Beowulf

[Royce Day]

Pity poor Beowulf.  Beloved hero of many an English Lit class, ignored by Hollywood, even though his tale is clearly in the public domain, and has the classic Hollywood trappings of a buff hero, an outpost under siege, an eeeeeeeeeevil monster, and the Alien Queen (er, I mean Grendel's Mother).  At least that was the case until 1999, when two films were released based on Beowulf's legendary deeds.  The first was "The Thirteenth Warrior" a reality based tale that translated the epic's monsters and heroes into primitive barbarians up against slightly less primitive Norsemen, with Antonio Banderas along for the ride.

The second film was... um... this...

Okay, it's called "Beowulf."  It's got a castle under seige run by a fellow named Hrothgar.  It's got a monster who gets his arm ripped off by a guy named Beowulf (Christopher Lambert, he of too many "Highlander" films).  It's got the monster's mum who is rightfully ticked off about this.  Any other relation to the northern saga of the same name is purely coincidental.

You're first warning should come when the title card appears, looking suspiciously like the opening for "Mortal Kombat" which isn't much of a surprise since the films were made by the same producer.  After that we're introduced to a world that could be described as "industrial feudal".  The castle besieged by the Beast has gas lighting and electricity, and many of the knights seem to be wearing armor that suspiciously looks like spacesuits. [1]

The film's production design is it's only saving grace.  The techno-fuedal look is nifty, but the action is pure hokum.  Chris Lambert plays his usual tough guy persona, only without Conner McCloud's sense of humor.   The other actors are no-names who put themselves forward with a minimum of embarrassment, except for the comic relief Token Black Guy.  And there are a ton of Czech extras. [2]  The monster is obviously a guy in a suit, hidden behind a cheap CGI blurring effect to make him more menacing.  Except of course that in several shots they don't bother with the effect, so it's still obviously a guy in a suit.  Grendel's mom is a Penthouse Pet, and as an actress she makes a great centerfold, at least until the final Big Fight with her, when she makes a lousy CGI spider-antler (that's the only way I can describe her) critter.  The fights are straight out of "Mortal Kombat" except that at least "Mortal Kombat" had Hong Kong fight coordinators on the team.  Here they don't really work, and are edited so badly you can't see what's going on anyway.  To see Chris Lambert (okay, his stunt double) doing backflips across a room, and guys in armor attempting roundhouse kicks looks odd to say the least.

The final nail in the coffin for "Beowulf" is that it just takes itself too durned seriously.  MK at least had the virtue of not being anything more than a silly Honk Kong fantasy movie done up for Murcan tastes.  "Beowulf" tries to be an epic adventure, with a touch of cuthuloid horror, except that it drowns itself angst-ridden dialog that buts up against bizarre combat scenes.  Aside from mockery value, it ain't very fun to watch.


[1] I'd almost wanted to think that this is what Lois McMaster Bujold's _Barrayar_ looked like on it's slide into barbarism in the Time of Isolation, but that's giving the film too much credit.

[2] The breakup of the old Soviet Union and the return of freedom in the Czech Republic has been a godsend for makers of cheap fantasy epics.  All those starving extras and castles that can be rented for cheap...

[Jay O'Connor]

> All those starving extras and castles that can be rented for cheap

See Charles Band and the Subspecies series, plus half the Trancer movies.  Romanian instead of Czech, but the same deal

[Nathan]

Hmm.  Lamenting the lack of Beowulf adapatations... Check.

Referencing the two Beowulf adaptations in the same year... Check.

Spider antler... Check.


http://www.coldfusionvideo.com/b/beowulf.html


Nathan

[Jay O'Connor]

Nathan,

Speaking of your reviews, I just watched "Interceptor Force" last night, and you were much too kind in your review :)

[Royce Day]

Nathan wrote:
>
> Hmm.  Lamenting the lack of Beowulf adapatations...
> Check.
>
> Referencing the two Beowulf adaptations in the same year...
> Check.
>
> Spider antler... Check.
>
>
> http://www.coldfusionvideo.com/b/beowulf.html

I'll admit that I rented this movie after reading the Cold Fusion review.  I couldn't quite believe it was this bad...

Foolish me.

[Jay O'Connor]

I haven't seen it, and I have read Nathan's review, but I plan on seeing it anyway.  I like Christopher Lambert, even in pretty bad stuff

[Neville]

I watched the goddammed movie because I had to write an essay on the real "Beowulf", the epic poem, and I though it would be useful to compare it with the movie. And you don't always have such a good reason to watch a cheesy movie.

Anyway, I juist loved the first minutes of it, with Lambert kicking ass, techno music and bad jokes. I laughed my lungs out. What a pity the rest of the movie was so f*cking boring.

[Future Blob]

 I thought the one tiny interesting bit was when Lambert rescues the young lady, and she runs back to the "knights" surrounding the castle knowing full well that they will kill her. A small shining bit of plot that made the rest look even worse. The  armourer guy (Charles Robinson) was probabably kicking himself for being in it and reveling in his glorious past on Night Court. Also, Rhona Mitra's cleavage did it's job well.