for a three-piece suit and bowtie as a professor who teaches urban folklore. Gets butchered.
Reese - Loretta Devine from "Waiting To Exhale!" She's the campus cop who loves Pam Grier movies (who the hell doesn't?). She buys into Dean Adams' claims of exaggeration until she sees Sasha treated like firewood. Reese will return in "Urban Legends: The Final Cut" (Why, God, why?!).
Michelle - Really bad actress who is responsible for the death of Brenda's boyfriend. Gets decapitated.
Tosh - Internet-addicted Goth girl with something up her ass - probably from the last guy who slammed her there. Gets strangled and then made up to look like a morbid suicide.

The Plot:

One day, a few writers got together and decided, "Say! Let's write a screenplay about a serial killer who kills people in ways made to look like urban legends!" Good idea! Too bad the movie SUCKED! I've seen some bad acting in horror films before, but this one just takes the cake. Enter young Michelle Mancini, driving down a road back to Pendleton University, when she has to pull over for gas. When she gets assaulted by the attendant, he screams out, "Someone's in the back seat!" Of course, it's too late by then.

On the same campus, young Natalie finds out about Michelle's death from an article written by a crappy journalist named Paul. That's when the other murders begin, but no one seems to believe poor Natalie about the hooded killer walking around and dispatching people in horrific ways. First, a guy named Damon who tries to hit on Natalie gets hanged over a car hood. Then, Natalie's roommate Tosh has her wrists slit, and her blood is used to write "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?" on the wall of their room. When she can't take it any more, Natalie finally confides in her friend, Brenda, that she had known Michelle Mancini, and that they were responsible for the accidental death of a driver when they were in high school.

After doing some sleuthing with Paul, they both discover that a massacre once thought to be a rumor really did happen in an academic hall years ago, and that the only survivor was Professor Wexler, a teacher of urban folklore. In the end, however, it turns out that he wasn't the killer after all - Brenda is, since the driver who was killed was her boyfriend! Fortunately, once Brenda is about to play surgeon on Natalie, Reese and Paul rush in to the rescue.

Somehow, Brenda manages to survive two long falls (not to mention a hail of bullets) and transfer to another school, where what had happened at Pendleton becomes an urban legend to them. Oooo! Whatever attempt this movie made to be creepy, it failed miserably.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Everyone owns a hooded winter jacket.
Literature professors like to teach the same students the same lessons about urban legends every single year - and even use props to illustrate them.
Rebecca Gayheart should have stuck to Noxema commercials.
Eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda at the same time WILL NOT kill you.
Mikey (the Life Cereal kid) is alive and well and is an ad executive in New York.
The sounds of orgasms and a woman being strangled to death are very indistinguishable.
You can't see someone's face inside a hood.
It's possible to get stuck during sex.
Headlights make weird beating sounds when they're turned on and off.
Female African American cops LOVE Pam Grier movies.
College deans think it's unnecessary to add on to security on campus after there's been a brutal murder.
College students like to dedicate Halloween parties to massacres.
British people pronounce the word "weekend" with emphasis on the second syllable.
College students sometimes shack up with farm animals in hotels.
Dogs love drinking beer from bongs

Stuff To Watch For:

1 min - AAAAAAAAAAH! God! Stop singing! You're completely DISGRACING Bonnie Tyler!
5 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD SINGER!
10 min - God, that was a really bad "Mikey" imitation.
11 min - So THAT'S what happened to Mikey!
12 min - He's okay, guys. Really. See?
14 min - This reminds me of "Candyman."
16 min - Well, that'll cure constipation.
30 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PRACTICAL JOKER!
45 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A GOTH GIRL!
60 min - Okay, I see the ax and the hooded winter jacket, but where the hell is the "nightmare" glove?
70 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ARROGANT DEAN!
80 min - Well, I suppose that dog has given the movie some redeeming grace.
85 min - Whoa! I guess that really DOES happen to a dog in a microwave!
86 min - Pop rocks and Liquid PlumbR don't mix.
90 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SLEAZY RADIO TALK SHOW HOSTESS!
100 min - God, that is REALLY BAD ACTING.
115 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE NOXEMA GIRL!
120 min - Give me a break.

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	urbanlegend1.wav	Sasha: "First, let me just congratulate on your choice of sexual activity, because sweetie, the world is not ready for you to reproduce."
	urbanlegend2.wav	Brenda: "So you have a frat party to commemorate a massacre?" Parker: "You betcha!"
	urbanlegend3.wav	Natalie: "It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality."
	urbanlegend4.wav	Dean Adams: "Natalie, did you know Tosh was manic-depressive?" Natalie: "She painted half the room black, I had a pretty good idea."
	urbanlegend5.wav	Dean Adams gives Reese a lecture on being 18 and in love.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	urbanlegend1.mpg - 2.3m
	This is why you don't choose someone like Damon as an assistant. I do imagine that watching someone explode from eating pop rocks and drinking soda would be interesting however.