It's been awhile since I've done one of these, so I figured I'd list some movies that I've seen lately and try to get some discussion going. This'll be the sort of thread that everyone can say what they've watched recently. I'm not too good about going into the plots of the movies, so I'll keep these simple. If anyone's annoyed by these, just let me know, and I won't do anymore of them. If not, here we go!
Death Wish 3: Wow. Just.. wow. Exceeded my expected levels of badness and then some. Bad on every single level imaginable. Hilariously bad, but sometimes entertaining. To me, the beginning dragged just a little bit too much. But towards the end, Charlie Bronson and his not-so-badass crew decided to take matters into their own hands and started to mow the criminals down. This was when the movie started to pick up a little. Overall, Bronson is the best part about this movie. Oh yeah, and seeing Bill from the Bill and Ted movies as one of the villains was hilarious. I would only recommend this to those who can stand and laugh at bad action movies. Otherwise, sane people stay far away.
Street Knight: After seeing the Perfect Weapon, and thinking it to be one of the best and underappreciated American action movies in the 90s, I was excited when I picked up the next Jeff Speakman movie that came out after the Perfect Weapon. Boy, was I wrong. To keep it simple, this movie was awful. Absolutely nothing happens until the last ten minutes. And by then, you won't care. Nobody should care. Definitely not recommended if you're expecting action. If you want a riveting story that involves gangs, still don't see it. Just stay away.
Rage: Gary Daniels has his fair share of hatred on this board, which is understandable. He wasn't the best choice for Kenshiro in the live action Fist of the North Star movie, but he does have moves and talent. Just not in the acting category. Anyways, this movie was absolutely INSANE. Some of the craziest stunts you will ever see in an American movie. I was floored by the stunts, they were that good. The action was cool, the stunts great, but the rest of the movie was worthless. Recommended for the handful of fans that Daniels has (myself included), and for action junkies.
The Guyver: Kooshmeister had a great review of this live action movie, so go to his thread to see a rundown. I'm sure a lot of people have seen this movie, so I'll get to the point. It was weird. Michael Berryman is in it. Jimmy Walker is annoying. But Steve Wang did a good job overall, IMO. Weird, but enjoyable nonetheless.
Shanghai Knights: I missed this in the theaters, so I've been looking forward to catching it on DVD. Having enjoyed Shanghai Noon quite a bit, my expectations were pretty high. That, and Donnie Yen is in the movie, which boosted expectations even more. Overall, I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. I won't compare it to Shanghai Noon, because honestly, I don't know which one I enjoyed more. Shanghai Knights, however, is one goofy movie. That being said, the action is pretty decent, but the fight with Donnie Yen was woefully short. I'll have to check out the extras to see what all they deleted. Overall, not enough Donnie Yen, but enough comedy and action to keep my interest. Recommended for people who enjoyed Shanghai Noon, and for people who aren't jaded Jackie Chan fans of old who still thinks he should be jumping off of castles to please us fans.
The Returner: I don't know how many people have heard of this movie, so I'll keep it short. It's a recent Japanese offering that stars Takeshi Kaneshiro as a Neo-type badass. Rip offs of the Matrix, the Terminator, E.T., and Clockstoppers ensues. A weird combination of movies, I know, but the Returner is great. Cool action, and an interesting Sci-Fi premise. A very interesting and visually impressive movie. Definitely recommended.
Cradle 2 the Grave: Being a huge Jet Li, Mark Dacascos, and Joel Silver fan, I couldn't miss this movie in the theaters. Yes, it was cheesy, but I enjoyed it. That being said, I got the DVD yesterday and popped it in. Still enjoyable, but less so. The highlights are Jet Li and Mark Dacascos, and Gabrielle Union and Kelly Hu for eye candy. The fights are cool, but the director has an annoying habit of splicing different action scenes together, which interrupts the flow of an otherwise cool battle between Jet Li and a million UFC fighters in a cage. Definitely a turn off your brain type of movie. Chances are, if you didn't like Romeo Must Die and/or Exit Wounds, just stay away. And if you don't like DMX saying motherf**ker or f**k and screaming every other word, then stay far away. I'd say it's probably worth a rental to most, although I enjoyed it enough to buy it.
