Interactive Un-Scary Movie

[Doc Daneeka]

While this may be madness considering most regular posters tend to fall behind with even one Interactive Bad Movie, due to suggestions by ClockworkCanary and 316Zombie, I'll go ahead and start the "horror" version of the Interactive Bad Movie! As is my style, I'll start it kinda straight-faced, but it can get odd later depending on the author

NIGHT: DARK AND STORMY. HAUNTED HOUSE (REUSED "ANCHIMEN'S LAIR" PROP FROM "IMMINENT DANGER") LOOMS OVER A GRAVEYARD, AS WELL AS A NEW-LOOKING BLUE SPORTS CAR AND AN OLD LOOKING BEIGE STATION WAGON. CUT TO: CANDLES BEING LIT INSIDE BY A RAINCOATED OLD MAN, ALBERT COLMWOOD (TELLY SAVALAS).

Colmwood: Ahh, good to get the good 'ol spirits flowing, now, let's get down to business!

AT THE SAME TIME IN A POLICE STATION IN TOWN, A GROUP OF CORRUPT COPS LAUGH IT UP OVER VARIOUS SMALL CRIMES SUPPOSEDLY TAKING PLACE.

Donutski: Hahaaa! Alright, get this.... Turns out there's supposed to be some kind of gang fight tonight, Demons vs. Puppets! They'll probably end up killing themselves off and we'll have to clean up in the morning!

The other cops in the room laugh their heads off

Sy Garretski: I'll do you all one better... I hear there's going to be some freaky occult meeting at the old Intorporopetie House by a bunch of freaky college professors, PLUS, there's also a group of kids going up there to make whoopeeee!

The others begin to guffaw, when one detective spits across the room, hitting the wall beside Garretski's face

Badass detective Mitchell Gaff (Anthony Starke): I don't know about the rest of you... But I've had it with this decrepit city... teachers smoking grass, punk kids thinking they can get away with murder, I'm tired of waiting, it's time to kick some ass...

The other cops fall silent as Gaff walks away from the rest of the group

Donutski: ...Don't worry, he does this ALL the time!

The other cops guffaw again as Gaff walks out the door

BACK INSIDE THE INTOPOROPETIE HOUSE, COLMWOOD TAKES ONE MYSTIC ITEM OUT AT A TIME, SETTING THEM LIBERALLY AROUND THREE WOODEN TABLES.

Colmwood: Yeeeesss... Now it's my time...

IN AN ADJACENT ROOM, TWO OF THE AFOREMENTIONED TEENAGERS, KYLE BUTTZ (KEVIN R. CONNORS) AND CHELSEA SHIVERS (AIMEE-LYNN CHADWICK) MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER, UNBEKNOWNST TO THE PROFESSOR IN THE NEXT ROOM.

Kyle: Ohhh, ohhhhhh, Chelsea...

Chelsea: Heeey, heeeeeeyyyy, Kyle...

Kyle: OHHHH, OHHHHHH, CHELSEA!

Chelsea: (Inexplicable *Ow!*) Hey, Kyle, do you think it was wrong to leave Stewart and Edna in the car?

Kyle: ...What are you talking about Chelsea?

OUTSIDE, STEWART AND EDNA (CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE and BRITTANY CURRAN), TWO SLIGHTLY NERDY FRIENDS WHO DECIDED TO COME ALONG TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE TO MAKE OUT BUT GOT SHAFTED AND HAD TO STAY OUT IN THE CAR IN THE STORM, TRY AND ENJOY THEMSELVES, DESPITE NOT MAKING OUT

Stewart: Hey...

Edna: Eh?

Stewart: ...Wanna make out?

Edna: naww...

Stewart: ehhh....

At that moment, Gaff's car pulls up to the house, the detective gets out and walks up to the sports car, before smashing the window open to speak with a stunned Stewart and Edna

Gaff: Alright you kids... There's no hanky-panky bulls**t going on here, is there?!

Stewart: No!! ...Unfortunately...

Gaff: Watch your mouth! Now there's another car here too ...What about in the house?

Stewart: ...There miiight be some hanky-panky in there... But we wouldn't know!

Edna: Shut up, Stewart. Probably no hanky-panky anywhere, sir.

