Hey guys, this is a bit rambling and angsty, so if any of that would bug ya, then skip this post. I basically recount something that happened last night and the various thoughts I had about the decisions I made.
So, I'm on my way to work (for the uninitiated, I work overnights at a hotel), when I stopped at a red light. A red car pulled up next to me music blaring away and inside are several young (college age, I hope) girls. We both had our windows down and they were talking and giggling away as young girls are prone to do. I looked over, smiled, and gave a short waving saying, "Hi girls!" Some of them waved back and, as they were driving away, one of them blew me a kiss.
As they drove away, I changed lanes, getting behind their car. I wasn't following them on purpose, I was, at this point, just heading in the same direction. Then they make a left turn and so did I (again same direction). I pulled into a Taco Bell and they went to the Sonic right next to it.
So, now I'm thinking, "Huh, what should I do?" I was seriously debating whether or not I should drive over and try to have a conversation with these ladies, or just keep driving. I guess for most normal guys this would be a no brainer of a decision, but whatever normal is, I think I'm probably far from it.
I know this is going to sound all negative and low self-esteemy (which, admittedly, I have a problem with) but the raw fact is I'm not exactly GQ cover material. Women's gazes do not follow me as I walk by, and, while most guys would take the whole "blowing a kiss" thing as fun flirtation, experience has taught me that often when women do this to me they're usually either just a) being silly or b) being cruel. Again, yes, I've got self-esteem issues, but this is NOT the first time some girl has done something flirtatious when I knew for a fact she didn't give a damn about me. (Cause, you know, it's not like I'm a human being who has feelings or anything.)
Plus, I don't know, I was wondering if maybe me going over there might come off a little stalkerish.. .you know, "Hey, I saw you on the road and thought I'd stop and talk to you..." I'm told I can be quite intimidating to some with my height and all, even when I don't mean to be. Honest to God, if I had glanced over, said, "Hi", they had said, "Hi" back and that was it, I wouldn't even be thinking of this, I'd have just gone about way, but, I got a KISS blown to me, that's gotta mean something, right?
(Important lesson ladies, be careful who blow kisses to.)
In the end, I thought it over a bit, and decided that I should probably just go ahead and go to work. I didn't have to be in technically for another ten minutes or so, but I usually show up early anyway so they can give me shift notes and whatnot. Though not sure if I made the right choice...
I don't know... someone once told me people seldom make any kind of lasting connection with a person they might in a... not sure how to put this... "one time" encounter. Like you know, bump into someone at the supermarket, chatting in line, working out at the gym, etc. That most people who make lasting friends and relationships are from people they've meet in situations were they have regular contact with the person like work, church, and so forth, so I doubt anything could have from it even if I did go over and make an attempt at conversation.
Anyway, just wanted to ramble a bit, and see what maybe some of you think.
I'd say you made the right choice. I know its an especially difficult thought to have bouncing around your head when self esteem is low, or if you're feeling lonely, but it's usually best to save it as a nice memory you can look back on and move on: I doubt they certainly expected it to go any further; I've done all sorts of silly things whilst driving around in a car in my youth and I never expected anything to go any further, just being in a good mood sometimes you gotta share the love right?
I used to be incredibly shy and what-have-you but eventually if you put enough faith in yourself, relax a little, and put yourself in enough social situations you get used to reading these sort of cues. I certainly have come a long way [clueless dolt that I was] and I definitely don't know all yet, but it gets easier eventually. :thumbup: :smile:
This story is from 1984, soon after my friends and I reached legal drinking age (which was 20 back then).
We had just purchased a case of beer at a local liquor store and were driving around drinking it (yeah . . . in the 80s drinking and driving wasn't as much of a big deal as it is now . . . most of the time if you got caught the police just made you pour out your beers). Anyway, we stopped at a red light and a car full of girls pulled up beside us. They were all saying, "Let us have some beer," and "Aren't you gonna share?" and stuff like that. We just smiled and kept drinking and teasing them. Then the light turned green and we drove away. After a couple of minutes, my buddy said, "We just blew it, didn't we." And we all got silent and somber thinking about what might have happened if we had shared our beers . . .