The Legend of the Red Dragon: Simply insane. Action every 5-10 minutes, including a 9 year old kid who constantly stands on Jet Li's shoulder and could kick every one of our asses in real life. The worst, yet best dubbing I've ever heard. The guy who did Jet Li's voice pauses more than Bill Shatner when talking. Every sentence.. is like.. this. Hilarious. I have no idea what this movie was called in HK, but I snagged the Columbia Tristar DVD at an insanely cheap price. And I don't regret it. Recommended with a group of people, or with alcohol, or simply if you like your Kung Fu movies with an odd sense of humor, both intentional and unintentional. Not surprisingly, it's directed by Wong Jing.
Well, there it is. I realize the list's a little long, but any comments/opinions are certainly welcome. Let's hear what everyone else has been watching as well.
Nick
I saw DEATH WISH 3 during its theatrical release. I couldn't believe how bad it was. It looked like they rushed through it, and quickly edited it together into a complete mess. It looked like an amateur production.
I still haven't recovered.
I love that one....especially The Giggler. I remember my grandpa rented it one Thanksgiving--it was one of those old RCA Videodiscs that they used to have.
I saw HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES today....loved the DVD menu screens, the movie itself was only okay. Lots of overacting, etc....there was too much overkill so near the end the shocking scenes don't have a lot of impact. I liked some of it, though. Not a bad movie, but just worth a rental.
I liked SHANGHAI NOON and DEATH WISH. Seen both at the theaters.
Well, I was home all day except for some tennis this evening. My wife was watching a Greta Garbo marathon on TCM today so I seen CONQUEST which is a movie about Napoleon and it's a good one. I've seen 6 films involving Napoleon and the Napoleonic Wars. Here's a list from my favorite first:
1) Waterloo (Rod Stieger)
2) Conquest
3) Adventures of Gerald
4) War and Peace
5) Desiree (Brando)
6) Napoleon (Orson Welles)
Seen two other Garbo films one was Silent (don't know the name) and the other was MATA HARI.
Western Channel showed a couple films earlier also, but I was couldn't watch them.
10 WANTED MEN (1955) - Looked like a good Western film starring Randolf Scott, but the music was like from a 30's Western. They have also been showing 7TH CAVALRY lately starring Randolf Scott.
CHEYENNE AUTUMN - John Ford directed and it was on my list for viewing, but missed it. What I did see looked bad with Ricardo Monteblan as an Indian and some unreal backgrounds. Shot in a studio I guess. Some of the dialogue wasn't bad, so I'll try to catch it later.
Not too recently seen, but still worth mentioning are the following movies I watched.
Reign in Darkness. As bad as this movie is, I liked it. It's about some disease that turns people into vampires. The disease infects one of the researcher/scientist/secret agent people who are trying to cure the disease, or transfer it to people to see its effect on them, or something like that. Then he randomy kills people for their blood, being under the influence of the disease and not realizing what he is doing, and is chased around the town by fellow scientists/bounty hunters/whatever, one of them being a poorly depicted American with a silly/faux accent. Lots of computer animated blood, and violence. This movie has many problems with it (like the speech near the end which lasts roughly six days), however, it was still enjoyable for me to see.
Starfire Mutiny. Only recommended for those, like me, who enjoy even the worst of the worst. This movie easily gets a skull rating for its horrible acting (including someones overacting which in no way counter-balances everybody elses bad acting), horrible writing (look on the IMDb and you'll see this so called "writer" has done a lot of bad stuff, most notably being Time Runner), incomprehensible plot, bad direction, and characters you want to see come face to face with an enraged Riki Oh. This movie seems to have been made strictly to hurt the viewer. The only entertainment you'll get from watching this is your own clever riffs directed towards the screen MST3K style. I think it takes place on a space ship where some people free some prisoner from somewhere and kill the other prisoners in the regular gratuitous manor. This freed prisoner, who was put in prison for unspeakable crimes (at least I don't remember the movie ever mentioning why he was in prison) becomes the most bland and unlikable villian in cinematic history. What does he do that is so villianess you ask? I don't remember and I don't care. Then there are some other people who do other things and they try to stop the main villian and his henchpeople from doing something. Nothing happens and the characters are all monumentally stupid. This movie is kind of like Space Mutiny I guess except that it has no action and was made in 2002. Direct to video, go figure. Now that I think about it, the movie probably does mention why that one guy was in prison, but that is as forgetable as the rest of this movie is. This small review of mine makes more sense than the movie does, I assure you.
