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Jason Goes To s**t!

The Problems, Perspectives, Plot-holes, Blunders and
 All Around Terrible Things that are noticeable in the
“Friday The 13th” film series thanks to The Final Friday

By Expert and Fan
  Kevin Logan

(This Commentary is a revision based on the original handwritten notes compiled back in 1994 reviewing the atrocity that is Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, With a new addendum since the release of Jason X)

*And yes...It is copyrighted...It will appear in published form in the upcoming book AT THE MATINEES OF MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!

   Everyone who loves horror movies knows the name Jason Voorhees. If you don’t remember which one he is, he’s the hockey masked deformed killer who stalks and slaughters camp counselors, campers, and just about anyone else that gets in his way in the Friday the 13th film series. Why does he do this? Because he drowned in Crystal Lake when he was fifteen. His mother decided to take revenge on a new group of totally innocent counselors, and got beheaded by the last survivor of the film. Basically what happened after that has been one of the most interesting phenomena’s in horror film history.
This simple, low-budget horror film shot in New Jersey spawned eight sequels and started a franchise soooo ludicrous that it is the only one to even begin to rival the infamous Godzilla series of films. The plot continued in each film as usual. A bunch of counselors or just plain kids go to Crystal Lake and are harassed by the crazed killer in a series of fake scares until they’re totally destroyed by the amazing indestructible mamma’s boy. That’s it in a nutshell people. This s**t continued on for seven more films until ultimately ending it with Part 9 Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, and thank God! If this is all they could come up with now, then good riddance Jason! You’ve cashed your chips!
   I know I’m making this sound like a good thing, but really, it’s not. Harkening back to the classic Godzilla films of the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s, this series of movies is just good old escapist entertainment meant to take you away from real life every day problems and give you a whole set of fake problems that you only hafta endure for 90 minutes. And what can ya say, we like watching Jason do what he does best; hack and slash! I can’t explain it! There’s just something about watching a guy strut through the woods and kill those people you know deserve to die because of their unbelievable stupidity that’s appealing.
We’ve all seen enough horror movies by now to know the rules. If you hear a noise outside, and you’re staying at a camp that’s infamous for people being slaughtered by masked killers, you don’t go outside and ask who’s there. You don’t try to use the phone because you know it’s disconnected. You get to the middle of the cabin; away from all the windows; and hold your ground, keeping all available entrances with in your eyesight. We all know stupid people too. It’s nice to see them get what they deserve by breaking all these life lessons. And of course, let us not forget Jason himself. We feel a special kinda kinship to him. Before his famous death, he was the underdog; deformed, retarded, and just plain weak. But now he’s an unstoppable killing machine with a vengeance and absolutely no mercy. YEAH! So what’s wrong with that? What’s the damned problem? I’ll tell ya...Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday...That’s what!
   When I first saw the trailer for Final, I was thrilled. I called my friends (who at the time were rabid Jason fans like myself) and told them the sad news...Our ol’ boy Jason was about to bite it big time, being sent to the ultimate slammer. We all knew it had to happen someday, we just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. But from the clips in the trailer, and the sheer intensity of the snippets we got to see, we were sure that this was gonna be a classic battle royal, and Jason is not one to go down easy...No Sir! Everything was looking so good. And then all Hell broke loose!
   Me, and my friends Wes Rowden, and Chris Lambeth made the pilgrimage to the movie theater to witness the demise of one of our most beloved saints of slaughter (The others being Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, and of course Pinhead), paid our money, and went inside.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday summary

The film starts off with your basic female camper driving to a cabin on the Camp Crystal Lake property. She goes in and discovers the light doesn’t work because the bulb is melted. She goes out to the shed to get another one where we receive our first fake scare (You know what it is). She goes back inside, fixes the bulb, and then proceeds to go upstairs to (Guess What?) take a bath. She starts running the bath water, and then all the sudden (BA BA BA BOOM!) the lights go out and then she gets suspicious. She wraps a towel around herself and then goes out to the upper level platform where Jason is waiting; machete and all. He swings at her, but she falls from the top level to the bottom and then proceeds to run outside and to a clearing in the woods; where Jason is already waiting to do another hack job. But there’s a surprise awaiting him there. An F.B.I. swat team (a small army) come out of the woodwork and blow Jason to pieces! It was a trap using the camper (actually an agent herself) as bait. Jason is dead...Right? Just ask Creighton Duke; the black cowboy hiding in the bushes. He says “I don’t think so.” And thus our movie begins. Jason’s remains are taken to a morgue where during the examination, the M.E. suddenly becomes “Hypnotized” by the still beating heart of Jason. I guess the evil essence that is Jason has some kind of influence on people’s appetites, because the blasted doctor suddenly grabs the heart and starts chowing down. Bright orange sparks shoot from Jason’s remains on the slab and enter into the obviously disturbed M.E. And now, he’s...Jason. He kills the second M.E.; that typical weakling that likes to talk s**t about the presumably dead killer in every slasher movie; and leaves; not before revealing Jason’s reflection in the mirror. “Jason” makes his way back to Crystal Lake where there’s all sorts of melodramatic bulls**t going on with a waitress named Diana, Creighton Duke, the Sheriff, and some guy named Steven (John D. Lemay from Friday The 13th The Series). Apparently Steven had a kid with the Waitress’s daughter, Jessica, and can’t get over their breakup. Meanwhile, Jessica is planning on marrying this John Walsh wannabe who hosts a crappy exploitation show called “American Casefile” whose also doing a story on Jason. Jessica brings the baby along, and thus the madness ensues. “Jason” sucks face with one of the deputies (after shaving him, of course) emptying the nasty heartworm into him, and now the deputy is...Jason. “Jason” goes to the Diana’s house and kills her. The only witness is Steven, who of course gets the blame. He’s taken to jail where he meets Creighton Duke who informs him that Diana was Jason’s (get ready for this) sister, which means that Jessica is his niece, and the baby etc., etc. Two broken fingers later it is revealed that through a Voorhees he was born, only through a Voorhees can he be reborn, and only by the hand of a Voorhees can he ultimately die. Steven escapes from jail and makes his way to Jessica in hopes of saving her and his child. Meanwhile John Washout has stolen Jessica’s mom’s corpse and relocated it to the Voorhees home where he’s planning on doing a big expose of the life and times of Jason. Then deputy “Jason” shows up and transports into the showman while the deputy’s body melts away into a puddle of goo. Thus begins a madcap chase that turns into a bloody shootout at a local diner. Jessica, Steven, and Creighton make their way to the Voorhees home to prepare for the final confrontation with...“Jason”. Upon getting there, Creighton hands over a small knife to Jessica; which instantly becomes some kinda magical dagger that looks like it was made to slay mini dragons. “Jason” shows up in the guise of another deputy named Randy. Randy is half beheaded by Steven and thus releasing the evil demon creature that I suppose is Jason’s heart, modified. “Jason” makes his way to the basement where he enters into his sister’s corpse, placed there by Jessica’s unfortunate boyfriend, and now Jason is reborn; completely grown, deceased and resurrected, with his mask, clothes, and shoes that he left on the slab back in Whocaresville. Creighton gets killed, and Jessica tries to retrieve the dagger before Jason decimates Steven. She stabs the magical dagger into Jason’s heart part way, and then in true Buffy fashion kicks it the rest of the way in. Suddenly, light from heaven appears, and dozens of demonic hands come from the ground and pull Jason down into the pits of Hell. Jessica and Steven and the baby walk of into the sunrise and Freddy’s hand comes up from Hell to retrieve Jason’s trademark hockey mask. End of story.    


This movie f**king sucked! I thought we were going to see a Jason movie. We didn’t. All we saw was The Hidden, Evil Dead, Halloween 4,and 5, and even Jaws get ripped off and shoved up our collective asses. This film was a goddamned travesty. How dare they! When I heard that Sean Cunningham was involved with this final installment, I was thrilled. I believed in my heart that this was a sign of good things to come. WHAT HAPPENED!
I thought that Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare was a bad ending to a great series, but I was wrong. Jason truly did go to Hell, and what’s worse is that we all contributed to it just by buying the tickets. We were framed!
Now, I have seen some bad movies in my life. In fact, me and my best friend Lance Reese have made it somewhat of a quest to find the worst movie in existence, and in all that time, we never expected a Friday The 13th movie to even come close to making it in the running next to the most rancid Troma movies. Now, its common knowledge that Friday sequels are pretty bad as far as cinema goes. Let’s face it! They’re not art in any way; but they’re fun. They have that certain appeal for gorehounds, as well as fans of traditional slasher pix. This movie was not fun in anyway. I understand that there’s not a lot of new s**t that can be put into these films, but that’s no excuse to rape the entire horror genre into some kinda mean practical joke. I mean, Jesus, they even had KNB doing the effects for Godsakes! Those guys are pros, and the filmmakers of this tripe insulted their craft as well as our intelligence.
The cast...terrible! Have any of them ever seen a Friday The 13th film in their life? I know the director Adam Marcus claims to have, but you wouldn’t know it after watching this!
Now, I understand the original situation. Paramount saw that the series was going down hill. They wanted nothing more to do with Jason’s antics. They musta felt that it was all getting old by Part 8 (Please try to control your laughter). So New Line Cinema came in to save the day, and our beloved Jason from disappearing forever, or going to that little place in limbo called “Direct To Video”. But the problem with this movie is that there is no redeeming quality to it. It did not feel like we were watching a Jason movie. I don’t know what the hell we were watching. There were too many references to other movies in it to even categorize it. Is it a satire? Is it a Sequel? Is it a spoof? What the f**k is it! Because I know it wasn’t Friday The 13th!
I told my best friend, and fellow Schlocker the travesty that had befallen our hero, and he just laughed and said, “They wouldn’t do that!” I tried to take him to go see this filth, but it had already left the movie theaters by the time he could go (A whole week!). So, I waited till it came on video (Where it shoulda gone in the first place). We rented it, and stayed up all night watching it scene for scene and pausing to discuss the matter. Lance was furious! This is the only time I’ve ever seen him get that upset over a movie. We watched it a second time to jot down notes and observations we had made. Later on in the week, we got out our collection of Friday films and started documenting all the problems that we could see as far as plot, continuity, and Jason’s whole damned history. I put together the notes and began to write up an essay that would state my grief and hopefully (if it gets into the right hands) put together a worthy case for future horror filmmakers to understand. What you are reading now is the final version of that essay.
                  
AUTHOR’S NOTE:

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE, THEN YOU MIGHT BE CONFUSED BY SOME OF THE POINTS MADE HERE. IT WOULD BE WISE (or Foolish) TO SEE THIS PICTURE AS WELL AS THE OTHER Friday FILMS BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER!

   I have compiled all of mine and Lance’s Data into 8 sections which will pretty much cover all situations in this film that we find appalling.


MAJOR PROBLEMS AND OBSERVATIONS   

1. SORRY JACK, JASON’S BACK!

THE PROBLEM:
   At the end of Part 8; Jason Takes Manhattan; we watch Jason get dissolved away by a flood of radioactive waste (YEAH?)that goes through the Big Apple’s sewer systems every night at midnight (This whole scene has it’s own problems which will be dealt with later). But at the beginning of Jason Goes To Hell, Jason is already back at Camp Crystal Lake doing the deed. Soooo...somewhere between Part 8 and Hell, Jason reformed and made his way back to Crystal Lake.