Gaff: Well, I'm gonna check anyhow... You urchins stay out of trouble...

Gaff leaves Stewart and Edna in the rain, going in the house

Stewart: Just great! What do we do now??

Edna: I'm thinkin' we're gonna have to get in trouble...

Edna gets out of the car and sneakily follows Gaff into the house

BACK TO COLMWOOD, AS HE BEGINS TO CHANT OVER HIS MACABRE MATERIALS, THE STORM RAGES UP EVEN MORE. SUDDENLY, A KNOCK COMES AT THE DOOR TO COLMWOOD'S LEFT!

Colmwood foolishly goes to answer the door, to find there is no one on the other side! Puzzled, he produces a handbook from his pocket

Colmwood: Translating common supernatural responses... hmmm... The ghostly ding-dong ditch... means... "Get out"?

Colmwood thinks over the book for a moment or two, then lowers it to his side and closes the door.

Colmwood: Not tonight I won't...

Another knock...

Colmwood: If you're going to say something, explain it clearly!

Colmwood opens to door again, but this time he is yanked up by a tangle of gnarled, clawed arms! He screams and drops his book as the creature-or-whatever-it-is pulls him into the upper floors! After a few seconds, the silence is broken by a small butler (Peter Lorre, or an incredible lookalike), who comes to sweep up a few dropped shreds of Colwood's raincoat

Butler: I have a feeling it will be a very... eventful night tonight...

Meanwhile...


Sorry if this one is a bit less open to improvisation than previous entries. Feel free to mix it up as much as possible!

[clockworkcanary]

Meanwhile, Kyle and Chelsea, still making out in the next room are interrupted by growls and screams!

Chelsea, shirt halfway unbuttoned: "what the hell was that?!"

Kyle, still pulling off his football jersey, continues slobbering, "wha? whu-what? I didn't hear nuthin"

Chelsea pushes him away, "settle down Romeo ...go out there and check"

Kyle, being his usual not-to-bright self, brushes his feathered mullet back with his hands and opens the door and jumps out all macho-ish but, of course, there's nothing there.  He looks back and forth and hears nothing but the boards creaking under his feet, "I don't see nuthin babe!"

Chelsea, looking out the window, "It's probably that f#!*n Stewart playing pranks on us again!  I don't see them down there anymore"

Kyle, being the Quarterback macho man that he is, "I'll beat that nerd boy down so hard if he's pullin some $h!t!"

Chelsea, "just relax...hey, I have an idea...let's split up!"

[Trevor]

Kyle: "Yeah, that's right, split up. Just like Michael Bay's brain, that's why he always remakes classics. The hell with the noise, finish taking your shirt off, girl."

Chelsea: "Are you ready, hunny bunny?"

Kyle: [slobbering: football jersey gets stuck on head] "Yeah, just as soon as ah can find mah rubber....[rummages in pencil case]....got it! Was wondering where I put it, couldn't make any changes to my homework until I found it."

Screams and growls continue

Chelsea: "Stewart! Is that you?"

Screams and growls continue and suddenly cease

Guy with weird accent: "No, it is not Stuart! Leave me alone, I'm busy!"

Kyle [laughs] "With an accent like that, you could be either Trevor Moses from South Africa or Uwe Boll."

Guy: "First guess wrong, second guess right."

Kyle, Chelsea: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[clockworkcanary]

...the screams are echoed through the entire estate!  We hear a repeat of the echo with different camera shots of the various areas of this haunted estate: a shot of the rusty gated fence, a shot of the back corner of the house, a shot of the creepy front porch, and a shot of the parking lot...

Meanwhile, badass detective Mitchell Gaff is prowling around the garden out back for some reason.  He finds a chalk outline of a body and decides to lay in it.  Suddenly, he hears the screams too, looks up, and notices a faint silhouette of a large figure peering back at him through a dirt-tinted window upstairs...but then it vanishes!

Gaff: "damn meddling kids ...this might make a lot more sense if they weren't here messin' 'roun, 'roun-'roun here."

Mitchel Gaff ponders for a second on just what to do next.  He debates the options of investigating the strange noise in the house or else go stake this place out his '74 Malibu.  He heads back around the house towards the front parking lot when out of the bushes stumbles Edna, looking rather worse for wear, clothes all torn up and covered with dirt.  She has blood on her shirt.