Honestly you probably shoulda gone over there and talk to them. I'm not going to rag on you for leaving ( I probably woulda done the same thing) but wouldn't have hurt to try and talk to them, the worst thing they could do is call you lame and drive away, so what we all have been rejected before. The way to think of situations like this is to get in the mode that you want to annoy someone and no matter what happens as long as you go over and do that part then you have succeeded. To hell if they laugh at you and make fun of you, women like that deserve to be annoyed by nerdy guys like us and some times those girls take the bate and next thing you know you have a cute blonde coed on your arm. Believe me it happens.
If you didn't feel comfortable going over to talk to them, then you did the right thing by not doing that.
You did the right thing. Kids at that age are still pretty cruel, and were probably just screwing with you mentally. Not trying to shoot you down by any means, that's just my experience talking.
Quote from: BTM on July 28, 2010, 01:55:28 AMI was wondering if maybe me going over there might come off a little stalkerish.. .you know, "Hey, I saw you on the road and thought I'd stop and talk to you..." I'm told I can be quite intimidating to some with my height and all, even when I don't mean to be.
Coming from a female perspective: yes, there's a very real chance it might have come off 'stalkerish'. Especially if you had 'followed' them to where they stopped. Would have scared
me.
QuoteHonest to God, if I had glanced over, said, "Hi", they had said, "Hi" back and that was it, I wouldn't even be thinking of this, I'd have just gone about why, but, I got a KISS blown to me, that's gotta mean something, right?
(Important lesson ladies, be careful who blow kisses to.)
Good point. We (all of us - male and female) tend to forget that our actions may be received as being different than what we intended. And this sort of 'toss off' action is often offered up
without any
thought or intent or meaning or cause other than joyful exuberance. Being 'daring' by blowing a kiss at 'some guy' anonymously. It was almost certainly not aimed at you
personally BTM - how could it be? It was quite likely a more 'generic' action. People feel 'safe' in their cars - cars as an environment function as an extension of our homes - and people often do things they would not have done if they had been, say, standing next to you in a line at the grocery store.
Now, if she had blown the kiss and made a point of maintaining eye contact or catching your eye afterward, or obviously looked for you again...that
might be different. Maybe. :wink:
(As for some of the other responses: it seems sad to me that some of you are so quick to conclude the girl(s)
meant to be mean or cruel. That also is taking it far too personally and reading far too much into it IMO.)
(Keep in mind, I've not read ANY of the responses yet.)
You know, the more I've been thinking about it, I think I made a mistake that night. I should have gone over there and at least tried to talk for a bit. I had some time, it would have been a short conversation, but hey, it would have been something. Granted the girl might have just been mocking me, but maybe not. I keep forgetting the old adage how one should usually ASSUME the most positive belief until the evidence says otherwise. Like you know, when you say, "Hi." To someone and they don't reply, but you're not 100 percent sure they heard you, so you should just assume they didn't until you learn that yes, indeed, they were just ignoring you.
It's just hard to do that sometimes, with all the past negative experiences and all, but it's one of many things I'm working on.
So, yeah, could have been a short awkward moment, in which I'd quickly learn, "Oh, gosh, they're not really wanting to talk to me..." in which case, I'd walk off, probably feel a bit bummed, but you know, at least I tried. Or maybe it would have been a short, nice conversation, ending with me smiling, wishing the girls a good night, and leaving feeling good that I took a chance. Or hell, miracle of miracles, maybe I would gotten a phone number or an email of out the deal (I think that one might be a bit too optimistic, but hey...)
I don't know, but again, I think I should have tried anyway. Ah, live and learn I guess! :)
Quote from: The Burgomaster on July 28, 2010, 05:52:15 AM
This story is from 1984, soon after my friends and I reached legal drinking age (which was 20 back then).
