My Thoughts on The Barbarian Brothers (1987)

[Barry Fletcher]

“IN RESPONSE TO A REVIEW OF THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS(1987)”

Hello Folks:

   I saw The barbbarian Brothers when it first came out in theaters when I visiting some people in Los Angeles, California.  Anyway I saw it with about less than twenty people in a place that had eight hundred seats.  It left the theater three days later.  From then on that theater make it a policy never show any more Cannon movies.  Did you know the day I saw it two-third of the audiences where people who hard worked on the movie, including the infamous stars of the flick, the Barbarian Brothers.  Needless-to-say, they including most of their fellow cast or film crew knew it was crap they saw it on the silver screen.  It was the first time that I remember people who were associate with the movies they made, being actually ashamed to admitted they put forked a lousy product.  Unusually, people would try to bulls**t about some outstanding merit their piece of s**t movie has.
   
   Anyhow, the only thing I like about the film, itself, was the first time apart from Conan the Barbarian(1982) with dear Annie, oh course, barbaric warriors or the heroes look like they belong in the period.  If any of you can remember the old Italian swords and sandals movies from the sixties, the one thing that bug me, was the fact, how the heroes were always portray as clean-shaven, with short hair and wearing clothes that were more suited for either a gay leather bar or something even a New York drag queen would not be got dead in.  In other words,  they over-dressed for the time period they represented in the movie.  
   
   I always hated when the costume designer could get it wrong about what various classes wore back in the ancient world.  Since the hero was part of the peasantry class back then, he would had show off his body by simply wearing simple little linen breech-clouts and wore-out footwear.  His body was had been tanned from working in the hot all sun all day.  His faced would had a beard on it.  His hair would have been long and pass his shoulder blades.  He would had smell and his body caked with dirt or mud from working in the rock quarry or building a temple to the gods.  
   
   Believe me when I tell you the fantasy hero would not look like he has just step has step out some sort of modern day hair salon.  Nor would his fingers be manicure and clean of dirt.  By the way, people, back then in certain region, there would had been nomadic tribe with a lot of body hair in their racial stock or gene pool.  It only a modern day style where people preferred not to be seen in public with other people who looked like some kind of woolen mammoth from the Ice Age.  Hair on a man’s body back then was a big turn on and a sign of a truly masculine male and a fierce barbaric warrior.  
   
   The outfits that I have seen in pictures dealing with the Ancient World would not be made of leather straps or harnesses or even breech-clouts.  Leather chaffs the skin in hot weather.  Leather is not a good insulator against the cold, also. A lot of times I would see the hero wearing heavily embroiled clothing that would be way--way out  of place for the peasantry class he represented in the movie.  The clothing would look great on a Circus act (Siegfieg and Roy) in the Twentieth Century but not on what people were wearing back then.  
   
   Anyway, the Barbarian Brothers’ muscular built made them look like they are suited for things you expect a typical barbaric warrior would do at the time.  If any of you remember some of the actors in the sword and sandals movies back then?  You probably remember that lot of them have much smaller built than the Barbarian Brothers.  For instant, actors like Kirk Morris or even Gordon Scott had a physical bodybuilding frame of one hundred and seventy pounds to one hundred and ninety pounds at the most that would have placed them in the middleweight division of any bodybuilding contest being held today.  However, back than it was the norm.  Mark Forest, Reg Park, and the legendary Steve Reeves would had been considered the superfreaks because they came around two hundred and five to two hundred and twenty pounds tops.  
   
   It mean that when you saw either Kirk Morris or even Gordon Scott breaking free or their iron chains or lifting an huge boulder and throwing it at enemy troops the effect was unbelievable because you would not think that such a skinny guy would have such fantastic strength as his fantasy character claimed.  With the massive built of the Barbarian Brother two hundred and fifty pounds plus frame you can easily believe any kind of Test-of-Strength Contest the villain decide to put them in.  unfortunately, the screenplay was so underdeveloped that they only get a chance to show off how power their muscles when they where being hang by the very people who had raised them.  
   
   To top it all off, the sex scenes was very chaste in the movie.  In the old sword and sandals movies, the hero would quickly fall in love with the woman he rescued, and they would both ride off into the sunset at the end of the move.  Here, the heroes both acted like immature frat boys during spring break but without the traditional sexual escapades one would expect of them.  Movies played Porky One to Three but without chance of seeing someone getting laid in the process.  How lame is that, folks!  It did not help to have some black actress as the heroine who act she was the lone black student slumbering at some private school for rich, white folks.  You know that black chick on the ‘Fact of Life’ T.V. show back in the eighties.  
   
   At least the old sword and sandals films, you had a basic plotline that was both entertaining and full of action at the same time.  You knew hero would show up and help the poor, beautiful princess win back her throne and free her oppressed subjects from the evil ruler.  You always knew that villain would put the hero in some sort of contest would he would get a chance to flex his muscles and later on, have a sword duel with the evil ruler in the end.  
   
   You knew the beautiful princess would asked the hero to rule beside her or she would give up her throne in favorite of her brother and go off to live with the hero in his tent.  Here, you get none of that.  It looked like somebody forget to write a decent script before they started filming.  The scriptwriter either forget or was just too lazy created an interesting villain and his evil female co-partner-in-crime.  In the old days, the villainess would try to seduced the hero into joining her in getting rid of the villain so they can rule the kingdom together.  Naturally, the All-American hero would turn her down.  This time, they could had one or both of them sleep with the evil witch and then turn her down but after a night of very hot sex.  
   
