THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

[Troy gets into the back of Rowsdower's truck] Tom: "Huddled in a pile of dirty laundry: it's just like home."   

[Rev. Powell]

THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON

[Villager stabs invading Mongol with a pitchfork]
TOM (to the tune of "Green Acres"): The chores!

Invincor: And when you find such a man give him this, my magic sword, to defend our land and people from all manner of enemies...
TOM: ...and get the five bucks he owes me.

[Montage of winter turning into spring]
CROW: OK, we get it, cycle of friggin' life!

MIKE: This movie has the same plot as "A Boy Named Sue."

[Rev. Powell]

from the SNOW THRILLS short:

Narrator (during ski footage): The correct way to pronounce it is "Shi-ing"!
Joel: Yeah, well you're full of skit.

In a later segment they discuss the sport of "Ski Joring":

JOEL: She whoring?
CROW: Next, on Sally Jesse Raphael...

also from SNOW THRILLS:

JOEL: There's nothing quite as pretty on a sunny day as arterial spray on the white snow.

[Rev. Powell]

DANGER! DEATH RAY

MIKE: They've really captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.

MIKE: Abe Lincoln is 'Time Cop'!

[Hero and villain are playing pool]
TOM: Let's put our balls on the table, shall we?

[AndyC]

Leech Woman:

Mocking the jungle guide's affected accent.

Crow: "Blast. I appear to be dead. Still, must make the best of it. Simply redouble our efforts and grab a lorry and take a lift up to the derby and everything should be just blobby in a week or so."

And the running Granny joke.

Servo: "Jeeeeed!"

[retrorussell]

Sky Divers:
(Beth's pants appear poofy in the back)
Servo: Ugh.. she's got a pantload!

(Suzie goes into a drugstore to get acid from the shopowner in exchange for sexual favors)
Servo (singing): Sex for sundries is fun, hey!  Sex for sundries is fun, everybody!  Sex for sundries is fun..

(Various models greet the Aerial Show skydiving team as they board the plane)
Mike: Good luck, you're gonna die. 

[ChaosTheory]

MANOS:

the closing credits come up,
Joel: "OK, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch."

[Rev. Powell]

SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

CROW: I just don't get the physics of a hovering bat.

[Samson enters movie for the first time, shirtless and wearing his silver mask and cloak]
MIKE, CROW: TOM: [Uncontrollable giggling]
TOM: I feel sort of silly now. Did I overdress?

[Closeup of rotting corpse]
MIKE: She's got combination skin: one part is fetid and one part is rotted.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Putrescence!

[Rev. Powell]

"Chicken of Tomorrow"

Narrator: "The temperature of an egg when laid is over 100 degrees. Every minute it's left in a hot nest in a hot hen house takes away some of its moisture and freshness."
MIKE: So put your mouth under a chicken.
Narrator: "Gather your eggs often, three or four times a day"
CROW: Make sure to put them all in one basket.

THE BRUTE MAN

CROW: Et tu, Brute Man?

[Crotchety grocery store owner reading newspaper]
CROW: God is dead? Good!

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

[Satoris is threatening Rowsdower]
Mike: [deep voice] "Now give me your lunch money." 

[Trevor]

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS [Watching footage of a field being plowed]

Crow: "Harrowing, isn't it?"  

[Ozzymandias]

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000:

"Sorry folks, I've got an old Johnson...and my outboard motor isn't working either."

[Rev. Powell]

THE MOLE PEOPLE

TOM: Don't mind me, I'm going to go whip the mole.

[During a mole-person whipping sequence]
CROW: This is unpleasant.
MIKE: Just imagine it's Adam Sandler.
CROW: Suddenly it's great!

MIKE: This is the Jerry Garcia guitar solo of liturgical dance.

[Trevor]

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000:

"Sorry folks, I've got an old Johnson...and my outboard motor isn't working either."

[Trevor]

SPACE MUTINY

Commander Jansen: My father and his father before him...
Mike Nelson: Also taped wool to their faces.