Edna, panting, totally out of breath, "it's ...it's Stewart..."

Gaff interrupts: "you kids! you were getting HIGH weren't you?!"

Edna, gasping, "...he...he"

Gaff: "BUZZ OFF KID!"

Edna passes out just when...

[Doc Daneeka]

Out of the bushes comes Stewart, torn, beaten, and bloody. Suddenly, the good detective loses his nerve and actually flees inside the haunted house, slamming the door with force enough to collapse the stonework above it, blocking the door for anyone to get in or out. Edna blinks back to consciousness and confronts the injured Stewart.

Edna: It didn't work.

Stewart (Slipping off conveniant "injured full-body-suit"): damn... I guess we'll have to go in and actually help them now or we'll all get busted...

Gaff begins his jumpy tromp through the foyer

Gaff: Come out, come out wherever you arrreee!!!!

A pause

Gaff: ...Why do I even bother with that?

Suddenly, as he makes his way through a line of twisting hallways, a door handle slowly twists, and the door creeeeaaakks open. Gaff instinctively aims his weapon... In the face of a hauntingly smiling Chelsea...

Gaff: Allright, what the "f" are you doing here?

Chelsea: I am doing nothing... I'll follow you out...

Gaff: I don't want any trouble...

Chelsea: I don't mean any harm... Go, lead me out of this place.

Still aiming his gun at her, Gaff does. The detective tries his best to recall his way out of the house, but he gets lost

Chelsea: Have you gotten lost, Detective Gaff?

Gaff: No! ...Not surprised you know my name, have I arrested you before?

Chelsea: No... I can help you find your way out.

Gaff (Helplessly): I don't need no help!!!

Chelsea: Fine... Just take the hall to the leffff-t.

Gaff, sensing a trap, instead goes right! ...And ends up somehow falling into the laundry chute, which is wide enough to have him fall into and down the chute to his uncertain doom. Chelsea smiles wide as he sees the detective mumble in the empty laundry basket at the bottom, at his uncertain doom. At the bottom, Gaff sees Chelsea shut the hatch. As Mitchell slowly regains his composure, the laundry basket shoots forward towards the washing machine! Desperately, Gaff picks up his gun again and shoots rapidly into the machine, now spinning at speeds approching 80 miles an hour and flashing in a seizure-inducing black and white!

MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER ROOM, KYLE, RUNNING FROM THE SURPRISINGLY FAST, NOW HOVERING UWE BOLL HAS LOST CHELSEA. HE DOESN'T CARE, AT LEAST SHE'S SAFE! HOWEVER, KYLE KNOWS IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AGAINST A GUY WHO IS A ONLY A SLIGHTLY BETTER FIGHTER THAN FILMMAKER (in his mind, anyhow), HE HAS TO PLAY DIRTY!

Realizing this quickly, Kyle jumps skillfully to the side and attempts to trip Boll with his leg. Unfortunately, all that happens is the apparition of Uwe simply phases through his ankle, momentarily pixelating it!.

Kyle: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The momentary pixelation wears off

Kyle: Heh heh heh! Cool!

Before he has time to fully absorb the coolness however, as the Boll Phantom phases through itself and charges again! This time Kyle is prepared however, as he grabs a lead pipe and brandishes it in front of Boll, as Uwe approaches, Kyle swings away at Boll's gap-tooth. The contact of the blow blows Boll (Try saying that five times fast ) into a cloud of smoke, disappearing as mysteriously as any video-game corpse! Kyle is momentarily bewildered by the ominous vanishing, then ecstatic!

Kyle: YESS!! I totally killed him! This is gonna be easy!! Chelsea, come out here!

Only silence answers.... We cut again from room to room, then back to Kyle

Kyle: Chellllseeeaaa!!!!!

We cut again to the outside, as Stewart and Edna search for another entrance, then back to Kyle

Kyle: Chelllllseeeaaa!!!! .... Chelsea! Get the f**k out here!

