I'll start:
"Roses are red,
Violets are flowers,
You'll be on your own,
for hours and hours"
Roz to Dan Fielding, pointing out he won't have a date for the evening.
Night Court.
"I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine." - Rimmer, Red Dwarf
"Quinn, I know that plently of guys want to go out with you and pleanty of girls want to go out with me and that makes me think we should be together" - Some Bloke, Daria
From "Miami Vice" :
Switek: "Did you roll some queer for that shirt?"
Crockett: "No stan, your mom gave me this shirt.....and it wasn't my birthday."
"God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall."
-Al (Married With Children)
Quote from: Me on May 21, 2009, 12:30:23 PM
"God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall."
-Al (Married With Children)
Every Al Bundy quote is gold. :thumbup:
"One o'- I say, one o' these things has got to be a chicken!" - The Chicken Hawk
:teddyr: "Imagine that! Somebody put an ad in the paper just to reach me!" - ... :question: "I wonder why they couldn't have just called." - Peter Tork, The Monkees
"He's (the younger brother) been in the bathroom for three hours now, which means he's either really, really GOOD at it, or really, really BAD at it"
Darlene, from the TV show 'Roseanne'
"We're gonna have a child? Wait, we've only kissed. I know I was a good kisser, but wow." Cory, in Boy Meets World
"Duckies Rule!" Eric, Boy Meets World
"Hmm, double d's. Just like your grades." Mr. Feeny, Boy Meets World
"No I don't think it's funny. I think it's the opposite of funny. I think it's wood." Cory, Boy Meets World.
"Life's tough, get a helmet." Eric, Boy Meets World
There's like, a hundred more stupid lines I love from this show.
Lou: You know what? You've got spunk.
Mary: Well, yes...
Lou: I HATE spunk!
From, The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Homer: Son, menopause is when the stork gets shot by a drunken hunter.
Homer: Honey, you don't strike. You go into work every day and do a half-assed job. That's the American way!
Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
From, The Simspons
I could keep it up with more quotes from the show, but there are too many to count, not enough time to show them all, and not enough room to fit them all as well.
"Scientists say if pigs had thumbs and a language, they could be trained to do simple manual labor. They give you 20-30 years of loyal service and then at the retirement dinner you can eat them."
- Cliff Clavin
"The last thing left to do is hang yourself with your underwear."
-Random Show Quote
From Family Guy: Brain is poinitng a gun at Mayor Adam West.
West: I should warn you. I have a tiny bullet proof sheild hidden somewhere on my body. If you shoot and hit it, all be unharmed. You'll be the laughing stock of me
(Singing) "I'm in love, I'm in love with attila-the hun, attila the hun-attila the hun!
Though he'll pillage, a village, and kill everyone-I still love, attila-the huuuuun!"
Buddy Sorrel / The Dick Van Dyke show.
"I wonder what's on TV in Hell." - Family Guy
"I understand everything perfectly! Ginger isn't Ginger anymore, because Mary Ann isn't who she was when Ginger wasn't who she is! Isn't that right Skipper?"
- Lovey Howell
"Goes 'Ding' when there's stuff"
The Doctor
She called me a creature!"
(http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l79/RCMerchant/untitled-2270.jpg)
Ernest T. Bass-Andy Griffith Show.
This speech by Joe Friday on DRAGNET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Twre6ItGEI
:buggedout: Wow.
"Here it is Christmas Eve, and I'm gonna get shot dead in a moose suit!"
Renko - from Hill Street Blues
"You big dummy!"
Sanford & Son
"Say what you see"
Catchphrase
From "Only Fools & Horses":
Uncle Albert: "Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?"
Rodney: "No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!"
Rodney: "Oi, Del, why'd they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun or something?"
Del Boy: "Na, it's coz he looks like an horse."
"I dub thee... Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass!"
Captain Murphy, Sealab 2021
Three from THE YOUNG ONES and one from THE GOLDEN GIRLS (since it's on TV nonstop lately).
One from THE YOUNG ONES from memory:
Neil the hippie: (While paranoid about the beans) "What DO YOU KNOW about THE BEANS?"
(Has to be seen to be fully appreciated.)
And one I found online but remember well: "It's the old trick eh? EAT THE TELLY!"