OBSERVATIONS:
   Jason coming back...again...is no surprise. The only thing that doesn’t feel right is that every other time we’ve seen Jason return, we catch up with him where we left him last. Even at the end of the first film, after hearing the story from Pamela Voorhees about Crystal Lake’s dark history, we have Jason jumping out of the lake and grabbing Alice. He came out of the lake where we last heard that he drowned. Now, I know this doesn’t make any logical sense, but as far as horror movies go, this is simple
Arithmetic; “plus” and “take-away”. This has been the form of the Friday movies since Part 2 (With the exception of the Part 5 situation). We’re used to it. So this new kind of beginning in The Final Friday took us off guard immediately.
   There’s not too much of a problem here. It should be assumed by now that no matter what happens to Jason at the end of the last film, he’s always gonna come back. That’s obvious! And I hafta take my hat off at storyline experimentation. I am not against a fresh approach to these types of movies. And actually, it was fun to just get right to the action and just assume that he found a way to come back. I like the idea of sacrificing the exposition of explanation (sometimes) in order to get to the meat of a movie. The problem here is that THERE IS NO MEAT TO THIS PIECE OF s**t! Story? MISSING! All we have is re-hashings of other genre pix. WHERE’S THE f**kING FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIE AT! NOWHERE! NOWHERE! IT’S GONE...LIKE THE DINOSAURS!
   
OTHER CONNECTIONS IN THE SERIES?
I think this is a good time to address the Part 5 problem, since it has something in common with this trash; NIETHER ONE OF THEM HAS THE RIGHT TO CALL THEMSELVES A JASON MOVIE!
   In Part 5: A New Beginning, it’s not Jason doing the killing. It’s an ambulance Orderly whose chocolate eating, fatass, and mentally disturbed son was killed by one of the patients at a Looney Bin for young people. The only thing that keeps this movie in the Friday universe is that Tommy Jarvis (the boy who “Killed” Jason) is back (whacked outta his f**king head because of what Jason did to his Mom and Dog), and the Orderly dresses up like Jason when he takes his revenge ...Oh Yeah, and it takes place at Crystal Lake. Other than these things, the film really has nothing else to do with the rest of the series. We don’t get anything out of it, and like Halloween 3, it just kinda fades away into darkness, and not discussed. What does this hafta do with The Final Friday? I’ll tell ya!
   Part 5 tried a new formula, and it failed. The fans went into the movie confused, and then came out asking “Why?” This should never happen when you got a series of films with such a simple, tasteless premise. The producers tried to sike us out, but we were on to them immediately. We, the true fans, could tell by the absence of head wounds, and the different hockey mask that this bastard wasn’t Jason; and from the very long close-up on the sick Orderly loading up Fatass, we kinda got the idea of who the killer was. The only mystery in the whole film was, “Why did we hafta to endure this?”, and by the end we were asking ourselves, “Why do we care?” Part 5 is the least popular one in the Paramount series, simply because of the absence of Jason. The less time we get to see Jason, the less interested we are in...everything else. I think there are a lot of lessons that can be learned by Part 5.
   You’re probably asking “But, since Jason wasn’t in it, what does this hafta do with Jason coming back?” because, I’m pretty sure that other fans out there who read this; or those people who actually like Jason Goes To Hell will throw this in my face. So...Let me continue.
   The producers of Part 6 did a very good job at resurrecting the Jason franchise. The film was quick, fun, and bloody. We had someone who we knew from previous installments (Tommy Jarvis) back to keep us informed of the back story, and we had some pretty good performances. The movie didn’t take itself too seriously, but it still felt like we were watching a Friday The 13th movie. There’s just one thing. At the beginning of the picture, we see Jason’s grave. During a scene in the police station in Part 5, we hear a City Official announce to everyone that they’re crazy if they believe that it’s Jason Voorhees whose responsible for the new killings...because Jason Voorhees was CREMATED; BURNED TO ASHES! So why’s he in a grave? How is he in a grave? Excluding all conspiracy theories, I think the situation goes like this. Paramount knew they made a mistake with Part 5, just ignored it and moved on. And why shouldn’t they? We have. Part 6: Jason Lives brought back our hero and gave him a four star buffet of one star victims. It was grand.
   My point to all this is, Part 5 is easily forgettable, and thanks to Part 6, it is also forgivable now. Jason Goes To Hell on the other hand, cannot and will not get off that easy. It has Jason in the title, so we hafta deal with it!
   
SUMMARY
The producers of The Final Friday should take all this into account. If experimentation into a new formula is going to occur, then make sure there is a story that is worthy of the revision. Jason Goes To Hell has done none of this. And since it has the title Final Friday in it, it can’t just be ignored. It’s sad to say that the best part of this Friday film is only the first five minutes. Shameful!


2. JASON’S HEART CONDITION!

THE PROBLEM:
   In the beginning sequence of Jason Goes To Hell, Jason is blown to pieces and his oversized, black heart is still pumping. Later on at the Medical examiner’s office, during the examination, the M.E. gets a demonic appetite after being (the best way to describe it) “Hypnotized” by the heart; eats it, and now he’s been taken over by Jason. Jason can possess people now! Since when has this been one of Jason’s powers?
   As the movie progresses (and I use that word lightly) we realize that the heart is actually some kind of demonic worm. And...later on...we realized that it’s actually a mini-demonoid of some kind...probably meant to be a fetal evil Jason. Whatever!...It doesn’t make sense! What the filmmakers are saying is that the power of Jason is in his heart, and the heart is some kind of monster.

OBSERVATIONS:
This is not just the heart of America’s favorite indestructible, deformed killer, this is also the heart of the madness that is Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.
The question here is, what’s really doing the possessing? Is it Jason’s parasitic heart...or is it Jason’s unholy demonic essence, or spirit? On one side of the coin, you have the heart that can “Hypnotize” people to eat it. Let’s see what we can come up with concerning that.
Me and Lance have talked long and hard about this one. The heart seems to have some kind of power over people who are looking at it for long periods of time. Or maybe it’s just when it’s being touched. Maybe it likes to be touched, but that really doesn’t have a bearing on how IN THE f**k SOMETHING THAT HAS NO EYES, MOUTH, EARS, OR EVEN BRAIN ...can “Hypnotize” or send any kind of mental projection at anyone and get away with it. I know what you’re saying! “Kevin!...It’s a horror movie!” I don’t care! You can ask a thousand horror fans, even those who love all the Phantasm movies, and they’ll say the same s**t to ya! “That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in a Friday The 13th movie, and I’ve seen them all!” So, how do we explain this one?
It seems that the film does address this issue by the time that Jason’s “sister” is killed. When deputy “Jason” is trying to give a kiss to sis, we see what has to be the heart, but now looks like a worm creature or some beastie that resembles a deranged tortoise head; or Aylmer from Hennenlotter’s schlocky sickfest Brain Damage. This has to be the heart, because that’s what the M.E. ate when he turned into Jason, and he kissed the deputy (after shaving him of course) to turn that poor f**k into Jason; what else could it be? But now it’s a worm, and by the time Randy became Jason, and Steven half be-heads him, we see the Heart-Worm-Beastie crawl out and scurry around the floor of the Voorhees home, except this time it doesn’t look like a heart, or a worm. It looks like a gremlin, or an iddy-biddy goblin, or something else small and gruesome...I prefer the term “Demonoid”. So, if it has the power to transform, then it must have the power to bend people’s will to do stupid things. I believe it! It bent my will to pay actual cold hard cash to walk into a theater and see this crap-happy s**te!
Later on it has eyes and ears...and even later it turns into Jason. Now you’d think that if this beastie has such immense power and authority over the basic laws of physics, then wouldn’t it be possible to just bend the will of the President to drop the bombs and just end the whole damn mess. Just imagine Jason with a nuclear warhead. His vengeance would be complete. And another thing! If it is so evil, why has it been spending so much time around Crystal Lake? Why not just take on all of America? Why not just destroy the world. If we go to the first films, we know why none of this has happened. Mr. Voorhees’s only vendetta is with the good people at Crystal Lake.
So...is Jason really just a parasitic life-form that can body jump? Though the movie doesn’t give us enough insight into this question, the above evidence seems to suggest that this is the case. Also, we got bounty hunter Creighton Duke saying that “The Boy knows how to dress.” If we take this at face value, then we can safely say that Jason is nothing more than a creature that decided to stay inside a mongoloid body and cause death and destruction, fueled by his host’s own personal rage for 8 movies prior. This is what we’re led to believe at first, but then there are those parts where we are given a slightly different interpretation of the evidence.
The poster for this film has an evil worm creature slithering out of a chrome hockey mask, surrounded by flames with the words “Evil Has Finally Found A Home” at the top. Cool poster! Kinda leaves it open as to what we’re in store for, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t believe it unless you’d seen it! This the first time that the concept of ‘Evil”; in the traditional sense; has been referenced to in a Friday film.
It is proposed to the audience that Jason himself is a personification of pure evil, so his essence, or spirit, will continue to thrive, even though there is no body to hold it anymore. My first question here is, since when did Jason become a personification of pure evil? Last time I heard anything, he was a mongoloid who drowned when he was fifteen, came back to avenge his mother’s murder, was eventually killed by Tommy Jarvis, was resurrected by two (count ‘em, two) lightning bolts, and became Zombie extraordinaire, only to be dissolved away back into a kid again (not that this made sense). Evil? He’s always been portrayed more as a freak of nature in all it’s glory. But in The Final Friday, Jason has some kinda evil essence to him that’s clearly metaphysical in nature.
After the M.E. eats the heart we see something like sparks, or some kind of energy shooting from Jason’s remains that re-enter into the M.E.’s body and cause him to scream violently, then he’s Jason. Anytime someone possessed by Jason walks by a mirror or something else reflective, we see a reflection of the hockey-masked Jason instead of the host. So thus, Jason is supernatural in nature. Right? When did this happen? The movie says, it’s always been like this, we just didn’t know. How stupid is that?
In this movie, when someone is possessed by Jason, if they get mortally wounded, the heart beast crawls out and then takes over someone else. Okay! Jason has been mortally wounded on several occasions. Why hasn’t this happened before? Because Jason’s heart is Jason? Maybe! That’s the other thing that’s being said. But does this make sense with everything else we know about Jason? Not really. So what is Jason really?

OTHER CONNECTIONS TO THE SERIES?
   As much as I would just like to tear this film apart like a rabid dog, I hafta be fair in my analysis. The fact is that there are hints to supernatural elements in the Jason mythology scattered throughout the film series.

PART 1: When Pamela Voorhees is chasing Alice near the end of the film, there is a scene (obviously a flip side of the Psycho trick) where she is talking in Jason’s voice telling herself to “Kill her, Mommy! She can’t hide! No place to hide! Get her, Mommy! Kill her! Kill her!” This could be taken as a quasi-possession of a kind. But the end of the film seems to suggest that Jason isn’t really dead because he jumps out of the lake and grabs the girl at the end. Maybe Jason’s heart in fact did possess his own mother to take out vengeance. Maybe she ate it in some kinda satanic ritual. If that is the case, then it must’ve crawled out of his mother’s neck stump after her beheading, swim to the bottom of the lake, go back into Jason’s corpse, resurrect him, and thus more movies. But this doesn’t make any sense to the rest of the story, which is a revenge tale. Jason clearly came back to avenge his mother’s death. This has been the premise, and it hasn’t changed for seven movies. So, no dice!