We had just purchased a case of beer at a local liquor store and were driving around drinking it (yeah . . . in the 80s drinking and driving wasn't as much of a big deal as it is now . . . most of the time if you got caught the police just made you pour out your beers). Anyway, we stopped at a red light and a car full of girls pulled up beside us. They were all saying, "Let us have some beer," and "Aren't you gonna share?" and stuff like that. We just smiled and kept drinking and teasing them. Then the light turned green and we drove away. After a couple of minutes, my buddy said, "We just blew it, didn't we." And we all got silent and somber thinking about what might have happened if we had shared our beers . . .
Hmm.. well, in that case though, you had something to bargain with. I mean, you could have been like, "Well, what will you give us if we give ya beers?" Then after some back and forths, you could have offered to "sit down somewhere and talk about it."
Yeah, that's a bit shallow, but no more than girls asking total strangers for free drinks.
Quote from: BTM on July 28, 2010, 10:54:52 AM
(Keep in mind, I've not read ANY of the responses yet.)
You know, the more I've been thinking about it, I think I made a mistake that night. I should have gone over there and at least tried to talk for a bit. I had some time, it would have been a short conversation, but hey, it would have been something. Granted the girl might have just been mocking me, but maybe not. I keep forgetting the old adage how one should usually ASSUME the most positive belief until the evidence says otherwise. Like you know, when you say, "Hi." To someone and they don't reply, but you're not 100 percent sure they heard you, so you should just assume they didn't until you learn that yes, indeed, they were just ignoring you.
It's just hard to do that sometimes, with all the past negative experiences and all, but it's one of many things I'm working on.
So, yeah, could have been a short awkward, in which I'd quickly, "Oh, gosh, they're not really wanting to me..." in which case, I'd walk off, probably feel a bit bummed, but you know, at least I tried. Or maybe it would have been a short, nice conversation, ending with me smiling, wishing the girls a good night, and leaving feeling good that I took a chance. Or hell, miracle of miracles, maybe I would gotten a phone number or an email of out the deal (I think that one might be a bit too optimistic, but hey...)
I don't know, but again, I think I should have tried anyway. Ah, live and learn I guess! :)
I don't think it matters much, BTM. The chances that you would have met the love of your life, or even an enjoyable short fling, from that sort of random encounter are pretty darn low. Probably the only thing you missed out on was a mildly interesting anecdote. There are better ways to meet women.
Most women see confidence as one of the number one traits in a potential partner.
Going over there and talking to them could have led to two different outcomes...
1.) They thought you were a stalker type and it creeped them out.
2.) They admired your confidence and maybe you could get a phone number out of the encounter.
You have to have confidence when approaching women. They can sense a lack of self confidence a mile away.
Rejection is always a possibility but you'll have to learn on your own how to deal with it. I wouldn't take rejection personally. Believe me, I've been shot down many times.
But who knows? Maybe that one women you think you don't have a shot with will actually like you.
Askmen.com has a ton of really good articles that may help you.
Here's a couple...
http://www.askmen.com/money/keywords/confidence.html
http://www.askmen.com/grooming/project/top-10-ways-to-show-confidence-with-body-language.html
Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 28, 2010, 11:48:29 AM
I don't think it matters much, BTM. The chances that you would have met the love of your life, or even an enjoyable short fling, from that sort of random encounter are pretty darn low. Probably the only thing you missed out on was a mildly interesting anecdote. There are better ways to meet women.
On the other hand, ya just never know. After all, I met my wife when she opened a door for me while I was carrying an armload of stuff into an office area. A little different, I know, but, well, chance encounters ARE fun and memorable.
I think the "trick," if there is one, is to not become invested in the encounter (phone numbers, emails, love-of-your life, etc, or even ANYTHING), and just view as living in the moment. If you don't "want" anything out of it, you won't be disappointed. If you are not "fearing" disappointment, you are more relaxed and give off more positive "vibes" and body language.