If you've never seen the YOUNG ONES this clip with the above quote is a pretty good introduction to this insane show (COMPLETE WITH SOME TYPICAL PUPPETRY) from the BBC with Rick Mayall that MTV actually played reruns of in the mid to late 80s late at night (best thing they ever did). The use of puppets on the show totally reminds me of Peter Jackson's MEET THE FEEBLES.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4xOauCPDBs
And since I actually found another memorable quote online, Neil's lines while picking up a hot pot of lentle stew is another great one:
Neil: (Picking up hot lentle stew pot): "OH WOW! This is really amazingly hot! I better get it to the table quickly. Oh, no room at all eh? HEAVY!" There's a little more. Very funny scene. You can jump right to that spot just after 1:40 (but you'd be missing the opening sequence).
Also includes: "Guys, there's some dinner on the floor if you want it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_8-S_8lDWo
And just about the best one I can remember from THE GOLDEN GIRLS:
Blanche: "I don't have any secrets from you. My life is an open book."
Sophia: "Your life is an OPEN BLOUSE!"
Homer: Ah dinner, the perfect break between work and drunk.
From The Simpsons
Like in films, the best lines (IMHO) on TV are when someone utters a sneer or offers up a putdown.
Here are some of my favorites. The best that I can remember.
Captain Kirk (William Shatner) to Mr. Baris (William Schallert) on "Star Trek."
"I regard the project as extremely important Mr. Baris. It's you that I regard ligjhtly."
Dan Akyrod to Jane Curtin on "Saturday Night Live"
"Jane you ignorant slut."
The Doctor (Colin Baker) to Mestor (Edwin Richfield) on "Doctor Who"
"In my time, I have been threatened by experts. And I don't rate you highly at all."
Phillipa Lavon (Amanda Bloom) to Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) on "Star Trek: the Next Generation"
"Then I shall rule summarily based upon my findings. Data is a toaster."
Ethan McCord (Lee Horsley) and Lenora (K. T. Oslin) on "Paradise."
"Do you think killing him, will bring your boy back?"--"No, but it is going to make me feel alot better."
Hercule Poirot (David Suchet) to Captain Hastings (Hugh Fraser) on "Mystery"
"Please don't fraternize with that creature. I'm still training him."--"It's only a parrot!"--"I was talking to the parrot."
Deanna Troi (Marina Siritis) to Commander Toreth (Carolyn Seymour) on "Star Trek: the Next Generation"
"Your corwardice does not benefit a Romulan soldier."
Ioalus (Michael Hurst) to Zylus (Ryan Gosling) on "Hercules: the Legendy Journeys"
Sometimes you learn more by watching an idiot, then you can by listening to a genius."
Harry (Robert Duncan McNeill) to Alpha Hirogen (Tony Todd) on "Star Trek: Voyager"
"I once tracked a mouse through Jefferies tube 32."
Dax (Terry Farrell) to Dr. Bashir (Alex Siddig) "Star Trek: Deep Space 9."
"Fly up to the window and knock."
And anytime Garak (Andrew Robinson) shot anyone, or was about to shoot anyone, he got off a pretty good line on "Star Trek: Deep Space 9."
"Nobody knows about that door. That's our secret door." - The X Files.
Dr Weird from ATHF: Getlemen, BEHOLD! (I use this one a lot)
"I woke up this morning
In Aberdeen
I cranked up my Vauxhall
It's a mean machine
I'm going South now
Down to Edinburgh town
I've got five guineas in my pocket
And I hope some lassie don't let me down"
- Dave Thomas, as Angus Crock, sings the blues on SCTV
"People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." --Scrubs
Quote from: RCMerchant on May 30, 2009, 07:20:26 AM
This speech by Joe Friday on DRAGNET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Twre6ItGEI
:buggedout: Wow.
Oo-oo that's classic pine-paneling
JACK WEBB:
"Marijuana is the flame, Heroin is the fuse, LSD is the bomb..." :bouncegiggle: Uhm... yeh. LSD is worst of all. More addictive and destructive than heroin... :lookingup: :bouncegiggle: :twirl: :drink: :buggedout: :hot: Who wrote this drek?
Oscar Madison states emphatically to Felix Unger at the close of an episode of
"The Odd Couple":
"Feh!"
"I'll bet the Eight Ball didn't see that one comin'." - Bart Simpson
"Even I think this is stupid." - Homer Simpson
Neil - I thought we should have some sort of floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot... So I borrowed Rick's byro, & I wrote something, "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying & everything. Still, things could've been worse. You could've been me, & eneded up having a really bad time all the time", signed Niel.