PART 2: Jason comes back, and kills Alice after the longest flashback in history (as if the first movie was made ten years prior). It’s obvious that Pamela believed Jason to be dead. And accordingly, Jason hasn’t done much throughout the time he’s been deceased. His mother has been responsible for the trouble that has occurred at Crystal Lake. So, he had to have resurrected at some point. Do ya think that a mamma’s boy like this would fake a drowning, live off in the woods by himself, and not go visit mommy sometimes. Or maybe he did through his occult powers? I don’t know. The point is that at the end of this film, we get to see Jason’s face. He has half a beard, and a full head of hair. Also, he looks to be in his early thirties. So, apparently, he aged about 17 years since the first film. The problem is that the second film’s opening sequence takes place a year after the first one. The rest of the film takes place fives years later than that. So Jason would’ve only aged to age twenty. What’s to account for this sudden growth and maturity of Jason? Who knows? Demonic forces? Jason’s purely evil essence? Maybe? Another observation is the altar in Jason’s shack looks occultic in nature. There he has placed his mother’s head and surrounded it with candles. Pretty fancy, Jason! But then again, this could just be the act of a mourning psychopath. I know I’d do it.

PART 3: Not much to say here. There’s only a few things I’d like to point out. First off, Jason seems to have gotten taller. Maybe he went back to the altar where his mother’s head is and did some kind of ritual to give himself more power. That would explain why he can take getting hung, and having an ax chopped into his skull, and still come back for Part 4. Also, Jason is now bald. At the beginning of the film, we see a news report on the television showing us clips from Part 2. Did Jason shave his head for the ritual? That would be an interesting twist, except for the fact that in Pamela’s flashback in Part 1 seems to indicate that Jason was bald even when he was fifteen. Maybe his deformity didn’t allow for him to have hair. Or maybe his mother’s occultic practices called for baldness on her son’s part. Another interesting turn of events happens at the end. When the last surviving female axes Jason in the face, she gets in a boat and goes out to the lake. The next morning, after having a very disturbing vision of a bloody-faced Jason coming back at her, she is suddenly grabbed by the corpse of a woman; that appears to be Jason’s mother; that rises out of the lake. All very confusing.

PART 4: The M.E.s in this movie take Jason’s body to the morgue, process him, and put him in a freezer. Now, my mother works at a medical examiner’s office, so I know my way around a morgue, and I picked up on a few procedures. First off, they don’t put toe-tags on ya, unless you are dead. And trust me, these days, they do check thoroughly. You know, lawsuits? Burying people alive doesn’t shine too well in today’s society. So, he has to be dead...unless the M.E.s are just plain stupid. But, then again, they do live close to Crystal Lake, so anything’s possible. But if they are not, and Jason checked out as clinically dead, then Jason had to have resurrected somehow. So he had resurrection powers very early on.

PART 5: Just the fact that this one was made screams demonic influence.

PART 6: You know the old phrase “Lightning never strikes twice in the same place”? Well it does for Jason’s sake! After Tommy digs up Jason’s grave in order to set him ablaze, he goes on a homicidal rage and starts stabbing at Jason’s flimsy, maggot-covered corpse with an iron pole. He sticks into the heart of the dead killer, and then proceeds to get the gasoline ready. Suddenly, lightning strikes the pole, twice, and then Jason awakens. When he comes out of his grave, he suddenly has the strength of twenty men as we see later on. As the movie goes on, we see Jason bend people in half, punch holes into people, and throw them hundreds of feet away at “lightning” speed. Simple electricity cannot do this to a person. It has to be supernatural in some way. If you don’t believe me, just ask Tommy. He has a very metaphysical way in which to dispose of Jason this time; by returning him to his original resting place, where he drowned in 1957.

PART 7:  This one; a personal favorite of mine; is full of supernatural hyjynx! We see everything from telekinesis to more resurrection of the dead. In this film, Jason has a new adversary. Her name is Tina, and she has psychic abilities. When she was younger, she accidentally killed her father by causing the dock by the Lake to collapse, thus sending him the way of Jason. Now she’s a teenager, and the insidious Dr. Cruse seeks to exploit her powers, and takes her and her mother back to the scene of the crime in hopes that she will perform for him under the guise of therapy. So sorry for what she did to her father, she attempts to bring him back, and accidentally breaks Jason’s chain; holding him where we last left him; and releasing him from the bottom of the lake. Jason is back, and nastier than ever. And now, every time Jason kills someone, she sees it happening in psychic visions. At the end; once Jason has survived several Carrieesque attacks by the frightened Tina; Tina uses her powers one last time to bring back her father; who rises pure Godzilla style; and wraps the chain around Jason’s neck, dragging him back to his watery grave.

PART 8: This is considered Jason’s worst misadventure. The Muppets did a better job of taking Manhattan. Anyway! The only supernatural elements in this film surround our new heroine Rennie. Rennie; at some point in the past; was out on the lake with her uncle. The bastard uncle pushed her in the water to teach her how to swim. Upon entering the water, the boy Jason grabs her leg and tries to pull her down further. Flashing forward, Rennie is on a cruise ship bound for New York City. She constantly has visions of the boy Jason swimming at her. Then the real Jason shows up, and the final battle takes place in the Manhattan sewer system, where Jason is dissolved by radioactive waste. After dissolving, Jason apparently transforms back into a little boy. Not much is said to clarify whether this is an actual manifestation of Jason, or just in Rennie’s own mind. You’d think it was real because of her boyfriend’s reaction to it as well. Is it a psychic vision, or a metaphysical transformation? Who knows?

ALL OF ‘EM: Jason has always had an uncanny ability to transport himself anywhere, and at any time. As my friend Lance pointed out early on in our friendship “He’s the slowest motherf**ker on earth, but he can outrun anybody!” How does he do this? Could it be supernatural in nature? Anyone who takes a closer look at these films can’t escape the fact that Jason does seem to have the ability to teleport himself to the appropriate location of his choosing in order to cause havoc. But can he be two places at once? I would hafta say yes. Many times throughout the series, Jason has been chasing someone through the woods. They can usually leave him in the dust, and travel at least a hundred feet away from him. It’s at this point that something miraculous happens. Jason is suddenly in front of them, or has appeared at the point where they’ve stopped; usually a clearing or cabin. Also, what about that boy in the lake problem? What problem? Well, as we discussed in earlier, Jason was in the lake from 57 till 79. Afterwards, he has been the continuing strong point in the series. But is he also amphibious? Or does Jason have the power to manifest himself in two different forms; one of a little boy, and an ax wielding maniac. You’d think after the situation with Rennie in Part 8. In Rennie’s flashback, she looks to be about 8 or 9. If this is the case, then Jason had yet to be resurrected in Part 2. The bulk of Part 2 took place five years after the original. That means it took place somewhere between 84 and 85, but the styles all scream 82. So if Rennie is graduating, then that means she is 17, maybe 18. I’d say 17, because she looks like a straight shooter; especially if she was raised by an a***ole like her Uncle. If she’s 17, then that means the event that we flashback to took place around 84 or 83. Jason had already been out of the lake and taking people out by this time. He killed Alice in 80 or 81. During that event, he was fully clothed. So how did Jason shrink back into a kid again and go back into the Lake? Maybe it’s just his evil essence? Maybe his spirit continues to haunt the lake even when he’s out killing people. Or maybe it’s just that there was no thought put into this s**t! This also reminds me of the beginning of Part 7. In that, we quickly see Jason chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake; where Tommy left him at the end of Part 6. Then, immediately we see a past event when Tina’s father is killed. The way the opening sequence plays out, it appears that Jason was at the bottom of the lake during this time. If this is the case, then Jason was somehow there in the early eighties, before he died at Tommy’s hand and then resurrected by his stupidity with the iron pole. Is there some kind of time-warp at the bottom of Crystal Lake that allows this to happen? Does Jason have the power to transcend time and space? Personally I think this is just poor editing in regards to a flashback sequence.

Anyway, I’m going on a rant here! Let’s stick to the case at hand; Jason Goes to Hell.  
The point to all this is that there have been supernatural elements; intentional or not; hinted at throughout the series. But does this explain or shed any light on Jason’s heart condition, Body-Jumping capabilities, or the confusing subplots in The Final Friday? No!


SUMMARY
   Jason went from being a vengeful outcast, to a zombie extraordinaire, to a monster from the very bowels of Hell that manifests itself as a heart-worm-demonoid beastie that can be reborn only by entering into a Voorhees female. I’m surprised that they didn’t go so far as to suggest that the boy is extraterrestrial. The film doesn’t do anything to suggest a definite answer to our question; so I guess it’s safe to say that he is both; an evil heart-worm-demonoid, and a demonic force of a kind.
What’s the point I’m getting at with this? Simple...Where in the f**k is the indestructible psychopath that stalks campers while wearing a hockey mask and wielding a machete? Nowhere, that’s where! Jason; in any kind of form that would lead you to believe that this is a Friday the 13th movie; is absent from the film for 95% of the running time.


3. DO YOU REMEMBER HIM? I DON’T THINK SO!
   
THE PROBLEM:
After Jason is blown to hell (which upon viewing the rest of the film, I wish it woulda ended here), we see a black, cowboy kinda guy named Creighton Duke (played wonderfully by 21 Jumpstreet’s Steven Williams) remark, “I don’t think so.” as if he knows what we all know; Jason ain’t dead. Maybe he does! But who in the f**k is this guy, and where does he fit into the Friday The 13th story?

OBSERVATIONS:
   I’ll tell ya where he fits in...NOWHERE! But who is he? He’s a very interesting character, believe me, but that doesn’t excuse the situations that arise from his being present.
   According to this film, Creighton Duke is a bounty hunter who has been responsible for catching some of America’s most violent serial killers. He goes on the show “American Casefile” and tells us all about Jason’s wonderful “new” powers. He claims that for a price, he can eradicate Jason for good. And thus the odyssey that is Creighton Duke begins.
   So, what’s the problem? Well, there really wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for one line near the end of the film. The newly reborn Jason; complete with trademark hockey, and original clothes from the beginning; left on a body that’s in pieces in another state; faces off with the Duke. At this point, Duke says to him “You remember me?” NO! I’m sorry Duke dude, but we don’t. Where the hell did you come from? And how do you know so much about demoniod hearts, evil worms, magical daggers, and, of course ...Jason? I thought he was a bounty hunter who specializes in serial murderers. Do all serial killers have demonic hearts awaiting rebirth through siblings? I think not. There’s a whole lotta s**t that comes with this guy, and we don’t have the first clue.
   Obviously, I hafta be fair. There is an answer to these mysteries (not a very good one though), and I found it. It’s in the comic adaptation.
   Anyone who understands how book and comic adaptations work, knows what I’m getting at. The published adaptations are part of the advertising campaign to promote the films they adapt. That means the comic or publishing company gets the rights to do the adaptation usually right after the “final” cut is made. They then do the adaptation based on the film they’ve seen, or the shooting script. Now, just because the “final” cut is made, that doesn’t mean that more stuff isn’t cut before the release date. There’s this thing called test screenings, which allow the filmmakers and studios an inside peak into what the audiences reactions are gonna be before they release it to the masses. In this, sometimes there are scenes that have been adapted that do not show up in the film. Creighton Duke suffered from this fate, and this is the reason for this obscure line in the movie.
   I bought the first issue of the three part Topps adaptation comic a month before the film came out. It looked really cool. Then I opened it. This was my first realization that bad things could be hitting the screens. It showed me a sneak peak at what was to come as far as the body-jumping, and the heart demon s**t was concerned. After reading this edition, I couldn’t help but keep my hopes up. I kept saying to myself, “They can’t do this for the whole entire movie! There must be a catch!”. There wasn’t. If I had gotten the other two parts prior I might’ve saved my seven dollars.
   Two months after the movie was released, I picked the other two parts, and decided to read them. In the last part of the third part, we see the final battle at the Voorhees home that we saw in the movie, only there’s a difference here. This time, we get a little more insight into the mysterious Creighton Duke.
According to a dialogue between him and Jessica, Creighton was with his girl at Crystal Lake sometime in the early 70’s (once again not making sense with the timeline). According to the Duke, Jason came up outta the water and grabbed his love to be and pulled her in. This is the reason why Creighton has been chasing Jason for the last two decades.
The director of Jason Goes to Hell; Adam Marcus; has confessed that this was originally in the cut, but it just played too long and it slowed the pace of the film, so he took it out. That’s good! Maybe he shoulda taken out the whole damn movie! Not that I like this movie, but I seriously think the director should have kept this scene in, then the later line about ‘remembering’ would make more sense. But, then again, if our purpose was to make sense, then this movie would have never come out.
This still doesn’t fix our situation with the Duke. If Creighton knew so much about Jason, even prior to the first film, then why did he wait soo long to act on it. It’s been eight movies Creighton...get on the ball! Unfortunately, he’s dead now, so he can’t answer for us. It’s too bad, because he was the coolest character in the movie, and that’s very rare with this kinda tripe!

