OT(In a way):My speech on "How to Survive a Slasher Movie"

[daveblackeye15]

Yesterday rocked! Yesterday three great things happened. 1) It snowed HERE! IN EUGENE OREGON! It's rare that we get decent snow here, so that put me in a good mood.2) I passed my writing test for driving, you see I've been taking practice writing exams for driving and last week I told the teacher that I wanted to take one more practice before the real deal, well I took it and it turns out she switched it with the real thing and I passed. God that's just funny as hell, my eyes bulged out when I heard it was the real test. Now for the best part: 3) In my speech class we had to make a topic for a speech where we would have the audencide as two diffrent groups of people. My topic was "How to survive a Slasher movie" the first group was "the killers" and the second group was "the Final Girls". I got a "A" on it! The people just laughed so hard at all the do/don'ts. My teacher laughed at it also and said he was telling it to his wife about it. People who were absent were being told about my "Slasher" speech. MAN my "Slasher" speech is probably one of the funniest and funnyest speechs ever. What a great day.

Quote from speech:(Audience as Slashers) now the weapons for Slashers are divided up into five simple groups they are Knives, Axes,Gardening Tools, Workshop Tools, and bigger knives.

[The Burgomaster]

Hmmmm.  When I was in college I took a speech class.  My final presentation was on skin cancer.  I got an "A" on it, but I can't imagine that it was nearly as funny or interesting as your speech.

[Brother Ragnarok]

More people need to give cool speeches like that, kudos, Dave.
I had a speech class a couple years ago and my final was on special makeup FX.  I showed the transformation scene from American Werewolf in London and it freaked a lot of people out (the class was obviously a bunch of horror newbies, good thing I didn't show them anything really gross like Cannibal Holocaust).

Brother R

[Jim H]

Paste the speech in here, or at least a quote from it.

[daveblackeye15]

This is the first half of my speech:

"I'm going to teach how to survive a Slasher movie. Now for my first audience: you are all killers, you're about six feet tall, strong, you have a urge to kill teens, and your ugly..or downright hideous. Now you're walking along in the woods and your radar tells you that there are eight teenagers in a cabin not far from you. But before you get on with the deed you first must characterize yourself, you know you must give yourself a distinusling look, such as but a hockey mask on, or light your face on fire and dunk it into a pool of water. That way you have that redish burnt look of Freddy Krugear and if you are missing a hand no problem add a hook or a knife to the stump and there you go, you look scary!. Now the second most important detail is find some weapons. Don't worry you don't have to bring your own weapons there are always plenty of sharp objects at the cabin. To help you out the weapones have been divided into five simple catagories they are: Knives,Axes,Gardening Tools, Workshop Tools, and Bigger Knives. Ok you are all set and ready to go, WHOA HOLD ON THERE! You can't jus break down the door and kill everyone at once, that would be rude, you gotta stock everyone for about five mintues THEN grissely kill em. After killing everyone except for one, this last one is always a woman and she is the dreaded Final Girl. you gotta be careful with this one. You see it's so hard to kill because instead of fighting you head on she runs away a whole bunch and you need to run after her. And another thing she does is she uses Gorilla Warfare, like she'll hide behind a bush and when you're right by the bush she whirls out and kicks you in the genitals. Now even though you'll drop your weapon and will be bowled over she'll just run away again instead of picking up your weapone and finishing you off(Shrugs shoulders and makes the "I dunno why" face). She'll do this about two more times until she finally goes on the offensive. Now the Final Girl will most likely slash you across the back or the chest, you know not exectaly a kill wound, but you have to play dead...so fall over. Keep playing dead even when she takes your diginity away by removeing your mask and seeing your ugly face. After that she'll walk away, now's the time to get up and kill her because her guards down. Now I can't guairinte that you'll win, but you have a fifty percent chance of killing her, while you have a fifty percent chance of her killing you, like she'll put a axe in your face or something really similar to that."

*WHEW* that was quite a bit of typing. Anyway this is part one the second part is how a Final Girl Survives a Slasher Movie. Hope you enjoy this speech of mine.

[Flangepart]

Love the "Shrugs sholders and makes "I don't know why" face." Good sight gag!

[daveblackeye15]

Here's the second half of my speech:

"All righty then, I just told you how to survive a slasher movie as the killer,now I'm going to tell you how to survive a slasher movie as a Final Girl. You're all now Final Girls, you're actractive women and you have a bad feeling about going to the cabin. Now, the number one thing for you NOT to do is: go to a cabin with your friends. Sadly this rule is broken 100 percent of the time ,so now I can't so easyly guarainte that you'll live. The second most important thing to do is: when you arrive at the cabin....do NOTHING!. You're safest if you do nothing, the thing's you that your MUST NOT DO are Drink Beer/have sex/smoke pot/get naked. If you gotta take a shower then wear your clothes when you do. If you take a shower naked then you're gonna die in five minutes. The next rule is: NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE! Just pick a spot to sit and sit there for the next few hours, keep sitting there even when the lights go out. Don't check on the lights, wait until one of your friends voluenters to go out and check on the fuse box ,often it'll be a man but sometimes women do this, if you friend doesn't come back...keep on sitting there because someone else will voluenter to go search for him/her. After a few hours you'll notice that all your friends are gone, before you can start looking for them, a huge six foot tall man wearing a hockey mask jumps out in front of you! He holds a axe in one hand which drips blood. All right you've come face to face with the killer this section of the movie is called "The Final Girl chased by The Killer section" why does it have the word "Chased" in it? Well instead of attacking the Killer head on you ,the final girls, have to run away from him a whole bunch. When you run away from him you use Gorilla Warfare. For example: You hide behind a bunch, when the killer walks by you kick him in the genitals. DON'T FINISH HIM OFF! Don't pick his weapone up and stab him with it because he might recover and grab your neck and snap it, the best thing to do is run away from some more. Keep doing this to him for 2 or 3 more times until after doing so, you grap a knife and give him a good slash across his chest or back. Don't stab him again because he's gotta be dead, he didn't even get up after you took his mask off and saw he hideous face. So you can relax now people the killer is dead..AAA! Wait he's surprize attacking you grap the nearest weapone and aim for his head this time! Sorry people when you're the Final Girl you have a fifty percent chance of surviving, but even when you survive you still have a good chance of having to go to a phycatrist because you've gone insane from the whole movie. And that's how you survive a Slasher movie people!"

the end. I hope you enjoy the second halfe