Badmovies.org Forum

My OCD always makes me feel weird about reviewing a movie I didn't like in the "Recent Viewings" thread in the "Good Movies" section, so let's try this out and see how it goes...

BLADE TRINITY (2004):
Second (partial) viewing of something Madame 10rda started watching on her own, got about 4/5ths of the way through, then tapped out on before the end. I won't attempt a score for this one as I didn't endure the whole thing either... but I remember lukewarm feelings about this one from my initial viewing (at least it wasn't as bad as the first BLADE!)  and revisiting (some of) it now, I find it both better and worse than I remembered. For one thing, I remembered this primarily as a Ryan Reynolds movie (and it is) but had somehow forgotten the other selling points of the ensemble.

From a 2023 perspective, I might ask: If one was making a movie where Ryan Reynolds, Patton Oswalt, and Natasha Lyonne are vampire hunters facing off against an outrageously camp Parker Posey....... what else really would you need? In no reality would the answer be "Wesley Snipes sleepwalking through a nominally central role", but such is the logic behind BLADE: TRINITY.......  to be accurate, Oswalt and Lyonne get precious little to do and Reynolds is really just doing all the same shtick he always does (though it was still relatively novel 19 years ago). But for the record, Posey is entirely magnificent, particularly in the scene where she tortures Reynolds and belittles his manhood. Although Count Dracula is technically the Big Bad, he's about as non-essential as Snipes - his lieutenant baddy Posey is the main attraction.

It's unfortunate that Blade was always the weakest link in the BLADE trilogy... Snipes never seemed interested in the role, even before he was fending off new co-star Reynolds for the spotlight. Even here he never breaks a sweat or changes his expression, spitting out one tired cliche after another. At one point in TRINITY, he glances at an actual issue of the 70s comic classic "Tomb Of Dracula" (where Blade originated) and then tosses it aside w/ disinterest... which is entirely reflective of the attitude of the trilogy's producers and writers about its source material.  :bluesad: On the page, Blade was never an emotionless Terminatoralike... he was quite explicitly a groovy (sometimes laconic) yet very human hero ala John Shaft. He hated vampires, but he also cared about his friends and colleagues, and (natch) loved the ladies. The movies missed a great bet in the 90s by enlisting an Andre Braugher instead of the too-cool-for-school Snipes, and I've long feared that any forthcoming Mahershala Ali reboot will just be Wesley Snipes 2.0.  :hatred:    DANIEL KALUUYA OR BUST!!!

Honestly, the first BLADE was a pretty cool movie, and Snipes did a good job portraying the character, but mostly because the film was quite grim and gothic. The sequels landed on cheesy territory, so his serious acting became a detriment. Wesley Snipes cared so little about the third part that in a particular scene he refused to open his eyes as he was supposed to, and they had to do it with CGI. Really bad CGI.

https://youtu.be/Zd5HMHmbwBg?feature=shared

couple of days ago I turned off 3 movies in a row. they went in the player, and got ejected with malice.

LETHAL JUSTICE (1995)
murky uninvolving amateurish no budget-sploitation trash

MY LITTLE EYE (2007)
awful attempt at trendy reality tv based slasher. soul sappingly pathetic

SECOND IN COMMAND (2006)
Totally anonymous. Jean Claude Van Bland. bleh.


Love movies, me!

Personal mileage may always vary of course, and I'm glad someone likes the first BLADE.  :smile: I was in LA doing P.A. or rather peon work about a year or so ahead of the first one's release, and a copy of the screenplay crossed my path....... read it and, while I can't claim it's great literature, there were strong enough bones that I could imagine how it would play w/ a good director and great actors. Stephen Norrington, alas, is not a particularly good director. I've said my peace about Snipes, so I'll just add that, in the screenplay, Whistler is a killer role. Kris Kristofferson....... not even an actor, in my book, let alone a great one. And in "Tomb of Dracula", Deacon Frost is a terrifying ancient creep ala Christopher Walken. Whoever glanced at the dramatis personae and said, "Hmm... Stephen Dorff!" needed an immediate one-way ticket out of the casting business.

It does have Traci Lords and Donal Logue in bit roles, so that's something. I tell you, if you took every good supporting actor from all 3 BLADE movies and cast them in one movie w/o Wesley Snipes....... you'd have a pretty well-acted movie!

Quote from: zombie no.one on November 24, 2023, 11:53:35 AM
MY LITTLE EYE (2007)
awful attempt at trendy reality tv based slasher. soul sappingly pathetic

I believe it was released in 2002. Reminds me of my time at another horror forum. Everybody was drooling over My Little Eye, like it was the horror discovery of the century.
I didn't hate it, but it wasn't a huge fave either. Loved the snow setting though.

If anything, it was at least better than Halloween: Resurrection (2002) which had the same reality show concept.

Quote from: claws on November 24, 2023, 02:55:30 PM

Quote from: zombie no.one on November 24, 2023, 11:53:35 AM
MY LITTLE EYE (2007)
awful attempt at trendy reality tv based slasher. soul sappingly pathetic

I believe it was released in 2002. Reminds me of my time at another horror forum. Everybody was drooling over My Little Eye, like it was the horror discovery of the century.
I didn't hate it, but it wasn't a huge fave either. Loved the snow setting though.

If anything, it was at least better than Halloween: Resurrection (2002) which had the same reality show concept.

I spent too much money on a European DVD of MY LITTLE EYE because of all the '02/'03-era buzz, years before it was released here. (Maybe it was released in States in '07...) I dunno what I paid, but if it was more than $5 (it probably was), I paid too much. I didn't hate it either but its quality is definitely of an "Included with Prime" level.......

Quote from: claws on November 24, 2023, 02:55:30 PM

Quote from: zombie no.one on November 24, 2023, 11:53:35 AM
MY LITTLE EYE (2007)
awful attempt at trendy reality tv based slasher. soul sappingly pathetic

I believe it was released in 2002. Reminds me of my time at another horror forum. Everybody was drooling over My Little Eye, like it was the horror discovery of the century.
I didn't hate it, but it wasn't a huge fave either. Loved the snow setting though.

If anything, it was at least better than Halloween: Resurrection (2002) which had the same reality show concept.

oops sorry yeah got the year wrong. don't ask me why but  I have actually come to quite like RESURRECTION (after initially hating it) - but it has no business being part of the HALLOWEEN franchise.

Quote from: M.10rda on November 24, 2023, 04:07:30 PM
(Maybe it was released in States in '07...)

According to IMDb it played UK theaters in 2002, and 2004 in the U.S.

I bought the UK DVD, most likely in 2003. It was distributed by Universal and StudioCanal. They sure had big Studio names attached on that one  :buggedout:

Monster Grizzly (2023) - This movie definitely sucked, but it did sort of cheer me up. You know you're in for a treat when the production company is called "Poverty Row Film Co".

People in rural Iowa deal with a huge bear on the loose, a monster grizzly in fact. The dialogue is really painful, but the cast is sort of likeable and the story actually has a decent amount of build up.

Some highlights

-When the bear starts closing in on it's prey, the director adds some effect that makes it seem like your TV is broken or something is wrong with the feed.

-The "chemistry" between the scientist and police chief is awkward and forced enough to make the likes of Plug Love (don't ask) seem smooth and believable in comparison.

-plenty of both CGI and real snow but not much bear.

I enjoyed this more than Die Die My Darling but I feel embarrassed by that because that one had real actors/ writer and this had maybe one actual actor and dialogue so cringe it should have gotten an X rating. The relatively hot Native American chick is without question the actual highlight here.


2.5 /5  I watched it to participate in this thread. highly recommended!

Quote from: lester1/2jr on November 26, 2023, 04:46:38 AM
Monster Grizzly (2023)
2.5 /5  I watched it to participate in this thread. highly recommended!

LOL we appreciate it!

I watched 2 pretty bad movies last night but as I watched 'em on a big screen I guess I'm gonna' go post in the GOOD MOVIES > THEATRICAL thread... counterintuitively!

Magic Magic (2013)

(https://i.imgur.com/MoJcRqhl.jpg)

A group of young adults explore Chile, but one of them slowly descents into... madness, I think? Technically, this isn't a bad movie, at first glance. Once you reach the ending, you'll go, 'oh, boy!'. Great location, and great cast including Juno Temple, Emily Browning and Michael Cera. But yeah, the ending ruins the movie, in my opinion.

1.5/5

update: this image does not appear in the movie Monster Grizzly at all.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F_66pQzWgAAozzg?format=png&name=small)

THE LAST CHASE (1981):
"In the future", a vague unspecified pandemic has drastically reduced the population of western civilization and yet even still (somewhat counterintuitively) the U.S. has decided to introduce and enforce draconian restrictions on the operation of motor vehicles - not for any particular ecological consideration but instead (it seems) merely for the perceived aesthetics of "tranquility". I swear to God I don't usually go out of my way to watch films w/ heavy political subtext and maybe it says something about me that I can find a lot of it even in BLUE BEETLE and IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE, but in this case, I ain't dreamin'....... THE LAST CHASE would be tailor-made for today's climate change denier or anyone panicking over the concept of "15-minute cities", if it hadn't been made 42 years ago by some Canadians who maybe (at best) had the late 70s gas crisis on their minds or maybe just had watched VANISHING POINT too many times. Mostly it's just an excuse for Fall Guy Lee Majors to drive fast and look constipated.

Majors plays "Franklyn Hart", former race car driver. All he wants to do is DRIVE, dammit, and The Man just won't let him! What's a righteous American guy to do but abduct an underage boy and transport him across multiple state lines in an outlawed souped-up porsche in the name of Freedom??? Of course the federal government can't allow this, so three sourpuss deep state operatives (a mean old man, an icy dragon lady, and a balding spineless cuck, naturally) in a Star Chamber-like conference room enlist Vietnam-era fighter pilot Burgess Meredith to stop Majors from reaching the free state of California........ because of course only a jet pilot can catch a race car driver. What the federales haven't counted on is that Meredith JUST WANTS TO FLY dammit, almost as much as Majors JUST WANTS TO DRIVE dammit! You can probably guess the melodramatic twist ending already.

Meredith is good as usual, and Chris Makepeace (later of VAMP and MY BODYGUARD) shows early promise as the willing Robin to Majors' Batman. I'll never bother watching enough of the Lee Majors filmography to substantiate this, but I'd imagine this might be Majors' most understated and serious performance. In spite of how serious Majors is and how straight-faced the film's tone is, THE LAST CHASE alternates between ludicrously amusing and stultifying in its dullness. Rarely has high-speed travel been this sleep-inducing! THE LAST CHASE would've certainly benefitted from a better sense for its own absurdity, and from more lines like the film's fade-out punchline, where mean old President Mr. Burns scowls that Majors' hijinks will set the country "back to the 1980s!".

2/5
Inevitably to be remade starring Kevin Sorbo, Ben Stein as the fighter pilot, and the kid from "Two And A Half Men"? They'll have to change it so Sorbo is driving to the free state of Florida, of course.

Quote from: M.10rda on December 03, 2023, 11:40:55 AM
THE LAST CHASE (1981):
"In the future", a vague unspecified pandemic has drastically reduced the population of western civilization and yet even still (somewhat counterintuitively) the U.S. has decided to introduce and enforce draconian restrictions on the operation of motor vehicles - not for any particular ecological consideration but instead (it seems) merely for the perceived aesthetics of "tranquility". I swear to God I don't usually go out of my way to watch films w/ heavy political subtext and maybe it says something about me that I can find a lot of it even in BLUE BEETLE and IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE, but in this case, I ain't dreamin'....... THE LAST CHASE would be tailor-made for today's climate change denier or anyone panicking over the concept of "15-minute cities", if it hadn't been made 42 years ago by some Canadians who maybe (at best) had the late 70s gas crisis on their minds or maybe just had watched VANISHING POINT too many times. Mostly it's just an excuse for Fall Guy Lee Majors to drive fast and look constipated.

Majors plays "Franklyn Hart", former race car driver. All he wants to do is DRIVE, dammit, and The Man just won't let him! What's a righteous American guy to do but abduct an underage boy and transport him across multiple state lines in an outlawed souped-up porsche in the name of Freedom??? Of course the federal government can't allow this, so three sourpuss deep state operatives (a mean old man, an icy dragon lady, and a balding spineless cuck, naturally) in a Star Chamber-like conference room enlist Vietnam-era fighter pilot Burgess Meredith to stop Majors from reaching the free state of California........ because of course only a jet pilot can catch a race car driver. What the federales haven't counted on is that Meredith JUST WANTS TO FLY dammit, almost as much as Majors JUST WANTS TO DRIVE dammit! You can probably guess the melodramatic twist ending already.

Meredith is good as usual, and Chris Makepeace (later of VAMP and MY BODYGUARD) shows early promise as the willing Robin to Majors' Batman. I'll never bother watching enough of the Lee Majors filmography to substantiate this, but I'd imagine this might be Majors' most understated and serious performance. In spite of how serious Majors is and how straight-faced the film's tone is, THE LAST CHASE alternates between ludicrously amusing and stultifying in its dullness. Rarely has high-speed travel been this sleep-inducing! THE LAST CHASE would've certainly benefitted from a better sense for its own absurdity, and from more lines like the film's fade-out punchline, where mean old President Mr. Burns scowls that Majors' hijinks will set the country "back to the 1980s!".

2/5
Inevitably to be remade starring Kevin Sorbo, Ben Stein as the fighter pilot, and the kid from "Two And A Half Men"? They'll have to change it so Sorbo is driving to the free state of Florida, of course.

I've been trying to remember the name of this film for years!   Thank you.

LOL! I saved you a trip to "What Was That Film?"  :thumbup:

Finally got around to throwing together a haphazard list, not necessarily in any order.....

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyXYmfdRkTcOXDrjrvitSrj0-2_tZjOXN&si=D6F8RMD_c1_z23Am

Mortal thoughts (1991) - My Demi fest came to a halt with this dud. At it's best it's like a Lifetime movie, at it's worst it's like the re enactment parts of an ID channel "Evil Lives at Home" thing. Harvey Keitel is the only bright spot.

The whole thing feels like an acting class for Demi Moore, who plays some kind of Italian working class "old naybahood" person whose best friend marries a jerk played by Bruce Willis. Bruce does his best, but his frat guy wiseass thing doesn't really work as an Italian cokehead wife beater. It never really gets moving or sprouts it's wings or does whatever a movie is supposed to do. Ending was okay if heavy handed. IMDB rates it higher than it deserves so perhaps some people connected with the sad characters it portrayed in whatever place this is. Da bronx???

2.25 / 5

PRIMAL RAGE (1988)

Q: what do you do when a mutant monkey in your college's science lab bites you on the wrist?
A: go on an absolutely insane freakout rampage that lasts forever.

Decent but nowhere near as good as the following year's NIGHTMARE BEACH , with whom it shares writers and a couple of actors.

One of the writers, James Justice, went under the alias Harry Kirkpatrick... If I had a readymade movie blockbuster sounding name like 'James Justice' I probably wouldn't be thinking about going around as 'Harry Kirkpatrick'

Missile to the Moon (1958)

A rogue scientist launches an improptu expedition to the Moon with an improvised crew. There they come across one of those civilisations made up exclusively by pretty girls (and one matriach).

This is a remake of Cat Women of the Moon. The plot is rather better thought out, with much more incident and motivation (not that this is saying very much, mind you). The execution, however is quite on a par of the original, including the goofy moon spider. Special mention to the Lunar Rock Monsters who make the Tabanga look like a cheetah.

LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND (2023):
I started to review this days ago, lost my review during a crash/reboot, and in the meanwhile Indiana Smith gave it a 5/5 in the "Good Movies" section. Lester 1/2 then called it "Julia Roberts frowns for 3 hours" iirc correctly. I was on the fence after watching it, but since Indiana has come out full in-favor, I'll devote equal time to the argument that LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND is at times the worst kind of bad movie, dressed up as Oscar bait.

Alright, the positive stuff for a moment: It's pretty bleak for a mainstream apocalypse flick... not quite Michael Haneke-level bleak, but there's very little hope for society's salvation at the end. It's got some exceptionally nice cinematography and a great deal of suspense. And it's got a good performance from an actor I'm mostly agnostic about (Kevin Bacon), two acceptable performances from actors I generally dislike (Mahershala Ali and Ethan Hawke, the latter well-cast as a clammy, colorless pile of mush whose name is actually "Clay"), and a very good performance from an actor I'm otherwise unfamiliar with (Myha'la). Those elements should probably tip the balance to a favorable rating, in the case of most films. But.

After some reflection, I can limit my serious reservations about LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND to three things, but they're... significant liabilities. Oddly, the three intersect at various times and compound each other's irritations. The first is the soundtrack, full of wholly inappropriate pop, rock, hip hop, and R&B selections that are often wholly discordant w/ the film's grim tone. The two most egregious eruptions of inappropriate or just plain bad music exacerbate the film's second and third liabilities. #2: Hawke's thirteen-year old daughter is preoccupied for nearly the entire film not with the collapse of humanity and civilization around her, but merely by the indignity of being unable to stream the series finale of 90s TV's appalling "Friends". This reads as dark satire at points, but writer/director Sam Esmail invests way too much time and dramatic focus on the daughter's petty anguish, and in fact (SPOILER?) the film ends with the resolution of her ludicrous subplot. Okay, fine, but - did he also need to subject us to The Rembrandts' insufferable "I'll Be There For You" over the closing credits?!  :buggedout: :hatred:

Fortunately, LTWB isn't capable of sinking lower than such schmaltz, right? Sigh... #3: Julia Roberts, who I dislike more than Mahershala Ali but less (on a good day) than Ethan Hawke, plays a sour-faced Karen who's prone to (over)long soliloquys about her distaste for humanity. Okay, I admit, she's convincing, if not sympathetic! Naturally, the smartest thing possible that Esmail could do to help Roberts win the audience's affections is to... indulge her in a two-plus minute long scene where she plays hilariously improbable funk-R&B and then dances to seduce (?!) Ali's character. Oh wait... no, that wasn't a smart move at all. What was Esmail possibly thinking? What, for that matter, were producers Barack and Michelle Obama (who most assuredly know what real dancing looks like) thinking when they greenlighted this travesty against music and movement? Elaine Benes looks like Salome in contrast to Roberts. This is  one of the most awkward, least appealing, most uncomfortable scenes I've watched in any film since I stopped queuing torture porn.

5/5? No. For that third grievance alone... I think I must allow 2/5 at best.
I sincerely hope there are Razzies in this film's future.
Julia Roberts should never be allowed to dance onscreen again.

That FRIENDS plot line sounds absurd. (and I actually quite liked the show)

Quote from: M.10rda on December 15, 2023, 11:07:44 PM

I sincerely hope there are Razzies in this film's future.

So far critics seem to like it, reviews are positive. I didn't know it was a Netflix movie though, but I'm not surprised either.

The Razzies usually nominate movies that are disliked on social media.

DOWN aka THE SHAFT (2001)

Possessed evil elevator. directed by same guy who did THE LIFT

insanely daft to the point of being quite watchable. dumb everything. very sweary. apparently no main character. Why is Naomi Watts in it, she came from MULHOLLAND DRIVE to this? I prefer THE DARK TOWER (1987), which is also crap, but in a better way. (and what was Jenny Agutter doing in that?)

Quote from: zombie no.one on December 20, 2023, 05:49:40 PM
she came from MULHOLLAND DRIVE to this?

The original, The Lift (1983), is an award-winning Dutch cult movie. Director Dick Maas put himself on the map with the acclaimed Amsterdamned (1988).
By the time he remade his own movie The Lift as The Shaft (or Down), Dick Maas had a successful run in movies and TV (though mostly in the Netherlands).
I guess when Naomi Watts signed up for The Shaft she probably thought she was in good hands. After all, Maas made one of the most successful movies in Dutch box office history, Flodders (1986). But yeah, he couldn't capture the spirit and fun of his own movie when he remade The Lift for an international audience.

Watts shot much of MULHOLLAND in '98 or '99 as a TV pilot, which didn't get picked up. Lynch secured Le Canal + money to expand it to a longer feature and brought Watts back for the (new) last 40 minutes. It wasn't released until Fall '01 so she'd obviously signed on to do THE SHAFT well before that and maybe it even premiered in Europe before MULHOLLAND. Watts had done TANK GIRL (she's great) and other stuff even ahead of MULHOLLAND. I haven't seen it but THE SHAFT also features James Marshall from TWIN PEAKS, Ron Perlman, and other folks. You could pick worse co-stars!

Violent Night

This is basically Die Hard with Santa Claus. It starts out as an irreverent, foul mouthed and at times gory take on Santa Claus, but then occasionally switches to a family-friendly Disney approved celebration of the Christmas spirit, including a Tinkerbell moment. Both parts undercut each other, so the effect is lost. Kudos to David Harbour for his bad Santa, but if you want an entertaining chase movie set in a mansion of the rich and the privileged, watch Ready or Not instead.

Quote from: M.10rda on December 21, 2023, 09:51:43 AM
I haven't seen it but THE SHAFT also features James Marshall from TWIN PEAKS, Ron Perlman, and other folks. You could pick worse co-stars!

it's entertaining enough but very intentionally dorky, which could grate depending on your tolerance levels

Quote from: claws on December 21, 2023, 05:12:01 AM
Director Dick Maas put himself on the map with the acclaimed Amsterdamned (1988).

enjoyed AMSTERDAMNED, didn't realise that was him. the original THE LIFT is pretty good. there's a hilarious scene around the breakfast table with the dad telling his son about the birds + bees

forgot which thread this was brought up in or who mentioned / recommended it, but I watched PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR (1979) the other night. solid 70s b-movie horror... someone should make a youtube clip of all the times the word "America" is said in the film

Quote from: Dr. Whom on December 24, 2023, 05:06:36 AM
Violent Night

This is basically Die Hard with Santa Claus. It starts out as an irreverent, foul mouthed and at times gory take on Santa Claus, but then occasionally switches to a family-friendly Disney approved celebration of the Christmas spirit, including a Tinkerbell moment. Both parts undercut each other, so the effect is lost. Kudos to David Harbour for his bad Santa, but if you want an entertaining chase movie set in a mansion of the rich and the privileged, watch Ready or Not instead.

Amen!  :cheers:

Quote from: Dr. Whom on December 24, 2023, 05:06:36 AM
Violent Night

This is basically Die Hard with Santa Claus. It starts out as an irreverent, foul mouthed and at times gory take on Santa Claus, but then occasionally switches to a family-friendly Disney approved celebration of the Christmas spirit, including a Tinkerbell moment. Both parts undercut each other, so the effect is lost. Kudos to David Harbour for his bad Santa, but if you want an entertaining chase movie set in a mansion of the rich and the privileged, watch Ready or Not instead.

This looks like to be the must-see movie of the season? On other message boards I visit, it's like on everyone's "just watched" list.

Bought the Blu-ray last February, but I have no desire to watch this yet. Maybe after the holidays.

I think Dr. Whom pegged it dead to rights. It's got the intelligence and style of a Hallmark Christmas movie, just injected w/ occasional scenes of Santa getting brutally beaten, shot, stabbed, etc, and then Santa fighting back of course. Not a good film, and far less satisfying as both an action movie and a Christmas movie than DIE HARD  :twirl: upon which it is closely patterned. But David Harbour is a lovable Santa. I love Santa in any case however and I'm about as interested in watching Santa get his s**t f**ked up as I was watching Jesus get tortured in PASSION OF THE CHRIST.  :thumbdown:

I went to see VIOLENT NIGHT in the theaters when it came out and was thoroughly amused!  Maybe I just have a low entertainment threshold.

it's also possible that I am a snob!  :smile: Merry Christmas!  :cheers:

Quote from: indianasmith on December 24, 2023, 08:50:30 PM
I went to see VIOLENT NIGHT in the theaters when it came out and was thoroughly amused!  Maybe I just have a low entertainment threshold.

Well, it is a case of the glass being half full or half empty, but for me the tonal shifts ruined it. Also, I kept thinking 'Ready or Not did this so much better'. I wonder how the pitch meeting went

- so, through the interaction with the little girl, the jaded Santa finds the spirit of Christmas again?
- Yup
- and what does he do then?
- Well, he kills a whole bunch of people with a sledgehammer.

LOL!

For a film that's barely 4 years old, READY OR NOT already has earned some kind of status as the positive point of reference for many lesser films. I saw THE INVITATION a year ago - not the superb Karyn Kusama film but the Nathalie Emmanuel vs Dracula one - and kept thinking the same thing as Dr. Whom thought about VIOLENT NIGHT: Why'd they bother making this junk when READY OR NOT already did it so much better?  :thumbup:

My pre-New Year's resolution: shorter reviews!  :lookingup:

THE H-MAN (1958):
This nice-looking, full-color Toho production seemed like a highly festive post-Christmas late night treat, but realistically it's pretty bad. It boasts all the atomic age anxiety of the original GOJIRA and then some, yet too often it loses sight of the monstrous threat in favor of police procedural, crime melodrama, and showgirls performing nightclub numbers.  :question:  The "H-Man" or "Men" itself/himself/themselves are cool...  basically green versions of THE BLOB (which was released the same year, thus might've inspired H-MAN) who occasionally manifest as green spectral humanoids. They melt victims with their touch, allowing for some fun death FX (that resemble a PG-rated progenitor to STREET TRASH's gooey gore). And there's a spooky sequence aboard a ghost ship, w/ sailors discovering the H-Men and their victims. Otherwise, H-MAN devotes way too much time to its A-plot about one H-Man's human girlfriend and former criminal partners trying to recover his stolen stash of gold, or... something. The H-Men keep turning up to absorb/dissolve crooks, cops, and whoever else is pursuing the stash, leading one to wonder....... What exactly do radioactive mutant freaks care about contraband, revenge, et al? In spite of too many long cutaways to egghead scientists pontificating about atomic energy in their laboratory, this mysterious point is never made clear. Also puzzling: how the police decide to address the H-Man threat by finally setting the entire sewer system ablaze, creating an inferno which appears to break out into open civic waters and threaten the city, w/ no clear evidence that this rash maneuver has successfully neutralized any (let alone all) H-Men. Nevertheless one egghead scientist declares that "these H-Men are as good as dead" while hedging his bets to warn that more H-Men could return in the future. Good job, a***ole!

2.5/5
The literal translation of the original Japanese title is "BEAUTY AND THE LIQUID MONSTER" and that's apropos as the ex-girlfriend gets about 10 Xs as much screentime as the monster(s).

Saw two Christmas movies that I hadn't previously watched. 

Santa Who?
It starred Leslie Neilson as an amnesiac Santa.  Not his best work, but even in something like this, he has charm. 

I also watched a Christmas Karen.
That's a fun little movie.  It's a take on A Christmas Carol except set in Florida and featuring one of those modern day horrible Karen people.  I enjoyed their takes on the Three Ghosts and Marley.

TENTACLES (1977):
Of the many Bad Movies I watched as a child, this was among those that I disliked the most. Somehow I was motivated to revisit it during my vacation movie binging and it's more disappointing than I even remember, due to a few laudable elements amidst the otherwise abominable filmmaking.

Ovidio Assonitis clearly had no interest in making a killer squid-headlined JAWS-alike and thus the most interesting aspects of TENTACLES take place on dry land and usually during dialogue sequences. He choreographs and shoots/edits a mighty peppy parade complete w/ marching band and majorettes, which of course has nothing whatsoever to do w/ the squid or its victims. Top-billed John Houston never gets on a boat as an investigative reporter who, dang it, is pretty sure that corporateer Henry Fonda's research operation has something to do w/ all the waterfront disappearances. Huston is 100% committed and makes all the most hollow pronouncements sound sincere and compelling; he's much better than this crap deserves. Meanwhile Fonda appears onscreen with only one other live actor, playing most of his scenes on the phone and offering cagey line readings that suggest he'd only skimmed the scenes his character appeared in and ignored the rest of the screenplay. (Smart move!)

Bo Hopkins rounds out the leads in the Hooper/Quint role, sometimes delivering an interesting, stoned-Woody Harrelson-kinda' performance, other times just looking hung over and bored. Unfortunately Houston is completely absent from the last 25 minutes or so of the film (no, he doesn't get eaten) and instead Hopkins and his two pet killer whales (!) pursue and fight the squid in a near-totally incomprehensible montage of underlit thrashing and rubber appendages. The squid itself is glimpsed even less frequently than Bruce the Shark, though to less effect. Shelley Winters receives much more screentime, serving no purpose whatsoever except (maybe) to deliver more onscreen terror value than the generally unseen squid. This is easily the most unwelcome Shelley Winters appearance I've seen. In one sequence she wears an enormous sombrero.  :bluesad:

Besides Houston's enjoyable performance, TENTACLES' greatest boons are its highly unusual underscore (which is often in amusing counterpoint to the onscreen action) and its quite thoughtful landlocked cinemaphotography, particularly in dialogue scenes... lots of subtle camera movement, lots of extreme foreground/background deep focus compositions. There's one key extended take where the shot opens on police boats arriving onshore at night, then cranes up and back to reveal dozens of rubberneckers... pans left, then zooms back in on Houston getting his cigar lit by a hippie... and then past Houston to rest on a grieving Hopkins. The shot lasts much longer than it needs to or should, which is a choice, and the underscore is this bizarre yet peppy Euro-tune that's totally discordant for the death of a major character, but that's a choice, too. And if you watched it out of context you'd think you were watching a scene from an Antonioni art film or something. As soon as the action moves to the water, all that conscious artistry, for good or ill, goes away and it's just an incompetent monster movie again.

1.5/5
I think I had more fun watching Julia Roberts dance in LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND than watching Shelley Winters in this... yech.

Backcountry (2014) - There is one vaguely interesting scene in this where a macho tour guide makes a play for the main character's girlfriend right in front of him. It's clever and primal. When the boyfriend suggests they cook up some veggies to go with the massive amount of fish the macho guy brought, the macho guy says "no, potatoes would be better" the girlfriend says "I'll serve both". Did you catch that? Adrian Lyne would be proud.

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is one boring survival cliche after another. Apparently, it's based on a true story, but I don't want to see a true story. I want to see a good movie.

2/5

was in the "highly rated by rotten tomatoes" section at Tubi. They can have it.

The Demon.

If memory serves correctly, Trevor has repeatedly assured me that this movie represents the high point of South African celluloid culture. Yes, I am sure that is how he described it.

So yeah, there is a thing going on with a serial killer and a psychic ex-marine. The version I am watching is on YouTube and has any hint of nudity blurred out. Even when someone is fully dressed they might be blurred out, I guess on the off chance that the film might change since it was last watched and someone unexpectedly gets naked I guess?

I think I have lost wherever the plot was going though.

Quote from: Alex on January 07, 2024, 10:29:01 PM
The Demon.

If memory serves correctly, Trevor has repeatedly assured me that this movie represents the high point of South African celluloid culture. Yes, I am sure that is how he described it.

So yeah, there is a thing going on with a serial killer and a psychic ex-marine. The version I am watching is on YouTube and has any hint of nudity blurred out. Even when someone is fully dressed they might be blurred out, I guess on the off chance that the film might change since it was last watched and someone unexpectedly gets naked I guess?

I think I have lost wherever the plot was going though.

The 35mm version at the film archives wasn't much better quality either 🤧😝😉😉

"That Man Bolt" (1973)

Okay, this movie gets credit for Fred Williamson in his prime having a great time playing a super-cool badass. He makes it entertaining, and you want good things for his character.

That being said...WOW! This script is a mess. It makes no real sense. I think someone got drunk/stoned, had a lot of fantasies of The Hammer doing cool stuff, then they found the flimsiest ways to string all those fun scenes together. Total nonsense.

Still, it was great to see Teresa Graves acting sexy and John Orchard (Ugly John from the first season of the "M*A*S*H" TV series) looking flustered in nearly every scene he is in.

Just sit back, drink something intoxicating, and turn your brain off.

"Morbid" (2013)

Not to be confused with the 2022 film with the same name, though it is interesting to note this film has a score of 3.8 on IMDb and the 2022 film (with a more polished look) only has a 3.4 rating.

A psycho is out killing people in a small town while everyone is focused on the local football star and the big game.

You don't see the game. The killing doesn't seem to be connected to anything. The actors are more confused than the plot. The camera work and editing are total crap. The film sticks absurd humor into scenes where it falls flat then tries to pretend it is a moderately serious slasher at other times. Budget must have been around $500 bucks, and most of that likely went for beer to entice the non-actors to be filmed.

Yet, somehow, I sat through the whole thing. I didn't like myself for doing so, but I figured someone should watch it if the hicks that made it had the gall to actually release if for public consumption. While the three-foot schlong towards the end was different, the best scene is where the killer bursts into a room of partying teens (all six or seven of them) from what is clearly a closet. Oh, the implications there!

It is on Tubi. Believe it or not, the commercial interruptions actually make the film bearable because you need a break from the stench of this turd.

"Morbid" (2022)

After watching the other one, I just had to watch this one. To be honest, I wish I had just rewatched the other "Morbid".

This started well enough. A group of young women who were best friends reunite on Halloween to bond a seemingly broken friendship. Things went south when one of them went on some world tour to save...whatever.

Anyway, the one who went on the world tour brought back a game called Morbid from Japan. The game had been outlawed. We find out why.

They play the game. Then we get each girl's perception of the outcome. Sounds like it could work in some "Rashomon" style story telling. But not in the hands of these filmmakers. You get stilted dialogue, limp acting, poor editing, and needless confusion. All of it mired in utter tedium. You will struggle to stay awake. Trust me.

The only upside is that the girls are actually attractive, though the girl playing Ashley, the white-haired anime "Goth" girl, looks like current-day Kirsten Dunst -- pretty, but looking WAY older than the other girls in the film. That's fine. I think Kirsten is hot, even though rumor is that she is a cigarette sucker, which is disgusting.

The beginning and the very end of the film tend to be interesting because it focuses on trick-or-treaters coming to the house where the bulk of the film takes place. These kids are entertaining. The rest of the film -- not so much.

Smoke some crank and you might avoid being put to sleep by this movie. Otherwise, avoid, avoid, avoid.

I read this review 2.5 hours ago but one bit is still pestering me.......

Quote from: javakoala on January 09, 2024, 11:27:20 AM
"Morbid" (2013)

While the three-foot schlong towards the end was different,

.......How exactly does the errr three-foot schlong come into play? Is it relevant to the murders...? To the big game...? Or is the schlong non-diegetic.......? I might lose sleep over this.

Quote from: M.10rda on January 09, 2024, 07:45:25 PM
I read this review 2.5 hours ago but one bit is still pestering me.......

Quote from: javakoala on January 09, 2024, 11:27:20 AM
"Morbid" (2013)

While the three-foot schlong towards the end was different,

.......How exactly does the errr three-foot schlong come into play? Is it relevant to the murders...? To the big game...? Or is the schlong non-diegetic.......? I might lose sleep over this.

The final girl goes off on a rant about how the killer uses the big knife to make up for a tiny wang. The killer rolls his eyes and whips out the 3 footer to her horror. If her rambling rant hadn't taken so long, the joke would have been a hint funnier. Still, really out of place in a scene shot with the intention of building tension (failed miserably to no one's shock given the poor structuring of the rest of the direction).

It might have been better if she delivered her rant, he made the motions of whipping it out, and you only see her horrified face as she screams. Leave SOMETHING to the imagination. Alas, that would require both a competent director and a decent actress, neither of which had any connection to the film.

"Blood Pi" -- aka "Sorority House" (2020)

Instead of physical self-harm, I just watch movies like this. It may be more self-destructive in the end.

Amber kills her parents and puts them in the basement of the family home. Why? Don't ask, because the movie will never tell you.

She goes to her college and, out of the blue, decides to befriend the class dorkette. Why? Again, don't ask.

After giving the dork girl a hint of self-confidence, said dork girl decides to believe the b***hy sorority girls (who were picking on her) when she say she can be like them and join their sorority.

Cue Amber's killing spree.

No character motivations are explained other than a beefy jock (played by director Jordan Pacheco) having the hots for a mousy girl in the sorority, even though she sells him out to save face with her "sisters", and that the girls intend to humiliate dork girl Agnis in sick, sexual ways, including a roofie rape scene you are shown in detail.

Acting is mostly awful, though Anna Rizzo (Amber) isn't horrible even when she overdoes it now and then. Editing done by a dull food processor. Mostly boring gore that is utterly unconvincing.

The bulk of the film is built around various parties thrown by frats and sororities, yet you never EVER see more than 7 people in any group shot. And, somehow, Lilith Astaroth gets nearly top billing even though she has about 90 seconds of screen time as a DJ at one of the parties.

Stupid film poorly put together combined with throw-away performances equals a waste of your time. Worse yet, this stinker has had two shots at life and died on the table both times. Originally released as "Blood Pi" to VOD, then released on physical media as "Sorority House" a couple of years later. I'm shocked the director doesn't hand out copies of the movie in an attempt to give it some sort of traction. Hope they didn't spend much money on this wreck. If I was an investor, I'd be demanding my pound of flesh, which the director, given his size, could easily give without losing a bit of his bulk or an ounce of his non-existent pride.

"The Families Feud" (2023)

How is God's Divine Name does this have a rating of 7.0 on IMDb without trickery?

Okay, compared to a lot of the garbage I've been watching, this movie has a bit of brains behind it, but it is only there to say, "Hey, we know our movies, so give us a break, okay?"

Some Mafia-type goombas go deep into the backwoods to bury someone they whacked. Based on their reaction to the bagged-up body, it took them a LONG time to bury the body. Yeah, I know, don't apply real-world stuff to movies, but the level of rot they complained about wouldn't have set in if they buried the body within hours of killing the poor bastard.

Anyway, while attempting to bury the body, a few Bigfoot, or Squatch (short for Sasquatch), hunters appear. They have a gun fight and one of the Don's army is wounded. The capo and his right-hand guy go for revenge. After offing the wounded guy. Go figure.

They end up captured, and the Don knows this.

Just so happens that the Don is under fire from another Mafia boss, who is attending the longest running poker game I have ever witnessed. But whatever. It's a movie, right?

You can see where this is heading. Things escalate. More Familia are sent in, and more hillbillies arrive. An all-out war takes place in the backwoods while the Don is fending off hired killers in the big city.

This is a really great set-up. Totally fumbled because the filmmakers must be Tarantino freaks and wanted to show their knowledge of film history as they work in endless references to infinitely better films of the past. None of these references are subtle. I. Mean. NONE!

These references are occasionally funny, but they undermine what could have easily been a "Southern Comfort"-type of situation. I would have loved that.

Instead, beyond the "slap-you-in-the-face" film references, you get poor editing and performances that are both over the top as well as being deeply rooted in simplistic cliches from both "Deliverance" and every crappy Mafia movie, up to and including "The Godfather" franchise. It doesn't work as a straight film, and it ultimately fails as a parody. A double loss.

How in hell does this movie have a rating of 7.0 on IMDb if not for padding by the cast and crew of this mediocre attempt? I mean, if they had played it straight, it might have been interesting, but as a cheap comedy, it falls on its face, even though it clearly had a reasonable budget to work with.

I picked this because of Anna Rizzo, from the previously reviewed/mentioned "Blood Pi". Again, she does a decent job here and, again, looks utterly wonderful with her cleavage deserving its own screen credit. I hope this lady finds some success outside of these crappy movies, but even in low-budget fare, she stands out.

Seriously, other than friends of the production skewing the score, this film deserves a marginal 6 for simply not being totally braindead, but never a 7. A 5 or a 4.5 would be far more accurate.

Again, like most of the recent films I have listed here, it can be found on Tubi. And, no, I'm not advertising for them. They just have a lot of crap to watch. Including the old-school "The Partridge Family" series, which I watched the first episode again and greatly enjoyed in spite of it aging somewhat poorly.

This movie, however, is worth a watch if you just have to see the Mafia, hillbillies, and a touch of Bigfoot horror blended into a comedy that barely works 37% of the time. Be ready for a TON of jokes based on the most tired cliches connected with each overall category.

Quote from: javakoala on January 14, 2024, 07:53:54 PM

How is God's Divine Name does this have a rating of 7.0 on IMDb without trickery?

It only has 37 votes so far. Sometimes people involved with a certain movie boost IMDb rating with fake accounts. However, a rating becomes 'legit' at IMDb when it has 10,000 or 25,000 votes.

It's got Bigfoot, so I'll be watching it eventually. Unfortunately, the movie I'll be reviewing has no giant cryptids...

THE HOUSE OF USHER (1989):
...Unless you consider a portly-looking Donald Pleasance not appearing until nearly an hour into the movie to be a "giant cryptid". Pleasance has a lot of fun playing a kindly-then-menacing kook and therefore is the only reason to watch this absolutely pathetic, grueling 80s Euro-horror. The drawbacks are an entirely bored/hung-over Oliver Reed  sleepwalking through the entire film, a leading lady who can't act at all playing a character who is exceptionally dumb, a molasses-slow plot that repeatedly loses itself, dialogue that routinely contradicts previous dialogue, and only a little bit of gore... nearly all of which is sadistically rung out at the expense of innocent female characters instead of from the loathsome male antagonists. In other words, not much fun...

...So much so that I stopped watching it possibly as many as SEVEN (7) months ago with only about 10 minutes to go in the running time. For some reason I decided to wrap it up this weekend, and in some small way I'm glad I did, because the final scene elevates HOUSE OF USHER to the level of mythically bad movies: as the leading lady stumbles from the burning HOUSE, one of the bad guys or another leaps through a window at her. HARD CUT to... no, not her waking up in bed in her hotel from the first scene of the movie... 'cause It Was All A Dream... instead, Hard Cut to her and her husband driving down a country road as they did about 5 minutes into the film, towards the House of Usher, then deciding to turn around and drive the other way! Yes... the crap filmmakers decided to do the It Was All A Dream bit from countless shocking finales without the main character even waking up.

Now THAT'S some next-level laziness. It would almost be MONSTER-A-GO-GO galling, except MONSTER-A-GO-GO really puts its back into its bulls**t ending. Now I've spoiled the end of HOUSE OF USHER for you, and the end is (besides Pleasance) the only noteworthy thing about it. Thus - never ever watch it! You're welcome.

1/5
MONSTER-A-GO-GO is a much better film than HOUSE OF USHER. I mean, obv!

"Amityville Frankenstein" (2023)

Supposedly cobbled together from a FMV game called "Fiendish Theives". Not making an excuse for this. Just supplying information.

I always scoff at people who repeatedly say in their reviews, "This is the worst movie I have ever seen." Then, two reviews later, they repeat the claim. They are clearly idiots.

THIS...thing I just watched is truly the worst thing I have YET seen. If there is something worse out there (and I am sure there is), I dread finding it.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

The film begins with credits that run longer than a prostate exam by a foul-smelling inmate named Bubba with warts on his member.

Then we get "Somewhere near Amityville..." before watching a moron select snacks to eat while watching a horror movie. Yep, that is the Amityville connection. Period.

The dork goes into a room loaded with DVDs and Blu-rays (as a way of someone showing off their collection) where he opts to watch something on TV.

"Terror Telly" is the show, with a nearly two-minute long intro (which is repeated, in its entirety, for the "Thanks for watching" and "Next time on..." bits).

A dreadful host introduces the film.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

Two thieves go into a warehouse to steal a watch. Good luck figuring this out as the audio is severely glitched and virtually unintelligible.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

They finally come to a room where they find a woman's body and ignore another body leaning against a wall.

One of the guys attempts to turn on the lights, which leads to him being electrocuted for nearly 3 minutes, but, during the last third of this endless scene, the spark awakens the two bodies.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

The two guys scream a lot.

We then see the mad scientist who wanders around spouting something that I could not understand no matter how hard I tried or how loud I turned the audio. He is grabbed by hands and pulled behind a wall.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

Then we get a glimpse of "tomorrow night's feature" titled something like "I Watch You Slowly Die Whilst Sipping My Tea". This drags on for 4 or five minutes.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

Then the show ends. The dork goes to bed, and the overly-long opening credits repeat.

I wish I was kidding. All of this misery wrapped up in about 62 minutes.

OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

Have I made it clear that there is a lot of footage of two guys walking up stairs?

This had to be someone's idea of humor. This person or these persons should never be allowed to interact with humanity ever again. Even Zach Snyder is better than these people, and I hope Zach emulates Tony Scott's final moments on this planet. That should tell you something. I mean. other than telling you that I am not a nice person, because I really am not. Especially after watching OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

Other than all the stuff I have said, this movie really sucked. And not like an ugly hooker with broken teeth giving a BJ in a dark alley while you are both whacked out on meth. That would be pleasurable in comparison. 

For those who care, there is one scene of fart/shart humor. It, like the rest of the film, is not funny.

Java - have you ever seen "Marina Monster"? if you like self harm

Quote from: lester1/2jr on January 20, 2024, 11:33:25 PM
Java - have you ever seen "Marina Monster"? if you like self harm

Welp, now I need to find that movie. Thanks? Or should I wait to watch the film before thanking or condemning you?

UPDATE: Sadly, not on Tubi or on any of my other sources. Apparently it was on Amazon Video, but I no longer have that service.

I do enjoy the fact that the trailer for the movie on IMDb shows the footage running backwards of the guy dragging the net through the water. And from the look of the trailer, it appears to be far superior to OVER 8 MINUTES OF REPEATED FOOTAGE OF TWO GUYS WALKING UP STAIRS IN MINIMAL LIGHTING!!!

I ought to make that my new signature....

"Mister White" (2013)

Up front, this movie falls into the Bad Movie Thread because of two main things: GAWDAWFUL acting and shortcomings in script and direction.

Basic story: A weird guy is the target of other college classmates (the whole thing feels more like a high school premise but it is college for some reason). The weird guy stutters and has strange body tics. At one point, the dialogue seems to indicate that he used to be okay, but after a severe beating, he developed these issues, but this is never mentioned again.

It turns out that the girl dating the alpha male of the tormentors actually spent a night with the weird guy at some party a few weeks prior to taking up with the alpha male dude. She tries to prevent her group of friends from torturing the guy, but she keeps her distance to protect their undisclosed past.

Our main character, the weird dude (here after labelled WD) has been talking to people who aren't there and getting into Hoodoo, which is greatly ignored in the script. His dad thinks he is a Goth freak, and his mom is in the nut house. Well, Daddy just disappears from the storyline, though he deserves to be on the list of victims. The mom can suddenly see this person her son has been talking to for a while as can every other person in the nut house.

When the truth of WD and the girlfriend of Alpha Dude (now called AD) comes out, AD demands she spit on WD during a confrontation. She does, then AD beats the living hell out of WD as their group of twisted friends cheer it on.

We find out that the entity WD is talking to is Mister White, a former slave owner and psychotic doctor, who was cursed and killed by his slaves in an act of revenge.

WD, after the humiliation by his former lover and the severe beating, makes a pact with Mister White to slaughter his tormentors in return for his soul.

Then begins the slaughter.

The story isn't anything new or great. Still, with a little fleshing out (which might have added about 10 minutes or so to the runtime) and some critical direction (and, yes, a slightly larger budget), this could have been a nice little revenge horror flick with a few intense sequences. Sadly, the acting is dreadful by most of the cast with very few exceptions, and even those are shaky. Supporting roles, like the uncle and dad, are fine but have little impact on the film. The former love interest does well enough, but only now and then. I blame the script for her undoing.

Virtually no gore though you are led to believe some of the deaths are quite gruesome. Character issues that should play into the script get tossed aside, such as one character's fear of spiders but then he just gets flailed to death so why set up the fear?

If the script had played a bit with the "Final Destination" concept, the kills could have been more interesting. Also, given the slight element of "It Follows" (which came out the next year), the next victim should have been able to see Mister White while the rest of the friends couldn't. That would have punched up the tension and chaos. Didn't happen.

Like I said, this would never be one of those "Gosh darn, that was fresh!" kind of movies, but it could have done a far better job with its concept than it did.

On YouTube and Tubi if you are curious. Worth watching if you dig horror films built around revenge. And it at least gave you some sense of the history to the situation so it wasn't just a killer whacking annoying teens to fill 90 minutes of screen time. Only mostly bad.

Halfway House.

With boobs and a Lovecraftian monster on screen both within the first five minutes I figure this is a film for Indy. Looks like it was made in the 80s, but seems to be from the mid noughties. Young women are going missing around a halfway house run by nuns. A police officer helps a woman whose sister has went missing infiltrate the house.

Cheerfully bad.

Cruel Jaws (1995) - C'mon guys, lets get it! Powerfully stupid Jaws rip off that does the shark slaughter rampage scene half an hour in and is thus left with an hour of ridiculous trying to find and kill the fish stuff.

There's also a subplot about the main "nerd" scientist guy's girlfriend having an affair with the bad guy's son, but then there's a good guy who looks just like him (the bad guy) so I forgot what happened with all that. His even more bad guy Dad wants to disrupt the "Flipper" like tranquility of a Hulk Hogan looking guy's aquatic zoo thing with a beachfront hotel. The good guy's handicapped daughter is sweet and wants to help the dolphins and the people. The slutty girlfriend sometimes takes care of her they all like know each other.

"We're gonna need a bigger helicopter"   < actual quote. Bruno Mattei is at the helm which means no apologies for intellectual property theft or second takes. Some hot 80's style beach chicks, but not enough. The beach scenes seem to take place in an entirely new time of the day that is both dark and light.

5/5

Lester, I think I watched in early in the pandemic quarantine and luh-UVVV-ed it.

It would have been better if the little girl in the wheelchair was one of the bad guys.

60 Minutes (2024)

A German Netflix production about a mixed martial artist racing across town to make it to his daughter's birthday party—or risk losing custody. The catch? He ditched a scheduled fight for this, leaving a trail of angry goons in his wake. Naturally, instead of calling a cab, hopping on a bike, or taking the subway, he must run the entire way, punching and kicking his way through obstacles.

The last German martial arts film I watched was Plan B (2016), an indie flick picked up by 20th Century Fox and marketed as a love letter to 1980s action films—despite lacking anything remotely '80s. It starred modern-day German martial arts "legends" Can Aydin and Mike Möller, yet despite Fox's YouTube ads, the film flopped and failed to gain cult status. 60 Minutes, in contrast, opts for a gimmicky real-time format, essentially making it Run Lola Run (1998) with a male lead. Emilio Sakraya plays our so-called next big German action hero, flanked by martial arts YouTuber Bruce Willow and two tough female MMA fighters—who, let's be honest, seem shoehorned in for the sake of a gender quota. Unfortunately, none of the characters bring anything remotely interesting to the table.

The fights? Average at best, lazy at worst. Over-stylized choreography drains them of any real impact, and the film's attempt to mimic John Wick's fight sequences reeks of desperation rather than homage. And let's not forget the glaring plot holes. Since our hero effortlessly mows down everyone in his path—including the very guy he was scheduled to fight (in under three minutes, no less)—he could have just done the match, scored an easy win, and still made it to the birthday party on time. Instead, we get a nightclub fight where random onlookers watch blankly, security is nonexistent, and no one thinks to call the police. Speaking of which, in the real world, this guy would not only lose custody but also face criminal charges for reckless street brawling. But hey, realism takes a backseat when there's a clickbait plot to push. The Netflix crowd seems to love it, though, with some even praising its "realism"—a notion almost as hilarious as the film itself.

My rating 1.5

What is going on with Italy? They have the best food, most beautiful women, and a ridiculously awesome past full of sculpture and art ... yet 90% their movies are cheap garbage. How does that work?

Quote from: lester1/2jr on January 25, 2024, 05:03:35 PM
The beach scenes seem to take place in an entirely new time of the day that is both dark and light.

funny you should say that, yesterday I watched THE INITIATION OF SARAH (1978) and the opening scene tales place on a beach where it seems to be day and night at the same time... odd. maybe it was the same beach

mini-review: decent tv movie, kind of CARRIE- lite. a few funny bits. very innocent. Morgan Fairchild plays the ultimate b*tch very convincingly

I heard about some law restricting the budget of movies while reading up on The Good, The Bad & The Ugly....
It might still be the case, I dunno.....

I know you guys are taking the p**s here and of course you're aware of the perennial production tactic known as "day-for-night shooting". It's cheaper and easier to shoot night scenes during the day - for one thing, you don't have to set up a lot of production lights, you just let the sun do its thing and then you slap a filter on the lens or you crank the aperture waaay down/underexpose the scene. Of course it almost always looks like complete crap. I've seen terrible DFN photography in many many many European flicks (almost certainly the all-time worst being the lengthy sequences in Jess Franco's OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES) but also plenty of American movies. Francois Truffaut even named a movie after this time-honored filmmaking tradition.  :teddyr:    Of course most of the experts just go to the trouble of actually shooting at night.  :bouncegiggle:

I'm aware of day-for-night of course (Hammer were the 'masters' of that), but in TIOS it was like it was flitting back and forth between 100% day and 100% night, during the same scene? the film is on youtube but in such poor resolution you can't really appreciate it... t'is a weird one fer sure  I tells ye...  

edit, found a much better upload
https://youtu.be/qOzK28-96dU?si=461JgKAnV3ibhwi4

opening 3 mins or so...

Hey, I've seen that one! Wow, Morgans Fairchild and Brittany in one movie, crikey.
I didn't mean to come off as condescending. You're right, that doesn't look like intentional day-for-night... it looks like very poor color timing/correction in post... probably necessitated by quick and sloppy production on a location with inconsistent sunlight/cloud coverage... and also they decided to stage the action in front of a big shadowy reef or something, which casts deep shadows on the actors sitting in front of it, and they didn't set any fill-lights or bounce light sufficiently on those actors. Those cutaways of the dude standing with the water and dark skies in the background... THAT looks like either the shoot ran too long (they got other shots in broad afternoon daylight and then they got that guy's cutaways after the sun went down) and/or those shots are the result of a really poor/botched/sloppy post-production color timing attempt... they were trying to make all the shots match and look like the whole scene took place at twilight (?maybe?) and....... they blew it!

There you have it: four years of film school prepared me uhhhhhhh for this post! :lookingup:

haha... I'd say it totally paid off!  :cheers:

just noticed there appears to be a 2006 remake. I didn't know remakes of tv movies were a thing,

Tidal Wave: No Escape (1997) - Useless movie about a mad scientist who tries and succeeds in starting tidal waves with nuclear missiles. Most notable among the cast is Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter as some kind of science cop. Also on board is main character Corbin Bernsen from LA Law and Julianne Phillips, who for the entire thing I was trying to decide if she was the blonde DA from Law and Order SVU. It's turns out...she's not!

There's a little bit of drama but it's pretty thin. I found myself forgetting about the movie and just looking at the actors like "He must be doing this to pay for a new beach house". The ending is appropriately ridiculous and, I suspect, unscientific. If you saw it you might remember one scene where Bernsen is driving away from a wave and rolls around in his car with water everywhere. Like the images of the wave itself, it's just super realistic and hi tech. Worth checking out for how irrelevant it is and for early examples of what would become hallmarks of this kind of thing: forgotten tv stars, campy crap, etc

2 /5    

(https://play-lh.googleusercontent.com/proxy/yXl5-JcgtGFHEkWcjkckC3rd7Bf_70QV2_MkTGpaL1hc9y7_3aapgop3bS0poFKYdxihgL6PWWajn0a8P5PYJS9rUJN4dTLzaXdGsyyebkyf3uUFAoHmrDBldw9WzvwXTacaCiJz2T9ZGUe6wBZ8cfYl7tWf_bScV261wQ=w240-h480)

"Beyond the Door III" (1989)

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

I can't believe I sat through this totally sober.

First up, the executive producer is Ovidio Assonitis, who has a long track record of dodgy films and a name that sounds like an illness that causes anal leakage.

Group of dumb Americans are packed off to Yugoslavia to see a rare, once-in-a-lifetime religious rite. All of them are snarky, annoying typical American types with one girl, whom everyone knows is a virgin and that she has a LARGE unique birthmark, whose family hails from that area, but no one can smell the blatant sacrificial set up here.

As soon as the idiots arrive in the village deep in the forest, zero time is spent building suspense as the virgin is separated from the others, who are nailed into their huts to be burned to death. One of the group dies in the fire, but all the rest, virgin included, escape. All but two make it onto a train.

The bulk of the movie details the adventure of this possessed train (yes, I said "possessed train") as it defies logic and physics to kill nearly everyone with more than two lines of dialogue. It jumps the tracks, flies past an attempt to derail it, chugs through a swamp to kill two of the kids who didn't make it on the train, turns itself around somehow, and defies being blown up.

All of this just so Satan can have a virgin bride. Oh, but that tells you what happens, doesn't it? Yup. One bonk with a mute flutist, and Satan loses out. In his anger, he whacks everyone BUT THE SOILED BRIDE!!!

Not even Bo Svenson putting on a thick European/Slavic accent can save this.

The only saving grace? A thief on the train is kinda hot and deserves her own series of action movies.

And Vinegar Syndrome chose THIS as a movie to release in 4K? No wonder I have lost respect for them.

Interesting gore effects, but they come few and far between, so watch at your own risk.

Also, why does this rate a 5.2 on IMDb for any reason other than being bonkers?

Note: The cover image below has NOTHING to do with the movie.

(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/W/MEDIAX_849526-T2/images/I/71wZe9L8DFL._SX342_.jpg)

That's hilarious... haven't seen that one. Bo Svenson also did TENTACLES w/ Assonitis (constult your physician) over a decade earlier and looked terribly bored or drunk during most of that film... maybe he was so drunk he didn't remember working w/ Assonitis at all and thus signed on for this one!

Quote from: M.10rda on February 04, 2024, 01:13:12 PM
That's hilarious... haven't seen that one. Bo Svenson also did TENTACLES w/ Assonitis (constult your physician) over a decade earlier and looked terribly bored or drunk during most of that film... maybe he was so drunk he didn't remember working w/ Assonitis at all and thus signed on for this one!

Possibly true, though he looked utterly sober in this. I think he must have needed new shingles for his house, so he signed on for this one. Just a guess. And he got to wear a really cool, bright red scarf. That would have convinced me to do the shoot.

Quote from: M.10rda on February 04, 2024, 01:13:12 PM
That's hilarious... haven't seen that one. Bo Svenson also did TENTACLES w/ Assonitis (constult your physician) over a decade earlier and looked terribly bored or drunk during most of that film... maybe he was so drunk he didn't remember working w/ Assonitis at all and thus signed on for this one!

I kept thinking something didn't sound right about that, so I pulled it up on Tubi. Bo Hopkins starred in TENTACLES. He either tried to channel James Dean's facial expressions or Hopkins just stayed stoned. Or both. Not to say that I don't enjoy watching Bo Hopkins. I do. But in that dull movie, Shelley Winters' fat folds gave a more active performance. Poor Henry Fonda seemed lost. I think John Houston was just glad he was getting paid.

OHHHHHH thank you for the clarification! There I am crossing my Bo's again.  :thumbup:

LA CHINOISE (1967):
Jean-Luc Godard passed away a couple of years ago and I've been trying to catch up on some of his deeper cuts since then to figure out what I've been missing out on. Increasingly I'm unsure why I bother. I want to exclaim that LA CHINOISE is the most pretentious thing I've ever seen, however in truth it's probably not even the most pretentious Godard film I've seen. I needed to read the Wiki on it to understand it's an adaptation of a Doestoyevski novel (!) and to recognize that there is occasionally some very elusive narrative to this feature film. I'll disregard that discovery in discussing LA CHINOISE though as frankly it's irrelevant! I was actually prepared to grant that Godard might've been actively trying to deconstruct all possibility for narrative inference in this one, as he would later in his career - nope, he's just lost up Chairman Mao's ass again.

So this is the Godard movie where the group of actors (including Jean-Pierre Leaud and Juliet Berto) sit around an apartment reciting socialist tracts to one another. Now if you've seen more than one Godard film made after 1966, you might be saying, Isn't that every Godard film? Touche - but this is the one where they do it for about 90 full minutes. I grant you that sometimes they smoke while doing it, sometimes they fire dart guns at pictures of philosophers and politicians who weren't alive during Doestoyevski's lifetime, and during one brief interval they do it while performing enthusiastic calisthenics.  There's also one long section where they do it while seated on a moving train. And they also stencil or sometimes paint socialist tracts on the walls of their apartment, which provides a little visual interest.

What's it like to watch? It's kind of like the worst sketch comedy film you've ever seen - maybe try to imagine that one low-budget Prime comedy that was 75 minutes of dramatizations of brief sex jokes, or that one time Bill Zebub tried to make a sketch comedy film - only less funny. I'm being glib, of course. There is one funny moment towards the end where two characters drive to a motel to assassinate someone in room 23 and the woman enters, comes back, and says she messed up and assassinated the tenant of room 32 instead, so she has to go back in again. Now that's not a great joke but it's the best you'll get in LA CHINOISE and I gather (per Wikipedia) we have Doestoyevski to thank for that one.

LA CHINOISE isn't entirely w/o value. Godard uses color nicely in many shots and Berto and the other actress look great. Also, it's got Leaud, possibly the most affable French actor of all time and certainly the mid-20th century precedent to Jason Schwartzman. I don't know if Leaud was super into left-wing politics in the 60s and therefore could understand what the heck his character is talking about, but he seems to deliver all his voluminous dialogue and monologues w/ earnest conviction. Of course Leaud's entire thing in every film is being affable and having earnest conviction while he wanders around having absolutely no idea what he's doing, thus I suppose that might be the case here, too.

FWIW I've read some Marx and some leftist theory, and I'm sympathetic certainly to Marxist and socialist ideology. I still felt very confused, disconnected, and apathetic during almost the entirety of LA CHINOISE. I'd guess you'd need at least a full semester of college or post-graduate level coursework in leftist poli-sci to be able to get down w/ JLG here, and maybe there were arthouses upon arthouses full of such filmgoers in 1967 who could grok with what JLG was puttin' down. I think that's a high barrier to entry today, though. But Godard wasn't ever much interested in connecting to viewers anyway.

2/5
I'd say just go watch Allan Funt's WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A NAKED LADY? (1970) instead.  :teddyr:

ARGYLLE (2024):
We watched this primarily for the cat, having seen one TV commercial for it and otherwise going in blind. Often that strategy works, and indeed ARGYLLE has....... twists? So I'll try to avoid spoilers here. In short - skip it!!!

This film is almost as long as EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE, which I reviewed a week ago. ARGYLLE has even more bad ideas than EEAAO, but unlike the 2023 Oscar winner for Best Picture, ARGYLLE executes almost none of them sufficiently, and also unlike EEAAO, ARGYLLE exhausted all my patience in well under two-and-a-quarter hours.

ARGYLLE does have Catherine O'Hara in a large supporting role (and looking great as a redhead again after several seasons of SCHITT'S CREEK), Sam Rockwell doing an honest job trying to play Tom Cruise and then briefly Val Kilmer as the Saint, and a bunch of other likeable actors pitching in some screen time. It also gives Bryce Dallas Howard an opportunity to be an ass-kicking female action hero, which I'd be okay w/ under many circumstances. And it has a lot of CGI cat, though probably not nearly enough CGI cat (or real cat) for my tastes. Unfortunately, it also has sooooooooooo many incessant Matthew Vaughn-isms, dialed up to Maximum Vaughnage, in support of a screenplay that is just doing everything everywhere all at once while accomplishing nothing well whatsoever.

ARGYLLE is also another $200 million + bomb that its producers should've known was never going to recoup let alone make a profit. I say: GOOD!  :thumbdown:

1/5

Just rewatch ROMANCING THE STONE and THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT at home while hanging out w/ your own cat/s!

Night of the Blood Beast (1958)

If The Thing had no money, it would be this film. Kinda slow & talky. Cool animated space ship in the opening credits. The actual space ship set had paper-thin walls; an actor was able to bend one wall by brushing against it. Decent animation of some microbes. Bad monster suit; it looked heavy, barely movable.

The Coming aka Burned at the Stake (1981) -   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYE6kinSt8k (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYE6kinSt8k)


Someone uploaded this Bert I Gordon Salem Witch Trial misfire to youtube. Fun fact: the I in Bert I Gordon stands for I would not want to be associated with this train wreck.

A girl in modern day Salem is the reincarnated spirit of one of the witch trial kids who accused innocent people of all that stuff. The poor little girl who plays her has to act like an insane person and do these endless monologues in Early American dialect. The most memorable thing about this movie is how the husband of one of the accused witches gets transported to the present day where he is solid and can be tackled, but can't be shot. It's like a bad student play. "Worth seeing" if you want to see a big mess. There are some colorful special effects, but it's a chore to get through and the story is ultimately really typical Salem Witch Trial stuff.

1.5 /5 highly reverse recommended

(https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/541648fde4b0f910e312cd76/1415152741005-AIRRQ5SDXIZXS2CSKB6R/image-asset.jpeg)

What a shame. I watched it once. So damned dark you can barely make out the lack of any action.

Honestly, I watched it for Susan Swift. Always liked her. Not a good actress, but she was different.

She give it her all.

Battle in Outer Space (1959)

In the distant year 1965, Earth is attacked by nefarious aliens from planet Natal, who cause all sorts of disaster. They are preparing an attack from a Moon base, so a two ship expedition is quickly launched to destroy the alien base. The destruction of the alien base doesn't help much, however and the aliens launch an all out attack. Earth's fighter defence can't stop them and the aliens are only defeated by a last ditch intervention of  laser cannon.

There is not a lot about this movie that makes any sense. Both sides have impressive weaponry at their disposal (including alien mind control), which is used erratically. There are a lot of explosions and shooting of lasers, with a climactic dogfight in space, long before Star Wars. It is also a very crowded movie, with lots of people in every scene who don't have too much to do. The main message is the power of international cooperation, with the peoples of the world coming together under the flag of the UN to battle the invaders.

Digging into the Ormond box set. This is going to hurt...

UNTAMED MISTRESS (1956): Three men travel into the jungle on a safairy (as they insist on calling their safari), accompanied by a woman raised by gorillas; when they get into gorilla country, the gorillas want her back. Badly stitched together story with some padded narrative added to flesh out stock footage and unused parts of a Sabu movie; the National Geographic-style nudity of topless native women near the end, and newly-shot scenes of topless "native" dancers entertaining men in gorilla suits, is the reason this was made. A movie only RC Merchant could love. I can tell this Ormond box set is going to be quite the chore. 1/5.

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME! (1963): A young wife who's frigid because of a sexual assault in her youth regains conjugal bliss with the help of hypnotism. A serious subject given much less respect than it deserves, this forbidden melodrama is an exercise in padding, pseudoscience, shoehorned mondo-style footage of surgery and---its raison d'etre---extensive cleavage (and even side boob). It's an indictment of its times on many levels. 2.5.

The female lead, Viki Caron (who never turned up in anything else), is remarkable. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, she has two enormous talents.

(https://www.cageyfilms.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/please-dont-touch-me_01-300x191.jpg)

Quote from: Rev. Powell on March 20, 2024, 08:56:25 AM
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME! (1963): A young wife who's frigid because of a sexual assault in her youth regains conjugal bliss with the help of hypnotism. A serious subject given much less respect than it deserves, this forbidden melodrama is an exercise in padding, pseudoscience, shoehorned mondo-style footage of surgery and---its raison d'etre---extensive cleavage (and even side boob). It's an indictment of its times on many levels. 2.5.

The female lead, Viki Caron (who never turned up in anything else), is remarkable. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, she has two enormous talents.

(https://www.cageyfilms.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/please-dont-touch-me_01-300x191.jpg)

I used to post this on my YouTube channel before I got banned. It was always a crowd-pleaser.

WHITE LIGHTNIN' ROAD (1967): A hot-rodder just wants to race, but keeps getting sucked into crime subplots that threaten to become interesting, before extricating himself and getting back to the track. Really boring; I've never understood how watching cars driving around in a circle is supposed to be entertaining. 0.5/5.

Poor Things.

Not quite arty enough for me to call art house, not quite enough sex and nudity to be a porno and not good enough to be enjoyable. Kristi picked this one. I did not recognise Emma Stone with her hair colour and style at all. It does have quite a big-name cast all of whom put in a decent performance, and it has nice sets but the film just wasn't coherent enough. I can imagine the Rev getting more enjoyment out of it than we did.

Quote from: Alex on March 27, 2024, 09:41:08 AM
Poor Things.

Not quite arty enough for me to call art house, not quite enough sex and nudity to be a porno and not good enough to be enjoyable. Kristi picked this one. I did not recognise Emma Stone with her hair colour and style at all. It does have quite a big-name cast all of whom put in a decent performance, and it has nice sets but the film just wasn't coherent enough. I can imagine the Rev getting more enjoyment out of it than we did.

Indeed, I loved it and thought it was easily the best movie of 2023. I found it pretty coherent, although coherency isn't something I usually care about much.

I gotta get this ormand box set! Oh wait, I don't have a DVD player anymore. Wait, yes I have a travel one somewhere.

The Golden Blade

Colorful but cliche & slow paced Arabian Knights flick. Rock Hudson must avenge his father's death, finds a magic sword which only works for him, & must save the rebellious princess from evil advisor Jafar.

Felt cheap; costumes were anything which looked old; sets looked like Universal's European  village with minor changes.

I recently watched VELOCIPASTOR. I don't know what you're doing right now, but whatever it is, stop it and go watch that film. You won't regret it.

THE GIRL FROM TOBACCO ROW (1966): A butt-ugly but good-natured escaped convict (rock and roller Earl Sinks) comes to town and stays with some hick Bible thumpers, romancing the mute girl while searching for the loot his cellie stashed. It's about 3/4 talk, 1/5 harmonica music, and 1/20 action. One of the worst of the Ormond family movies, which is saying something. Somehow this got a 5.3 on IMDB, which seems insanely high. 1/5.

The Spork of Pleasure and Death (the 3-D version.)

Quote from: ER on April 18, 2024, 09:51:47 AM
The Spork of Pleasure and Death (the 3-D version.)

I think I read about that one quite recently.

Quote from: Alex on April 18, 2024, 11:15:47 AM

Quote from: ER on April 18, 2024, 09:51:47 AM
The Spork of Pleasure and Death (the 3-D version.)

I think I read about that one quite recently.

Such a twist ending! I didn't see him coming like that.

Is that a put-on? A Google search returned no results.......

Because it came up in another topic, I tracked down and watched the Insane Clown Posse western, Big Money Rustlas.  (I found it on youtube.) 

It's actually entertaining and I don't mean unintentionally.  There are legitimately funny moments that made me laugh out loud and lot of the movie has a sort of Troma feel to it where you know it's bad and they know it's bad, but that's what makes it fun. 

There's a midget love interest. 

It also has Jason Mews in one of his few roles that don't mention weed or Silent Bob.

You found it! I'll have to watch it on YT. Your positive comments apply also to the previous entry, B.M. HUSTLAS (minus the love interest, iirc).

Wizard of Mars (1965)

In the distant year 1975 a spaceship carrying out a survey of Mars crashes on the planet. Will the four astronauts survive until help comes?

My God, this was boring. Ostensibly an adaptation of Wizard of Oz, this movie has absolutely nothing to offer. The first 45 minutes are largely taken up by walking through a cave and across a desert, while a voice off tries to hype things up. Instead you get nothing, no incident, no tension, no character development, just some inane dialogue delivered with extraordinary flatness. The quest ends with the disembodied head of John Carradine giving lengthy exposition. The only action comes when they essentially have to change a lightbulb to set time back in motion and all ends well.

I watched this on YT and in the end I was welcoming the commercial breaks as a relief from the boredom.

^ That film is truly horrific, and not in a good way.

WIZARD OF MARS is terrible but at least it's less odious than

THE BEAT GENERATION (1959):
Second viewing of an Albert Zugsmith AIP production co-written by Richard Matheson (!). I remember kinda' digging it and finding it interesting several years back but I was probably drinking when I first watched it. It's definitely very interesting but mostly for all the wrong reasons. It opens in the informal "beat" nightclub/hangout where much of the action takes place and where Louis Armstrong inexplicably performs w/ his entire orchestra and is on a first-name basis w/ the thuggish local white cops. Following ONE brief sub-scene of truly dank, remarkably hilarious "beat" dialogue, Matheson and his collaborator just give up on putting in the effort and everyone talks more or less normally for the rest of the movie. (Diablo Cody may have taken notes here...)

The main plot focuses on a hep-talking home invader/serial rapist who selects the innocent wife of the cop pursuing him as his next target, just for "kicks". That cop is an acknowledged misogynist who thinks all women are whores and suggests that every female victim in the film was in some way asking for sexual assault - including, ultimately, his own wife! When she reveals (post-attack) that she's pregnant and doesn't know if the baby is her husband's or the rapist's, Dirty Harry forbids her to get an abortion - not because he wants to raise the child regardless (he doesn't), but (as he insists repeatedly, pathologically) "it's illegal... it's against the law!". All of this is entirely stomach-churning and made me think I'd nodded off for long stretches of TBG the first time I watched it. There is a certain criticality to the first half of Matheson's screenplay, as he at least is raising some pertinent questions about toxic masculinity et al, and as the character of the wife is presented as extremely sympathetic and reasonable. Yet the film ultimately reaches all the wrong conclusions, most despicably in a scene where the wife's best friend escorts her to the neighborhood priest for advice, and the priest (played by uncredited ubiquitous white guy William Schallert) solemnly assures her that, regardless of the circumstances, she will be murdering her unborn child. I've wanted to punch a few priests IRL but I don't think I've ever wanted to beat up a movie priest as much as I wanted to slug the s**t out of Father Schallert in this scene.

Making matters worse, the film is essentially HEAT with Ray Danton's highly compelling yet detestable rapist in the DeNiro role and Steve Cochran's vacuous dullard fascist detective in the Pacino role. As they finally grapple mano a mano at the climax - underwater, no less! - it's impossible to root for one or the other. I tried to forget I'd already seen the ending years ago and hoped both's lungs would implode or they'd be devoured by sharks. No such luck. What's additionally worrisome and perplexing is that the beatniks who populate the film's background are incidental to the plot, thus presumably Zugsmith and Co. were either trying to repackage their crime potboiler w/ a topical facade or else they were really trying to put over the notion that the nihilist rapist was an accurate reflection of the characters of Kerouac, Ginsburg, and Burroughs. (Okay, maybe Burroughs was fair game.)

The least offensive "interesting" aspect of THE BEAT GENERATION remains its large ensemble cast of (seemingly) whoever was wandering by AIP's front doors that week. Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan plays a large and completely serious supporting role as the voice of reason, which in and of itself seems emblematic of TBG's compromised worldview. Coogan is also credited as "Dialogue Coach", which is nothing to brag about in light of the performances of James "Jim" Mitchum (son of Bob), who does a great job as Danton's accomplice when he's silent though blows it every time he opens his mouth; and Mamie Van Doren, who's competent at best as the bait that Cochran uses to try to snare Danton. Better value is delivered by a completely unrecognizable Vampira (!!!) who stops in for one scene where she reads some mediocre poetry and looks more like Mary Woronov in a butch haircut. But honestly the most amusing aspects of TBG are two bit players that hang out in the background for most of the film before figuring briefly in the final act: Norman Grabowski, who looks like a heavyweight boxer but moves and behaves like Marcel Marceau, and "Slapsy Maxie" Rosenbloom, who looks and acts like a drunk Curly Howard and steals the show when he decides to whup the tar out of loathsome fascist Cochran. Neither Grabowski nor Rosenbloom are remotely credible as young beatniks - both look like they're pushing 50 at least - but in this case Zugsmith's cluelessness about his milieu at least yielded some authentic entertainment.

Honestly TBG isn't badly made at all - it's just an ugly thing to endure in a post-Dobbs world and particularly in a week where one of Weinstein's convictions was overturned.
2/5
Will not watch again.

(If you've seen at least a couple AIP or Corman films you'll likely recognize the beachside bungalow where the beatniks hang out.)

THE EXOTIC ONES (1968): A New Orleans strip club decides a swamp monster (actually a tall shirtless guy with a bad haircut) would make a good attraction for raincoaters. A movie about strippers and monsters should not be this talky and boring, but at least there's a stripper who drinks a glass of water while doing a handstand, a catfight, and a serenade from a giant harmonica. 1.5/5.

Quote from: M.10rda on April 28, 2024, 10:46:16 AM
WIZARD OF MARS is terrible but at least it's less odious than

THE BEAT GENERATION (1959):
Second viewing of an Albert Zugsmith AIP production co-written by Richard Matheson (!). I remember kinda' digging it and finding it interesting several years back but I was probably drinking when I first watched it. It's definitely very interesting but mostly for all the wrong reasons. It opens in the informal "beat" nightclub/hangout where much of the action takes place and where Louis Armstrong inexplicably performs w/ his entire orchestra and is on a first-name basis w/ the thuggish local white cops. Following ONE brief sub-scene of truly dank, remarkably hilarious "beat" dialogue, Matheson and his collaborator just give up on putting in the effort and everyone talks more or less normally for the rest of the movie. (Diablo Cody may have taken notes here...)

The main plot focuses on a hep-talking home invader/serial rapist who selects the innocent wife of the cop pursuing him as his next target, just for "kicks". That cop is an acknowledged misogynist who thinks all women are whores and suggests that every female victim in the film was in some way asking for sexual assault - including, ultimately, his own wife! When she reveals (post-attack) that she's pregnant and doesn't know if the baby is her husband's or the rapist's, Dirty Harry forbids her to get an abortion - not because he wants to raise the child regardless (he doesn't), but (as he insists repeatedly, pathologically) "it's illegal... it's against the law!". All of this is entirely stomach-churning and made me think I'd nodded off for long stretches of TBG the first time I watched it. There is a certain criticality to the first half of Matheson's screenplay, as he at least is raising some pertinent questions about toxic masculinity et al, and as the character of the wife is presented as extremely sympathetic and reasonable. Yet the film ultimately reaches all the wrong conclusions, most despicably in a scene where the wife's best friend escorts her to the neighborhood priest for advice, and the priest (played by uncredited ubiquitous white guy William Schallert) solemnly assures her that, regardless of the circumstances, she will be murdering her unborn child. I've wanted to punch a few priests IRL but I don't think I've ever wanted to beat up a movie priest as much as I wanted to slug the s**t out of Father Schallert in this scene.

Making matters worse, the film is essentially HEAT with Ray Danton's highly compelling yet detestable rapist in the DeNiro role and Steve Cochran's vacuous dullard fascist detective in the Pacino role. As they finally grapple mano a mano at the climax - underwater, no less! - it's impossible to root for one or the other. I tried to forget I'd already seen the ending years ago and hoped both's lungs would implode or they'd be devoured by sharks. No such luck. What's additionally worrisome and perplexing is that the beatniks who populate the film's background are incidental to the plot, thus presumably Zugsmith and Co. were either trying to repackage their crime potboiler w/ a topical facade or else they were really trying to put over the notion that the nihilist rapist was an accurate reflection of the characters of Kerouac, Ginsburg, and Burroughs. (Okay, maybe Burroughs was fair game.)

The least offensive "interesting" aspect of THE BEAT GENERATION remains its large ensemble cast of (seemingly) whoever was wandering by AIP's front doors that week. Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan plays a large and completely serious supporting role as the voice of reason, which in and of itself seems emblematic of TBG's compromised worldview. Coogan is also credited as "Dialogue Coach", which is nothing to brag about in light of the performances of James "Jim" Mitchum (son of Bob), who does a great job as Danton's accomplice when he's silent though blows it every time he opens his mouth; and Mamie Van Doren, who's competent at best as the bait that Cochran uses to try to snare Danton. Better value is delivered by a completely unrecognizable Vampira (!!!) who stops in for one scene where she reads some mediocre poetry and looks more like Mary Woronov in a butch haircut. But honestly the most amusing aspects of TBG are two bit players that hang out in the background for most of the film before figuring briefly in the final act: Norman Grabowski, who looks like a heavyweight boxer but moves and behaves like Marcel Marceau, and "Slapsy Maxie" Rosenbloom, who looks and acts like a drunk Curly Howard and steals the show when he decides to whup the tar out of loathsome fascist Cochran. Neither Grabowski nor Rosenbloom are remotely credible as young beatniks - both look like they're pushing 50 at least - but in this case Zugsmith's cluelessness about his milieu at least yielded some authentic entertainment.

Honestly TBG isn't badly made at all - it's just an ugly thing to endure in a post-Dobbs world and particularly in a week where one of Weinstein's convictions was overturned.
2/5
Will not watch again.

(If you've seen at least a couple AIP or Corman films you'll likely recognize the beachside bungalow where the beatniks hang out.)

I love this movie! For just the oddball cast! Vampira and her rat are precious!

That was my initial reaction several years ago after a few drinks, yeah.  :smile:    Maybe the lesson for me is "Don't watch bad movies sober!"

^I'm a BIG Vampira fan, so any rare chance to see her, even for a brief moment, is cool to me.

(https://i.imgur.com/oI2HFV0.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

(https://i.imgur.com/0c5rX93.jpeg) (https://lunapic.com)

Yeah, Maila Nurmi was a cool chick and it's neat to see her out of "drag", so to speak. Tim Burton kind of made it seem like she was Vampira all the time iirc.

I watched the Luarel and Hardy movie A Haunting We Will Go.  It's a bit odd because there are no ghosts in the movie, no spooks, nothing that would do anything even remotely considered Haunting.  Instead it has gangster and a stage magician.  It's not a bad movie, but not one of their better works.

THE BURNING HELL (1974): Two hippies don't believe in Hell, but after one of them dies in a gory but unconvincing motorcycle crash the other listens to a fire and brimstone sermon from Estus R. Pirkle (complete with re-enactments of Biblical stories by parishioners and trips to Hell) and gets saved. Intended to be shown at Sunday schools to terrify (very) impressionable youth, it's full of paunchy deacons and matronly parishioners dressing up like Pharisees and delivering Biblical prophecies through thick Tennessee accents, then demonstrating the torments of Hell by grimacing through burnface makeup while live maggots crawl over their faces. Unbelievable. 1.5/5.

^ I need to see that! I love the Ormand's quasi-Christian/ horror movies!

Quote from: RCMerchant on May 01, 2024, 09:26:36 AM
^ I need to see that! I love the Ormand's quasi-Christian/ horror movies!

They are... something else. They scare little kids and make adults laugh. The anti-Communist one is insane.

Quote from: RCMerchant on May 01, 2024, 09:26:36 AM
^ I need to see that! I love the Ormand's quasi-Christian/ horror movies!

I remember seeing IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU WHAT WILL HORSES DO many years ago and went 😳😳😏

You say "Estus Pirkle", I say "How high..."

".......Do I have to be before I can swallow that guy's baloney and not want to puke pea soup in his sanctimonious face?"  :drink:

THE GRIM REAPER (1976): A man refuses to get saved even after his unsaved race car driver son dies and goes to hell, preferring to attend seances conducted by an obvious charlatan (whom the movie obviously believes can really speak to the dead). Spoiler: he eventually goes to church and accepts Jesus. A recycled version of Ormond's previous "The Burning Hell," with less hell footage, but with June Ormond dressed as a Halloween-store witch to reenact Saul's trip to the necromancer in 1 Samuel. 1/5.

The Red Light Sting (Made for TV 1984) - The feds buy a whorehouse in an attempt to take down an extortionist mobster, played by a guy (Harold Gould) who looks like Ricardo Montalbán but isn't. Having Farrah Fawcett as the Madame and girls who look like they just filmed the "Super Freak" video as whores works. Having Beau Bridges as the pimp definitely does not.

In fact, it really starts to get irritating. Maybe there is something clever to Bridges as the worlds first "aw shucks" pimp, but I just wanted to slap the guy. The best part of the movie is the goofy pimp costumery and insanely tacky crib he's holed up in while on the assignment. After this, Fawcett was in the landmark domestic violence movie "The Burning Bed" which I watched in horror as a 9 year old. Didn't the husband try to feed her to alligators or something?

This movie is in no way notable and even if the pimp/ cop role had been correctly cast it would basically be at the level of a Charlie's Angels episode.

1.5 / 5

The "Dondi" of s**tty made for tv movies

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GNHTn9QWEAASCvW?format=png&name=small)

Casting Harold Gould as Ricardo Montalban is just as funny as casting Beau Bridges as a pimp. What a profoundly white White Person movie!

THE BOXER (1972):
After the extremely classy FALLEN IDOL I needed some sleazy sorbet for my movie palate and figured the trick would be done by an Italian crime thriller starring Robert Blake and Ernest Borgnine and directed by Franco Prosperi, the ghoul who invented the Mondo film genre and created its most horrifying and inhumane entries. Well, in spite of the opening credits declaring that THE BOXER is "Directed by Franco Prosperi", can you believe it was actually directed by some nobody named FRANCESCO Prosperi who isn't Franco Prosperi in the slightest? I shoulda' known when mid-way through the flick Blake speeds away from a crime scene, runs over a dog ONLY off-screen (w/ sound FX), and then in a later scene we're told that the dog will be fine. This one detail was a clear signal that I was watching the work of an imposter....... as of course the Real Franco Prosperi was the maniac probably most singly responsible for the introduction of the "No Animals Were Harmed During The Making Of The Film" disclaimer. Now I don't mind NOT seeing (or hearing) dog-death in the slightest - I love dogs and other furry animals. But almost every other aspect of THE BOXER is equally toothless!

Blake at least moves and behaves quite convincingly as a bantamweight who flees one bad match and of course stumbles directly into a much dicier murder plot, set up by greasy bad guy Tomas Milian (as "Hippy!"), who is underused but easily the most entertaining thing about the movie. Eventually Borgnine shows up as a homicide detective and does a pretty weak job of trying to straighten things out. It's unclear if THE BOXER was shot entirely in Europe but it looks like it was mostly or entirely post-dubbed in the Italian tradition. Blake and Borgnine's unmistakable voices are definitely their own, but the looping seems to have inhibited both actors from delivering masterful performances, w/ Borgnine seeming a little stiff in the interest of syncing his lines, while Blake just goes full-chop socky/anime gonzo and litters his vocal track w/ constant weird non-verbal interjections. ("Ah! Huhhhh! Oh?!")

There's some mostly bloodless fisticuffs and gunplay, plus a little okay car-chasing. Camille Keaton appears very briefly in flashback - she'd have been better utilized as the female lead, which is filled by flavorless Catherine Spaak. There's no spaaks to be found between Blake and Spaak, yet she still appears incongruously at the end of the climax and just before the credits roll to stare longingly at Blake (and vice versa) in a series of long awkward cut-away close-ups. It's just about the least well-motivated erotic staring sequence I've seen since the opening weekend finale to LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING in 2003! Fortunately it's about one-thirtieth as long as the erotic staring sequence in that film but it's still too much.

2/5
Nothing to see here!

I figured I should check out the motion picture that everyone's talking about.......

MADAME WEB (2024):
Produced not by but "in association with" Marvel Studios, who I guess didn't give Columbia Pictures the memo about their own recent flop headlined by D-list female heroes, THE MARVELS. I'm gonna' frame this like I would in a lecture for the "Superhero Cinema" college course that I taught for about 3.5 years, through the lens of a lifelong comics reader who now struggles to keep up w/ the increasingly trivial programming of a post-ENDGAME Avengersverse... none of the four female protagonists in MADAME WEB are terribly (or at all) significant in comics or to most comic readers, and nor is the antagonist. The title character was a somewhat sinister minor superpowered old woman introduced in 1980, who only stuck around for a couple years in subplots and bore a closer resemblance to O.G. Aunt May Rosemary Harris than to the lithe and youthful Dakota Johnson. Don and Melanie's daughter is braced by three teenager girls: the Latina (underwritten) is a newer character named "Silk" (though she's never referred as this onscreen) who had her own comic for a while a couple years ago; the redhead (also underdeveloped) was the second Spider-Woman for a bit in the late 80s and then much later took on the "Madame Web" name but remained more or less obscure; and the black girl (supremely annoying as written and played) is no one I've ever seen or heard of in a book. Meanwhile, the villain , "Ezekial", was the focus of a rather unpopular storyline in the 90s and hasn't been up to much (or has been dead) ever since. The absence of Jessica Drew, the original Spider-Woman who probably would have much higher recognition among mainstream filmgoers (or at least some) and wore a similar costume to Spider-Man's is puzzling... for that matter, Spider-Gwen is now super hot in comics and thanks to the SPIDERVERSE movies, so why not just make a movie about her?

