HYDRA (2009) A Parenthetical Review With Many Spoilers

[indianasmith]

Yeesh.  This one was bad, bad, bad.  ALthough not labelled as such on the box, I suspect it was a Sci-Fi Original, which I generally try to avoid on principle (they should label those things more clearly, but the big red UNRATED sticker drew me in like a fly to sugar!).

Archeologists land on a remote, "uninhabited, unexplored, and almost uncharted" island in the Mediterranean near Sardinia (Now think about that a minute.  The most heavily travelled and fought over sea in the world for 3000 years, and there is an island in it matching that description??) in search of the lost Temple of Zeus, where the legendary sword of Hercules (Rule Number One of B-Movies - almost anything referred to in the first 10 minutes of a movie as "legendary" or "mythical" turns out to be real) is supposedly kept (I am trying for a record number of parenthetical interruptions here, by the way).  Within minutes, all three male archeologists are devoured by the hydra (who is rendered in 1990's video game quality CGI, and whose victims vanish in spurts of CGI-rendered blood which are more realistic than the Hydra but not as realistic as the fake CGI blood in 300), who then turns on the sole female archeologist (but she isn't eaten yet; attractive women who have not yet had sex onscreen NEVER get killed in the opening moments of a movie this bad. Yes, there was Drew Barrymore in SCREAM, but that was just one time. And that was a WAY better movie than this) before the camera cuts to a big freighter where four bound prisoners are being held in the hold (like that clever use of alliteration?) with no idea how they got there or what is going on (so they ask each other cliched questions), but then all  is explained moments later (Bad movies ALWAYS explain at some point how total strangers wind up bound and gagged in a place none of them have ever been before).  It seems that the four millionaires who are swilling champagne in the galley (Does ANYONE in the movies besides Forrest Gump EVER drink Dr. Pepper???) all lost loved ones under tragic or violent circumstances, and that the responsible parties all somehow beat the rap under our flawed legal system (because in the movies, only innocent people are ever sent to jail for any reason.  Real criminal scum always beat the rap and gloat about it!).  And the bound prisoners held in the hold (oops!  I alliterated again!) are all people who did horrible things and then beat the rap in court.  So the millionaires who are paying $10 million each to hunt them down and kill them (why do all millionaires in B-movies have such a mean streak?  Couldn't we just have one nice, Santa Claus like millionaire in one of these movies who flies in on a helicopter and saves everybody at the last minute?  oh, wait, JURASSIC PARK.  Never mind.  But that was an actually GOOD movie) believe they will be doing society a favor.
   Of course, the scouts sent to check out this island for the little hunt become Hydra food (because monsters in B-movies have to eat roughly every 5 minutes or they will lose their scaly, svelte figures) almost immediately and don't answer their radios, but the ship sends the prisoners ashore anyway, to give them a 24 hour head start.
  The guards who take them to the island also become Hydra food on their way back to the boat (I don't know how much longer I can do this!  Movie . . . . so . . .  bad . . . need . . . . Spielberg . . . .fix!!!!!), but the three prisoners are left alone for the whole 24 hours to try and spring boobie traps (no, not traps baited with attractive topless women.  That would have been an improvement!  These are things like springloaded stakes, punji pits, log rolls, etc.  No bare boobies whatsoever in this movie) for the  hunters.  Of course. the attractive female prisoner is a battered wife who snapped and shot her cruel, abusive husband to death (because it makes for a boring movie if she just divorces him and moves to another state), and the MAN OF MYSTERY whose file was largely blank is a U.S. Commando set up by his Commanding Officer in Iraq for threatening to report him for war crimes (because, according to Hollywood, all American troops are either noble victims, or they are vicious war criminals - at least those stupid enough to go serve the evil Bush monster's bidding in the Middle East).  The one criminal who is really a criminal ( a rapist, to be precise) is shot down by one of the hunters (right after he [the prisoner that is, not the hunter] tries to rape battered girl and gets a face full of knuckles from man of mystery) , who is then gobbled up by the Hydra (who bites him into several chunks.  Notably, the screaming continues several seconds AFTER his head is ripped off!)   Meanwhile, out of nowhere, the female archeologist shows up, having evaded the Hydra's embrace for several months and lived in the wild the whole time (which is shown by the fact that her clothes are somewhat faded and a few stray hairs are straggling across her face, never mind the full make-up and lipstick.)  She explains to the three surviving fugitives what she is doing there (while the Hydra slithers off and devours another hunter) and tries to enlist their help in recovering the Sword of Hercules (wait a minute!!! Didn't Hercules KILL the Hydra with his sword??? THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!) so they can get off the island and she can write her dissertation (because it would be unthinkable to abandon the project just because three other archeologists all became snake snacks!).  But first they have to snare the last two hunters and lure the ship's captain (who is mystery man's commanding officer from Iraq) into coming to the island so they can steal his boat before the volcano blows them all up (because tropical islands, especially uncharted ones in the Mediterranean, ALWAYS have volcanoes in B-movies!).  Meanwhile, the ship's owner, who sets up these hunts for his wealthy clients (and also has a painful loss in his past, so they can identify with him and he can rationalize what he is doing) and his hot blonde wife (because villains NEVER have ugly spouses) are getting worried and want the ship's captain to go and rescue their hunters, so they can pay the rest of their fee (apparently only 10% was collected up front).  He is anxious to see to it that his former subordinate never leaves the island allive (and of course, they have a belligerent, "Come-and-get-me-you-coward" conversation on the radio first!).
    And then . . . ah heck!  it's nearly ONE A.M.! Why am I wasing time writing about this horrible movie? (Evidence would suggest sheer masochism!)  I am going to bed!  AVOID THIS MOVIE!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! (and now, you have been warned parenthetically.  This movie stinx!!!)

(Oh, OK, you can see it if you want to, but don't say I didn't warn you!)

(Goodnight!)

[Javakoala]

That made my head hurt and my eyes bleed.

I can't thank you enough.  The mail bomb is on its way.

[Flangepart]

Good things: Useful warning about a trash flick...thats why it belongs on Sci-Fi.
Bad thing: Red words, hard to read...make Hulk angry!
Neat trick: Highlight turns it into easy read white and blue.

[indianasmith]

I was in an unusual state of sleep-deprived euphoria when I wrote that.  Sorry!