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"Franz Shubert? more like Franz Stupid. Hey Eddie, where can we go to get some kicks, man!"

GUY: Where's that scary noise that sounds like a maniac half-beast-half-human with a flamethrower coming from?

GIRL: Sounds like it's coming from the cellar!

GUY: Do you think we should go and investigate?

GIRL: Yes.

"Police reports say that there is a crazed killer on the loose and headed for our cheerleader camp!"
"Great! Let's all go take a shower!"

Giant Spider: *high-pitched chirpping noise*

Plaid Clad: *looks up from camp fire* "Huh?"

Giant Spider: *high-pitched chirpping noise*

Plaid Clad: *gets up and turns around* "Hello? Who's there?"

Giant Spider: *high-pitched chirpping noise*

Plaid Clad: *clicks on flashlight, waves it around*

Giant Spider: *lit up in the light beam, makes high-pitched chirpping noises*

Plaid Clad: "What the-!*

Giant Spider: *moves legs in an up-and-down motion while not moving at all and making high-pitched chirpping noise*

Plaid Clad: *holds a hand up to his face while keeping the spider in the beam* "Aaaahhh!!!"

Giant Spider: *high-pitched chirpping noise suddenly louder, pan in slightly*

Plaid Clad: *sharp zoom-in to eyes* "AAAAHHH!!"

Molly:Jack,we're outta gas....what are we gonna do?

Jack:Well,we passed that seriously creepy old house a mile or so back....let's go there and look for a phone.

Molly:But didn't we hear a wolf or something howling when we passed?

Jack:Oh,it's probably just the dog wanting out....those vampire tales aren't true.

"Hey check this out!!"

"be careful that's very fragile"

"What is it, doc?"

"Something I've been working on during off hours and on weekends. it's a kind of life force ray. its technical name is a Low Area Radon Receptor Integrator or "Larry" "

GIRL #1: Hey, it's midnight and there's a crazy psychopath on the loose from the local mental asylum. How about a relaxing swim in your heated, floodlit outdoor pool...naked.

GIRL #2: OMG why didn't I think of that?!

"Anything strange!?!  Sheriff, my friends head just exploded.  What do you call that?"
"Boy, 'round here we call that natural causes. "


"I was told this was a hospital."
"You're close.  The Hospital is on the second floor.  First floor's the butcher shop."


"Keep the car running and wait here.  If I'm not back in ten minutes, wait longer." 


"Okay, general rule.  People covered in blood and wielding powertools are not your friend.  Everyone understand that  Good."

     "Affirmative Action, whiteboy-hand over that bong!"

    "I gotta go, Aunt Jessie....Ma says I shouldn't hang around here if you're drinkin' gin and wearin' that dress."

    

 :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

*COUGH* *COUGH* Here it is.  :teddyr:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:



 :buggedout:+ :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:



 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:



 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

These are lines from my still unfinished film script. I smell OSCAR........  :buggedout: :buggedout:

     "My Retardo Mentalblock Ray will slow him down!"

A giant squid just crawled onto the beach at New Orleans...quick,somebody get the crab boil!

"You sent your men after me and the President got killed in the crossfire, but there's one thing you forgot to tell your men, Colonel.  ... I'm the best."



"You go back to your p**y a**ed fa**ot blood sucking fang faced boss and you tell him this.  Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY f**ks with the Third Reich."


"There was a murder last night. That means we have a murderer lurking around town somewhere."  


"you're right.  I did promise I'd let you go if you talked.  I just never promised I wouldn't saw your legs off first." 

College geek: You see, this whole area seems to be encased in a temporal field that fluctuates as circumstances dictate. It is not unlike being trapped in a stasis envelope that prevents the outside world from influencing those of us trapped in here.

<Long pause>

College stoner: Whoa, wait. You mean we're like my weed when I seal it up in a Ziploc?

College geek: <Sighs> Yes, Boner. Human dope in a cosmic baggie. In a nutshell.

College stoner: How did we get inside a nutshell? I'm confused.