All of the context above, plus the tangential appearances of Uncle Ben Parker, his sister-in-law Mary, and even (briefly) Peter as a newborn, stinks of drinkin' thinkin' or just plain desperation. Presumably someone envisioned this as a franchise that could run in tandem w/ more future live-action Spider-Man movies, as its set (otherwise pointlessly) in 2003, allowing the screenwriters to incorporate a Britney Spears song as if it was timely and also (I guess) allowing Dakota to be somewhat older (though probably still just a foxy 45 year old) when Spider-Man himself starts swingin'. Most bizarrely, Dakota's proteges never appear in costume EXCEPT in brief FLASH-FORWARDS to....... a future entry in the franchise! (Always smart to lay a two-hour foundation for something that barely anyone is interested in seeing to begin with.)

To MADAME WEB's credit, there are actually multiple brief bursts of well-directed suspense and/or action, including a surprisingly effective use of that Britney song. Dakota is a more compelling lead than her mother, anyways; Zosia Mamet shows up for several scenes as a plot device, but I'm not complaining; and Adam Scott  :bluesad: delivers what is probably his least punchable performance to date, though of course he's no patch on either Martin Sheen nor Cliff Robertson. All those qualified kudos ultimately amount to little, however, in the face of one preposterously improbable plot contrivance after another hollow dialogic inanity. While it's shot and produced with some panache, you'd have to harken back to the pre-IRON MAN era to find another superhero film this poorly and senselessly written. In fact I was reasonably convinced that MADAME WEB was the first Avengersverse film scripted entirely by A.I., until the closing (and only) credits announce five count 'em FIVE human screenwriters. You know what, if this is what you get after paying five screenwriters to write a movie, maybe A.I. is the right way for studios to go...

Still, it was better than MORBIUS.
2/5

At the climactic moment when Johnson becomes "Madame Web", she is laying on blacktop next to a giant "210" in white paint....... baldly nerd-signaling towards the character's first appearance in AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #210. I guess this is what 21st century Cinema has come to!

THE BELIEVER'S HEAVEN (1977): Having threatened unbelievers with the torments of Hell in his last two films, Estus Pirkle describes heaven in this sermon interrupted by questionable amateur Bible reenactments, icky musical numbers, and trotting out disabled people to point out how they'd be cured in the afterlife. THE BELIEVER'S HEAVEN is much duller than THE BURNING HELL, which is perhaps why they take a brief trip to Hell at the end to relieve the tedium. The first forty minutes or so are a complete waste of time; the singing dwarf, however, is unforgettable, and really belongs in a David Lynch movie. I think Pirkle had zero charisma--maybe that's why he relied almost entirely on fearmongering and freak-show antics to keep his congregation engaged. 1/5.

Street Knight (1993)

The last film Cannon Pictures made I believe.

Quote from: M.10rda on May 14, 2024, 03:46:03 PM
Don and Melanie's daughter is braced by three teenager girls: the Latina (underwritten) is a newer character named "Silk" (though she's never referred as this onscreen) who had her own comic for a while a couple years ago; the redhead (also underdeveloped) was the second Spider-Woman for a bit in the late 80s and then much later took on the "Madame Web" name but remained more or less obscure; and the black girl (supremely annoying as written and played) is no one I've ever seen or heard of in a book.

The black girl was a VERY short lived Spider-Woman in the comics, who actually started out pretending to be Spider-MAN when Peter briefly retired.   She's white in the comics. 

Deadly DILF (2023) -( before I get into the hyperbole, it's an unimaginative Fatal Attraction imitation. Bottom line: that's all it is. )

Wow, I can't believe I finally made it through one of TUBI's "urban" offerings. I got 1/3 of the way through Plug Love and about the same with Lot Lizards. A stupid idiot Dad has a one off with the babysitter, who then becomes a crazy, but clever, stalker. Generally being no help at all are the guy's likeable but also stupid brother and gorgeous but oblivious wife. The director of Jersey Shore Shark Attack loads this with cliches, unexplained stuff ( how did he manage to give her the drug that caused her to fail the drug test???) that probably just got cut out to make the run time, and hot biracial chicks who keep all their clothes on so why even bother having them look so good?  

Yet, there is a kernal of believability in all of it. The Dad does seem like kind of a dummy, and the wife's control of their finances would be genuinely emasculating. Just a kernal, though. Also what happened to the gay best friend? It was colorful and entertaining for the first 1/3 (that number again) but I had to power through the rest.  

2.5 /5 they did nothing with the well worn concept here, but it is "so bad it's good" in places

Quote from: chainsaw midget on May 17, 2024, 10:57:54 AM

Quote from: M.10rda on May 14, 2024, 03:46:03 PM
Don and Melanie's daughter is braced by three teenager girls: the Latina (underwritten) is a newer character named "Silk" (though she's never referred as this onscreen) who had her own comic for a while a couple years ago; the redhead (also underdeveloped) was the second Spider-Woman for a bit in the late 80s and then much later took on the "Madame Web" name but remained more or less obscure; and the black girl (supremely annoying as written and played) is no one I've ever seen or heard of in a book.

The black girl was a VERY short lived Spider-Woman in the comics, who actually started out pretending to be Spider-MAN when Peter briefly retired.   She's white in the comics. 

I don't mind that they made her black, but was she so aggressively insufferable in the comics?

The Last Kumite (2024)

A karate champion is forced into an illegal underground fight tournament to save his kidnapped daughter.

This German martial arts film is a blatant homage to Bloodsport (1988) and 1990s direct-to-video fight flicks, made by fans for fans. It brings together a nostalgia-heavy cast, including Matthias Hues as the villain, Billy Blanks and Cynthia Rothrock as the hero's mentors, and German martial artist/stuntman Mathis Landwehr in the lead role. The film also throws in Kurt McKinney (No Retreat, No Surrender), Michel and Abdel Qissi (regulars in Van Damme films), German action choreographer Mike Möller, martial arts YouTuber David Kurzhal, and a few lesser-known German fighters. The final "boss" opponent is played by Mike D. Vecchio from the German Wrestling Federation, who looks like Seann William Scott after an all-steroid diet.

So, is it any good? Well, it's no worse—or better—than your average bad '90s DTV martial arts sequel. The movie takes itself seriously, with Hues delivering some laughably bad acting moments and Rothrock getting an oddly unnecessary final scene where she kicks a downed, bleeding guy in the head—because, you know, he flipped her off. Classy. The fights are serviceable, though the big final showdown between Landwehr and Vecchio is massively underwhelming. Landwehr gets a quick beatdown, has a sudden epiphany/motivation boost, and then wins way too easily. They try to make it feel epic with a few slow-motion shots, but the fight itself is short and forgettable. Worse yet, it's constantly interrupted by a secondary fight that somehow lasts longer than the main event. Who thought that was a good idea?

A proper villain beatdown is martial arts movie rule #1, and The Last Kumite completely drops the ball here. There's also a semi-cheesy theme song, because of course there is. The film had a brief theatrical run in May 2024 (mostly fan screenings) before heading to streaming and physical media, and judging by its low IMDb rating, most viewers weren't impressed. While it has a few moments of mild entertainment, the non-fighting scenes are dull beyond belief.

Real-world rating: ★☆☆☆☆ (Poor) – Won't stimulate your intellect. Just guys punching each other.
Fan rating: ★★☆☆☆ (Barely passable) – A solid final beatdown could have easily bumped it to a ★★★☆☆ (Good).

On a side note, and no judgment here—we all get older—but the only cast member who actually aged well is Billy Blanks. I want whatever anti-aging serum he's been taking.

Thanks for posting that one! I remember when "kumite" was just a funny-sounding word that David Letterman would sprinkle into Top 10 lists now and then for a cheap laff. Good to know (I guess!) that it's enjoying its own legacy...!

It's alright for what it is. I feel like a little wink-with-the-eye humor wouldn't have hurt, but according to Last Kumite interviews I've seen on YouTube, the majority of German fans who grew up with 1990s martial arts b-movies don't like to be made fun of  :buggedout:

THE 39 STRIPES (1979): Religious testimony based on the life of a man who came to Jesus in prison. It could've really been a great anti-establishment movie a la COOL HAND LUKE, sympathetic to the plight of the oppressed prisoner, but it's too blindly focused on getting to the conversion; it treats all the prison drama as necessary to pad out the film to 60 minutes. Strange how the pious warden condones all that vile, sadistic torture in his institution. Who would've thought the Ormonds would make even worse movies without the input of Estus Pirkle? 0.5/5.

IT'S ABOUT THE SECOND COMING (1982): Preachers explain what will happen during the End Times and a disco-dancing hedonist with an Eric Estrada haircut imagines himself rejecting the Mark of the Beast; a lot of Biblical re-enactments are scattered throughout, almost at random. Tim Ormond takes over the backyard Biblical epic business from his departed father Ron, with the same sort of disordered scripting but more focus on STAR WARS-inspired special effects: this one has laser beams! And the destruction of Nebuchadnezzar's statue by an explosive asteroid is nearly impressive. It's actually the most entertaining of the Ormond's work since IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU. Watchable as a bad movie, in normal terms it's a 1.5/5.

I watched Werewolf by Night. 

It's short with not a lot of time for characterization, but it's got it's moments.  Man-Thing's appearances are great, and how Ulysses Bloodstone set up a machine to play marionette with his own corpse is nicely creepy.  The black and white was also a nice little nod to the classics of old horror. 

If I had a complaint theough it would be that for a movie called Werewolf by Night, there's not a lot of werewolf in it.

Yeah. So many of the recent Marvel movies are falling into that same trap. MADAME WEB = two-hour trailer for a sequel we may never receive (and that's fine) where the main character is actually called "Madame Web" and she actually leads an actual team of actually-costumed actual superheroes. I haven't seen WEREWOLF BY NIGHT yet but I imagine you and most other folks were hoping to watch a movie about a werewolf, not a movie about a guy named "Jack Russell".

THE SACRED SYMBOL (1984): A lecturer at an "Adventurer's Club" shows footage from around the world--snake charmers, a man on a bed of nails, Filipino flagellants--which for some reason convinces listeners that Christianity is the One True Religion. A lazy and senseless attempt at a Christian "mondo" movie, which blessedly marked the end of the Ormond Organization's cinematic mission. 0.5/5.

That pretty much wraps up the Ormond box set for me, although there are a few remaining extra features. I can hardly believe I subjected myself to this, I must be a real masochist. There are good bad-movie moments in the pre-Christian movies, with THE EXOTIC ONES being a worthy bad movie. IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU is a must see for bad movie fans, and the other Christian movies have goofy moments scattered throughout, though they'd probably feature better on a mixtape--even though they're all about an hour long, watching them can be a chore. Oh well, on to the Coffin Joe boxset soon enough, which I expect to enjoy on a much more sincere level.

Quote from: M.10rda on May 21, 2024, 04:39:17 PM
Yeah. So many of the recent Marvel movies are falling into that same trap. MADAME WEB = two-hour trailer for a sequel we may never receive (and that's fine) where the main character is actually called "Madame Web" and she actually leads an actual team of actually-costumed actual superheroes. I haven't seen WEREWOLF BY NIGHT yet but I imagine you and most other folks were hoping to watch a movie about a werewolf, not a movie about a guy named "Jack Russell".

If they had called the movie Bloodstone, I don't think there would have been any complaints.  In fact, I'd guess that people would actually praise the inclusion of Werewolf by Night in that case.

A TRIBUTE TO HOUDINI (1987): Magician John Calvert performs a set (with some additional footage), of which only a couple of tricks evoke Houdini. Calvert isn't bad, but this is nothing special; best part is vintage footage of a young Mickey Rooney as an audience plant. Not really a bad movie, but it's an extra in the Ormond set so... 2/5.

JUNE CARR: THE VIRTUAL VAUDEVILLIAN (1987): An aged June Carr performs a few vaudeville routines in front of a clumsy green screen, with clips of her glory days acting alongside Bob Hope and Lash Larue. Intended by Tim Ormond as a tribute to his mother, who was more talented than her work with the Ormond Organization would lead you to believe, it's sweet but not especially engaging; on the plus side, she doesn't mention Jesus once. Another Ormond box set extra, only 30 minutes. 2/5.

DOPPELGGANGER aka JOURNEY TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE SUN (1969):
One of the best things about getting older and having an immense stockpile of unwatched movies is that (increasingly) I stumble upon titles that I have no recollection of acquiring and positively no recollection whatsoever of ever hearing about or reading about in the past. JTTFSOTS - or its working title DOPPELGANGER, which I might as well use for the sake of (lol) simplicity - is one such amusing discovery. I just wish it was a better film!

Universal Pictures funded (and domestically distributed) this opulent UK production that can only have been greenlit in the wake of the success of Kubrick's 2001, which seems to have directly inspired at least a few moments in this DOPPELGANGER. Directed by Robert Parrish, who also helmed the attractive and totally nutty CASINO ROYALE '67, DOPPELGANGER truly looks like a million bucks, and I mean that in 1969 pounds sterling. The dialogue (by British kids-show creator Gerry Anderson) is generally intelligent and the acting is mostly solid, though leading man Roy Thinnes has about as much charisma as the marionettes that headlined Anderson's TV projects. So what's the problem?

The first problem is the pacing. I guess in 1969 audiences were still fascinated enough by space travel to potentially sit still for ten to fifteen minute sequences of astronauts flipping switches, pushing buttons, gazing out portals, and mostly sitting still. A decade later, I know for sure that tastes had changed, 'cause I remember (even as a small child) how folks would complain about the languorous and uneventful launching and docking sequences in STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE, and actually I still see people complaining about those scenes today, and yet DOPPELGANGER makes ST:TMP look like TETSUO THE IRON MAN. I don't have a clock on my DVD player and lost track of the time while watching DOPPELGANGER, and would swear to you it was no less than two hours long or longer. Nope - only 101 minutes.

The other problem with DOPPELGANGER could have been an appealing feature: the premise is so daft it seems like a natural hoot. Following a lengthy prologue where Herbert Lom plays a man with one cybernetic eye who has nothing to do with the rest of the plot, a bunch of British eggheads (led by shouty jerk Ian Hendry) enlist Thinnes to fly "to the far side of the sun" and try to identify a previously unspotted planet that seems to occupy Earth's orbit. After a loooooooong trip (they don't call it "the far side" for nothin', I guess), Thinnes returns to Earth with the inexplicable ability to read handwriting in a mirror.  :question: That's right. (Hendry is completed puzzled.) If you've ever seen an episode of anything Rod Serling created or wrote, you can probably see DOPPELGANGER's twist coming from half a running time away. Should I spoil it? Okay.

*SPOILERS*
Yeah, Thinnes doesn't "return" to Earth, he arrives at a parallel Earth on the opposite side of the sun, where everything is exactly the same, EXCEPT it's....... backwards. Yup. I mean literally reversed. It's Bizarro Superman's dimension, but less fun. Thinnes' bathroom is on the opposite side of his front foyer, the light switch is on the opposite side of the bathroom door, British people drive on the wrong side of the road and American drive on the right side ('cause it's a UK production, natch)....... scientists write in English but backwards... ad nauseam infinitum.
*END SPOILER*

Okay, that could be fun, right? Nah. Anderson insists on taking the high road and denies us even a broad, schticky "You maniacs!" type reveal from the end of PLANET OF THE APES. The climax of DOPPELGANGER is understated to a fault. You ever watch one of the Shyalaman films that DON'T have a climactic "ah-hah" twist... like THE HAPPENING? Yeah, DOPPELGANGER feels like that: academic and deeply unsatisfying.

DOPPELGANGER has no sex or blood, but it does contain discussion of contraception and adultery; a fairly discreet scene of Thinnes joining his naked wife in the shower; Thinnes later slugging his wife in the face (!); and the kind of bleak ending that was de rigueur in the late 60s and 70s. It required cuts in the UK to avoid an X rating but it was rated G in the US! The MPAA ratings board never made any Goddamn sense.

2.5/5

The one consistent source of amusement here is that Thinnes' character is named "Glen Ross", so if you're not above doing Rifftrax in your living room, that's something.

^ I seen that on TV in 1973. Don't remember it all that well- IE it sucked.

Speaking of sucks- SSSSSSS (1973)

Christ. The only fairly decent part was the monster make-up. STUPID! Not in a "Fun bad movie time!" Stupid. Just stupid stupid.
Strother Martin turns Dirk Benedict into a snake. Not even a giant snake! The guy shrinks into a snake. FX are BAD too.
Uh! Why? WHY?

Daughter of the Mind (1969 Made for TV) - It's not quite as bad as some of the movies in this thread, but very underwhelmed by this one. I didn't expect a TV movie would be this crappy. What was the point?

The hook here is the ghost scenes, a guy's daughter apparently coming back from the dead to warn him about stuff. Maybe it was state of the art in 1969, but it looks pretty silly now. A 1920's style seance brings further shenanigans along these lines. Ed Asner and some other guy are detectives investigating the whole thing. There's even a cold war angle because the guy is a government scientist.

What made it even worse was having to sit through a "Creature Feature" type show someone (recently) made around it. There's an interview with one of the actresses so I guess if you are really curious you could watch that, but I just wanted to see the movie. It's a Scooby Doo type plot and has an utterly baffling number of superlative IMDB reviews *. The lead detective guy was competent enough and interesting title, I guess.

*edit: I think the image of the ghost child stuck out in a lot of young viewers minds.

2/5

(https://i0.wp.com/www.kindertrauma.com/images/art2/pamraygenesunday1.jpg?w=640&ssl=1)

Quote from: lester1/2jr on June 01, 2024, 03:00:40 PM
Daughter of the Mind (1969 Made for TV) - It's not quite as bad as some of the movies in this thread, but very underwhelmed by this one. I didn't expect a TV movie would be this crappy. What was the point?

The hook here is the ghost scenes, a guy's daughter apparently coming back from the dead to warn him about stuff. Maybe it was state of the art in 1969, but it looks pretty silly now. A 1920's style seance brings further shenanigans along these lines. Ed Asner and some other guy are detectives investigating the whole thing. There's even a cold war angle because the guy is a government scientist.

What made it even worse was having to sit through a "Creature Feature" type show someone (recently) made around it. There's an interview with one of the actresses so I guess if you are really curious you could watch that, but I just wanted to see the movie. It's a Scooby Doo type plot and has an utterly baffling number of superlative IMDB reviews *. The lead detective guy was competent enough and interesting title, I guess.

*edit: I think the image of the ghost child stuck out in a lot of young viewers minds.

2/5

(https://i0.wp.com/www.kindertrauma.com/images/art2/pamraygenesunday1.jpg?w=640&ssl=1)

^ I seen that on TV in 1969. Scared the s**t outta me. I was 7.
Later on the ghost girl- Pamyla Ferdin- would be in the TOOLBOX MURDERS (1978)

Yeah I think the opening scene in particular stuck with people, but the rest of the movie doesn't keep up

THE CAREY TREATMENT (1972):
I was on the bubble about this one but the fact is I've been posting TOO MANY REVIEWS in the "Good" Recent Viewings section so I'll review this mediocre flick here to keep this thread alive.  :teddyr:

This is the only serious movie I've ever seen that's directed by Blake Edwards, "auteur" of the PINK PANTHER franchise and helmsman of many silly sex comedies. I guess it's still on-brand for him as it focuses on reproductive health and drug abuse against the backdrop of the sexual revolution. James Coburn plays crusading silver fox doctor Peter Carey, who takes occasional breaks from romancing married ladies to attempt to clear the name of another physician friend who's accused of fatally botching an abortion on the fourteen year old daughter of their hospital's CMO. (Phew!) In my childhood I only remembered Coburn as a grouchy elderly man sleepwalking through supporting roles, and when he won the BSA Oscar for AFFLICTION I was rather livid. Critics assured me however that this was a career honor based on Coburn's fine work in his relative youth. I guess they were talking about movies like CAREY TREATMENT? He's fine, I guess - he swings his long arms around at least as much as he swings w/ co-star Jennifer O'Neill and he's reasonably affable to watch, but I still wouldn't give him an Oscar.

The supporting cast has that lowbrow trivial appeal of so many 70s flicks: Dan O'Herlihy (later Andrew Packard on TWIN PEAKS) is the victim's father, James Hong (of BLADE RUNNER and a hundred others) is the unjustly accused doctor, and John Hillerman (TV's "Higgins") and Robert Mandan (later a lead on SOAP) are the medical examiners. Perennial portrayer of flatfoots Pat Hingle plays a schizophrenic alcoholic transsexual who's obsessed with Coburn - no, of course he doesn't, he plays yet another cop. And bug-eyed Michael Blodgett (Lance Rocke in BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS) auditions for Michael Ironside's role in VISITING HOURS ten years later when he briefly attempts to turn the film's climax into a slasher thriller... but, alas, is unsuccessful at causing too much legitimate mayhem or excitement.

Honestly Edwards has a perfectly steady hand for drama - respectable if not accomplished. Although I'm no prude, I still could've done w/o the boob shot of the fourteen year old corpse!

2.5/5

The highlight is a gratuitous sequence where Coburn starts racing his wood-paneled station wagon through traffic and then leaps a drawbridge with it. The station wagon survives. I used to drive a woody as an irresponsible hothead teenager and I assure you - not likely!  :bouncegiggle:

^ I read the book because it takes place in Boston where I live. I liked it, but I didn't make it through much of the movie.

I don't care quite enough to confirm this but it did look like they shot some exteriors in Southern California.  :bouncegiggle: ...Which looks identical to Boston, of course.

ROYAL FLASH (1975):
Michael Hordern (appearing in the second film I've watched this week) introduces Captain Sir Harry Flashman (Malcolm McDowell) to a military academy as a British hero famed for his exploits in the Middle East, intercut w/ a colorful brief sequence of Flashman surrendering in shame to some Afghans before narrowly escaping an explosion that wipes them out. These three pre-credits minutes are probably the highlight of ROYAL FLASH and after this scene Hordern f***ks off to a better film while McDowell gamely sticks it out for another 90 or so minutes of extremely lame slapstick.

McDowell's "Harry Flashman" was a supporting character in a popular 19th century novel. Oliver Reed (passable here) and Florinda Balkan (unimpressive away from Italian horror) also appear as historical Europeans Otto Von Bismarck and Lola Montes. It boggles the smarts that 20th Century Fox would endorse this unlikely combination of hundred year old literary adaptation, historical fiction, and BENNY HILL-caliber sex farce.

Maybe it makes more sense though that Richard Lester, late of the first two Beatles films and two inane MUSKETEERS movies but still biding time until the second and third SUPERMANs, would decide this was right up his alley. There's a lot of dueling and a lot of comedy pratfalls! McDowell and bad guy Alan Bates are obviously doing most or all of their own sword-fighting and stunts, which is impressive, though it doesn't translate into actual entertainment. It's also impressive how many names and recognizable faces Lester got to show up and embarrass themselves. It's nice to see career character actors Tom Bell and Lionel Jeffries get a lot of screentime as evil henchmen. Alastair Sim also shows up briefly. A young Bob Hoskins is apparently in there somewhere though I was too tuned out to spot him.  There are others I won't bother to mention.

Oh, Elke Sommer gives a completely mannequin-like performance that was probably intended as a joke, therefore I suppose we could credit her for a good performance or credit Lester for perfect casting. I believe some people somewhere really like this flick and maybe if you're in the mood for it, you will too. I wasn't and didn't!

2/5

Quote from: M.10rda on July 07, 2024, 08:37:53 PMROYAL FLASH (1975):
Michael Hordern (appearing in the second film I've watched this week) introduces Captain Sir Harry Flashman (Malcolm McDowell) to a military academy as a British hero famed for his exploits in the Middle East, intercut w/ a colorful brief sequence of Flashman surrendering in shame to some Afghans before narrowly escaping an explosion that wipes them out. These three pre-credits minutes are probably the highlight of ROYAL FLASH and after this scene Hordern f***ks off to a better film while McDowell gamely sticks it out for another 90 or so minutes of extremely lame slapstick.

McDowell's "Harry Flashman" was a supporting character in a popular 19th century novel. Oliver Reed (passable here) and Florinda Balkan (unimpressive away from Italian horror) also appear as historical Europeans Otto Von Bismarck and Lola Montes. It boggles the smarts that 20th Century Fox would endorse this unlikely combination of hundred year old literary adaptation, historical fiction, and BENNY HILL-caliber sex farce.

Maybe it makes more sense though that Richard Lester, late of the first two Beatles films and two inane MUSKETEERS movies but still biding time until the second and third SUPERMANs, would decide this was right up his alley. There's a lot of dueling and a lot of comedy pratfalls! McDowell and bad guy Alan Bates are obviously doing most or all of their own sword-fighting and stunts, which is impressive, though it doesn't translate into actual entertainment. It's also impressive how many names and recognizable faces Lester got to show up and embarrass themselves. It's nice to see career character actors Tom Bell and Lionel Jeffries get a lot of screentime as evil henchmen. Alastair Sim also shows up briefly. A young Bob Hoskins is apparently in there somewhere though I was too tuned out to spot him.  There are others I won't bother to mention.

Oh, Elke Sommer gives a completely mannequin-like performance that was probably intended as a joke, therefore I suppose we could credit her for a good performance or credit Lester for perfect casting. I believe some people somewhere really like this flick and maybe if you're in the mood for it, you will too. I wasn't and didn't!

2/5

I haven't seen, but what you describe sounds like a lavish version of a Carry On movie.

Quote from: Dr. Whom on July 08, 2024, 01:01:22 AM

Quote from: M.10rda on July 07, 2024, 08:37:53 PMROYAL FLASH (1975):

I haven't seen, but what you describe sounds like a lavish version of a Carry On movie.

That's exactly right.  :bluesad: "Fnarr fnarr" aplenty.

about to watch CRITTERS 4.

 my only previous viewing of this about 15 years ago resulted in me declaring it to be the most boring movie ever made... but I have just done a rewatch of parts 1, 2 and 3 in the last week, so for the sake of completion I will now endure it again.

ok I'm less than 1/2 way through and it really is absurdly uneventful. maybe they should've pitched it as some avant garde minimalist allegory of 'the vacuum of space'...

it also has nothing to do with the actual critters?

Which is the one w/ DiCaprio?

Quote from: M.10rda on July 08, 2024, 08:58:43 PMWhich is the one w/ DiCaprio?

Part 3... which isn't really worth the CRITTERS name either. the first 2 movies are the only ones which really seem to have any idea what they are.

young Leonard has a rather sweary role for a kid in part 3, I thought.

I've now been hit with a sudden and vaguely troubling urge to watch all the CHILD'S PLAY movies. from memory I don't really like the first 3 that much (not seen the rest), but I'm going through this weird semi-forced nostalgia phase lately...  :question:

So I got intrigued by Royal Flash, and watched some clips. It really is lavish, what with all the extras, the costumes, the locations... Yet as far the script and well, comedy in general is concerned, there is very little there. Even with these YT clips, which I assume are the best parts, scenes are needlessly drawn out and jokes are few and far between. Considering how little they had to work with, all the cast is doing an excellent job.

It is almost as if someone said to the studio 'You know that Barry Lyndon epic that Kubrick is working on? What if we did a slapstick version?'

The resemblance of Alan Bates to Terry Jones here is distracting as well.

Richard Lester was capable of commanding and marshalling big budgets and McDowell was still a very happening actor. Seems like a classic case of enough acting talent and money being involved that no one figured they needed a good script. The very first scene in Afghanistan does look and feel like either a Monty Python sketch or an outtake from HELP! The rest of it just looks like Benny Hill or a CARRY ON flick as you said...

13FANBOY (2022):
A vicious serial killer or killers target (mostly minor/forgettable) actors from the F13 franchise plus Dee Wallace Stone, who was never in an F13 film and presumably could still live comfortably off E.T. residuals and yet somehow agreed to play a large supporting role in this crowdfunded crap. Corey Feldman also appears in a few scenes though not (puzzlingly) as "Corey Feldman", star of F13s part 4 and 6, which seems like a huge missed opportunity.

The writer/producer/director is the confusingly named Deborah Voorhees, who apparently played "Tina" in PART 5, maybe (I don't recall her at all) and appears briefly here as the second victim. I'm all for female filmmakers in horror but Voorhees just delivers all the same sexual objectification, misogyny, and sadism towards women that any old male director would deliver, or possibly more. The very attractive Hayley Greenbauer plays Voorhees' final girl grand(?)daughter, "Kelsey Voorhees", who has a gratuitous shower scene, a highly gratuitous ass shot in a g-string, and then a topless sex scene all within the first 15 minutes. Most oldschool F13s made horny teen boys wait at least 30-45 minutes to see any boobies. Also, D. Voorhees is just plain bad at writing and directing. 13 FANBOY is more distractingly dumb than any OG F13... yes, it's even worse than TAKES MANHATTAN.

This was Madame's selection and she made it to the end, in spite of constant (justified) complaining.
0.5/5

She only made it through 30 minutes of EXORCIST: BELIEVER last week and the first 40 minutes of that film was the good part!  :question:

Quote from: M.10rda on July 14, 2024, 07:22:38 AMyes, it's even worse than TAKES MANHATTAN.

that's my favourite F13 I'll have you know  :twirl:

parts 3, 5, and 7 are in joint 2nd place

not heard of this, but yeah just the entire self-serving premise sounds repellent

there is too much back-slapping in the nostalgia scene

I've got no right to judge... to each their own... I used to think they were all just about equally bad besides VI and X but from a sober perspective they all offer something or other of value. Except maybe MANHATTAN, that one's super dumb.  :wink: J/K.

haha I get it... I really do.  but something about that movie entrances me from start to end. it just looks so cheap, yet so glossy as the same time (quite a few movies from that timeframe have a similar look?). it's my comfort food movie. also has possibly the greatest theme song of any 80s film (metropolis - darkest side of the night)

ok I'll stop before I end up with 18 paragraphs.

Zulu Dawn: haven't seen it for a very long time.

ENTER THE DRAG DRAGON (2023): A kung fu proficient drag-queen detective investigates a missing dog, which leads to a missing treasure, an Aztec mummy, and zombies. Troma-style spoof with ridiculous costumes, fakey gore, groaner jokes, comically bad karate, and nunchuck dildos; essentially inoffensive and fast-paced enough to entertain. 2.5/5

Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 15, 2024, 12:43:38 PMENTER THE DRAG DRAGON (2023):

bit clumsy...ENTER THE DRAG-ON, surely?  :smile:


HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES (1996)

only HELLRAISER I've not seen yet... HELLRAISER in space!! was reliably informed that although it may be bad, at least it's never boring!

at 1 hour mark I was forced to conclude it's bad because it's boring.

HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD (2007) , the cheesiest entry, remains my fav of the series although tbh I'm not a fan of any of them much. watching them has been more an excercise in just ticking off horror franchise boxes. what's in the box?!?!?

Operation Delta Force (1997): I forgot how unintentionally funny this South African made film is 🥴😆😆😆😆

STRANGE HOSTEL OF NAKED PLEASURES (1976): Some cultists in negligees conduct a ritual to resurrect Coffin Joe, who immediately starts an inn where gamblers, cheaters, hippies and other reprobates can check in to get naked (and get their comeuppances). Joe takes a lot of reservations and squints a lot, but never tries to sire a child with an immoral superwoman. You're kind of losing your focus here, Joe... 2/5.

HELLISH FLESH (1977): A wife and her lover plot to kill her scientist husband, but leave him disfigured instead; oddly, he appears to forgive them. Jose Mojica Marins directs a macabre melodrama in a trashy giallo style: despite being made at the dawn of disco, this has a cool, modish Swinging Sixties feel. Fans of eye surgery will be delighted. 2.5/5.

Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 18, 2024, 09:41:19 AM]Fans of eye surgery will be delighted. 2.5/5.

 :bouncegiggle:

SPACE MUTINY (1988):
Following recent discussion of this, I felt like I should check it out and pitch in my two cents, got less than 15 minutes into the regular version and decided I'd better switch to the MST3K version, then shortly into that version Pearl showed up and I seriously considered switching right back to the vanilla edition.

Anyway, the movie itself: amusing use of "found" footage that they must have licensed or else - how is this movie even available? Hilarious that they just go ahead and call the female lead "Leia" and she even looks like Carrie Fisher w/ a bad bleach job. I did like that brunette Lieutenant from the first third of the film a lot more than I liked Leia - she seemed like a competent actress and Lieutenant. The famous guys all give bad performances though it is funny to watch Cameron Mitchell even try to project gravitas while dressed like Disco Kringle. The action (quote-unquote?) finally yields a little excitement in the last stretch though honestly this would've been torture w/o the riffs.

Okay, the Rev asserted in another thread that Pearl Forrester improved after her first season. That may be objectively true but I'm confident SPACE MUTINY isn't Season 1 Pearl and I still just can't even. When I see Pearl, Bobo, the Overseer, and/or (most often) all three, I suffer a severe physical aversion. When it comes to sketch segments, my team is and will always be Joel, Clay, Frank, and Trace as Crow. After Season 7, the FF button gets a workout during sketches. The riffing is still good though, but the funniest line is in the actual movie, regarding security on the spacecraft. "No one can enter her and no one can leave her." Huh, I used to know a few girls like that.

2/5
I coulda' been a contender!  :teddyr:

Quote from: M.10rda on July 21, 2024, 08:46:12 AMSPACE MUTINY (1988):
I did like that brunette Lieutenant from the first third of the film a lot more than I liked Leia - she seemed like a competent actress and Lieutenant.

Plus, she got brutally killed and went right back to working her desk job!

HALLUCINATIONS OF A DERANGED MIND (1978): A psychiatrist with a deranged mind suffers the delusion that Coffin Joe wants to take away his fiancee, and hallucinates a clip show of scenes from previous Coffin Joe movies. If all you want is randomly assembled psychedelic scenes of tarantulas crawling over half naked women and faces painted on asses while a man with stovepipe hat and nine-inch fingernails laughs maniacally, with minimal filler, then you'll find this surrealist exploitation at its finest. 3/5.

EMBODIMENT OF EVIL (2008): Coffin Joe gets out of the insane asylum after a 40-year sentence and immediately goes back to killing and torturing Brazilians, while whining about not finding a woman superior enough bear his child. It has good makeup and a few brilliant moments--like the half-woman birthing tarantulas from her disemboweled torso--but the modern B-movie style doesn't suit Coffin Joe well: some out-of-place CGI, and too much emphasis on torture porn to the exclusion of atmosphere. 2/5.

Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 21, 2024, 09:19:03 AM

Quote from: M.10rda on July 21, 2024, 08:46:12 AMSPACE MUTINY (1988):

Plus, she got brutally killed and went right back to working her desk job!

Now that's professionalism!

DEATH PROMISE (1977):
I followed up SPACE MUTINY w/ the Rifftrax edition of this late 70s kung fu film that I thought was a different late 70s kung fu film w/ zombies and the devil. (I still can't recall what the heck movie I was thinking of but this one has no zombies or the devil.) DEATH EXPRESS has a diverse cast of guys in goofy 70s hairstyles (including a black guy who starts the movie w/ a cool fro but ends the movie in a lame cross between cornrows and a jheri curl) fighting to save a single rundown tenement building and avenge some murdered family members. This single rundown tenement building is the focus of a vast conspiracy run by five wealthy NYC businessmen/politicians who seem like they should have bigger fish to fry, as well as (per the final plot twist) at least one international criminal syndicate that absolutely has better things to worry about than a rent strike in NYC. That final plot twist does a MONSTER-A-GO-GO / OCEANS TWELVE-style job on the logic of one of the main storylines, as well.

DEATH PROMISE is a pretty bad movie but I enjoyed it more than I enjoy many better-produced Asian martial arts films of the same era, because by the late 70s the Shaws et al had the formula down to a science and thus, while competent, I find most late 70s/early 80s Chinese kung fu movies to be quite dull. Cheap American imitations like DEATH PROMISE are relatively inept but everyone onstage (non-Asian guys and Asian Americans alike) are all so enthusiastic about kicking each other that they manage to transcend their modest abilities through sheer pluck, like Mickey and Judy in those old "Let's put on a show, kids!" flicks. You're also more likely to get some twisted embellishments in these cheapo American joints, like a bad guy who gets a sack of rats tied to his head. It's scarcely a believable effect but it sure is funny.

2.5/5
The riffs are good too.

Quote from: M.10rda on July 21, 2024, 08:46:12 AMSPACE MUTINY (1988):
Following recent discussion of this, I felt like I should check it out and pitch in my two cents, got less than 15 minutes into the regular version and decided I'd better switch to the MST3K version, then shortly into that version Pearl showed up and I seriously considered switching right back to the vanilla edition.

Anyway, the movie itself: amusing use of "found" footage that they must have licensed or else - how is this movie even available? Hilarious that they just go ahead and call the female lead "Leia" and she even looks like Carrie Fisher w/ a bad bleach job. I did like that brunette Lieutenant from the first third of the film a lot more than I liked Leia - she seemed like a competent actress and Lieutenant. The famous guys all give bad performances though it is funny to watch Cameron Mitchell even try to project gravitas while dressed like Disco Kringle. The action (quote-unquote?) finally yields a little excitement in the last stretch though honestly this would've been torture w/o the riffs.

Okay, the Rev asserted in another thread that Pearl Forrester improved after her first season. That may be objectively true but I'm confident SPACE MUTINY isn't Season 1 Pearl and I still just can't even. When I see Pearl, Bobo, the Overseer, and/or (most often) all three, I suffer a severe physical aversion. When it comes to sketch segments, my team is and will always be Joel, Clay, Frank, and Trace as Crow. After Season 7, the FF button gets a workout during sketches. The riffing is still good though, but the funniest line is in the actual movie, regarding security on the spacecraft. "No one can enter her and no one can leave her." Huh, I used to know a few girls like that.

2/5
I coulda' been a contender!  :teddyr:

I know most of the crew involved in this thing: the cinematographer was a mentor of mine 😳😉🐢

I recently rewatched the Poison Ivy film series and I'm probably gonna get a lot of flack for this, but I'd say Poison Ivy 3 is my favorite of the original three flicks.

While it is the sleaziest, it's also the most consistent in tone and knows what it is and what it's trying to be.

Biggles, adventures in time

I was a bit hesitant about what category I'd put this in, as it is not that bad, but it is something you'd watch only out of curiosity, not entertainment. It is also a prime example of an aspect of filmmaking that baffles me the most: you have something that has an existing fanbase and you want to adapt it into a movie. So you make a movie completely ditches everything why the fans love the original, and just keep some superficial elements. Why bother?

Anyway, this is the story of a 1980s caterer who is the 'time twin' (don't ask) of WW I ace flyer Biggles and keeps popping back and forth between the 1986 and 1917 to stop the Germans from developing a sonic weapon and winning WW I.

The whole thing is just as silly as it sounds. It suffers from having underwritten characters, atrocious comic relief and a main actor with the charisma of a cauliflower (in fairness, it was his first leading role). Also, the whole thing is far too ambitious for its budget, the WW I scenes are clearly cobbled together. It does have a certain appeal, and if you see this at an impressionable age (and preferably unaware of the Biggles books), I can imagine you'd love it.

Quote from: Dr. Whom on August 17, 2024, 03:45:18 AMBiggles, adventures in time

I was a bit hesitant about what category I'd put this in, as it is not that bad, but it is something you'd watch only out of curiosity,

...I have always been very curious about this title, so thank you for reviewing!

Quote from: M.10rda on August 18, 2024, 06:20:30 PM

Quote from: Dr. Whom on August 17, 2024, 03:45:18 AMBiggles, adventures in time

I was a bit hesitant about what category I'd put this in, as it is not that bad, but it is something you'd watch only out of curiosity,

...I have always been very curious about this title, so thank you for reviewing!

It is also the last movie of Peter Cushing, who has more presence than the rest of the cast combined

Hrm. I was aware of the Biggles movie back in the day, but never actually watched it. The movie's description did little to nothing to get me interested.
Quite honestly, I'm still not very interested.

HOLLYWOOD HIGH (1976):
When I was a kid, there was a very brief/dismissive capsule review of ERASERHEAD in one of the major video review bibles... either Leonard Maltin's or another one like that. It read, simply (to paraphrase): "Takes place in a world where everyone is given a lobotomy at birth - nothing else can explain the behavior of the characters in this movie."

Although whoever wrote that about ERASERHEAD is a reductive idiot, I remain amused by the glibness of this review. Hence I apply it now more judiciously to HOLLYWOOD HIGH, 85-ish minutes of driving footage, food fights, impromptu beach volleyball, soft AM format acoustic "rock", and sped-up footage of people falling over when cars speed past them. Also a lot of topless women, which is fine, but in the 21st century we have the internet for that if we really want to see it - no need to subject yourself to this inanity. A great reminder of why I tend to avoid 70s "sex" comedies!

0.5/5

Hy Pike, the horrifying looking and terrible acting bad guy from HACK-O-LANTERN is billed here as "Hy Camp" and plays a Rip Taylor-style gay teacher who chases teenage boys and men in dresses. He might be the best thing about this movie while also being one of the worst things about Cinema, so you do your own math.

never heard of this, but there's 2 short clips on youtube. just watched one of them and feel like I've seen the whole movie... that way of talking dumb, yeah that ERASERHEAD review applies...   reminds me of THE BEACH GIRLS, another excuse for a teen movie where nothing happens.

- of course these kind of movies can be great in the right hands (DAZED & CONFUSED)

 :bouncegiggle: DAZED AND CONFUSED is a legitimate classic! I never even considered it while trying to watch this crap.

yeah maybe a stretch to put it in the same category. haha...

ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY (1945):
The thing that most casual Bad Movie tourists fail to understand is that the bad part of Bela Lugosi movies from the 1940s is never Bela Lugosi. Here's a particularly good example of a bad Bela Lugosi movie where Bela is great. I mean, he's always great, but he looks particularly healthy here, is totally invested, and honestly seems to be having a ton of fun. Yeah, Bela's just playing another mad scientist - however he's not demonic or sadistic or even vengeful here... he's a nice, normal guy who just wants to prove to the world of science that he can create an army of zombies! Bela gets punchlines, he gets to play wacky slapstick opposite a capuchin monkey, he gets to chase characters with a gun and shoot at them, and he even gets to do a few stunts. Really good Bela here!

Actually most of the other actors do a good job, too. The female lead is a spunky Lauren Bacall type; Bela's got a henchman who's pretty funny; and there's a long early scene w/ an amusing elderly (white) professor (a rival of Bela's) and his very amusing assistant, a wry Mantan Moreland type who I hoped would stick around (they don't). So why's this Bad Bela Lugosi Movie bad? Very simply, the top-billed leads - two talentless dullards named Brown and Carney who somehow convinced the producers that they could pull off appealing Abbott & Costello shtick for 70 minutes. They can't - they're black holes of humor and interest.

It doesn't help that they spend half the movie traveling from NYC to Africa (or the Carribbean or - God knows) looking for third-billed Bela, then they find him and don't even have the decency to spend the rest of the movie screwing around w/ him... instead coming back to Broadway to make good on a title that no one cares about anyway. In spite of the cool Mantan Moreland dude and in spite of the main black zombie getting to whup some white ass at the climax, this movie is also pretty freaking racist, w/ lengthy hijinx among tribal natives (ugh) and one of the leads doing an extensive blackface routine.  :hatred: Also, one of the leads plays a character named "Jerry", so people are constantly yelling "Jerry!!!" even more often than Len Lesser aka TV's "Uncle Leo". Y'know what, f**k this stupid film.

2.5/5

But viva Lugosi!