OTHER CONNECTIONS TO THE SERIES?
   There’s not many connections to the rest of the movies as far as Creighton Duke is concerned. But there is a nice little history of those who have prior knowledge of, and or confrontations with the masked killer.

Part 3: Our surviving heroine did have a previous running in with Jason.

Part 4: Tommy’s sister had the hots for a guy who has been hanging around the camp grounds, waiting to do battle with the masked fiend.

Part 6: Of course, we know Tommy’s story.

Part 7: For some reason, Dr. Cruse has newspaper clippings of past massacres at Crystal Lake, and the police sketch of the “Boy in the Lake”. He also hides all evidence that Jason has come back, trying to convince Tina’s mother that she’s crazy and needs to be committed. Why is he covering up Jason’s tracks?

SUMMARY
   The makers of The Final Friday had a very cool character that was too esoteric for his own good. The idea of Creighton Duke, or anyone who knows the entire secret to any famous movie villain should have more of a place in the mythology. If he/she can be worked into the mix, there needs to be more exposition to place him/her in. This is unfortunate that the one thing likable about this movie eventually becomes the most annoying part, because of no previous information, or a complete understanding of how the character knows so much that we don’t. This is bad sequel-making in its worst form. The writers and director should be ashamed of themselves.  


4. BLOODLINE OF THE MACHETE?

THE PROBLEM:
   After Deputy Josh; now Jason; kills Diana, and Steven shoves him out the window, the Sheriff shows up, sees the body, and Steven covered with blood, and assumes the obvious. The Sheriff arrests Steven, and throws him into a cell, right next to Creighton Duke. Creighton tells Steven that he knows the secret to Jason’s destruction. Steven “pays” the Duke for the information by sacrificing two of his fingers. The Duke informs Steven; as well as us; “Through a Voorhees was he born, through a Voorhees can he be reborn, and only by the hand of a Voorhees can he die.”  and now it’s up to Jessica to destroy Jason, now that his sister Diana is dead. Thus, here is another added edition to the Jason mythology. Not only is Jason part of some kind of mad dynasty, but there is a method to destroy Jason that has to be followed to the T! Once again, when did this happen? And how?

OBSERVATIONS:
   The question is obviously, does Jason have or has he ever had siblings? This problem has been a fave for fans to debate. This problem has also shown just how much fans are devoted to Jason, that they’ve tried again and again to explain it away. My favorite explanation is Diana was Mr. Voorhees daughter from another marriage. But it just isn’t that simple. What do we know about Jason’s dad?
   In the film; Jason Goes to Hell; it is said on the “American Casefile” show that Jason was born to Elias and Pamela Voorhees. This the first mention EVER of Jason’s father in the films. But like I said before, I have to be fair. This is not the first mention of Jason’s father. A “Mr. Voorhees” was mentioned visiting the gravesite in the last chapter of the novelization of Part 6: Jason Lives. Regardless of how much fun this chapter is to read, it doesn’t give us any information on who he is or what he has to do with Jason prior, except for the fact that he f**ked Pamela. It was even theorized at some point that Dr. Crews from Part 7 was actually Jason’s father, which would explain the covering up of Jason’s antics, but there is no evidence to support this claim.
   If we look to the previous movies, we find no mention, not even a clue to whether Jason had any living siblings. The films do however mention the something to the contrary. When we find out that Pamela Voorhees is Jason’s mother in Part 1, she goes off into a flashback and monologue which pretty much lays this issue to rest. She says...“Jason...My only child...Jason!”. So, what gives? The movies give no indication as to the personality, or personal history of Daddy, and Pamela claims to have only one child, so that should settle it.

OTHER CONNECTIONS TO THE SERIES?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SUMMARY
   I pretty much summed up this point at the top. But let me just say this to the filmmakers. The missing sibling plot is an overused one. But if your gonna use it, then make sure there is something to base it on in the previous installments. If there isn’t, then make up something that explains it. Watch the original movies. Know what you’re talking about. Don’t f**k with Jason. He too beloved and respected by too many fans, you shouldn’t be able to afford p**sing us off like this.
The director claimed to be a Jason fan, and his film Jason Goes To Hell is a movie by the fans for the fans. No true fan would make these kind of mistakes. You’re trying to add more to Jason, and make him more than what he is. We like the fact that he’s simple. We like watching him kill. Make the other characters more complex. As Stephen King has shown in his horror, if you have characters that we can care about, then we can be shocked, and even upset at the demise. Jason, though, has continually killed stupid people that we hate. That’s the formula. Change that if you must, but leave Jason alone! The true fans have spoken.

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!


5. HUMOR ME!

THE PROBLEM:
   Throughout this Friday film, the filmmakers tried to make us laugh, and we did, but not at the intentional jokes. This is bad. You’re supposed to thrill us, not annoy us. The only character that slightly amused me was Creighton Duke. The rest of the characters try to be funny, but it’s no good. We just didn’t laugh.

OBSERVATIONS:
   There’s really not a lot to this section, just a list of those “supposed to be funny” things that made me and Lance wanna puke our guts out.

1.   The things M.E. said to Jason’s corpse like “This guy’s deader than s**t! Ha! Ha! Ha!” ulgh!
2.   The s**t that M.E. 2 was talking to Jason’s corpse. It woulda been cool if Jason had reassembled himself and then killed him.
3.   Creighton Duke’s “little girl in a pink dress with a banana and a donut” analogy.
4.   The things Steven says to the doomed campers.
5.   The supporting characters in the Diner scenes; especially the foul-mouthed, red-headed b***h that ran the place.
6.   The shaving scene.
7.   The gun argument between Steven and Randy.
8.   The continuous references to other genre movies (a matter that will be discussed later).

That’s about it folks. I don’t know what more I can say. If you don’t believe me, than watch the movie again, you’ll see. If you laugh because you really think it is funny, then I’d run...Run and HIDE...before other true Jason fans find you.

OTHER CONNECTIONS IN THE SERIES?
   Not really...but I thought this would be a good time to remember those things that were funny in the other films.

1.   When Jason falls off the chair in Part 2.
2.   The crazy guy with the eyeball in Part 3.
3.   The motorcycle gang situation with Shelly in Part 3.
4.   The “dead f**k” speech, and the “Computer” in Part 4 was slightly amusing.
5.   Anytime Jason killed someone who thought they could handle him.
6.   Anytime Jason punches through someone.
7.   Anytime Jason is caught off-guard.
8.   Anytime Jason kills the athlete of the bunch.
9.   Anytime Jason kills the b***h of the group.
10.    Anytime Jason kills a police officer.
11.    When Jason removed his mask to the punkers in Part 8.

Jason has his own style of humor. The films in the past are fun because of their campiness. It’s all unintentional though. The producers need to stop trying to put icing on the cake.

SUMMARY
   This movie just wasn’t funny, only because the writers and director tried to make it funny. At first, Marcus claimed he was trying to do a more supernatural story with Jason. The impression I got from this is he was going a more serious route for the big finale. We were deceived!  


6. REMODELING?

THE PROBLEM:
   In Jason Goes To Hell, our hero Steven goes to the police station, and eventually travels to the Voorhees’s home to investigate Jason’s dark legacy. The Police Station multi-leveled, and the Voorhees home looks to be about three stories tall, with a large basement as well. Also, the Friday story takes place in New Jersey; Green Valley to be exact; but apparently, someone doesn’t know his geography, nor has he ever really watched a Friday film, because some extensive remodeling has been done, and put the story in more jeopardy.

OBSERVATIONS:
   Let’s deal with the Police Station first. In Part 6, the “Forrest Green” (dumb name) Sheriff’s office, which from the way the Sheriff and Deputy were handling the recent murders, it is apparent that this is the center for Law enforcement here in the Crystal Lake region, but in Hell, the Police Station (which is not called Forrest Green anymore) is big, with lots of space for lots of dumb cops, and even several cells that have their own hallway; unlike the crappy two cells that were in the Sheriff’s office in Part 6. That’s a serious renovation.
   Next is my favorite...The Voorhees’s home. If I use deductive logic, I would have to say that Mrs. Voorhees did not originally live at Camp Crystal Lake. After all...who the hell lives at a camp? I believe this, because she worked as a cook at the camp, the camp is only open for the summer, and she doesn’t look the wilderness type, but that’s just me. Anyway, the point is, at this point in The Final Friday; when Steven is investigating the sordid past of the Voorhees clan, he goes to the Voorhees home…or should I say...mansion. I’m telling ya, teat damn Voorhees bunch were loaded. They had to be. This place looks to be three stories tall, with an archaic fireplace, big as hell basement, and is very roomy (even though we really only saw the living room, kitchen, and basement) from the outside.
   Now, all this really isn’t a problem, but it did lead me and Lance into our own investigation of the Voorhees home. Was there a Voorhees house even present in the Friday series? First, and natural answer would be “No”, but let’s not be too hasty. In Part 2 we see that Jason is staying in an abandoned home in the woods surrounding Crystal Lake. How do we know this? Because, first off, Jason seems quite comfortable there. This is where he brings the dead (female) bodies and this is where he has set up his altar with the head of his dead mother. Now, we all know mamma’s boys, and we know how sick they can be. We also know how we are with our own mother’s, and we usually have great respect for them, no matter how much they get on our nerves. But, sickos like Jason would take it more on the psychotic side when it came to a death in the family, especially the most important person in your life as a child; which Jason will always be; which was the roll Pamela played in Jason’s life. I’m not trying to insult my readers intelligence, I’m just trying to drive home the fact that Jason loved his Mother dearly, and remembering this is extremely important to the continuing plot of the films (it’s also quite obvious because of the brutality of the murders). She is Jason’s main driving force. Her death is what set him off. The “counselors” were the ones responsible for his death, but he did nothing heinous to them until one of them eventually killed his vengeful mother. Good, now that we’re clear on that, let’s move on.
   Jason’s love for his Mother, and his vengeance on those horny young folk surrounding the lake is the cause of all this death. His love is reflected in his placing up of an altar in her honor. He brings the dead bodies to her, and this is obviously where he stays when he’s not after kids, and law enforcement. And also, the fact that’s it’s in one of the bedrooms of this shack of a house, this would more than likely have been her room. We can compare this ideology to the way the Ed Geinish psycho in the film Deranged handled his mother’s remains. To sum up, all the evidence points to this place in Part 2 to be the actual first time we see the Voorhees home. I think it would be safe to say that since Pamela’s death, nobody has lived in the Voorhees home since then. This is obvious by the condition of the house in both films; Part 2 and Hell. But in Jason Goes To Hell, the Voorhees home has had some serious changes done to it, and we know no one lived there after them, for the fact that all their evil s**t is still there, everywhere. So, I can’t buy it. Just another example of how much work Adam Marcus DIDN’T put into this production.