Drunk Cowboy:Sinners?!?! Whada you know about sinners? Hell, this whole goddamn town's full of em'! And I'm gonna judge em' all by dawn..

Prof: If we apply massive amounts of electricity, we may destroy the monster, but it will take all the power the city can generate.

General: Too bad we're in puddlejump, Arkansas. What else ya got?

Scientist: I have no idea how this creature works.

Reporter: But you must have some idea!

Sciestist: This is the 1950's, idiot. If we can't drop an A-bomb on it, we're S.O.L.

"What have you found out, doc?"

"These bite marks... they don't match any known animal of that size.  Considering the particular pattern of the incisions, not to mention the burns, which appear to be some form of acid or venom, I can only conclude that these people were killed by some gigantic insect."

"I don't like that answer, doc.  What else you got?"

"Sigh.  It was a really big bear.  A bear that either spits acid or has the worst breath imaginable."

"We'll go with that."



 

      DEPUTY- "Sheriff, why do I have to go in after it?"

       SHERIFF- "That colored guy already left town."   

Villain looking at hero's corpse. Turns to chief henchman: "I must admit. Linking me to Eviloverlord.com was a stroke of genius. For that you get promoted to vice commander of Earth!"

Quint Jr. "Theres the shark, lads. Break out the dynamite and hand grenades."

*After putting down a group of cyborg nazi coke mules with a infinite ammo assault rifle; the studly, feathered mullet-ed, camouflaged ex-soldier of fortune puts on his aviators and squints through at his ex-best friend turned godless terrorist*

Studly, feathered mullet-ed, camouflaged, ex-soldier of fortune: "Now it's time to f**k sh*t up, F**K STYLE!"

*He throws his rifle like a spear towards his enemy's stomach, causing an overabundant amount of visceral carnage to explode and rain down upon the still hot metal of the cyborg carcasses*

     ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM BAD MOVIE!
(SCENE OPENS in beach cottage, night. Door to cottage is smashed open, wet seaweed festooning the wreckage. Wet, webbed footprints cross the living room, to two mangled corpses, the newlyweds who rented the cottage. Their flesh is torn, necks broken, and each has a look of abject terror on their faces .)

       (DETECTIVE LT. SMITH SPEAKS)

     Round up all the hoboes and vagrants in the area.

Hero stands over villains corpse: "Dude. Thanks for finding Eviloverlord.com. For that I'll let you loot the body. Just let me turn off the doomsday machine."

"No, seriously Charlie. The dead one's full again"

--(A washed-up Hollywood bad@$$ with a fully receded hairline, as he stares down a bunch of brain eating zombies)--

"Y'all want this 'ere noggin? Well, here it is gang, nekkid as the day it was born! Come & get it! Just le'me fry up them brainpans for ya!"

Bad sequel dialogue

Guy #1- "You said they'd be dead forever!"

Guy #2- "Well it looks like forever wasn't long enough!" [Blasts zombie mutant gerbil/komodo dragon hybrid with his shotgun]

"What part of 'we're all gonna die' don't you understand?

"Eh...Gamera, Godzilla, Gameba- Except for the number of toes, ya seen one giant footprint, ya seen 'em all."

"It has twenty heads. No wonder it's confused about where to go."

"Demon possessed lingerie is NOT what I expected to find at Walmart. Target, sure..."

"Gentlemen, please.  You're focusing on a few minor details and missing the over all big picture.  I assure you that the majority of our teachers haven't killed any of the students." 

"Come on!  Come get me!  Who's ready to dance with Big Poppa Cool?"

"I am sure the murderer who killed all our friends and never got caught is not still learking around this lake, Who would be that stupid? Lets go campling!"

"Time to get naked!"

"Your are going to have to walk through this abonded haunted Insane asylum as an initiation rite, were just going to be out here getting high and shagging, Good luck!"

"The car won't start, let split up and look for help!"

"YeahHHH.... We were joking about walking through the Asylum at night. Your also not going to be in our society"

"Fancy seeing you here again, now I shall try and kill you again"

"You know El Santo, now is not a good time to suffer from mask rash."