I do agree, however, that the chances are VERY high that had you gone over there, they would have either (a) dismissed you out of hand, (b) laughed at you, (c) been a bit scared that you 'showed up,' etc. But again, that's outcome based decision making, which is nearly ALWAYS doomed to failure or at least paralysis.
Life's too short to worry so much and second guess yourself (you cannot change the past, etc), but I do all that too. Anyway, I'll leave you with one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes:
Quote
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 28, 2010, 11:48:29 AM
I don't think it matters much, BTM. The chances that you would have met the love of your life, or even an enjoyable short fling, from that sort of random encounter are pretty darn low. Probably the only thing you missed out on was a mildly interesting anecdote. There are better ways to meet women.
Yeah, I know, but my options are bit a limited in that department right now. Working nights, it's hard to establish anything resembling a social life, plus in this area if you're not into bars and/or church going, there's not a heck of a lot to do around here. :bluesad:
Quote from: Ash on July 28, 2010, 11:56:19 AM
Most women see confidence as one of the number one traits in a potential partner.
I know, but that's the paradox, how does one GET confidence when you've been constantly kicked to the side (metaphorically) most of your live? Like someone else said confidence is one of those things you need the most when it's going to be in short supply.
Quote from: BTM on July 28, 2010, 05:51:47 PM
Quote from: Ash on July 28, 2010, 11:56:19 AM
Most women see confidence as one of the number one traits in a potential partner.
I know, but that's the paradox, how does one GET confidence when you've been constantly kicked to the side (metaphorically) most of your live? Like someone else said confidence is one of those things you need the most when it's going to be in short supply.
If you can't appear confident, you might try acting like a jerk. Women often mistake this for confidence.
Yeah I think going over there would have likely made you seem "stalkerish"...even if you didn't at all intend that.
Believe in yourself first of all. Get yourself in order. I think the most attractive thing to women is men who are confident and comfortable with who they are, men who aren't afraid of rejection, who aren't afraid to laugh at a woman even if she's all out attractive, guys who won't suck up but truly well don't even seem to need a woman...or at least it might well appear that way...
I don't know if I would have went over Mike. Usually girls like that are just being silly and are probably thinking "I'll never see him again". After all, they're in a car making gestures to you so it wasn't an easy getting to know you situation.
I used to suffer at times what you are going through. I've honestly become relaxed around women since getting married. This is simply because what they hell do I have to lose if I get the snubbed from some girl I strike up a conversation with. I can tell her to "go screw" and have a good laugh. Either that or I can make a new friend.
I guess what I'm getting at is this; don't be on the lookout for Mrs. Right all the time. Also, don't be afraid of being snubbed but in the right situation. In a lifetime of crap people throw your way, what's one more piece to step over? Talk to women, be confident but avoid being annoying and...for lack of a better term...creepy. Being subtle often goes a long way. Keep in mind there is a fine line between being playfully flirtatious and being an all out annoying douchebag. Then again, a lot of douchebags get attention. The bimbos who fall for this aren't worth wasting time on.
Don't be too hard on yourself! Just take it as a learning experience. Regardless of the outcome, I think it would have been good for you to go over and say hello to the ladies. I doubt anything would have come out of it, as girls in packs usually aren't looking for anymore friends, but I think it would have helped you overcome your apprehension. As for coming off "stalkerish", I wouldn't worry about it too much. Stalkers and creeps usually only follow girls that are alone (at least that's my experience). However, no offense, but just from what I know of your admitted inabilities socializing with women, you probably wouldn't have come off as very suave, and the conversation would have been awkward, and you very well would have been teased.. but there's always a chance a girl will find your awkwardness endearing and be more drawn to you (I know I would). On the other hand, most girls are aware of how hesitant men (sober men, that aren't mental or being encouraged by a group of friends) are of confronting them, and they may have been impressed by your boldness.
At least next time you encounter a gaggle of giggly gals, you'll know from this instance that you'll regret NOT talking to them, and will be more likely to approach them and see what happens.. baby steps!
