OT: I could use some critiquing

[Mr_Vindictive]

Ok.  Tonight I sat down with the laptop and decided to take a practice shot at writing a script.  It's quite short, and is based on The Nearly Departed, a fantastic short story from Richard Matheson of I Am Legend fame.  

I'm going to copy and paste the script here for you guys to read and critique if you would.  Please, be ruthless as it's the best way to learn.  Let me know what works and what doesn't work.  I'm certainly not happy with the dialogue but it was written within about 45 minutes or so.  This is actually something I'd like to shoot myself if I had a bit of cash and a good DV cam.

Anyway, here it is:

“The Nearly Departed”

Written By: George Cook

Based On A Short Story By: Richard Matheson



EXT:  OUTSIDE A SMALL MORTUARY IN THE MID 1950s.  EARLY AFTERNOON.

A MAN pulls up to the curb in a large black mid 50’s Cadillac.  He steps out of the car and onto the waiting sidewalk.  The man stretches as if just now waking up from a long sleep.  He’s wearing an all black suit with a black hat.  He is dressed for a funeral.

THE MAN looks at the sign above the mortuary door, which reads: “Castle’s Mortuary”.  He smiles a half sad, half joyous smile and walks slowly through the door.


INT: CASTLE’S MORTUARY.  

THE MORTUARY is sparsely lit by artificial light.  The shades are open on the two storefront windows.  Golden sunlight shines through to the floor.  Across the room sits an older gentleman at a beautiful and obviously antique desk.


Mortician:

Hello sir!  Can I help you?

THE MAN looks towards the mortician, seemingly noticing him for the first time.  The same sad/joyous smile washes back across his face.

The Man:

Yes…..Yes, I believe you might be able to.

Mortician:
(smiling with pearly white dentures in full bloom)

Well then come over and have a seat.  I’ll pour a cup of joe, and we’ll talk business.





THE MAN pauses for a moment before striding across the room, past caskets and displays of urns.  He takes off his hat, sits it on the elderly man’s desk and takes a seat.  He sits straight, with perfect posture.  His hands are folded neatly in his lap.  Once again, he smiles.

Mortician:

So sir, how may I be of service today?

The Man:

Well first, I’d like to take you up on the cup of joe.

Mortician:

Of course!  How could I be so inconsiderate?


THE MORTICIAN steps over to a coffee maker on a small table in the corner.  He pours two cups of coffee.

Mortician:

Sir, what would you like in your coffee.


THE MAN looks back, his smile faltering as if he were startled that the man spoke to him.

The Man:

Uhm….nothing please.  Just black coffee….
(almost under his breath)
…..I need it black today.

THE MORTICIAN shrugs his shoulders and puts a bit of sugar into his own coffee.  He then walks back to the table and puts The Man’s coffee on the desk beside the man’s hat.

Mortician:

So, Mr…..?


The Man:

Lang.  Mr. Lang.

Mortician:

Ahh, Mr. Lang.  How can I help you this beautiful day?

The Man:

I need to make funeral arrangements.  I need to make it for quite soon.

Mortician:

Well Mr. Lang, have no worries.  We at Castle Mortuary will take care of your loved one’s passing.  We will not waste any time in taking care of the service.

The Man:

Good, good.


Mortician:

Where is the deceased now?


The Man:

She is at home, in her bed, resting peacefully.


Mortician:

Oh I see.  I’m assuming she died in her sleep?


THE MAN smiles at the mortician, but says nothing.


Mortician:

Well, what exactly did you have in mind for the service?






The Man:

I was hoping you could come to my home this evening.  I have a parlor in the house that I believe would suit the ceremony.  I figured that I would invite some friends and family over.

Mortician:

Yes, yes.  That certainly sounds lovely.


THE MORTICIAN slides a typed sheet of paper to The Man.

Mortician:

Mr. Lang, these are some of our funeral ceremony plans.  I know it can be tough to worry about such things as cost and payment at this time of grieving but unfortunately, business is business.


