Christmas is one of the few times of year my editor actually asks me for a bad movie review. News gets really slow for a couple of weeks. So, it's become an annual tradition that I review a bad Christmas movie. Problem is, I'm running out.
I've done Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Mexican Santa Claus, The Star Wars Holiday Special and Santa with Muscles. Last year, I did Gamera vs. Guiron, because Gamera is jolly, round, flies through the air, and kids love him. Now, I'm stuck once again, and need suggestions.
Only a couple of rules - the movie needs to be an absolute cheesefest, not merely a bad Christmas movie, and I don't particularly want to get into Christmas slashers. So no Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Suggestions?
Have you seen "The Christmas Martian"? It's a really weird family movie I saw on TV a few years ago. Worth seeking out.
I don't think I can help you in this department. The closest I can come is
Son of Godzilla (spoiler ending warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) : What? The ending has Godzilla and his son covered in snow at the end, ho ho ho ho anybody? And the giant Spider Spiga's webbing looks like something you can have fun with at a christmas party or....
Godzilla's Revenge: It's got stock footage battles plus the new fight scene with Gabera monster, plus a story line about a kid and two lame crooks, Minia talking (so cool! Best parts of the movie are with this guy talking!) AND a guy get's white paint all over his body at the end HA HA! I mean this movie has so much stuff in it it's like an entire christmas tree complete with presents!
I'll look around my video collection and my MST3K collection and see if there's anything at least REMOTELY Christmasly.
Maybe Jingle all the Way (haven't seen it but didn't look to neat or good.)
Jeremy Creek: The Town That Forgot Christmas --
Animated. Was supposed to become an annual thing eg: Frosty the Snowman, or whatever. Lots of big name stars involved. Dick VanDyke narrarates.
Apparently very bad -- nobody watched it. Those who did watch it, hated it. Recent -- late 80's/early 90's. Don't know who has it or where it's available, but it did run on network TV.
peter johnson/denny crane
Hey, remember watching that several years ago! I was like "Jermey Creek, why is that so familiar?" It was okay to me. The story went that a spoiled brat wanted a crap load more of toys (even though he already had a crap load of toys) and sends Santa a list. However Santa's elf's are dumbasses and think that Jeremy Creek is a litte poor town and they drop off Jermey's stuff at the town. Jeremy is really mad until he hears how the children of the town are happy about receiving all the toys and thus becomes more kind hearted (WOW!) EVIL has been defeated again! This might be a good one for AndyC but I think it's only half an hour long, maybe 45 minutes at the most.
Whoa -- really? I'm actually glad to hear that at least SOMEONE likes it, as it was a huge commercial failure -- I care because a couple of my friends did voices in it, and were really p**sed off when it didn't score with the ratings people/networks. Maybe it IS good then -- I don't know, I was working the only time it was shown in Colorado, so never saw it. Only really remember my friends' anguish at it going nowhere --
peter johnson/denny crane
Jaws The Revenge...unnecessary Sequal with even more unnecessary Christmas theme throughout
"Black Christmas".... nuff said ; )
"Christmas Evil"!
"Babes in Toyland" w/Keanu Reeves, Drew Barrymore and Pat Morita as the Toy Master!. Nuff Said!
I don't know the name of it, but when I was a kid in the early 70's they used to show this horrible movie where Jason Robbards was a drunken jerk who wouldn't buy the family a Christmas tree. He just would drink and tell his wife and daughter to shut up. (Talk about holliday fun!) I guess it was popular because there was more than one. I think the other one was Thanksgiving and he wouldn't get a turkey or maybe at Halloween he wouldn't buy a Jack O'Lantern..
I have to say, I had started reading the thread and thinking about it when I saw this suggestion. I think that AndyC's major problem is picking a silly Christmas movie that he can review without annoying all the "family readers" out there. The Barrymore "Babes in Toyland" is perfect. It is not a slasher, nor extreme in subject matter, but it is a really goofy holiday film.
All I had come up with was the European "Jack Frost" film with the "sampo" (or something like that) and "Gorath" as well. I believe the prior film's name is "Morozko" (1964).
Honestly, I had thought about "Elves," but that is something of a slasher. I'd also thought about one of the "Santo" films.
Although, I found this and it has my curiosity aroused:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0138074/
Would the 80s high profile bomb "Santa Claus: The Movie" work? Dudley Moore stars as an elf jealous of the glory Santa gets, and is lured away by an evil coporate toy company (headed by John Lithgow) to front a rival profit-driven gift giving operation. Was a notorious flop the year it came out, 1986 IIRC, due to the overkill of ads. Just as crass and phony as the bad guys in their own film.
"The Littlest Angel" (1969) - A made for TV musical starring Johnny Whitaker, Fred Gwynne, Cab Calloway, Connie Stevens, and Tony Randall. Shot on videotape with lots of bad video effects shots typical of the era. A shepherd boy dies when he falls from a cliff and wants to become an angel. Been years since I've seen it, but the mix of 60s era TV effects, musical numbers, aging mid-level stars, and the death of a child as the starting point for a Christmas story give the whole thing an air of being tacky and morbid at the same time.
Oh yeah Morozko I forgot about that one, that movie made GREAT episode of MST3K. So bad!
The Littlest Angel sounds like a good candidate if I can find it. Babes in Toyland is a good runner up.
