OT (Sort of): The Things I Learned While Watching Charles Bronson Movies

[Chopper]

WARNING: Not to be taken seriously.

1. No matter what you do for a living, urban cops are the most tortured people in the world. (Murphy's Law & all of Bronson's 80's cop films)

2. If one of your friends or family are ever hurt by evil thugs, DO NOT consult the authorities in any matter. Instead, buy an illegal firearm, a ski-mask (preferably black, it's so much more threatening), and become a psychotic mercenary who takes matters into his own hands. (the Death Wish series)

3. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard. (Hard Times)

4. Military training always makes you a better vigilante. (Mr. Majestyk)

Anyone got any other Charles Bronson movie lessons?

[The Burgomaster]

1.  Your jacket, shirt, tie, and pants don't necessarily need to match.

2. Forget about acceptable police procedures . . . just kick down doors and shoot people instead.

3. Even a wrinkled, grizzled old man can sleep with hot young chicks.

4. If you're an actor, don't be afraid to play the same character in every movie, regardless if he's a cop, watermelon farmer, architect, or whatever.

[Chopper]

LoL. so true, who cares about the due process rights, correct? just violate the constitution and take matters into your own hands!

[Dave Munger]

- If you make a surprisingly decent movie, unfortunately titled "Death Wish", in which your character's family is terroized by thugs, but makes no attempt to find out who said thugs are, since there's no evidence to go on, but instead arms himself and starts going for walks at night and defending himself against anyone who messes with him (none of whom have anything to do with the original thugs (including Jeff Goldblum)), then follow that up with about 30 formulaic sequels, everyone will confuse the original with the sequels and call it a revenge movie.

- If you're claustrophobic and digging a tunnel (The Great Escape), tell people you're claustrophobic before the big break out, so they can plan ahead for that.

- The more you look like the last guy anyone would want to mess with, the sooner some cheap punks will start messing with you (see also the part of Terminator 1 right after he materializes. Who played mohawk guy in that?)

[Kory]

Mustaches make you look tough.

[Chopper]

haha very good additions Dave & Kory. i think if you're old, have Lithuanian decent (Bronson), and squint a lot, then punks will automatically have to mess with you.

no but on a serious note, there's just something about Bronson style revenge films i like. maybe it's their absolute lack or morals, the sheer entertainment, their audacity, i don't know what it is!

[Yaddo42]

-Never trust Jan-Michael Vincent, no matter how much he kisses your ass. It will end badly.

-Do not stop shooting at the bad guys to tell little Mexican kids, who have decided to take care of your grave in the event you die, to get under cover. The little ghouls will get what they deserve.

-The secret to a happy marriage, is to include your wife in every film possible, no matter how out of place she looks.

-Costar with James Coburn a lot, the films are usually better. Doesn't always hold true with Lee Marvin however.

-Henry Fonda hates harmonicas.

-Hiding under the bed makes you invisible to lesbians.

-Do not use a snow bank as a gun rest while waiting for large animals to attack.

-Dogs are more trouble than they are worth.

[Chopper]

i take it you got the part about being under the bed of lesbians from the Evil That Men Do?

your Bronson knowledge is quite impressive young grasshoppa, you may leave the temple.

[raj]

Not to mention highe- ups in the police force don't know anything, and don't care about protecting citizens.

[Chopper]

very true. in Charles Bronson land the politics of policing are equivalent to that of fascism, and only the low-ranking, mean detectives can save the world!

[JohnL]

The best way to win a bar fight is to grab a guy's crotch and twist!