Jesus, I couldn't imagine seeing Death Wish 3 at the theater. Talk about a surreal experience. I guess it's just 'cuz movies like that don't come out too often in theaters today. Either way, I'm sure seeing Death Wish 3 was an eye opening experience in just how crappy sequels can be.
As for House of 1,000 Corpses, I don't think I've heard of a movie recently that has that big of a split for people who like it/people who can tolerate it/people who hate it. I guess it's just a movie that everyone has to rent to see whether they like it or not.
As for everyone else, sounds like you all had a pretty good movie watching experience. Except Rum.. yikes, that Starfire Mutiny movie sounds horrid, LOL.
Nick
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Demonicus. This is the worst Full Moon Production film out there... and that's saying something. It starts with some students hiking in some mountainous place somewhere for some unknown reason, traveling in pairs. One pair, a boy and a girl, come across a cave, so naturally, the boy goes inside to explore. He finds a skeleton sitting on a pathetic throne (great place for it) with medieval weapons and armor around, or something like that. Why nobody has found this cave before is beyond a mystery to me and from here on out is known to me as "that which will remain unasked". The student puts on a suit of bad wardrobe, picks up a sword, and starts his one man fantasy role playing existence. The very cheap crown/helmet he put on seems to possess the wearer into being an ignorant and mindless moron. He carries out acts of violent gratuitiness by killing the other students one-by-one. Why the director didn't just say "F**k it, you can have magical powers that cause everybody within a 1 mile radius to drop dead." to the possessed actor (being possessed in real life, because even though it takes all types of people to make up this world, no human being would ever act in a movie like this) and spare us with a useless hour or so of killings which don't help the movie in any way, is yet another thing that is beyond me. The possessed student seems to need the body parts of the helpless/worthless victims to revive the thing on the throne. Throw in an unseen Chimera, a wispfully dimwitted dork, and some other boring or obnoxious people and you get the rest of Demonicus. This is the only B-movie that I hate in all etirety.
just saw 'wrong turn' at the cinemas yesterday, and found myself laughing very hard at the sheer stupidity. it didn't even try to recover any respect whatsover by making it a b-grade flick with loads of gore, just an average wannabe a-grade horror film, that barely passed.
i didn't even remember the character's names until right at the end of the movie
how disturbing :P
Of the movies you mention, I have only seen "Rage" and "Legend of the Red Dragon".
I liked "Rage". For a while a local TV showed lots and lots of those Pepin / Merhi stuff, most starring people like Don "The Dragon" Wilson or Daniels. "Rage" would be easily the only one I liked. The plot is ridiculous and so is the acting, but the action is quite good (I remember for instance a decent truck chase, and the climatic fight in the skycraper's rooftop) and it never stops.
What can I say about "Legend of the Red Dragon"? It is just great. Lots of silly dialogue (my favourite bits would be the "elephant drop" bit or a stone-faced Jet Li explaining that not wearing underwear... feels cooler) and some truly amazing martial arts stunts make one of the best films I've seen Jet Li in.
This time around, the movies I picked were more enjoyable.
First off I watched Ways of Kung Fu. Nothing special with this one. Nothing really sticks out, but it is still enjoyable to watch if you like this type of movie. I would give it a three slime rating. I wish I could tell more about it, but it is kind of forgetable, especially when watching another Kung Fu movie right after it.
Next I watched Drunken Arts & Crippled Fist. Slightly more enjoyable and memerable. Some problems with dubbing (two people say the same line twice in a row), which makes me wonder if it was like that in its original language. This movie would also get a three slime rating. You get to see a few familiar fighting styles, including Monkey Fist! overall an enjoyable film with a little bit more fighting than my first pick.
Something I learned from this movie: Your head does not make for a good weapon.
The third movie was a bit of a change in pace. Werewolf. There you have it. There actually is much to say about this film, but why bother. It wasn't horrible in my opinion, but certainly bad enough to be made into an MST3K episode, one that I haven't seen yet. I would rate this two slimes, though only for knowing what special stuff to listen and look for.
Something I learned from this movie: A full moon will last almost an entire week.
There will be more to come soon.
One I'd have to recomend is Ice from The Sun. While low budget indie horror, it's one of the most original flicks I've ever seen. If you can withstand the MTV style flashes and edits, it's both creative and violent.
http://imdb.com/Title?0151022
Read the above IMDB article, and reviews to get a better idea about this wonderful little gem.
Neville, I agree with you completely about Rage and Legend of the Red Dragon. Both enjoyable movies in their own unique ways.