There you go. Paquita's right. What's the harm in responding to an overture? Ulthar also suggests going for it. I used to love it when that would happen in a drive-by encounter. You have nothing to lose, except possibly a bit of self esteem, and let me tell you, with hindsight, that is so-not-important.
Just don't be a creep; rise above and realize nothing is invested but a few moments. Next time, go for it.
Quote from: ulthar on July 28, 2010, 12:11:09 PM
I think the "trick," if there is one, is to not become invested in the encounter (phone numbers, emails, love-of-your life, etc, or even ANYTHING), and just view as living in the moment. If you don't "want" anything out of it, you won't be disappointed. If you are not "fearing" disappointment, you are more relaxed and give off more positive "vibes" and body language.
I very much agree with that above statement. Relaxing and not putting to much on the outcome is some of the best advice I've had. I've found that once I stopped worrying, I loosened up and people started getting more interested in me too, as friends or even more.
Back to the initial encounter, whilst I still think that nothing would have come from it, and I'd personally treat it like a fun moment in time and move on, I also wouldn't tell you to not go and chat if you felt like it: sometimes random encounters can lead to some fun adventures!
Like AHD said: just don't be a creep and you'll be ok! :wink:
I'm waiting for someone to post a topic titled "FILTHY girls in the car next to me . . ."
Quote from: xJaseSFx on July 28, 2010, 07:21:33 PMBelieve in yourself first of all. Get yourself in order. I think the most attractive thing to women is men who are confident and comfortable with who they are, men who aren't afraid of rejection, who aren't afraid to laugh at a woman even if she's all out attractive, guys who won't suck up but truly well don't even seem to need a woman...or at least it might well appear that way...
This is key IMO. Confidence in this context is not being bold in your approach; it is being comfortable with who you are. Too many guys think 'confidence' means getting a bit too agressive. As others have said: don't invest too much in the encounter - no matter what course you pursue. THAT speaks of confidence. :wink:
Quote from: The Burgomaster on July 29, 2010, 06:10:57 AM
I'm waiting for someone to post a topic titled "FILTHY girls in the car next to me . . ."
I got flashed by a girl in another car about 5 years ago. Does that count?
Quote from: indianasmith on July 29, 2010, 08:38:13 AM
Quote from: The Burgomaster on July 29, 2010, 06:10:57 AM
I'm waiting for someone to post a topic titled "FILTHY girls in the car next to me . . ."
I got flashed by a girl in another car about 5 years ago. Does that count?
Now we're getting somewhere!
Hey! this same exact thing sorta happened to me but I was in the passengers seat. I think the girls might go to my school i'm not sure. I couldn't of done anything and I knew they we're just screwing around. oh and I read it as filthy too. :bouncegiggle:
Hard to tell in this situation, we (men) are always finding ourselves here. It actually does get a little easier in some ways after your married to talk with be social with women because there is no longer any expectations.
In this situation I would look at what you encountered, giggly college aged girls are flirting with you almost certainly on dares from eachother. I don't mean to say you aren't worth blowing a kiss at, but just picturing the scene of girls in a car at night likely off to movie/mall/concert/etc. They are the characters in this story ("hey Jenna, I dare you to blow a kiss at that guy over there") you're the "that guy" in this story, nothing but a target of a dare. Also picture, if you went to that car, what would you say? "Thanks for blowing me a kiss? and umm......... hi?" There's nowhere to really start a conversation since you're to them just a "that guy", especially with a group of girls ("Harry Potter" was right on this one, women in packs are hard to approach). In the end I say you did the right thing, just go to work and make money. This is a more productive use of your time.
If your looking for "the one" I would suggest to stick to girls you "know-ish" not necessarily girls you know but those kindof on the periphery of your life. examples: My wife was a friend of my college room-mate, my best friend (a famer with what he would admit are absolutely zero social skills around women) married a woman who worked for a seed company that he regularly bought seed from. There's going to be a woman you see every day, but don't ever really think about and she is the one you should be talking to, not the random giggly girls in a car.