Mike - That's very touching, Niel. - The Young Ones
We have enough food & supplies to last thirty thousand years, but there's only one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it. - Holly, Red Dwarf
Lisa Simpson: (To Homer as he trying putting a stake in the vampire's heart) Umm... dad, that's his crotch.
[TV Show: Psych]
Gus: (as he and Shawn are approaching a house) How should we introduce ourselves? Don't say psychic! They'll shut you off. Say something big like alternative tactic division.
Shawn: How about the bureau of magic and spell casting?
"Bite my shiny metal @$$"-Bender form Futurama
"She died doing what she loved-commiting suicide"
Conan'OBrien on Andy Ricter controls the Universe
"I woke up with a clown's hand, inside my pants. That's what I did today"
Willam Murderface on Metalocalypse
Quote from: WingedSerpent on July 02, 2009, 09:18:14 PM
"I woke up with a clown's hand, inside my pants. That's what I did today"
Willam Murderface on Metalocalypse
I thought that quote was from DarkSider, discussing the time he met Circus.
From NewsRadio: Joe: "I put all emergency numbers on speed dial for the entire phone system. Instead of dialing 9-1-1, you dial Star-5-3"
From The Simpsons
Homer: "Our group needs a name that evokes America's proud history of citizens rising up to defend our way of life."
Cletus: "The Klan?"
Homer: "Well, there are no bad ideas, but let's keep trying."
Cletus: "The Nazis?"
Homer: "Okay, you stop trying."
From School Rumble
Yakumo: Oh well, life goes on.
Tenma: The hell it does!
From Newsradio, Bill explains his love of vending machine sandwiches:
"I'll admit they're not what you would call conventionally tasty. I guess they just remind me of the sandwiches my mom used to make. She used to make a month's worth in advance and put them in a box for me out in the porch. She was quite a woman."
I hate to interrupt, but we have bigger issues at hand. Time is unraveling. The laws of physics are breaking down. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's the kind of thing that's not gonna stop at the city limits, is it?
Henry Deacon "Eureka"
Eric, bad things happen to you because you're a dumbass.
Red Foreman "That 70's Show"
From "The Venture Bros":
Phantom Limb: "What were we supposed to do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television."
King Gorilla: "I only sodomized half of him."
The Monarch: "You know that sick deformed slob, , , you know he was pounding his invisible meat. . "
Doc Venture: "I just found out my nipples work as a team."
From Married With Children:
Bud Bundy - You see, dad, there's just one small problem. When you take a gallon of knowledge, & try & poor it into a shotglass of a brain, it's obvious a little something will need to be sacrificed.
Al Bundy - You see that cockroach over there?
Peggy Bundy - That one?
Al Bundy - No, that one... Well, either of the two...
Al Bundy - You saw the aliens, didn't ya' Buck?
Buck the Dog - Yeah, right. Mad men, they lock up. Mad dogs, they shoot.
Sticky the Clown - You've obviously mistaken me for a clown who gives a damn!
Homer: Oh come on, I bet your husband does stupid stuff all the time!
Nun: (angrily) I'm married to Jesus!
Homer: Yeah, and I'm married to Wonder Woman...
0:45 :teddyr:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzStbDeTNAU
"Love is that special relationship between my dog's butt and the carpet."
-Wonder Showzen
(As two scientists who have too much time on their hands)
Frankie: (as Scientist 1) Shall we have a go at curing cancer?
Frankie: (as Scientist 2) No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastiles it takes to choke a kestral.
-Mock The Week
Kid interviewing Pageant contestant: "Do you drop a deuce before you go out on stage"
Contestant: "Not in this dress I don't"
-Wonder Showzen
"This is the place where my incestors... er...I mean ancestors are buried."
-Roger Collins from Dark Shadows
Grissom (to murderer who refered to the victim as retarded): The definition of the word 'retard' is to hinder or hold back. I'm afraid your life is about to become 'retarded.'
From CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
"We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."
"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!!!"
-Beavis and Butthead
"Right, so let's check into zoos, animal shows, circuses, anywhere an Eastern European with bad teeth could have access to an ape."
Horatio Caine, CSI Miami
"I don't need pants to be foolish!"
- Bob Sagget, America's funniest home videos
Sound is out of sync.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-I5WKLsUvgE&feature=related
"Mickey Mouse has a gay DOG?"