Ah, kung fu. There's a way to spend a night watching movies. I don't think I've heard of either of those kung fu movies, Rum. Any known guys in them, or were they pretty much independent movies from the 70s?
I'll have to check out Ice from the Sun, Jack. Sounds interesting.
I've had a few ups and downs lately with my viewings:
First, I watched a movie called Fifty/Fifty. It's your usual Cannon type action film with Peter Weller (ROBOCOP, aka THE MAN) and that guy from the Airplane! movies. It's sort of like a Lethal Weapon buddy comedy/Rambo rip-off. That guy from Airplane! and Weller are buddies that help a fledgling nation defeat a ruler that's been bullying them. They whip the army into shape and blow stuff up for most of the running time. Overall, a cool movie, definitely a pleasant surprise for me. I enjoyed it a lot, although it could be considered a guilty pleasure. I thought Weller was good in a comedic role for a change and him and that Airplane! guy played off one another well. It was pretty funny in some parts. Picked the movie up for a dollar at a local store. Best dollar I've spent in awhile, recommended.
Then I watched Redline/Deathline. God, this movie was horrible. I consider myself a pretty big Rutger Hauer/Mark Dacascos fan, and, despite the scathing reviews on IMDB.com, I figured I'd snag it when I saw it for a buck. Bad move. The only redeeming qualities of this movie are Dacascos, Hauer, and the naked female assassins. Speaking of naked, this is probably as close to a porno/action flick as you can get. Female nudity every couple of minutes, literally. Although this was particularly enjoyable, the rest of the movie was excruciating. Rutger's on cruise control. Dacascos has nothing to do. No involving action or a decent plot to string things along. Just the typical revenge crap. Just stay away, stay far away.
Wanted Dead or Alive. Another Rutger Hauer vehicle, this time, with Gene Simmons as the bad guy. Decent movie overall, a good little timewaster. Pretty interesting seeing the dorky dad from Boy Meets World cussing up a storm and hanging with Rutger. Rutger plays a bounty hunter, which is pretty cool. Of course he's chasing after Simmons, who doesn't do too bad of a job. Some action, but not a whole lot. But never truly boring, especially if you're a fan of Hauer. Overall, I'd put it fairly high on the Rutger Hauer movie ladder. Probably right under the Hitcher. Recommended.
Daimajin. I saw the first Daimajin movie, and overall, it was good. Very cool FX for the time period. Pretty much a samurai-themed drama until the big guy comes to life and starts stomping. Thanks for all of the recommendations given here, I enjoyed the movie a lot. Recommended, if you're a fan of monster/kaiju movies, and don't mind the monster showing up the last 25 minutes of the movie.
Code of Silence. Starring Chuck Norris, a personal favorite of mine, despite having legions of fans who hate him. This is easily one of Chuck's best (yeah yeah, I know, that's not really a glowing praise). A real unexpected surprise. Chuck acts with zero enthusiasm throughout the movie, which is part of his charm. A little slow in the beginning, but once the movie picks up.. cool stuff. A car chase, a brutal bar fight, and an awesome showdown finale with Chuck and a shotgun. What more could you possibly want? Highly recommended, for Chuck fans only. If you can't stand the guy, then this won't convert you.
That's all for now. Keep the movies coming!
Nick
As far as I know Dolph, they are mostly just 70'sand 80's Kung Fu stars, although some were in quite a few movies and might seem vaguely familiar.
Next up for my enjoyable recent movie viewings is called Bastard Kung Fu Master. Now I'm not one for drinking games because I don't drink, however I bet you could make a game of it from drinking whenever someone says "bastard" in Kung Fu films. This movie is no exception. The movie is very good in my opinion and worth four slimes. It has good fighting and a good sense of humor (as does most other kung fu movies). I wish I could remember these movies right after I've viewed them, although it has been 12 hours or so. Sorry I can't provide more about it. If you're into Kung Fu movies, this is one you will probably enjoy.
Something I learned from this movie: A slice in your hand makes it impossible to jerk off. (sorry everyone, thats the only thing I could remember from this movie that would fit in the "Something I learned from this movie" section)
After that was 2000 Maniacs, all related to the director no doubt. The film has a very Manos : The Hands of Fate feel to it in certain parts, and as most people know, that is not a good thing. The movie itself is not a good thing. Being a huge fan of B-movies esp. the really bad ones, I wish I could fall at least in the underpopulated category of indifference towards this movie, but I can't. This movie just wasn't enjoyable enough. It's not that the movie was poorly made, badly acted, had annoying music and bad sound (as for those things, I keep in mind when it was made and understand), it was too boring. Two slimes for 2000 Maniacs.
