(http://i.imgur.com/4kJll.png)
Bruno Mattei, a name in cinema associated to schlock. Some would say this man is on the same level as Edward D. Wood Jr.; I think that comparing these two is dishonoring Ed Wood. While Eddy craved attention and the life of a director Mattei craved only money. He cashed in on the biggest crazes by making poorly-shot knock-off flicks, much like the despised Asylum Studios.
Tonight I shall endure the mental anguish brought on by one of Mattei's films, RATS - NIGHT OF TERROR! I shall delve into this film with little to no knowledge. Will this film be hilariously poorly-made schlock or a display or idiocy that will plunge me into mental anguish? Tonight, we shall know.
Today, I will be accompanied by a guest. My dear cousin Joshua John Bauer. He was with me for Mac & Me and Pervert! and now he's come to assist with tonight's viewing. Bit him fair welcome, and good luck.
Hmm... looks like the kind of film I like. Good luck to you on this.
Also, I'll get you next time with Standing Ovation. Next time! *Insert Cat Meow here*
IT'S SHOWTIME!
Start - Oh god! Pick a dub! Jesus, my poor ears!
0:47 - You expect me to pay attention with this dubbing?
2:08 - Lucifer? I figured I was in Hell.
Start- Worst. Dub. Ever.
4:00 - Really? Do you need the epic music for the guy taking his gloves off?
4:35- What kind of gun is that?!
5:26 - The patrons probably cleared out when they found out Bruno Mattei was shooting a movie in the bar.
6:13 - Again with the dub! If you're going to dub a movie you can't play both the original audio and the dub at the same time!
7:55 - Aaaaaaaand how long are we holding this shot?
8:22 - Let's hope there isn't a crystal skull inside.
9:33 - That isn't how you- uh guys- uh. Mind your table manners. uh- guys...
9:52 - I GET IT! YOU FOUND FOOD! I'm happy for you! SHUT UP!
Sorry, J.J. can't find much to say. I can't blame him.
12:13 - Put the toy shotgun away, junior.
13:05 - How many times do we have to hear the damn organ?
13:37 - Scaring the s**t out of your clearly armed friend... Smart...
14:22 - Hey, babe. You doin' anything tonight?
14:22 Why the f**k was there a dead body in the closet?!
Technical note - I seem to have downloaded a file that plays two dubs instead of one. The review will continue but most of the dialog will be hard to decipher, and the story will be hard to make out.
Quote from: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:18:07 PM
14:22 Why the f**k was there a dead body in the closet?!
I'd make a coming out of the closet joke, but I'm better than that.
7:11 - Not sure if it's weed or fake grass you'd put in an Easter basket.
20:00 - I think these guys will need some hand sanitizer after this.
20:05- Did they really just lite a pile of dead bodies on fire?
20:30 - We really don't need a pan of the whole group Bruno. I think we need a shot clock.
23:00 - I love how they didn't even get nude for this sex scene.
23:50 - He's just p**sed because he ran out of eye shadow.
24:21 - Not even going to peel that orange? Just bite into it? Okay.
24:36 - The rat just loves to stalk his prey.
25:55 - The sad thing is... It's just V8.
26:56 - Who's the jerk dumping a bucket of rats on his head?
26:55 - It's raining rats!
Quote from: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:30:30 PM
26:55 - It's raining rats!
Hallelujah, it's raining rats!
28:40 - This movie doesn't need any more slow panning, Bruno.
29:27 (Dub issue) - Nobody is talking in the original audio! Why is there dubbing?!
30:34 - What did they do to make this rat look like an albino... Cover it in flower?
31:50 - Judging by the music they're about to fight the first boss!
32:26 - ...Is it okay to make fun of her for being incredibly flat?
32:20 - Did the rat just kill a f**kING! human?!
33:30 - Someone shut up Tonya Harding over there!
34:10 - This is reminding me of John Carpenter's "The Thing". Or rather, how much I'd rather be watching The Thing.
33:58 - OMFG he just set his friend on fire...
35:22 - Yeah, just fire wildly at the sky. I'm SURE you'll hit something!
36:30 - Maybe I missed something due to the dub blocking the dialog but why don't they just... LEAVE?!
35:59 - Gee what will the blonde do running?
A. Run away?
B. Kill a rat?
C. Trip and Fall like in all other horror movies....
If you answered C you are correct lol.
40:15 - Why does Mattei refuse to use other shots? Jeez.
42:00 - Why would you scream for so long at a tarantula that is NOWHERE NEAR YOU?!
42:07 - She just got b***h slapped!
47:27 - It seems that Mr. Ascot over there got to wash his clothes between lighting up a dead body and this scene.
49:17 - Seriously, what's up with the gun designs in this film?
47:00 - Why is she laying in bed getting treated for after she got trampled mice?!
Quote from: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:53:02 PM
49:17 - Seriously, what's up with the gun designs in this film?
Bungie helped make this film..
53:00 - Oh good job swinging your torch dumbass.. Have no light for the rest a the movie.
53:40 - Does that girl do anything other than scream?
56:08 - FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP PLAYING THAT SONG OVER AND OVER! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE!
56:09 - There we go with the boss music again!!
57:50 - IS that a rat umm.. pole.. dancing?
1:00:00 - GOD! Nothing ever happens! It's just creepy music and slow walking! DO SOMETHING!
Why are the rats wet in every scene?
1:02:45 - No wonder there are so many rats after them! Look at the black chick's hair! IT'S A f**kING RAT'S NEST!
1:04:27 - Why does that gun have five barrels? What are the other barrels for?
1:05:20 - Did you see that?! He had smoke or steam or something shooting out of his back!
1:05:20 - What the f**k did the rats do to get inside of the guys body?
1:07:20 - And THAT children is why you THROW a grenade. That guy throws like a b***h.
1:10:30 - Why would you commit suicide when there's at least a CHANCE you can get out of this alive?
1:14:55 - Why would you bother moving her corpse? And why did she scream at the body of a girl who they knew was already dead?
1:17:50 - How long do we have to listen to this thing talk?
1:20:25 - Oh god! They're in Silent Hill! Quick! Put a fish bowl on your head!
1:22:30 - I don't care how many rats there are. THAT IS A STEEL DOOR!
1:22:25 - A leaf blower?
1:27:33 - (http://theyellowkid.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/what-a-twist.jpg)
1:27:33 - The people in the haz-mat suit were.... GIANT RAT MEN!!!
Thanks guys for actually requesting real schlock instead of intentional garbage. While the film became monotonous, J.J. and I had a lot of fun riffing it. I'll restart the last poll but with "Rats - Night of Terror" removed. Thanks guys!