I'm Cool Breezy Cool, baby. I own all the gravy in the world.

"You should get that looked at"

"Nah, it's fine..."

^haha

PVT - "Sarge! Sarge! Talk to me, Sarge!" :buggedout:

SGT - No! I'm not talking to you!" :hatred:

General: "The nuke worked...huh. Never saw that coming."

Buddy A - C'mon, man! Did Rocky ever say "I can't do it" ?
Buddy B - Uh, yeah, he says that in every movie.

Hero- " You're the disease, and I'm the cure'
Bad guy- "Really? And what other rock bands have you been?"

"I can't get my foot out of his rib cage!"

"I call this my Erlenmeyer mask."

"Nobody, but nobody, makes a fool out of Hunky Punkin!"

For a 60s teen party flick:

"Open your eyes, it's a disguise surprise, guys!"

"Why do we go home so I can eat your p***y?"

Oh wait... That's already been done...

Hero A- (quickly exiting a room in a haunted hotel) "Wait... crap."
Hero B- "What?! Hurry up man! They're coming!"
Hero A- "I ain't leavin' here without at least taking the shampoo."

Evil Villain: If you decide to spend another night in my dungeon of torture, and survive, Ill give you 5 Million Dollars!!!

Good Guy: Wow, 8 Million Dollars? Let me think...No, I'd rather escape now, with my life!

later on...

Good Guy: Dang... I kinda wish I'd spent one more night in that dungeon. 3 Million Dollars is a lot of dough.

"Halbrid, go feed the prisoner. Feed him to the sharks, this time."

Hero: "This is the last time you'll escape me!"
Bad Guy: "So you say- wait, that's my line!"

"Crap. She was way too pretty to get turned into monster poop."

Well well well, what do you have here? Looks like we got ourselves a bunch of f**kin' cocksuckers!

Soldier: "Sir, the zombies are retreating!"
General: "That's wonderful.
Soldier: "Because Godzilla is coming."
General: "Crap on a stick."


"Don't touch that mutant. You don't know who it's been."

In an 80's cheaply made spaghetti western/comedy :

"Use the horse, Duke."

"And when did you last see your husband alive, Mrs. Dumpster?"
"Just before the monster ate his head off, idiot!"

"Doctor, these underwear...they're alive!"
"Huh...must be that sample from South Africa."

"You've raped far too many sluts and now you're going to pay!" 

--

"I don't have time to deal with you all now.   Deputy, lock these kids up.  I'll be by to beat them with my nightstick after I settle things here."

Person A: "They're coming, I can Feel it."

Person B: "Who Are?

Person A: " The Zombie Unicorns."

Person B: "Old Man, did you take your medicine today?"

"Your death'll be painless," my ass...

bangs on metal thing "It's no use"
other guy "you mean we're trapped in here?"

Retro 60's space fest...

"Commander, the Zorkons are arming their laser cannon, the Breltoc are aiming their missles, and the Smelge have us targeted by tractor beams."

"This can't possibly get worse."

"And your wife called. Her mom's coming for dinner."

"...Worse..."

Some Guy In Charge: "It's not alive........... we can't kill it!"

Priest. "Lets bring it to life. Then we can kill it."

That is actually the central plot of Big Trouble in Little China.

D'OH! Yeah..."It's all in the reflexes."

"Look, it's real simple. Heads, we get the Guillotine, tails we have our a$$s handed to us. Flip the coin and let's get this over with."

"If you start applying logic to this experience again, I'm going to have to hurt you."

Obviously inspired by Schwarzenegger Hamlet...


After killing the bad guys: "To be, or not to be, eye there's the point, to die, to sleep, is that all? It is obvious: both. I am, y'all are not"


Alternate take on the same idea.
Before killing the bad guys: "To be or not to be? Not to be" and the hero goes to kill the bad guys.
End of the movie, the hero kisses the damsel and states: "To be or not to be? To be." and kisses her again.

For a Zombie Movie: after a character is bitten...

