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Bad guy: "This is the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
Trevor: "Try looking in the mirror next time."

"this place reminds me of my ex wifes ass: too big and too crazy"

"Since you got that stigmata I'd rather you didn't make me a sandwich."

“Oh no! The corn husker is here!”

“Hey! Put down that radish! It’s radioactive! Everything here’s radioactive! Contaminated!”

"Look over there...'Ye Olde Cursed Haunted Abandoned Lunatic Asylum'... that seems like a good place to take cover for the night."

"I'm too drunk to fish and too wet to burn."

"It wasnt dead before.."

Help! Somethin’s goin’ down in tha diner, & it involves a monster!

Of all of the things to demonically possess why the hell did they go with my spleen?

"You whore!"

"Professor, if my calculations into the origin of the universe are correct, the big bang probably occurred on a Tuesday."

"I matriculated at the University of Badass Motherf**kers, where I flunked out of the class in not kicking your ass!"

“Ouch! ...Ew! Gross!“

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just slipped on some slime.”

The Spidersaurus, Earth's most perfect predator, under MY command!

Was this really my doing, or was it all up to the blind winds of fate, pure chance? Or are the winds of fate truly blind? Perhaps, I was predestined to this terror, & if I was predestined, why should you punish me, seeing I had no choice in the matter? Then again, if I were predestined to be a mad scientist, & my predestined goals turned out to be for evil instead of good, perhaps you were predestined to stop me & your predestined goal was to punish me?

“Don’t make Grandma bust a cap in your ass! “

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

"It's not alive............... and we can't kill it!"  :buggedout:

"So she's a vampire slut, it still doesnt make her a bad person.."

"I've got blood in my stool! Come look!"

Operation Snipe Hunt is now in full effect

You are telling me my dog created the universe?

"It's obvious that whoever murdered these victims is the killer.."

See, that over there is the X-Bomb, and that right next to it is the Y-Bomb, and this one over here is the Because-Bomb, and right here is just an ordinary bomb, it doesn't do anything- well, aside from, uh, bomb things.....

"Collect the monkey!"

"There's a Shriner up there killing people and it's up to us to stop him!" 

"Honey, You'll feel a lot better after you've had your breakfast and we've rewritten your memories." 

"There aren't supposed to be any polar bears in Kentucky!"

"It's a bunny popsicle!"

"Who just farted? It wasn't me, I'm alone."  :tongueout:

"I'm telling you for the last time: we do it my way or I walk away RIGHT NOW"

That sounds like my boss  :wink:

You need my right testicle for WHAT?

Honey, Grandmas changing pimps!

It ate my dog!

(From the movie “It Ate My Dog,” where something eats the protagonist’s dog.)

Cop: "Is that your werewolf?"
Dude: "No, it's my psychiatrist, & that's the least of my problems.... I tell y' I've seen bigger men turn into smaller werewolves."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

"Hi big brother: how's your ass?"  :wink:

"You do not twist Stings nipples."

This Is Not A Drill! This Is A Forstner!

If I had wanted a 30ft man eating duck, I would have asked for one!

Bombsquade guy 1: "Okay, so you cut the yellow wire, then the red wire, then the blue wire."
Bombsquade guy 2: "Uh, They're all brown"
Bombsquade guy 1: "What d'ya mean they're all brown?"
Bombsquade guy 2: "They're all brown"

It wasn't the best mugging attempt of our career, Luigi.

Yeah, Rocco, not much worse than getting beaten up by a grandma using a wet towel.

That wasn't a wet towel, Luigi.

What was it, Rocco?

Her Depends.

"Why cant YOU be the Playboy bunny this time? Why do I ALWAYS have to be it?"

Aren’t you hot in those rubber pants?

Seen Trevor's underpants anywhere?

"So, I just got the test results back. I definitely have the AIDS. Anyway, wanna go get some brunch?"

"You're gonna reach for a fart and be the best at it."

"But his legs won't let the trunk close, Johnny."

"....it was the milk, Ali, the miiiilllllk...."

"Keep on lookin' at me you're gonna see me kill you."  :buggedout:

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

"It was a one-horse town without a rider."

"A eunuch Navy SEAL is the perfect political candidate, Seymour!"

"He was known as the boy who didn't cry wolf"

"Just because we can't trust him doesn't mean he isn't useful to me."

I have a toasted cheese sandwich and I am not afraid to use it!

"f**k your double-stuffed Oreos, just run!"

So it was the avocado all along

"I haven't seen a pair that pear-like since Peri left Doctor Who!"

"It won't hurt. It won't hurt, it'll feel good."

"Put the chicken head back on the ninja and finish your test!"

Wait, no, I actually said that to a student once. 
OMG - MY LIFE IS A BAD MOVIE!

 :hot: "Welcome to Hell, Osama."  :hot:

"But what will they call our 'modern art' in a hundred years?"

