DO YOU HAVE A ZOMBIE PLAN?
A man's home is his castle. |
The first article in this series covered some of the basics. This time we are going to talk about the house: home improvements that discourage undead visitors. |
| DO YOU HAVE A BASEMENT? |
| I have a lovely walk-out basement. | Which has a lovely set of sliding glass doors to the patio. Imagine what a baseball would do to those doors. Now, imagine what a baseball bat-wielding zombie would do. Mr. Mickey "Braineater" Mantle is going to smash his way through those lovely sliding glass doors, and then beat your head in with the bat. By the way, because it is a zombie's bat, it is probably going to be covered with nails and the blood and brains of other victims. |
| No. | Hire a realtor. Now. |
| We have a crawlspace. | Don't hide in the crawlspace; the zombies will sniff you out. Being trapped in a dark crawlspace with a dozen flesh eating zombies is no way to spend a Sunday morning. |
| Yes, and the doorknob is installed so that I can lock myself in the basement, and it has a horizontal security bar. | What are you doing in my house? |
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 | Installing a reinforced steel basement door adds value to your home, and it can save your life. |
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| DOORS AND WINDOWS |
| My home has no windows. | Do you live in a cave or an apartment? |
| We have lots of windows. | I hope you also have lots of furniture in your house, because you need to board those up. In fact, my suggestion to you is to redecorate with rustic furniture built from 2X4s. That way, when it is time to barricade the windows, you will have plenty of stout material. |
| Every window has steel bars. | How is Philadelphia these days? Can you still buy a tasty cheesesteak from that little hole-in-the-wall on South Street? |
| This is a safe neighborhood; none of our doors have deadbolts. | Your worst nightmare is a zombie with a credit card. |
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 | Lots of windows and glass doors = bad. |
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| DO YOU OWN A HAMMER AND NAILS? |
| No. | Why not? My mom has a hammer. She never uses it, because she just abuses every other tool I have ever given her as a present by hammering nails with them, but Mom does own a hammer. |
| No hammer, but I have nails. | What do you plan to use to drive those nails? Your frying pan? Your shoe? Your iPod? Whatever you pick for "operation impromptu hammer," do not use the butt of your pistol. It will accidentally discharge, and your pitiful cries for help (because the stray bullet severed your femoral artery) are going to distract everyone in the house from what they should be doing: using a hammer to nail stuff over the windows. |
| My neighbor owns a hammer. | Borrow it from him, and every time he asks for you to return it make up an excuse why you cannot. When the zombie holocaust happens he is going to show up on your doorstep as one of the walking dead. Smash his skull in with the hammer. You owe him that kindness. |
| I have a hammer, nails, a DeWalt cordless drill, and a big box of 3" exterior deck screws. | If we get out of this alive, you and I are going to have a beer together. Go ahead and nail the 2X4s in place. After everything is boarded up, use the screws to reinforce the fortifications. If other's are helping you, pay attention to your tools. The world just ended and people are going to steal anything that is not nailed down. |
| Like, my nails are painted pink, but I don't listen to M.C. Hammer. Britney all the way, sweet! | I am trying to figure out a way you can be of some use in this situation. OK, I have got a plan:
Take a bundle of dynamite.
Light the fuse.
Hold it close to your chest.
Walk at least twenty yards from the house.
Try to hug as many zombies as possible.
Wait. I know they are biting you, but just wait. |
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 | Keep your hammer with your towel, so you always know where it is. |
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| YOUR NEIGHBORS |
| My neighbor is a smoking hot MILF who sunbathes topless by her pool every day. | Get a grip on yourself (and I don't mean how you have been every time you think of her). She is either going to be a complete waste of effort, like the non-hammer-owning Britney Spears fan from above, or else she is going to show up on your doorstep as a very naked, very tempting, very already bitten and turned into a zombie, Trojan horse. |
| My closest neighbor is three miles away. | So you live in Wyoming? Well, the good thing is that the entire population of your state could be turned into zombies and you would not have to worry. They will all be out in the pastures, chewing up the cows. Even if every single zombie in Wyoming were to make a beeline for your house you would need what, two boxes of shotgun shells to kill them all?
Grab the 30-06, park yourself in a comfortable chair on the porch, sip some tea, and feel sorry for all the folks in New York City who are up to their armpits in the living dead. |
| I like the neighbors to the right, but not the neighbors on the left. | Borrow the hammer from the guy on your left. |
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 | The "smoking hot MILF" who lives next door is going to come looking for you. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen until after she becomes a zombie. Life is unfair. Deal with it. |
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| FOOD & WATER |
| I only drink bottled water. | Stockpile a few cases of Aquafina in the basement. Once that runs out, drink tap water. It's what you have been drinking all along. |
| We have a well. | Check the water to make sure it is not filled with little alien parasites. Something made all those zombies. Maybe you had better boil the water before drinking it. Hold on, what if the zombies were caused by a chemical that contaminated the water supply? You need to build a water distiller. It's the only way to be safe. |
| My emergency supplies include six cases of MREs. | Remember to replace them every ten years or so. Yes, I said ten years. The cheese spread might look like something out of a horror movie, but it should still be edible.