THE PROJECTIONIST (1970):
This is another review that's on the bubble. I think some folks love this film and maybe you will too. It was clearly made w/ thought, love, and some skill, yet I just didn't enjoy it much for a few specific reasons. Mileage may vary!

Chuck McCann is the eponymous wage slave at a beautiful old single screen movie house, where he and the other employees suffer under the cruel supervision of general manager Rodney Dangerfield (!). McCann spends most of his time fantasizing about fantastic exploits as a superhero in B+W sped-up silent film style dream sequences, which often are intercut w/ archival footage from big Hollywood pictures including CASABLANCA, THE MALTESE FALCON, CITIZEN KANE, and many others.

This aspect alone makes THE PROJECTIONIST a real curiosity piece and I'm unsure on how it was ever legally released (whether in 1970 or in the past couple decades on DVD), as the clips frequently surpass the few seconds which would qualify as copyright-free fair use. That said, the long and very broad fantasy sequences are otherwise a real drag imho and the biggest drawback to getting through THE PROJECTIONIST... though, again, it seems like both McCann and the director put a ton of affection into these passages - it just doesn't translate for me. Also, as a guy who both managed movie theaters and projected celluloid in the late 90s and 00s, the sad life of a cinema employee laboring for long hours under brutish employers is quite familiar to me, and THE PROJECTIONIST revived all the depressing aspects of those jobs w/o depicting any of the fun perks! I knew one older guy who was a lot like McCann, too, and he came to a sad and lonely end after a thankless career doing this stuff... so THE PROJECTIONIST, while it endeavors to ennoble the profession, is really just a bummer for me.

But! There are nice touches, like the very opening and ending to the film, and like the supporting performance by Jan Kohout as a beleaguered elderly concessionaire. McCann and Dangerfield also engage in hand-to-hand combat on top of a mountain (!!!), which is something you won't see elsewhere.

2.5/5 subjectively, though an admirable attempt

Dangerfield actually is credible as a serious antagonist and would've been effective in a supporting role in a Scorsese pic, like Don Rickles in CASINO.

we had a thread a while ago about movies where parts from other movies are seen - either being watched on tv, or just incorperated somehow... there are loads obviously, but I don't think that one came up.

I won't spoil it for those interested, but the opening to THE PROJECTIONIST is its most effective instance of incorporating footage from another film. Again, probably worth a look for many of you!

VOODOO MAN (1944):
Another day, another poverty row Bela Lugosi flick. I've seen enough of them now that my fondness and respect for Bela is only ever reinforced, as the guy still hasn't phoned it in once, so far as I've seen. On the other hand, another sympathetic good-humored bad guy performance from Bela isn't any kind of refreshing surprise and will only take you so far in some of these flicks.

The senselessly titled VOODOO MAN doesn't involve any actual "voodoo", though Bela and George Zucco wear goofy sorcerer robes and Zucco seems to perform demonic rituals of some kind. Bela is a (not particularly) mad medical doctor, not a scientist, though somehow he has an invisible microwave beam-type machine that causes cars to break down outside his mansion. His wife has been dead for 22 years but he keeps her perfectly preserved body sitting upright with its eyes open (and she still looks pretty foxy TBH). Bela goes around collecting other foxy dames who might have an "affinity" w/ his wife's spirit and hypnotizes them and makes them stare into his dead wife's dead open eyes while he holds their hands and Zucco chants and gesticulates with a turban on his bald head and John Carradine plays the bongos. Yep, nothing about this film makes much darn sense whatsoever.

William Beaudine directed this two decades before BILLY THE KID VERSUS DRACULA and compared to somnolent stuff like that, Beaudine seems well-caffeinated here. He cuts to multiple angles and focal lengths within scenes and there is even an extreme close-up of a legitimately impressive "special effect" during one of the ceremonies.

Most of the acting is solid though Bela keeps a bunch of weird henchmen around his basement (besides Zucco and Carradine) and those folks look surprised to have a camera pointed at them and legitimately unnerved by the acting styles of the horror icons. Carradine looks young, has great hair, and does an odd shuffle-step as he escorts damsels around their dungeon. Bela is such a perfect gentleman and decent kind of guy when he's not kidnapping ladies that you really feel bad for him at the end. I suspect he sometimes regretted only ever playing villains after about 1940 but he imbues them w/ a lot of potential for the viewer's empathy and that does make some difference. I watched a colorized print from sometime this century (didn't know they did that after like 1985!) and it actually made the darn thing look better than it would've in low-rent B+W.

2/5
Dumb as hell but for a movie titled VOODOO MAN it ain't explicitly racist (like ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY) and it's only an hour.

Battle Beyond the Stars

Some good FX for a low-budget movie. Decent acting. Nice James Horner score. Star Wars mixed with The Magnificent 7 sounds good, but this still fell flat. Why didn't the bad guy just blast their planet when they didn't surrender? And what particular skills do the mercenaries offer?

I may watch it again sometime, since I like space operas, but it's not the best the genre has.

Quote from: M.10rda on August 21, 2024, 08:28:10 AMVOODOO MAN (1944):
Another day, another poverty row Bela Lugosi flick. I've seen enough of them now that my fondness and respect for Bela is only ever reinforced, as the guy still hasn't phoned it in once, so far as I've seen. On the other hand, another sympathetic good-humored bad guy performance from Bela isn't any kind of refreshing surprise and will only take you so far in some of these flicks.

The senselessly titled VOODOO MAN doesn't involve any actual "voodoo", though Bela and George Zucco wear goofy sorcerer robes and Zucco seems to perform demonic rituals of some kind. Bela is a (not particularly) mad medical doctor, not a scientist, though somehow he has an invisible microwave beam-type machine that causes cars to break down outside his mansion. His wife has been dead for 22 years but he keeps her perfectly preserved body sitting upright with its eyes open (and she still looks pretty foxy TBH). Bela goes around collecting other foxy dames who might have an "affinity" w/ his wife's spirit and hypnotizes them and makes them stare into his dead wife's dead open eyes while he holds their hands and Zucco chants and gesticulates with a turban on his bald head and John Carradine plays the bongos. Yep, nothing about this film makes much darn sense whatsoever.

William Beaudine directed this two decades before BILLY THE KID VERSUS DRACULA and compared to somnolent stuff like that, Beaudine seems well-caffeinated here. He cuts to multiple angles and focal lengths within scenes and there is even an extreme close-up of a legitimately impressive "special effect" during one of the ceremonies.

Most of the acting is solid though Bela keeps a bunch of weird henchmen around his basement (besides Zucco and Carradine) and those folks look surprised to have a camera pointed at them and legitimately unnerved by the acting styles of the horror icons. Carradine looks young, has great hair, and does an odd shuffle-step as he escorts damsels around their dungeon. Bela is such a perfect gentleman and decent kind of guy when he's not kidnapping ladies that you really feel bad for him at the end. I suspect he sometimes regretted only ever playing villains after about 1940 but he imbues them w/ a lot of potential for the viewer's empathy and that does make some difference. I watched a colorized print from sometime this century (didn't know they did that after like 1985!) and it actually made the darn thing look better than it would've in low-rent B+W.

2/5
Dumb as hell but for a movie titled VOODOO MAN it ain't explicitly racist (like ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY) and it's only an hour.

Believe it or not- Beuadine directed the Mary Pickford quasi-horror film SPARROWS (1926), which was a  hit, and considered a classic.

Thanks for mentioning that, RC! I had no idea... SPARROWS used to freak me out when I read about it as a kid and I think I finally watched it 20ish years ago but I have little recall about it besides a lot of running around in a swamp towards the end. What do you think of that one?

^I enjoyed it. It had a atmosphere of doom and gloom that was creepy.
About Bela Lugosi's low budget work- I agree Bela is always a shining beacon, turning such drek as the DEVIL BAT (1940), BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT (1942), and the above into a feast of gloating, scowling, and menace. Put anyone else in those films and they would be forgotton and ignored.


(https://i.imgur.com/aLpOQ7n.jpeg) (https://lunapic.com)

I actually entirely enjoy BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT!  :smile:

INTIMATE CONFESSIONS OF A CHINESE COURTESAN (1972):
This period costume melodrama from the Shaws is pretty slow and didn't much engage me for the most part... even w/ occasional digressions into bondage, sexual assault, (discreet) torture, and an unusual (for the era) love/hate dynamic between two female leads. It's all just a bit stagey and rote........ until (hence I bothered to write this brief review) an action-packed finale that is one of the most absurdly bloody and nihilistic martial arts showdowns I've seen from a classic (60s/70s) Chinese chop socky joint. I'm talkin' combatants impaled with the severed limbs of other combatants... plenty of red paint all over the place... suddenly it's in the SHOGUN ASSASSIN ballpark of mayhem. Very bleak ending, too. A long slog to get there, but that denouement might be worth it for you.

2.5/5

As I race to watch as many movies as I possibly can during these, the waning days of summer, inevitably my streak of pretty good selections has ended and I'm hitting a bunch of middling ones-to-stinkers. My resolve to review everything (!!!) is crumbling but this one deserves a few paragraphs and a hard punch to the kidneys:

MY FELLOW AMERICANS (1996):
Jack Lemmon plays George H.W. Bush, James Garner plays Clinton, John Heard plays Vice President Dan Quayle, and Dan Akroyd plays... some other V.P.->President who is overweight and corrupt but isn't Dick Cheney, who wouldn't enter the oval office for another 4+ years. Maybe the filmmakers rolled the dice pre-election '96 and hoped Bob Dole would beat Bill. You can't put that kind of cynicism nor fecklessness past the creators of this woeful and torturous "satire".

So Akroyd and/or Heard try to frame Lemmon and Garner for crimes they committed and eventually try to have them assassinated (repeatedly, by forces including Everett McGill, who has rarely looked scarier). What a perfect excuse for a rollicking buddy road trip comedy! Really it's just a cash-in on Lemmon's successful ODD COUPLE/GRUMPY OLD MEN formula w/ explosions, shootings, lots of bickering and folksy humor among civilians, and chases in cars and on horseback (!), prompting 70-year old Lemmon to complain about his "balls", oy. Lemmon remains loveable even in material this dire, but outspoken dead conservative Garner must've had to hold his nose to play Clinton and appears visibly disinterested to be onscreen. There are great actors in supporting roles - Wilford Brimley, Bradley Whitford, James Rebhorn - but I just felt bad for them.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS stinks worse after watching THE INTRUDER and PUNISHMENT PARK, political films that are 50-60 years old but feel like they were written yesterday. In contrast, MFA is such a mid-90s product - entrenched in a glib "post-history" worldview that hagiographs Bush I as a penny-pinching curmudgeon rather than the cunning and ruthless former Director of the CIA. There's lots of casual racist "humor" from Lemmon and Heard's characters, which is fair game for Bush and Quayle but played off here as charming ignorance. Heck, THE INTRUDER didn't make that mistake a quarter century earlier. Also, no one involved w/ this film really seems to understand how Presidents work or how people become Presidents or anything about being a President besides the idea that they could get assassinated. I guess I grew up laughing at Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman's impressions of Bush and Clinton like any kid of the late 80s, but whether those were uniquely tone deaf times or I've just gotten old, ooof, Presidents ain't funny to me anymore.......  :bluesad:  :hatred:

1/5
F this stupid movie, too!

Twilight's Last Gleaming was a crazy one, if you liked Punishment Park

The Visitor (1978)

The Visitor is one of those movies that feels like it's supposed to be smart and poetic, but it also seems to refuse to ever really let the view know what's going on. 

It's something like the Omen or the Exorcist but aliens (maybe?) instead of demons, and there's also a conspiracy or a cult, but that might also just be demons and/or aliens.  The movie features an evil 8 year old girl that (might) have evil supernatural powers and has an attack owl.  She shoots and cripples her mother and is trying to get her to have sex with Lance Hendrickson so she can have an even more evil brother (I think.)  The movie also has this older guy that's from space or maybe an alternate dimension and he's kind of like a cross between Father Lankester and Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

The movie is also noticeable for having the most 70s movie music possible. 

Quote from: lester1/2jr on August 23, 2024, 03:17:30 PMTwilight's Last Gleaming was a crazy one, if you liked Punishment Park

I like TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING!

I didn't much like
THE DEAD ONE (1961):
This transitional "zombie" movie moves zombies closer to Romero in that THE eponymous DEAD ONE is actually a dead guy as well as being a servant to a white puppetmaster. Historically that's about as much as you can say for this almost entirely forgotten no-budget loser. It's writer/director Barry Mahon is now probably best-remembered for SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY, which - I kid you not - is quite a bit more engaging and eventful than THE DEAD ONE.

Actually, THE DEAD ONE is a good remedy for anyone who's become a little jaded about widely acknowledged "bad movies" - if you think fan favs like MANOS or TROLL 2 are as bad as a movie can get, try getting through the relentlessly leaden DEAD ONE in one sitting after midnight. After an attention-grabbing opening sequence, cheapjack Mahon subjects the viewer to a solid twenty minutes of static-shot New Orleans cabaret performances so he doesn't have to get on with any actual filmmaking. Then the leads travel to an old plantation estate and bicker with relatives about the deed for 30 minutes before hysterically overacting blonde Monica Davis summons the titular guy for the final few minutes of clumsy action.

The only other compliment that I can pay THE DEAD ONE is that T.D.O. himself is... pretty cool to behold. Shot (as everything else) in an indifferent wide shot, he looks like Cesare from CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI but w/ Max Schreck fingers, and staggers around like Edward Scissorhands. You never really get a good look at his face - probably to obscure his s***y make-up - but from a distance he's legitimately unnerving. This  sense is reinforced by an uncanny early shot where a black extra sees T.D.O. lurch into the shot (with his back to the camera) and the extra reacts w/ such a look of credible disbelief that cannot possibly, in a film this bad, be anything like good acting or anything other than a reflexive response to this ghastly-looking freak. Too bad that The Dead One doesn't actually do much once he shows up!

1/5
Co-star Linda Ormond is no relation apparently to the famed Ormonds that the Rev documents at length. Leading man John MacKay, though he's a meatheaded white guy, isn't the same John MacKay who later abuses Martin Donovan in Hal Hartley's TRUST. What a career turnaround that would've been!

HANGAR 18 (1980):
I'll just throw this one a quick one-two. Generally dull attempt at remaking CAPRICORN ONE on a TV movie budget w/ three points of interest: 1.) a good Darren McGavin performance; 2.) Doughy James Hampton (the Dad from TEEN WOLF) abruptly transforms into an action hero during one car chase; and 3.) an ending that earns comparison to MONSTER-A-GO-GO not in that it's existentially or metaphysically puzzling, but in that we see one (very surprising) thing happening onscreen while a voice-over tells us to ignore the burning bodies and infernal wreckage we're seeing 'cause in fact something else altogether has happened. What the heck is up w/ this ending? All I can figure is the producers got cold feet at the last minute and insisted on hasty post-production f**kery so the viewers didn't go to bed bummed?

Otherwise eminently skippable.
2/5

Extra 0.5 because I watched the MST3K Season 0 version which kept me somewhat awake. It's the whole movie unexpurgated and Joel & the Bots will sometimes go a whole minute w/o riffing, which possibly helps to explain why they started cutting the flicks and only riffing on the funnier parts. Also Trace is Crow but no Clayton Forrester in this  episode...

Police Dog Story (1960)

Edward L. Chan directs this Dragnet-style police story about a stray dog & his reluctant handler. Beginning of the movie is summed up with narration; I could've watched an expanded version which showed more of their attempts to catch the dog.

Ends with a warehouse fire. In some shots the entire warehouse appears to be ablaze; in others, there's a clear path out, with only a small fire.

The dog pound in the movie seems too cheap; it's just some cages set on outdoor tables. But I don't know how a pound would've looked in the early '60's.

Mix of fairly standard police drama & dog drama, but interesting enough if you like those genres.

Quote from: M.10rda on August 24, 2024, 07:31:42 AMHANGAR 18 (1980):
I'll just throw this one a quick one-two. Generally dull attempt at remaking CAPRICORN ONE on a TV movie budget w/ three points of interest: 1.) a good Darren McGavin performance; 2.) Doughy James Hampton (the Dad from TEEN WOLF) abruptly transforms into an action hero during one car chase; and 3.) an ending that earns comparison to MONSTER-A-GO-GO not in that it's existentially or metaphysically puzzling, but in that we see one (very surprising) thing happening onscreen while a voice-over tells us to ignore the burning bodies and infernal wreckage we're seeing 'cause in fact something else altogether has happened. What the heck is up w/ this ending? All I can figure is the producers got cold feet at the last minute and insisted on hasty post-production f**kery so the viewers didn't go to bed bummed?

Otherwise eminently skippable.
2/5

Extra 0.5 because I watched the MST3K Season 0 version which kept me somewhat awake. It's the whole movie unexpurgated and Joel & the Bots will sometimes go a whole minute w/o riffing, which possibly helps to explain why they started cutting the flicks and only riffing on the funnier parts. Also Trace is Crow but no Clayton Forrester in this  episode...

I wanted to see that when I was 11, my folks saw that creepy poster with the people opening the doors and went "Uh uh" 🥴

LOL, I think it was perfectly safe viewing for an 11-year old in terms of creepiness, though perhaps your parents wanted to protect you from crappiness.

I struggle to imagine HANGAR 18 playing the big screens. It screams Made-For-TV-Movie.

If I remember right, it was one of the last films put out by Sunn Classic Pictures. Competent, but made cheaply to fill a market need, like a TV movie.

Had it VHS, & don't remember it being that bad. Then again, I remember little about it outside the box.  :bouncegiggle:

Maybe I should see if I still have the tape, then try to get my VCR working. Or I can check Amazon Prime.

The Lorax (2019)

Colorful, with an occasional good gag, but the TV special is better. In the movie, the Onceler is led into bad decisions by his family; in the special he makes those decisions himself. Also, the special draws out the forest's destruction, so we can see that he had plenty of opportunities to turn things around before everything was destroyed, & we get to see why he did not stop.

The movie isn't unwatchable if you already have a copy, but there's no reason to seek it out. If you want a feature with a similar theme, just watch Wall-E.

Okay, movin' my weekend stinkers over here...
Tonight's Stinker
The Night the World Exploded (1957)
https://youtu.be/cknnDYW9eWo?si=XcG7WYYpxHC5WD45

A scientist invents a machine that can predict earthquakes... After predicting one, he discovers the earth is off it's axis, and there will be enough earthquakes to destroy civilization...
He goes to Carlsbad Caverns, where he discovers rocks that explode.... The only way to save mankind, is if all the nations come together & flood all the mines & oil wells...
Lots of newsreels & stock footage of volcanoes, wars, etc....

Comes with a pretentious message about the environment & world peace.....

Return of the Boston Blackie (1927)

The Boston Blackie, former jewel thief, is released from jail. Meanwhile, a friend or acquaintance has a scam where a chorus girl swindles a man out of some jewels. Another girl steals the jewels, but the Boston Blackie can't believe she's really a jewel thief, so he & his loyal dog try to help her.

This is the only surviving feature staring Strongheart, a German shepherd movie star popular a bit before Rin-Tin-Tin. Decent enough, with a couple good chase scenes.

Such a wholesome-sounding film, yet I can't help but think of Blackie, the sinister madam from TWIN PEAKS,  :smile: or Gigantopithecus Blacki, the real historical "bigfoot" that exists in the fossil record...  :buggedout:  :bluesad:

Quote from: pacman000 on August 24, 2024, 01:29:05 PMIf I remember right, it was one of the last films put out by Sunn Classic Pictures. Competent, but made cheaply to fill a market need, like a TV movie.

Had it VHS, & don't remember it being that bad. Then again, I remember little about it outside the box.  :bouncegiggle:

Maybe I should see if I still have the tape, then try to get my VCR working. Or I can check Amazon Prime.

It's on YouTube, good quality too. 😊🐢

Exceptional Beings (2023) - Wow. wowowowow I haven't seen a bad movie that is so watchable and actually good since Troll 2. My praise doesn't come higher, or lower, than that.

I loved every minute of this thing, even the scenes that were objectively useless and bad. I'm a serial pause-er, but only did so a couple times in the one night this took. The Greek Gods Hermes and Athena are on Earth looking for some person who they think is some kind of secret god in hiding or something because she can see them. The dialogue is very "cringe" as the kids say. It's a style that could work in an off Broadway/ student play but is entirely distracting here.

Along the way we also meet Apollo, Hades, Poseidon, and Noah of Noah's Ark fame (edit: thats wrong it's...Methuselah? ) . There are some fun Xena: Warrior Princess type fight scenes and special effects. The end credits indicate this was made in some other part of the world and it's "outside" ness is ultimately the selling point. It actually starts off pretty conventional and compelling but gets bad and weird very soon.

5/5 yes I know I'm in the Bad section. I'm still trying to comprehend what I saw, cut me some slack.

You've earned infinite slack here, Lester!  :thumbup:

thanks, but I'm going to stick with more familiar fair. more made for tv tonight

Finding Rin-Tin-Tin (2007)

A dramatization of how Lee Duncan found Rin-Tin-Tin durring WWI, with plenty of emblishments.

This was bad. Too much crude humor & too many long slapstick segments. There's a cloying kid & a mean slob of a cook. Acting was either wooden or over the top. Airplane scenes look like a video game.

The first 10-20 minutes actually were decent, if somewhat cheap & Masterpiece Theaterish, but, as it goes on, it just gets worse & worse.

Not even worth the price Amazon charged for the download, free.

HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1980)

88Films recent fully uncut version... seeing this, I realise whatever version I saw about 15 yrs ago must've been the most heavily cut / censored / edited version possible, lol.

David Hess is a cinematic one-off. not a great actor (in fact a pretty bad one, apologies Dave if your ghost is reading) but he has a unique aura. he's got such a sleazy face. no surprise that he never really broke out of b-movie-dom, but I think he would've made a good Bond villain's senior henchman or something similar.

half way through it occurred to me this film is not a million miles away from a much earlier giallo COLD EYES OF FEAR, wonder if that was an inspiration... but this is way darker.

It also has the best attempt to re-wire a nursery rhyme that I'm aware of in a film:

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
And called the police
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And scared the s**t out of her

I think this just about out-does Steven Baldwin's riff on Old MacDonald in THE USUAL SUSPECTS?

Quote from: zombie no.one on August 30, 2024, 02:28:14 PMHOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1980)

David Hess is a cinematic one-off. not a great actor (in fact a pretty bad one, apologies Dave if your ghost is reading) but he has a unique aura. he's got such a sleazy face. no surprise that he never really broke out of b-movie-dom, but I think he would've made a good Bond villain's senior henchman or something similar.

He was indeed senior henchman to Louis Jourdan in SWAMP THING, and Jourdan was later a Bond villain.  :smile:  Good call!

Quote from: M.10rda on August 30, 2024, 09:04:46 PMHe was indeed senior henchman to Louis Jourdan in SWAMP THING, and Jourdan was later a Bond villain.  :smile:  Good call!

hah, the lesser known 'Six Degrees Of Cubby Broccoli' game... (the vegetarian alternative)

just saw that Hess died in 2011. remember the news, thought it was way more recently than that

THE DECAMERON (1971):
"Hey, this guy's killing me!" That's the English subtitle of the first line of dialogue delivered during the first shot of this Pier Paolo Pasolini flick which opens on a murder in progress. My spotty grasp of Latin (and classic Italian literature) made me presume THE DECAMERON was an anthology about the Ten Commandments, ala Kieslowski's DECALOGUE. Instead it's an anthology of ribald tall tales related over ten days of a plague-imposed quarantine (timely, eh?) though most or all of the Ten Commandments do get violated here or there or repeatedly.

The first story focuses on a fancy young lad played by Ninetto Davoli who chases a hot chick (who may or may not be his estranged sister) straight into a literal pit of feces. Davoli, who looks and acts a lot like Ron Palilo as "Horshack", spends the next 15 minutes smeared with poop while everyone who meets him complains about the stench. Yes, THE DECAMERON is an intentional farce from the man who brought us SALO: THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM. What follows is a parade of dudes lusting for babes, babes lusting for dudes, other dudes lusting for young boys, discreet female nudity, full-frontal male nudity (including close-ups of erect dongs), biological humor, one severed head (!), and a healthy dollop of sacrilege. When I got to the long sequence about horny nuns convincing a handyman to deflower them, I thought "Oh man, early 70s Italians must've hated this movie!"

...Nope! In fact THE DECAMERON was a smash hit in Italy and is still considered some kind of classic... just more evidence that large groups of people can often be wrong, even when it comes to foreign films/nominal "arthouse" fare. Mind you, I'm wholly favor of p**sing off conservative Catholics, but as trash goes, DECAMERON has less in common with John Waters and more in common with a Rob Schneider movie or an episode of "Hee-Haw". Neorealism is one thing, but this just looks thrown together haphazardly. A lot of the dialogue is delivered in close-up and directly into the camera lens, like you'd see in something made by some middle-schoolers. Sightlines are violated constantly and (rhythmically and dramatically) the whole damn thing is edited not even with a cleaver but with a truncheon. All of the acting is terrible, everything looks gross and unappealing (including most of the naked bodies), and the movie never gets funnier than that opening subtitle, or even close. If it was any more lowbrow it would be a goatee.

Somehow I've now seen more than half of Pasolini's films. This is the worst, but none of them seem worthy of his reputation. SALO was the first one I saw, it's a repugnant piece of filth, but it's also the closest to a credible piece of serious filmmaking. Can anyone actually defend this guy as a director?!

1/5

Actually, anyone want to defend Pasolini as a human being? Googling him again after watching this reminds me of plenty of dank trivia. He was repeatedly charged with having sex with boys under the age of 16 and started dating Davoli when Davoli was 15 (Davoli was 20 when they made DECAMERON). Although initially a pro-Labor leftist, Pasolini eventually took a hard right-turn towards being an apologist for Italy's corrupt police force and even a self-identified "anti-anti-fascist", which puts him ahead of Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham by nearly half a century. As slick and reasonably involving as SALO is, it's also inescapably a celebration of aristocratic decadence, military might, and the commodification and consumption of the bodies of children. I dunno, is it time to chalk PPP up as a black mark on the history of cinema?

Quote from: M.10rda on September 01, 2024, 01:31:02 AMCan anyone actually defend this guy as a director?!

TEORAMA, and that's it. Although I don't dislike the Trilogy of Life as much as you do. The series important for bringing sex and nudity into mainstream film in a non-porny way. But as a filmmaker I find him visually bland most of the time--if they haven't found him a great set, he doesn't do much of interest with the camera. But I have always been a PPP detractor aside form TEOREMA, and I think SALO was a scam on the moviegoing public.

I appreciate that input, and recognize that TEOREMA seems to remain his claim to credibility. I watched it for the first time last year and was disappointed. He seems to completely lose focus well before the end of the film. (Granted he had many extracurricular interests, ahem.......)

I am curious to hear you write more about SALO as a "scam". I recognize a potential large degree of cynicism about it - either it's the most glamorous criticism of fascism this side of a Jerry Bruckheimer picture or it's an excuse to wallow in the thing it purports to condemn. That said, it reflects a lot more love and care than anything else I've seen him direct (which in and of itself is a grotesque statement)...

Tonight's Stinker
Monster from Green Hell 1957
https://youtu.be/7jio_6DlExU?si=MzsgCOSX9zZAV-ua

Starts out with scientists losing a rocket full of bugs, then a few weeks later, a mission in Africa reports giant bug attacks...
A few months later, the scientists hear about the hubbub in at the mission in Africa & decide to to see for themselves....
Then, walking, walking, hostile natives, walking walking walking, contaminated water, more walking, a monsoon, walking, reach the mission, a pause, then resume walking.....
At one point, they run out of water, but they never run out of cigarettes....

Most of the excitement occurs during the first twenty minutes...

THE WIND (1986) aka THE EDGE OF TERROR

Thought Nico Mastorakis could be relied upon to bring at least some kind of craziness or just off-the-wall randomness to any film, but this is just pure boredom! same 3 characters walking round in circles on a greek island and annoying each other. insufferable crap of the worst kind. 0.5/10

zombie - that sounds like a winner!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOu4knRopb0

Playing With Fire (1985) Someone uploaded this ^ ABC Sunday Night Movie taped off of Alabama TV. I wonder if they didn't get it from the TV station itself? I think I read that they worked to clean it up in some modern way, too.  At any rate, it's way above a normal old VHS rip.

The hook here is a massive one: Gary Coleman as a pyromaniac teenager! Through the first half it mostly delivers, with Coleman gradually reaching his breaking point and proceeding to start throwing matches at stuff. After a while, he just can't stop and frankly why should he? Everyone's mean to him at school (though he does have a love interest for a minute) and his parents are splitting up and he always has to babysit his annoying siblings. He's not very clever though ( and also doesn't seem to understand how fire works?) so he's constantly getting caught by fire chief Yaphet Kotto.

Unfortunately, the second half is boring with him and his parents always going to fire kid/ divorce therapy. There's a punchy quality to his dialogue though and he is really great at playing a p**sed off/ angry person, which he undoubtedly was.

Glad I saw it, there were some great scenes but the fire does not burn into the lackluster second half.

3/5

The copy retains the ads, many of which I remembered.

SO LONG AT THE FAIR (1950):
A "bubble" bad movie that's competent and had good parts but ultimately kind of cheesed me off. This is the earliest version I've seen of the same story that would reappear in BUNNY LAKE IS MISSING, FLIGHT PLAN, and (sort of) THE FORGOTTEN. Any of these movies could almost be renamed GASLIGHT: THE MOVIE, except of course there was an earlier/1940s movie named GASLIGHT that (ironically) does a less vivid job of illustrating the popular modern phrase "to gaslight" etc.......

Anyway. It's like the late 19th century or something and Jean Simmons and her bachelor brother are visiting Paris during the world's fair. The first 15 minutes are slow as molasses, then Simmons wakes up one morning in her hotel room and the separate room where her brother was staying has vanished and apparently never existed, taking her brother with it.  :buggedout: Although there's still some padding in the next hour, pretty quickly you're on Simmons' side and developing an intense hatred for the hotel staff that's clearly conspiring against her to obscure the brother's fate. All is well and good until the resolution, where an old white man authority figure tries to explain to Simmons how the bad guys were entirely justified in their villainy. Uhhhh that bit really spun my head around and made me  :hatred: . The mid-20th century, ladies and germs!

2.5/5

Dirk Bogarde plays a dashing young guy who comes to Simmons' aid. This is the earliest Dirk Bogarde appearance I've seen and besides obviously being a good actor, he was a strikingly attractive fellow at 20 or 25... even much moreso than 10/15/25 years later. So if you're into male eye candy, I guess that's one selling point here.

The play "Gaslight", & the movies based on it, are what inspired the term.

That is true. The original GASLIGHT is about a man trying to convince a woman that she's insane, and that is the traditional and literal definition of gaslighting.

However, in the past X years I most often see the word "gaslight" used to more specifically describe someone (usually a man) telling a woman that her account is inaccurate or false or imagined - that what she knows to be true is untrue. Although the result may be related (a woman feeling like she's delusional or feeling like a man is trying to make her feel delusional), the dynamic doesn't match the original definition unless the man is specifically conspiring to delude the woman and invoke a state of madness in her. Often of late when I hear someone say "You're/they're/he's gaslighting me" what they mean literally is "You're/they're/he's bulls**tting me or telling me something isn't true even though I know it is."

That's more precisely what's happening in SO LONG AT THE FAIR and the other titles I mentioned... not "gaslighting" in the original sense. I did a bad job of articulating that in my review and I apologize.

IN THE LINE OF FIRE (1993)

Big glossy 90s politico-thriller is big and glossy...

 opening 2-minute scene of Eastwood kicking ass on a boat easily the high point of the film. Malkovitch is reasonable as creepy bad guy. Whole thing loses focus and becomes very generic, no tension.

Eastwood more or less tries "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" chat up line on a woman. Clint old, possibly vision is failing...

wanted to like this, but it's a pretty bad movie imo.

5/10

I agree! Did Malkovich win an Oscar for that? Indeed, his performance is... "reasonable"!  :bouncegiggle: Not, perhaps, outstanding. It's a pretty boring flick.

Quote from: M.10rda on September 04, 2024, 06:27:18 PMI agree! Did Malkovich win an Oscar for that?

nominated but lost to Tommy Lee Jones for THE FUGITIVE apparently... I haven't seen a ton of Malkovich films but the best role I've seen him play is in BURN AFTER READING (divides opinion but for me everyone is great in that, even Brad Pitt)

Some pretty decent "bad" movies showing up in this thread... 2.5/5, 5/10...

Here's a real stinker, the worst movie I've seen all year (and I watched every Ormond family movie):

SPIDER BABY (2024): A color (with the option to watch it in black and white) remake of the 1967 weirdo classic about a family suffering from "Merrye syndrome," which causes the adults to slowly regress to a childlike (but homicidal) state, and the kindly caretaker who tries to protect them from scheming relatives seeking to seize their ancestral mansion. Everything is much, much worse than in the original: every performer is embarrassing compared to their predecessor; most of the top billed "stars" barely appear in brief cameos; the estate isn't creepy and dilapidated, yet the film looks much cheaper; the scenes they added made no sense; they scenes they cut were classics; they scenes they remade beat-for-beat have no tension or suspense; and the music, while good, is oppressively overdone. Sadly, Poor Jack Hill backed this, so he must either be destitute or senile. Unsurprisingly, they did not find a distributor. 0.5/5.

Quote from: zombie no.one on September 05, 2024, 01:11:25 AM

Quote from: M.10rda on September 04, 2024, 06:27:18 PMI agree! Did Malkovich win an Oscar for that?

BURN AFTER READING (divides opinion but for me everyone is great in that, even Brad Pitt)

 :bouncegiggle: Brad Pitt's one of the best parts!

Quote from: Rev. Powell on September 05, 2024, 09:14:33 AMSome pretty decent "bad" movies showing up in this thread... 2.5/5, 5/10...

Here's a real stinker, the worst movie I've seen all year (and I watched every Ormond family movie):

Thank you, Reverend Powell, for inspiring us to do better (or rather "badder")! I did watch a strong 0.5/5 a couple days ago and will get around to reviewing it eventually. Good contender for worst movie I've seen this year. We will do BadMovies.org proud yet!

Alas there is no  'Average Movies' board, so I guess anything 5/10 or less has to go in here?

Quote from: Rev. Powell on September 05, 2024, 09:14:33 AMSPIDER BABY (2024): A color (with the option to watch it in black and white) remake of the 1967 weirdo classic about a family suffering from "Merrye syndrome," which causes the adults to slowly regress to a childlike (but homicidal) state,

not about an actual half spider-half baby  hybrid freakmonster thing then? for shame...

edit, yep the trailer alone is painful. that particular style of intentionally non-realistic acting seriously gets on my nerves. could not manage a whole movie of it

Quote from: zombie no.one on September 05, 2024, 11:33:52 PMthat particular style of intentionally non-realistic acting seriously gets on my nerves. could not manage a whole movie of it

Well in that case, hold my beer - here's my promised review of
OH DAD, POOR DAD, MAMMA'S HUNG YOU IN THE CLOSET AND I'M FEELING SO SAD (1967):
I read a description of this one in Joe Bob Briggs' "News Of The Weird" version of our "What Was That Film?" board somewhere around 1990. It remained unidentified for years and haunted me. It just sounded so darn weird and fun. I'm gonna' do everything in my power to not make it sound that way in this review so none of you ever make the mistake of watching it!

"Mamma" is an bodysuit-wearing harridan in drag queen wigs and makeup who jetsets around the globe with her emasculated manchild son on her deceased husband's dime. They take "Dad" everywhere with them in a coffin and while staying in hotels, Mamma does indeed stand up taxidermied Dad in the son's closet. Mamma meets and sets her talons into a gnarled bug-eyed old sea captain (Oscar-winner Hugh Griffith); meanwhile the sea captain's overripe child bride decides to seduce the virginal and deeply neurotic son.

The 1960s! Everyone was wacky, zany, and madcap, and movies about such folks had to have wacky zany madcap and entirely too long titles like IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD and "Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?" and this one. I guess we could blame DR. STRANGELOVE - however that's a classic and almost everything about this movie sucks painfully. Adapted from a reputedly "hit" play by a playwright named Arthur Kopit who did write a few good ones in his day, nothing about OH DAD... elicits any emotion besides irritation and, at great length, agony. The slapstick highlight must certainly be when the son is about to finally consummate w/ the young vixen and suddenly his closet door opens and Dad's corpse falls out on top of them. I suspect that Kopit was maybe hoping for an updated farcical version of HAMLET but Shakespeare's HAMLET has much better jokes than OH DAD. Of course, HAMLET lives on good Hamlets (Burton) and dies on bad ones (Brannagh). I've seen terrible Hamlets, but I've never seen one worse than Robert Morse, who plays the son "Jonathan" as a developmentally disabled version of early Jerry Lewis. Yes, you read that right.

OH DAD... was shot in 1965 by one director, then taken out of that director's hands and given to Alexander Mackendrick, who directed legendary Ealing comedies in the 50s and then came to the States to make SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS. It baffles the smarts to realize that Mackendrick's solution to this film's problems was to add sped up chase scenes, a cloying theme song, and a new voice-over by Jonathan Winters as "Dad", who's credited with writing all his own lines (what Patton Oswalt calls "punch-up"). Winters' contributions include the very last punchline of the film: "...BAMBI... DUMBO... or MONDO CANE!"  :bluesad:  Yup.

0.5/5

Half a star for Lionel Jeffries, the bulletheaded baddie from ROYAL FLASH, which was also bad but nowhere near this bad, who's onscreen for two minutes as the commander of a small airport who is inexplicably a Nazi. Yes, that's the one good part.  :lookingup:

sounds like a 60s WEEKEND AT BERNIES on LSD  :smile:

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S is a lot more fun, funnier, and better made!

THE KIYOTO CONNECTION (1973):
I started watching this under the assumption it was maybe Brucesploitation or something. I did DL the file from Soulseek at some point though so who knows what I was thinking.

For fifteen minutes we watch a dopey Japanese cabbie try and fail to pick up girls in what appears to be a nicely shot comedy. Then he drives to the Kiyoto airport and Christina Lindberg from THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE gets in his cab and won't leave. They make cute (he knows no Swedish and she knows no Japanese) and both the cabbie and the viewer presumes she's just a cheerful hooker. Just when I thought I'd discovered another flick that Tarantino ripped off (for TRUE ROMANCE in this case), the cabbie takes Christina home, beats her, sexually assaults her, then keeps her in bondage for most of the rest of the movie.  :bluesad: Because Japanese sex movie.

KIYOTO CONNECTION isn't very graphic but it's still gross and depressing. The filmmakers have some pretty objectionable ideas about male/female relationships. They clearly want us to sympathize w/ the cabbie but he's just a mean-spirited incel creep who shows no ability to empathize w/ his captive, who he claims to love. I kept hoping Lindberg would go all "One-Eye" on the dude at the end but instead she develops Stockholm Syndrome ("Kiyoto Syndrome"  ?  ) for him. (She's also assaulted a second time by a group of hipsters later in the film, ugh.)

So of course it was all a misunderstanding and the Yakuza is driving around Kiyoto looking for Lindberg and one keeps hoping they'll serve up violent comeuppance to the cabbie at the end. They start to and then they get busted by undercover popo. All cabbie gets is a bloody nose.

1/5 AVOID.

Tonight's Stinker
Italian Spiderman
https://youtu.be/RDB0HcHVw-I?si=KbFLlut4dEcwD5JC

Ugh... I don't know how to describe this...
A spoof of low budget super hero movies....

Quote from: LilCerberus on September 08, 2024, 09:13:56 PMTonight's Stinker
Italian Spiderman
https://youtu.be/RDB0HcHVw-I?si=KbFLlut4dEcwD5JC

Ugh... I don't know how to describe this...
A spoof of low budget super hero movies....

at least it spawned one of the all time great reaction gifs...
(https://media.tenor.com/n83bIBpjW3sAAAAC/mindblown-meme.gif)

Quote from: zombie no.one on September 09, 2024, 02:30:18 AM

Quote from: LilCerberus on September 08, 2024, 09:13:56 PMTonight's Stinker
Italian Spiderman
https://youtu.be/RDB0HcHVw-I?si=KbFLlut4dEcwD5JC

Ugh... I don't know how to describe this...
A spoof of low budget super hero movies....

at least it spawned one of the all time great reaction gifs...
(https://media.tenor.com/n83bIBpjW3sAAAAC/mindblown-meme.gif)

And the guys who made this went on to make the very funny Australian TV spoof "Danger 5," with secret agents fighting Hitler (in the 60s in the first season and the 80s in the second season):

(https://media1.giphy.com/media/9EwnzGNjvmIG4/200w.gif?cid=6c09b95279nv7fufdn2csam2341exsjz9a9p5vb5wo90indn&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=200w.gif&ct=g)

Quote from: zombie no.one on September 09, 2024, 02:30:18 AM

Quote from: LilCerberus on September 08, 2024, 09:13:56 PMTonight's Stinker
Italian Spiderman
https://youtu.be/RDB0HcHVw-I?si=KbFLlut4dEcwD5JC

Ugh... I don't know how to describe this...
A spoof of low budget super hero movies....

at least it spawned one of the all time great reaction gifs...
(https://media.tenor.com/n83bIBpjW3sAAAAC/mindblown-meme.gif)

:teddyr:  :teddyr:  :teddyr:  :teddyr:  :teddyr:

Tonight's Stinker
Rewind This! (2013)
https://youtu.be/A9suzljYwic?si=GYsZ1SUK5jANUidB

A documentary about the evolution of VHS, how it went from second run movies to Strait To Video releases, & so on & so forth....
With interviews of producers, directors & personalities of the home video craze...
Yes, it includes some porn, as it revolutionized THAT market as well...

I had to watch Tigers Don't Cry, The Jackals and The Cape Town Affair again 😳

Quote from: Trevor on September 15, 2024, 07:17:18 AMI had to watch Tigers Don't Cry, The Jackals and The Cape Town Affair again 😳

One of the things they touched on in Rewind This!, was how regional obscurities started finding their way to other countries.....

My OCD and ASD has compelled another loose thematic movie spree, w/ SHE-DEMONS posted correctly in the "Good Movie" section and SHE-DEVILS OF THE SS incorrectly posted in the same. This next one is the work of the one and only HerschelL Gordon Lewis so it unequivocally belongs here:

SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS (1968):
I find most of HGL's gore films distasteful and mean-spirited, on top of the fact of course that they're sub-garbage in terms of quality. Almost all his other work in disparate genres is equally shoddy and sometimes excruciatingly dull, but at least the non-gore films have a certain moronic cheerfulness that I find mildly diverting. This girl gang schlockfest is an exemplar of that HGL sub-genre. I don't know enough about female motorcycle gangs to credibly judge if anyone in the large female cast could ever survive in a real one, but they all look like they're having a good time together onscreen. It would be a stretch to say anyone gives a particularly good or professional performance, but each one of the "Maneaters" is reasonably distinct in my mind, so that's something.

And here's a slightly less modest compliment: when placed beside HGL's gore films, in which women are treated like objects and/or meat (often literally!), SHE-DEVILS ON WHEELS looks reasonably progressive in its gender politics. The screenplay is credited to Louise Downe, who co-wrote BLOOD FEAST and THE GRUESOME TWOSOME but notably wasn't involved in the ultra-misogynistic 2000 MANIACS, COLOR ME BLOOD RED, WIZARD OF GORE, or GORE-GORE GIRLS. Downe's biker ladies compete with each other and police each other when one gets out of line, but they also celebrate each other's accomplishments. They get to pick their male partners from a huge harem of eager (yet respectful, even docile) boy groupies, which is a pleasing inversion of the era's norms. They mock the one plus-sized biker for her weight (of course), but she also gets two sex partners instead of just one. And when the scummy XY rival gang targets one of the Maneaters, the other girls don't need no steenkin' male pigs to step in and arbitrate... these ladies are gonna' get even on their own terms.