-Jessica Tate, SOAP
"I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife."
-Al Bundy, Married With Children
The Tick - "Aurthur! I've just made an amazing discovery; We're Jewish!"
Aurthur - "No, I'm Jewish. My sister is Jewish. Dinosaur Neil is Jewish. You're blueish."
from the Simpsons:
Lisa:"one of you said nasty things about the other."
Lenny and Carol:" He Did?!" 'punches each other' :teddyr:
Quote from: AndyC on August 05, 2009, 11:02:27 PM
"Right, so let's check into zoos, animal shows, circuses, anywhere an Eastern European with bad teeth could have access to an ape."
Horatio Caine, CSI Miami
Is this before of after he puts his hands on his hips and looks off into the distance...and was it a putting on the sun glasses in a overly dramatic way or taking the sun glasses of in 'this is a important moment' kinda way....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of4Nyv_3FTY&feature=related
The guy is a walking parody !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeeyWvo1rNg&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NCTUwfTq2I
Quote from: InformationGeek on August 01, 2009, 09:06:38 AM
Grissom (to murderer who refered to the victim as retarded): The definition of the word 'retard' is to hinder or hold back. I'm afraid your life is about to become 'retarded.'
From CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
That might actually be the single worst piece of television writing I have ever heard of in my entire life.
Quote from: WilliamWeird1313 on September 08, 2009, 02:16:48 PM
Quote from: InformationGeek on August 01, 2009, 09:06:38 AM
Grissom (to murderer who refered to the victim as retarded): The definition of the word 'retard' is to hinder or hold back. I'm afraid your life is about to become 'retarded.'
From CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
That might actually be the single worst piece of television writing I have ever heard of in my entire life.
You've never seen 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps then.
"They took our JJJOOOOOBBBBBSSSS!!!!!!!!" - some guy on South Park
" Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"- Bullwinkle J. Mouse
" Again?"- Rocky
The adventures Of Rocky and Bullwinkle!
"You're about as sharp as a bag of wet hair"
-Married With Children
"The human race can bite my shiny metal ass!" - Bender
"You can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a books got a spine." Lister
Red Dwarf
"Try the morphine, it's excellent this time of year."
-Butthead
Quote from: ghouck on September 21, 2009, 02:17:27 PM
"Try the morphine, it's excellent this time of year."
-Butthead
"Check it out dude, I'm so smooth, I got a beard on my hands"
-Butthead
Not Reality, Actuality.-TruTV :teddyr:
"IT'S GO TIME!!!"
-Buck Tuddrussel, Time Squad.
Al Bundy: "Steve! Now remember what's important here. You have a beard, and a family to take care of."
-Married With Children
The Doctor: "This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna rescue her! I'm gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I'm gonna save the Earth, and then, just to finish you off, I'm gonna wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!"
Dalek: "But you have no weapons, no defenses, no plan!"
The Doctor: "Yeah, and doesn't that scare you to death?"
Doctor Who - Bad Wolf
'Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30 and we'll get it together.'
-Mr. Lucas
It's from Are You Being Served?, an old British Sitcom from the 70s and 80s.
It's not a game, colon beard!!! -Yonro from Shin Chan
I was more scared then Ed209 on a staircase. -Yonro from Shin Chan
Action Bastard, bastard beaaaaaam hooooo! -Action Bastard from Shin Chan
HEY!, where did that come from? You dont have any pockets! -Dr. Enima from Shin Chan
Tubbs: "Man, it's so hot you could fry an egg on my face."
Crockett: "Hope I never get that hungry."
-Miami Vice
Owwhoooo! I love you the same way dad loves mom on sunday mornings! -Shin from Shin Chan
Why you little!-Homer Simpson
"There's just one more thing..."
-Columbo
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, except that it's 7 a.m., and I've been drinking! -Narrator from Shin Chan
(taking tapes away from Hima) No, no, Hima. Those are tapes that Mommy and Daddy made and we can't afford the therapy you'd need if you ever saw them. -Mitsy from Shin Chan
(prescribing eye drops for Shin) These are made especially for children, so they really sting. -Doctor from Shin Chan
"Why does it say "Welcome to you are 'Doom!'"? What does that even mean, and why, for God's sake, is "Doom!" in quotes? Is this some sort of ironic doom? Is the wink implied?"