[316zombie]

as edna and stewart are searching for an entrance,they hear gaff's 74 malibu suddenly start!the car begins to rev and burn rubber,but there is NO ONE behind the wheel!!stewart yells"chrissy,noooooo!!!"and faints.edna sees that the car has started moving...towards HER!!she runs into the graveyard next to the house.....

[clockworkcanary]

...diving behind a large tombstone (the one with the cross) just as the driverless 74 Malibu plows into the iron rod fence and blows the radiator.  Edna dives over the tombstone to escape near death and falls into an open grave!

She falls six feet down into the empty grave and naturally, the sky gets darker and it starts to rain.  She tries to claw her way up but just slides back down in the mud!  "Help!  Stewart...help me!  I'm stuck!"

Suddenly, a cloaked, shadowy figure looms overhead...

Edna: "Stewart...is that you?"

The figure just stands there...

Edna, again: "Stewart?!"

Lightning flashes to reveal a mysterious person in a yellow rain coat!  We can't make out the face.

Edna, getting angry and a little frightened: "Stewart...stop messin' around!"

The figure kicks a Uwe Boll mask down into the grave with her, stares for a few seconds, and then steps away.  Edna tries to climb up again but falls back down, nails full of mud and clothes soaked through. 

She cries for help again and again, screaming into the rain.  Suddenly the figure is back, but this time with a shovel!   Edna hears the sound of the shovel hitting mud; she looks up to be greeted in the face with moist clauds of raining dirt! 

The figure starts slowly burying her alive!!!!  She screams in horror as the dirt and rain pour down...

[Doc Daneeka]

Somehow, Edna's screams reach a good 50 feet away to awaken Stewart and send him running in to the graveyard after his mutual friend

Stewart: Edna?? EDNAAAA!!!!!

This shout also clearly reaches 50 feet. Edna, now up to her chest in dirt replies in an acknowledging half-whimper

Edna: Stewart?

Somehow even the half-whimper travels 50 feet

Stewart: Edna!!

Stewart runs stumbling into the graveyard, screaming "Edna!" over and over, while Edna screams "Stewart!" in reply, from what now appears to be 100 feet away as Stewart dashes through the graveyard but does not find his friend, now up to her shoulders in dirt (Why she put her arms down and let them be buried, I dunno)

MEANWHILE, KYLE IS DOING SOMETHING SIMILAR

Kyle: Chelsea!!!

Ghostly voice of Chelsea: Kyyyllle...

Kyle: Chelsea!!

Chostly voice of Chelsea: Kyyyylllle....

Kyle: Chelsea, just get out here where I can see you

Chelsea does, wearing the same mysterious smile as she was before with Gaff

Chelsea: Here I am Kyle... Come, take me back...

Kyle: I would have, but you're killing the mood now, let's just screw the whole thing and celebrate 4/20 Eve somewhere else...

Chelsea: You know Kyle, I can kill more than just a mood...

Kyle: Geez, what else can you kill?

We see Chelsea's arms coming around Kyle's shoulders. Kyle turns around to see his girlfirend sprout sores which pop open bleeding, then melt in to a living corpse figure in front of him!

Kyle: BGaaahh!!!

Chelsea: I want you Kyle!!!

Kyle: Chelsea, calm down man! Don't make me kill you!

Kyle backs away from the corpse-Chelsea and into another bleeding-corpse-Chelsea behind him! He backs away again and into yet another Chelsea. The room is soon invaded by several corpse-clones! Kyle picks back up his trusty lead pipe and begins slamming away at the clones, gorily blowing them into bloodier chunks until they all cover the floor.

Kyle: Whew! That was fun, I guess... But how do I get out of this house and-

Deep voice from upper room: Do not worry, your friend is alive!

Kyle: I guess... But how do I get out of this house and-

A panel drops down from the ceiling above Kyle, revealing a hidden staircase from which the once seemingly deceased Colmwood descends

Colmwood: I did not know that I was going to be joined tonight by anyone but my associates and the spirits of the dead and nonliving. I will help you survive this night, but first there is much to teach you!

[clockworkcanary]

...meanwhile Geff, still in the laundry room looks at the washing machine full of holes.  He stares blankly and toughly at it when all of the sudden the dryer cycle stops and out of it pops Nick Nolte's head.

Nick (as himself), "damn...wrong set..."

Geff, "what the hell are ya doing in the dryer?!"

Nick, "well, I'm always looking for the next thing -the latest and greatest head buzz so I hopped in the ol' dryer here ...and lemmie tell ya...what a rush!"

Nick walks off set, hair all tangled galore and Geff just shrugs at the camera.

Like a cat that decides he just has to be in another room, Geff sprints up atop a pile of basement junk towards a barely-visible outside window.  He busts it out with his gun and finds himself in the rose garden.  If he had even the most novice detective skills, he would have noticed the ladder imprints in the mud here but he passes that on by.

Geff sees his '74 Malibu wrecked into the graveyard entrance stone, radiator steaming.  He climbs in the passenger window (door handles are for wussy cops!) and tears through his massive glove box looking for something important.  About this time he hears the familar screams of Edna and Stewart, screaming back and forth at each other from variable distances.

While Geff has his head in his glovebox, the car magically and mystically turns back on and starts doing reverse donuts around the backyard!  This sudden movement thrashes Geff all around but somehow his head is still in the glovebox!  He yells, "Found it!" and just as he pulls his head out he realizes the car is about to ram full force into...

[Doc Daneeka]

The gravedigger. Amazingly, the figure has concentrated on his task slavishly enough that he does not even notice the Malibu careening into him until it is only a few inches away! Just as the gravedigger turns his head, revealing for three frames the pasty, torn face of Boris Karloff (Or an incredible lookalike), the car slams into the gravedigger, rocketing him several yards away. The Malibu slides down into the grave, putting only a few feet of dirt between it and Edna. Holding up the glove-box discovery, Gaff carefully places the thing on his dash before switching his focus from it to his car, shifting it to reverse and flooring it. Unfortunately, the reverse serves only to not only bury Edna even further, but have the car slide even deeper in and closer to her head!

Edna: Stewaaaarrrt!!!!! Haaaaalllp!!!

Finally, Stewart discovers the spectacle and runs forth to protect his friend, jumping in to the muddy grave and diggin like a dog, trying to find hide or hair of her.

Stewart: Edna!! Scream for me again!

Edna: NOOOO!!!!!!

Stewart: That's it Edna, I've found you!

With this, Stewart, finding hair of Edna, grabs her by the neck and begins pulling her up!

Edna: Stewart, you're hurting me!

Stewart: Edna, I've always wanted you to know that I've always-

Stewart, with all his might, manages to pull Edna torso-length from the wet ground

Stewart: I did it!

Edna: You're doing it!

Stewart, finding a better vantage point, grabs her by the arms instead. Seeing the car come nearer however, Stewart bails out and climbs for the top. Edna by this point is free enough to crawl along the top of Gaff's half-submerged car and escape to the top herself. The duo scuttle safely away from the grave, leaving Gaff to sink his car even deeper into the mud. Edna turns her attention toward the gravedigger, escaping into the house

Edna: Stewart!

Stewart: Whaaaaat??

Edna: That was the man who was burying me!

Stewart: Yeah... Let's get out of here!

Edna produces the Boll mask from her pocket and shows it to Stewart

Edna: There's something going on here, let's follow that motha and find out what!

With nothing better to do, Stewart follows Edna, following the digger. Inside Gaff's car, the detective quickly grabs the thing from the dashboard, his gun, and uses the latter to bust out. Witnessing the tragic sinking of his trusty vessel, Gaff lets out an agitated grunt before lifting the glove-compartment object to face level; a mask of the modern-blaxploitation director and softcore actor Zachary Winston Snygg. Inside it there seems to be a tattered note, which Gaff pulls out and reads.

Gaff: Oh, that won't go without a price... I know who you are, and you are goin' down...

[clockworkcanary]

Geff reads the tattered note and it says "I know what you did the summer before last on Friday the 13th, which just happens to be Jamie Lee Curtis's birthday" ...and at the end, he notices a smear of blood on the tattered note, which is obviously a clue.  He also notices a receipt stuck to the inside of the mask.

But rather than investigate further on the receipt and rather than taking the note back to the station for some handwriting studies or for some DNA forensic science-ness, he crumbles it up, slips in his pocket and walks back to the front of the estate.