Regardless of their age, I doubt that anyone could ever call the corned beef hash edible. Just give the corned beef hash MREs to "that guy" - the one who is always complaining about not being in charge. He is already going to try to kill you so that he can be the big man in the house. Making Mr. Problem Child eat disgusting food is not going to hurt your relationship; if you are lucky, the wretched things will do him in before he makes his move to usurp your authority. |
| The pantry is stocked with hundreds of canned goods. | Fan-can-tastic. Make sure you have a can opener. Otherwise, you are going to look like a nincompoop when it comes time for the first post-apocalypse, thanks-be-to-God-that-we-are-still-alive meal. |
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 | Check your water supply often for signs of zombie-causing contaminants, like alien brain leeches. |
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| MATERIALS AVAILABLE TO FORTIFY THE HOUSE |
| A tube of bathroom caulk. | That is just peachy. When we run into a leaky zombie, you're up. |
| A case of Liquid Nails. | At first, I was going to berate you like I did Mr. Silicone Caulk, but I think your Liquid Nails stockpile has promise. You could empty all the tubes and make a big glue trap. Wait. Unfortunately, as innovative as this sounds, I think Murphy's Law dictates that the zombies will finally break into the house, and that somebody in your group (probably the loudest screamer) will get stuck in the glue trap. We all know what happens next. |
| Enough 2X4s and 2X6s to build a deck. | Were you really going to build a deck, or did buying all that stuff make you feel like a man? You do not have to answer that; I shouldn't have asked. Take that miniature lumberyard and get to work. The good thing is that you do not have to disassemble the furniture - meaning that everybody will still have something to sit on. |
| There are six pallets of bricks and twenty bags of mortar mix in the cellar. | You are a well-prepared little piggy, but you scare me. What else is in that cellar? Jimmy Hoffa? The evil twin brother you cannot bear to lock in an asylum? An ex-wife or two? |
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 | If you stockpile building materials, you will not be forced to tear your furniture apart to barricade all the windows. |
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Written by Andrew Borntreger on 24 September 2008.
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| Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 2)
Reply #25. Posted on February 09, 2009, 01:00:59 PM by DoctorMcShocker
While the hammer is effective, I personally think it is much better to always carry an array of different sized crowbars. Also everyone needs a crossbow.
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Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 2)
Reply #26. Posted on October 21, 2009, 02:49:13 AM by whitelion43
There are alien, werewolf, vampire, and even Innsmouth plans in the future. All of them need more work. I just got rolling with the zombie plan part 2, so I went with it.
I need all of these things as I live in a seaside town. also I need a Kaiju plan as well
David G
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| Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 2)
Reply #27. Posted on May 01, 2012, 05:30:44 PM by Pacman000
Hmmmmmmm.... so the hot MILF is now a naked zombie.... but she's still hot... Couldn't I just trap her, wash her, gag her and tie her hands and feet and have my way with her and then carve her head in with a hammer?
As was already pointed out, I would be concerned that zombism was an STD. Also, if possible, we need to get an old Greyhound bus, and put on some acoutrements to allow us to ram through the hordes of zombies, whilst making a food run/getaway...
But what about the vampire plan? Too hard? I mean, if they follow convention, it should be easy to get them
before nightfall, correct? Maybe I need to rent '30 Days of Night' and get some clues...
The military has some offroad 4 wheel drive buses that look like the standard yellow schoolbuses everyone knows. Those would probably be even better. There are alien, werewolf, vampire, and even Innsmouth plans in the future. All of them need more work. I just got rolling with the zombie plan part 2, so I went with it. I have a question... Why do zombies always go for human brains? Why don't we ever see them take down a cow? That could be hellafunny!
They went after pet brains in Return of the Living Dead Part 2. Still, seeing a horde of zombie tipping and then munching on a cow would be pretty funny. If you live in a TWO story house with no external stairs, you can leave an upper floor window unboarded, with a rope ladder for escape/foraging expeditions.
\BTW, can zombies get through goat fencing? If they're lousy fence climbers, I am GOLDEN!
Going up is always a plan, but jumping out of a window worries me. I keep thinking about people doing crowd dives at concerts, and that is not something you would want to do into a zombie mob. Sure, they might hold you up above their heads and pass you around - so each one of them can rip off a morsel as you pass by. You could pour hot/corrosive liquid on them. They should feel pain; it would protect them. As such they should know to get away from the nut pouring stuff out of the upstairs window. |
Re: Article: Do you have a zombie plan? (Pt 2)
Reply #28. Posted on November 03, 2015, 09:36:38 AM by Alex
After some thought I decided to best place to be in the event of a zombie outbreak would be a caretakers house in a cemetary. Its going to be pretty hard for them to dig up through 6 feet of earth, not to mention its not going to be easy to escape the coffin with limited space to gain leverage. All the graveyards around here have walls around them and fairly solid gates preventing random wandering zombies from strolling in. And in the middle of a zombie apocalypse who else is going to think of hiding out in the middle of a nest of them? So other people trying to steal your supplies should be less of a problem too. If you do start seeing any signs of zombies escaping from the grave a headstone makes a great improvised weapon to push over onto them. You'd also have a fair bit of space to go wandering around in so you wouldn't be stuck in the house which could be used to grow food in.
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