Something I learned from this movie: Quick sand is actually very dirty water
Lastly I watched Bad Channels. It was my second viewing of this movie, and actually not as enjoyable as my first (because I wasn't also playing cards at the time). I'm not a fan of music of any kind, so this movie wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been. I did however get a kick out of the Manic Depresso part. I give it only two slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Robots are real living things.
Post Edited (08-22-03 02:19)
Rumyungsonson your right about 2000 Maniacs being boring. It has moments, but as a film its bad.
Scott wrote:
> Rumyungsonson your right about 2000 Maniacs being boring. It
> has moments, but as a film its bad.
>
Yeah. You have to be in the right mood to watch 2000 MANIACS. In fact, you have to be in the right mood to watch just about any H.G. Lewis movie. I have most of them on DVD, and I dig one out every now & then on a Saturday night. At least 2000 MANIACS is a fairly short movie. Try watching A TASTE OF BLOOD, which has a 2 hour running time, and is mostly people sitting around talking.
I recently ordered the double feature DVD of THIS STUFF'L KILL YA and YEAR OF THE YAHOO . . . I'm sure that these movies are pretty boring. But I love H.G. Lewis anyway. I don't know why.
Have you ever noticed that many of his movies include scenes of people standing in front of a KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN restaurant or eating KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN? Lewis must have had an ongoing product placement deal with KFC. Colonel Sanders even appears in one of his movies . . . I can't remember which one.
Post Edited (08-20-03 08:48)
Before I begin, I would like to do a quick impression for those who are familiar with Reign of Darkness. My impression of David Allen and Kel Dolen: "You know, our writing is so damn good, we should feature a lot of it in narrational form in our movie." Yep, I watched it again (with a friend this time) and as mentioned before, for some strange reason, I like it. I give it three slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: The U.S. Marines teach you how to use nunchucks.
Iron Monkey was another movie I watched recently (my second viewing) and it is very enjoyable. I give it four slimes for great fighting and great costumes.
Something I learned from this movie: Blood looks a lot like thick tomato soup.
Return of the Living Dead part II. As far as Zombie movies go, this one is quite a let down. It just isn't good (which can be okay for a zombie movie), and isn't enjoyable (which can't be okay for, um, any movie). The zombies are ridiculous, and the characters are not appealing. Come on now, zombies that talk, and have memory? Not good. Its humor is also, well, non-existant. It does feature that one guy from Alien From L.A. and Friday the 13th part VI, which made it somewhat enjoyable, but otherwise, a total flop of a movie. The premise itself isn't that interesting either. Not to totally avoid because it is a zombie movie, however, I give it only one slime.
Something I learned from this movie: Even when braindead, you still have memory.
Iron Monkey II. Pretty good. The Iron Monkey is now an investigator who doesn't take kindly to those who don't answer his questions. He goes on an investigation in this movie (go figure) to find out who killed, uh, hmm, damn I don't remember and I just got done watching it too. Oh well, he finally is lead to the killer who happens to also know the art of monkey fist fighting. More good fighting. Lots of impalings too. I give it four slimes as well.
Something I learned from this movie: Twisting someone's arm makes the same sound as punching someone.
Lastly I got to see Story of Ricky. This movie is awesome! I love it. I finally got a copy of it which made me very happy. As if that wasn't enough, the DVD features the trailer to my all-time favorite movie: Last Hurrah For Chivalry. It also featured the trailer of Duel to the Death, which I have been waiting to see for quite a while. Story of Ricky has now become my third favorite movie, ranking just before Dead Alive. Easily five slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Stairs are quite difficult to walk down.
>Come on now, zombies that talk, and have memory?
The Zombies in the first and third ones talked as well. Remember when the young guy finally died, became a zombie and chased his girlfriend while asking to eat her brain. And who can forget "Send more paramedics."
I haven't seen any other Return of the Living Dead movie, and frankly, I'm beginning to think I'm not missing anything... zombie movie or not.
>I haven't seen any other Return of the Living Dead movie, and frankly, I'm
>beginning to think I'm not missing anything... zombie movie or not.
When you think about it, all zombies have to retain some memory, or else they wouldn't remember how to walk.
