THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[retrorussell]

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short):

Narrator (as kids are standing in front of a tall row of corn): Everything seems to be growing.  When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high.  Now it's taller than he is.
Servo: George is clearly shrinking.

[a boy is shown eating a sandwich]
Tom Servo: Mmm, good, white, hearty white bread for white, white people!

Pumaman:

Kobras: [who's played by Donald Pleasance] Comb the area! Find him!
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb".. right there.

Kobras: Because you are made of earth...
Crow: [as Kobras] Corn grows in you.
Kobras: ...and to earth you shall return!
Mike Nelson: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

[Watching Puma Man "fly"]
Mike Nelson: He has the power to rear-project major cities.

Villain: Everybody who goes there doesn't talk!
Crow: So nobody who DOESN'T go there doesn't NOT talk?

[Zapranoth]

Trevor, I thought about that eyyyyyyyye on the sammich line too.  ("Mitchell")   

Mine,

1.   This Island Earth:  "I suddenly seem to have acquired a minty green flavor."
2.   Cave Dwellers:  (the main character is flying a hang glider) "You're gonna be my regular Saturday night thing."  (of course a line cadged from Road House)

[retrorussell]

Bloodlust:

(Kid motions fellow boat crew over, pointing at land offscreen):
Crow: Look!  Water!  Lots of it!

(Crew playfully looks for treasure on island)
Nerdy guy: My intuition tells me that Captain Kidd buried his treasure over there! (points directly to his left, where a girl is standing next to him)
Mike: In her bra?!

Girl: I'm scared!
Nerdy guy: Nothing to be scared about, I'll be right here with ya!
Mike: (as girl) My point exactly.

(Nerdy guy and girl investigate island mansion)
Crow: Indiana Nerd and the Temple of Dork!

Dean Gerrard: Someone will have to try to swim out to the mainland and get help.
Nerdy guy: I'm not much of a swimmer, but I'll try.
Mike: You ain't much of ANYTHING.

[Trevor]

One word: ROWSDOWER!!! 


Pipper: McGregor! Troy McGregor? Thomas' son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Tom Servo: Know him? He was delicious!

Crow: [the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.

Rowsdower: Their people ruled this land once.
Mike Nelson: They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.

[Rowsdower pours booze over his tattooed arm]
Tom Servo: Have a drink on me, tattoo.

Tom Servo: [as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!
[Satoris starts burning]
Crow: So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?
Mike Nelson: Uh, I dunno.
Crow: Can we try it? Turn around.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the company name Greidanus] He comes from a long line of great anuses.

[retrorussell]

I just saw "The Final Sacrifice" for the first time!  Wow, what a boring film.. thank God it was the MST3K version I saw.  The first and last film to have somebody named Zap Rowsdower!

[Leah]

I just saw "The Final Sacrifice" for the first time!  Wow, what a boring film.. thank God it was the MST3K version I saw.  The first and last film to have somebody named Zap Rowsdower!

but it's only the last name 

[retrorussell]

Troy's man-crush dreams involve being named Mr. Troy Rowsdower someday.

[Trevor]

Troy's man-crush dreams involve being named Mr. Troy Rowsdower someday.

"Rowsdower? Could you put my head out? Thanks." 

[Leah]

from Pod People
little brat (forgot the name): Trumpy, you can do magic
Tom: It's called evil, kid

[retrorussell]

from Pod People
little brat (forgot the name): Trumpy, you can do magic
Tom: It's called evil, kid

The kid was named Tommy.

(Hunter starts smashing alien eggs by beating them with stick)
Crow: Aw, what is he, an L.A. cop?

(Tommy, running outside, stumbles)
Crow: Ew, Trumpy, gross..
Tom Servo: Tommy stepped in some Trumpy dumpy!

Servo: Even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog!

Joel: Pod People got no reason to live.

[Rev. Powell]

THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN:

CROW: They just placed a bunch of movies together in a blender and pushed the mix button.

[camera focuses on wiggling posteriors of go-go-dancing batgirls]

MIKE: Wow, that's 40 pounds of butt in 30 pound butt-capacity pants!

[retrorussell]

More Final Sacrifice:

(Troy leans into Rowsdower's driver window as he tries to start the truck)
Rowsdower: C'mon baby, don't let me down.
Servo (as Troy): I won't, Rowsdower!

Rowsdower: You stay here while I go get us some water.
Troy: I'll go.
Crow (as Troy): Can you carry me?

Rowsdower: (panting, after escaping bad guys): They were calling me!
Mike (as Troy): Wow.. nobody ever calls ME.

(Pipper draws map)
Mike: (as Pipper): Here's the plan: my army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.

Mike (as Pipper, to Rowsdower): Made ya some trail mix out of rat droppings and hair!

(Film title appears during opening credits)
Servo: Aw.. can I have just one more sacrifice before we go?
Mike: Okay, okay, but this is the FINAL sacrifice.
Servo: Goody goody!

Troy (asking about his dad, to his mom): Am I like him?
Mike (as mom): No, he was masculine and likable.

Rowsdower: (talking to Troy about the men that have been chasing them): It's a cult.
Servo: They worship blue oysters.

[Chainsawmidget]

"Trumpy! You can do stupid things!"

[retrorussell]

More Batwoman:

Mike: I have a feeling Satan would regret making this movie.

Mike: (as Ratfink lurks outside ) There's a peeping Zorro outside.

Mike: It's like a Warhol movie, except it's kinda weird.

(seeing a buxom dancer)
Crow: Hey, turn down the highbeams!
Tom: Think she rafts much? Wow!

[Chainsawmidget]

Roses are blue
Violets are red
I like to shoot heroin
right into my head