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DO YOU HAVE A ZOMBIE PLAN?

Are you ready for the inevitable zombie holocaust? Just owning a shotgun and a chainsaw is not enough. You need to consider all the factors, all your options, and be prepared to make the hard decisions.

Burial GroundRedneck ZombiesDawn of the Dead

WHERE IS THE NEAREST GOVERNMENT LABORATORY?
Right up the road.Well, it sucks to be you, doesn't it? The problem with living so close to the probable source of the biological, chemical, or supernatural experiments that create the zombies is that you are quite likely to get infected during the initial "accident." Buy a gas mask and wear it to bed.
Within walking distance.Which means it is also within easy shambling distance for the zombies. Get yourself a dog. The canine companion will not stop the zombies, but at least its barking might alert you to their presence. Plus, if the undead are eating the dog, that means they are not chewing on you.
On the other side of the state.Excellent! I can see that you did your homework before buying a house.
I don't know.Offhand, this is probably a good thing. You must be hundreds of miles away from the danger zone. You should still verify that there are not any new "no trespassing" signs posted at the abandoned military base on the edge of town.

Zombi 3 Where is the nearest government laboratory? Not satisfied with accidentally releasing the zombie-creating virus or chemical, they are quite likely to deploy troops with orders to shoot on sight.

WEAPONS AVAILABLE TO YOU
None, and I hate guns.You should find and befriend someone who is a member of the NRA and does not mind protecting pansies with his ammo.
A BB gun.That would be great...if this was about surviving an aluminum can revolt. Get a real firearm.
A handgun.I hope that you mean a .45 or .44 Magnum. 9mm bullets make really small holes. You want to make as big of a hole in the zombie's forehead as possible.
A shotgun.Awesome! Make sure that you have plenty of ammunition, and practice reloading while moving.
A 30-06 rifle.You need to find somebody with a shotgun and hook up. With your ability to snipe targets at long distances, and his (or her) close range firepower, shooting your way out of situations should not be a problem.
An M240G machinegun.You and I need to talk.

Return of the Living Dead 3 Get yourself a shotgun.

YOUR FRIENDS
My buddies are all hunters and survivalists.Well now, this will just be another camping trip, except that walking corpses are out to kill you and eat your brains.
We play a lot of video games together.Meaning that you are overweight and out of shape? Can you at least move faster than a zombie? Really? For how long?
We are "Resident Evil" fanatics.Well, at least you know to shoot them in the head.
My online buddy has a black belt in Judo.Have you ever seen this "friend" in person? He is probably just as pimply as you, and living in his parents' house, too.
All of my friends are girls.Let me guess: you are a boy, and you have a crush on all of them. The good news is that you are going to be sitting pretty on a bevy of grateful women if you can save them from the zombies. The bad news is that you cannot save all of them. Pick three favorites and concentrate on protecting them from the rotting horrors that have taken over the world.

Resident Evil 4 "Resident Evil" fanatics rejoice. You might not have touched a real firearm before, but at least you know to aim for the head (or parasite, as the case may be).

MEDICAL SUPPLIES AND TRAINING
Blood makes me queasy.The world is not a nice and tidy place anymore. The road will be littered with rotting corpses and scattered body parts. Prepare to deal with compound fractures, serious lacerations, and septic wounds on a daily basis. Do everybody else a favor and avoid stuffing yourself full at meals. You are going to spend a lot of time vomiting. Regurgitated food is wasted food.
I keep some band-aids in my car.Do you have any idea how many band-aids it would take to treat someone who is covered with zombie bites?
My medical kit is stocked with trauma-related supplies.Glad to hear it. You need to add two items that are usually not included in an emergency kit. First off, you need acid. If a zombie bites somebody, Bactine is not going to cut the mustard. Cleanse the wound with acid. Second, get a hacksaw from the garage and toss it in with all the bandages and such. You know, just in case the acid is not an effective treatment.
I look forward to conducting medical experiments on the living dead.All righty then.

Zombi 3 Once the zombies are loose, band-aids are not going to cut it. Also, if you cannot stand the sight of blood, do us all a favor and get killed early on. Nobody wants to hear you scream every time you trip over another rotting corpse.