Don't get me wrong - this is still textbook Bad Moviemaking in all the standard ways. HGL has no regard for continuity in editing. The camera shakes even sometimes in static shots. At least a full eighth of the film is devoted to characters arriving at locations, departing from locations, or driving/riding their vehicles in extreme wide-shot. There is a little gore, though, and the climactic effect, though somewhat preposterous, seems entirely original. The only other time I've seen it in a movie was in 2013's THE COUNSELOR, which means it's possible that Ridley Scott (!) actually bogarted material from Herschell Gordon Lewis (?!?!?!).  :bouncegiggle:

2/5

Downer pre-credits ending but then a post-credits coda that assures us it's all a larf and we shouldn't take it seriously. Fine by me.

"Psycho Ape: Part II - The Wrath of Kong" (2004): A supposed sequel to PSYCHO APE made for under $8000, it's really just a bunch of low-budget improvised comedy scenes. The loose plot has Psycho Ape being released from prison after 25 years, then reuniting with his adversaries from the 1st movie, who take him in to their household (living as a "throuple," although there's no suggestion of sex). The characters all know they're in a movie, there's a pair of ghosts of victims from the first "Psycho Ape" hanging around, when a character is decapitated her head is a smashed watermelon, some kids smoke pot and watch the movie and comment on it, there's a break to pitch merch, the "low-budget news channel" covers the trial, you get some geriatric nudity, a lot of parodies of other movies (including PSYCHO, but topless), the lead actor gets his ear pierced on Venice Beach in a documentary-style scene... stuff like that. It's only an hour long and a bit like a crazy episode of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" put on by people with less talent. I don't think seeing the first film would add anything. Really hard to rate; some people will appreciate the silly humor and the fact that you can't predict what will come next, but although the cast is clearly having a blast, I couldn't really recommend it. Plus I'm not sure it's easy to find, you have to either back their kickstarter or catch it on an indie streaming platform I've never heard of. I'm going with 1.5/5 for good intentions.

CONVOY (1978)

Lasted 25 minutes. no more. complete tripe. not funny. 'good guys' (presumably?) who are more loathesome than most villains... the phrase "son of a b***h" said at least 6 times, unprompted. not even as part of a sentence.  how can anyone last 1hr 43mins of this toxic aimless drivel? I don't drink or drive a truck, maybe that's why I'm not connecting with it.

Jabberwocky (1971)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067259/
https://youtu.be/hmxhzZmyw04?si=3J-FIW2b1UVqk4o1

Short stop-motion anime full of creepy Eastern European art $#*!

CONAN THE DESTROYER (1985)

Maybe I'm just in a post-CONVOY slump, but this has completely washed over me... Arnie, muscles, swords, running, swords... not really doing it for me. It's rare I try and fit 2 movies into one evening, probably overload

CROCODILE 2 (2002)

Not directed by Tobe Hooper. first 20 mins are actually very fun badmovie nonsense. hyper cheesy. then the plane crash happens and it turns into a slog as they all mope around endlessly in a swamp / jungle area, with occasional croc encounters. It's okay-ish I guess.

Seven Alone

Instead of staying in the Midwest, where they actually seem to have a nice life, a family joins the Oregon Trail. About halfway through, the parents die, leaving their young son in charge. He's determined to get his siblings to Oregon. Whether or not this determination is good or just pig headed is up to the viewer. I can understand wanting to finish his dad's quest, but he nearly gets his family killed a few times in the process. Technically, the kid is learning responsibility, but I'm not sure he's doing a good job using it.

Then again, there were quite a few challenges even before their parents passed. The pioneer life wasn't easy. Apparently based on a true story.

Some nice scenery, tho the print was washed out. End is abrupt. Sometimes slow, but worth a watch if you like movies about American pioneers. Might also appeal to fans of Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, & similar characters.

Tonight's Stinker
STAR KNIGHT (1985)
https://youtu.be/UWJBN5qFps4?si=MzHffd0ZY6w62w5B

During medieval times, a wizard (Klaus Kinski) prays for an angel, and the next thing y'know, the villagers are demanding the local count to do something about a Dragon.... Of course, the count has his own problems with a social climbing soldier, a rebellious daughter and a priest who sees evil everywhere...
However, the angel/dragon is really a space alien (Harvey Keitel) who falls for the princess, but can't take off his helmet, or he'll suffocate...

Really bad VHS dub with re-dubbed audio...
Sorta plays out like an SNL skit that got turned into a movie, like a fairy tale with four letter words & some nudity, that starts out with everyone talking backwards like Yoda....

^ I would've thought I'd have at least heard of this considering the actors but nope.....


MOTHER OF TEARS (2007)

Even as an Argento forgiver-of-bad-stuff this was still kind of unwatchable... apparently I'd seen it before, but I remembered zilch.

to paraphrase the cliche, it's a case of 'lack of style over lack of substance' here. too much blaahh not enough woooo. I still think I'd be able to get through THE CARD PLAYER, but this was too much to endure

Tonight's Stinker
Aftershock (1990)
https://youtu.be/mssJme9KJPc?si=5zUxmantE0PmyqXP

After WW3, raggedy rebels face off with men in black jumpsuits, when an alien shows up....

Mostly kung-fu, with a few decent b-movie veterans...

Tonight's Stinker
Mission Stardust (1967)
https://youtu.be/Poi-qvJ-9mY?si=FxISyJ4IqKmrglZq

Astronauts are sent to the moon, but a drug lord has some insider information on the mission....
Upon reaching the moon, the rocket is attacked, it's rover is destroyed, and the astronauts find an alien spaceship, where they meet an incredibly stuck up female alien & her dying companion...
The aliens take the humans to Africa to find a doctor who can save the old man, which ticks off a regional warlord with the drug lord right behind....
At one point, the drug lord's henchmen are wearing red baseball caps.... :twirl:

Predictable in many ways, but delightfully corny...

ONCE BITTEN (1985):
I've been in peak workaholism mode and haven't watched a complete movie in 2 weeks but Madame started watching this old chestnut and I surrendered to join her. This is unquestionably a bad movie but has plenty of entertainment value as it is 80s as hell - maybe more 80s than TEEN WITCH or BREAKIN' 2. I don't think the director was insightful enough or creative enough that he was stretching to emphasize the 80s kitsch - he just happened to be in the right places at the right time w/ the right set designers and costume designers and actors who were very much living in 1985. Boy, were they!

The director certainly wasn't getting much else right - I've rarely seen more painstaking set-ups for tiny punchline payoffs. Nearly the entire supporting cast is dire, too. That said, anyone's only still watching ONCE BITTEN for Jim Carrey, and here, too, the film maintains both historical value and inherent cred. Young Carrey more or less performs the role of a human being (and an affable one at that), only dialing up his physical clowning when the script seems to call for it, and then to great effect. It's easy to imagine this Jim Carrey becoming a successful screen actor - this is recognizably the same Jim Carrey from ETERNAL SUNSHINE, for instance. (Whoever played Ace Venture is a depressing imposter.)

Carrey's authentic gifts are on such good display here that he's the majority of the show - most of the rest of it being Lauren Hutton's palatable sex appeal and nearly R-rated outfits. Cleavon Little (!) is terrific but tragically underutilized as Hutton's Renfield. Carrey's human sweetheart is played by an agreeable if bland unknown named Karen Kopins, who at least has great legs and can really use 'em. The highlight of this silly film is a high school Halloween dance-off where Kopins and Hutton throw down for Carrey's heart. Carrey gets involved and a legit choreographer was involved too and for four minutes ONCE BITTEN turns into an actual event.

2.5/5

But where were the faculty chaperones/who let an underdressed 40(0)-something woman into the high school dance?

Tonight's Stinker
Hollywood in the Atomic Age - Monsters! Martians! Mad Scientists! (2021)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt13977508/
https://youtu.be/YvqSIl7umlM?si=ASTGeaPGD0mMAeGy

Rather dry & meandering documentary that starts off by touching on how Roswell more or less started the alien genre, then wonders into rubber suit monster & the guys who made them, then just wonders off....
About halfway through, the audio & video become unsynched....

The Rift, AKA Endless Descent (1990) - I'm pretty sure I rented this on VHS in the mid 90s, but I have zero memory of it.  Unfortunately.  This is a real pile of crap.  It's the story of a vaguely explained mission to recover some sub's black box, and it turns out there's more going on than they know.  Whatever.  It's poorly written, mostly badly acted, poorly structured...  The first 45 minutes is excruciatingly boring, the main sub set sucks, it feels like it's 2 hours even though it's 80 minutes minus credits.  The good thing, for about a half hour there's some pretty good gore and creature effects sporadically, including a quite good head explosion.  R. Lee Ermey si the sub captain, and is pretty good, better than the film deserves.  Ray Wise is in this too, being smarmy as usual.  3/10.

Quote from: Jim H on October 01, 2024, 11:20:40 PMThe Rift, AKA Endless Descent (1990) - I'm pretty sure I rented this on VHS in the mid 90s, but I have zero memory of it.  Unfortunately.  This is a real pile of crap.  It's the story of a vaguely explained mission to recover some sub's black box, and it turns out there's more going on than they know.  Whatever.  It's poorly written, mostly badly acted, poorly structured...  The first 45 minutes is excruciatingly boring, the main sub set sucks, it feels like it's 2 hours even though it's 80 minutes minus credits.  The good thing, for about a half hour there's some pretty good gore and creature effects sporadically, including a quite good head explosion.  R. Lee Ermey si the sub captain, and is pretty good, better than the film deserves.  Ray Wise is in this too, being smarmy as usual.  3/10.

yes, a sadly lacklustre movie from the guy who directed the awesome PIECES (and the bad/good SLUGS)... Was really disappointed when I saw it, was expecting at least some kind of entertainment factor

Yeah it's terrible, but Ermey and Wise are great consolation prizes. "Smarmy as usual"? Naturally! No one does smarmy like Ray Wise!  :bouncegiggle:

ALTERED PERCEPTIONS (2023): A virus causes old people to turn homicidal/suicidal, and a Republican Texas senator takes advantage of the crisis to demonize blacks, gays, and people who got the Covid vaccine as he foments a Civil War. At 2 hours this needs serious editing (and sound work, and continuity), but there is actually a lot of fun stuff happening when they break away from the long and obvious political "satire" and Ted talks about neuroscience: a buff guy who comes from a future where pants are forbidden to warn us of impending doom, a Presidential press conference with only one off-screen reporter, and of course, oral sex with a decapitated hooker. 2/5, with some pruning it could have been a good bad movie. On Tubi. The astroturfing on IMDB is truly shameless, 10/10 after 10/10, with lots of misspellings and talking about what a genius the director is. Letterboxd is far more honest.

Tonight's Stinker
Mutiny in outer space (1965)
https://youtu.be/079PdIQL3Oc?si=dkQhzaaYVshZQIyy

A space station receives two astronauts on a return trip from the moon, where ice has just been discovered...
Upon arrival, one of the astronauts falls dead...
It's later discovered he had a fungus growing on his leg, which threatens to take over the whole station...
Unfortunately, the commander of the space station, already starting to suffer from "space madness", is less than helpful....

Tonight's Stinker
12 to the Moon (1960)
https://youtu.be/zl5x3_Y1nmw?si=W8PhLJE4NXWzMykB

A multinational crew sets off for the moon....
Interestingly enough, the setting is well before global unification, so nationalism becomes an issue...
Once on the moon, two of the astronauts find a cave, then disappear...
The spaceship then receives a message from aliens saying they are not welcome....
The astronauts try to go home, but the aliens are shooting earth with a freeze ray.....

Sorta comes across like one of those movies were the plot keeps changing for no reason...
Opens with each individual astronaut emerging from a fog bank for no reason....

Quote from: Rev. Powell on October 04, 2024, 09:02:17 AMALTERED PERCEPTIONS (2023): A virus causes old people to turn homicidal/suicidal, and a Republican Texas senator takes advantage of the crisis to demonize blacks, gays, and people who got the Covid vaccine as he foments a Civil War. At 2 hours this needs serious editing (and sound work, and continuity), but there is actually a lot of fun stuff happening when they break away from the long and obvious political "satire" and Ted talks about neuroscience: a buff guy who comes from a future where pants are forbidden to warn us of impending doom, a Presidential press conference with only one off-screen reporter, and of course, oral sex with a decapitated hooker. 2/5, with some pruning it could have been a good bad movie. On Tubi. The astroturfing on IMDB is truly shameless, 10/10 after 10/10, with lots of misspellings and talking about what a genius the director is. Letterboxd is far more honest.

Nice cast. I see Jose Rosete is in this. His filmography is amazing, he's been in like 400 B and Z-movies the past 15 years or so. Not sure if coincidence, but Rosete has been in a few Republican/Political "satire" movies before this one. Just an observation.

Quote from: LilCerberus on October 05, 2024, 09:41:02 PMTonight's Stinker
Mutiny in outer space (1965)
https://youtu.be/079PdIQL3Oc?si=dkQhzaaYVshZQIyy

A space station receives two astronauts on a return trip from the moon, where ice has just been discovered...
Upon arrival, one of the astronauts falls dead...
It's later discovered he had a fungus growing on his leg, which threatens to take over the whole station...
Unfortunately, the commander of the space station, already starting to suffer from "space madness", is less than helpful....

Sounds like that became SPACE MUTINY 😳😁😁🐢

RISING SUN (1993)

Connery and Snipes, united at last. Never heard of this film before. The first verbal interaction in the movie proves that zero gray matter will be needed at any point from that moment on, however ironically I spent half the time racking my brains as to why the movie exists. Clunky as hell. 007/100

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE (1986)

Rutger Hauer is a bounty hunter. Gene Simmons is a bad guy. Too low-key and generic cut-price '80s action' to be interesting, lot of very quiet talking and slow sequences. My fav trashy straight-to-vid Rutget Hauer film is WEDLOCK

^ I can't stand Gene Simmons.

Quote from: RCMerchant on October 07, 2024, 05:43:02 PM^ I can't stand Gene Simmons.

seen him in a few films now... definitely has a kind of 'b-movie bad guy' aura about him.

like many actors, he's a failed musician.  :teddyr:

Metalstorm - The Destruction of Jared Syn (1983)

I've had a fascination with this movie for years but only recently watched the Blu-ray print.  It really has a ridiculously low budget for what they were trying to achieve.  The opening titles and the music suggest an epic is coming up.  But going from impressive visuals and big orchestral music to a bloke driving around a quarry in a rickety vehicle with an el cheapo interior trips up my brain.  I guess the setting is supposed to be a desert planet - but it's a quarry.  The 'town' set is just a few marquees.  Any set that is supposed to be impressive is just an underwhelming prop in the quarry or construction put in a cave.  There's a massive 1950's b-movie feel to it and I wonder what the budget was.  The epic music is so out of context with the visuals it makes me think 'how isn't this better'? 

It was in the cinema's as 3D but I've never seen it in that format.  I wonder how impressive the 3D is, especially when there are so many driving along dust roads in the quarry sequences that have no visual interest when viewed flat.

In the 'making of', someone describes that it was a concious decision to not have the traditional middle of the forehead eye cyclops design for the cyclopean characters.  Total nonsense.  They didn't have the budget to create convincing make-up for a traditional design. 

The plot is plodding and the world building non-existent.  What is a 'Ranger: finder class'?  What were the sand wars?  What is the villan so upset about?  Where do the crystals come from?  I'm giving this film too much thought but as I said - it's fascinating in it's badness.  But Tim Thomerson is good.

Anyway, nice to get that off my chest and hello to all.

Welcome to the forum JaredSyn. I remember watching that movie as a teenager back in the day.

I spit on your grave: Deja Vu.

Such terrible overacting, this was verging on painful to watch. The actress from the original movie reprises her character. Not as brutal or shocking as the original but with all of its problems. Even the remake was better than this. The lead actress is supposed to be the most beautiful supermodel on the planet and while she is pretty I wouldn't go that far. It has some nudity in it, but I couldn't recommend watching it even for that.

Voyage to the planet of prehistoric women (1968)

This is one of the movies where the making of is more interesting than the movie itself. Most of the scenes come from the 1962 Soviet movie Planeta Bur (Planet of Storms). Roger Corman acquired the rights, recut and dubbed the whole thing and added some scenes to produce Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (1965). Then, he decided that what the movie really needed was more pretty girls, so he re-used the Soviet footage, had Peter Bogdanovich shoot some scenes with Mamie Van Doren and assorted beauties on a beach and voilà, Voyage to the planet of the prehistoric women was created.

This is a dreadful slog. While the Soviet movie provides impressive modelwork and general production values, it would seem to be just as fun as First Spaceship to Venus. The recut/redubbed scenes make little sense, and the whole thing is pitched as a love story, while both protagonists are in different movies altogether.
Avoid.

I've at least seen VTTPP and VTTPOPW and maybe PLANET OF STORMS as well. What have I done w/ my life? Yes, they're all slogs, though the original Russian footage is pretty cool in small doses.

Tonight's Stinker
Cyborg 2087 (1966)
https://youtu.be/9vGu55liVMM?si=uJnq0xJJGZOw-GpM

The audio is missing from the first couple minutes, but to no real consequence.....
A man is sent backwards from the future to find a scientist...
At first, he finds himself in an abandoned wild west town, but then a couple guys in a jeep show up...
He swipes the jeep, runs from local authorities, then finds the secretary & tells her he needs to stop the scientist from creating a brain control device that will be used by autocrats...
Then the authorities from his own time show up...

Rather goofy, with it's riffable moments, but tends to drag....

Quote from: M.10rda on October 13, 2024, 09:57:01 AMthe original Russian footage is pretty cool in small doses.

Say what you like about the Soviets, they could design some cool looking hardware.

EYE OF THE TIGER (1986)

Gary Busey is... a man. He is seeking.... revenge. after thugs do bad things to his wife. Mediocre action ensues.

Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger is the theme tune and title of the film for no apparent reason. Didn't ROCKY already use that? I refuse to watch ROCKY, but I believe it does 

FINAL SCORE (also from 1986) does this exact set up about 50000 times more badass-ly.

MESA OF LOST WOMEN (1953):
WOW, wotta' movie...!

Ed Wood-veteran Lyle Talbot delivers an entirely Woodian voice-over to unnecessarily comment on a completely self-evident prologue in which a man and woman wandering in the desert are rescued by two prospectors and taken to a nearby hospital, where the man recovers from heatstroke just enough to promise to explain their terrifying adventures in flashback. We then get a flashback, but it's not that guy's flashback, it's a flashback that belongs to "Dr. Masterson", a sourpussed middle-aged white guy who travels into the desert (yeah, we're going back into the desert now, keep up) to find the secret laboratory of "Dr. Arana", a total weirdo who figured out how to turn normal tarantulas into giant smart tarantulas and then figured out how to turn giant smart tarantulas into men of small stature and normal sized women, but who won't be satisfied until he turns those little men and average-sized women into giant tarantulas (again) who can help him take over the world. All of this is such a shock to Masterson's system that he goes insane and (Talbot tells us in V.O.) is committed to an asylum, but then he immediately escapes the asylum and travels to Mexico, where he acts bizarrely in a bar, watches a tarantula woman perform an exotic dance before trying to murder her, befriends and then takes hostage a rather mismatched newlywed couple, and commandeers a rugged pilot to take everyone up into the air. Then they crash in a jungle (?!) and the pilot and the newlywed bride (who are the lost folks from the prologue) make eyes at each other and everyone wanders around in the jungle for a solid 10-15 minutes while the little men and normal-sized spider women stalk them but don't do anything else to them. I think I nodded off around this part, woke up and everyone was back in Arana's laboratory, and then the film very abruptly ends in a non-climax. Don't quote me on any of this.

Alas, MESA OF LOST WOMEN isn't Just As God Made it but instead was the product of rewrites, reshoots, and two directors: one of them was a nobody who'd claimed to be the ghost director of multiple old Lubitsch and Von Sternberg pictures, and the other one was the Teenage Strangler himself, Ron freaking Ormond, who got tagged in to pad the running time and (in doing so) reportedly added ALL the violence and lewd dancing. Although there's precious little of either, it's still pretty funny to know Ormond was less than two decades away from a career in right wing Christian cinema. Jackie Coogan plays Doctor Arana, a scientist so mad he makes Uncle Fester look like a chartered public accountant. Masterson is apparently played by one actor, Harmon Stevens, though I would've sworn the role was recast mid-film. After Masterson escapes from the asylum and shows up in Mexico, he looks like an altogether different guy from the Masterson in the first part of the film. Maybe Stevens lost weight and got a haircut before the reshoots, but he also gives a 180-degree different performance, grinning like a loon as he waves a handgun and utters serene crypticisms. (If they remade MESA today, they'd cast Ray Wise as Masterson.) Anyway, if it's just one guy playing Masterson here, good job.

Jerry Warren's favorite leading lady Katherine Victor has a brief, silent cameo early on. Angelo Rossito and Talbot's fellow Wood co-star Delores Fuller play members of Coogan's spiderperson retinue. I might as well add that casting Rossito and people who look like Rossito as mutant freaks is one kind of insensitivity, and casting hirsute, dark skinned Tandra Quinn as the chief tarantula woman (as well as other ethnic-looking ladies) is a whole 'nother kind. In spite of this, there's reasonable evidence (among Coogan's performance, the Masterson character, and otherwise) to think the people who made this were actually trying to make a weird movie - and in that they succeeded!

2.5/5
Almost more interesting to read the Wiki than to watch the film. There's an MST3K and/or Rifftrack, I think - perhaps that's the smart way to swallow this one.

Quote from: zombie no.one on October 07, 2024, 01:49:23 PMWANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE (1986)

Rutger Hauer is a bounty hunter. Gene Simmons is a bad guy. Too low-key and generic cut-price '80s action' to be interesting, lot of very quiet talking and slow sequences. My fav trashy straight-to-vid Rutget Hauer film is WEDLOCK

Fun fact, you'd never know it but this is actually essentially sequel to the 1950s Steve McQueen TV western of the same name.  My mom was a fan of it and didn't even realize they were related they feel so different and I'm not sure if the movie ever mentions it.  Hauer is McQueen's descendent, presumably a grandson or great grandson based on the timeline.  Just a modern day bounty hunter than a Wild West era one.

I always remembered the TV show for the very cool Mare's Leg sawed off rifle he uses in a swivel holster.

(https://i.etsystatic.com/13037325/r/il/d1baca/6047135898/il_570xN.6047135898_37o5.jpg)

Quote from: Jim H on October 14, 2024, 09:02:19 PMFun fact, you'd never know it but this is actually essentially sequel to the 1950s Steve McQueen TV western of the same name. 

no, wasn't aware (I mean that is a very generic title!). Rutger Hauer's presence makes it more interesting than a lot of actors could've, but still found it a bit dull all round tbh...

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983)

A disturbed owner of a motel kills her guests. Other than that, nothing much happens in this cheaply made slasher with a supernatural touch that rips off Psycho. It does deliver on the cheesy thrills, and the setting is pretty decent. But yeah, it is baaad. 1.5 / 5.0

This was filmed in 1982, and released to theaters in 1983 as Mountaintop Motel. It had a re-release in 1984 as Horrors at Mountaintop Motel. The film was eventually purchased by Roger Corman's New World Pictures in 1985. They added a new gorier ending, and released it to theaters in 1986 as Mountaintop Motel Massacre.

ICE SHARKS (2016)

To my knowledge the first time I've watched an Asylum movie since MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS (2009), which is the only other one I've seen.

Was expecting zany goofball antics and snarky quips, but the tone is actually quite downbeat and the cast play it cool.

The CGI is so bad they almost try and disguise it by only showing brief glimpses, but you can still tell it's barely one step up from BIRDEMIC level.

Soon deteriorates into the inevitable 'cast is huddled up in confined space and being stalked by the monster from outside' type thing, but overall surprisingly un-annoying.

FIRE DOWN BELOW (1997)

peak Seagal, he's still got it here... in one scene he's served groceries by these twin sisters and he says "a couple of gorgeous twins like you, it gets a man thinking.". smooth

love the way he can effortlessly and single handedly disarm a room full of gun-toting rednecks, then kick all their faces in one by one.  this happens about 5 times.

his main love interest here (not including every other female in the world) is played by Marg Helenburger, about whom Seagal had this to say:

Quote"While I don't think she's a physical, spectacular, drop dead gorgeous woman, at the same time she's a spectacular actress"

.... what a charmer.

8 barstools re-purposed as weapons out of 10

JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017)

stayed away from watching this thanks to the director being a massive bunty man / shrub rocketeer, but it was cheap and I was bored. Not as bad as the IMDb reviews are making out. In fact this is almost pretty good. The baddie person/thing has a cool deathmobile with a big retracting spike. I've seen way worse recent horrors tbh. 5.5/10

Now in the right section![/u] LEECH WIZARD (1981):
Last year I set two new rules for myself during October: 1.) Watch only horror movies (unless Madame twists my arm); 2.) Review everything I watch (which, believe it or not, isn't actually my usual practice on here). It's a nice celebration of one of my favorite holidays, but it's a double-edged blade - for me and for you - 'cause this week I watched LEECH WIZARD and now I get to tell you all about it. Okay, just a little about it.

This is one of those 70s-80s Indonesian no-budget horrors that substitutes real animal and human cruelty in place of special effects. I'm sure there are much more appalling examples - I've heard of them but haven't seen them. In this case, the aptly named "Leech Wizard" terrorizes the innocent with... plagues of leeches! Real leeches fall upon actors, crawl on their bodies, get poured into the open mouths of actors, etc etc etc. There is some very poor FX work where it (barely) looks like the leeches are underneath people's skin. And uh... that's it! Or that's about 8 minutes or so of a 90 minute film. The rest is mostly broad Bollywood-style comedy where characters run around yelling and gesticulating excitedly, comically "afraid" of the Leech Wizard but really just acting foolishly. Okay, I admit my copy had no subtitles so I honestly can't claim to know what the heck is happening in this film. But based on the visual storytelling and outsized performances, my best guess is: Not Much.

Near the end of the film, another magic man fights back against the Leech Wizard. Objects don't really fly around his hut... instead they look like they're feebly tossed at him by an offscreen P.A. Some of those objects ding him up a bit, and then his floor kind of collapses, and Leech Wizard falls in, and then the rest of the hut kind of collapses in on top of him. I'm pretty sure the actor climbed in a trench and then the crew just pushed all his furniture on top of him. That sounds awesome, right?  :bluesad:  :lookingup: Probably not fair to call this the worst film I've seen all year, but unless someone proves to me that the Indonesian dialogue was written by Harold Pinter or Tom Stoppard.......

0/0    I'd been on a winning streak of great ones lately and was bound to finally pull a stinker.

Tonight's Stinker
Hawk the Slayer (1980)
https://youtu.be/p159MJQ0vCo?si=TpuusuiFal4A5jHj
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/hawkslayer/

Sword & sorcery flick.... Lots of smoke & techno music...
Young prince must avenge his wife & father, rescue a nun & put some slavers out of business...

Quote from: LilCerberus on October 19, 2024, 09:29:33 PMTonight's Stinker
Hawk the Slayer (1980)
https://youtu.be/p159MJQ0vCo?si=TpuusuiFal4A5jHj
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/hawkslayer/

Sword & sorcery flick.... Lots of smoke & techno music...
Young prince must avenge his wife & father, rescue a nun & put some slavers out of business...

A real amateur treasure with the some well known actors in it.  John Terry plays Hawk like a block of wood  :teddyr:

Tonight's Stinker
Iron Warrior (1987)
https://youtu.be/c6X2Sfql4o8?si=Gjq3VPGCQHPW_On5

A strangely emasculate looking Miles O'Keeffe in a third reboot of the Ator mythos...
As children, a wicked witch kidnaps Ator's brother.... Eighteen years later, he spends his days posing in the mirror with his sword, the witch returns & crashes a princesses birthday....
Ator must escort the princess to safety & deal with the wicked witch & get in lots of sword fights...

Good cinematography at times, Malta makes for a good backdrop, Some surrealism, and riffable moments....
The witch likes to mess with people's heads, so the story gets confusing at times, especially at the end...

The Whispering Man - I haven't gotten to the end, but I refuse to watch the last 20 minutes. Every found footage  cliche in the book. The all Hungarian cast attempt to do the thing with their broken English. In the beginning I was skeptical, and my skepticism grew and grew. If I found this footage I would put it back where I found it.

1/5

Quote from: lester1/2jr on October 20, 2024, 09:51:58 PMIf I found this footage I would put it back where I found it.

:bouncegiggle:

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice 2024 . I don't know how I feel about this one I mean I did enjoy the movie - i'm happy that the original cast was in this movie - and the new girl that played Wendy Adams did  terrific!
but still, Not really sure how I feel about it though it's not my favorite movie but I definitely don't hate it

Not too bad but...   definitely I like the original the best  :wink:  :thumbup:

My favorite part was Monica Belushi's character she was absolutely beautiful

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fsportshub.cbsistatic.com%2Fi%2F2024%2F05%2F23%2Fa8d22d60-2459-4331-9475-7f0327259903%2Fbeetlejuice-2-monica-bellucci-beetlejuice-wife.jpg%3Fauto%3Dwebp%26width%3D1195%26height%3D675%26crop%3D1.77%3A1%2Csmart&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=62c7bd104c822628b1e25f0667be81dd5dd618150a0d83f805bc467f36f83892&ipo=images)

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE (2006)

checklist of doom:

*shot in that deep brown/yellow sepia tone that is not cool or edgy (but thinks it is): CHECK

*immature one-dimensional wannabe cool/edgy characters who are all insufferable douchebags: CHECK

*TMI girly bathroom scenes: CHECK

*literally every guy in the school is obsessed with one girl, like that's in any way realistic: CHECK

generally rubbish: CHECK

another failed post 2000 slasher attempt. no charm  no energy, not entertaining.  3/10

Grizzly

Not as good as Jaws, but ok on a long afternoon.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2002)

If you're going to put Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a movie you might as well play to his strengths (no pun intended, honest)... he could be just about any other actor here. in fact he seems like a bit-part actor even though he's the star of the movie... there is no 'Arnie-ness' in his performance at all.  totally generic international crimebusting dreariness and seriously lacking in fun.

Hubie Halloween 2020 Adam Sandler,

I want my 2 hours back...  :question:

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi1.wp.com%2Fcinemedios.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2020%2F10%2Fhubie_halloween.jpg%3Ffit%3D1920%252C1080%26ssl%3D1&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=dcd1449d17be9fb8860ea8fef357211d14612cdbc497973dd4b939e9de0300dd&ipo=images)

END OF DAYS (1999)

nonsensical, but way more watchable and entertaining than COLLATERAL DAMAGE, but once again Arnie is wasted. Arnie is virtually annonymous, and certainly not in 'Arnie' mode.

weird coincidence I noticed - Gabriel Byrne and Kevin Pollack who were both in THE USUAL SUSPECTS are in this as well, and like that film this one also contains the line "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he never existed"... spooky

MINORITY REPORT (2002)

Wow this was brutal and not in a good way. Absolutely cringe-inducing self important nonsense. on toast. and filmed in a horrible flourescent blue/white glare... couldn't even finish it. Not a big Cruise fan anyway but I'll give anything a fair chance. Disappointing.

Quote from: zombie no.one on October 30, 2024, 02:50:02 PMMINORITY REPORT (2002)

Wow this was brutal and not in a good way. Absolutely cringe-inducing self important nonsense.

Agreed wholeheartedly, though somehow I know that you and I are in a "minority" on this one.  :wink:  The cult of Spielberg was in full force support of this back in '02. Sure the premise is intriguing, but so much of the execution is thoughtless. Samantha Morton has been prostrate in a bathtub of saline for months or years but her muscle tone immediately returns as soon as she's released and she can run without hesitation.  :lookingup: Feh! One of the dumbest and worst from SS.

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

I really, really wanted to like this one but couldn't. It felt like three separate but equally underdeveloped plots were going on. The first time we watched it we missed how things ended with Monica Bellucci, so we watched it a second time the next night. The soundtrack seemed jarring and didn't fit with the movie. There were some decent performances, but nothing enough to save the film. I am sure the film will have its fans, but I couldn't bring myself to be one of them alas.

Quote from: M.10rda on October 31, 2024, 04:58:59 AMAgreed wholeheartedly, though somehow I know that you and I are in a "minority" on this one.  :wink: 

gonna have to "report" you for that terrible pun... (oh hang on now I've done it as well!)

yeah I had a couple of friends tell me to check it... reviews all saying it's one of Spielberg's best, blah blah... whatever he does I will always love DUEL and JAWS.

I think Spielberg's made at least 10 really good-to-great movies....... it's just his +/- 10 stinkers that I'll take issue with!

FTR I'll take 1941 over MINORITY REPORT aaaaaaany old day.

Quote from: M.10rda on November 01, 2024, 04:24:32 AMI think Spielberg's made at least 10 really good-to-great movies....... it's just his +/- 10 stinkers that I'll take issue with!

FTR I'll take 1941 over MINORITY REPORT aaaaaaany old day.

I'll add his War of the Worlds version to this thread.  I love the book and have read it countless times.  Spielberg's version seemed very half-arsed in its adaptation.  Some obvious nods to the 50's film took me right out of it.  The ridiculous arrival of the aliens in tiny pods that look too small for them.  The whole idea of the tripods being buried for ages.  Far too much focus on TC and his family problems.  The cop out of the tripods having shields.  Unsatisfying set pieces that also focus too much on TC and co.  Spielberg seemed determined to avoid the Independence Day style spectacle to the point where the film is boring and the invasion pushed way into the background.  The tripod design and sounds are the only things I like about it.

Just make a version set in the original period.  Hollywood seem to think that people won't accept that due to our visits to Mars, but i'm sure a large amount would.  Jeff Wayne's musical version has been going for years.  They could've gone for a victorian steam punk look. 

Tonight's Stinker
FLASHMAN (1967)
https://youtu.be/XRxcSeqzjQI?si=qTZxWYY5ZmE2HIop

An Italian goof of Batman, with a theme song to match...
A scientist creates an invisibility serum which is promptly stolen by gangsters...
Meanwhile, a group of pretty girls is running a counterfeiting ring at the same bank the invisible man decides to rob...
Flashman manages to get the money back from the gangsters & lead police to the counterfeiters, but then the invisible man & the leader of the girl gang decide to team up to rob the richest man in the world...

Very goofy, with plenty of riffable convenient plot twists....

^^^ I watched this in January, I think. The action was, shall we say... underwhelming?

Quote from: M.10rda on November 02, 2024, 11:10:49 PM^^^ I watched this in January, I think. The action was, shall we say... underwhelming?

Yeah, I think that was the point...

Mmmmmaybe? I'll acknowledge the very final boss fight was amusingly... understated, shall we say.

How Awful About Allen

Well made, but kinda slow TV movie. Some genuinely creepy moments, but nothing too scary. Not worth tracking down, but, if you already have a copy, go ahead & watch it.

Tonight's Stinker
The Two Headed Monster (1959) AKA Manster
https://youtu.be/unyV97WKNzY?si=VPBbyVwoPxgX5jdp

Painfully slow & plodding...
An American reporter in Japan visits a scientist who's been working on devolution... The scientist drugs the reporters drink & shoots him up with the devolution drug, then sends him on his way...
Back in Tokyo, the editor wants the reporter to take one last job, but he just wants to get back to New York to a marriage on the rocks from all his traveling....
This quickly changes when the scientist & his lovely assistant show up, taking him on lavish dinners & bath houses....
After a few days of this, he becomes a mean drunk...
Mostly Theremin for the first 45 minutes....

KRISPR (2023) - I'm interested in CRISPR technology so this caught my eye. Unfortunately, it totally sucked. I don't think it even has anything to do with CRISPR, which is about gene editing not creating a Frankenstein chick that chews through sci fi cliches in a totally predictable manner. What if a super intelligent being started doing evil and dishonest, rather than nice and good, stuff to gain advantage in a situation? Mind blowing!

I should have known when it was produced, directed and starred the same guy that it would disappoint. It was a chore to get through and the scenario itself was ridiculous. The guy brings a 100 million dollar science experiment living thing and shows his family and they aren't like "holy crap a lab created person" they just go about their Christmas party. His wife is annoyed the whole time.

not good enough to be good or bad enough to be bad. It did have a decent budget.

1.75 /5

Tonight's Stinker
The Flying Saucer (1950)
https://youtu.be/XUtbvrmMO6w?si=7ImYlFwBmFcye_44

A '50s spy mystery that doesn't move for the first thirty minutes, then gives away the entire plot in about five minutes...
A spy hiding out as a millionaire playboy is sent to his boring little hometown in Alaska to look for flying saucers, but first, he partnered with a female agent whose mission is to make his life as boring as possible...
Pretty slow paced, but makes up for it in video postcards....

We're so used to flying saucers being ufos, I was surprised the above movie was in the old inventor-sci-fi genre.

TWISTERS (2024):
I hadn't watched a movie in over two weeks and I guess I was desperate. Also, I wanted to spend time w/ my wife, and she kept mentioning she wanted to see this. Well, I got to spend time w/ her, so that's something.

I'll add that I never saw the original from the 90s, a fact that perplexes Madame to no end. It was slightly ahead of the P.S. Hoffman renaissance, I was never a huge Helen Hunt fan, and - well, it's people in trucks following tornadoes around. I didn't get the appeal. After watching TWISTERS, I still don't. After forty-five minutes of me predicting plot "twists", Madame finally began to cede my point to some degree. (Usually anticipating nominal "twists" is her job, but she's intellectually honest enough to acknowledge when she has been hoist by her own petard.)

By the way, we paused the film at that 45m mark to go get drink refills. I was aghast to see that more than 75m remained in the running time. 2h+ movies are often fine by me, but by 45 minutes in we'd already seen three major sequences of trucks chasing tornadoes. How many more sequences could we possibly have to look forward to in the film's balance??? Quite a few, as it turns out.

Tunde Adebimpe (a musician and sometime actor whom I like) has a small supporting role in this, and Kiernan Shipka (who I think is okay) is onscreen for about 5 minutes. Otherwise the large cast bored me to tears and/or irritated me consistently. Not a Hoffman among them. I trust James Gunn is getting more out of David Corenswet than this director got...

Finally I nodded off on the couch near the end and woke up to the leads gloating smugly while working on a truck during the closing credits. Usually I watch a full film before I'll review it but that time spent in slumberland was the highlight of TWISTERS for me. For that:

2/5

The soundtrack is mostly indistinguishable modern country-western music, which confused me. I do believe TWISTERS made a lot of money this summer so I guess the producers know their audience. Ah well, it's clear there's no shortage of stupid Americans...

so have they added an S to to imply it's a sequel, ALIEN(S) style?

original is a totally middling disaster flick for me, the highlight being Van Halen's kick ass theme song

btw, did you notice any scenes in this one where the twister passes directly over a house / barn / vehicle, and someone has to grab onto something for dear life, as their legs flail about in the air being sucked upwards by the twister?

that seems to be the standard occurrance in a 'twister'  apparently :bouncegiggle:

Yup, that happens within the first 10 minutes and then at regular intervals thereafter. This movie has only a couple tricks and it will gleefully perform them for you over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to a non-Van Halen/entirely 21st century C+W soundtrack while grinning smugly.  :bluesad:  :hatred:

I'm not against them in theory, but 99.9% of remakes / reboots / next gen 'sequels' have less than no reason to exist. it's actually depressing to think of all that energy money and time that could be put into making something original. - even if it's something original that sucks!

And on that very astute note re: remakes.......!

NIGHTWATCH (1994):
Heard about this one in the 90s (it was highly hyped at the time), heard about the remake, saw neither, then started watching this original last month for Halloween but gave up halfway through - just didn't seem worth the effort. Finished it yesterday - it wasn't worth the effort!

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (aka Jamie Lannister from GAME OF THRONES) has his breakthrough role as a young himbo who takes a job as an overnight security guard in a morgue. Weird things happen (sometimes) and he begins to think he's cracking up, or a serial killer is messing w/ him, or - something. To the extent that NIGHTWATCH took place entirely in the morgue, it would be a decent enough suspense thriller. It would also be about 45 minutes long or less. Well over half the running time is wasted outside of the morgue, on Nikolaj laying around naked with his girlfriend and on hanging out w/ his annoying and toxic best bud. All this extra-morgue frittering sets up an extremely labored third act "twist" (kinda' like the "twists" in TWISTERS... nominal at best) and really was mostly unnecessary and unwelcome. Nikolaj does have some discernible star quality, but he gets very little to do besides shudder and cringe in horror. Worst of all (SPOILERS), he spends 10+ minutes of the climax hogtied while other characters try to save him. Ugh.

Miramax bought the rights to NIGHTWATCH and then remade it in English, which seems like it could've been a fair plan - there's definitely plenty to improve upon here! - except that they hired original writer/director Ole Borndahl to (presumably) repeat his own mistakes! Nikolaj was replaced by Ewan McGregor, who must be perfectly cast as a good looking simp/wimp. The hot blonde girlfriend was played by Patricia Arquette, which also tracks, but they did upgrade the best friend role - in the original he's a schlubby Jeremy Piven-type w/o Piven's charisma, whereas in the remake he's Josh Brolin, who possibly might be very compelling in a way the original guy is not. The fourth lead in the original is a creepy homicide detective who provides most of the film's most interesting moments. Watching the original, I fantasized about perfect Anglo casting - unquestionably Sam Neill. Nope - it's Nick Nolte near the beginning of his long late-career habit of collecting checks while sleepwalking. Anyway the remake might be the one to watch if you're at all interested, but I won't be bothering.

2/5 There's also an underage prostitute who Nikolaj and Piven-lite patronize before she gets murdered. I suspect that character aged up a bit in the remake...

Tonight's Stinker
Flight to Mars (1951)
https://youtu.be/ARZX__yEhww?si=Ji4cANFKAuket__Y

Four men & a woman go to Mars....
The first thirty minutes are dreadful, with the pilot & woman going through a break-up in space, the reporter constantly trying to take advantage of the situation, and one of the scientists is a depresso pondering the futility of the mission.... Then the ship is hit by a meteor, & the crash-land on Mars...
There, they meet a group of Martians who promise to help them, but secretly plan to steal the ship & take over earth, while a group of dissidents help them escape.....

THE FOREIGNER (2003)

One of Steven Seagal's absolute worst, and I'm probably the biggest Steven Seagal apologist you'll meet. Boring, humdrum, beige, useless crime drama. Not so bad it's good. no fun at all to the point of being vaguely depressing.

OUT FOR A KILL (2003)

Despite playing exactly the same character as he always does, Seagal's next film after THE FOREIGNER is approx 1500% more entertaining. a complete clusterfruitcake of a plot, but zany and bonkers throughout. fantastically bad acting from most involved. At one point Seagal faces off against a guy who can randomly defy gravity and climb walls, running round them like a spider... what? this makes no sense and has no bearing on anything.

there's a scene in a tattoo parlour that is so badly acted / scripted I wish I could show it to you guys. can't find that bit on youtube

8.5 Stevens out of 10

Robinson Crusoe on Mars

Surprisingly well done. Some of the FX look more like something from the '80's than the '60's.

Fairly typical story of an astronaut who crashes on an alien world, then has to figure out how to survive.

Totally Killer (2023)

I enjoyed it!  :thumbup:

The Babe Ruth Story (1948)

Old Hollywood biopics have a formula: a man has a dream; he pursues that dream. Along the way, he meets a girl, & she helps him. On this basic outline, the writers hang bits & pieces of the subject's life, usually heavily fictionalized.

Allied Artists knows the formula, but they don't know when to stop the fiction. Babe cures no less than two kids through the power of baseball.

It's not the worst movie ever made; you can tell what's happening & what's happening is usually interesting, but it's not worth your time, unless you want to drink pure corn syrup.

Tonight's Stinker
The Vulture (1966)
https://youtu.be/HWaJv1hOHuk?si=7TpnV3KaZ01a4cCb

It has to do with a family of British aristocrats, whom several centuries earlier were cursed by the owner of a giant bird....
It starts with a school marm seeing the grave of the bird owner open up & a giant bird comes out...
Of course, nobody believes this except for an American scientist who (get this) doesn't believe in an olde witch's curse, but thinks that someone has been messing with "nuclear trans-mutations"....
From there, it turns into a slow, meandering whodunnit with only two suspects...
Of course, there is a monster, which is pretty goofy, with an almost "Scooby-Doo" reveal...

