Ohhhh....here there be cheese!
Stars?: Christopher Lambert, Klaus Mariah Brandauer, Max Von Sydow, Ines Sastre.
Plot?: King Vercingorix (Lambert) Vs. J. Caeser (Brandauer), for control of Ancient Gaul. Its a grudge match, natch. Romans Vs. Gauls in a fight to the cinematic death. Much bad acting ensues.
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STUFF TO WATCH FOR!! ::::::
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....where there Druids on Deep Space 9?
....Behold! The Exposion Druid!
....Gergovia: Bet it's a doomed city. Its too peacefull and happy to not be.
....Klingons! Oh, Gauls....the hairy suits and even hairy warriors threw me...
....This kid is so Anakin right now.
....Roast Dad.
....What? "No distincive marks. Get rid of it." So, Druids were communist. No wonder they went extinct.
...."Your not ready. Not yet." Thanks, Obi Wan Druid.
....The Spooky Chick, Amazon princess! Tom Servo would be droolin' over this font of platitudes, about now...
...."Now. Kick me in the ass." Sweet, too bad we can't do that to the whole freakin' movie!
....Well, Dad's avenged. Hey, Eviloverlord, he TOLD ya he was gonna kill ya. Diden't you read the handbook for evil overlords? Putz!
....Caesar Lisps, is fay, and so, Klaus M. Brandaur phones in...heck, sends his part in by carrier pidgon! Can you say "House paymant?"
....Drunken reveling. No suprise there. A bunch of teetotaling barbarians, now THAT would be original!
...."What are you going to do?"- "Whatever i can,when ever i can." The look of "Da heck??" on everyone elses face at that line is priceless!
....The hero's main squeeze is a ho. So?
....Aaahhhh! John Belushi ! OH...well, he looks like him. "Samuri Gaul!".
....Here, let me give you a hand! Hah, that wacky Gaul humor...
....Ewww. Bet Creepy girl tastes like persimions...
....Gratuitious breast shot! Followed by a guard kicked in the gnades! And Ken Begg's rule of High Places! Ah, its all here, gang!
....Chris Lambert, the mopey warlord.
....They're throwing chickens at the attacking Romans! ...i'm waiting for the cow to come next....
....A whole wall full of Gratuitious Breast shots! Eww, granma, leave it to the professionals!...
....Horney soldiers are stupid soldiers.
....Gratuitous breast shots all around!
....I'm sorry, but these Gauls look as battleworthy as my high school shop class...
....Oh, come on, that Roman head should have flown at least 6 feet! Sharpen that blade, you amature!
....Druid dandruff? Oh...ashes. Are those torches up to code?
...."For DA freedom of all", Nice line read, Lambert. What next, "Yonder lies da castle of my Fodduh?"
....No, no, no native dancing. Not allowed!
....Ambushed by red haired German mercenary Circus clowns!
....What this Gaul war council needs, is testosterone.
....Woah! Pick a camera angle, and stick with it! If Mel Brooks were shooting this scene, the legions would end up running into each other. Not that Mel could nessarily make it more funny...
....Caeser matching platitude with a master.
....Primitive lottery balls.
....Drunken warriors are not good warriors.
....Enough with the tilted camera angles! This ain't an ephisode of MST3K....YET!
....Man, those are some pasty assed "Gauls"
....Caeser's lookin smug right about now...
....The cavalry is Juuuuust a bit late.
....Early German Panzers needed Oatbags, and saddles.
....And Creepy Girl takes one for the gipper. Tom Servo weeps.
....And the Druids had what signifigance in this film?
....Roast Creepy Girl. Crow T, Robot calls the suicide hotline for Tom.
....Bet the flies are realy abuzz right now.
....What? He lost? Diden't Lambet learn any thing from "Highlander?" Oh well...
....And , Finaly (Yea).....So, as the Gauls later became the French, this movie is their "Braveheart"....Explains everything! And, what is it with that end credits song?Oh, better performed then "The words get stuck in my throat", i'll grant ya, but...
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Flangepart says: Check it out! ---- Oh, man, does this cry out fot a Best Brains treatment! Yee hee hee!.....Lambert and Brandaur are a cheesy joy to behold, and the attempted profundites fly thicker and faster then body parts at a Chainsaw Massacre. --------------- The whole production proves you Can have big budget B-movie. Its all in the script and the acting.....and boy, does this one come across with the goods.--------- To paraphrase Joe Bobb Briggs,"We got sword Fu, Breast Fu, spear Fu, Philosophy 101 word Fu, Gnadd Fu, and acting from the school of "The car payment was due, so i had to show up for work" ---------------------
----------------------- Back to you, Andrew! ----------------------------------------------------------------
Well as a frenchman, I will deal with you:
Never talk about Druids anymore to anyone ( Vercingetorix in french) and my government will let you bomb Irak... ;)
Oh, and of course YOU KEEP LAMBERT IN AMERICA !! PLEASE WE DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE !!!
I ran across this at Best Buy, think about a year ago. Found it on the DVD racks and let out a little yelp, thus summoning my friend Todd over (he and his wife were visiting). He read the box and then looked me right in the eyes and said, "No." That was the whole conversation.
One of these days I'm going to have to pick this up.