Commando: How long does he have?
CaveMan: Well, don't look like he's gonna bleed out...
Commando: No, I mean how long before he turns!
CaveMan: Turns?
Commando: Before he turns into one o' them! How long's he got?
CaveMan: Oh; "turns"! Yeah! No, They don't "turn"; Nobody "turns". I toldja', 
              somebody's been makin' these things in some lab up river.

"Ya know what I hate about time travel? Finding out my Grandfather was a better shot than I am."

"Ya know what I hate about time travel? Learning I'm going to be a better shot then I am now in about ten years..."

"Ya know what I hate about time travel? Finding out Hitler was a better shot then I am."

General: Can we trust him?

Commander:  No...we just got to make sure we pay him more then the other side.

Guy A: "Was that a giant whale being thrown into the air?"

Guy B: "Nah, that's just my Ex being taken by God for his cheating."

"Hah! I'll believe that when cats drink beer and South African's wear clean underwear!"

Person 1: Who told you about these things?

Person 2: Gary Busey.

I actually dreamt this dialog! It is so funny :)

[A look of horror then crosses The Commando's face, as he realizes he's put down several friends for no reason.]

"Why are you having sex with the mop?"

Ah, naw; A Garotte would take too long. This 'ere's a chicken wringer. See, that's why I grew a beard.

Inspired by Trevor (http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,145551.msg551051.html) news...

- Racism is not totally wrong, just misguided.
- What do you mean?
- Racism makes people think that some humans are bad, is that so?
- Yes, then?
- So, it is partly correct. The mistake is that it makes one think that other humans are better, and this is wrong.
- Yeees....

"It's a huge fire breathing dragon, and it looks hungry. You distract it while I arm the rocket launcher. Look appetizing."

"Alright...who put the man eating slime in the jello?"

"My dear, you have the loveliest eyes. Who's are they?"

Military Commander:  "Are you saying your device ripped a hole open in space-time and let that creature into our universe?"

Scientist: "No...no I didn't say that at all.  I didn't say anything like that.  I don't know where you got that idea from."

Scientist: Oh God! Why the **** are you bringing me out here?

Tank Commander: We're gonna take out some o' these aliens & start taking Earth Back! Now, how does this zapper of yours work?

Scientist: (pulls out diagram) Well, first you need to plug it into the lighter for about four or five-

Tank Commander: -Wait! What the **** are these plans for?

Scientist: The zapper! The one in that suitcase you refused to let me bring!

Tank Commander: You- Wh- What the *** have I got mounted on top of this tank?

Scientist: That's just a bucket with Christmas Tree lights on it!

"It's a Bird. A bird as big as a battleship. Well, actually more like a heavy cruiser...Okay, a Frigate...Duckboat?..."

"What part of not sticking your hand into the cage with the man eating tiger didn't you hear?"

"WE came, We saw, WE kicked it's...Oh, crap, it's still there..."

"Lemme' guess: You tried tried to activate agent 61814375, and instead you accidentally released a well hung demon named Norlic The Berserker."

"Is that what that was? Jeez! I thought he was some sorta weird tripod creature or something!"

"When you use the Phaser Ensign, point it at things that won't just get pi$$ed off by it."

""Look, I'm a mad scientist...mad, see? It's what I do. Read the Diploma on the wall. It's next to the cage of attack Gerbils."

"What wriggles through a corpse and uses it for a meat puppet?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Neither do I...RUN LIKE THE WIND!"

"Your favorite move?"

"MY niece's favorite."

"You love your niece?"

"No, I hate my sister.

"The morgue is a much better place to pick up chicks than the club.  Afterall, you don't have to buy them drinks, and they can't say no."

FLUNKY:  "Captain, there is a hostile alien aboard the ship devouring our crew members!"
CAPTAIN:  "I picked a bad day to give up coffee!"

Anybody wanna go down by the perimeter & set fire to some zombies?

"No!  You misheard me.  I said the people are eating the zombies!"

My whole life, I always knew that I wasn't cut out for leadership, but I eventually realized that I had always been cut out for politics!
And you can quote me on that!

Elf: "I haven't seen Santa this mad since the Nazis ordered the Hitler Youth into active combat!"