In Day of the Dead, aren't they explained to have instinct? This would explain why they eat humans when they don't need to, and know how to walk. Unfortunately, it seems the zombies also demonstrate the ability to remember in that movie, since Bub used a gun for example. I still think it's rediculous, but that's just my opinion. I guess I just don't understand how something that has been in the state of braindeath for awhile could ever retain memory. Oh well.
All That Jazz (1979)
Fairly loosly based on aspects of his own life, director/choreographer Bob Fosse directed this awesome song and dance (with the accent on dance) drama, sprinkled lightly with ironic humor and fantasy touches. IMHO, Joe Gideon is one of Roy Scheider's best roles, and he give one of his best performances. The chorus of dancers, which includes Sandahl Bergman (who previously had been in a few Fosse shows including 1978's Dancin' ), is excellent in their talents as well as appealing. The female characters interactions with Gideon are inexplicable, yet you understand - He screws around with their emotions, yet they still love him or at least respect him opinion because he's a lovable guy that knows what he's talking about. The cast is filled with many familiar actors in wonderful character roles (or in Ann Reinking's case - a character loosely based on her) including Jessica Lange, Max Wright (the dad from ALF), Cliff Gorman, Fosse regular Ben Vereen, and John Lithgow among others. It is also very much a documentation of the late '70s, but in a strange way nothing looks silly or horribly dated. All That Jazz won and was nominated for numerous Academy as well as BAFTA awards. I truly feel it's an underrated, and maybe even forgotten film in some circles. I highly recommend it.
A Clockwork Orange. What is it about this movie that so many people like. I just don't understand at all. It is so boring. I couldn't even figure out the plot until over half way through this unnecessarily long movie, which is certainly not a good thing. I think the main character was the most annoying person in this film, especially at the end when he felt for some reason he should eat like a moron. Not good in any way. One slime for this piece of crap.
Something I learned from this movie: People with five chins should not smile.
Deathstalker IV: Match of the Titans. What a breath of almost fresh air. This was certainly much more enjoyable than A Clockwork Orange was. I had only seen Deathstalker III before this, and that was by way of MST3K, and in all fairness, Deathstalker IV is only slightly better. Even though this movie is so bad, it is done in such a cheese mannor that it makes watching this film quite enjoyable. The movie is based around some tournament that Deathstalker joins, and that is about it. You get to see scenes from Deathstalker III and probably also the first two movies. Deathstalker apparently had his magical sword switched with someone elses durring movie number three and found out that it was being kept at the tournament. He goes with some female kind of warrior companion where they battle others one-on-one in a not really exciting manor. No, the sword fighting is not real good in this movie either. Ator could easily kick Deathstalker's ass, especially when Deathstalker is played by John Allen Relson, er I mean, Nelson. As silly and stupid as this movie is, I surprised myself when I found myself laughing at a part that was supposed to be funny. Strange. At any rate, this movie is worth three slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Petrification is really thinly disguised bad make-up.
The Barbarians... 1987 style. Wow, what a movie. This one is even dumber than Deathstalker IV. Twins star as barbarians in this one. As far as being mindless and brainless, I have never seen barbarianism portrayed so very well. I mean these two are rock stupid. They also happen to make a very annoying noise when ever they are getting strangled, see a topless female, getting kissed by a female, or ripping arms off of monsters. The first time I heard this movie mention dragon I thought to myself "well Dragonslayer was made around this time, so maybe their dragon will look good as well". Hell no! This is quite possibly the most rediculous looking dragon I have ever seen in a movie. This movie also features Richard Lynch as the main villian. I guess I just haven't had enough Lynch recently. This is only the second time I have seen him in a movie and I must say, he isn't that bad of an actor. Any actor who can say nose to anus with a straight face can't be all wrong. I had a difficult time following the plot of this movie mainly because its stupidity was drawing me in. I just couldn't get over how dumb those barbarians were. Amazing. Two slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Always remember to turn the safety off before using a crossbow.
Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy. I have come to the sad realization that mummies can never possibly be scary. They are the slowest moving monsters in existence (next to the Creeping Terror) and yet they continue to kill many people. What gives. I can't even say "well the mummy was attacking elderly and disabled people so I guess it could catch up" because it killed mostly college students in this movie, and not 50's college students whose age averages 50 anyway. The only way this one manages to catch up to it's victims is my moving silently. A zombie could kick a mummie's ass any day is what I guess I'm trying to say. Now onto the movie. After viewing this film, I believe it belongs back on the bottom 100 list at the IMDb. No less then 50% of this movie is somebody looking for somebody. That is no way to do, well, any movie. The plot is dumb in its own way which I can certainly overlook, however, the movie is just too slow of a pace for me. I couldn't enjoy this movie much at all. The killings are horribly done. You never get to see it happen because the cinematographer is too busy focusing on a leg or something. It has "A Full Moon Production" written all over it, however, oddly enough, it isn't. If you like this movie, I recommend you try finding Being From Another Planet aka Time Walker. I have no idea which film is worse. One slime for this bomb (still, it was more enjoyable then A Clockwork Orange)
Something I learned from this movie: Slicing someone repeatedly with a blade produces a lot of blood, but no wounds.
Beyond Dream's Door. Let's see here, someone who hasn't dreamed since he was a child, starts dreaming again. He apparently is able to bring some sort of monster out of his dreams and draw others into his dream land of make-believe and misfortune. Everyone (important to the movie) he comes across ends up dying by some semi-giant skinless mutant dog which looks awesome. This is one of the best looking monst- okay I lied. Its silly looking, but definately in a good way. The main character finds some book that has a psychosis case just like his in it which the monster wants back I think. Something happens to the book but the main character (names in this movie are superfluous) manages to keep a very important page. Everyone dies except the main character who gets trapped by the monster doggie. However, he trapped the monster on the other side of some trapdoor to some building so everything turns out okay at the end of the movie. This was one confusing film. I'll be kind and give it a three slime rating.
Something I learned from this movie: Many psychosis cases involve running showers.
Black Eagle's Blade. Average kung fu flick. My biggest complaint is that this film's subtitles didn't fit my 32" screen. This made following the movie very difficult, so I basically watched the movie and ignored the words. The opening credits tune is very catchy, and this is coming from someone who doesn't like music. I couldn't help but whistle along with it each time it came on. The first ten minutes is the best part of the movie which is okay because the rest of the movie doesn't go downhill, it just isn't quite as good. Just like almost every other kung fu movie, a guy gets robbed, well, almost robbed, in the beginning of the film. He happens to have... oh forget it. I couldn't follow the words well enough to understand the movie all together, and if I was going to explain this movie to anyone in a way that would make it seem like I knew what was going on, I would have to watch it a few more times. Overall it's an average Kung Fu movie (meaning it's good) and it has a catchy tune in the beginning that is played several times in the first ten minutes at odd times. I guess any midget in a kung fu movie is worth mentioning, and I couldn't help but laugh when I saw him for the first time, and the last time, and basically any other time. Three slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Midgets can die from someone falling on them.
That is all for now. There should be some more soon because I want to see as many B-movies before going to boot camp as possible. After 091503 I'll be gone for quite a while.
A Clockwork Orange. -Thought the ending was maybe too subtle and maybe not as profound as the director wanted it to be
The Barbarians... - Oh, amn was tis some mindless silly fun. Gotta love the animatronic dragon (who has a gig at a Chuck.E.Cheese pizza place these days..plays bass) I think the people making this movie had a heck of a lot of fun and the twins did have some good quips, and Richard Lynch is still one creepy looking dude
I have come to the sad realization that mummies can never possibly be scar
Mummies really only work well in an older style of horror based on suspense and unknown dark shadows.
Night of the Scarecrow. Here's your straw monster. Your typical killer scarecrow movie, except this one gets possessed by the spirit of a warlock from red lightning from the ground. As the scarecrow, he goes and kills people who would know where his book of magic spells is at which he wants back. Why does he kill all the people who know where the book is at? It doesn't matter, the director found an internal loophole in the movie. Well, a not too bright relative of one of the killed and her newly met boyfriend get the book out of its hiding because it has the secret of how to destroy the warlock once and for all. They learn of this from a priest relative who tells them of the warlock and the founding of their town (one of her killed relatives is the town mayor). In this story telling, accompanied by scenes, we get to see a highly gratuitous orgy involving people in their 50's or so, very disgusting and just plain wrong. Yuck. Anyway, they get the book and find out that they need to destroy the bones of the warlock which are kept in the ground where the lightning came from. What gets me is that they know the warlock/scarecrow is after the book, so when they find out how to stop it, why don't they destroy the book? But that's not important to a writer or director. Brutal killings and the like; I'm sure you can guess how it ends. A generous three slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Straw is very sharp.
Grim. Okay, bare with me. Apparently, the demon that Bob Jackass summoned in Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders moved to some cave somewhere, where it takes people with it back to the cave by moving through walls. How can the people move through walls as well? Who cares. Certainly not the director. Some people doing something in the cave walk around. They walk around. They continue to walk around. In a very important turning point in the movie, they walk around some more. These people are walking, walking around. After walking around for forty minutes or so, they walk around some more. But this time, some get taken by Grim. Some of the people go psycho for no reason. I was waiting (and hoping) for these people to walk into Troy and Zap; no such luck. Grim, on the other hand, has dumb looking Pumaman vision, only its fuzzy. Grim kills people (who knows why), and keeps others alive (who knows why). Grim gets crushed by boulders, but comes back for more. I don't remember how it ends, and I don't care. The ending credits come about an hour too late. This film proves that movies can exist without a plot. I found myself laughing many times at the horrendousness of this movie which is the only thing that kept me from giving it a skull rating. One slime.
Something I learned from this movie: Torches can burn for a hell of a long time.
Gor. I have seen Outlaw (of Gor) from MST3K, and I couldn't help but wonder while watching this film, why the crew didn't riff this movie before it, or at all for that matter. Cabbot has a ring from his dad or granddad which has him transport to the world of Gor. There we get to see just as much almost nudeness from both males and females, bad sword fighting, and much more. The midget is in it as are other familiar faces from the sequel, except for Cabbot's very obnoxious Earth friend. That's a plus. There actually was one very cool part in this movie. The main villan gets an arrow through the neck (which we get to see relatively close up) and it looked real to me. That was awesome. The rest of the movie, while being better then Outlaw of Gor, isn't that good. Three slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Midgets can't see in well lit caves (my b-movie midget knowledge is almost complete).
From Beyond. Hurray, a good b-movie. This movie was a lot of fun. So many familiar names from Jeffrey Combs, to Bunny Summers, and the guy from Dawn of the Dead to mention a few. The only thing this movie is missing is Bruce Abbot, oh well. Based off a story by H.P. Lovecraft, this movie involves a machine that enlarges the pinial gland which has sixth sense powers, and when turned on, you get to see air swimming wormy things with teeth and mutant looking jellyfish. The creator of the machine gets his head twisted off, by a only-with-sixth-sense-can-you-see monster thing. Jeffrey is his assistant and he is rushed to some psycho/mental hospital somewhere (forget what they're called). A scientist convinces a police officer that Jeff isn't crazy, and he is released under her supervision. They go back to the machine with DotD's Peter where the scientist tries to prove he isn't crazy by finding out what the machine does. They meet a slightly new and improved inventor of the machine (I have a lot of trouble with names) who is naked. This review is already to long so I'll sum up. Scientist girl become erotic, Jeffrey eats brains, and I forget, yet again, how this movie ends. Watch it to find out for yourself. Four slimes.
Something I learned from this movie: Beautiful also means cheesy.
Hangar 18. I found that this movie, like Night of the Blood Beast, has too many Steves. The beginning of this movie involves a space ship launching a satelite into a UFO, which crash lands in Arizona or Texas. After that, there is a whole lot of talk. I thought during the talk that this movie was something I rented by mistake. I was proven wrong later. The movie continually tells us which city each scene is in (which is okay), and what time it is (really doesn't matter). The aliens are humanoids and the human race is its children. The alien language looks pretty cool, for an 80's sci fi movie. There are some good car crashes in the movie, when the government chases NASA people. They try to find out about the UFO and the government tries to cover it up. The UFO is being kept in Hangar 18 and the film ends with a jet crashing into the Hangar. Not that bad. Probably why it didn't end up on MST3K's season 3. Two slimes because the talk was too long.
Something I learned from this movie: Explosions in space cause decapitations.
Last but not least (because of Grim) Bram Stoker's The Mummy. It should be The Mummies because I believe there were at least three different mummies. Some different but familliar faces in this movie. One of the strange things in this movie is that some of the characters die more then once. Well, not only are mummies not scarry, but they also lead the most boring existence. They just stand around. This film also has curses which can cause doors to shut on their own among other things. Again too much writing. I don't even want to take the time to do a short summary, although I will mention that the ending was paticularly bad. One slime.
Something I learned from this movie: You can't get fresh air from being outside.