   Another thing, the producers should gotten another bodybuilder to play the villain.  It would be a nice test of strength or duel to the death contest involving two Mr. Olympia contenders going at each other.  I had always thought it was kind of stupid having a skinny villain facing off against the a massively-built hero.  It more fun to watch two massive guys in loincloth whaling at each other and tying  knock the other out.  
   
Other rants about Sword and  Sandals Movies:  
   
   How many times has anyone seen or even read a story that as a feudal medieval setting where the lower class has a successful revolt against the evil king.  A lone hero can ride into the countryside and teach the lower classes how to be fierce killing machines with wooden farm tools.  In these kind of stories any unharmed, semi-naked person on the ground and successfully take on a hired-mercenary who is on horseback and fully encased in armor.  Oh really, who ever wrote this crap or made this crap up wants the audience to truly believe that a single man in loin-cloth and a great pair of muscled biceps can lead the peasants in a revolt against the evil king and his well-equipped and well-seasoned army.  
   
   IN REAL LIFE, the peasantry usually gets themselves screw in the end.  Remember folks, wooden farm tools do not stands a chance against the cold, hard steel of experienced mercenary troop.  There was no muscle-bound, scantily-clothed hero around to save the rebel forces, the leaders got themselves hung, or even worse, draw and quarter--Remember Bravehart(1995).  The women who participate in the revolt were handed over to the men in the barracks and did not last long after many a rough night of hot and heavy brutal sex.  Their children afterwards, would had grow up knowing a lot about their pitiful fate in a rigid class society.  
   
   How many sword and sandals stories I had seen where Hercules, Samson, or whom-ever show up and the bad guys are IN instant trouble.  The semi-naked hero would throw a couple or boulders or tables at the guards who always manages to charge at him in groups.  Why is it, nobody thinks of surrounding the hero in a ring of raised swordsblades or spearheads?  Why do the villains always insist on coming at the muscle-bound hero one at a time and wait until he well-rested after each fight to charge him again?  Why is it that semi-naked hero with nothing but his super-strength and raw courage can always be counted on to defeated very-easily a company of well-armed guards or well-seasoned soldiers?  
   
   I do not believe that some beautiful bar wench with huge set of  breasts and shapely, fine buttocks is going to lead a successful peasant revolt against the lawful king and a well-armed noble class, even if the great Conan the Barbarian or another one of the bastard sons of Hercules is on her side.  The Gods back then, according to their priests/ priestesses had strong beliefs in slavery and a strong class structure society.  
   
   Nor do I believed that evil queen will always have her plans ruined because she has the hots for the muscular hero who is only interested in saving the world.  Why doesn’t the hero uses his great body and innocent charms to seduced the evil queen and make her see the errors of hers ways like James Bond does with the evil women in his movies.  
   
   By the way, has anyone every notice the evil king does not trust no one to help him carry out his mad schemes of empire-building?  For instant, he is always help to the throne through the love of an bad woman.  You will know that the evil tramp will died by his foul hands in the end.  Look, one of the purpose of royalty is to provide an legitimate heir to the throne.  If the evil king can not do so, then his dreams of an mighty empire dies with him on his deathbed.  
   
   Another thing, evil kings are supported by money from the taxing the rich and foreign conquest.  Why do they always insisted in these movies, that the peasantry should give them the money?  In real life, the manpower for his army and navy comes from the noble class.  Why the muscle-bound hero always believe that there is no such thing as the noble classes in these kingdoms.  Also, the upper class is just going to stand by and let the peasants have an equal say in the newly-formed government?  I don’t think so!  

Sign:

Barry Fletcher
e410773@yahoo

[yaddo42]

I'll say this for you, you're certainly entertaining. I thought the other topic you started was a one-off fluke.

Can I ask  you a question: Is English your first language?

[Damien]

I would love to see a good sword and sandals movie that plays like a D&D game... Something that I wish the D&D movie could of did (well if the writers did play the game they would know what we 'sword and sandals lovers' would love to see in the movie)

[Scott]

Wow

[Newt]

Barry Barry Barry.

The women fall for the buff guy.   Get over it.  It's a hormonal thing.

And by the way, leather is warm enough in cold weather.  I work horses all winter (in Canada) wearing chaps - for the warmth.

[Lee]

Barry, I think you need to spend some time on the couch.

[Barry Fletcher]

Hello Newt:

   Yes, they do.  However, if she the queen then one would expect more common sense from her. take the eamples of both Catharine the Great and Elizabeth The First.  Both of them had a bunch of lovers in their lives, but it did not stop them from turning both of their respected counties into great empires.  It seems that the way women rulers or potential leaders are often protray thinking with their ovaries instead of their keen minds.  Which is funny considering the great impact the Greek and Roman goddess play in the Ancient World in helplfully guilding the lives of moral men.  However, these films which take place in that time period totally igore the fact.  

   Okay good thich leather in winter. However, in sword and sandals world of barbaric warriors, scantily, thin leather is the norm.  Which is great when the artist or wrister wants to show off how powerfully-built the hero is. However, it is totally impractiacal when they have the hero travaling through three feet of snow while waearing very little clothing or walking around in hot climate without any headgear.

Sign:

Barry Fletcher
e4107773@yahoo.com

Have great day and a continued plesant week.

[yaddo42]

Maybe that's why it's called the fantasy genre, not everything has to be realistic when telling a story.

[Lee]

I totally agree yaddo. It amazes me how many people don't under stand that.