The truly terrible joke thread

[Alex]

I think more kids should be called Lance.
I mean it isn't a common name nowadays, but in the old days...

Well, people were Lance a lot.

[zombie no.one]

how did bob marley like his donuts?

with an infusion of jam (or any similar fruit preserve) injected directly into the centre of the fried dough.

[indianasmith]

Larry the accountant was three hours late coming home from work one day.
His wife met him at the door, concerned and a bit angry.  "Where have you been all evening?" she demanded.
"If you must know, I was getting a tattoo!" he replied.
"I don't see a tattoo," she said, looking at his arms.
"It's on my willie," he replied.
"And what did you get tattooed on your willie?" she asked.
"A hundred dollar bill," he explained.
"Why?"
"Several reasons - one, I like to watch my money grow.  Two, I sometimes like to play with my money.  Three, I like holding my money in my hand.
And four - now you never have to go shopping again! You can stay home and blow $100 any time you want!"

[Alex]

I wonder what kind of fitness regime Jesus followed.

I see him as a CrossFit guy myself.

[RCMerchant]

First guy: Would you rather eat a goat baby or a mata baby?

Second guy: What's a mata baby?

First guy: Nothing. What's a mata with you, baby?

[ER]

Only in New Jersey

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

What, you think I'm Alexa with all the answers or somethin'? We gonna have a problem, cuz I got yer problems right here, bozo!

[indianasmith]

What do you get when you cross a Mafia boss with a duck?

A dead duck.  Never, ever cross a Mafia boss!

[RCMerchant]

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A picture of Jesus only takes one nail.

[indianasmith]

I spotted an albino dalmation today.

He looks much better now.

[indianasmith]

Why did Kirk have to leave the bridge of the Enterprise so quickly?

He thought it was a fart, but it was the "Captain's Log!"

[Rev. Powell]

I passed a construction site today. There was a woman working there. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was riveting!

[indianasmith]

My wife and I were talking about history the other day, and she said: "It's amazing how little people change!"

I said: "They do it the same as the rest of us, their clothes are just much smaller!"

[ER]

Why are pool tables green?

You'd be green too if someone hit your balls with a stick.

[Rev. Powell]

A homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself, "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah." So I gave him the $20.

[ER]

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley