First of all, I'd like to state for the record that I enjoy B movies as much as the next guy. I love a little bit of cheese with my choice of films now and then. Hell, I could probably do WITHOUT so much dairy in my cinematic diet. That said, the last few days have brought on an onslaught of HORRIBLE movies.
First up was "Phantom of the Paradise". I know that some people absolutely love this movie, but I couldn't get over how amazingly stupid it all seemed. There's something about Paul Williams as the devil (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) that just doesn't work for me. I kept waiting for Kermit the Frog to pop up and sing "Rainbow Connection". And I don't want to see a movie with a character named Swan in it unless I'm watching "The Warriors". Anyway, I chuckled a little and bemoaned the fact that I'd wasted my time with this one.
The next night, however, I found myself watching "The Apple". Thank you, Golan and Globus, for showing me a future in which disco rules the world. If "Swan" is a bad name for an antagonist, "Mr. Boogaloo" is downright insulting. At one point during the female lead's big sad, weepy ballad type piece of crap song, she intones "Alfie...I wish I was dead" or some such s**t. I remember thinking "Yes Bibi...I wish you were dead too". This one actually made me angry over how bad it was.
Everything that was craptastic about "The Apple" was immeadiately forgotten when I popped in the DVD my best friend gave me for Christmas last night. Apparently my buddy thought it would be a good idea to saddle me with Troma's "Buttcrack". Part of me wishes I'd stayed awake through this travesty to share my experiences with you. The more sympathetic part of me doesn't want to do that to you guys, because you seem like pretty good people for the most part. All I remember is that some guy in an ugly shirt with a bad haircut killed his fat roommate because the guy wouldn't pull his pants up, and then the fat roommate's sister brought him back to life. And "rockabilly legend" Mojo Nixon chews up the scenery by screaming about God a lot. And I learned that God is in urine. So, apparently, is Satan.
Anyway, I'm expecting "Versus" and "Wild Zero" to show up in the mail sometime this weekend. I hope to God that the movies I choose to watch get better. I don't even want to know what could be worse than "Buttcrack".
Matt,
Don't worry about Versus. You'll have a frigging blast with that flick! Nearly two hours of non stop zombie/yakuza/kung fu action. I do hope you ordered the unrated version though.
Enjoy.
I feel your pain Matt. My wife's 2nd favorite movie of all time is "The Apple". She used to talk about this movie constantly and was always trying to find a copy of it. Well, last year she did find a copy and I was forced to watch it. I sat there in disbelief that A) Anyone could like this movie B) Anyone would admit to liking this movie C) These idiots actually wasted film to make it.
Oh, the horror...the horror...