OTHER CONNECTIONS TO THE SERIES?
   Except for the changing in locations of some productions, not really.

SUMMARY
   Adam Marcus is a hack of a director, and this film is the most heinous slap in the face to all Jasonphiles. Never have I witnessed a bigger raping of a film then this movie. I know this is a relatively small point compared to others I have made, but it is important to our case here. It shows how hard it is for producers to go back and watch the other films in a series before trying to revive it. I can understand certain liberties, but this is f**king ridiculous as far as I’m concerned, and it leads me to believe what my mother has always told me...“It’s harder to f**k-up then to do something the best you can.”
   Also...get a f**king map! Watch the previous movies! GET f**kING INSPIRED TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE! Of course, Jason is not perfection (there’s about a zillion other pictures I would take over any of the Friday the 13th’s, but goddammit, when I do watch them, I want a little f**king sense to it. There already way past the point of common sense, we don’t need to distort geography in the process...Keep the original settings...and if you change structures, allow something to stroke our imaginations as to how this could’ve happened.

       
7. JASON IS FREDDY IS JASON IS MICHAEL!

THE PROBLEM:
   In the beginning, there was Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, The Wolfman, and The Mummy. They set the big studio example for successful horror films, and continued each monster with several sequels, as well as crossovers, eventually dying an untimely death as the lead jokes in several Abbot and Costello parodies.
   During the new wave of horror in the 70’s and early 80’s the classic monster icons of the past were replaced by the slashers of that era; Leatherface, Jason, Michael, and Freddy; and thus horror marched on. The Slashers...all relatively human, soon began to take on monstrous qualities. Leatherface partook of the cannibalism taboo, which immediately placed him in the human monster category. Freddy’s power to influence and kill through dreams already had the supernatural flare to keep him popular for years to come. Michael Myers had his indestructible qualities and the insistence of his wonderful doctor to the fact he was just “pure evil”. And then of course, we had Jason. His legendary status was already in the mix, and his uncanny ability to take the hits and keep on truckin’ allowed him a place in the monster canon; not to mention his zombie incarnation since Part 6. But now, with the recent mirage of sequels that plague our heroes, it’s getting hard to determine who’s taking from who.

OBSERVATIONS:
   The fact that there is really no original idea in Horror movies anymore is obvious. Most Horror writers have conceded to this; especially Stephen King who has said on a number of occasions that he merely expounds on old ideas in order to give them new life. This section of our study is not really a rant on the Friday the 13th films. This argument can be placed on all of the horror franchises.
   It was Michael Myers who first made the old Haunting Ground scenario in modern Horror the thing to do. He murdered his sister, and then years later he came back to repeat the crime again...again...and again. As the series progressed, the Myers family tree was implemented with a dark secret that fueled his need to continually come to Haddonfield and kill. In later years, we got Jason and his Mother’s back story that started a cyclone of terror at Crystal Lake. Just a couple of years later, we had Freddy’s shenanigans in Springwood that set in motion the Nightmares of Elm Street. And let us not forget Leatherface, who was the most famous member of Texas’s most notorious family of butchers. So...

(f**k!)Jason...THE POINT IS JASON GOES TO HELL IS DOING NOTHING NEW!
Look! Jason didn’t have a sister before this movie...There is no room for one according to the previously mentioned timeline! This film wasn’t a comedy on purpose, so there’s no real room for satire! But, because it seems to work in other genre franchises, the director’s, writers, producers, and EVERYONE ELSE WHO WATCHED THE DAILIES AND SAID, “This is good work we’re doing...This is good, I tell ya!” decided that this was a reasonable way to work for this film...And worse than that, they thought die-hard Jason fans would like it! WHAT! I mean...What! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael had a sister...Freddy has a daughter! LEATHERFACE HAS A FAMILY THAT IS SPREAD OUT EVERYWHERE (Thanks to the lesser sequels showing him, with a new bunch of yokels)! AND...JASON IS PURE EVIL! ISN’T THAT MICHAEL WE’RE TALKING ABOUT! ENOUGH!
f**k IT! NEVERMIND! I...I...

(Editor’s Note: No...Kevin had no idea where he was going
with this one point; aside from the last sentence of the above paragraph...He had a clear thought of what to say, but then he got drunk that night, and not having a pen and paper handy, he attempted to tape record his ideas for to transcribe at a later date. The problem is that the majority of the tape was incoherent, and full a vague ramblings concerning his appreciation of the Friday the 13th films, and his undying love for Sean Cunningham...All the sudden, he went into one of those hideous retrospective nightmares, and begged to God that if Sean ever sees this, that he will forgive Mr. Logan, and hopefully allow him to work for him someday. He began to cry. In short, it sounded better when he was drunk, and this paper was just a fleeting thought...now that it has started to manifest, he got lost, and SCARED!)
- Abraxis Cole (Kev’s personal editor & friend)


8. HOW MANY OTHER MOVIES ARE THERE HERE?

THE PROBLEM:
   I don’t think I say it enough. There is nothing new under the sun. Every horror fan realizes this; if they’ve stayed with the genre for more than ten years. So, I can’t really complain too much about reused plots, and vices that have come into play time and again. Most of my rant has been based completely on the Crystal Lake Universe. But, let’s be honest...there are homage’s in this film that are completely and utterly STUPID! At first glance, some may very well help us understand what’s really going on, but on the other hand, there are those little things in this film, that just seem so damn out of place. So how many other films are there here that are not Friday points?

OBSERVATIONS:
   First off...we’ve discussed the reason’s and possible explanations as to the way that Jason keeps coming back, and the different feats of super science that Jason is capable of (Time Travel, Mutation, and Growth), but is there a possible explanation seen on the film that could help us with this problem?
   Well...there is that terrible Necronomican Ex Mortis, roughly translated “Book of the Dead” from the Evil Dead movies present in the Voorhees home to consider. But...How did it get there? According to interviews with director Adam Marcus, this was placed in the film as an homage to the Evil Dead films, because, after all...this was a horror film, made by the fans for the fans. But if we are to believe that s**t, then we have to believe that these guys had no idea that we wanted a grand finale, not this weak, retarded, blatantly inexcusable rip, tear, and shred of s**t that has been uncomfortably subtitled as The Final Friday!  
   Is Jason a Deadite?! If so, then get Ash over here...Jason would be dead in ten minutes! Maybe?
   Evil Dead would be number 1 in obvious. Anything else? Sure!

2. Creighton Duke’s oh so generous offer for the capture of Jason is a direct rip off of Quint’s speech to the townsfolk of Amity Island in Jaws.

“For that kinda money you’ll get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” â€"Jaws

“For that you’ll get the mask, the machete, the whole damn thing.”-JGTH

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

3. In the basement of the Voorhees home, there is a crate labeled “Artic Expedition”...Is this the same crate from Creepshow? Ooooooooooooooooh, how clever! (Grumble)

4. The heart does its possession in very much...NO, NO, THE EXACT SAME WAY as in the underrated Sci-Fi cult hit The Hidden! Maybe Jason really is an alien?

5. In reference to point 7...again...It’s funny how the Voorhees home looks very much like its taking its cue from the Nightmare house as we have seen it since Part 3: Dream Warriors. Also, we have Freddy’s gloved hand come up in the final seconds of and grab Jason’s mask; which shouldn’t be there!

   So...FIVE MOVIES that are not Friday the 13th films have been fused into this mess. And...now that we’ve established that this film is not a Friday the 13th film ANYWAY...I think I have every right to be extremely p**sed about the last minute inclusion of horny campers getting slaughtered by the M.E. from the beginning; who is now Jason. I guess they realized that this was gonna suck ,and tried to buy us off by giving us a little bit of the old Ultra violence...Not me...and not the others like me, Mr. Marcus...Mr. Cunningham...We’re onto you.
   But the madness doesn’t stop there...I know it’s stretching it now...I have no illusions as to where this essay, article, paper is going at this point, but this has been a personal observation concerning the image of Jason in the mirrors whenever someone possessed passes by, or looks into a reflective surface. I’m just gonna be blunt...DID THEY STEAL THIS FROM QUAN

Well, I liked the first one and found Jason X quite entertaining. There was another good one that I can't remember the number of. It's the one with the sheriffs daughter as one of the main characters.

SUMMARY
   I think this movie has not one original bone in it’s body. The fact that this is suppose to be Jason’s final adventure, gives way to a great number of possibilities that could manifest on screen, and let our hero go out with a bang. This did not happen.
   Plus, having an homage to another film is not a bad thing...having a couple is not deadly in any sorts...BUT TO HAVE AN HOMAGE, AND OTHERS BE APART OF THE PLOT STRUCTURE...well then you are just RIPPING OFF!!!!!!!!!!! Jason may not be totally original, but in the words of The Misfits he “ain’t no goddamned sonofab***h!”!


9. MAGIC AND SORCERY?

THE PROBLEM:
   Maybe it isn’t new leaps in physics that have allowed this madness with Jason. Maybe it...(BA BA BOOM!) the ancient rites and practices of Magic and Sorcery. Ya think? That’s what you would think...but...again, what the f**k! Since when has magic become such a crucial part to the story line?
   
OBSERVATIONS:
   To completely go over point 2 again, would be ludicrous, but let me just reiterate for a second; it is quite obvious that there are some supernatural activities going on in the background that we are not fully aware of...but that doesn’t explain a lot of s**t that is just plain nonsense as far as this FINAL film is concerned.


Exhibit A: The Dagger
   This one little item had the entire theater; not gasping; laughing hysterically, and then many proceeded to walk out. But me and my friends...we stayed...because we wanted answers! We wanted something we could hold onto. And when that dagger became the mystical Jason-Slayer...we wanted an explanation. The only one we could get was “Well, Jason’s just pure evil.” WHAT A CROCK! Why did the dagger change into the mini-sword when Jessica touched it? Because she’s a Voorhees? No s**t. What makes the Voorhees clan so magical? And why the f**k isn’t Jessica a mongoloid just like Jason...AND IMMORTAL!?! Is it...magic?...Is it...SATAN!?!