Quote from: LilCerberus on November 30, 2024, 09:48:57 PMTonight's Stinker
The Vulture (1966)
https://youtu.be/HWaJv1hOHuk?si=7TpnV3KaZ01a4cCb

It has to do with a family of British aristocrats, whom several centuries earlier were cursed by the owner of a giant bird....
It starts with a school marm seeing the grave of the bird owner open up & a giant bird comes out...
Of course, nobody believes this except for an American scientist who (get this) doesn't believe in an olde witch's curse, but thinks that someone has been messing with "nuclear trans-mutations"....
From there, it turns into a slow, meandering whodunnit with only two suspects...
Of course, there is a monster, which is pretty goofy, with an almost "Scooby-Doo" reveal...

Is the giant bird the size of a battleship?

Quote from: Dr. Whom on December 01, 2024, 04:17:26 AM

Quote from: LilCerberus on November 30, 2024, 09:48:57 PMTonight's Stinker
The Vulture (1966)
https://youtu.be/HWaJv1hOHuk?si=7TpnV3KaZ01a4cCb

It has to do with a family of British aristocrats, whom several centuries earlier were cursed by the owner of a giant bird....
It starts with a school marm seeing the grave of the bird owner open up & a giant bird comes out...
Of course, nobody believes this except for an American scientist who (get this) doesn't believe in an olde witch's curse, but thinks that someone has been messing with "nuclear trans-mutations"....
From there, it turns into a slow, meandering whodunnit with only two suspects...
Of course, there is a monster, which is pretty goofy, with an almost "Scooby-Doo" reveal...

Is the giant bird the size of a battleship?

Naw, it's the size of a man.  :wink:  :wink:

Tonight's Stinker
The Day the World Ended 1955
https://youtu.be/qU2ipDetUbI?si=MeMWQqguv4RTwYer

So, there's a nuclear war, and five people, an old prospector, a young geologist & his contaminated friend, a stripper & her no good boyfriend, come across a house where a retired Navy captain & his daughter are holed up...
The captain & the geologist are talking science, while the stripper's boyfriend has nothing nice to say about everyone else....
Meanwhile, the contaminated survivor develops a taste for raw meat, & later reveals there's a bigger mutant out there....
Not "that" bad, considering I'd already seen this gosh awful remake by Larry Buchannan....

BLADE (1998)

cheapo dvd purchase... one of those films I've been semi-aware of ever since it came out... never really known what it was about. Oh great it's a superhero vampire movie. managed about 1 hour of the 2. endless hyperactive CGI techno dross. go away.  to be fair it doesn't look 26 years old (to my eyes anyway).... in fact I have great difficulty in distinguishing between pretty much any year from 1998 to now, movie wise. all looks contemporaneous.

but I did pick up a Wesley Snipes 6-pack dvd box set of some of his mid 2000s movies - an era where he seemed to do a 'Seagal' and just star in numerous straight to dvd action flicks. yay

Grateful to see you review BLADE in the correct board.  :smile:     It has some positive points, including some nice casting in the supporting roles, but the leads sink it. I got ahold of the screenplay a year or two before it came out, back in the day where you didn't really know who the heck was even in a movie that far in advance. Read it and thought, Okay... you get three amazing actors as Frost, Whistler, and Blade... this movie will kick some a$$. Regrettably... they cast Stephen Dorff, Kris Kristofferson, and a sleepwalking Wesley Snipes instead.

The second one is a good time, though. The third one is the film that launched this very thread a little bit over one year ago... and it's still about ten times more entertaining than the original.  :thumbdown:

haha, didn't realise you kicked off the thread with pt3.... also I didn't mention that what I actually picked up was the whole trilogy box set (for £1.00... that was less than pretty much all their regluar single dvds. I mean, I probably would've even bought a box set of documentaries about seaweed if it was £1). will get round to attempting to watch the other 2, and compare notes with your assessment of number 3 afterwards. :)

Tonight's Stinker
BATTLE BENEATH THE EARTH (1967)
https://youtu.be/7IDYCQaU5Nw?si=OeHMd-dOOBd9fpXZ
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/battlebearth/

After an accident at a naval research base, a military scientist is put behind a desk...
During the drudgery of menial work, his secretary asks him to check in on her brother, who's an old friend, seismologist, and was recently committed to an asylum...
His friend shows him some charts displaying enemies of America boring tunnels underground...
The army guy investigates, and discovers a Fu Manchu wannabe, who's planting atomic bombs under every US city...

Not that exciting, but not unwatchable, IMHO.....

Just watched Y2K.  It's a light horror/light comedy, with a few chuckles, some smirks, but no outright laughs.  Likewise it's not really mean or nasty enough to really feel horror, and the kills it does have aren't really focused enough on to hit home. 

The plot is about how at midnight on 1999, machines immediately gain sentience, start building robot bodies out of every bit of machinery available and start killing people.

The real appeal in this movie is the focus on the late 90s highschool culture, particularly the very early internet.  I can see how people that weren't there for that wouldn't really be into it, but I thought it was fun.  Mild, but fun. 

Tonight's Stinker
Battle In Outer Space (1959)
https://youtu.be/0tDnW5Xhg44?si=NqXQ8FYMk4F7j5XA

Aliens attack a space station & several earth cities....
A science alliance in Tokyo develops a new kind of laser gun, & heads for the moon....
For some reason, all of this takes way longer than I'm describing.....

The movie feels like it's over after about an hour & ten minutes, but then they tack on another twenty minutes for a segment about Earth uniting & preparing for another alien attack, then a final battle.....

MURDER BY NUMBERS (2002)

glossy tv-movie-esque thriller garbage, but the fact that it never devolved into endless crazy explosions / car chases / screaming and fighting, meant I managed to stick out the 2 hour run time.

Sandra Bullock is a spikey detective who almost immediately susses out the guilty parties in a local murder, then spends the rest of the film fretting about life the universe and everything, before a ridiculously unberrrlieeevable ending.

Ryan Reynolds is a main character in this, playing a smarmy student... I thought that might make this the first film with him in that I've ever seen, but looking at imdb he was in SMOKIN ACES as well, which I did see when it came out - no recollection of him though.

I see he's also in BLADE TRINITY which I have lined up for a watch soon... turning into a regular Ryan Reynolds superfan over here

Is it Reynolds or Gosling? I've never seen it (not a Bullock fan) but I know my wife has. She is a big fan of both Ryans so it's a 50/50 throw...

HARDCORE POISONED EYES (2000):
The title for this SOV-horror flick must've been generated randomly on some early GeoCities' web app - nothing hardcore about it, no eyes are poisoned, you get the idea. Three Staten Island/Jersey girl tough chicks hole up in a cabin one winter night and talk and talk and talk and eventually start to worry about one or more Satanists stalking them in the nearby woods. Occasionally they take a break from kvetching about their relationships and careers to run blindly around in the snow screaming their heads off, then they go back inside, warm up, rinse and repeat.

The actresses are all lovely and seem like capable performers, and its admirable that the writer/director wanted to develop their characters, give them backstories, allow them to relate to each other as human beings, etc. But HPE is a real demonstration of how implausible and false dialogue can break a film completely. About three-quarters of the way the one gal reins in her hysteria long enough to soliloquize about how much she's sacrificed to pursue her career as a writer, and while I'd almost buy her motivation under the extreme circumstances, she's forced to express herself in such a clunky way that it just murders all possible tension, even more brutally than the Satanists would presumably murder these broads.

I did end up zoning out during this, maybe one of them does get poisoned (at least she starts puking blood at one point) but I remain 100% adamant that the film remains entirely softcore or sub-softcore throughout. Meh.

2/5

Also I suspect (due to the closing credits thanking "Anton Szandor Lavey" and others) that the auteur was one of those 90s edgelords who thought Satanism was super cool and edgy, and thus likely was unaware that Lavey spent most of his time kayfabe-ing, boozing it up, and having bisexual orgies, and probably exactly 0% of his time hunting and murdering young women in the woods.

Quote from: M.10rda on December 14, 2024, 09:31:29 AMIs it Reynolds or Gosling? I've never seen it (not a Bullock fan) but I know my wife has. She is a big fan of both Ryans so it's a 50/50 throw...

woah, you're correct, it's Gosling. what a basic error, although in my defence I really have no idea who anyone is these days  :bouncegiggle:

- just checked Gosling's imdb and yeah that's the first of his movies I've seen :)

He's a good actor, more range than Reynolds, but they're both just pretty muscular white guys. Dime a dozen!

Quote from: M.10rda on December 14, 2024, 10:27:32 AMAlso I suspect (due to the closing credits thanking "Anton Szandor Lavey" and others) that the auteur was one of those 90s edgelords who thought Satanism was super cool and edgy, and thus likely was unaware that Lavey spent most of his time kayfabe-ing, boozing it up, and having bisexual orgies, and probably exactly 0% of his time hunting and murdering young women in the woods.

he was also credited as a 'consultant' (or something similar)  on THE CAR which I watched the other day, which had zero examples of anything resembling wizardy witchcraft that I was aware of...

never heard of this film, weird title indeed. sounds more like an Alanis Morrisette album title :)

Tonight's Stinker
Empire of Ash (1988) AKA Empire of Ash II (1989)
https://youtu.be/3PYrC-Yr_vY?si=zF1pqvPO0H7tMC2f

Really low budget Mad Max ripoff, slow paced with no real plot...
Punk rockers in a big truck drive around shooting everyone they see, while a worldly preacher cheers them on...
They kill an old man, & kidnap his grand daughter... After a while, her sister shows up, meets a nomad who promptly gets kidnapped by mutants, and she decides to go rescue him, because he knows where the punk rockers took her sister....
Some action scenes, with stunts & pyrotechnics that aint so bad considering the budget...

The Next Karate Kid - I finally saw this one.  It's bad.  Some of the training sequence stuff with Swank is kind of fun and her and Miyagi have some good moments (I like the dance part), but man, not much else is worth anything.  It's just bland and very poorly written, a lot of very bad dialogue and structure, with a way over the top pair of villains, and not fun ones like in part 3.  One is super rapey, which is a bit much for the film really.  And then he just kind of turns at the end?  Which doesn't feel at all earned, unlike Johnny in 1.  The production feels like a big budget TV movie. 

The director also did The Principal and Young Guns, which are both MUCH better made really, which is saying something.  I dunno.  Didn't care for it, and I'd call it the worst of the quadrilogy, if we can call it that.

7% on Rotten Tomatoes seems about right.

For an amusing bit, when they let the hawk in the film go free, watch for a smaller bird trying to show it whose boss in some shots.  Thought it was funny that ended up in the film.  Also look for Walton Goggins in a small role as a minor villain, his first named role in fact.

Quote from: zombie no.one on December 14, 2024, 05:56:28 PMnever heard of this film, weird title indeed. sounds more like an Alanis Morrisette album title :)

 :bouncegiggle: You're absolutely correct. Perhaps the working title was SUPPOSED FORMER SATANISM JUNKIE! Heck, the whole film really belongs "Under Rug Swept"! Stop me, I'm on a roll!

arf...

"it's like a good movie, when all you need is a bad movie" [/irony]

Tonight's Stinker
1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)
https://youtu.be/gqm_nD1kKxk?si=ISnlal0rtLKUabzj

Starts out with a premise like "Escape From New York", then turns into a ripoff of "The Warriors"....
A poor little rich girl escapes her handlers in Manhattan, & falls in with a biker gang in The Bronx...
Her handlers hire a dirty cop to bring her back, but he's more interested in starting a gang war...

Trouble Every Day (2001)

This one caught my attention because of Béatrice Dalle, who made a deep impression on me way back when 37°2 le matin came out. It is about a couple on their honeymoon to Paris, where the husband is in fact trying to track down a former associate of his. The latter has retired and is nursing his wife (Dalle) who is either a vampire, or a serial killer with vampiric tendencies. Anyway, there is lots of blood.

This not such a bad movie, and have been hesitating what category I would put it in. It is just that everything. is. so. damn. slow. This makes 2001 Space Odyssey look like something by Michael Bay.You have the classic way of padding out runtime by having your characters do mundane stuff in realtime. Even the things that matter, take way too long. Near the end, there is a brutal rape scene, which keeps going on, making it especially disturbing and voyeuristic.

You can easily cut it down to about one hour, and have a watchable movie. People have taken issue with the disjointed way of storytelling. This didn't bother me, except that many scenes are just there, adding nothing.

I don't necessarily disagree w/ any of your comments about TROUBLE EVERY DAY. It wasn't a rollercoaster of a viewing experience for me. But it's one of those films that lives in my mind and plays out perpetually in my recollections... perhaps a more rewarding film to remember and think about than it is to actually watch.

Quote from: M.10rda on December 17, 2024, 09:01:21 PMI don't necessarily disagree w/ any of your comments about TROUBLE EVERY DAY. It wasn't a rollercoaster of a viewing experience for me. But it's one of those films that lives in my mind and plays out perpetually in my recollections... perhaps a more rewarding film to remember and think about than it is to actually watch.

I can believe that. Memory only tends to retain the significant parts, and not the pointless scenes or those that simply take too long. At one point the young wife goes through her husband's luggage and finds medication. This takes two shots, during which she examines 6 (I've counted) boxes of pills. If you cut out all of the dead wood, you're left with quite a decent movie.

Quote from: LilCerberus on December 15, 2024, 10:19:39 PMTonight's Stinker
1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)
https://youtu.be/gqm_nD1kKxk?si=ISnlal0rtLKUabzj

Starts out with a premise like "Escape From New York", then turns into a ripoff of "The Warriors"....
A poor little rich girl escapes her handlers in Manhattan, & falls in with a biker gang in The Bronx...
Her handlers hire a dirty cop to bring her back, but he's more interested in starting a gang war...

Tried to re-watch this recently but couldn't get through it.  I admire some of the location shooting in the States.  The sequel is better as it just goes for action.  And Henry Silva is great in it.

HIRED TO KILL (1990)

A cut-price action hero dude and a bunch of randomly assembled women are hired to infiltrate a south american country disguised as a fashion designer and models, and depose evil Oliver Reed.

Ludicrously trashy and cheesy, with the main guy hero being the most openly misogynystic character I think I've ever seen in a film. he hates his mission, he hates his undercover models, and they all hate each other too. (at one point they have a poolside cat fight over which of them has and hasn't had an orgasm.)

Oliver Reed gives a pretty good Bond-villain esque performance

Take your 2024 head off and replace it with your 1990 head, and this is a decent slice of guilty fun

Tonight's Stinker
Ice Planet (2001)
https://youtu.be/6FjI-pYFUOQ?si=KBO9ucxP4d3a8qAe

An unsold pilot for a tv series, so a lot of questions are raised that are never fully resolved....
On a distant world, an earth colony is attacked by unknown aliens...
A number of them manage to escape in an experimental spaceship that takes them to the ice world...
They discover the ice crystals contain infinite data, There's a tribe of Eskimos already living on the planet, and the aliens are still after them....
Sub par CGI for it's time, rather decent cast....

Tonight's Stinker
Solar Crisis (1990)
https://youtu.be/6bHrkPCRBU4?si=00NqcLkWPByXTQwg

Decent little sci-fi action, with an a list b-movie cast...
Solar flares are cooking the earth, so the military builds a couple ships & a talking bomb to fix it....
Meanwhile, a big greedy evil corporation has planted a rather obvious saboteur on board so that when the big one hits, they'll have control of all the world's resources....
Also on earth, the mission commanders son has run away from military school, gets lost in the desert, & encounters many colorful characters....
Decent pacing...

DEAR SANTA (2024):
Apparently this opened in theaters just a month ago, surprisingly grossed a not-unimpressive $110 million, but then quickly f****d right off to make room for WICKED and MOANA 2 and seems to have already been streaming for free on one or more of my services for weeks. I guess that's a respectable theatrical run these days...

Anyway we wanted something Christmas-y and amusing but horror-adjacent but also not too grotesque tonight and this seemed to fit the bill and obv it was calculated to fit that bill and it just about did the trick until the final 10-15 minutes. The premise is such an obvious joke that it's incredible no one built a movie around it until now. Jack Black has driven worse vehicles and it's always a reliably good time to watch him dance, prance, mince, gesticulate, et al. Also he's never looked more like Jack Elam than he does here, so that's good. He plays all his scenes opposite a socially awkward dyslexic sixth grader, whose best friend is essentially a live-action version of Mushmouth from "The Cosby Kids". The fact that both young characters are generally afforded dignity (in spite of their undignified circumstances) is to the credit of the Farrelly Bros, who - whatever else I will say about them below - do have a track record for treating non-white and developmentally disabled characters a little better than they've historically been treated in many other white Hollywood comedies.

Okay, that said, this is ultimately some toothless B.S. decorated with a few edgy jokes that nod in the general direction of molestation, a scene where a supporting character loses control of their bowels, and a running gag about a terminal illness. Those "adornments" aside, Mark Twain wrote a more provocative satire about Satan interacting with small children 115 years ago. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE is actually a lot darker and more mordant than this thing. DEAR SANTA is a yuletide morality tale pitched at the intellectual level of adolescents and replete with the sort of humor that men in their late 60s think adolescents will appreciate, but bereft of anything so controversial that might alarm the parents who are taking their adolescent kids to see it. As a result you get tacked-on climactic maudlin sentimentality that's more offensive in its artifice than all the poop jokes in the world.

This shouldn't surprise me, though I tapped out of the Farrelly oeuvre completely about 18 years ago. Prior to that point, their films reflected just enough subtlety as well as some subversive or even progressive elements, among the myriad scatology, to remain of interest. Still you could track the devolution from KINGPIN and TSA MARY through SHALLOW HAL and MM&IRENE as the brothers allowed their more perverse instincts to get progressively more homogenized, terminating in the tragically misbegotten STUCK ON YOU. Maybe someday Aaron Schimberg can resurrect and do justice to that promising concept, but in the meanwhile, I guess the most perverse gesture we can expect from the Farrellys is to construct an extended set piece around Post Malone.

2.5/5

Co-starring the somewhat irritating PJ Byrne, a tiny Kyle Gass cameo, Keegan-Michael Key in a few short scenes without Black  :bluesad: , and an uncredited Ben Stiller in one scene technically with Black though they were probably not on the same soundstage during production. The rest of the adult cast consists of nameless unknowns who give indifferent performances, and one's suspicion that the entire budget went towards Black's paycheck is compounded when the "big" Post Malone concert appears to be attended by no more than 75 or so extras. I totally understand - how many actors can a major Hollywood production afford to pay to stand around and pretend to be enthusiastic about watching Post Malone perform? Surely no more than 75.

The New Barbarians/Warriors of the Wasteland (1983)

In the year 2019, nine years after the nuclear holocaust, survivors try to escape the Templars, who are bent on exterminating the human race.

A laughably cheap Italian Mad Max rip off. They spent what budget they had on modified cars, pyrotechnics and a bit of costuming. There is no script to speak of and everything takes place in the same quarry and on one stretch of road. At least Fred Williamson seems to have had a blast. Also the end of civilisation clearly hasn't affected the capacity of hairdressers to come up with really impressive hairdos.
The only thing that makes it stand out from your run of the mill post apocalyptic movie are the homo-erotic overtones.

Bells / Murder By Phone (1982)

Haven't seen this in years 😄

Quote from: Dr. Whom on December 26, 2024, 11:49:27 AMThe New Barbarians/Warriors of the Wasteland (1983)

In the year 2019, nine years after the nuclear holocaust, survivors try to escape the Templars, who are bent on exterminating the human race.

A laughably cheap Italian Mad Max rip off. They spent what budget they had on modified cars, pyrotechnics and a bit of costuming. There is no script to speak of and everything takes place in the same quarry and on one stretch of road. At least Fred Williamson seems to have had a blast. Also the end of civilisation clearly hasn't affected the capacity of hairdressers to come up with really impressive hairdos.
The only thing that makes it stand out from your run of the mill post apocalyptic movie are the homo-erotic overtones.

Terrible film.  It's been paired with the two Bronx Warriors films on disc and it makes them look like masterpieces.

Tonight's Stinker
The Neanderthal Man (1953)
https://youtu.be/yy-DZEe8FXg?si=_GM8w4MD1gFYY0QR

In a Northern California mountain town, a sabre toothed tiger has escaped from a scientists lab, and is now attacking local cattle....
The scientist tries to pitch his discovery to a group of elitist snobs, and it doesn't help that he's also a narcissistic twerp, so he goes back to the mountain town & starts conducting the experiments on himself....

Pretty decent paced movie, manages to stay engaging.....

FREEZER BURN: THE INVASION OF LAXDALE (2009):
Discovered accidentally while searching for another indie film from the late 00s titled "FREEZER BURN", didn't find it and watched this for what seemed like an unbeatable onscreen duo: Tom Green and Crispin Glover. Sadly they are onscreen together very little and the film is more Bad than Good but it's odd enough to review here.

In an inversion of THE THING, heat-loving/cold-fearing aliens mount a slo-mo invasion of... a small Canadian town! Although the film is a comedy, very little attention is drawn to this bit of irony. (Why not invade someplace in Arizona or New Mexico? Because the Canadian government underwrote this production, that's why.) Everyone in town is too financially desperate and/or stupid to refuse the benefaction of the encroaching ETs... except of course for former high school hockey star Green, his elderly hockey coach, and a mysterious leggy blonde newcomer in town. Naturally a zamboni will come into play near the film's climax.

If you've seen more than half a dozen low-budget sci-fi/comedies from Canada (as, incredibly, I have!) little about FREEZER BURN will surprise you. It starts off sloooooow and understated to a fault, which we could credit to the budget but also to the Canadian sense of humor, which either runs off-the-wall absurd (sometimes to ingenious ends) or alternately tacky and tiresomely deadpan, as is mostly the case here. The pace does pick up in the final half hour and accelerates to an almost LEONARD PART 6-degree of schticky mayhem, which may float your boat if you're a fan of evil aliens being slain with a variety of food products. The SFX aren't up to snuff and most of the ensemble acting is amateurish, but I guess if you bought a ticket for boob jokes, hockey jokes, and drunk Canadian jokes, none of that will matter.

But I bought my ticket (so to speak) for Tom Green, and I guess I sort of got my proverbial money's worth, not via Green doing what Green was known for doing (...fortunately...?) but from Green quite perversely delivering an almost completely sincere, serious performance as a depressed alcoholic failure, amidst an otherwise frivolous alien farce. Not to say his work is extremely accomplished or anything, but it's clear that Green (somehow) decided to play his lead role entirely straight and sideline all his trademarked lunatic clowning, and - it's kind of fascinating to watch. If you squint sometimes, Tom Green almost looks like a puffier Gerard Butler and thus you can sort of buy him as a no-nonsense action hero/dramatic lead. Heck, it's almost even plausible when the lonely femme fatale, who has the body of a Baywatch star and the face of a weathered truck-stop waitress, climbs on Green's lap and tries to erotically entreat him.

The guys who play Green's coach and the town mayor are also strong enough actors to almost get the weak material over. I gather that the producers could only get Glover on-set for a few days to play the alien Big Bad. He pops up throughout the film but has little dialogue and usually menaces Green in wide cutaways. Amusingly however Glover looks, speaks, and behaves like Ronald Lacey's iconic Major Toht from RAIDERS..., so, that's... something.

2.5/5
Trigger warning: Dog fried by alien heat-laser.  :bluesad:

Green only made a few more features after this, none of which I've heard of or am likely to watch. We'll always have FREDDY GOT FINGERED, anyway.

KILL BILL VOL 2

although I've rewatched Vol 1 maybe a couple of times, don't think I've seen vol 2 again since it came out.

feels like Tarantino is a slave to his own hype at this point. it's all style and almost no substance, but not any kind of style that competes with his first 2 films. Everything feels a bit laboured and overly self aware.

Carradine is good but I never really found Uma Thurman all that compelling... :shrugs:

5/10

I think the first chunk w/ Madsen is very good; the last stretch w/ Carradine, incredibly anti-climactic, particularly after the dizzying heights that KB1 reached in its second hour. Indeed, QT high on his own supply...

Tonight's Stinker
Beacon Point (2016)
https://youtu.be/WVVTOb1Z3aw?si=z_tpsdRRh8P4kBWG

An Appalachian trail guide starts a fight with his boss over his criminal record, killing him in the process...
As he's trying to sneak out, the hikers he was supposed to lead show up... He tries to talk his way out of it, but fails.....
Early in the hike, they run into some other hikers who have found a dead body... Knowing the authorities will soon be all over the place, the guide decides to lead the group off trail, and grows increasingly cross every time someone asks where he's leading them...
About 35 minutes in, the guide & one of the hikers start having dreams about being abducted by aliens, & another gets sick....
Talky & fairly slow paced, many questions go unanswered aside from hints at an old indian legend.....

Quote from: M.10rda on December 29, 2024, 09:23:38 PMI think the first chunk w/ Madsen is very good; the last stretch w/ Carradine, incredibly anti-climactic, particularly after the dizzying heights that KB1 reached in its second hour. Indeed, QT high on his own supply...

yeah I do like Masden (I mean he's in SPECIES, how could I not  :smile: )... but Tarantino's first 2 films actively drew me in, and made me feel like I was in that world. Whereas every film he's done since almost feels like I have to put myself in that 'world' first, in order to enjoy? (strange observation maybe... not had my morning caffeine injections yet). Agree KB1 was better handled.

Quote from: zombie no.one on December 30, 2024, 05:32:34 AMTarantino's first 2 films actively drew me in, and made me feel like I was in that world. Whereas every film he's done since almost feels like I have to put myself in that 'world' first, in order to enjoy?

Seems fair. His films have generally grown more aggressively formalist after JACKIE BROWN, often to the detriment of audience engagement. I think I'd consider DJANGO and OUATIHOLLYWOOD my two favorite QT films overall but on the account that they rather buck the trend of the BILLs, DEATH PROOF, BASTERDS, and H8FUL, all of which go out of their way to alienate the viewer in one way or in several others.

ah, not actually seen OUATIHOLLYWOOD yet... need to check it. I know it divided opinion but all his stuff tends to, so nothing new there.

I tried to buy C.H.U.D. today, but only the incredibly lousy sequel seems to be easily available in region 2... the guy at the store actually knew what C.H.U.D. stood for when I asked about it. I kind of 'whooped' out loud when he said it, and nearly went to try and hi-five him, but restrained myself.

LOL, you fly that freaky C.H.U.D. flag!  :cheers:

Tonight's Stinker
Deluge (1933)
https://youtu.be/wpduvYP1QVU?si=JL6W3MV1kbar3TwZ

The end of the world, earthquakes, torrential thunderstorms, very fast paced for the first twenty minutes...
Then it's all over, & a lawyer separated from his family meets a pro swimmer... She's on the run from a brutish survivalist, while unbeknownst to both of them, the lawyers family has survived and is living in a tourist town a few miles away....
Meanwhile, the survivalist takes up with a bad gang.....

Star Knight/Knight of the Dragon (1985)

This is one the YT algorithm suggested to me. So I clicked, and saw Klaus Kinski, Harvey Keitel and Fernando Rey on the opening credits, and was interested enough to keep on watching.

That was a bad decision. This movie has absolutely nothing going for it. In an undetermined Medieval setting, a spaceship lands and is mistaken for a dragon. Also the alien and the daughter of the local count fall in love. The whole thing can best be described as Monty Python and the Holy Grail without the funny bits. The dubbing does it no favours either, making even Klaus Kinski sound subdued. The spaceship is pretty though.

Okay, I kind of resolved to do fewer frivolous rewatches in 2025 but then I put in an old DVD of CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS for a first-time viewing yesterday and instead Dark Skies (remember them?) treated me to a "Drive-In Experience", including opening and intermission reels (mmmm, mouth-watering jumbo red hots "done to a turn") as well as coming attractions (for FRANKENSTEIN VS THE SPACE MONSTER, HORROR AT PARTY BEACH, THE FLESH EATERS (!), and 1963's DOG EAT DOG, which I should check out one of these days). The "drive-in" offered a "double feature" and the second feature, as it turns out, was HUMANOIDS. It also had a headliner (unfortunately). What it didn't have when I first put it in was a working title menu... so all I could do was click "play" and watch all the concession counter ads and sneak previews and the entire first feature... lol... the "FF" also wasn't working on the disk.  :lookingup:

So, that first feature is one I've seen previously and wouldn't have chosen to watch again. I should've cleaned the house or done some other work while it was playing, but it was Saturday after a not-particularly-relaxing Christmas vacation, so I just laid inert on the couch w/ my cat Special Agent Tail Cooper on my chest.

Okay, what the menu screen and the title on the print declare that the film in question is... is WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS. It's obviously dubbed and the title on the print appears abruptly on an old blue toaster backdrop w/ white block letters, so I was suspicious. Almost immediately I knew "I've seen this" and the instinct was confirmed eventually. The credits rolled and I nodded - Ah yes, one of those Antonio Margheriti space operas w/ the cool lighting and nothing else good about them! Nevertheless, given the lack of uneventfulness about this one, I was pretty sure it was the first one - WILD WILD PLANET (1966)... especially on the account that the astronauts are traveling to an evil red planet that they keep calling uhh the "wild planet".......

So I Googled "Margheriti" and made the mistake of clicking on his Wiki. The first one listed under his credits is BATTLE OF THE PLANETS, which it says was a 1961 release about an evil red planet starring Giacomo Rossi Stuart, who is definitely the lead in this one... but then lists WILD, WILD PLANET as "1966" and none of the other films in what I thought was a four (4) film series. Whaa? Okay, Wiki, you've failed me again. I go to IMDB. Nope - BATTLE OF THE PLANETS is 1961, directed by Margheriti, and has a similar plot to what I watched, but it stars Claudie Rains (!!!) w/ no Giacomo Rossi-Stuart. Then, in 1966, we begin the GRS Space Cycle proper: 1.) WILD, WILD PLANET, which is apparently about an evil space scientist and not what I watched at all; 2.) WAR OF THE PLANETS; 3.) and then, I crap you not, WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS; and finally, 4.) THE SNOW DEVILS.

Wait, you mean to tell me there are three films by Antonio Margheriti titled BATTLE OF THE PLANETS, WAR OF THE PLANETS, and WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS, and all of them are different films?! Yep - BATTLE has Claude Rains, WAR OF THE PLANETS has Franco Nero, and ol' Giacomo is only in WAR BETWEEN....... but then what, I say, what is WAR OF THE PLANETS (1977)??? ...Which I know I've also suffered through in the past??? A totally different film by Alfredo Brescia that still looks like it was made in 1966.

Honestly I have profound suspicions that most of these reuse the same space footage and some of the same alien planet footage (which is very cool). The thing that I found depressing about WBTP this time (besides its snail's pace) is how much effort the filmmakers clearly invested in building miniatures of futuristic cities and spacecraft, designing alien planets, lighting things to look cool, and even moving the camera around in portentous ways... and even how much effort the actors were putting into looking serious about their roles... and yet the story is utter careless trash and nothing happens for an hour and the viewer is bored senseless in spite of all the technical aspirations. Wotta' waste!

2/5
In spite of this, I still foolishly want to watch SNOW DEVILS one day...

Much of that confusion is due to a marked lack of imagination in coming up with English titles. The Italian titles are I diafanoidi vengono da Marte, I criminali delle galassia, Il pianeta errante and La morte viena dal pianeta Aytin. The Italian wiki informs me that these were simultaneously over 12 weeks, reusing much of the sets and the cast. Apparently Margheriti wanted to produce the SF equivalent of the spaghetti Western.

the Italian manager of a shop round the corner from where I work is a big fan of this guy, and told in Italy he is known by the nickname 'Dawson'... I told them that sounds like an english name. (I've only just seen by checking imdb now that was actually his pseudonym, didn't realise that.)


He did CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE .. love that one!

Creation of the Humanoids goes incredibly hard. The script must be 4,000 pages long.

I'll review CREATION OTH this week. Hard it goes indeed!  :cheers:

I like some "Dawson" movies. CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE is easily the most fun Italian cannibal movie (a distinction kind of like being the tallest member of the Seven Dwarves) and according to some sources he also directed much of Paul Morrissey's ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN. (Morrissey says Margheriti was only credited for legal purposes but those films are classy and crap in equal enough measure that it's possible Margheriti was involved in the direction.)

Tonight's Stinker
Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012)
https://youtu.be/BTmCyhZxs3Y?si=bvTb1-STC7qNNjno

Researchers at the south pole discover Josef Mengele is still up to his old tricks...
Mostly torture & gore-sploitation for the first hour, then we find out they saved Hitler's brain, turned him into a transformer, & built a flying saucer...
Then the movie changes pace, & there's a shootout with lasers that make things disappear...
Pretty slow & dreadful...

^ I loved that one

CHRISTINE (1983)

Thought I'd seen this before? maybe only saw the trailer.

Not a *bad* movie, but

-  I never felt like I really knew the main character (who also steadily turns into a douchebag)

- never felt like I knew why he had such a strong connection to the car

- the car itself was simply not treated like much of a sinister entity. It did not have enough of a malevolent presence in the film bearing its name.

- sllllooooowwwwww pacing.

Enjoyed the general early 80s horror ambience though, and the opening 'highschool antics' section was fairly entertaining... shame it then stalled and never got out of first gear (pun totally not intended, much)

I agree that CHRISTINE could be better (and snappier), and that it misuses its good cast and Keith Gordon as Arnie, particularly. I had a lot of sympathy (okay... empathy!) for him early on, but if he'd become a truly tragic anti-hero or even villain, that would've been fine. But Arnie sadly underdelivers... or the screenplay underdelivers on Arnie's promise.

he seems to go from hapless geek to shady badass in no time at all...then we feel distant from him, even though he's the lead. strange

- it has 63 ten-star written reviews on imdb, out of 366 reviews total... so about 1 in every 6 reviews gave it a ten!  clearly has its devotees.

SERIAL MOM (1994)

Am I in the minority here? Is it just me who doesn't like any John Waters film?
I've seen MULTIPLE MANIACS (1970), CRY BABY (1990), CECIL B. DEMENTED (2000), and now this one. I found it boring, predictable, and with the humor level of a 12 year old. Painfully unfunny. Maybe I'm missing something.

I think your feelings are valid and permissible.  :thumbup:  :smile:

SERIAL MOM is one of his better ones and one that generally seems to please most viewers, so if you didn't like it, I guess there's little point in recommending DESPERATE LIVING, FEMALE TROUBLE, or the original HAIRSPRAY. Those are the ones I like most. Oh, A DIRTY SHAME is also a good time... possibly.

also can't seem to get into any of his films. just the general vibe / ambiance, irks me somehow... one of my brothers is a massive JW fan and has met  (fan stalked) him a few times...

^ Yeah...his stuff is supposed to be funny or shocking. Maybe in 1959.... and Divine eating dog s**t doesn't make you a good film maker- just tasteless.
Maybe his tweaking the nose at accepted film norms  was trendy in 1970, but I find it merely boring and irritating.

I just watched the new Nosferatu. 

Extremely disappointing.  For one thing, they ditched the iconic design for something a lot more plain and boring.  A guy in a fur coat with a bushy mustache, and he... talked... very... slow... with... a... very... thick... accent. He didn't even have the iconic two front teeth. 

One of my biggest issues was just how incredibly dark the whole thing was.  You could barely see what was going on in some scenes.  The scene that did take place in the light, were completely desaturated and drained of any life of color they had. 

Now, I know this is a remake, and a copy of Dracula, but the whole thing just felt like it's been done and they were just going through the motions.  There was no twist, no new angles, or actors taking things in a different direction. 

I actually started nodding off a few times in the theater. 

Lips of Blood/Lèvres de sang (1975)

At a reception a man sees a photo of a ruined castle, which brings back childhood memories of meeting a mysterious girl there. The image of that girl now haunts his imagination and he desperately tries to find her.

A pretty standard erotic vampire movie by Jean Rollin. Apparently this was rereleased with hardcore scene a year later.
This is very nearly a good movie. It makes absolutely no sense, but the protagonist's quest through a deserted nighttime Paris had a dreamlike coherence. The problem is that the whole thing is built around the main actor, who clearly thought this would be his breakout role, and he is just awful.

Chainsaw, I was glad to read your review and see that someone else had the same experience and criticisms of the new NOSFERATU. If I'm going to watch a slow and mostly uneventful vampire movie, I'll go with a Jean Rollin flick any day!  :thumbup:

And how many time did they do that "Character suddenly wakes up in shock only to realize within 30 seconds that they weren't dreaming and that stuff actually did happen"?

Quote from: RCMerchant on January 08, 2025, 08:54:00 PMSERIAL MOM (1994)

Am I in the minority here? Is it just me who doesn't like any John Waters film?
I've seen MULTIPLE MANIACS (1970), CRY BABY (1990), CECIL B. DEMENTED (2000), and now this one. I found it boring, predictable, and with the humor level of a 12 year old. Painfully unfunny. Maybe I'm missing something.

I liked CRY BABY and Hairspray, none of the others really.

Tonight's Stinker
The Unknown Terror (1957)
https://youtu.be/MhJ1qFLyoBE?si=ZWI1TFWQl_uvE61S

A famous explorer disappears, & his brother in law has been searching for him, and it's all over the news....
The news attracts a mutual friend, a former spelunker with a limp....
A calypso singer plays a song about the cave he was looking for, and a south American Indian is supposed to explain the song, but chickens out...
After accepting a bribe, the indian agrees to to show the two men & a woman to his village, where they're not to happy to see him back....
The trio moves on to the lair of an evil mad scientist, who's been working with a fungus, & encounter local superstitions, men in monster suits and the cave they were looking for, NONE of which is ever explained to any real satisfaction.....

KRAVEN THE HUNTER (2024):
This made no sense when we tried to watch this around Christmas and tapped out after a decent first 10 minutes and then a grueling, WHOLLY unnecessary 25-minute flashback to Kraven's childhood. Then I learned that Aaron Taylor-Johnson has been tapped to be the next James Bond and I guess KRAVEN makes more sense as a 2+ hour demo tape for ATJ to do parkour, leap from tall heights, chase vehicles on foot, cling to the sides of vehicles or trail behind vehicles on rope ladders, flip off or out of vehicles as they crash, and all manner of other unrealistic things that Bond might do. I think ATJ honestly looks a little goofy in close-up - too earnest yet a little vacant, in the manner of Ben Stiller satirizing Tom Cruise - but he looks credible in wide shot doing all the action stuff. 

I suppose KRAVEN might also serve as an audition to direct a future Bond movie for J.C. Chandor, who used to direct serious films about people having conversations. Oddly Chandor handles the action in KRAVEN pretty well, including some light gore during JOHN WICK-style mayhem, but all of the (plentiful) long dialogue scenes are stultifying in extremis. The recurring theme from many previous Sony adaptations of Marvel Comics is the bizarre attempt to obfuscate the source material. Kraven Junior assumes the mantle from Kraven Senior in comics, so having Russell Crowe play Sr. makes sense until you realize he's just plain old "Nikolai Kravenov", a Russian mobster whose conflict w/ Jr. is strictly movie melodrama w/ nothing to do w/ superheroism or supervillainy. The big bad is Alessandro Nivola as the Rhino and he does actually go full Rhino @ the end and looks pretty close to what the Rhino looks like in comics, for all of 5 minutes... but honestly the film would've been a lot more lean and less tiresome if Crowe had just played the Rhino and we'd done away w/ all the family BS. There's also a supporting villain named the Foreigner who, like Madame Web, has appeared in about half a dozen Spider-Man comics in 40 years... so he's a cool deep cut on one hand, but on the other hand he's just a generic guy in a black jumpsuit.

Also like MADAME WEB and other Sony/Marvel movies, KRAVEN seems like a prequel to future franchise films, presumably where he hunts Michael Keaton's Vulture et al. At the very end of the film he finally puts on the iconic lion-pelt vest that he wears in the comic, then sits down and looks at himself in the mirror #thrillsville'24 - roll credits. KRAVEN will likely never get a sequel as it grossed only half of its production budget, but presumably AJT's future as James Bond remains intact. I recommend that AJT lose that dumb mullet, though!

2.5/5

Ridiculously surnamed Kravenovs that appear in this film include Nikolai, Sergei, and Dmitri... would it have killed them to give the audience a few laughs and hire Matt Berry for a day to cameo as "Uncle Lazlo" from the British isles?

BREEDERS aka DEADLY INSTINCTS (1997):
Understandably confusable with BREEDERS (1986) which I haven't seen though which seems to have a very similar plot, this BREEDERS (aka DEADLY INSTINCTS) seems like a very typical slice of 90s cheese. Bad movies from the 60s, 70s, and 80s all have very distinct bouquets and flavors, if you will, and I can appreciate those on their own merits or lack of merits. But I came of age watching many, many bad movies of the 90s, and to my mind, most of them just congeal into a single homogenous, amorphous mass of indigestible lard. B/DI isn't the worst I've seen, yet all the ways its bad are ways in which countless other 90s movies are bad. As a result, not that interesting!

In what I am pretty sure is the same plot of the 80s BREEDERS, a generic Xenomorph clone is abducting ladies to its sewer lair, where it menaces them before it covers them in a sheet of white goo. (Ahem.) Meanwhile a "Space Girl" (as she is named in the credits) wearing a vinyl goth outfit cowers and sympathizes with the victims but doesn't actually do anything to help them. There are humans on the surface trying to investigate, including a meatheaded hero unironically named "Ash"  :lookingup: and his annoying blonde girlfriend, as well as a bunch of cops led by a chief detective who (to his credit) chews ev-uh-ree sin-gle syllable of his dialogue and all available scenery in an attempt to steal the movie. Alas, there's little to steal!

Because this is a bad ALIEN/S ripoff from the 90s, you will collect only the most marginal payout for placing a bet that a supporting character will sacrifice themselves in a self-ignited inferno while cheekily telling off the Xenomorph clone. There is precious little that would make anyone remember B/DI, except for this: upon research into the quaint, rustic setting and the suspicious "English people doing American accents" quality to most of the performances, I discovered that B/DI was produced in Isle of Man, a small island country near the U.K. that exists independently from the U.K.! Now I'm fairly certain I've never consciously seen a film produced in or by the Isle of Man before, because, I confess, I don't even think I knew that the Isle of Man was an independent nation w/ a film industry until I looked up this movie! But it is, and they are capable of making ALIEN-knockoffs just as mediocre-to-bad as any other country. Let the record stand!

2/5
Also w/ an appealing middle-aged redheaded woman named "Roper". Roper?!

Quote from: M.10rda on January 12, 2025, 03:58:26 PMBREEDERS aka DEADLY INSTINCTS (1997):
Understandably confusable with BREEDERS (1986) which I haven't seen though which seems to have a very similar plot, this BREEDERS (aka DEADLY INSTINCTS) seems like a very typical slice of 90s cheese. Bad movies from the 60s, 70s, and 80s all have very distinct bouquets and flavors, if you will, and I can appreciate those on their own merits or lack of merits. But I came of age watching many, many bad movies of the 90s, and to my mind, most of them just congeal into a single homogenous, amorphous mass of indigestible lard. B/DI isn't the worst I've seen, yet all the ways its bad are ways in which countless other 90s movies are bad. As a result, not that interesting!

In what I am pretty sure is the same plot of the 80s BREEDERS, a generic Xenomorph clone is abducting ladies to its sewer lair, where it menaces them before it covers them in a sheet of white goo. (Ahem.) Meanwhile a "Space Girl" (as she is named in the credits) wearing a vinyl goth outfit cowers and sympathizes with the victims but doesn't actually do anything to help them. There are humans on the surface trying to investigate, including a meatheaded hero unironically named "Ash"  :lookingup: and his annoying blonde girlfriend, as well as a bunch of cops led by a chief detective who (to his credit) chews ev-uh-ree sin-gle syllable of his dialogue and all available scenery in an attempt to steal the movie. Alas, there's little to steal!

