I tossed this title out in the thread about creating reviews of movies that don't exist, but now I can't get it out of my head!
So, how about we put our trash cinema minds together and come up with a cast and screenplay for . . .
HIPPOS OF THE CORN!!
(Tagline: "They're Very, Very Hungry!")
CAST:
Goodman McNiceypants (played by a blond Tom Holland clone) - protagonist, a Kansas corn farmer trying to bring American farming techniques to the Nile Delta
Suzie McNiceypants - (played by a generic corn-fed blonde) - his perky, endlessly cheerful wife. Hippo fodder in the first ten minutes)
And . . . someone give us a villain and his henchmen!
Wu Sun Cheng - A Chinese businessman who wants to create a world where all animals are vegan and believes the key lies in genetic manipulation. His preparedness to cut corners to achieve his dream however will lead to unexpected consequences.
Who Flung Dung: a shady South African of Chinese descent - he came down without a parachute - whose main goal is to turn South African sewage farms into food processing factories 😝😉
Nice! Now we need the local color:
Ali HoTep - a wise old Egyptian fisherman who tries to warn Goodman about the bizarre behavior of the hippos. Everyone ignores him except the hippos, who eat him.
Bubba Ho-Tep - his intense nephew who leads an angry mob to set fire to the cornfields and flush the hippos out
Faro Ali - Egyptian farmer who isn't too sure Kansas corn fits in the local ecosystem. Rolls his eyes at Goodman throughout the film.
Ibrahim Aziz - Egyptian archeologist who knows about the curse of the hippos from ancient papyrus
Dr. Happy MacDigless - a British archeologist who can't excavate sites due to his severe dust allergy. Why is he even in Egypt?
I'm adding to the cast.
Wang: a sleezy vague Asian man (possibly Mexican) with a Fu-Manchu mustache and a metal claw for a hand. He serves as the henchman for our big mad and most of his lines are eith sinister laughing or "Yeeeessss, Mister (insert name here)".
And as we've killed the wife character, we need a new love interest.
Sarah Goodchest: A busty British woman in a tight fighting explorers outfit that's spent the last several years of her life living among the Hippos. Naturally for the first part of the movie, she'll think our hero is an idiot.
Bruce Reeee: a tiny anthropomorphic frog who screams expletives from time to time for no reason other than to irritate the cast, the crew and the viewer 😳
Marvin Snodgrass - an enterprising journalist looking for a scoop in the cornfield. Has to be scooped up after hippo encounter.
That's a good starting cast. Now for the opening credits:
Sprightly music plays as the sun rises over a beautiful green field of corn. The Great Pyramids of Giza are clumsily photoshopped into the background.
The music turns darker as the scene switches to stock footage of hippos cavorting in the Nile River.
Then an intense, cord-crunching rock guitar solo begins as the scene shifts again, to a swarm of hippos attacking a crocodile.
The camera swings back to the cornfield, but something unseen is cutting a swath through the corn towards the viewer.
Then a badly rendered CGI Hippo pops up, opens its mouth, and seemingly swallows the camera.
Scene cuts to black.
Dramatic, loud cord is played as the title pops up:
HIPPOS OF THE CORN
(Someone else want to describe scene I?)
We see Suzie and Good driving in a car as the credits are overlayed and a bad country western song plays informing us that a man with whiskey is a man without a care and a man without care can be a hero.
They're driving, and driving, and driving, and driving, and just when you think they aren't ever going to stop driving, Goodman slams on the breaks. He explains to a startled Suzie that he thought he saw something, but there's nothing there now.
Bruce Reeee calls him multiple ethnic slurs.
We see the close up of something's eyes. They're red. It's unclear what this thing is or even where it is in relation to our characters.
Suzie and Goodman begin to discuss their job using various "as you know--"s.
Bruce makes poop jokes.
Quote from: chainsaw midget on February 15, 2024, 11:41:56 PM
We see Suzie and Good driving in a car as the credits are overlayed and a bad country western song plays informing us that a man with whiskey is a man without a care and a man without care can be a hero.
They're driving, and driving, and driving, and driving, and just when you think they aren't ever going to stop driving, Goodman slams on the breaks. He explains to a startled Suzie that he thought he saw something, but there's nothing there now.