Exhibit B: Creighton Duke
   In some magical folklore, there are legends about men who had the powers of subduing evil spirits through other means than exorcism, and banishing. Banishing was the Magicians job, but if he failed, there were others who had no personal connection to the spirit, and were better equipped to handle the task of bringing it in. Sort of like a magical bounty hunter. These legends are few and far between, but they have inadvertently inspired many of our favorite Horror movie Heroes such as Ash, Loomis, and Alice from Elm Street fame, but is this what Creighton Duke is? I would say yes, but this only goes to prove my point about the makers of Hell.
   It’s obvious that Mr. Duke does a hell of a lot more than just train himself as a bounty hunter in his personal fortress. It’s quite obvious that he dabbles into magical lore, and sorcery, for the simple fact that he knows how to destroy Jason; and he knows all about the evil heart condition. But what we don’t know is where did he get all this information. He’s had to come pretty damn close to some other action before this to know so much. Trust me, you don’t find out all he knows by simply reading a book. So...is he a sorcerer? You would think. But the movie presents him as a bounty hunter, and his specialty is Serial Killers. Are all serial murderers Vampires, Demons, and Werewolves? Or just the ones that he goes after? Does Creighton Duke fashion himself as a Paranormal Hunter; a Ghostbuster so to speak? Or is he even human? He obviously is since he died! But, how did he know all this? And only when he’s on the case does Jason’s magical abilities come into play. Does Jason know Creighton’s after him, and about to lay down the smack? I’d have to say no, because Jason looks just as confused as we did.
   No offense, but JASON IS AN IDIOT! He can’t talk anymore( Yes I’m taking into account the fact that Pamela was talking in his voice in the first film, but it’s obvious that she’s crazy, or maybe she was receiving psychic messages; you don’t need a mouth to speak psychically; but this doesn’t change the fact that Jason has not spoken a word in front of us; and I don’t care that he was screaming “Mommy!” in Part 8; he’s sooo decomposed, I’m sure he doesn’t have a tongue anymore, so that could be a psychic thing too); he can’t read from what we’ve seen; and he doesn’t think that well. What ever he does, he just knows what to do. If he’s walking by an RV, or a tent, he knows People are around...something to kill. He’s like a shark; mindless killing machine. If any education has been installed in that microscopic brain of his, it is no more than 8th grade, and I’m being nice. But based on Pamela’s psychosis, and abhorring affection for Jason; I’d say that she Home-schooled him. Also based on his appearance, I’d have to conclude that she kept him away from most people. Only on occasion would she bring him around; like that fateful day he drowned. Or maybe Jason ventured out himself, and decided to take a dive; not having the capability to understand that he “wasn’t a very good swimmer...”. So it’s safe to say that he wasn’t that smart anyway! If he’s an evil entity, stuck in a Retard’s body, I could accept it more; but the fact is that this is not how he was presented in the past. Plus, this entity seems to be pretty smart...wouldn’t any of that rubbed off on Jason? Anything’s possible now! But I still don’t think that Jason had any idea who the hell Creighton Duke was, or the fact that he knew the secret of the heart!
   And another thing! Do the filmmakers even know what a serial killer is? I can’t reasonably say that Jason is a Serial Killer. He has no real Signature as has been set in Serial Murder studies. He uses anything; even his bare hands. He is vengeful, and he is merciless. He doesn’t kill anyone anymore that reminds him of anything having to do with some past figure. Most Serial Criminals kill the one that reminds them of the person they really want to kill. Others like the control factor; being dominate over the victims fate can be the ultimate turn-on. Jason just kills anything...Even dogs! Halloween reference?
What the Hell has Creighton been hunting? Is this just a front, getting him ready for his ultimate showdown with the masked madman Jason? But from what I’ve seen, HE’S BEEN HANGING AROUND IN THE BUSHES, WATCHING THE SHOW!

HA! Another Halloween reference! Now we’re up to 6!  


Exhibit C: The Rebirth
   I don’t care...There is no reasonable explanation for how Jason can be reborn wearing all his previous clothes; mask; completely grownup; with hair, and already dead, and re-resurrected other than some kinda magic that is beyond all scientific testing. Which shows that the filmmakers not only didn’t bother thinking, they also went a little NUTS!


SUMMARY
   Nothing is thoroughly explained, nor is there any time taken to make a good story with this mess. The filmmakers took a lot of money, and decided to f**k with everything that we wanted to know, and they revealed nothing to us that would have made this movie idea a great climax, and grand finale to such a successful franchise.


10. WHAT HAPPENED TO JASON?

THE PROBLEM:
   We all love Jason. He’s the man! He kills without pure reason anymore, he just kills everyone, and it’s been this way since Part 4. NOTHING CAN KILL HIM! And there is no limit to his means of murder. But, in Jason Goes To Hell, at the end battle, we see something happen that defies the logic of these films.

OBSERVATIONS:
   In the final scenes, Steven tries to divert Jason from Jessica by throwing himself in front of Jason, and thus becoming a human punching bag. What’s wrong with this? Everything.
   We’ve seen Jason tear people apart; ram their faces in metal; chop off every, and anything; stab people with anything; crush their extremities off; and if it came down to it, he would just punch right through them! Now, with Steven, he has a rake handle pole, and he’s beating him with it. The previous Jasons would have done hit him so hard in the face, that it would’ve torn the guy’s head completely off. And, in throwing him into a jungle gym, it’s safe to say that Steven would’ve been sliced and diced by the intense impact into the bars. It appears that he was more powerful when he was the M.E. this is not Jason. Something terrible happened to Jason. Maybe he started questioning his M.O.

OTHER CONNECTIONS TO THE SERIES?
   Actually, there are other times when he let us down near the end.

PART 2: Jason had mastered the art of sneaking up on people, and taking them out quickly, but for some reason, he lost his touch with the two survivors of this film. Jenny, and her man seemed to be too quick for the masked madman.

PART 3: When our heroine explains that she was attacked in the woods a long time before this film, one can’t help but wonder “How did she get away?”

PART 4: When Jason smashes through the window and grabs little Tommy, there is no doubt in my mind that he could’ve torn him in half...Such a little boy.

PART 6: When he has Megan’s head in his clutches, he takes a little more time than he did with the cop earlier in smashing her skull. Why?

PART 7: When Tina’s new squeeze attempts to take on Jason, in defense of Tina; Jason merely pushes him off the dock. In any other case, he would’ve punched right through him, or broke his face apart. Maybe he was just too vengeful to deal with someone who wasn’t telepathically making an example of him.

PART 8: I know it was funny, but let’s be honest. Jason would’ve torn those Punkers to shreds...especially if they pulled out their knives! Instead, he chooses to scare them off with his hideous appearance.

SUMMARY
   Jason; if he was really more interested in killing the only person now who had any idea of how to destroy him for good; wouldn’t have taken so much time fooling around with the weak ass Steven character. The Jason we came to grow and love suddenly lost his touch. Of course, as presented in the paragraphs above, there are other times he let us down, but he never took THIS LONG with those others; especially being in such close proximity for such a long time. Jason surely did go to Hell with this one.



   So, there you have it. Trust me, it really breaks my heart to catalogue all this s**t, but I feel being a Jason fan, it’s my responsibility to report my findings, and demand that something be done. Is it too late? By the title Final Friday, it would appear so. But still, what about a documentary Sean; Friday the 13th: The Explanation? What if we just did another and pretended like this was all a dream? Dallas did that once! Or maybe the whole thing was a dream in Jason’s mind alone, and Freddy Krueger’s responsible! YEAH! And that would be a perfect tie in to a Freddy vs. Jason Movie! What a great idea, huh?
   Mr. Cunningham...I am ashamed to be a fan of yours every time I watch this movie (not really). I’m ashamed of being a Jason fan every time I watch this movie (Definitely). I am ashamed of you Sean. When I heard you were making a comeback with the Friday films, I was giddy as a school girl, but now I lay here in waste and shame. Please...tell us fans why...Why did you let this happen? Why didn’t you put an end to it in some way. You’re the PRODUCER! Don’t be like those Hollywood Moguls who don’t give a s**t, and only care about making money. Making money is good, believe me, I’m not knocking that, but have some decency, please! The best way to make money is to give the people something they want or need...and something that they will continue to get a good use of. This film is nothing that we can use, or enjoy fully. It saddens me that the only joy I can get from this film is ragging on it. That’s not right! I like you Sean. You’re a great guy! Really! But this film...this film is a serious downer on that. And it can reflect on you in a very bad way. It makes it look like you don’t care about your fans.
   Also, Mr. Cunningham, please...PLEASE...don’t ever hire Adam Marcus to do anything ever again! Or Dean Lorey...These two hacks have nothing to offer the horror genre but second-hand plot points, and sheer stupidity! The Fans have spoken, and I...have said my piece.

-Kevin Logan (June 94 - February 95 /   Additional editing: June 02 â€" February 03)

JASON Xscused


By Kevin Logan


   Jason X has finally seen the light of day, and I for one am very happy. Not because I was sure that it would be a great film, but because it’s nice to see a horror film that’s been through so much hell at New Line to finally get to the Big Screen.
   A lot of staff changes at New Line opened the doorway for a lot of projects to get swept under the rug, and with the advent of Lord of the Rings, there didn’t seem to be any room for Jason. But Jason prevailed, anyway...I know it didn’t do great at the Box office, but it was definitely more successful than the previous one...and it had ten times more action, C-Grade performances, and in-joke mayhem than any other Schlock movie of last year. It was a riot.

JASON X: The Summary
After 9 previous movies, Jason has been doing nothing but hanging around (even though he supposedly went to Hell), being chained up by Scientists, and now is going to be transported to some government lab somewhere, and get put under the microscope so that way our own Canadian fave Mr. Cronenberg can find out more about Jason’s wonderful, and completely MYSTERIOUS power to rejuvenate dead tissue. But, our heroine; and fellow scientist; Rowan totally disagrees with this method; citing that she believes that this action could be of the most dangerous consequences. But our good Professor at Large (Cronenberg) believes that the Military has it under control. To make a long story short, Jason escapes, and kills all the Military guys, and Dr. Cronenberg. Rowan sees that she is screwed, so she tricks Jason into a cryogenic chamber and slams the door on our masked Hero...but wait! Jason has the goods, and with a single plunge through the Titanium door of his frozen coffin; with his machete (that would undoubtedly break if you tried this; even being as strong as Jason) and stabs Rowan in the gut; causing the cryogenic system to malfunction, and thus freeze the entire room; leaving Jason and his final victim frozen for a long time.   Flash to 400 years later, Jason, and Rowan are discovered by a rag tag team of science students and taken on board a mega starship The Grendel; where they bring Rowan back to life; using Nano-technology (I think that’s how you spell it) and try to study what’s left of Jason. Dr. Lowe; the teams number one f**ker in charge; when he’s not playing sex games with students in exchange for good grades, or assuring everyone that everything is fine when it isn’t; finds out Jason’s dark history, and sees nothing but dollar signs. Rowan finds out that they also brought Jason along for the ride, and tries to warn them that it doesn’t matter what he looks like, the f**ker is still alive. Meanwhile, two of the teenage students can’t seem to concentrate on study a 400 year old corpse, and decide to go have sex...and we all know what that means. Suddenly Jason wakes up and that’s it! He seems a bit confused by his new surroundings, but after dipping a chicks head into liquid nitrogen; then smashing it into bits, and finding a nice medical instrument, that kind of resembles his old machete; Jason quickly adapts to his new environment. When realizing that there is indeed a Hostile on board, the ships team of Marines jump into action, only to get torn apart, screwed up, and broken beyond repair. Their leader survives barely, and now it’s time to figure out how to get the f**k off the ship. They contact the space station Solaris, and attempt to make it, where there is another team of marines awaiting to save the day, and blow Jason to bits. But Jason kills the pilots, and sends the Grendel right smack into Solaris, and destroys it. Now they’re in trouble. Not only do they still have Jason on board, they will hafta to answer to The Company big time for the cost of a Class 8 Star Station, or whatever (I was making fun of Aliens). Our main geek in the film has a little android playmate, lovingly referred to as KM. he jimmies up her appearance, and true Matrix style, reprograms her to be a Kung fu kicking; gun-touting badass b***h! She destroys Jason in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, she blew him away right on top of the Nano-Technology platform where they brought Rowan back to life. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she also blew the controls out of order...and since the Fates love Jason, you know what happens. The Nano-ants come out and try to reassemble Jason, but there’s not enough tissue left over to continue, so the comp decides to make restitution, and pulls elements from the ship’s metal to fix up our hero. And thus, UBERJASON is born; ready to kick intergalactic ass! Our survivors hail another Star cruiser; Tiamat; and prepare to jump ship, and get back to Earth 2 (Ha Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!), but then soon discover that UberJason is on their ass. Our Geek in arms; still getting over the sudden beheading of his Android lover; uses a Holographic simulation of Crystal Lake circa early 80’s to hopefully ward off Jason for awhile. It doesn’t work, so; like every good fan should think of in a technological super future; he simulates two hot and horny teenage ditzies to keep our masked fiend busy. It works for a bit, and the survivors get out just in time before the ship blows. Of course, it wouldn’t be a great space odyssey unless some one did something heroic. The ex-leader of the marine team; while doing an unscheduled EVA (That’s spacewalk to you dunderheads) he grabs Jason; who was, you guessed it, untouched by the fiery explosion (which is impossible in space, anyway); and rides him right into the atmosphere of Earth 2. Jason has been defeated...right? Cut to Earth 2...in a semi Crystal Lake setting. Two teenagers sitting lakeside see a meteor fall. They go to investigate. At the bottom of the lake, we see a chrome mask; burnt to s**t; but not attached to any corpse. Is Jason still alive...Only time will tell.
         


