Question:
What do you call a bloody mary without the vodka ?
Answer:
A bloody shame :smile:
lol
:bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
Jack Bauer is so good that when Kim Bauer lost her virginity he found it and put it back.
Chuck Norris once threw a roundhouse kick so fast it travelled back in time and knocked the engine out of Amelia Earhart's plane!
Chuck Norris refuses to wear condoms because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.
Outer Space exists because it doesn't want to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
There are really no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.
And . . .
When Chuck Norris was born, only the doctor cried. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Its hard to find Waldo because he's hiding from Chuck Norris.
or
Lightning never strikes twice in the same area because Chuck Norris is after it.
political one
An Israeli landed at Kennedy Airport in New York
At the control the officer asked:
- " Occupation ? "
The Israeli answers:
- " No, just for visit. "
Chuck Norris makes a milkshake just by looking at milk.
Chuck Norris is the reason Stephen Hawking looks like that.
Quote from: indianasmith on February 07, 2009, 05:51:50 PM
Chuck Norris is the reason Stephen Hawking looks like that.
Ohhh...harsh... :bluesad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2PzagXsD0Y
When Chuck Norris jumped into a lake he didn't get wet. The lake got Chuck Norris.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
Why were the bakers hands brown?
...Because he kneaded a poo :bouncegiggle:
Sperm Whales aren't really whales, they're sperm, Chuck Norris's sperm.
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-freedom-fail.jpg)
So, a serial killer walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender makes it for him, he takes a sip, spits it out, and stabs the bartender repeatedly while shouting, "IF I WANTED TOMATO JUICE, I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR TOMATO JUICE!"
Never ask a woman their age...
So, female posters...how much do you weigh ? :wink:
How are a pickle and mayonaise similar?
They both have feathers.
:bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
no, you aren't supposed to get it. That's why it's funny :lookingup:.
:wink:
Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups...he pushes the earth down.
Mike Tyson has a girly voice because he always dreamed of being Chuck Norris's wife.
Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Downtown, there's this bar, and this bar is named "Hell." It has a "Dante's Inferno" theme to the decor. One day, a priest, a rabbi, and Jason Vorhees walk into this bar called Hell.
The priest goes up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, if you give me a free drink, I will put a blessing on your bar that will double your business." And the bartender shrugs, gives the priest a free drink, and the priest blesses the bar. Immediately, three more people walk in.
The rabbi says, "That's nothing! Bartender, if you give me a free drink, I will put a blessing on your bar that will double your business again." And the bartender shrugs, gives the rabbi a free drink, and the rabbi blesses the bar. Immediately, six more people walk in.
The bartender turns to Jason and says, "How about you? What will you give me for a free drink?"
Jason mulls this over for a moment, and then decapitates the bartender, sets the bar on fire, and walks out.
The next day, newspaper headlines read, "PRIEST, RABBI, SEVERAL OTHERS BURN IN HELL."
what's red and invisible?
no tomatoes
Some kid is playing his drums-
Mom: If you don't quit bangin' on them drums-I'll go CRAZY!
Kid: Too late-I quit an hour ago! :bouncegiggle:
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship steering wheel on his pants...
The bartender asks "Hey, why you gotta steering wheel on your pants?"
And the pirate says.."Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Quote from: RCMerchant on February 12, 2009, 10:19:05 PM
Some kid is playing his drums-
Mom: If you don't quit bangin' on them drums-I'll go CRAZY!
Kid: Too late-I quit an hour ago! :bouncegiggle:
:bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
That's a good 'n
After twenty-five years of stress in an office, Tom bought land in a remote corner of Alaska and retired as far from other people as possible. At first this was great but gradually being alone did get to him.
Six months into retirement, there was a pounding knock at Tom's door. He rushed over and there stood a massive, bushy-bearded stranger dressed in buckskin. "Howdy," said the big man, "the name's Lars, and I live ten miles downriver from you. I'm havin' a party Friday night, and figured I'd stop over to invite you."
"Man, that sounds great!" Tom told Lars. "After half a year up here count me in!"
"All right," Lars agreed, "but I gotta warn you, Alaskan parties are wilder than the ones you might be used to. There's sure to be a powerful lot of hard drinkin'."
"Not a problem," Tom assured him, "I can drink with the best of them."
"Well," Lars added, "after all that drinkin' there's likely to be some fightin' too."
"I can get along with anybody," Tom promised. "I should be OK."
"Fine, but I better warn you of one last thing. There's gonna be lots of wild sex."
"Wow!" Tom exclaimed. "Then I'll be there for sure! What should I wear?"
"Don't much matter," Lars answered as he stomped back toward his pack mule, "it's just gonna be the two of us."
What do you call a two-week old black cat that has white paws - which was born in Cincinnati?
A kitten! :lookingup:
Did you hear about the American tied to a stake ?
He ate it. :wink:
*Yeah, I know steak and stake are different, but then the gag wouldn't work.
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-action-comics-fail.jpg)
It made me laugh
Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
He worked it out with pencil.
What happens if you ask a mummy for change for a quarter, and he gives you two nickels and a dime?? :question:
EGYPT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the testing was done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know you'll follow instructions no matter what. Inside the room you'll find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "You're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes then the man came out with tears in his eyes and said, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then there was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks!" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL:
We women are crazy. Don't mess with us.
Did you hear about the new "Octomom Special" at Denny's? Eight eggs, no sausage, and everyone else pays the bill for you. . .
What did the fish say when he hit the cement wall?
DAMN !
There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. "God will save me!"
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the pilot offered him help.
"No, God will save me!" The man said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For christ sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
Chuck Norris doesn't take aspirin for headaches. He takes lives.
OR
Why doesn't Santa Claus have children?
He only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.
OR
Two muffins are sitting in the over.
One says, "Man, it's getting hot in here."
The other says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Back in the 1950's two old Irish nuns got a break from the convent and decided to take a trip to Boston. As they left Logan Airport, the older nun asked the cab driver what he recommended they do while they were in town.
"Can't go wrong with catching a baseball game," the cabbie said. "It's our national pastime. And while you're down at Fenway Park, be sure ya eat a couple of hot dogs."
Hot dogs??? the nuns thought. They looked at each other and the younger one shrugged.
At the hotel the nuns learned there was a night game at Fenway, so they headed over. Though baseball made little sense to them, they did their best to cheer for the Sox and be good sports about the experience. Along about the bottom of the third inning, a hot dog vendor walked past, so the nuns decided they'll give this exotic dish a try, despite never having heard of it.
"Two hot dogs over here, please," the older nun called out.
"That'll be five bucks," the vendor said, as he handed the nuns their order.
The older nun took hers and looked inside the napkin. She went pale and in a meek voice said, "Sorry, but would it be all right if I had a different part of the dog, please?"