Bruce Reeee calls him multiple ethnic slurs.
We see the close up of something's eyes. They're red. It's unclear what this thing is or even where it is in relation to our characters.
Suzie and Goodman begin to discuss their job using various "as you know--"s.
Bruce makes poop jokes.
😁😁
Dr Macdigless uses the digger: " Why didn't they call Alan Grant instead? He is like me, he is a digger." [sneezes snot tsunami]
Bruce Reeee: [screams expletives as he is covered in snot]
*a walking plant farts, licks the snot tsunami and turns into an icicle. *
The scene cuts to the villain's tropical island volcano lair...
Wu Sun Cheng is in somebody's living room with a file cabinet placed in it his office talking on the phone doing shady business man stuff.
We then see him walk out of his office, past his secretary who's only wearing underwear, and goes into a lab. In the lab scientists are doing the kind of science that involves colored liquids in beakers with smoke coming out of them and machine that look like water heaters with electronics super glued to them. Wu Sun Cheng is mad that they aren't making progress and claims he'll have to resort to more drastic measures. He kicks a puppy as he walks out of the room.
We then see him on the phone. Cut to Wang, who is eating pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
Wang picks up the phone and listens to Wu Sun Cheng rant for a few moments, and then rasps out:
"But masster, thesse thingss take time!!! Your plan will work, and all nature will live in harmoneee-hee-heee!"
CUT
(Goodman and Suzie McNiceypants standing in front of their lovely field of corn, with fake CGI pyramids in the background. Faro Ali is listening as Goodman begins his monologue:)
"Ah, the sweet smell of corn in the morning! Did you ever see such a beautiful crop! I'm so glad my wife and I can come and teach you locals the art of raising the world's most perfect food crop! Not sure how you managed to feed yourselves before us Americans came over here to show you the way!"
Faro (rolls his eyes): "You realize, sire, that Egypt supplied the entire Roman world with grain fifteen hundred years before you folks even discovered America?"
Suzie: (laughing) "But honey, that was grain, this is CORN! It's the world's most perfect food. You can make corn bread, corn syrup, cream corn, corn on the cob, corn casserole, corn squeezin's -"
Goodman: "and corn-ography!"
Suzie: (squeals and slaps him on the arm) "Now, Goodie, don't you go bringin' up my film career!"
Goodman: "But honey, that's how we met!"
(Flash back to a scene of a scantily clad Suzie darting into a cornfield, flinging undergarments behind her, as Goodman, dressed in a football uniform, runs into the field after her.)
Faro: "While you two are strolling down memory lane, I am going to check the irrigation ditches!" (He departs with a roll of his eyes)
Suzie: "Goodie honey?"
Goodman: "Yes dear?"
(She darts into the tall corn, and moments later her blouse comes sailing over the stalks and flutters to the ground.)
Suzie: "Deja vu!!"
(Goodman throws off his own shirt and runs into the corn. Cut to Suzie, jogging through the corn in her bra and jeans. She pauses for a moment.)
Suzie: "Can't you find me? Come on, I'm not even running that fast.
(The corn rustles off to her right.)
Suzie: "There you are, Goodie my man!" (she turns towards the sound with a smile.)
(A huge CGI hippo comes charging out of the corn, mouth agape, huge fangs dripping with drool)
Hippo: "GLOMP!!!"
(Camera pans up and out of the cornfield as Suzie's scream is cut short.)
Goodman: "Hey, babe, don't start without me!"
CUT
(Can you guys pretty please with stevia on top write in an overweight hairless German man wearing a diaper and doing sheep calls? Really, little else adds gravitas to a movie like an overweight hairless German man wearing a diaper while doing sheep calls. It's what the Star Wars sequels lacked.)
There's nothing stopping you from adding it, is there?)
Who Flung Dung is busy processing food along with the other received projects when Dame Joan Collins walks by in a negligee and high heels.
Bruce Reeee screams and bumps into a wall, Dung topples into one of the sewage tanks.
Quote from: chainsaw midget on February 16, 2024, 11:21:11 PM
There's nothing stopping you from adding it, is there?)
