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DO YOU HAVE A ZOMBIE PLAN?

Are you ready for the inevitable zombie holocaust? Just owning a shotgun and a chainsaw is not enough. You need to consider all the factors, all your options, and be prepared to make the hard decisions.

Burial GroundRedneck ZombiesDawn of the Dead

WHERE IS THE NEAREST GOVERNMENT LABORATORY?
Right up the road.Well, it sucks to be you, doesn't it? The problem with living so close to the probable source of the biological, chemical, or supernatural experiments that create the zombies is that you are quite likely to get infected during the initial "accident." Buy a gas mask and wear it to bed.
Within walking distance.Which means it is also within easy shambling distance for the zombies. Get yourself a dog. The canine companion will not stop the zombies, but at least its barking might alert you to their presence. Plus, if the undead are eating the dog, that means they are not chewing on you.
On the other side of the state.Excellent! I can see that you did your homework before buying a house.
I don't know.Offhand, this is probably a good thing. You must be hundreds of miles away from the danger zone. You should still verify that there are not any new "no trespassing" signs posted at the abandoned military base on the edge of town.

Zombi 3 Where is the nearest government laboratory? Not satisfied with accidentally releasing the zombie-creating virus or chemical, they are quite likely to deploy troops with orders to shoot on sight.

WEAPONS AVAILABLE TO YOU
None, and I hate guns.You should find and befriend someone who is a member of the NRA and does not mind protecting pansies with his ammo.
A BB gun.That would be great...if this was about surviving an aluminum can revolt. Get a real firearm.
A handgun.I hope that you mean a .45 or .44 Magnum. 9mm bullets make really small holes. You want to make as big of a hole in the zombie's forehead as possible.
A shotgun.Awesome! Make sure that you have plenty of ammunition, and practice reloading while moving.
A 30-06 rifle.You need to find somebody with a shotgun and hook up. With your ability to snipe targets at long distances, and his (or her) close range firepower, shooting your way out of situations should not be a problem.
An M240G machinegun.You and I need to talk.

Return of the Living Dead 3 Get yourself a shotgun.

YOUR FRIENDS
My buddies are all hunters and survivalists.Well now, this will just be another camping trip, except that walking corpses are out to kill you and eat your brains.
We play a lot of video games together.Meaning that you are overweight and out of shape? Can you at least move faster than a zombie? Really? For how long?
We are "Resident Evil" fanatics.Well, at least you know to shoot them in the head.
My online buddy has a black belt in Judo.Have you ever seen this "friend" in person? He is probably just as pimply as you, and living in his parents' house, too.
All of my friends are girls.Let me guess: you are a boy, and you have a crush on all of them. The good news is that you are going to be sitting pretty on a bevy of grateful women if you can save them from the zombies. The bad news is that you cannot save all of them. Pick three favorites and concentrate on protecting them from the rotting horrors that have taken over the world.

Resident Evil 4 "Resident Evil" fanatics rejoice. You might not have touched a real firearm before, but at least you know to aim for the head (or parasite, as the case may be).

MEDICAL SUPPLIES AND TRAINING
Blood makes me queasy.The world is not a nice and tidy place anymore. The road will be littered with rotting corpses and scattered body parts. Prepare to deal with compound fractures, serious lacerations, and septic wounds on a daily basis. Do everybody else a favor and avoid stuffing yourself full at meals. You are going to spend a lot of time vomiting. Regurgitated food is wasted food.
I keep some band-aids in my car.Do you have any idea how many band-aids it would take to treat someone who is covered with zombie bites?
My medical kit is stocked with trauma-related supplies.Glad to hear it. You need to add two items that are usually not included in an emergency kit. First off, you need acid. If a zombie bites somebody, Bactine is not going to cut the mustard. Cleanse the wound with acid. Second, get a hacksaw from the garage and toss it in with all the bandages and such. You know, just in case the acid is not an effective treatment.
I look forward to conducting medical experiments on the living dead.All righty then.

Zombi 3 Once the zombies are loose, band-aids are not going to cut it. Also, if you cannot stand the sight of blood, do us all a favor and get killed early on. Nobody wants to hear you scream every time you trip over another rotting corpse.

TRANSPORTATION
I don't have a car.Sign up for a gym membership and stay in shape. Until you meet someone who has a driver's license, you are going to do a lot of running.
My Prius is my baby.If the zombie outbreak takes place in Saudi Arabia, you can laugh at all those idiots driving 6 mpg SUVs. However, if the zombies are a bit closer to home, your amazing fuel efficiency is not going to impress them. The zombies will probably flip your electric toy over when you try to crash through a crowd of them. See if you can rig the batteries to electrify the outer shell.
I got a big ol' 4X4 truck/SUV.Overwhelmingly the most popular vehicle choice in the post-zombie holocaust world, and for reasons that should be obvious. Do not abandon the dude whose Prius is stuck in the ditch. Pull it out and ask the owner, and his hot girlfriend, to follow your truck. He is obviously a nincompoop who will not last long; meaning that the hot girlfriend is going to be available quite soon. Do you know how much the girls toss that stuff around once the end of the world is nigh? Get some while the getting is good.
I own an M60 tank.God bless America and her military surplus auctions.

Zombi 2 Bicycling your way out of the zombie apocalypse is not an option. Buy an old 4X4, fix it yourself, and keep it in running condition. If you just cannot bear to leave your bike behind, install a roof rack on the Land Rover.


Written by Andrew Borntreger on 17 June 2008.
Are you ready to fortify the house? Continue reading Do you have a zombie plan (Part 2).

Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #25. Posted on June 23, 2008, 12:33:02 PM by Steve
One word: Flamethrower!  TeddyR
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #26. Posted on June 23, 2008, 10:57:00 PM by ghouck
One word: Flamethrower!  TeddyR

Isn't "Flamethrower" the answer to most questions?

Funny how we're talking about flamethrowers today, George Carlin had a pretty funny shpeel about flamethrowers: What, did someone think "I want to set that @$$h0le on fire, but I really don't want to walk ALL THE WAY over there. If there was just a way I could do it from here, you know, kind of THROW the fire on them, , I need something that can THROW FLAMES onto them, some kind of FLAME THROWER. . yea, , that's what I need. . "
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1) - What About Vampires?
Reply #27. Posted on July 05, 2008, 09:57:58 PM by Big Paulie Virgo
Andrew, once again you have put together an article designed to help the American populace deal with yet another threat--but what about a 'vampire plan'? Or better yet, 'A Vampire Girl Plan'--cause if vamps begin to break out, all the vamp girls will dress up in 'Bratz'-like fashions, and the geekboys will give themselves willingly...no way to defend life, liberty, and the pursuit of protecting yer hemoglobin! So--I think you need to start working on this--and defend the lives/necks of the world.

A 'Werewolf' plan? Lots of silver and Kibbles 'n' Bits. Oh, and extra fire hydrants in all the right places.  Thumbup
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1) - What About Vampires?
Reply #28. Posted on July 05, 2008, 10:55:14 PM by Andrew
A 'Werewolf' plan? Lots of silver and Kibbles 'n' Bits. Oh, and extra fire hydrants in all the right places.  Thumbup

Amusingly, I already have the "Do you have a werewolf plan?" (pt 1) drafted.  It will probably follow part 2 of the zombie plan.  And the draft does mention fire hydrants, but in a shrapnel sort of way.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1) - What About Vampires?
Reply #29. Posted on July 06, 2008, 02:00:49 PM by Patient7
A 'Werewolf' plan? Lots of silver and Kibbles 'n' Bits. Oh, and extra fire hydrants in all the right places.  Thumbup

Amusingly, I already have the "Do you have a werewolf plan?" (pt 1) drafted.  It will probably follow part 2 of the zombie plan.  And the draft does mention fire hydrants, but in a shrapnel sort of way.

I have a funny feeling I'll enjoy reading that.  TeddyR
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #30. Posted on July 07, 2008, 08:50:24 PM by Joel Mitchell
Keep In Mind.....

1.BLADES DON'T RUN OUT AF AMMO.

2.Don't use chainsaws, that will basically be ringing a dinner bell for the zombies.

3. If you have the time and cover, take your car (if your'e fortunate to own one) and weld or mount any piece of sharp metal to the cars.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #31. Posted on July 31, 2008, 03:22:58 AM by 123-kitsune
* If you deicided to play the hero and attempt to lure a zombie hoard away from your companions hiding pace, make sure that any stragglers don't follow you back.
* if you are hiding in a place that is devoid of power, use a minimum amount of light to avoid detection.
* Find resonably safe place away from any large town or cities.

Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #32. Posted on October 10, 2008, 02:46:01 PM by BigTom
I am in the Army. Believe it or not during one of my deployments to Central Afghanistan my friends and I came up with a list of must haves to survive an outbreak. It was hard to come up with weapons that are available to the public (so that was a limiting factor). But here it goes: 1) Shotgun w/00 buckshot 2) AK-47 or AR-15 2) AX 3) Chainsaw, Axe and baseball bat 4) Peterbuilt Wrecker or HUMMER 5) Browning Hi-Power (or a handgun that can hold at 15 rounds per magazine 6) 4-5 BBQ Propane tanks 7) Safehouse at least one mile from a major road.

There is a ton of other logistics but, that should get you out of the worst of it.

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