best / worst "wife" jokes.

[macabre]

hi
  MY WIFE IS SO FAT ,THE ASTEROID BELT WOULDN,T FIT ROUND HER WAIST.
MY WIFES NICKNAME IS "ECLIPSE" ON THE ACCOUNT THAT WHEN SHE STANDS UP SHE BLOTS OUT THE SUN..
MY WIFE CAN,T ASK "MIRROR MIROR ON THE WALL WHO IS THE FAIREST ONE OF ALL" ON THE ACCOUNT THAT EVERY TIME SHE LOOKS IN A MIRROR IT SMASHES.
MY WIFE IS SO BIG SHE HAS HER OWN PERSONAL POST/ZIP CODE.
YOU GET THE DRILL BY NOW GUYS. WHATTS YOUR FAV WIFE JOKE?
P.S MY WIFE HAS NO IDEA I VISIT THIS SITE....
  MACABRE

[Derf]

She does now. I traced your IP address, found out your identity, and sent her this thread address. Been nice (and short) knowing ya, macabre.

Kidding. Or am I? [Bum bum BUMMMMMMM!]

Let's see, not that this applies to MY wife, but:

My wife's butt is so big, the last time she mooned somebody, Neil Armstrong stuck a flag on it.

[Doggett]

My wife's butt is so big, the last time she mooned somebody, Neil Armstrong stuck a flag on it.

Derf's wife is so big that when she jumps in the water, the water jumps out !




I'm sure Derf's wife is totally gorgeous and not fat at all. 

[The Burgomaster]

Here are some from Henny Youngman:

* Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

* I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

* I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

* My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

* Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

* Take my wife... Please!

* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

[Andrew]

hi
  MY WIFE IS SO FAT ,THE ASTEROID BELT WOULDN,T FIT ROUND HER WAIST.
MY WIFES NICKNAME IS "ECLIPSE" ON THE ACCOUNT THAT WHEN SHE STANDS UP SHE BLOTS OUT THE SUN..
MY WIFE CAN,T ASK "MIRROR MIROR ON THE WALL WHO IS THE FAIREST ONE OF ALL" ON THE ACCOUNT THAT EVERY TIME SHE LOOKS IN A MIRROR IT SMASHES.
MY WIFE IS SO BIG SHE HAS HER OWN PERSONAL POST/ZIP CODE.
YOU GET THE DRILL BY NOW GUYS. WHATTS YOUR FAV WIFE JOKE?
P.S MY WIFE HAS NO IDEA I VISIT THIS SITE....
  MACABRE

Please do not post in all caps.

[Rev. Powell]

My wife was so fat, I could make a plausible case that she died of natural causes.

My wife's life insurance policy was so fat, I stashed the proceeds in an unnumbered account in Barbados so the IRS couldn't get their hands on it.

[Jack]

I came home one day and found my wife packing her bags.  I said "Where are you going?"  She said "I'm going to Las Vegas.  I hear you can get $100 for sex there."  So I started packing my luggage as well.  "What do you think you're doing?"  She asked.  "Oh, I'm coming to Las Vegas with you.  I'd love to watch you try to live off $200 a year."

[Derf]

Derf's wife is so big that when she jumps in the water, the water jumps out !




I'm sure Derf's wife is totally gorgeous and not fat at all. 

Nice save attempt, Doggett, but be aware that my wife's backhand rivals Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, and she's got a looooong reach. You might want to randomly duck & dodge for the next few days. 

[Trevor]

My wife is such a terrible cook: you pray after you eat.  

My wife's a little kinky: she likes to tie me up and then go out with other people.

My wife is so scary that she terrified Chuck Norris.  




PS: I'm not married, btw.

[Leah]

My wife is so scary that she terrified Chuck Norris.  

we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!

[Flick James]

Q: What's an appropriate amount to spend on a watch for your wife after ten years of marriage?
A: What's she need a watch for? There's a clock on the stove.

A police officer pulls a man over and approaches the window. The man says "What can I help you with, officer?"

The cop says, "Are you aware that a woman fell out of your vehicle several miles back?

The man's eyes dart to the passenger seat, then, back to the officer, saying "That was my wife officer. Is she okay?"

The officer says "yes, just minor cuts and bruises. You weren't aware she had fallen out of the car?"

The man replies "No. I was just beginning to think I had gone deaf."

[Raffine]

My wife is so homely you could throw her in the lake and skim ugly for a week.