Just my famous sense of modesty and tact.
(As Who Flung Dung climbs out of the tank, covered with colon-scented chocolate syrup doodoo sauce, he sees an overweight German man wearing a diaper and carrying a shepherd's crook, strolling down the road at the edge of a cornfield. The man is issuing long, plaintive "Baaaa!!" sounds, and a herd of sheep frisks in his wake. Suddenly, there is a rustling in the corn. Cut to stock footage of a hippo angrily attacking a gazelle, except the gazelle has been badly covered with CGI wool.)
German Shepherd: "Dolly! Nein, nein, der fiend hast gotten Dolly!"
(A second CGI hippo pops out of the corn, and the German shepherd is cruelly devoured - at least, there's footage of a hippo chewing on a "Ken" doll wearing a diaper, and then a close up of a half gallon of fake blood hitting the ground.)
From the other side of the cornfield, you hear Goodman's voice crying:
"Suzie!?!? Where are you, girl?"
We spend the next ten minutes with Goodman being sad and depressed and the local color talking about boring science things. This is the part where Dr. Happy shows up. There's a "humorous" bit where Goodman looses his cowboy hat and replaces it with various "funny" head gear.
There's a shot of Wang getting out of a helicopter.
Two women are taking a short together when suddenly a hippo breaks through the wall and eats one of them.
These scenes do not seem to be connected and day and night randomly change.
(Marvin Snodgrass arrives in a jeep driven by a weatherbeaten Egyptian who is inexplicably wearing a large sombrero.
He sees Goodman, standing there looking inconsolable as he stares at the cornfield. The pyramids are still in the background, obviously CGI generated, but they have changed positions.)
Goodman: "Oh, Suzie, why did you have to leave me? What happened to you? And why were their huge round footprints all around your bloodstained underwear?"
Snodgrass: "Excuse me, sir, but I'm Marvin Snodgrass with the HOUND News network. Is it true that your cornfield has been invaded by carnivorous hippos?"
Goodman: "Hippos? Hippos aren't carnivorous! That's ridiculous. But wait - those footprints! Suzie's bloody clothes! Oh my Jayhawks, my cornfield has been invaded by giant carnivorous hippos!!"
Snodgrass: "Wait, who is this Suzie?"
Goodman: (sobbing) "My wife! My hot little corn nugget! The hippos got her and now I'll never see her again, except as chopped up bits of hippo poop!"
Snodgrass: "Sir, may I interview you?"
Goodman: "No, go away! Oh, my poor little Suzie!"
Snodgrass: (Turns to camera) "There you have it, folks, the cornfields of Egypt have been invaded by giant, carnivorous hippos! Stay tuned as we try to get some footage of these monstrous beasts! Now, stay tuned for the Han Shannidy show!"
Long, long scene of Snoggrass walking in a forest. The oh-so-common Nile deciduous forests just outside of Egypt beside the Sahara. He turns to the camera.
Snograss: Shhhh! I'm hunting for Hippos.
Suddenly, a full-size paper-mache hippo breaks through the underbrush. Snograss dodges it, but it eats the camera & cameraman. Cut to a shot of the hippo puppet with red-tinted corn syrup dripping from its maw. It burps, & camera parts are thrown from its mouth. You can see the puppeteer's hand in this shot.
Snodgarss runs and the traveling camera effect borrowed from Sam Raimi chases him. The scene cuts away before we can learn if he lives or not.
Cut to McNiceypants who is drowning his sorrows in little fruity drinks with umbrellas in them. He's talking with Ali HoTep. Ali is talking about how strange the hippos have been acting. McNiceypants is curious and wonders if he can find out more. Ali says he knows somebody that might be an expert.
Cut to Sarah Goodchest. She's wearing an old fashioned explorers helmet (pith helmet) and a top and pair of shorts that would make Lara Croft blush. She's taking science samples of the water.
As Sarah concentrates on her task, she fails to notice the ripple in the water approaching her. Dramatic music plays as it gets closer and closer until two things happen with shocking speed. First a crocodile lunges from the water at her, but the predator had failed to notice it was on someone elses dinner menu as an even faster hippo bursts out of the water splashing it everywhere and sinking its teeth into the reptiles underside, tearing at its neck and sending a spray of blood out mixing with the water. Sarah is too taken aback at the speed of the whole thing to react or even scream as with its eyes staring at her, the hippo sinks beneath the water dragging its prey down with it, until both have disappeared under the surface.
In moments it is deathly quiet as if nothing had happened.
After a few more stunned seconds, Sarah Goodchest regains her senses and flees screaming back to the camp.
Any bad movie needs an endless bar scene with a mediocre local band. Ergo:
(The scene: a local bar. On stage is a local band, represented by anyone we have under contract with our record division. They get up & sing a song.)
(Insert Song 1)
(Insert Song 2)
(Insert Song 3)
(The crowd goes wild; they obviously love the songs, which will hopefully convince the teens seeing this to go buy our records. The band leader gets up.)
Band Leader: Thank you! Thank you! You've been a wonderful crowd! Now, for our latest number! We know you all have heard a lot about the rampaging hippos, & we've written a song to celebrate the event! Hit it!
(Insert title Song: Rogue Rampaging Hippos)
(The crowd goes wild for the song, dancing & singing along. They give the band a standing ovation, & ask for an oncor. The band obliges. As the band begins to sing again, cut to Snograss, at the bar.)
Goodman: Oh! My Suzie! Why? Why? WHY‽
Barkeep: Here, have another drink; I'll put it on your tab.
Goodman: No; no more. This demands action, not more alcohol!
Barkeep: You ordered sarsaparilla...
Goodman: ...You mean sarsaparilla doesn't have any alcohol?
Barkeep: ...No. It's like rootbeer. Well, technically, there might be a small amount of alcohol in it, because it was fermented to create carbonation, but there wouldn't actually be enough to actually do anything to anyone.
Goodman: Oh... Ok. Pour another.
(Meanwhile, on the other end of the bar, a large man in lederhosen is enjoying both his drink & the singing too much.)
Lederhosen Man: Oh! Zis iz good! I must yodel!
(Lederhosen Man gets up, stumbles onto stage, & starts to yodel.)
Bandleader: Hey! Hey! We're trying to sing here!
Barkeep: Get him off stage!
Lederhosen Man: No! No! I must yodel!
(The band wrestles with the man, trying to get him off stage.)
Goodman: ...Can I have what he's having?
(Suddenly, we hear a rumble. The giant hippos break through the bar wall!)
*Dramatic trailer-worthy catch phrase From Goodman*
"YOU DARN HIPPOS! I AM SICK OF YOUR SHENANIGANS!"
Goodman actually manages to kill one Hippo by stabbing it through the eyes with what appears to be a large metal pole that was in the bar for some reason.
Brief action scene as several hippos trash the bar and eat a few extras.
Suddenly Wang pulls up in a jeep and with a tone that would make Snidley Whiplash appear trustworthy, tells Goodman "Get in, my friend."
He does. As they drive off, the drunk man takes off his shirt & begins to do sheep calls. (Cause ER asked nicely.)
They leave before we hear too much of that; we don't want to frighten the audience from the theaters.
Thanks for picking this back up, guys! I'll add something on later.
For the next three minutes we watch a mediocre band and a very bad blonde singer. They perform an entire song in a setting that doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the movie.
Just when we think this isn't going to have anything to do with anything, we see a hippo (looking badly done even for this movie) break in and eat the band. The blonde makes a quip about rough gigs.
This character is never seen again in the movie.
(Goodman & Wang drive & drive & drive through the desert, while futuristic synth music plays. A narrator adds to the tension, when we can hear him over the synth music.)
Narrator: Where is Wang taking Goodman? Is he going to explain to him from where the monsters have come? Will Wang explain about the Hippos? Will Wang explain to Goodman, who does not know the plan, about the plan?
As they cross over the sands, the shifting desert sands, the sands that have blown to the Sahara over thousands of, millions of years, is Wang saying anything? He must be; he must be filling Goodman's head about Hippos, & plans, & plans for Hippos. As they drive hours & hours over the shifting ancient sands Wang explains; he explains all; he explains everything!