Because this is a bad ALIEN/S ripoff from the 90s, you will collect only the most marginal payout for placing a bet that a supporting character will sacrifice themselves in a self-ignited inferno while cheekily telling off the Xenomorph clone. There is precious little that would make anyone remember B/DI, except for this: upon research into the quaint, rustic setting and the suspicious "English people doing American accents" quality to most of the performances, I discovered that B/DI was produced in Isle of Man, a small island country near the U.K. that exists independently from the U.K.! Now I'm fairly certain I've never consciously seen a film produced in or by the Isle of Man before, because, I confess, I don't even think I knew that the Isle of Man was an independent nation w/ a film industry until I looked up this movie! But it is, and they are capable of making ALIEN-knockoffs just as mediocre-to-bad as any other country. Let the record stand!

2/5
Also w/ an appealing middle-aged redheaded woman named "Roper". Roper?!

I just watched about half of it on youtube... yeah weird variety of non-accents. the redhead you mentioned sounds more irish? the blonde lead is (or at least was) quite well known in uk as a soap star / tv personality... didn't recognise anyone else. fairly diverting crap though, some cringe dialogue!

Isle Of Man has an annual bike race where people just bomb it round the island. there's always insane crashes and deaths  :question:

also looked on imdb and 'Space Girl' was murdered by her real life boyfriend shortly qfter filming this

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kadamba_Simmons

:(

Ohhhhhhhhh no.... Space Girl!!!   :bluesad:

There's probably no good time to be murdered, but immediately following playing the role of "Space Girl" in BREEDERS/DEADLY INSTINCTS has to be a worse time to go than many...!

aye sadly reminiscent of the murder of Dominique Dunne from POLTERGEIST... strangely I was looking up the details of that one recently. the boyfriend (who beat her to death unprovoked) barely served any time and landed a job as head chef in a flashy restaurant on release from jail.

sorry for the morbid derail...

Huh! Dominique's father wrote a novel based on the case, and that book was turned into a TV mini-series in the 80s... I watched it as a kid but wasn't aware of how close or not close it was to the true story. Ben Gazzara plays her dad (!) and I think he hunts down the boyfriend and shoots him at the end!  :thumbup: 

Tonight's Stinker
Space Master X 7 (1958)
https://youtu.be/Ed-X_2iyolM?si=ZAb4-p2CExEcb6rf

It's a pretty bad rip, all pixelated & blurry, but not enough that you can't get the gist of what's going on...

So, NASA brings back a sample of some kind of fungus from outer space & gives it to a scientist who takes it home to his private laboratory....
Unfortunately, he arrives home to find his Ex waiting for him... She's remarried & wants custody of their son... She pesters him for days while he's trying to work with a growing & dangerous fungus...
He finally relents, & she leaves, but later that night, the fungus kills him.....
The army destroys his lab, & takes a tape recording of his research... While listening to the tape, they discover the Ex was there... It's up to two agents to find out who she is & where she went....
The next day, she sees a newspaper headline saying the scientist is dead, & she's wanted for questioning...
Assuming she's wanted for murder, she goes underground....

All science-fictiony in the beginning, then gets kinda plodding in the middle, then gets surprisingly riveting...

Quote from: M.10rda on January 12, 2025, 06:58:33 PMHuh! Dominique's father wrote a novel based on the case, and that book was turned into a TV mini-series in the 80s... I watched it as a kid but wasn't aware of how close or not close it was to the true story. Ben Gazzara plays her dad (!) and I think he hunts down the boyfriend and shoots him at the end!  :thumbup: 

damn, didn't know that... I think the father did actually move to where the killer lived and started public campaigns against him,  but I'm pretty sure that last part is fictionalised.  :buggedout:

BORDERLANDS (2024):
This catastrophic financial failure was almost universally rejected by fans of its source material, who objected to (among other things) an overabundance of plot and dialogue (!) and - no joke - the omission of talking weapons, which are common in the "Borderlands" video game franchise. That's right, no talking weapons...? No sale! I think I have played maybe 5 of the 6 "Borderlands" games, but none for longer than 30 minutes. Although I like first-person shooters, I find these games mindlessly repetitive and puerile. Therefore I take no issue at face value with injecting more plot, characterization, etc into a BORDERLANDS movie. But, having now watched the thing, I didn't like it either - so if the producers didn't please fans and didn't please non-fans, what the heck they were trying to accomplish?

Well, dig it: Cate Blanchett of all people is a neon-haired intergalactic bounty hunter pursuing a mythical McGuffin through a dayglo futuristic wasteland. Anyone who has ever seen exactly one "space messiah" quest movie will likely be unsurprised to discover that the McGuffin she pursues for 80 minutes ends up of course being herself. Blanchett at least looks great - she could take over playing Black Widow from ScarJo and no one would mind - and I don't begrudge her what I'm sure was a large paycheck. But by the final 20 minutes, when she goes all Super Saiyan or Dark Phoenix, I started to at last feel embarrassed for her.

Anyway, Blanchett accumulates a ragtag (or threadbare) band of miscreants during her adventure. Jamie Lee Curtis is at least amusing as some kind of scientist on the autism spectrum. Kevin Hart, on the other hand, plays a role that could've been played by absolutely any other living performer, which is no insult against Hart, only against his material. Likewise, Jack Black was predictably employed at no small expense to voice a beloved robot character, taking some pains to sound more like "Claptrap" than like himself. Hardcore fans have been enraged about the original voice actor being replaced  :lookingup: so that was another questionable application of resources, I suppose. As I said, there's little I like about the video games, but one thing I do like is the warped little pyromaniac Tiny Tina, so naturally she has been mostly bowdlerized here for a PG-13 rating. Finally, there is an insane ranting masked strongman character played by an unknown actor who makes no impression. I don't know who could've enlivened real humor and pathos into such a role - Dave Bautista, perhaps? Hmm.

As this underwhelming crew unites in triumph at the closing credits, at last my sleepy mind put the pieces together: the producers of BORDERLANDS were trying to recreate the magic of the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY trilogy, only without James Gunn empowered with Marvel money and apparently no oversight. Then the producer credits appeared, and I was aghast to see that the executives behind BORDERLANDS are the producers of GOTG - Avi Arad and Kevin Feige. How unfortunate for them... gentlemen, we know James Gunn... we know James Gunn doesn't need to return your phone calls anymore... and gentlemen, Eli Roth is no James Gunn.

2/5

Tonight's Stinker
The Flame Barrier (1958)
https://youtu.be/RdCrIlMQOvM?si=uNSo5cZZjXv3ue4l

Dreadfully slow & painful to watch....
It begins with a narrative about a satellite believed to have burned up on re-entry, but a scientist thinks it it landed somewhere in Mexico....
Next, the scientists wife shows up & talks a crabby safari guide & his drunk brother into taking her to find him... Setting the pace for the rest of the movie this bickering trio wonders through the jungle occasionally running into local natives talking about angry gods, & something killing the animals, while some of them die from inexplicable burns...
Science fiction stuff towards the end that left me scratching my head....

LUST FOR FREEDOM (1987):
I am sincerely going to try to stop watching films I will probably not like, and going to try to spend less time talking about how bad they are. But I kept watching LUST FOR FREEDOM because of its opening sequence, and that opening sequence (as well as some of what follows) may bring legitimate pleasure to someone who reads this - so let's do it.

Following the universal symbol of Bad Movie archness aka the Troma distribution intro, we open on a literally incredible looking woman getting out of her car and meeting her equally improbable looking fiancee. The release date is 1987 but both of these characters look like they could exist no later than 1982 anywhere other than footage from ANCHORMAN III. They're undercover cops in love and they are about to perform a major bust with their partners, both dressed as homeless Chicago Bears fans. Unfortunately one of those guys is an ambitious rookie and chaos ensues, replete with pump shotguns, .44 magnums, squibs, extremely cautious fight choreography, breakaway glass, and, worst of all, the female cop melodramatically removing her truly fabulous fright wig in a moment of anguish.

Okay, got all that? Well never mind because it has nothing to do with the next 80 minutes of the movie. The female lead and the rest of the film for that matter are never the same after she loses that wig. In a state of grief, she drives through the desert but stops to pick up another feather-haired blonde in a cocktail dress running on foot through the brush. Big mistake!

Cue a pretty standard though sufficiently sleazy and vicious WIP entry that is equal parts boring and amusingly incompetent. The prison matron looks like a dowdy Adrienne Barbeau (like, if she played "Maude" and not Maude's hot daughter). One of the chief thugs is played by a big, scary, convincingly despicable indigenous actor, and there's also an extremely tongue-in-cheek warden-slash-mayor who's practically Colonel Sanders w/o a 'stache. If the production had an extra $50,000 they probably could've afforded Charles Napier to play the morally ambivalent Sheriff. As it is the only name in the credits I recognized was Michelle Bauer, who must be one of the naked lesbians. (Nothing against Michelle or this film's nudity, but it wasn't so memorable that I sat up and said "That's Michelle Bauer!")

LUST FOR FREEDOM climaxes with a fair amount of lively if inept mayhem. It also has a running voice-over by its female lead that would seem unnecessary in many films, but actually helps to clarify some sloppy storytelling in this one. I do recommend it to anyone who wants to see a Bad sleazy movie. It's not quite the genuine article - it doesn't have the vision of a MANOS, for instance. But the cast and crew were clearly enthusiastic about this nonsense, and in some shots you get the impression that the actors are self-aware of how bad LUST FOR FREEDOM will be and yet they lean into the badness just a touch. That's the kind of consciously bad filmmaking that was easier to get away with in the 80s, before simply everyone was trying to fabricate their own Bad Movies. It couldn't have hurt that Troma provided both "production and post-production support", suggesting that Papa Lloyd had some influence even while the cameras were rolling and presumably encouraged the director to have fun with this film, instead of taking it seriously. It was the right move. I had a little fun watching LFF and maybe you will, too.

2.5/5

Tonight's Stinker
Space Probe Taurus (1965)
https://youtu.be/U_R7LoJCR2E?si=9jR8jSGYbe8V-zoT

Plays out like a garbage pile of other sci-fi b-movies....
It begins with a failed mission to see if another planet can support life...
A year later, a newer ship is sent on the same mission...
First order of business is for the commander to express his feelings about having a woman on board, then acknowledge passing a space station, then encounter an alien ship & have to kill the alien on board & blow up his ship... That's, like, the first half hour or so...
From there it's pontificating & dealing with an annoying copilot, then a meteor shower & a malfunction that sends them off course.....
The film has plenty of it's moments, but is more innuendo than action...

Tonight's Stinker
The Strange World of Planet X (1958) (AKA Cosmic Monsters)
https://youtu.be/lwFPvvJzQQQ?si=RUo9LD7DL5hl-eSP

A British scientist & his American assistant are working with high powered magnetic waves in hopes of creating a ray gun that will destroy enemy aircraft, but so far, just knocks out televisions.... A recent failure & a high budget brings the prying eyes of the top brass....
A demonstration reveals that the ray doesn't stay in a containment box, & reeks havoc in the town, the local homeless guy starts killing people, & a stranger shows up....
50s sci-fi, British style, so it's mostly talk & innuendo, with mostly darkened out action sequence toward the end with the army duking it out with footage of bugs under a microscope....

Tonight's Stinker
The Day the Sky Exploded (1958)
https://youtu.be/E5-ddFsICpQ?si=dTwNf0vQzjq-hd-V

So, Americans & Russians assemble in Australia to send a manned rocket into space, but first it's ten minutes of excitable newsmen & procedural jibber jabber.....
Then, another ten minutes of jibber jabber, then the lab pops the Champaign, then the pilot loses control of the rocket & safely ejects back to earth...
Lots and lots of procedural & scientific jibber jabber throughout the movie, a subplot about the pilots strained relationship with his wife & another about a scientist trying to make the moves on a mathematician....
We eventually learn that the rocket kept going, blew up in an asteroid belt & there's a giant meteor headed towards earth, and it takes about an hour for somebody to realize the most obvious solution....
The movie does start to get pretty intense in the second half.....

Tonight's Stinker
GIANT FROM THE UNKNOWN (1958)
https://youtu.be/6rCs2VKOb08?si=vxiT32RE99QWqJaq

The film opens with townspeople chattering about a murder that follows recent cattle mutilations... After the local sheriff breaks up the crowd, paleontologist comes into town after three days in the hills.... The paleontologist had a disagreement with the victim a week earlier, so the bullheaded sheriff thinks he's the prime suspect....
Then an archeologist & his daughter pull into town... The paleontologist invites them to dinner, where the archeologist reveals he's looking for the grave a soldier who deserted from a Spanish conquistador....
Pretty talky at the beginning, then get suspenseful, the sorta drags out the last fifteen minutes....

Now THAT'S a bad movie!
By gosh and by gum, someone had to ask the question: is Bigfoot-slash-the Abominable Snowman still scary if you shave him and put Spanish Conquistador armor on him? SPOILER WARNING: .......No.

Nap, then groceries, so tonight's Stinker was a short...
The Psychic Parrot - 1977
https://youtu.be/DjtNSNly_i0?si=Wvm-tquDWdxvSq5N
OR https://youtu.be/Dhsg6nNY1yI?si=D3JNjd0jY5f8ZIrZ

A psychic parrot with a pretty good track record predicts the end of the world, so two all American consumers decide to stay home & watch it on television....

Quote from: M.10rda on January 19, 2025, 07:28:15 PMBut the cast and crew were clearly enthusiastic about this nonsense, and in some shots you get the impression that the actors are self-aware of how bad LUST FOR FREEDOM will be and yet they lean into the badness just a touch. That's the kind of consciously bad filmmaking that was easier to get away with in the 80s, before simply everyone was trying to fabricate their own Bad Movies.

yeah that's a very 80s thing... self awareness of bad, but not to the point of it actually being a defining factor. SAMURAI COP is a bit like that... never heard of this one though. watched the trailer... now I'm a 'brunettes' guy, but the actress looks so much better with blonde hair compared to the frizzy dark wig?! not sure I could handle the whole movie though

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE (1990)

A low budget anthology 'horror' I'd never heard of, and I've made a point of seeking out horror anthologies since forever

linking story is 'people on a train' (or was it a bus? I've already forgotten). First story involves a guy buying a car that starts speaking to him and bossing him around in a voice that is less KITT, and more Roger Moore's nerdy cousin. It tells the guy to leave his girlfriend. oh the horror.

2nd story involves a guy who throws some tuna casserole into his cupboard, and it grows into a monster.

I did not make it to the 3rd story, out of total disinterest.

One thing this film did make me realise however, is the difference between a 'silly' movie, and a movie that doesn't take itself seriously.

for example NAKED GUN is silly as hell, but you can guarantee that all those quickfire quips and sight gags will have been laboured over and honed to perfection. i.e. taken seriously

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE is an example of a film that doesn't take itself seriously...and so therefore why should the viewer? Everything feels randomly thrown together with zero thought, which gets annoying fast.

Tonight's Stinker
The Throne of Fire (1983)
https://youtu.be/312YnpBcUZs?si=ltgLm6ClXmNbSz_p

One of those Italian sword & sorcery flicks...
A witch spawns the son of the Devil's messenger... The same night, a wizard predicts that his infant son will fight him some day...
Twenty years later, the witch commands her son to kill a king & marry his daughter, but warns him of a curse on his throne.... He dispatches a group of warriors with no pants to raid some villages...
Meanwhile, the wizard's son is now a bodybuilder who sets out to save the princess...
Lots of that corny midi-synth music you'd expect from an Italian film, accompanied by the most annoying use of a kettle drum I've ever experienced, albeit, halfway through the open credits, the music changed in a way that gave me a good chuckle....

CRACKCOON (2024) - A wild raccoon ingests some souped-up crack cocaine mixed with bath salts and goes on a rampage, killing a dozen or so people - from the gay drug dealer to a pair of bumbling hunters to some obnoxious college guys to three naked women.  The raccoon is a very badly animated puppet, periodically swapped out with an equally bad CGI raccoon.  This thing is pure, glorious B-movie badness from start to finish.  This movie is the kind of movie this site was made to treasure!  Throw away your Rembrandts, CRACKCOON is the only art you will ever need!

 5/5 on the bad movie scale

Mission Stardust (1967)

Your typical late 60s Italian space extravaganza. Ostensibly an adaptation of one or the early stories in the German Perry Rhodan series of books (which is still going strong). Apparently it has very little to do with the source material and is hated by the true Perry Rhodan fans.

It is a curious mash up of two stock plots: stranded technologically advances aliens who need some stuff from Earth to get back home and a supercriminal trying to get his hands on a McGuffin to take over the world. Rather like the started out adapting a SF story and halfway through decided to do James Bond instead.

You have all the ingredients for a silly but fun action movie: lots of incident, exotic settings, plenty of extras and explosions, a fair bit of military hardware and a helicopter. What you get is very flat acting, people standing about and talking for most of the time and some very inept action scenes.

Quote from: indianasmith on February 09, 2025, 12:21:13 AMCRACKCOON (2024) - A wild raccoon ingests some souped-up crack cocaine mixed with bath salts and goes on a rampage, killing a dozen or so people - from the gay drug dealer to a pair of bumbling hunters to some obnoxious college guys to three naked women.  The raccoon is a very badly animated puppet, periodically swapped out with an equally bad CGI raccoon.  This thing is pure, glorious B-movie badness from start to finish.  This movie is the kind of movie this site was made to treasure!  Throw away your Rembrandts, CRACKCOON is the only art you will ever need!

 5/5 on the bad movie scale

Great recommendation - sounds like a thrillingly self-aware and absurdist alternative to COCAINE BEAR. I usually avoid SPOILERS, however I'll request one here before I go watch it - is the Crackoon harmed or  :bluesad: destroyed/killed at the end, or does it survive for a presumable sequel?

Quote from: M.10rda on February 09, 2025, 08:13:45 AM

Quote from: indianasmith on February 09, 2025, 12:21:13 AMCRACKCOON (2024) - A wild raccoon ingests some souped-up crack cocaine mixed with bath salts and goes on a rampage, killing a dozen or so people - from the gay drug dealer to a pair of bumbling hunters to some obnoxious college guys to three naked women.  The raccoon is a very badly animated puppet, periodically swapped out with an equally bad CGI raccoon.  This thing is pure, glorious B-movie badness from start to finish.  This movie is the kind of movie this site was made to treasure!  Throw away your Rembrandts, CRACKCOON is the only art you will ever need!

 5/5 on the bad movie scale

Great recommendation - sounds like a thrillingly self-aware and absurdist alternative to COCAINE BEAR. I usually avoid SPOILERS, however I'll request one here before I go watch it - is the Crackoon harmed or  :bluesad: destroyed/killed at the end, or does it survive for a presumable sequel?

He does get shot at the end, but he's a puppet, so who knows?
Something I didn't catch at the time but saw in the IMDB writeup - in one of the female victim's rooms is a teddy bear who has white powder around his nose, as a homage to COCAINE BEAR!

Tonight's Stinker
Invasion U.S.A (1952)
https://youtu.be/yPYY_J8oDLs?si=648Ama11IIHDxaM3

A haughty group of movers & shakers are watching TV at a bar in New York, when a reporter shows up asking if they're for or against the government commandeering industry & labor to help build up the military.... Most of them are against it, as it sounds like communism... Another man in the cattle business laments the regulations on the price of feed, beef & high taxes....
The we come to a man with a foreign accent who gives a little speech about how people always want somebody else to do stuff...
Later that night, Russia invades Alaska, & the bar patrons hurry back to their hometowns to help with the war effort.... What follows is a lot of stock WW2 newsreels, with a recurring theme that the military doesn't have enough weapons....
Pretty exciting, even though it becomes pretty obvious halfway through, that it will have a surprise ending & what that surprise will be.....

Quote from: indianasmith on February 09, 2025, 05:54:23 PM

Quote from: M.10rda on February 09, 2025, 08:13:45 AM

Quote from: indianasmith on February 09, 2025, 12:21:13 AMCRACKCOON (2024) - A wild raccoon ingests some souped-up crack cocaine mixed with bath salts and goes on a rampage, killing a dozen or so people - from the gay drug dealer to a pair of bumbling hunters to some obnoxious college guys to three naked women.  The raccoon is a very badly animated puppet, periodically swapped out with an equally bad CGI raccoon.  This thing is pure, glorious B-movie badness from start to finish.  This movie is the kind of movie this site was made to treasure!  Throw away your Rembrandts, CRACKCOON is the only art you will ever need!

 5/5 on the bad movie scale

Great recommendation - sounds like a thrillingly self-aware and absurdist alternative to COCAINE BEAR. I usually avoid SPOILERS, however I'll request one here before I go watch it - is the Crackoon harmed or  :bluesad: destroyed/killed at the end, or does it survive for a presumable sequel?

He does get shot at the end, but he's a puppet, so who knows?

 :bouncegiggle: Well....... okay. I don't like to see violence to cute furry animals (even vicious murderous ones), but if he's a particularly ridiculous puppet, I'll probably be able to deal with it.......

Maybe the sequel will be ZOMBIE CRACKCOON!

Tonight's Stinker
Sound Of Horror (1966)
https://youtu.be/qrKzG5tCVY8?si=ko5S9KK38wW3NoOQ
 Or at https://youtu.be/jYpZ7Ic3Fi0?si=mjYtoZ8NO05zlNFT

A scientist uses explosives to look for buried treasure... Instead, he finds dinosaur eggs and a mummy...
Then an old friend shows up with the other half of a map he's been using... Meanwhile, one of the eggs hatches...
The next day, they think they've found the treasure, & go fetch more explosives... A scientist who stays behind to study the mummy is killed by the dinosaur, which is now invisible (really)...
The rest of the movie, the cast stays holed up in a villa next to the cave....
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/soundhorror/

CAT BALLOU (1965):
I've been trying to watch fewer "bad" bad movies - like, ones that are a drag as opposed to ones that are a riot - but you can't win 'em all, and when I draw a low-card I at least have been refraining from wasting my precious time complaining about it on this thread. However, CAT BALLOU is oddball enough to warrant a couple paragraphs... particularly as it seems enough like a legitimate "good" movie that someone might watch it accidentally and regret it... thus I consider this review a service to public health and safety!

Newly-minted schoolmarm and titular heroine Jane Fonda (who does look delectable) encounters two charming outlaws on a train at very great length, even though the outlaws have f**k-all to do with the rest of the movie (in spite of hanging around for the remainder of it and contributing little). She's on her way home to daddy John Marley (!), who's being harassed by a mysterious bad guy with a fake nose (?!), so Jane uses her new teaching money to hire infamous gunslinger "Kid Shelleen" by mail to protect her old man. When "Kid Shelleen" shows up, though, he's an over-the-hill drunk who can't shoot straight played by Lee Marvin. Okay, got all that so far? Good, so I'll also mention that the story is told in flashback from outside Jane-as-Cat Ballou's jail cell on the eve of her hanging and narrated musically by a pair of troubadours played by Nat King Cole and Stubby Kaye!!! That sounds like fun, right?

Like Kid Shelleen, CAT BALLOU simply cannot hit the broadside of a barn from ten paces. The plot crawls very very slowly, with numerous irrelevant digressions and delays, towards a climactic confrontation with the bad guy that happens completely offscreen. :buggedout:  :bouncegiggle: In fact there is barely any action whatsoever in this musical-comedy Western, which would perhaps be okay except there are also no laughs. Cole and Kaye are an offbeat treat, and they sound great together... but they sing variations on the same song nearly every time they appear, thus by the midway point I was just groaning "Ohh, these guys again..." When the best thing about a 97 minute movie seems stale after fifty minutes and also the 97 minute movie feels like 157 minutes - SKIP IT!

2/5
Marvin won what I think was his only Oscar for playing the double role of Kid Shelleen and the bad guy in the fake nose. He has some nice moments but also wears a grotesque cheap-looking frightwig for much of the movie and seems too-convincingly drunk in many scenes. (According to John Boorman, Marvin woke up drunk and went to bed drunk and sometimes got a head-start on the set.) I would never begrudge Lee Marvin an Oscar but winning for CAT BALLOU is like Al Pacino winning his only Oscar for JACK & JILL!

Tonight's Stinker
The Atomic Submarine (1959)
https://youtu.be/5lGEgFY4hA4?si=twUdPDz-7wFZKP49

Ships in the Arctic have been exploding for no reason, so a Navy sub is sent to see what's causing it...
They discover a flying saucer underwater, & figure out it's going back to the North Pole to recharge (Setting aside, the magnetic north is in a different place)...
There's a sub plot involving a new kind of diving bell, & the second in command hates it's young operator...
Riffable....

EEGAH! (1962):
Eegah! Is it the only line of dialogue that anachronistic caveman Richard Kiel can or will mumble through this film's running time? (It didn't sound like he was saying "Eegah" to me, but writer/director/co-star Arch Hall Sr. insists that's what Kiel is saying, and who am I to argue?) Or is it the sound the viewer unintentionally emits every time romantic male lead/tuneless troubadour Arch Hall Jr. lurches into an alarming and unsightly close-up? You make the call!

If there's any living audience for a movie about a giant prehistoric humanoid abducting/terrorizing a young woman, I am that audience, and even I could not be arsed to deal with EEGAH! AHSR must've been inspired by "Alley Oop", the comic strip caveman who was popular 30 years before SR passed this bowel movement onto drive-in audiences. Alley Oop bares a passing resemblance to Kiel's character but Oop's simplistic funny page adventures were nominally more entertaining, action-packed, and thought-provoking. :lookingup: EEGAH! almost seems like an intellectual exercise in seeing how little action or comedy one can include in a feature-length film about a rampaging cro-magnon without sending viewers into irreversible comas. Would-be teen pop star AHJR never looked more like John C. Reilly as "Dewey Cox" than in this movie. His dad and shameless promoter AHSR is no Rock Hudson himself (more like Victor Buono or John Candy as Burton Mercer in THE BLUES BROTHERS w/ a sex offender stash) yet the most entertaining part of EEGAH! is hearing SR insult JR's looks and music (!) onscreen. The film ends in the sort of ostentatious/nonsensical twist that I loved in MONSTER-A-GO-GO but EEGAH!, sir, is no MONSTER-A-GO-GO!

Hall SR's first attempt at buying his big-headed kid a Hollywood spotlight was the even less entertaining THE CHOPPERS (1960). After EEGAH!, SR wisely delegated the directorial duties to Ray Dennis Steckler, whose WILD GUITAR seems like a Spielberg flick compared to EEGAH!, though it's THE LOST WORLD or KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL rather than one of the actual good ones. (Steckler and his wife/leading lady Carolyn Brandt show up briefly in EEGAH! to get menaced in a nightclub.) Hall JR finally escaped from his pop's clutches and starred in an almost pretty decent James Landis flick called THE SADIST. Where was SR during that one, crying on a stool in a bar on Sunset next to Brian Wilson's dad?

The Rhino MST3K disc offers a feature I don't remember from other MST3K discs - Crow's face intermittently appears to signal that there's an extra scene cut from the episode that you can watch (sans riffs), This seems like a great idea at first but for 2 things: once you click on the deleted scene, there's no single-click method to return to the episode; and... who needs or wants to watch more EEGAH!???

1/5 Terrible.

The riffs aren't very good either, oddly (maybe even Joel and the Bots were too depressed by this film to make funny). Unusually (imho) however, the skits are hilarious... the invention exchange (where Joel plays the Porkerina and Clay replaces Frank's  blood with propylene glycol) had me literally L'ing OL. 

^ Almost decent the SADIST? I thought the Sadist was GREAT.

That's fair. I liked it. Compared to EEGAH and THE CHOPPERS it's THE GODFATHER!

The Creation of the Humanoids (1962)

Nuclear war has come at last, and mankind has rebuilt civilisation. But, what with most of humanity being wiped out and the rest being of questionable fertility, humans have created a race of robots (the titular humanoids) to do menial tasks.This is not to the liking of the Order of Flesh and Blood, who preach human supremacism, harass humanoids and throw the occasional bomb, all while wearing uniforms of the Confederate Army.

This is a Movie With A Message, at once an enquiry into the nature of mankind and a thinly veiled allegory for the civil rights movement.

It is an oddity, because it has practically no action. About 90% of the movie is people standing immobile next to eachother while making declarations. Together with the minimalistic sets, this makes it all look like avant garde theatre. It does also make it very boring. Dark Corner Reviews describes it 'Blade Runner without all the action', and that sums it about up.

Awwww! Well I liked CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS quite a bit... but then I like some avant garde theatre, too! (Heck, I've produced some.) It's a "challenging" film, we can probably both agree...

Thor: Love and Thunder.

It takes until the final third for it to begin to become a film with focus, structure and opportunites for the cast to act.  Up until then it's like a pick and mix movie with witless, reactionary comedy moments, pantomime acting and scenes, a wasted performance from Christian Bale and visuals that should be in a far better film.  It's more product than a movie.  Mindless dirge overall - written and produced by people who don't care about films and just want to make money.

Tonight's Stinker
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time (1975)
https://youtu.be/Wz5qh1aDFM0?si=d6Bk6yEKzMc-hahT

Sweeney is a failed artist turned full time moocher... His Ex still comes around for sex & alimony, even though she's re-married to a rich construction company owner, even though he wants to demolish her mother's house...
Sweeney finds out she's also working a politician in hopes he'll declare her mother's home a public landmark...
Sweeney decides to crash the politician's commencement party just to spite his ex & her husband...
Afterwards, the politician & the ex go to a secluded cabin, where Sweeney traps them & hatches a phony kidnapping scheme...
It's one I've been meaning to get out of my system for a while, and it doesn't disappoint, being very fast paced, with more happening in five minutes than I have time to explain...

Quote from: M.10rda on February 22, 2025, 11:28:04 AMAwwww! Well I liked CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS quite a bit... but then I like some avant garde theatre, too! (Heck, I've produced some.) It's a "challenging" film, we can probably both agree...

I can see why people might like it, but to me the stylisation was just strangeness for strangeness's sake, not really meshing with any of the themes of the movie. I found it got old really quickly.

It is a pity though that Don Doolittle (doctor Raven) didn't have more mad scientist roles in his career, as he absolutely looks the part.

^ A HUMANOID factoid- Dudley Manlove, of PLAN 9 fame, appears as a robot!

(that's him to the left)

(https://i.imgur.com/jyAO6Oe.jpeg) (https://lunapic.com)

(https://i.imgur.com/MnGjc0F.jpeg) (https://lunapic.com)

I agree with you about your fellow doctor Raven, Dr. Whom - he's a natural!

I suspect the acting is so static and proclamatory to obfuscate the nature of some character's identities... if everyone acts stiff and artificial, how can we safely distinguish humans from humanoids?

Of course the same issue is addressed in its own way in BLADE RUNNER, which obv owes a huge debt to COTH... lots of reviews accused Harrison Ford of giving a bad performance/sleepwalking through the movie....... :wink:  ...Skinjob or just depressed?

LONGLEGS (2024)

oh my giddy giddy aunt, I think this could be the most boring, and also possibly the most pretentious film I've EVER seen. how the hell is it physically possible to make such an uneventful piece of junk, that clearly believes itself to be a stone cold masterpiece?


worst thing it wasn't even on my watch-list, but a friend has not stopped pestering me to watch it since it came out.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was underwhelmed by LONGLEGS (though I definitely liked it more than you did!). I liked the acting and cinematography. I also like the enigmatic storytelling... until the final quarter or so when everything just became way too obvious. FTR I think LONGLEGS might as well be John Woo's HARD BOILED in comparison to Oz Perkins' debut feature I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE (which I also liked, but if you found LONGLEGS to be boring, don't even bother w/ I AM THE PRETTY THING...!).

haha... noted.

maybe I'm being a little harsh? but I was truly grateful when it ended

I liked Creation, Sadist, and Eegah

Quote from: zombie no.one on February 24, 2025, 05:53:44 PMbut I was truly grateful when it ended

I think I'll use that as a standard for a bad movie: movies when you are glad it is over.

Quote from: Dr. Whom on February 25, 2025, 01:46:22 AM

Quote from: zombie no.one on February 24, 2025, 05:53:44 PMbut I was truly grateful when it ended

I think I'll use that as a standard for a bad movie: movies when you are glad it is over.

fair enough - although it does require actually making it to the end... some films I can't even do that :smile:

AN AMERICAN HIPPIE IN ISRAEL (1972):
This very odd flick was apparently buried for decades before receiving a re-release a few years back. It's not a gripping enough social commentary to change anyone's mind about anything, not funny enough to recommend as a comedy, not violent or surreal enough to qualify as cult exploitation, not sexually graphic enough to work as porn, not nearly Bad enough to excel as an entertaining Bad Movie, but also not nearly well-made enough to take seriously as Cinema....... HOWEVER, it is a little bit of all those aforementioned things, so... graze lightly?

As I'm neither inspired enough by AMERICAN HIPPIE to describe it creatively nor confident enough about what it's supposed to mean to paint it in broad strokes, I'll just offer you a brief (literal) synopsis: There's this American Hippie, see  :lookingup: and he arrives in Israel, hitchhikes a ride from a hot redheaded actress w/ rich parents, rides around in her car, briefly runs into a couple of mimes dressed like hipster hitmen, goes back to the redhead's house, tells her about his traumatic stint in Vietnam, and then they get nekkid. When they're done rolling around on the floor, they go wandering downtown Tel Aviv or - wherever they are - and run into another hippie couple in a scene that is essentially the old "two dogs pass each other then stop and sniff each other's butts" only with four hippies. Those four hippies somehow multiply into like 30 or 50 hippies, all of whom go to a warehouse where the American Hippie tries to inspire them to form their own hippie civilization, but, unfortunately, the other hippies just want to get high and nekkid and pass out on the floor in a pile. You still following me?

Slightly demoralized, the four primary hippies get back in the redhead's convertible and drive across the country, standing up and stripping off their clothes while the car is moving to musical underscore et al. Eventually they arrive at the coast and spot a small, rocky island, which they decide will be their new hippie kingdom. They swim over to the island, get tans, have an orgy, and then immediately regret their choices the next day. Hippie-on-hippie bickering and extensive gratuitous topless catfights ensue. A sheep appears and all heck breaks lose. The hipster mime hitmen reappear in the final moments to claim the redhead's car.

I was on the AMERICAN HIPPIE wavelength for about 20 or so minutes before I started getting a little sus about it. An hour in and I started wondering if the film wasn't just inept but was actually trying to paint the title character as a bad dude. Another 10-15 minutes and I'd flipped, wondering instead if the (Jewish) writer/director was actually criticizing or condemning the Israeli characters. By the closing credits, following the realization that all the major characters are @$$#0le$, it occurred to me that AMERICAN HIPPIE IN ISRAEL might not be anti-American or anti-Israeli propaganda but, instead, simply virulent anti-Hippie hatemongering! It is difficult to think of too many movies of the same era (besides maybe BLOOD FREAK) that make hippies look like such a hazard to the public health and welfare!

2.5/5

It was produced by Georgie Jessel, a 20th century Borscht Belt standup who was probably collecting social security in the early 70s and thus not of an age to understand free love and the Age of Aquarius and so on. The hot redhead is played by Lily Avidan, who sadly never made another film.

I've seen AAHII (hey, like, trippy acronym dude...), recommended by a friend in that kind of "you haaave to see this movie now!" way. but apparently I did not remember anything about it. thanks for the refresher course.

I suspect I won't remember much about AAHHI in a few months. Possibly Lily Avidan!

.357 MAGNUM (1977):
Bad Movie fans, do you know Nick Millard? Although his name is less famous than some other inept no-budget directors, I am beginning to think he might be a treasure trove of nominal "entertainment"! This hard-boiled spy thriller takes place all over the globe - England, Hong Kong, Japan, Angola, San Francisco, and Tucson, AZ! - but probably cost less than what you spend on groceries each week. An American who looks like David Soul is sent on missions by a British superior who looks like Michael Palin in a fake moustache and ends up playing cat-and-mouse with a sadistic international hitman who looks like Abe Lincoln without the top hat. (Maybe the Palin character stole his 'stache?) I'll throw this movie one bone - it's written about as well as any mid-to-late-90s straight-to-video action thriller, which is to say not brilliantly but also better than what we expect from hilarious Bad Movies. It also has a nihilistic mean streak, which is often entertaining. Fear not, though, .357M's badness is all in the execution!

All the locations (except San Fran and maybe Tucson) are provided via stock footage and the film is mostly shot in Nick Millard's house and backyard (on either very early prosumer video stock or cheap 16mm). Presumably in order to obscure the lack of a travel budget (though who knows, maybe just 'cause!) most of the shots are close-ups that provide little or no visual information about where characters are anyway. It's also edited in an erratic fashion that maintains a crisp pace during long dialogue scenes (of which there are many) but also renders some shots entirely inscrutable (srsly, there are many shots that last scarcely longer than the 4 frames which the human brain is capable of processing). Again, this might have been intentional but it sure looks like incompetence to me, and I whistled out loud when an Editor had the nerve to actually be named in the closing credits!

But maybe Nick Millard just had ADHD. The actors aren't exactly talentless but they do rattle off their lines in a rapid-fire and mostly atonal fashion that brings to mind lesser David Mamet movies or a civil servant with three minutes on the clock until their lunchbreak. Contributing to .357M's "uncanny valley" effect is the appearance of professional actor James Whitworth (who was in THE HILLS HAVE EYES and many other 70s flicks) in a large supporting role, so Millard clearly had enough money to hire a (sorta') real actor, which makes .357M almost look like a real movie, except, of course, it isn't!

I've only seen one other Millard movie, an 80s SOV military action/king fu flick which was a lot more like what we expect from a Bad (home) Movie than .357M. He also made some horror flicks, including the legendary CRAZY FAT ETHEL series, which I haven't seen though their lead actress does play a small role here! Millard also made a lot of cheap porn, and pads out this film's running time w/ a puzzling long loop of a woman rolling around in lingerie and fellating a vibrator. (Fortunately it isn't CF Ethel!) A true renaissance man, Millard pseudonymously plays the bad guy with the inexplicable Amish facial hair. What an intriguing figure that Millard was!  :bouncegiggle:

2/5
I admit I kind of want to watch more Millard movies!

Quote from: M.10rda on March 01, 2025, 12:09:11 AMAN AMERICAN HIPPIE IN ISRAEL (1972):
This very odd flick was apparently buried for decades before receiving a re-release a few years back. It's not a gripping enough social commentary to change anyone's mind about anything, not funny enough to recommend as a comedy, not violent or surreal enough to qualify as cult exploitation, not sexually graphic enough to work as porn, not nearly Bad enough to excel as an entertaining Bad Movie, but also not nearly well-made enough to take seriously as Cinema....... HOWEVER, it is a little bit of all those aforementioned things, so... graze lightly?

Good description. It's both unceasingly odd and surprisingly dull despite that fact.

so where does the whole 'An American X in Y' thing originally stem from then? because AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON was obviously a few years after AAHII... any examples prior to that one?  (or isn't it a 'thing'?)

AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)

Also "A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court" by Mark Twain, I suppose.

I dunno, anyone got any other precedents?

Tonight's Stinker
Beyond the Moon (1954)
https://youtu.be/3y8TV2XHbPc?si=s2ASbq5BWRvIOCt1

Edited from the Rocky Jones, Space Ranger television series....
Rocky & his copilot Winky find out a professor friend of theirs has defected to an enemy race, but they smell a rat, they go to outer space to the enemy planet to see what's really up....
Meanwhile, there's a spy at Space Ranger Headquarters, and the aliens have used some kind of hypno-ray on the professor & his son...
There's also the addition of a female navigator & translator, who gets her share of the predictable misogynistic quips from Rocky....
Some of the sound effects are kinda grating, but they don't last long....

THE SNOW CREATURE (1954):
Perhaps I should stop second-guessing why I revisit bad films I've already seen and didn't much like the first time. I was too mentally exhausted to concentrate on anything novel and had found this old DVD copy that claimed to be "the most complete" version available of this, possibly the first Yeti or Bigfoot movie. So, hey!  :lookingup:

No matter that I found THE SNOW CREATURE to be laborious and somnolent the first time (it still is); no matter that it's xenophobic or borderline racist (the Tibetan sherpas speak Japanese and are persistently condescended to as if they're children by the smug lead white guy); no matter that the film is so damn cheap that they shot ONE (and, as I recalled, ONLY one) shot of the shadowy Yeti approaching the camera, then use it literally 15-20 times, sometimes reversing the footage so it looks like the Yeti is stepping away into the shadows instead of emerging....... what am I talking about, all of those things matter and all of those things make THE SNOW CREATURE a terrible movie.

...However... perhaps as a testimonial to how low my standards for cryptohominid horror truly are... I endured (and sometimes FF'd through) the crummy, slow first hour and surrendered to the looooooong final act, where patrolmen methodically scan the pitch-black tunnels of a SoCal system of storm drains with big flash-lanterns (in a sequence which, I admit, is rather hypnotic and occasionally beautiful in a Ridley Scott's Nostromo kinda' way)... and then reached the finale, where I discovered something I didn't remember from my first viewing (and, who knows, might've been deleted from whatever print I watched):

Near the very end, the Yeti starts reaching out of alcoves and grabbing cops, and at the very very end, about half a dozen cops wrestle the damn thing, and thus you really see the Yeti in (dimly lit) wide shot, and - that Yeti is legit huge, like 2+ feet bigger than the actors playing the cops, and for a few brief shots, THE SNOW CREATURE is quite arresting and impressive. You couldn't fake that kinda' thing in 1954, and indeed the (uncredited) actor who played the Yeti was the one-and-only Lock Martin, the 7'7" gentleman who also played Gort in THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and the main alien in INVADERS FROM MARS. This final scuffle is such pure screen magic that one cannot fathom why the filmmakers had to repeat that single stoopid shot of the Yeti advancing and reversing over and over and over again through the rest of the movie. Oh right, they only wanted to pay Lock Martin for a day's work for the climax, I guess.  :thumbdown:

The brainiac responsible for THE SNOW CREATURE was "W. Lee Wilder", sometimes credited as "William Wilder", who is best known for directing KILLERS FROM SPACE  :lookingup: and was the more famous director Billy Wilder's actual brother... Billy would routinely disavow any relation to W. Lee but acknowledged him in at least one interview as a "real dull son of a b***h". What a family dynamic!

2/5

If I live another decade or more I'm positive I'll end up watching this again...

PEACOCK KING (1988):
Everything about this late 80s HK fantasy/horror/martial arts/adventure flick seemed poorly translated to me, from its typically nonsensical subtitles to its English title (which seems to combine the names of the antagonist and one of the protagonists for no clear reason) and even the visual quality of the dub I watched, which was cropped and muddy and chintzy and might likely have looked a lot better in many moments on a crisp blu-ray or something... though....... maybe not! Maybe PEACOCK KING is just goofy trash that briefly (late in the game) offers a couple of cool genre thrills.

If classic HK kung fu stars were the Rat Pack, Yuen Biao would obviously be Sammy to Jackie Chan's Frank and Sammo Hung's Dean....... though, we should allow, Sammy Davis Jr. actually did a lot of stuff without and after Frank and Dean, whereas Yuen Biao did... this movie, I guess! He co-directs and co-stars as "Peacock", a generally carefree "ghost buster" forced to work with "Lucky Fruit", a no-nonsense apprentice monk played by Hiroshi Mikami, who weirdly gets a lot more screentime than top-billed Yuen. Together they try to romance and/or save a couple of girls from the "Hell King", who is... pretty much what he sounds like, really. Gordon Liu appears for a bit among a supporting cast that is pretty non-distinct only a couple of days after I watched this.

I like HK action and horror movies, but there's a certain brand of 80s/early-90s HK flick that wears on my nerves - the frenetic potpourri that switches up genres and tones every 5-10 minutes in an attempt to satisfy any/every viewer. That's what kind of movie PEACOCK KING is. In theory I like a diverse blend of stuff in my movies, but PEACOCK KING  never feels like it's making any sincere attempt to excel at being any one kind of movie - it's just hyperactively lurching from genre to genre.

