I was sent this list by a friend of mine, and thought it was fantastic. Some are a bit silly but some are down right hysterical!
Enjoy:
31 things you didn't know about Chuck Norris....
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have
felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F*cking."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean
to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him
with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox,
which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating
in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral s*x, KFC and Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has s*x on the first date. Always. The only time
he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,
B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy cr*p! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had s*x with him. At that point, she was the third
girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's sh*t.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
This reminds me of a story. Back in my uber-geeky days, during a rousing game of D&D, one of the players was asked which pantheon his character followed. He replied 'Norse' but pronounced it 'Norris'. After that whenever he was looking for devine intervention, he would cry out
'Chucky, Baby, I need a favour!'
That is hiliarious!
The thing that often draws me to watch Conan O'Brian is his Walker clip bit. He shows some hilarious clips on there.
That list is pretty funny, too. ;)
My favourite is the Law and Order one, or perhaps the ask him the time one.
Chuck Norris seems to be becoming the new Hasselhoff in terms of extreme cult followings, especially, it seems, after Dodgeball and his great 5 second cameo.
I edited a few out because they were a bit nasty, but the same friend from who emailed me in the first part gave me Chuck Norris Phase 2 which I present to you now:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
3. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris can p**s into gale force winds.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
13. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
14. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
17. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
19. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
20. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Check it out here: http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1 (http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1)
A class act. I could see some stars really taking offense at some of the more outrageous 'facts' but Norris takes it in good humour.
Also note his shrewd attempt to harness this publicity for his own purposes.
Wow, I can't believe I missed this in the original posting.
Quite funny Dean. I'm crying from laughing right now.
Thanks for the post!
Haha, no problems Skaboi, a friend of mine works in an office where Chuck Norris has become God, so there ya go [for his birthday I bought him a Chuck Norris triple pack including the hilariously titled 'Force Of One']
Also AndyC, very shrewd indeed...
How about the worst Walker Texas Ranger clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=j2R3wydm4ug)?
I probably shouldn't be laughing at that one.
Mofo Rising Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How about the worst Walker Texas Ranger clip?
>
> I probably shouldn't be laughing at that one.
Oh yes you really should be, especially that one [though the others are pretty "good" too]
Haven't laughed this hard in a long time :D
LOL Can you believe I had never seen any vid from Conan O'Brian's Show? Hey, you can't blame, where I am those things are hard to find. Followed the link above and saw all of them. Absolutely hilarious! Loved the second one, the one that is 7 minutes and shows O'Brian pulling the lever again and again, while making Joker faces. LOL.