The truly terrible joke thread

[Umaril Has Returned]

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!   

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."

     

[Umaril Has Returned]

During the Iraq war, a group of airborne commandos was preparing for their raid on an Iraqi ammo dump. The unit consisted of 6 men and 6 female soldiers.  As they were checking their gear, the one male soldier said to the female soldier next to him,  "why are you wearing a jock strap on the outside of your fatigues"?   She said, "so I won't whistle on the way down and give away our position"...

[Umaril Has Returned]

Four gay guys were sitting in a hot tub when a glob of baby batter floated up to the top.  The one gay guy shrieked at the top of his voice: "Alright, which one of you b***hes farted?!?"

At a local hospital, blood-curdling screams came form one of the rooms...the doctor and a nurse came running into the room, only to find the orderly standing over  the man doing the screaming..his genitals were red and swollen to nearly twice their size...

"No, no, NO!" shouted the doctor to the orderly: " I told you to prick his boil!!!"

[Javakoala]

A travelling salesman's car breaks down deep in the wilds of West Virginia. There's a winter storm on the way, and he knows he can't stay in his car. He sets out to find someplace, any place, to stay the night.

After what seems like hours in the darkness, he finds a farm house. He goes up and knocks on the door. Minutes pass before the door opens. A crusty old farmer squints at him and says, "It's late, son. What do you want?"

"My car broke down, and the blizzard is starting to move in. I'm half frozen. Can I stay the night, please?"

The geezer thinks about it. "Okay, son, you can stay the night, but your gonna have to sleep with my 17-year-old daughter."

The salesman pauses and then says, "Are you sure about that?"

"You ain't sleeping with me, boy. It's that or you can stay out there and freeze."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Thanks."

The farmer lets him in and points to a door. "Go on in. Just make sure you don't wake me up."

"Yes, sir."

The next morning, still dark outside due to the weather, the salesman walks into the kitchen where the farmer is fixing breakfast. The old man pours him a cup of coffee and tells him to sit down.

He notices the salesman is acting a bit odd, so he finally says, "Alright, son. Out with it."

"Well, sir, I hate to say it, but, well, I had sex with your daughter."

The old man smiles and says, "A young guy like you, I figured as much. How was it?"

The salesman is a bit taken aback by the farmer's calm reaction, so he decides to be honest. "It was pretty good. But I only had one problem."

"What's that, boy?"

"Well, it was the oddest thing. The whole time, she kept spitting rice in my face."

The farmer laughed and slapped the salesman's knee. "Aw, son, that weren't rice; those were maggots. She's been dead for 6 weeks."

[Umaril Has Returned]

Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness 

Anyhow,
an old blind man went to ask for a job at a local lumberyard.  The boss of the company was astounded, but decided to hear what the old man had to say. The old man told him he could tell any kind of wood by the smell of it.

"Okay", the boss said, and took a piece of wood and stuck it under his nose.
"Oak", the old man said.
"You got it!" said the boss

He took another piece of wood and held it under his nose again
"Maple", the old man said
"Unbelievable!" said the boss.

The boss then decided to play a trick on the old man. He had his secretary lift her skirt, and the boss and a few men picked her up and put her crotch just under the old man's nose.   The old man took a while, but when he was done he said

"Tried to pull a fast one over on an old man, huh? You ain't fooling me, son, that there's definitely the s**thouse door off a tuna boat!"

[Javakoala]

Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness 

Oh, but I'm saving a special joke for later. It's the one joke that made my dad tell me, "If I ever hear you tell that joke around me again, I will beat the living hell out of you." My dad has been dead for years, but I still look around to make sure he isn't nearby when I tell it.

[Chainsawmidget]

A man walks up to the bar and asks the bar keeper, "How much is Bud Light?"  

The bartender tells him $4.  

The man says, "eh, that's a bit too much.  How much does a Miller Light cost?"

The bartender tells him $3.75

The man says, "that's still more than  I want to spend.  How much is a Coors Light?"

The bartender tells him $2.75.

The mans says "that's still a bit much.  What's the cheapest thing here?"

The bartender looks at him and says "evidently, you."

[Newt]

What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!

[Umaril Has Returned]

What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!

Whew.....    

[Umaril Has Returned]

Okay, so Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter decide to rob a bank..

They go in, tell everyone to put their hands in the air, and Kennedy and Carter start going to work on the safe while Slick Willy is sizing up the women in the bank.

It's no good, I can't crack the safe" says Carter. "We'll have to blow the safe open".
"What about the women and children?" says Kennedy.

"Screw the women and children!" says Carter.  Clinton says "Do we have enough time"?


Y'know that Clinton made Monica Lewinsky a rich woman, right? Every time she reached into her dress pocket, she pulled out a wad of Bill's...

[Leah]

Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.

[Umaril Has Returned]

Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.

Ouch....

[Zapranoth]

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.

[Javakoala]

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.

With a joke like that, I would say you are a wit, but I'd be only half right.

Just kidding. 

[Chainsawmidget]

Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 

If you're not part of the group, then it just isn't funny, it's offensive. 

So, anyway, two pedophiles walk into a bar...




What?  Why's everyone looking at me like that?