A letter to Jason Voorhees (Lead Character in the Friday The 13th film series)

(FEBRUARY 15TH, 2003)

DEAR MR. VOORHEES   

Jason, Jason, Jason...Oh, my little Jason...It’s been a long time since we talked, but thanks to New Line, and Noel Cunningham, you came back to us last year in the guise of Jason X. and first off, I gotta say, what a fun ride! I was glad to see you back in action, and with gusto.
Awhile back, I wrote the previous rant Jason Goes To s**t, and though I think I may have gone off on a tangent, I still feel very harshly towards the ninth Friday film, and I don’t think I was totally out of line with what I had to say. Just know, it was out of love a respect. I grew up with you, man. You were my hero. You were the one who I aspired to be if I ever died in a horrible accident brought on by devious bullies who didn’t like me because I was different, or dressed funny, or just loved my mother too much. You were the king of vengeance. But I’ve grown up since then, and I think I understand you a little better now. You offered a moral statement on our culture. You turned the Religious Right on their heads, and made them wallow away into their own hypocrisy. You took them for a ride, and they have yet to recover.
The atrocity that is Jason Goes To Hell is beyond repair, but you have proven yourself a man who doesn’t give up. I was very skeptical about Jason X at first, and could you blame me? It seemed that the producers so no other choice but to throw you off the planet! You seemed to have burned all your bridges with Jason Goes To Hell, and now you had to be deported. I was quite sad by this. Although, I was pleased to see you back, I feared the worst for you, my friend.
We all know you are not the first one to do this. The Leprechaun attempted this route, and we all know what happened there. He went to the Hood next. Pinhead set his sights too high, only to fall greatly. The antigravity units, and the weightlessness of space couldn’t stop that. Space just didn’t seem like the best destination for you guys in Horror World. But, you have always been a trend setter, and you took space over instantly; bringing about the highest body count so far in a Friday The 13th movie ever (I’m referring to the destruction of the Space Station Solaris, of course; Who knows how many people were on board that thing?). I loved it!
I know it must’ve been stressful for you, being in new surroundings, but I also know that you are a very adaptable person. You made your mark, my friend, and now, Earth 2 has it in.
GOD! IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD TO SEE YOU! I’m really all shook up about it. I’ve seen some comebacks (Travolta being the first in mind) but I’ve never seen one as explosive as your recent one. Suddenly, everyone’s talking about Jason again! That’s awesome! I thought you were surely dead, but, I should never doubt you...You were not the first, but you are definitely one of the best, and most memorable. I don’t care how terrible the movies get...I will always be there for you.
Jason X was great fun, but; as I’m sure that you’re aware of; is not really a horror movie anymore. But that’s okay! It’s schlock now! And after reviewing my notes for s**t, and watching the Complete Franchise again, I can see that, your adventures have always been what I lovingly refer to as Schlock. This is a good thing. Please don’t kill me over it. Everything I’m saying is in the highest praise.
After the release of Jason Goes To Hell, many out here were ragging on you non-stop! THAT’S A SHAME! How could they? It wasn’t your fault! You had nothing to do with that mess. I just thought you’d like to know that we here in my neck of the woods, have always stood by you. We love you Jason...And even if they take you to a hundred movies, as long as I’m alive, I’ll be there to cheer you on!
Oh yeah...about the remark that you were an idiot...you know what I meant...right?...God I hope so.

Love

-Kev
   


The first thing me and the new crew of bro’s (Which I refer to as members of The Temple of Schlock; now mostly disbanded) did when we heard the news about Jason X finally getting it’s wide release was get drunk and make predictions about the films outcome. We knew anything went, and it was quiet possible that this film would be a complete waste of time, money and effort. Many dropped out, refusing to even give it a chance. I immediately broke out my collection of Friday films and let them take in the madness. The first thoughts were simply... “It can’t get any worse, can it?” then I showed them Jason Goes To Hell! They said it again. I didn’t think they knew the ramifications of what they were saying. So, thus, I broke out my notes for Jason Goes To s**t, and went right to work. I hoped to get it done before the tenth Jason came out, but that wasn’t in the cards. I worked on it anyway, and now, it is in a form that I will never have to deal with again (as far as writing goes.).
   We had some pretty good predications to boot. We took into consideration the Sci-Fi elements that were definitely going to present, and had a lot of fun with that.  


1.   In theorizing on how Jason was gonna bite it this time around, we the members of the Temple Of Schlock were all about “They’re gonna blow him outta the Goddammed airlock” to quote Aliens, but that really didn’t happen. We thought it was quite cool that he was forced into the atmosphere of Earth 2. But, is it me, or did it look like his nemesis was giving it to him up the butt?

2.   On how Jason was gonna come back this time, we the members were very sure that we weren’t gonna see that part; it would just be implied that he never left; thus, pretending that Jason Goes To Hell never happened. RESULT!

3.   After seeing the trailers, we saw our first glimpse of Uber-Jason, and the text “Evil gets an upgrade”, and this sparked a whole slew of wild theories. First off, it was proposed that somehow, these f**kers on this ship were gonna enhance his intelligence somehow, and thus, he would have the brains to add some kinda Cyber technology to himself. Not that he’s already indestructible enough. Some even thought Aliens might get involved. Many theories, but we were wrong on all. We never thought about the nano-ants, or what the f**k ever. Very Cool!

4.   At one point, considering how stupid Jason Goes To Hell was; we even theorized that after Jason becomes Super Jason, he might just plug himself into the ship’s mainframe and disable it somehow...Yeah...we were going off a little on the nutty side.

5.   And last, on whether or not Jason would be stopped for good, the majority voted “No”. We were right!

What a fun movie. Sure, it ripped off every Sci-Fi film this time around; instead of a thousand and one horror movies; but, it was easily forgivable. We had Jason back, and that was enough. He was bashing, killing, squashing, and “Screwing” everything in his path. And another thing, we had some Hot f**king chicks this time! Yeah sure, they were dumber than a box of Hammer heads; except for the Android; but they were hot! The Future; minus all it’s obvious problems; is looking damn good.
No matter the state of future civilization, many things do seem all too familiar.

HOW MANY OTHER MOVIES ARE HERE PART 2!

   When you get into the world of Sci-Fi; just as in Horror; you’re going to get repeated situations, and plot-lines. These were the most noticeable to me and the members.

1.   The Team of Marines: Anyone who has seen Aliens couldn’t help but try to spot Hudson or Hicks amongst this rag-tag team of grunts. Standard combat, or Bug Hunt?

2.   The Station Solaris: Anyone who has checked out classic foreign Science Fiction Cinema couldn’t help but place this reference. Actually, by now, any George Clooney fan shoulda noticed it as well.

3.   The Holographic Chamber: Anyone who is a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation could see this coming a ten thousand light-years away.

4.   KM’s Upgrade: it never really says how he did it, but by the attire, and reflexes of the sexy android, we all could see the Matrix influence.

5.   The EVA suits: Not really an intentional rip, but still amusing observation; the Space suits very much resemble the styles in 2001: A Space Odyssey...But what Sci-Fi movie hasn’t ripped off that masterpiece?

6.   Androids: There must be some law in the future that if you go any further than the moon, you must have an android present. I like that idea now. KM is without a doubt the one android you’d wanna have on any interstellar cruise. Shades of Alien, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, and any of the Next Generation films.

7.   Earth 2: Though, it’s not a movie, the reference cannot be denied. A very amusing, and short-lived Television show about us and our new home in the future.

I guess I could have put ‘Monster terrorizing people
who are trapped on board a space craft’, but isn’t that nit-picking? I think so! God, what do you take me for!?!   


A letter to Sean Cunningham (Director of Friday The 13th, and Producer of Jason Goes To Hell)

(FEBRUARY 30TH, 2003)

DEAR MR. CUNNINGHAM

   If you have read my paper Jason Goes To s**t, then you already know my feelings about the film Jason Goes To Hell. But, in the text there are several times that I can think of off hand that could be taken as personal attacks on you...and for that, I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me, and I hope to be directing one of your projects someday. You seem to be a great producer to work with.
   I guess you didn’t know this, but I have directed a few short films (3), and I have to tell you that films like Friday The 13th were some of my biggest inspirations as far as writing and directing movies goes. I love the original story to Friday. I love the formula; Agatha Christie style “Ten Little Indians”. That was great. I’ve tried to write that style of film several times, but it’s no good. I guess I think too much. But in essence, I have used several elements from the original film that you directed in writing my horror movies. The end element is one style that will never disappear from Horror, but it will never be matched.
Films like Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and Final Destination have a lot to owe you and Mr. Carpenter (Halloween) for the use of the “Shock Ending” scenario. And even though, Jason continued on, very much in a Michael Myers like fashion, he made his own mark, and with the advent of Kane Hodder, he made his own personality. If it wasn’t for your original film, none of this would have happened. Jason is the man! And we have you to thank. Thank you, Mr. Cunningham...You have contribute so much to mainstream and independent Horror.
You have created an icon to all horror with Jason. He is the only genre figure to even match up to the franchise numbers of the great Godzilla films series. That guy has more than 20 films to his name. Jason only has 10 right now, and that’s an accomplishment compared to other like Freddy, Michael, and Leatherface. Also, you’ve created a character that has yet to fall off the chart, and get buried into the Direct to Video crypt that so many new genre faces seem to go. That means we still want more. And now with Jason and Freddy about to hit it off on a mayhem honeymoon, anything is possible!
As you have seen, if you read the complete text of Jason Goes to s**t, you can see, in reality, that I have an undying love for this series. Who else would take so much time, effort, and stamina to pick apart every little thing about the entire series just to show why a single installment sucks sooo bad? Not many, let me tell ya! I love these films, but, times do change, and even though you were executive producer of the latest installment Jason X, I’m glad you passed the title of producer over to your son Noel. He seems like a great guy, and for the work he did for this movie, he obviously loves our boy just as much as I do. He didn’t bother expanding Jason too much, or work in some repulsive subplot to try to make Jason more interesting. He just gave us Jason. New setting, sure, but still the same old Jason.
I know you’re close to Jason...you are the big Daddy to this franchise, but it is time to pass it on, and you did that, giving it to the right guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, you still have the big J in your blood, but it’s obvious from the prior movie (Hell) that your hold of it isn’t what it used to be. You obviously have bigger fish to fry as far as new projects are concerned. I’m very interested to see Extreme Close-up: XCU...but I can’t say that I appreciate the reference made about it in Fangoria #213 as a cross between the Real World and Scream...You need to talk to Tony Timpone about that. There’s just something not quite right about that.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are loved, admired, and respected by the fans here (I’m in Oklahoma) and elsewhere. And know that we will follow your finest creation (Jason) to infinity...AND BEYOND!...Always!