"If the saw's not getting through the bone, hurry and try the hatchet."

"No time for questions!  Move the moray eels to one side and get in the car!"

I know the person who directed American Ninja 3 and 4 very well so I understand the pain 😳😉😉🐢

"It's glutton's Heaven, the Garden of Eatin'."

"You're kinda short, Jesus."

"I think Lovecraft was having strokes when he spoke the elder god names."

If we smell it, we can kill it

"Don't, don't," he mumbled.

"Blowing farts out my ass
like breeze blows through the grass.
I love the feel of when I fart
it makes me smile and warms my heart!"

Trevor Take Your Nasty Ass Home

"Boy, you got thirty second to get yer ass off my property for I start throwin' ninja stars!"

"You have to believe me officer!  I didn't do this!  It was the ghost of Elvis and it had a chainsaw!"

"Sunday sunrises seem sane, Shimon, so see some sometime."

"It's called Dairy Queen for a reason, Reginald. Dairy Queen."

Their technology is based on living things, not electricity and mechanical things like ours! I tell you, it is a bomb. When that pimple bursts we are all going to die.

"God, I said no."

"Because no one would ever suspect a nun and a Girl Scout."

"Welcome to Hell. These days it isn't that drastic of a change from what you're used to."

"I know I'm not the first girl to be reunited with her teenaged heartthrob that she met in a coal mine on Hitler's birthday, then lost him in a temporal vortex, only to find him again as a transgender inmate in a woman's prison!  Or maybe I am. . . "

"It's a cologne that smells like Karl Marx."

"Yes, yes, a rook through the eye, this is another victim of the Chess Club Hit Squad."

"But I wipe my own ass and sometimes yours!"

"Those vegetarian skinheads sure know how to surf!"

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Oy  :buggedout: :teddyr: :teddyr:

"Damn it, George stop pooping in the urinal! You know only I'm allowed to do that!"

“If you have to shave the tip of your dick,  you need to be making some kind of movies!”

"Outlive them."

"You and everyone you love will die painfully."

"I make mutuals with my own feces!"

"I've got a message for you and it's ready to be delivered"

Doctor: "His fever broke."
Boss: "Well fix it!"

"Time to play everyone favorite game: Does this look infected?"

"Matt just died. Again!"

"My mind is a cesspool. Your world is my s**t. My eyes are your toilet."

"It's Michael, worms. You're eating Michael."

"That's mom's head.  Where's the rest of her?"

---

"I wish this town could go one day without rape and murder."

---

"If you don't believe in Santa Clause, he can't hurt you."

---

"We're going to the moon!  Pack your bikini!"

---

"I wish I was dead again."

"Nevermind who it used to be, just eat."

I think that one's from Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

“Call bathroom, right? ”

From my phone, right now via pocket text.

"I felt bad about whacking that propane salesman. He really loved his job."

"The city's 400 years old, so why is it still 'New' York?"

"How are you peeing, up in the air?"

"What if I am?"

"Are you seriously telling me there is a killer dildo stalking the streets on this city on an election year?"

"Are we your only class, Mr. Keating? Don't you have any other students here at Welton who'd like to join the Dead Poet's Society?"

"You're no longer the Lord's chicken!"

"I refuse to believe the portal to another dimension is in my ass!"

"I'm going to wipe my ass in the morning, and shout HOORAY!"

"Now we have stolen the time machine we can be the most powerful league of assassins in the universe! We can evil kill our targets before the clients have put out a contract on them!"

"But boss, how will we get paid then?"

"...."

“Why isn’t it raining tacos?”

"I've always wondered, did the lava on Mustafar burn off Vader's 'nads, cuz if so, it could explain why he's so mad. Oh, but, wait, why would his voice be deeper if he was a eunuch?"

"I don't have underpants, I got family." 😳😉

Sure I could build you a fire and keep you warm for tonight, but if I set you on fire I promise you, you'll be warm for the rest of your life.

"Shoot anything that breathes that moves!"

"Of all da crack houses in all da hoods in all da world, she walk into mine."

"We ate your pet duck, Toby."

"Suppose Vader goes around with a catheter and a little sack of urine strapped to his ankle? Well, I'm just asking Yoda, jeesh."

“Celebrate my broken toe, you drunk alien!”

"You're a deep bottom of a pond!"

"Now, with my immortal army of giant sea monkeys, I will conquer the world!!"

"Please stop stopping."

"One thousand years ago, an evil samurai walked the land leaving nothing but death and sorrow in his wake.  That has nothing to do with my story.  I'm a bank teller."

Revenge of the Frozen Tater Tots

"We don't have time for this right now, we've got a meteor to deal with. Doc, any results on those coordinates?"

"Oh no they've got us cornered, and we only have this crème brûlée torch to defend ourselves with"