THE MAN doesn’t even glance once at the sheet.  He puts his hand on the paper and slowly slides it over to the mortician.

The Man:

I don’t want a pre-chosen ceremony.  I want only the best for her.  I don’t care the cost; make this the best possible.
(below his breath)
…she was so young.


THE MORTICIAN is quite delighted at the amount of money he will be making off of this deal.  He smiles, once again showing the bright white dentures.


Mortician:

Yes, yes.  I understand completely.  Now keep in mind that this can get quite expensive.  There is the cost of the ceremony at your home, the flowers, the funeral itself, the church, the pianist, the casket….






The Man:

I’m well aware of the cost.
(slightly agitated)
I’ve already said that I will pay any price for this.  I have faith in you sir to pick out each detail of the ceremony and funeral.  Consider me a blank check, sir.  I want only the best of everything you have.  She deserves only the best.


Mortician:

Yes sir.  I never meant to imply anything, just wanted to let you know of the cost involved in such a thing.


The Man:
(firmly)
She deserves only the best.  
(once again, under his breath)
…she was so young, so goddamned young.


THE MORTICIAN’S smile begins to fade away.  He only caught the last half of The Man’s last sentence and it obviously shook him a bit.


Mortician:

So, Mr Lang…..how would 5 this evening be for the ceremony?  Too soon?


The Man:

Oh.  No, that would be fine.  The sooner the better.


Mortician:

Excellent.  Now, all I need is your address and everything will be set.


THE MAN pulls out a sheet of paper from his pocket.  It is folded.  He hands it to the mortician, who opens it to find The Man’s address written inside.


Mortician:

Ahhh.  Green Street eh?  You know I have a cousin that lives on that street.  Do you know a Mrs. Goldsm….


The Man:
(cutting him off mid-sentence)

I don’t have time for small-talk my friend.  I must be going, getting ready for tonight.

Mortician:
(obviously frustrated by yet another interruption by the strange man)

Yes sir.  Didn’t mean to hold you up.


The Man:
(suddenly cheery again)

Not a problem my good man.  I really must be going.


Mortician:

Of course.


THE MAN stands up.  He picks up the cup of coffee and drinks it all in long drink.  He puts the empty cup down and picks up his hat which he places on his head.  


The Man:

Good day sir.  Please remember what I said.  No price is too high.  She only deserves the absolute best for her passing.  She was so young and so beautiful.  
(after a pause)
Sometimes the world is unfair, eh?

The Mortician:
(befuddled by the last question)

Yes sir, I guess it is.


THE MAN nods twice, slowly.  He then walks across the room of caskets and urns and exits through the front door.  The mortician watches as the man stands on the sidewalk in the noon sun.  The Man looks into the sky towards the sun and squints.  A smile of pure joy shows up on his face.

The mortician watches the man for a moment and then begins to shake his head and walk back towards his desk.  About halfway to the desk, a thought seems to occur to him.  He stops mid-step and begins to rush towards the door, trying to catch The Man before he gets into his car.




EXT:  OUTSIDE THE MORTUARY.  


THE MAN is just getting into his car as the mortician steps outside.  The Man starts the Cadillac, and the mortician taps the man’s window.  The Man looks over, a bit surprised to see the mortician there.  He slowly rolls down the window.  He looks up at the mortician, squinting in the bright sunlight.


The Man:

Yes?


Mortician:

Sir, there was one more question I need to ask you.  


The Man:

Sure.  Shoot.


Mortician:

Sir, when exactly did your loved one die?


THE MAN laughs heartily.



The Man:
(with that same joyous smile)
When I get home, sir.


THE MAN then laughs once again.  He then turns back in his seat, rolls up the window and drives out of the frame as the mortician is left staring at the car driving away, obviously affected and appalled.


FADE TO BLACK





Obviously it doesn't look as good when pasting here but I'm much too tired to worry about fixing the spaces.  