Your fan

-Kev

P.S. If you or Noel haven’t got any ideas yet for the next Jason adventure after Freddy vs Jason, or what ever you guys are calling it now; and from the last three movies, it’s obvious that anything goes; I have an idea you can use...I won’t even ask for money.

Picture this!...

   It’s obvious that Jason made to Earth 2, and is probably still intact enough to cause damage to human life; let’s just say this is how it is. At some point, Jason started making a ruckus, and lives were lost in the process, but the government of Earth 2 found a way to subdue him; as we did on Earth 1; and now everything is secure.
   But wait! Suddenly we on Earth 2 are attacked by a hostile alien race that wants to take over. They are almost successful, but the government, as well as scientist Rowan from X, come up with a plan...Via Independence Day procedure, Earth 2 scientists send the indestructible UberJason to the Mothership hovering outside the atmosphere to kill the invaders at the heart of there operations. Jason vs Space Invaders...How cool is that?!

Let me know!

Sincerely
Kevin Logan




   I know there are lots of problems with Jason X, but the one element that didn’t suffer anything like it did in Jason Goes To Hell was Jason! Yeah! Yaaaa! JASON KICKED ASS IN THIS! And that’s all we really wanted, isn’t it?    
   Upon hearing the first news about Jason X, as I have shown before, we had a lot of theorizing. One of my favorite discussions came about prior the release date, and before we heard any spoilers. We discussed the basic premise of Jason in Space, and after laughing ourselves silly for about eight hours, me and my old pal Lance discussed where the series could go from there. One idea was, what we labeled The Amazing Colossal Super-Jason! Here was the pitch:

   
   Considering we believed that Jason would get blown out of the airlock, and left for dead in space; we theorized the possibility of him getting picked up by an alien space craft. These aliens would not only have mastered genetics, but also time travel as well. They would, in turn, clone all the messed up tissue that is still holding Jason together, and thus cloning back into the lifeform that he once was; for the sake of studying humans of course. They would also fix his brain, and boost his intelligence level. Now Jason can talk, think, and be more articulate. But that’s not gonna stop his murderous rage. He kills all the aliens, but not before figuring out how to run the ship by himself. He would then figure that his life is really worthless, and by rational thinking, know that he has gotten the revenge that he soo sought ages ago. There’s no choice but to either die, or change for the better. He decides to change his evil ways, and uses the time travel technology aboard the craft, and go back to stop his famous drowning. He gets back to Crystal Lake, but figures out that he can’t really change history because his new brain is now experiencing thought, and this paradox of time travel is too much for him. He gets p**sed and f**ks the ship up, thus sending himself to the time, right before everything on earth went to s**t. The gamma radiation affects him in a serious way, and causes him to start growing at an enormous rate. Now he’s growing to the size of Godzilla, and it’s time to make the remaining humans pay. If he can kill the humans, he can set this madness right. But before he can kill everyone on earth, he grows sooo big that he literally floats off the planet. In the last shot, though, we see Jason successful. We see a shot of the Sun. we see a giant machete slice right down the middle of it, causing the sun to implode, and thus the entire solar system collapses. Out of the cosmic implosion, a giant Hockey Mask flies right at us and stops, filling the screen as we fade to black and hear the famous Ki-Ki-Ki Ma-Ma-Ma!

   :but obviously, this will not work now. But that’s okay...Anything is possible for Jason.
   If this were to work though, we didn’t stop there. We figured the movie series all the way to PART 13 using this scenario. The above premise would’ve been PART 11 ...SOOOO...

PART 12: Jason enters into the Etheric realm, and takes on the Gods of Olympus!
PART 13: God and Satan join forces to defeat Jason in a final battle for the universe!    

    Laugh if you must, but don’t forget, these story lines are not too far out there now for Jason. The sonofab***h can do anything at this point.


A letter to Jim Isaac (Director of Jason X) and Todd Farmer (Writer of Jason X)

(MARCH 1ST, 2003)

DEAR SIRS (Isaac & Farmer)

   Mr. Isaac...First off, great job on Jason X...You didn’t make a thought-provoking film, but you made an entertaining film; and in this day and age, that’s all we can really ask at this point. I’ve liked you work for quite awhile; The Horror Show: but now, I’ll be looking forward to everything you put out. This is classic schlock, and in the end, this is the only way anyone could’ve done Jason since the travesty that was Jason Goes To Hell. Thank you! I can’t wait for the day when you’ll give us you Lord of the Rings, or Spiderman, like the great schlock directors before you. Mad geniuses you all are, but you have, and will continue to change the world of cinema for the better.
   Mr. Farmer...excellent writing on your part. From what I could tell, you had no illusions as to what this project; Jason X; was and will always be. You gave us back Jason in your efforts, and even though it was a long tough ride, you’ve come out with flying colors. When I become a major film director, I hope to direct one of your scripts.

Great work men...Keep it up!

Your newest fan

Kevin Logan

   I have never had more fun with a film series than with the Friday The 13th film series. It truly is remarkable that such a red-headed step child of a major Studio (Paramount) got so big, and continues to gain a following, even in light of obvious problems. The advent of Jason X was the most fun a Schlocker, such as myself, could have at the theater. And the DVD has been equally fun. The documentary on The Many Lives of Jason Voorhees was one of the best of it’s kind I’ve seen on a DVD; even though it only had scenes from the last two movies, but I understand why that is).
   It’s been a long ride with my boy Jason, and I hope to see more of his antics in years to come. Regardless of fans who have deemed him tiresome, he is still around, and even if it’s just for the body count factor, he still entertains, and takes us away from the real horrors of the world today. He had never really failed us, even when producers, writers, and actors have. And now, with news that Jason vs Freddy is a definite reality, like Raymond Burr said of the big G in Godzilla 1985, Jason will Live!


A letter to Kane Hodder (Star of Friday The 13th Parts 7-10)

(MARCH 1ST, 2003)

DEAR MR. HODDER

   I’m so sorry to hear that you’re not gonna be present in the upcoming Jason vs Freddy. I’m terribly saddened by this news. I think, for one, that you are a very talented guy, and your performance of our boy Jason Voorhees has been superb. Of course, you came in right when the movies were starting to get bad, you took it like a man and it’s evident by your performances in these films that you surely care about the part, and you weren’t gonna let us go away without something to remember, and something to keep us coming back.

   I, for one, hope to see you again wearing that old hockey mask, and wielding that machete to you heart’s delight.

Until the next time we meet at Crystal Lake!

Your Adoring Fan

Kevin Logan

   
   My battle with Jason is over. I have said my piece, and now it’s time to just sit back and enjoy, I’ve learned a lot since Jason Goes To s**t was started. I’ve directed three short films of my own, and I’ve written several screenplays (none yet produced), and in that time, I’ve come to understand what it takes to put a movie together, even if it’s just thirty minutes long. It takes a lot. And though I hate Jason Goes To Hell, it is still one of those movies that I’ll never forget. It set me forth into genre writing on so many levels, and it’s the perfect movie for A: getting unwanted guests to leave, and B: To tear apart, and rag on to your heart’s delight. It is a movie that will never escape scorn...but in this day and age, none are safe from that. I have a lot to thank this film for. And in the end, what Adam Marcus Said is true I guess...but only as far as Jason X is concerned.
   Adam Marcus proclaimed that with his movie Jason Goes To Hell, he wanted us to miss Jason so that way when we got him back, it would be like a prize. Too bad it had to take so long for that pipedream to reach reality...But it happened. Jason X was indeed a prize; a fun, entertaining Horro/Sci-Fi/Schlock romp, full of cool effects, and campy performances! What else could we ask for out of this series? Nothing more, I tell ya. To demand more, or expect greatness in such a simple plot, and repetitive style, is to ask for the heavens. Jason kills people. That’s what he does. It doesn’t matter where he does it, or how he does it, it’s what he does. He is the ultimate body count killer, with more corpses under his arms than any of the others in the Pantheon of Slashers out there. My hope is that one day my kids can go to a movie museum, and there on the walls, along with the Horror greats like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, and the Mummy, there will be a bust, poster, or wax statue; SOMETHING; of our boy from Crystal Lake. Sure, by that time, they will laugh at the films...just as we laugh at The Blob, or Day of the Triffids, or The Deadly Mantis, but they will know, that in a time called the eighties, we; the fans now; were apart of a great time in Horror history...we were the children of the era of Jason.  

With Jason X, Jason came back to us, and we are all the more better to have had him in the first place.

Jason...This is for you! Keep up the slaughter!


A letter to Adam Marcus (Director of Jason Goes To Hell)

(MARCH 4TH, 2003)

DEAR MR. MARCUS

   I still think you’re a horrible Director, and I hate Jason Goes to Hell! But...I forgive you...Please...don’t ever do something like that again. I believe there’s still hope for ya!

Peace!

The Kevster

P.S. Tell Dean Lorey that he better get his act together also...I don’t want to have to write another one of these...Ha! Ha! Ha!

Later


-Kevin Logan
 

February 1st-March 4th, 2003

go away

Ok.......I think this will go on record as the longest post EVER!!

I won't read a thread that damn long!

A friendly word of advice...if you want people to pay attention to you....please keep your posts SHORT!!!



Post Edited (07-19-03 00:57)

wasting time posting tens of pages to make us all mad. Ignore him.

wha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..  ?

Well, what I read of this diatribe ranged from well reasoned criticism to easily dismissed nitpicks. Just to reiterate MST3K "Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show, i should really just relax."

I rather agree with him.

I also thought it was a very interesting read. Gets a bit arrogant at times, and some of the speculation is a little overdone, but most of it is right on the money. And I'll say one thing for the guy, he takes the time to explain his position. Kind of refreshing when so many of the posts around here seem to be nothing but laundry lists of movies.

Can't see what harm this guy is doing by posting this. For all his effort, he deserves a little less criticism of the length of his post, and a lot more discussion of what he has said. That's something else that's lacking around here a lot of the time.