The truly terrible joke thread

[Leah]

Q:Who tells the worst joke?

A: Any cast members from The Big Bang Theory

[retrorussell]

I hope I didn't tell this already:

A blonde and her boyfriend attend a football game; her first.  After the referee tossed the quarter in the air to determine who would get the right to elect to receive or kick, the home team kicked the ball to the visiting team.  After a touchback the defense got on the field.  The ball was snapped and the quarterback began scrambling under pressure.  The frantic crowd began yelling, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"

The blonde stood up and yelled at the fans around her, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"

[diamondwaspvenom]

Why was the snowman so happy?


'Cause the snowblower came over.  

[diamondwaspvenom]

So there's this couple, and the woman is going to the guy's house to have dinner and meet his parents. Now, as she has never before encountered them, she's EXTREMELY afraid of making a bad impression.

As they start eating at the table, the woman becomes so nervous that she lets loose a fart. The father looks at her chair and says (in an aggrivated tone) "Max". The woman looks down and notices the family dog beneath her. "Phew, he thought it was the dog", she thought.

The dinner continues and the woman emits another fart. The father becomes more agitated and says: "Max, seriously!"

"This is great, I can emit as much farts as I want and the dog will get the blame!", the woman thinks.

When the dinner was about finished, the woman farts again. This time on purpose. The father, now extremely angry, gets up and yells: "Damnit Max! Get out from there before she sh!ts on you!!"

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

Once a guy went to a psychologist.  and he was told he needed a roarsch blot test
So he sees the first one and says "Sex"
Second one "Sex"
third one "naked people"
4th one "sex" and so forth.
The doc says, "sir you have a real problem withh sex"
The guy says "Well you are the one flashing pornography"

and #2
A guy loved beans, but had to swear off of them due to intestinal problems.  One day on his birthday, he decided to treat himself and ate a ridiculous amount for lunch.  He goes home that afternon and his wife meets him at the door with a blindfold and tells him to sit in the dining room and wait for dinner.  So he sits and the beans start up, and he farts again and again, waving his arms around to dissapate the smell.  FInally his wife comes in and whips off the blindfold for his suprise dinner....
12 friends sitting around the table with him.

[Leah]

what do you get when a blonde stands on her head? A Brunette  with bad breath

[Hammock Rider]

Here's Uncle Miltie on the Mafia.

Israel has it's own Mafia-The Kosher Nostra

One young gangster joined the Mafia because he wanted to follow in his father's fingerprints.

New York isn't  even safe for criminals. One guy held up a bank and got mugged on the way to the getaway car.

Times are tough even for the Mafia these days. Last month they had to lay off three city councilman,

[Derf]

Q: What happens when you insert human DNA into a goat?


A: You get kicked out of the petting zoo. 

[100Nights]

what do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he isnt going to come to you.

where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

[BTM]

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.

[Mofo Rising]

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.

There's the classic:

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh--"
"Moooooooo!"

I came up with the following joke which has never made anybody laugh but me.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Disappointing George."
"Disappointing George who?"
"..."
Remain quiet until they attempt to punch you in the face.

[Trevor]

The one I've never been able to figure out:

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?"
"My ass."

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

A guy who was having his yearly physical decided to play a prank on his doctor.

When he brought a urine sample from home, he had his wife and daughter add their own to it, as well as a bit of oil from his engine, and a semen sample from him.

When the doctor called him in the office to discuss the results, the doctor told him flat out:

"OK, smart-ass, you think this joke was funny, well laugh this off---first off, your wife has VD,  your daughter's pregnant,  your car's about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop maturbating, that tennis elbow of yours is never going to heal!"

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!

O-hooooooooo, that was bad.   I'm telling my Mummy on you...

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

Why do female paratroopers wear jock straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down...


Science has finally concluded that the Egg came first, but only after the Chicken...


There was a sailor sitting on the shore with a normal sized body and tiny head.  When one of his fellow sailors asked him what happened, he said that a mermaid appeared and said she would grant him 3 wishes.  

"What happened"? his buddy asked.  

His friend replied,  "I said to her, how about a little head"?


A nun and a priest were stuck in the desert after their camel died from lack of water.  As they both lay dying, the priest pulled up his robe and exposed himself to the nun.

"Do you know what this is, sister?  It's the Staff Of Life..."

The nun looks at the priest and says "well shove it up that camel's a*s so we can get the hell out of here!"


And finally, this one:  A woman who was totally drunk leaned over and said to the bartender, "gimme' another marshini, bud. I have such a bad case of heartburn!"

The bartender looks at her and says, "you mean, you want a martini, not a marshini, And second, you don't have heatburn, one of your t!ts is in the ashtray."