River of Darkness (2011 - starring Kurt Angle, Psycho Sid and Kevin Nash)

[R-T-C Tim]

Wow, I've not been around these parts for far too long but I found this film on DVD, couldn't resist it and knew it would be right up this forum's alley.

With pro-wrestling comes pro-wrestling stars who think they can be actors as well. Worked fine for Hogan and The Rock and seems to be working well for John Cena and Steve Austin from the WWE, but when Kurt Angle of TNA decided to have a shot at being an actor we entered bad movie territory!

The main problem is that while most of the other wrestlers started their film careers in action roles where acting skills were unimportant, Angle decided to start off with straight roles and in River of Darkness he is playing a small town sheriff with no action scenes at all - unfortunately his acting (so wooden that Team 3D thought it was a table) is not up to the job of the part. Not that this affects the film particularly since it is the most generically cliché horror movie to emerge on DVD in the last decade.

The writer (who is also the director and producer) might have been trying to make a tribute to the old 1980s horror films, but he does so by merely aping their most uninteresting aspects to the extent that I would readily have believed it if told that the script was actually an unused screenplay from 1987. There is no reference to modernity or to the evolution of the slasher film and as an exploitation piece it fails on every level - a tiny amount of blood and not even a hint of sex or nudity. For some reason Kevin Nash and Psycho Sid Vicious (now there is a blast from the past!) play the zombie-like villains although you would be hard pushed to recognise them except in the extreme close-ups they have to use.

Horror fans can safely pass, bad movie fans might well want to tune in when this descents to late night TV hell. Wrestling fans with a morbid curiosity might enjoy this, but please don't pay much for it!

Inexplicably available in the UK a month before the US release with some amazingly misleading cover-art, due for US release at the end of the month.

My full vitriolic review, with screencaps at - River of Darkness DVD review