Once again, be ruthless!

[Shadowphile]

You've obviously never dealt with a mortician.  I suggest talking to one before trying to write for one because they are a a breed apart.  You'll never meet anyone like them.  One part snake oil salesman, one part professional mourner.  

There would have definitely been a deposit required. It's amazing how much a mortician sympathizes with your loss and is still be able to extract as much money as possible from you.

No mortician would ever be so crass as to ask what somebody died from.

I'm not certain but I think the mortician would require some form of death certificate or they would consider it a 'prearrangement'.

Why would the man have his address written on a piece of paper in his pocket?

The hat is not mentioned in the initial desription of the man.

[daveblackeye15]

I'll read it later.

[Mofo Rising]

I read this last night, so these comments are a bit off of the specifics.

I agree with Shadowphile.  The mortician character doesn't ring true.  By necessity of their profession, morticians have an immaculate sense of etiquette, a precision in language and manner.  At least the ones who are good at their job.  I would recommend going and visiting one or two of them.  I had to interview two funeral homes for a class I took.  They're happy to talk about their work, although I would suggest an appointment.  You will learn things you might not have thought of, such as (here in Arizona) funeral homes are required to give an itemized price list of all of their services.  Remember, everybody is a potential client.

Prearranged funerals are quite common, althought not quite that "imminent".

I believe what you are going to have to figure out is the tone of the project.  We're looking at a longish take of a black humor joke, right?  Ten to fifteen minutes?  Obviously a lot of that is going to come through in the staging, but you're really going to have to walk the fine line between the ordinary, the sinister and the humorous.  Since you can set this up in the writing, might as well hone it as sharp as you can while you've got the time.  Are you starting in the sinister or the ordinary?  Are you going for a laugh, a mordant chuckle, or playing it straight?  At what point should the audience recognize the dissonant chords present in the man's story?

At this point you just have a dialogue, so you want to tighten it up as much as you can.  You live in a different part of the country, but I can't picture a mortician saying "cup of joe".  At least not to a client.

This is an actor's script.  A lot can be done with staging and camera work, but if the acting falls flat the whole thing falls apart.  Making the dialogue snap is going to help.

You wanted brutal, so here goes.  The joke doesn't work for me.  Then again, a joke is all in the delivery.  And if you can sweeten up the delivery then. . . TIMING!  (Sorry, old joke.)  So, acting and tone, that's what I think you should be aiming for.

I'd recommend going back and reading some of the stories Roald Dahl wrote for adults.  He's a master at this sort of thing.

Hope that helps.

[Jim H]

From what I can remember of the original story, this is actually fairly faithful, so to some degree it may be Richard Matheson who didn't do a lot of research on the job.

[Mr_Vindictive]

Guys, thanks for the criticisim.  It's good to have a place like this to throw down a piece of work and have an unbiased person read it and provide comments.

This was pretty much just a test for me.  I was mainly trying to get the format correct for writing a script.  Obviously, as I mentioned in the intial post, the dialogue isn't very good but I didn't exactly go back and polish it.  This was just a spur of the moment thing that I did while my wife watched Memoirs Of A Geisha which was boring me to death.

As Jim said, it is based quite faithfully on the Matheson story, and I tried to portray the mortician the way that Matheson had.  I know it's not the way they act, but it is the way the character acted in the story.  

Like I said, your comments have been helpful.  I'm just starting out when it comes to trying to write scripts, and just trying to get a feel for it at the moment.  The input has been invaluable.

[Shadowphile]

Must have been an old, tired mortician in a one mortuary town....

[Just Plain Horse]

The whole thing feels like an episode of The Night Gallery... sudden need for a funeral, cost is of no importance... I have to question the dialogue myself, though my experience with morticians is, um, "limited".

I've often thought of writing a short story about the funeral business myself, something I'd probably title "The Poor Rich Man"... but that's something for much later...