Since Geff doesn't have his own car where he can sit on his ass for the rest of the scene, he decides Stewart's will do just fine.  He proceeds to stake out the place sitting in Stewart's front seat, ignoring the newer screams from inside the house.  He doesn't even notice another silhouetted figure from the dirt-caked second-story window pearing down at him.

As he's dumping Stewart's ashtray outside the car window, some kid on a skateboard rolls up, "my mom doesn't like you"

Geff: "Well I don't like her either"

Kid: "what?"

Geff: "What?"

Kid: "stop repeating me"

Geff: "stop repeating me"

Kid: "you're lying through your teeth!"

Geff: "buzz off kid huh?"

Kid: "buzz off!"

Geff, yelling: "I said BUZZ OFF KID!"

...and the kid runs like hell!  But not because of Gaff.

Geff notices in the rear view mirror there stands a figure in a yellow hooded raincoat with a plaster Michael Bay mask - this camera shot is apparently through an orange filter.   Geff notices whomever is wearing the mask has a nose bleed.

Lightning strikes as...

[Doc Daneeka]

-Inside, Stewart and Edna make their way into the cellar of the house, it looks just as the cellar of any creepy haunted house would, full of cobwebs, wine bottles, farm equipment, etc...

Edna: Look at this place!

Stewart: I'd rather not!

Edna: There could be anything in this cellar... Hey, we're technically just here to rescue Kyle and Chelsea, but since we're here let's look for clues and try to uncover the mystery of this old place!

Stewart (Hysterical): I'd rather not!!

MEANWHILE, COLMWOOD MUMBLES THE SECRET TO THE OLD HOUSE TO KYLE

Colmwood (As we finally hear him clearly): I was an idiot! I found out for myself tonight... And that is why you must defeat the evils of this place in order to save your friend as well as this dead-end town...

Kyle: 'kay.

Colmwood: Have you been listening?!

Kyle: Yeh, yeh- Well, not really so close, no...

Colmwood: Listen... Listen!! I accidentally broke the final seal tonight, if you can't stop this evil by the morning this house will be fully corrupted, by the end of the week so will the town... I shudder to think if after that-

Kyle: Hey, you know a lot of stuff about this house, why is that cool video game movie guy in here?

Colmwood: Video-game movie guy? What video game movie guy?

Kyle: He said his name was Trevor... or Arjen or...

Colmwood: Uwe Boll?!

Kyle: Mebbe, I think...

Colmwood: What is he doing here-

Kyle: hell if I know... What if he's making some kind of remake of Resident Evil in a haunted house?! :D

Colmwood: No! Listen to me, it's not really Uwe Boll, it's-

Colmwood is suddenly snatched screaming from the shadows by a giant shadowy hand!

Kyle: Old man?? Woody?? ...Where'd you go?!

Kyle looks down to see that Colmwood has dropped another book, written in strange enscriptions. Seeing this, he immediately begins walking away

Kyle: I'd better tell the guys about that! ...damn, I thought I was gonna meet the real Uw- Uu-- Um, Umbert- Trevor Moses...

[clockworkcanary]

...lightning strikes as Gaff empties Stewart's car ashtray for no apparent reason (well, he is a "cop on the edge!").  He steps outta the car all macho-like, or at least he thinks so, peering back at the hooded figure, rain pouring like crazy, hand held close to his holster and gun, "you think you can take me? huh?  HUH?!"

The figure just stares back blankly, green rubber dishes gloves, rubber boots, yellow rain slicker, huge axe in hand, and Michael Bay's wretched face mask with a bloody nose peering back!  Suddenly, the figure points behind Geff!

Gaff, hearing and ignoring teen voices from inside the house, "hah! that's the oldest trick in th..." and at once, someone from behind slams a rubbermaid trashcan over Geff's head before he can reach his gun.  Whomever it is, they beat the snot outta him and throw him up against the house.  Geff rolls over in the front flower garden as he hears another car approach!  Next he hears some footsteps, followed by someone going through the front door -something of an alien concept to Geff here.

He lays there kinda stuck for what seems like forever...thrashing and wailing back n forth.  Finally, someone grabs the trash can and helps him pull it off his big fat greasey head.  Mitchell Gaff looks up to discover he was helped by...