TRANSPORTATION
I don't have a car.Sign up for a gym membership and stay in shape. Until you meet someone who has a driver's license, you are going to do a lot of running.
My Prius is my baby.If the zombie outbreak takes place in Saudi Arabia, you can laugh at all those idiots driving 6 mpg SUVs. However, if the zombies are a bit closer to home, your amazing fuel efficiency is not going to impress them. The zombies will probably flip your electric toy over when you try to crash through a crowd of them. See if you can rig the batteries to electrify the outer shell.
I got a big ol' 4X4 truck/SUV.Overwhelmingly the most popular vehicle choice in the post-zombie holocaust world, and for reasons that should be obvious. Do not abandon the dude whose Prius is stuck in the ditch. Pull it out and ask the owner, and his hot girlfriend, to follow your truck. He is obviously a nincompoop who will not last long; meaning that the hot girlfriend is going to be available quite soon. Do you know how much the girls toss that stuff around once the end of the world is nigh? Get some while the getting is good.
I own an M60 tank.God bless America and her military surplus auctions.

Zombi 2 Bicycling your way out of the zombie apocalypse is not an option. Buy an old 4X4, fix it yourself, and keep it in running condition. If you just cannot bear to leave your bike behind, install a roof rack on the Land Rover.


Written by Andrew Borntreger on 17 June 2008.
Are you ready to fortify the house? Continue reading Do you have a zombie plan (Part 2).

Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5]
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #33. Posted on December 05, 2008, 04:02:10 AM by Tealscrubber
This is good for a laugh and all, but if people actually follow this plan of yours alot of them are going to end up undead.Check out the book "The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks if you actually want a chance at surviving.
It has plenty of helpful tips like the one below:

Hunting Rifles are the best guns the average civilian should use.A rifle's single shot capability forces the user to make each round count, increasing the chance of a hit.This feature also eliminates even the possibility of "rock 'n' rolling"and therefore preserving ammunition whether the user intends to or not.It also uses the most common ammo an average civilian can come across.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #34. Posted on March 12, 2009, 11:33:07 AM by Tom
That is a good plan, but if films have taugt us anything its that there's usually more zombies than living people so whats really the point. My plan is to leave a goodbye message on my camera phone, make my peace with god and take a bunch of seeping pills then hope that I've take enough so as not to wake up in about an hour and see my intestines being pulled out and share amongst a welcoming party of undead cannibals.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #35. Posted on March 23, 2009, 06:07:27 PM by Marc
I recommend that as soon as you get into your big ol' 4x4, you start heading for the south. Why? The farther south you go, the more people who own guns (shotguns in particular).  Unless of course the zombies are aware of themselves and know how to use guns.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #36. Posted on March 23, 2009, 08:20:46 PM by indianasmith
You know, something the movies never really address . . . do zombies continue to decompose in their resurrected state?  If so, the Zombie invasion would not last through one full Texas summer . . .  a roadkill dog skeletonizes in about one month down here!

Just gotta make it through that month . . . .
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #37. Posted on October 21, 2009, 02:33:16 AM by whitelion43
 about the gun and goverment experimental labs, I live 1 mile north of Parris Island Marine Corp Recruitment Center(Marine Corp Boot Camp) and about 2 or 3 miles south of Beaufort Marine Corp Air Station. If the Zombie Holocaust happens one these 2 places is Ideal to wait it out for the Zombies to rot away
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #38. Posted on October 22, 2009, 07:24:20 PM by cidknight
England is not a groovy place to be if a zombie outbreak happens. Farmers and rich country ponces would be the only people with shot guns, though some street thugs will probably have some hand guns.
You could join a gang and go through a meaningless initiation process which will probably be raping some poor defenseless woman. But at least you'll have a hand gun, that's better than no gun.

I have a chainsaw which i bought from the garden center i worked at 2 years ago.

If possible i'd like to get a female and male zombie in a room together and play them porn movies over and over, maybe they'll mate.

 
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #39. Posted on March 25, 2010, 07:34:40 AM by A. Taylor
Motorcycle, preferably a dirtbike, would do it. It can be rigged up to hold guns and ammo. A bike can out run a zombie and can ride through the woods and around the trees etc. that will be in the road after the initial blast. Yeah, a good dirt bike and lots of ammo (with gun of course) should do it. Remember shoot first ask questions later if someone starts to approach, you don't want someone trying to steal the bike.  If you run out of gas you find a vehicle that is empty on the side of the road, one that doesn't have a zombie in it. Works for me.
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 1)
Reply #40. Posted on August 28, 2012, 07:16:18 PM by Dogsledder
I'll plant a lot of carnivorous plants and Peashooters on the lawn. Failing that I'll see my CQ about the armoury. Tell him I have to re qualify. Also, a helmet to protect my BRAINS. That should keep them away.
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