But how will Goodman react? Will he forgive? Will he take Wang to task for his part in the plan & the hippos? Of course he will! But, will they be able to continue, or will Goodman's reaction end their journey, their endless trek over endless sands, sands that have been here for a millennia or more?
He must! For they must continue! They must continue till they reach their destination, over the sands, sands, sands, the sands worshiped by the Pharoses, crossed by the Israelites, fought for by the Ottomans, Romans, & Alexander the Great! There's but one question left: Where? Where is Wang taking Goodman? And what plans do they have when they get there?
Finally, after several hours of driving and earnest discussions, they reach their destination: the only MacDonald's in the Black Desert!
Goodman orders two double quarter pounders with cheese and fries as they plot their next move . . . for another 20 minutes.
Bruce Reeee screams as he wasn't given any Macdonalds 😳🐸
Suddenly, a Hippo bursts through the McDonalds wall!
Goodman singlehandedly lifts a plastic Ronald McDonald Prop and throws it into the hippo's mouth as it prepares to devour a small child coming down the slide; as the hippo chomps on the doll (it is clearly a hippo sock puppet and a Happy Meal toy Ronald), he grabs a deep fryer full of grease and dumps it on the hippo's head. There is an ungodly screech as the burned hippo turns tail and bursts through the wall on the opposite side. Goodman waves his hat over his head and shrieks in triumph: "You want fries with that, you Sausage McMuffin with legs???"
Wang is on the phone with somebody. It's an old fashioned 80s cell phone. The audience only hears his side of the conversation, but it sounds like he's plotting something bad.
Then a ghost appears! It starts to dance, confusing Wang. The ghost then disappears. This is never mentioned again.
Who Flung Dung has just touched down in his helicopter (a cheap plastic model.) He has a discussion with with Faro Ali and Wu Sun Cheng where he reveals that he's "So close. He just needs more time!" They all agree with time is absolutely of the essence, so then they go flirt with Sarah Goodchest at the local cantina.
Bruce Reeee shows up and after several ethnic slurs, implies their mothers do perverted things with diseased dogs.
At this point, Who Flung, Faro Ali, and Wu Sun Cheng all take on Bruce Reeee in a slow-motion kung fu fight set to "I Had the Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing as all the bar patrons sing along. Inexplicably, the song is played in the wrong key.
Cut back to Goodman who is now riding a hippo like a bucking bronco, compete with cowboy hat.
The hippo charges towards the Nile river, still bellowing in pain, with Goodman on its back. Other hippos come charging to the aid of their comrade, and with one might bucking lunge, Goodman is propelled through the air head over heels (the tumbling form is clearly that of a GI Joe doll), and lands on top of the Sphinx's head, with a surging herd of hippos trying to climb the ancient monument and get at him. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a rocket launcher . . . .
We see an obvious toy Hippo explode.
Cut to a scene in a bar, where Sara Goodchest and Wang and bandaging up Goodman.
"And then you pulled out a bazooka?" Faro Ali questions him in disbelief.
Goodman insists that that's exactly what happened. Wang tries to play it off, saying that he must have hit his head a few times.
Goodman says he's perfectly in his right mind and thinking clearly. He then downs an entire bottle of Scotch.
Bubba Ho-Tep says that if what he's heard is true then they don't have much time left. He then jumps on a motorcycle and leaves to go gather an irrational angry mob.
Cue stock footage montage of angry mobs, followed by stock footage of angry hippos, followed by stock footage of cities during war times, colorized.
Quote from: pacman000 on September 09, 2024, 02:51:35 PMCue stock footage montage of angry mobs, followed by stock footage of angry hippos, followed by stock footage of cities during war times, colorized.
The colorization makes both Bruce Reeee and Trevor a bit 😳😳😉
Most likely it's just tinting & toning. I'm cheap, & won't pay for complex frame-by-frame painting. :)
This was inspired by some '60's films which tried to keep using WWII stock footage.
Quote from: pacman000 on September 10, 2024, 08:19:21 AMMost likely it's just tinting & toning. I'm cheap, & won't pay for complex frame-by-frame painting. :)
This was inspired by some '60's films which tried to keep using WWII stock footage.
😊😊😎😎😉