There are a couple of passages that are both exceptions to and proof of this rule: the first is a pair of appearances by a truly alarming stop motion/claymation body horror monstrosity with a toothy skull that could be straight out of Carpenter's THE THING, and the other is the protagonists' entrance into "Hell King's" lair, a cavernous Giger-esque palace where the enormous final form of the bad guy resides... though after his stirring reveal, the rest of the climactic confrontation is pretty underwhelming. Both instances demonstrate that PEACOCK KING could've been entirely cool, if the filmmakers would have just exercised a little discipline.

2.5/5
Yuen's co-director was Simon Naam aka Ngai Choi Lam, the director behind STORY OF RIKKI OH (among others), another movie that I find to be more incredible in parts than in toto.

Robowar aka Battle Bots (2018) - There are a few levels to how bad this is so let me try and lay it out here...

1. The Battle Bots are not only low quality CGI, they aren't even really part of the plot. The movie goes and then every 20 minutes or so there's a robot battle.

2. The actors deliver their lines as if they have never even read, much less practiced them before. In their defense, very little thought was put into the script or the plot.

3. One guy dies, then is blatantly playing another role but with half a mask, but you can tell it's him.

4. It's produced by Mark Polonia of Polonia brothers quasi fame.

Okay, now you know what kind of thing we're dealing with. As I watched, I mostly wondered "What is this FOR?" The best answer I could come up with is that the people involved wanted to be in a sci fi action movie and do those sort of scenes because they like watching those kind of movies. My other guess is that they were all involved in some kind of Adult Education course on film making and this was a project. Maybe it's a combination of those two.

At its very best, it kind of resembles a particularly cheap Dr Who episode.

1/5 still not as bad as Marina Monster, but I can't fairly recommend this in any sort of way. 

KICKBOXER: RETALIATION (2018)

as clinical and soulless as it gets.  endless series of random fight clips that look like they're from some new computer game. JCVD is in it but might as well not be.

bloody hell this thing is awful  :hatred:

Tonight's Stinker
Teenagers Battle the Thing (1958)
https://youtu.be/iCrn9x54Q2g?si=5zSacnWvOLgVjQvj
(Or at https://youtu.be/33CeRPUyh38?si=11D84_HV12k2GHld )

A high school teacher takes some of his students on an archeological dig.... One of them finds a rock that turns out to be a tool....
They climb a mountain & find a tablet glued to the ground real tight... They pull it out & find a hole with smoke coming out of it.... Naturally, they go inside, where they find a clay mummy & take it home...
Later that night, an unconvincing ape man with a face like a drunk werewolf busts out...

At only 0:59 minutes, It's really slow & plodding even at the last ten minutes, with an ending so abrupt, it feels anticlimactic!

TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING is even way more poorly/cheaply made than THE SNOW CREATURE... but it has a monstrous apeman so I looooooooooooove it.

Tonight's Stinker
Swamp of the Lost Monsters
https://youtu.be/dmFZbu8OxNI?si=uzzpHN18wXk6ZuhS

Had a hard time finding out more about this movie, (other than an assumption on my part that this was cobbled from some TV series) but the opening credits mention K Gordon Murray, a "producer" who imported some of the worst matinees that Mexico had to offer....
Also, this was a gosh awful VHS rip from TV of some guys weekend movie show, who cuts in with corny jokes...

So, a Mexican rancher dies, then disappears from his coffin... His brother sends for an American detective, but is murdered along the way...
Add on some guy in a cheesy sea monster costume who can't swim very well & wears an air tank...
Mostly a corny kid friendly detective story.... One scene, the hero gets in a gun fight, only to end it with nobody getting hurt (So I guess they were just shooting to scare each other)...

THE ART OF WAR (2000)

directed by the same guy who did the amazing SCANNERS 3, but this was just a mess of dashing around and random fighting. another Wesley Snipes movie to tick off the list.

Quote from: M.10rda on March 08, 2025, 11:30:46 PMTEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING is even way more poorly/cheaply made than THE SNOW CREATURE... but it has a monstrous apeman so I looooooooooooove it.

recently purchased both the 1977 and 2010 'SNOW BEAST's, both reasonably good fun in their own way.

ROMEO MUST DIE (2000)

Remember a bit of hype about this when it came out, first time watch however... Everything about this made me feel roughly 103 years old. A lot of dorky teen humour, banter, and implausible fight sequences which I'm guessing were influenced by THE MATRIX - although I switched that film off after the first fight sequence...
 Aaliyah is stunningly beautiful (feel like an old perv saying that). Hardly demonstrating great acting here, but would surely have gone on to a massive music / acting career... :(

Who is Jet Li? his entire career seems to have somehow passed me by, to the extent that I wasn't sure exactly which guy he is here. lol  :question:

6/10 weak overall but servicable.

Never saw RMD but I presumed that Jet Li was Romeo?

I have a TBTT disc like the one you speak of but w/ only the '77 BEAST on it. It's amusing but the Yeti appears onscreen even far less than he does in SNOW CREATURE!  :hatred:  Only in a couple of brief extreme close-ups. Otherwise the whole thing is like a FPS or found-footage movie shot entirely by the Yati!  :bouncegiggle: There were no 7-foot actors hanging around Hollywood in '77?

Tonight's Stinker
Demon of Paradise (1987)
https://youtu.be/sZ_saM3D2fs?si=o2NcSjmywhrQYn1N

Must mention that it's part of somebody else's weekend movie podcast... So, Anyway...

Takes place in Hawaii, Opens with some potty-mouthed dynamite fishermen & their equally potty-mouthed dynamite suppliers who become one of the subplots... After the salesmen take off, a guy in a fish suit shows up, the boats rocks & they drop the dynamite & everybody gets killed....
The local natives are complaining about a shortage of fish, & an elder talks about a demon... They do a hula dance to get rid of the monster, but a local fisherman ticks it off....
There's also a female scientist who believes the beast is real, and a local sheriff whom, no thanks to a sleezy reporter, we learn he lost his last job because he couldn't catch a serial killer...
Meanwhile, the owner of a hotel that's about to go under teams up with the down on his luck reporter to turn the monster into an advertising gimmick, which works, but with predictable consequence....

Lot's of that cheesy '80s midi-synth muzak, and a situation towards the end involving a helicopter that made me laugh out loud....

Tonight's Stinker
MST3K 517: Beginning of the End (1957)
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/beginend/
https://youtu.be/E8kc3Z7Dxok?si=qBfkZ7g1IEJ5c35L

A small Illinois town is destroyed, & all the residents disappear... A well known reporterette smells a story & decides to investigate....
After getting some pictures, both she & the national guard are stumped, until someone mentions a grain silo that collapsed a few months earlier...
Instead of going strait to the silo, the reporterette stops at an agricultural scientists laboratory to ask for directions... He takes her to the wrecked silos, where they discover giant man-eating locusts...

Must admit, I've seen the first half of this stinker several times, but for one reason or another, wasn't able to watch the end... Mike & the Bots jabs tend to produce some amusing one liners...

STREET TRASH (2024): The mayor of Cape Town has developed an aerosolized spray to melt the city's homeless population. This remake of the 1987 underground cult classic is equally gross and absurd but less nihilistic, focused instead on the hobos as a likable community fighting government oppression. It doesn't make a lot of sense and jumps around a good bit, but it's full of action, gore, drug abuse, and weird little asides (one character has an imaginary friend only he can see, a blue puppet with a foul mouth). 2.5/5.

forgot they were remaking that... not a total disaster then

Quote from: M.10rda on March 15, 2025, 07:59:01 AMNever saw RMD but I presumed that Jet Li was Romeo?

I have a TBTT disc like the one you speak of but w/ only the '77 BEAST on it. It's amusing but the Yeti appears onscreen even far less than he does in SNOW CREATURE!  :hatred:  Only in a couple of brief extreme close-ups. Otherwise the whole thing is like a FPS or found-footage movie shot entirely by the Yati!  :bouncegiggle: There were no 7-foot actors hanging around Hollywood in '77?

apologies didn't see your reply... yes very little Yeti in SNOW BEAST 77, or the 2010 as it happens... "leave 'em wanting more" (or wanting something / anything!)

When I was seeing more movies (two months ago!) I vowed to stop wasting time reviewing the bad ones. Well I've only been able to watch four this month, and the fourth was such a poor use of my time, I am gonna' break the embargo and even go so far as to SPOIL THE ENDING... just to urge folks to skip it!

HOLLYWOOD HORROR HOUSE aka SAVAGE INTRUDER (1970):
I guess this lame-to-dispiriting slasher flick was a cheapo attempt to cash in on the bizarrely popular Oldsploitation genre from the 60s and early 70s, elevated to its heights by Robert Aldrich and Curtis Harrington in suspense flicks starring Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Shelley Winters, and all other manner of matronly broads. An arrogant hippie smooth talks his way into a job in the household of a boozy over-the-hill movie star (30s star Mariam Hopkins, who I'd never heard of), her elderly cook (30s/40s actress Florence Lake, who I'd never heard of), her no-nonsense manager (30s-50s Oscar-winner Gayle Sondergaard, who at least I'd heard of!), and the movie star's young nursemaid (Virginia Wing, who was in CHARLEY VARRICK). It was a bad idea to give this guy a job, as 1.) he's a complete jagoff and arsehole and 2.) there's been a recent spate of serial murders/dismemberments of "women of a certain age" in the Hollywood Hills... unfortunately by the time Sondergaard, Wing, and Lake get wise to the jerk, he's already swept Hopkins into an unlikely Norma Desmond/Joe Gillis-type romance...

SAVAGE INTRUDER (its more common title) has some occasional Herschell Gordon Lewis-style gore (red paint for blood et al) and two psychedelic flashback sequences that are actually relatively interesting. Beyond that, it was a chore for much of its running time. Hopkins' performance isn't particularly accomplished but the hippie (played by "John David Garfield", who I must assume is no relation to John Garfield) is insufferable from moment one, just a nasty snotty turd with no redeeming or intriguing qualities. (Sondergaard and Lake are good, however, with little to work with, and Wing is at least appealing.) It seems from the very start that the Hippie is almost certainly the serial killer, but these kinds of movies tend to live or die on surprising and even improbably eleventh-hour twists, so I kept watching in hopes of a really good other-shoe drop. NOPE - the hippie is indeed the killer, and after he offs Hopkins, we don't even get the satisfaction of watching one or more of the three surviving women foiling him and bringing him to justice. He knocks each of them off in turn, then enjoys the whole mansion on his own!

:hatred: 0.5/5
If I want to see a smug, loathsome liar get away with crimes against humanity and never be brought to justice, I'll just read the headlines.

Not like this is any kind of amelioration, but I might as well mention that Fifth Stooge Curly Joe Besser makes two brief appearances.

The man who killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot (2018)

Now there is a title I couldn't resist. Calvin Barr, who successfully (and very secretly) assassinated Hitler in WW II, is called from retirement to kill Bigfoot before the creature unleashes a devastating virus on the world. However Calvin has come to wonder whether his sacrifice at the time had been worth it, seeing what the world had become.

In the category movies with exciting titles who turn out to be disappointing, this is right up there with Fire Maidens from Outer Space. There is barely enough plot for 30 minutes, and it is stretched out to 1h38. We spend a full 40 minutes with a retired Sam Elliot before the men in black even show up to recruit him. There is hardly any suspense, action, atmosphere or character development. The premise is not bad, but the movie does absolutely nothing with it. Avoid.

Tonight's Stinker
Hercules and the Masked Rider (1963)
https://youtu.be/64zVVd29-hI?si=TTZNu7xVj8pEDdJ1

So, uh, instead of ancient Greece, it's 16th century Spain, & Hercules is not the main character.... And so I'm having trouble remembering the first third of the movie, because I was too busy trying to wrap my head around that...
Okay, so, in 16th century Spain, a Duke chases some escaping serfs onto a Don's property... The Duke threatens war unless he marries the Don's daughter... Old & committed to peace, the Don capitulates...
However, a soldier betrothed to the Dona returns the next day, quickly learns the truth, gets exiled, & falls in with some gypsies, & becomes the masked rider....

A bad film print, ripped from a bad VHS, & the dubbing gets grating at times....

Tonight's Stinker
Colossus and the Amazon Queen (1960)
https://youtu.be/9sYoYgL4rGo?si=37UnmucRabitywFk

So, it opens with an organized brawl, Glauco wins is the last man standing, & everybody walks away happy...
Later that night, Pirro, his untrustable friend is approached by a pair of shady sailors who talk him into getting him on the next boat in exchange for drinking money.... Next morning, they're on the boat, & well. one thing leads to another....
Eventually, they make it to an island where they find promised gold & a table with free food & wine that's been drugged... The sailors abandon them to be enslaved by the Amazons....
Of course, the Amazons have their own set of problems, with the two alphas at each others throats, & a queen who's bored & likes to stay drunk....
Meanwhile, an escaped Egyptian inventor plots everyone's escape.....

There's also a dated joke about an effeminate group of men....
Mostly comedy, with really poorly placed big band swing music during fight scenes....

QuoteMostly comedy, with really poorly placed big band swing music during fight scenes....

that sounds like a bad movies that don't exist description  :bouncegiggle:

Obambo (2022) - No, it's not Barack Obama rampaging across the countryside with a machine gun, it's a Tanzanian horror movie that's perfect for this section of the board. I was putting a new skateboard together as I watched this (not many skate shops around anymore) and I seriously doubt I would have made it through without being otherwise occupied.

People rent a house and unfortunately for them, Obambo is in it. He looks like a ghost version of Rockwell, the "I always feel like somebody's watching me" guy from the 80's. Something horrible happened at the house years before and his soul was yadda yadda etc. It's a bad house.

The pace of the dialogue is weirdly slow and there's not a lot of background music or anything. It's very spare and basically just doesn't have any justification for it. The story is okay I guess and there's some okay stuff, like at one point Obambo attacks one of the people living in the house and she opens her eyes and is in a forest or something. The gore was someone throwing red water against a wall.

In general, I'd say people in Tanzania need to wake up and start moving around more quickly. Another approach might be the one "Who Killed Captain Alex?" a Ugandan film, took, which is to have a guy making fun of the movie the whole time a la MST3K. I did it myself but it wasn't very sophisticated or tasteful, just going "Obamaboooo" every 15 minutes.

2/5

currently no reviews on IMDB

A SPRING FOR THE THIRSTY (1965):
Every review I've seen on Letterboxd of this B+W Russian art film is glowingly, almost rapturously positive. Although there were no English subtitles on the print I watched, there's also very little dialogue - it's mostly a long series of mostly non-linear montage of still compositions with some occasional impressive camera movements. Many of those Letterboxd reviewers are happy to unpack the narrative in great detail and relate how it's the story of an aging man who spent decades helping scores of other folks access freshwater from the eponymous source in his yard, before the march of progress passed him by. Now he sits alone, rueful, trying not to think about his past glories as he waits for inevitable death. That sounds like a powerful motion picture (and very Russian!), and I picked all that up from about the first 5 minutes of A SPRING FOR THE THIRSTY, but then it kept going for another 68 minutes. Ah well, that's a common problem for me lately - in numerous films I've watched recently, and (ahem) in my own reviews!  :lookingup:

A common theme among the reverent praise of this film seems to be that it speaks to some profound universal truth about aging, reflection upon one's youth, regret, loss, the acceptance of mortality, deterioration, etc etc etc. All this may well be True (to invoke the Rumian proverb) but is it Necessary, particularly at such length? When I was a young man, I instinctively lusted for content (action, dialogue, events!!!) but taught myself to patiently consume Tarkovski films and then Bela Tarr, Aleksandr Sokurov, and Gyorgy Feher. I thought an appreciation for those slooooooow Eastern Eur/Asian films was important and commendable, and in some cases I was right. Now that I'm an old man, however, I question whether patience and discipline are such virtues for a filmgoer. I hunger for content more than ever, and I want it delivered more efficiently, as inescapably I am closer to death and have less time to waste. I live with regret aaaaaaall the time, but I sit around contemplating the past and my legacy very little. More than ever, I am itching to act constructively while I still can, or at least be fooled by movies into thinking I'm doing something constructive with my time. I still like Tarkovski and Tarr, but quite a bit happens in most of their films, albeit often in slow-motion.

Comparatively, nothing happens in ASFTT... that one couldn't glean from any five minute excerpt. Even Tarkovski's least eventful film (THE MIRROR, maybe?) is infinitely more eventful and complex. Tarkovski died before he was old but maybe he knew he was on the clock and he made the most of his time, and his viewers'. Director Yuri Ilyenko was only 29 when he made ASFTT and his Old Man drag seems inescapably like the put-on of a young punk.  :bouncegiggle:  Maybe he wasn't quite dreading the sands in his hourglass quite yet. I'd be interested in checking out one of his later films to see if he ever felt motivated to pick up the pace.

2/5
I was gonna' write more but surely I have better things to do!

Tonight's Stinker
The Pumaman (1980)
https://youtu.be/e59kuXC_bzA?si=7ifvL64j3OVj3HWy

So, a million years ago, aliens gave the Aztecs a gold mask, promising Pumaman would protect it....
Present day London, Donald Pleasance leads a group of villains in black leather jumpsuits, who have stolen the mask & intend to use it to control the minds of world leaders... But first, an archeologist warns him about the Pumaman, whom he resolves to find & kill....
Cut to a professor out for a jog, reading about a rash of murders... He goes back to work, where he senses danger, & a Latino with super human strength attacks him & tosses him out a window, but he survives... Later on, the Latino shows up at his house, tells the professor he's the Pumaman, & tries to get him to try on a belt...

The audio is pretty grating most of the time, but the disco & midi-synth soundtrack is amusingly goofy...
Campy fun that manages to stay engaging most of the time...

Tonight's Stinker
Shoot the Living and Pray for the Dead (1971)
https://youtu.be/1j6fCW5jL1E?si=nDFQkeEUyW1VNqSJ

Okay, so, I've always enjoyed a good Spaghetti Western, and I've always admired Klaus Kinski's prolific film career, being known just as much for his bmovies as he is for his art house movies, and with the advent of the internet, I learned Kinski made a few of these westerns... So, something I had to get outa my system...

This turned out to be a mystery/suspense...
The first half follows the formula of a group of people holed up in a bar, with a group of bad guys, the leader being especially sadistic, & tensions rise...
It turn out, the gang robbed a bank, which is all over the telegraph lines, their guide for the desert has been murdered, & their bagman is way late...

At the bar, a stranger offers to show them the way to Mexico in exchange for half their loot...

The loot shows up, & the second half of the movie is pretty much the formula of people lost in the desert, not sure if they can trust their guide...

SHOULD A SCHOOLGIRL TELL? (1969):
I got overconfident after my luck with YOUNG LUCREZIA and decided to watch even another random softcore EuroSleaze flick from the golden age of such things. Unlike many German Schoolgirl flicks of the era, this one isn't an anthology of lame skits and instead has a single, unified, actually rather complicated plot.  Huh?!

So we've got a high school girl ("Josephine", 'cause most heroines in German sex comedies are called "Josephine") and her new boyfriend, who enjoy sneaking off and schtupping in a rowboat. In the afterglow he sullenly relates his dysfunctional household, where his two teenage step-sisters constantly force him into having intercourse, and to make matters worse now his stepmother is getting into the routine too. (This film was about a half-century ahead of current hardcore internet trends!) Somehow Josephine and her boyfriend and the stepmother are all embroiled in a scandal involving a pervy girls' gym teacher, a vengeful landlord, a corrupt prosecutor, Josephine's horny single dad, Josephine's hot prostitute cousin, a groovy photographer of nude ladies, and... I dunno, some other stuff. I admire the screenwriter(s) for thinking that anyone was watching a film w/ this title for its labyrinthine web of characters!

Like YOUNG LUCy, SAST has occasionally legit-punchy dialogue and better dubbing performances than most of us probably expect from star-free foreign exploitation. Josephine's brother is a Max Fischer-type who sells the groovy photographer's nude photographs (to adults, not other teens!) and at least one of his exchanges with a client made me literally LOL. Really all I expect from porn is that it makes us laugh, amirite guys?

2.5/5 John Waters would probably dig this flick if only it was a little less heteronormative.

Tonight's Stinker
The Breach (2013-I Think)
https://youtu.be/Rh1bvFfdccg?si=bKv1_1jOQeRwzFoz

And what a stinker... It looks like somebody got an autofocus night vision camera for Christmas, and got with some neighborhood teens & decided to make a zombie movie....

So, these two teenage girls go up the country, get lost & their car breaks down... One of them goes looking for help, & runs afoul of zombies in shrink-wrap.... Then she runs into someone who can barely remember his lines explains (for a really long time) how a group of scientists tore a hole in the universe & opened the gate to hell.... (At this point, I quit paying attention...)
Then, they keep adding more characters who can barely remember their lines, none of which are delivered with any real sincerity....

Really goofy stop motion monster shows up in the second half....
I'd say, maybe, 0.00001% better than any given Polonia Bros flick....

Journey to the Center of Time

A team of scientists (led by a dead ringer for Henry Kissinger, for those of us who remember him) is developing a machine to see into the past and the future. Something goes wrong, and they are hurled across time.

This is one of those movies where the script by far exceeds the capabilities of cast, crew and budget. To their credit, they spent their money wisely, so the few sets and effects don't look too bad. However, it does mean that most of the movie consists of a handful of people saying uninspired lines standing about in one of two sets. The rest is made up from  footage of other movies. Not quite as bad as the Wizard of Mars, but not very good either.

SATAN'S BLOOD (1978)

bought this purely on the strength of Jean-Piquer 'PIECES' Simon's involvement as producer... PIECES it is not.

a sadly limp single-setting creaky eurosleaze satanic panic giallo-cum-softcore ouija board-'em-up, partially rescued by inept dubbing.

rips off Argento's creepy doll scene from DEEP RED.

LASERBLAST, the MST3K version 😄

THE SUBSTANCE (2024)

wanted to like it. trailer was promising. deliberately avoided reading or watching anything else...

lasted 45 minutes of the 2hr 15 mins before shouting at the screen. and I spent £12 on the dvd too. not bothered that I will never see the apparently 'crazy' ending. everything about this (save for the special fx of the body transmorph thing) was utter drivel.

Demi Moore is actually okay, but the kind of insanely horrible deliberate overacting on display here from Dennis Quaid and every supporting actor drove me nuts. I cannot put into words how much I despise this kind of big wacky overacting. plus a rubbish gimmicky, kooky script, and also vast stretches of boring nothingness. I swear at least 10 minutes of the 45 I endured was Demi Moore walking across town to a house, with nothing else going on.

horrible music too... disappointed in myself for thinking it would be good.

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019)

saw the first ANNABELLE and thought it was boring. accidentally saw one sequel (prequel? set in the past iirc) which was surprisingly decent.

This was boring again. it's clearly aimed at 14 yr old girls. It's just a bunch of girls running around a house, with zero scares.  There's also a major problem... after the first 10 minutes there is no doll... they forgot about the doll! in a scary possessed doll movie... bro....

also yet another film swamped in permanent green/brown murky cam vision. why do they all do this?

losing faith in new horror totally at this juncture.... someone needs to do  something

Tonight's Stinker
Horror Rises from the Tomb (1973)
https://youtu.be/fvAOzMCvLpE?si=qAO9lFbFaurMeomZ

The naughty bits have been edited for television, but not the gory bits...

So, in 1400s France, a warlock & his wife are executed, but not before they can place a curse on their captures...
Cut to present day Paris, a painter is having visions, while his manager takes their girlfriends to a séance, where they try to find out where the warlock is buried.... The spirit reveals the graveyard, which the manager conveniently happens to own, which is a secluded place up in the mountains.....
On the way there, they get carjacked, leaving them stranded...

The rest, I'm not even going to try to explain, as the plot wonders all over the place, even crossing different genres.....

Great bouncing dead body in HRFTT...! Terrible fake corpses were kind of a motif in Naschy flicks.  :thumbup:

Quote from: zombie no.one on April 10, 2025, 09:33:36 PMI swear at least 10 minutes of the 45 I endured was Demi Moore walking across town to a house, with nothing else going on.

She almost won an Oscar for that! Can you believe this?  :wink:

if it's in the category for 'most amount of ground covered on foot by a brunette in a sci-fi body horror', then would be well deserved imo.

feel like I really got carried away negatively in those last 2 reviews. I've calmed down a bit now  :smile:

Starcrash (1978)

Recently rewatched this in HD after seeing it many times on TV in the 80's, VHS and DVD.  Even when I first saw it as a teen I appreciated how much the director, effects crew and designers were trying.  Obviously they didn't have the time, budget, equipment and experience to achieve what they envisaged.  But they tried 100% and it shows even though it mostly doesn't work. 

You can't just stick model kit bits onto a surface without taking into account some sort of function.  People will notice the Saturn V or Space 1999 sections on your spaceship.  I have to admire how model movement is achieved by pushing them along rails then masking out the person pushing the model and the rail.  It's the kind of thing you'd try as a youngster.  Spraying all of the models silver then lighting them via coloured gels.  Bizarre but the colours are fantastic along with the star fields.  You can't fault how colourful the film is.

The stop motion is mostly clunky but occasionally pretty good.  And the light sabres/laser swords are actually done very well.

I've read reviews saying how crap the film is to the point of derogatory.  But I don't think these writers appreciate what Cozzi was trying to achieve or his personality which is obvious throughout the film.  Sure it's the studio trying for a cash grab in the wake of Star Wars, but I can appreciate Cozzi's vision. 

The terrible dialogue, mad plotting and ludicrous/absence of science makes it a bad film.  But they tried and it shows, which is to be admired   :smile:

I'm just gonna' post my Bad Recent Viewings haikus here, since no one visits the poetry board anymore!

BONES (2000): 1/5
Sex trafficker's ghost
Played by real sex trafficker:
As fun as that sounds.

WILSON (2017):

Clowes films all the same:
Sad angry men, s*at upon.
But WILSON ends well!

Woody Harrelson
Looks tiny next to Laura
Dern; and Judy Greer!

Always thought he was
A bigger guy; maybe dank
Nugs make you shrivel?

2.5/5

The idea is cool,
But if you don't know the flick
They don't make much sense.

Yeah.  :bluesad: Still it keeps me from posting three long paragraphs.

Quote from: LordGraal on April 13, 2025, 03:30:07 PMStarcrash (1978)

Recently rewatched this in HD after seeing it many times on TV in the 80's, VHS and DVD.  Even when I first saw it as a teen I appreciated how much the director, effects crew and designers were trying.  Obviously they didn't have the time, budget, equipment and experience to achieve what they envisaged.  But they tried 100% and it shows even though it mostly doesn't work. 

You can't just stick model kit bits onto a surface without taking into account some sort of function.  People will notice the Saturn V or Space 1999 sections on your spaceship.  I have to admire how model movement is achieved by pushing them along rails then masking out the person pushing the model and the rail.  It's the kind of thing you'd try as a youngster.  Spraying all of the models silver then lighting them via coloured gels.  Bizarre but the colours are fantastic along with the star fields.  You can't fault how colourful the film is.

The stop motion is mostly clunky but occasionally pretty good.  And the light sabres/laser swords are actually done very well.

I've read reviews saying how crap the film is to the point of derogatory.  But I don't think these writers appreciate what Cozzi was trying to achieve or his personality which is obvious throughout the film.  Sure it's the studio trying for a cash grab in the wake of Star Wars, but I can appreciate Cozzi's vision. 

The terrible dialogue, mad plotting and ludicrous/absence of science makes it a bad film.  But they tried and it shows, which is to be admired   :smile:

only seen it once, but definitely in the so-bad-it's-good category...

it reminded me of one of those youtube vids where someone has condensed an entire movie down into 45 seconds keeping just the wacky / crucial / funniest bits, except the entire film was like that 

Quote from: zombie no.one on April 15, 2025, 09:16:19 AM

Quote from: LordGraal on April 13, 2025, 03:30:07 PMStarcrash (1978)

Recently rewatched this in HD after seeing it many times on TV in the 80's, VHS and DVD.  Even when I first saw it as a teen I appreciated how much the director, effects crew and designers were trying.  Obviously they didn't have the time, budget, equipment and experience to achieve what they envisaged.  But they tried 100% and it shows even though it mostly doesn't work. 

You can't just stick model kit bits onto a surface without taking into account some sort of function.  People will notice the Saturn V or Space 1999 sections on your spaceship.  I have to admire how model movement is achieved by pushing them along rails then masking out the person pushing the model and the rail.  It's the kind of thing you'd try as a youngster.  Spraying all of the models silver then lighting them via coloured gels.  Bizarre but the colours are fantastic along with the star fields.  You can't fault how colourful the film is.

The stop motion is mostly clunky but occasionally pretty good.  And the light sabres/laser swords are actually done very well.

I've read reviews saying how crap the film is to the point of derogatory.  But I don't think these writers appreciate what Cozzi was trying to achieve or his personality which is obvious throughout the film.  Sure it's the studio trying for a cash grab in the wake of Star Wars, but I can appreciate Cozzi's vision. 

The terrible dialogue, mad plotting and ludicrous/absence of science makes it a bad film.  But they tried and it shows, which is to be admired   :smile:

only seen it once, but definitely in the so-bad-it's-good category...

it reminded me of one of those youtube vids where someone has condensed an entire movie down into 45 seconds keeping just the wacky / crucial / funniest bits, except the entire film was like that 

Starcrash and The Humanoid are my favourite Italian Star Wars cash-ins.  The Humanoid particularly as I saw it at the cinema and it's a cut above Starcrash in terms of photogrpahy, locations, sets and costumes.  The effects are also more accomplished so it's a shame they didn't make anymore films of this type.

Tonight's Stinker
The Sword of the Barbarians (1982)
https://youtu.be/BDPSjiKuSnw?si=JkG8JCTPFErGhQpN

Italian Sword & sandal flick, with some goofy gore & gratuitous nudity....
Opens with a long narrative, which (for me) distracted from what was happening on screen.... I got the gist that a warlord wiped out the hero, but while he was a baby, then he grows up to lead a group of people around the country side looking for a place to settle down...
He finds a place, but it's already occupied by peaceful villagers who take them in, and a warlord who's goddess demands revenge after the hero kills some of his goons...
Confused yet? There's also some tension between the hero's girlfriend & the daughter of the chief that takes them in....
The warlord comes back & destroys the village & kills the girlfriend, but the chief's daughter escapes, they meet an Asian archer & a quest begins....

I have a headache, and I blame this movie... 

Quote from: LilCerberus on April 19, 2025, 09:12:43 PMTonight's Stinker
The Sword of the Barbarians (1982)
https://youtu.be/BDPSjiKuSnw?si=JkG8JCTPFErGhQpN

Italian Sword & sandal flick, with some goofy gore & gratuitous nudity....
Opens with a long narrative, which (for me) distracted from what was happening on screen.... I got the gist that a warlord wiped out the hero, but while he was a baby, then he grows up to lead a group of people around the country side looking for a place to settle down...
He finds a place, but it's already occupied by peaceful villagers who take them in, and a warlord who's goddess demands revenge after the hero kills some of his goons...
Confused yet? There's also some tension between the hero's girlfriend & the daughter of the chief that takes them in....
The warlord comes back & destroys the village & kills the girlfriend, but the chief's daughter escapes, they meet an Asian archer & a quest begins....

I have a headache, and I blame this movie... 

God I miss Italian cash-in's in the late 70's early 80's  :teddyr:

Tonight's Stinker
Hearts And Armour (1983)
https://youtu.be/6rEYz-vJX-0?si=7pPEewIGdtuVesKH

Italian knights this time...
As Christians & moors prepare for war, a young woman gets a prophecy that she will fall for a moor prince, but a Christian knight will kill him... She's then, rescued from a gang by a knight who gives her a magic set of armor... Later on she rescues a moor princess, but doesn't reveal her identity until after she meets the Christian knight, whom it turns out, is already in love with the princess...
Meanwhile, the moor prince sets out to rescue his sister, where we find out he & another woman are already in love...

As love & war, this movie gets very convoluted, with lots of long drawn out fight scenes that could've used some of that '80s synth music that dominates the soundtrack....

3 FROM HELL (2019):
If you'd told me back in 2003 when I emerged from the movie theater after watching HOUSE OF 1K CORPSES that it would spawn not one but two sequels I would've emitted a hard guffaw, and then if you'd told me that HO1KC would be easily the best of those three films, I would've whistled in derision. I think HO1KC is a terrible film but Sid Haig makes a big impression playing the hilarious Captain Spaulding, who really has nothing to do w/ the original film's story whatsoever, which is probably why his performance is such a welcome relief. DEVIL'S REJECTS has a lot more Sid Haig, but he plays a vicious ignorant old creep who calls himself Captain Spaulding yet doesn't act anything like the character from the previous movie, and also everything else about DEVIL'S REJECTS makes my stomach turn with equal parts revulsion and boredom.  :thumbdown:

Oddly, 3 FROM HELL surprised my expectations by being superior to REJECTS, in part because (rather counterintuitively) the late Haig is only onscreen for a couple of minutes and therefore his character doesn't overstay his welcome, like nearly everything else about this characteristically gratuitous (2+ hours!) and trashy Rob Zombie joint. A previously unknown dirtbag Firefly brother with no character definition whatsoever replaces Spaulding, and Bill Mosely and S-M Zombie's despicable characters from the previous movies return. Mosely, who was great once upon a time in that radio station scene in TCM2, is totally on cruise control, happy to take Rob's money while barely even inflecting his line delivery. Perhaps unintentionally on Mosely's part, this helps make the main characters less intolerably loathsome than they were previously. It does occasionally seem like it dawned on Zombie that he might try to soften the Firefly family's edges and allow normal viewers who are not potentially violent sociopaths to follow their adventures and not constantly want to puke in antipathy. Even S-M gives a nearly competent performance (...16 years in the making...).

It's still complete garbage, however. Zombie exhausts his plot after 75 minutes but instead of having the decency or mercy to end the film, he takes the action to Mexico for a completely unrelated storyline for another 50 minutes. Blech! The one good thing about REJECTS is it appeared to kill off these characters at the end, which cannot be said for 3FH. Let it die, Zombie!

1.5/5
Why did I even watch this? Because it was there, I suppose.  :bluesad:

KILLER VS. KILLER (1985):
Now this is what I call a good Bad Movie! We're only seconds out of the opening credits when a preposterous-looking 80s goofball w/ a dumb moustache and a Richard Simmons perm casually approaches a legitimately tough thug, sticks his finger in the thug's face, and complains because the thug killed two people with a grenade in his presence. Shortly thereafter a different thug shoots a guy on rollerskates and punches an apparently pregnant woman in the stomach - she responds by removing the thug's hand with a pair of metal shears. Okay, KILLER VS. KILLER, you have my attention!

Unfortunately KVK plays out more like OCEANS FIVE for its entire first half. Edmund Purdom (from PIECES, ATHROPOPHAGUS 2: ABSURD, and others) plays a villainous corporatist named "His Majesty" who wants some kind of special formula stolen from a chemical plant and also wants the plant blown up. To get the job done, he enlists a snarky fat guy to Assemble The Squad! The Squad includes "Ferrari", the ridiculous-looking goofball w/ the perm and bad 'stache; a safecracker who looks like Larry David and pays women to dance naked in his apartment; and the apparently pregnant woman, who wasn't actually pregnant and probably never will be, in spite of Ferrari's lustful attentions. I say this 'cause - between her pronounced Adam's Apple, the fact that she's taller than all the guys in the Squad, and the fact she looks like Amanda Lear - I was pretty sure she was a very 80's-looking trans woman. (In fact she's played by Dalila DiLazzaro, who was in Argento's PHENOMENA and apparently was born female.)  :lookingup:

The fourth member of the Squad is Henry Silva as a wealthy hitman with a private zoo (!) on the grounds of his mansion. After the Squad delivers on their contract, His Majesty of course decides to double-cross them and have them eliminated. Need I tell you that it's a very bad idea to double-cross Henry Silva? The thing about Henry Silva (at least in this movie) is you never know if he's unhappy with you because his expression never, ever, ever changes. You'll know he's unhappy, however, when he sics his pet leopard on your henchmen and then picks off individual flunkies with a bazooka (which even the least temperate among us must admit is overdoing it!).

This was politziotecchi director Fernando DiLeo's final film and his fans seem a little defensive or apologetic about it, but I'm not complaining. When Silva and the other surviving characters are inexplicably teleported from Silva's palatial estate to an empty field for the final mano-a-escape car faceoff, I just shrugged, 'cause that's what I expect and kind of demand from a good ol' Bad Movie! And I always love it when an Italian film ends abruptly/ridiculously on a freeze-frame and the obligatory block letters of capitulation: "FINE". Okay, the movie's over already, fine!!!

2.5/5
The English opening credits on this print include Ray Lovelock from BREAKFAST AT MANCHESTER MORGUE and many DiLeo cop films. Alas Ray Lovelock isn't in this movie! Too bad - he would've made a much better second male lead and foil to Silva than the wet wimpy tool who plays "Ferrari"!

hmm never heard of that one... tried to investigate Fernando Di Leo's stuff but found his films by and large too expensive / rare to get hold of on physical

aside from being in one of my all time favs PIECES Edward Purdom also directed the craptastic DON'T OPEN TILL XMAS

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT (2004)

One of those perpetual "shall I watch this one?.... ermmm... nah", which finally turned into an "erghhh.... okay may as well watch this and get it over with". aka the joy and wonder of cinema

I suppose you reach a period in your life where anything after that period will forever be either 'new', or 'new-ish' in your brain... that period is somewhere around 1997 /98 /99 ish for me. So it's quite weird to think this movie is over 20 yrs old

I was in a charity shop yesterday and some girl pointed at this dress and said to her friend "oh wow, that dress is soooo 2017!". I had a good mind to exclaim "my word young lady, 2017 was a mere 2 weeks ago, you utterly ridiculous yet oddly charming creature!". but I didn't. I just stood there and stewed in my oldness.

Oh yeah, the film.

Ashton Kutcher collects butterflies. He runs around catching them in his butterfly net, and nails them to a plank of wood until they confess where they've hidden the diamonds. but they never do. "cat got your tongue or something eh?" he yells at them. "giving me the silent treatment eh? well two can play at that game... and I'm gonna call that game, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT game"

The rest of the film plays out in total silence with Kutcher striking weird poses and flirting with the camera. Disappointing.

.......I saw THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT in the mid-00s but yes, that is essentially how I recall it!

yeah that's my experimental 'artists impression' of the film, glad it resonated!

(not to get too tin-foil-hat but I've read some pretty dodgy alleged stuff about the lad Kutcher recently, can't say I was really a fan of him anyway though)

TAKEN 3

The 2nd one was one of the most nondescript films I think I've ever seen, this one is a bit more engaging. The initial set-up scenes are actually very watchable, to the point that it's almost disappointing when the inevitable action / chasing starts. The completely implausible action. The way Liam Neeson escapes his first 'tricky situation' is so ridiculous it's like a bad comedy sketch. Then the music score goes into overdrive and we also get a very weirdly placed soppy love song in an otherwise 'tense' chasey bit... weird.

TEKKEN 3 > TAKEN 3

5.5 Liam Neesons out of 10.

trivia: Ashton Kutcher appears in my all time least favorite movie poster/ cover

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GpfdwQvXUAAewNi?format=png&name=small)

yeah that's cringe...

"cameron & ashton", what is it a film or a doc?  :question:

Tonight's Stinker
Late August at the Hotel Ozone (1967)
https://youtu.be/__t2ChNpfao?si=eMS1lLrjWAbGFSzu

Made in Czechoslovakia during the cold war, fifty years after world war 3, an elderly woman leads a group of younger women around the country side looking for whatever they can use, & ways to try & break the monotony....
Then, about forty five minutes in, they find & kill a cow (pretty graphic scene).... The noise attracts the attention of an elderly man, who takes them back to a hotel, where he has everything they need, but no other men...

Quote from: LilCerberus on April 26, 2025, 09:32:19 PMTonight's Stinker
Late August at the Hotel Ozone (1967)
https://youtu.be/__t2ChNpfao?si=eMS1lLrjWAbGFSzu

Made in Czechoslovakia during the cold war, fifty years after world war 3, an elderly woman leads a group of younger women around the country side looking for whatever they can use, & ways to try & break the monotony....
Then, about forty five minutes in, they find & kill a cow (pretty graphic scene).... The noise attracts the attention of an elderly man, who takes them back to a hotel, where he has everything they need, but no other men...

That's been on my list to check out for a while. It's not really known as a "bad" film, though.

Here's a REALLY bad one:

JACKER (1993): Shot-on-video zero budget flick about a supposed New Jersey carjacker who's really more of a serial killer and mostly just kind of a dick. No production value, terrible acting, ugly videography, a senseless script that was basically written in a weekend--yes, they deserve credit for making a movie, but come on, you have to be a masochist to watch this. So little sense in the script. Jacker Mike drugs his girlfriend by dropping sleeping pills in her beer--whole pills, he doesn't even crush them up, then pours it into a glass! He swears revenge on the investigating detective--because he's offended that the cop asked him if he killed his girlfriend, which of course he happily did. No one thinks to check the handwriting on the suicide note Mike fakes. Takes the cops a while to figure out who killed the detective's sister, despite Mike actually threatening to do it the day before it happens. Not much stage blood, either, except for the best scene where psycho Mike, for no real reason, cuts open his hand and mixes blood with his shredded wheat! I think they must have known this was bad when they were making it. 1/5, but fairly watchable; if you really want to see a genuinely bad movie, this is one.

Tonight's Stinker
A Dream Come True (1963)
https://youtu.be/DQyK62liJ-M?si=sUHwMjEAQjYSKqVE

Soviet sci-fi....
A narrator introduces the cosmonauts that will be in the story.... Then one of them plays a song for his girlfriend, which somehow makes it across space to a group of aliens, who decide it's reason enough to fly to earth & check us out.... But, right around Mars, they crash....
The aliens manage to send a distress call to Earth, & they decide to step up production on a new space ship, & another song ensues.....

The ending is pretty confusing....
Fans will recognize various elements recycled for Queen Of Blood (1966)
Due to the short runtime, I was gonna try & make it a twofer, but this one was exhausting enough, Then again, an infected tooth makes everything pretty exhausting....

Quote from: M.10rda on April 25, 2025, 05:33:27 PMKILLER VS. KILLER (1985):
 (In fact she's played by Dalila DiLazzaro, who was in Argento's PHENOMENA and apparently was born female.)  :lookingup:

Dalila Di Lazzaro was a bona fide glamour model/actress in the 80s. If you bought Italian car magazines at the time, you could come across her in various states of undress (that is at least how I remember her)

That's cool. Good for her! She's a lovely lady. VERY TALL.  :smile:

JACKER 2: DESCENT TO HELL (1996): Mike the carjacker survived his fall from the first JACKER and now is an invulnerable supernatural entity occasionally haunted by his dead girlfriend. More ambitious, with some cheap video experimental film effects for dream sequences, and even more nonsensical than the first one---a big step up for the zero-budget filmmakers. 2/5. JACKER 3 is listed as in-production.

Has anybody seen Scarlet Fry's JUNK FOOD HORROR FEST????

Quote from: indianasmith on April 28, 2025, 06:11:06 PMHas anybody seen Scarlet Fry's JUNK FOOD HORROR FEST????

With Calico Cooper?

Quote from: Rev. Powell on April 28, 2025, 07:14:00 PM

Quote from: indianasmith on April 28, 2025, 06:11:06 PMHas anybody seen Scarlet Fry's JUNK FOOD HORROR FEST????

With Calico Cooper?

That's the one!
Oh my, that was a fun thread . . .

Quote from: indianasmith on April 28, 2025, 08:51:56 PM

Quote from: Rev. Powell on April 28, 2025, 07:14:00 PM

Quote from: indianasmith on April 28, 2025, 06:11:06 PMHas anybody seen Scarlet Fry's JUNK FOOD HORROR FEST????

With Calico Cooper?

That's the one!
Oh my, that was a fun thread . . .

Bumped it for people to read 😂😂