Santa Claus: The Movie is probably a good backup (guarateed easy to find), except that the humour might be lost on most of the readers. I imagine there are a few sarcastic bastards like us buying the paper, but I'm mostly writing to a more general audience. The biggest challenge in this is not to come off as bashing a movie that some people actually like, or look like I'm just a geek picking apart an inferior movie. So far, I've mainly done films that are goofy enough that simply describing them is enough to make people laugh, and my comments are icing on the cake. Santa Claus could be a challenge, but I'll watch it and see what I can come up with. Maybe if I approach it from the right angle, turn the movie on its head, it could be good.
Post Edited (12-13-04 17:50)
did someone say Ernest Saves Christmas
You know, I'd considered that one year. I just don't remember if I did it or not. I'll have to check, but it might be a possibility. I kind of think it was just too goofy. Bad comedy is exceedingly hard to make fun of.
Post Edited (12-13-04 19:25)
How about The Night They Saved Christmas (http://imdb.com/title/tt0087797/combined) a 1984 TV movie starring Jaclyn Smith and Art Carney?
An oil company's blasting endangers Santa's city at the north pole. Jaclyn Smith and her kids find out about this and have to find a way to stop the oil company before they destroy Christmas. If I remember correctly, it features a rocket-powered sleigh. IMDB says it's available on tape from Amazon.
Two weeks ago I saw Troll 3 and was surprised - it came up to expectations!
This fantasy-movie is a firework display of bad taste and the mythical plot fits with christmas.
Here is the definitive answer:
THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T
When I was a kid, it used to come around to the movie theaters every year. They ran a saturation advertising campaign to convince all the gullible little kids to go see it.
It stars Rosanno Brazzi (from SOUTH PACIFIC . . . and later . . . FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE OF FREAKS . . . so, you can see what happened to his career . . . )
It has cheap-looking sets and miniatures (the town looks REALLY fake). Santa only has about 3 or 4 elves. And, to top it all off . . . it's DUBBED. When it was released on DVD a year or two ago, I bought a copy . . . and I was not disappointed. It' bad, but it's also a lot of fun to watch. See if you can find a copy!
Post Edited (12-15-04 05:43)
It's on DVD? Have you seen it in any particular store chain lately?
I'd dread going into Best Buy or Wal Mart this weekend, but a good, bad Christmas movie might be worth slipping in early Monday morning.
Wow. Just read the IMDB listing. Jaclyn Smith, Art Carney, June Lockhart and Paul Williams? A really idiotic plot with mom and kids defending Christmas magic from eeeevil corporate types? I love it. Of course, if I have to order it, I'll never get it in time. A good one for next year.
Funny that most of the comments on IMDB are from semi-literate people who think it's the best Christmas movie ever.
And here is the IMDB's plot Summary for "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (1966)"
"Sam Whipple, an attorney in once-upon-a-time-land, is startled to receive a visit from Santa Claus shortly before Christmas. It seems that when he was a child, Sam wrote a letter thanking Santa for the presents he'd received, and offering to return the favor someday. That day is now - a mean old soul named Phineas Prune, who holds the deed to the North Pole, is demanding back rent. Otherwise, he's going to evict Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves and take all the Christmas toys. It's up to Sam and Santa to find a way to pay off Prune and prevent Christmas from being canceled."
Post Edited (12-15-04 17:01)
Haven't had any luck in tracking down some of the titles suggested, at least not in time for this Christmas. Called around, and found Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July at a local video store. I don't think I've seen this since it came out, so I barely remember it, but it looks suitably bizarre. Anybody know if this would be a good candidate?
I'd like to change my recommendation for goofy Christmas movies. The other day I was flipping channels and ran across something so mind-boggling goofy (to me anyway), that it makes the Jaklyn Smith/Art Carney film look like a masterpiece in comparison. I didn't watch all of it, but what I saw had Kathy Ireland playing Santa Claus's daughter, Kristin Klaus, hopping in a sleigh pulled by 2-4 reindeer, including Rudolph sporting a big, red clown nose, and going for a ride through the air, where she's spotted by another woman who is driving/flying a rocket-powered car! It didn't even take place at the North Pole, but rather in a typical suburban neighborhood.
Apparently there are two movies in this series, Once Upon a Christmas (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0242848/combined) and the creatively titled Twice Upon a Christmas (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0298580/combined).
I don't believe either is available on tape (the IMDB page for Twice Upon a Christmas gives a link to a Warner Brothers animated film), but if you have access to the Hallmark channel, both are going to be on twice more, so you could always tape them for next year;
- Once Upon a Christmas - The daughter of Santa Claus must prove the spirit of Christmas.
Hallmark Channel, Saturday, December 25 11:00 AM
- Twice Upon a Christmas - When a widower proposes to Santa's daughter, his children try to discover the truth about her past.
Hallmark Channel, Saturday, December 25 1:00 PM
- Once Upon a Christmas - The daughter of Santa Claus must prove the spirit of Christmas.
Hallmark Channel, Saturday, December 25 11:00 PM
- Twice Upon a Christmas - When a widower proposes to Santa's daughter, his children try to discover the truth about her past.
Hallmark Channel, Sunday, December 26 1:00 AM
That does sound bizarre.
I've settled on Christmas in July, though, mainly out of convenience. I watched it Monday, and it will do fine. As soon as I saw the opening, in which Rudolph and Frosty approach each other and shake hands (as if to say 'we meet at last'), I knew what I was getting. Utterly cheesy, with the cast of an Irwin Allen movie, plot holes you could drive a sleigh through, and a story that reminds us that Rankin and Bass were working on their Tolkien cartoons around the same time. We laughed ourselves silly.