- Killface, Frisky Dingo
Action Bastard I neeeeeed you!, Action Bastard I neeeeeed you! -Shin from Shin Chan
Get Smart
Sheik (referring to a stick of dynamite) - "This is a very noisy candle."
"Whats all this? It like Darth Vadar's bathroom."
Michael Knight the first time in KITT
"If you would, please draw a bath for our lovely guest here. And have this place decorpsed."
- Killface, Frisky Dingo
From Azumanga Daioh:
Osaka: I keep sinking!
Tomo: That's called not being unable to swim.
Osaka: I've always wanted to trip on a banana peel and fall on my face!
Tomo: Mr. Kimura, why did you become a teacher?
Kimura: Because I like high school girls, that's why!
"The dumpling is MINE!!"
-Squidbillies. . .
Or:
Pine cones go in here, party liqueurs come out here, and proceed to here (points towards mouth), fights begin, fingerprints are took, days are lost, bail is made, court dates ignored, cycle is repeated.
also Squidbillies.
Super Mario Brothers Super Show -
Mario: Koopas coming! Is everybody ready?
Luigi: Oh no Mario! You forgot your spaghetti!
Robot Chicken -
Freddy Krueger: Fedoras definitely don't go with sweaters honey.
"Seinfeld, Four!" :bouncegiggle:
"I'm going to get a tattoo of a butt with a butt-shaped tattoo on it, and I'm going to get it on my butt!"
Beavis and Butthead.
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
- Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati
"This might not be a psycho-kinetic disturbance at all. It could just be an ordinary refrigerator gone bad."
Egon.
The Real Ghostbusters
"Someone put a hit out on you."
"Is it me or just him?"
From Monk
During Treehouse of Horror XIX
Homer: (To Ghost of Krusty) Wait! Before you kill me, what is the true religion?
Krusty: It is mixture of voodoo and Methodist.
"Oh, Lumic, you're a clever man... I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room."
- Doctor Who, The Age of Steel
"This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity." -KING OF THE HILL
"The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do."
-Married...With Children
Scully -"Whatever happened to 'Trust no One' ?"
Mulder - "Oh, I changd it to 'Trust Everyone', didn't I tell you ?"
"I'm sweating like a rapist"
Benidorm.
"Fishman ! Reporter by day, radioactive trout by night. "
Are you Afraid of the Dark ?
Man to owl! - "Uhhhh, I like to see myself naked.....especially when I crap"
-Hotbox
"What America wants is cold beer, warm p***y and someplace to take a s**t that's got a door on it."
~ Mr. Ford, political analyst, Frisky Dingo
From SUPER CHICKEN was YOU KNEW THE JOB WAS DANGEROUS WHEN YOU TOOK IT,From UNDERDOG, ITS A BIRD ITS A PLANE ITS A FROG,THOSE MEDDLING KIDS AND THAT DOG,MR McGEE DONT MAKE ME ANGRY YOU WOULDNT LIKE ME WHEN IM ANGRY.
"I'm lookin' for love. Got any ?"
Gene Hunt, Ashes to Ashes.
"I Love You Grandpa ...Your Toenails Are The Same Color As My Schoolbus"
-FAMILY GUY
"Alright now get out there and make me some g****n money!"
-SOUTH PARK
"We're gonna smear all of the walls with poo"
-SOUTH PARK
"Hey Look Tom Cruise Is A Fudgepacker!"
-SOUTH PARK
"Hey Kenny Do You Want To Sniff some paint and look at playboys?"
-SOUTH PARK
"I didn't sleep a wink because my pillow smelled like farts"
-FAMILY GUY
"That Does It Simpson You've Been Waving Your Nuts In My Face For Too Long!"
-THE SIMPSONS
"I don't give a damn if you're a machine, Bracewell. Are you a man ?"
Winston Churchill, Doctor Who.
HE,S DEAD JIM from classic STAR TREK,NEVER FEAR SMITH IS HERE from LOST IN SPACE,NA NOO NA NOO from MORK & MINDY,
"Hello, Dave!"
"You're my wife now..."
Pappa Lazarou - The League of Gentlemen
"Never interrupt mummy when she's hydrating"
Doctor Who
"Yo, When do you think people die?
When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No.
When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No.
When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom? No.
It's when... they are forgotten."
From One Piece
"remember Bullrunners, the race for $200,000 isn't going to be easy."
Bill Goldberg- Bullrun