Shark Attack 3: Megladon

[chris]

I really thought you could do no better than Shark Attack 2.  I mean, it had everything you could hope for.  But, boy, was I wrong.  Shark Attack 3: Megladon is the movie I've been waiting for all my life.  Never has stock footage, drunken swedes, repeated shots of boat controls, and atrocious acting come together so beautifully.  Plus, this masterpiece has some of the best dialogue since...well, ever.  One line I had to rewind to make sure I heard it right (you'll know which line when you hear it).  All in all a perfect movie, I only wish I could have been drunk while viewing it.

[Squishy]

It's too bad another movie named "Megalodon" is apparently sitting around in the can; the trailer (linked) looks impressive at times, even if the CGI isn't flawless...

Heh heh, Amazon.com usually does better than that when spelling titles--if you check them for "Shark Attack 3," they will also recommend..."Octopuss 2." Maybe they hope someone will mistake it for a James Bond sequel...

[Foywonder]

As seen on CreatureCorner.com:

As I sit down to write this review of SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON, it has only been mere minutes since the closing credits began rolling and as of this moment my brain has yet to fully comprehend everything I have just seen. Like FROM DUSK TO DAWN, SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON is two entirely different movies spliced together. There’s the first hour which is utterly derivative of JAWS and then there’s the last half hour in which it seems like the film itself suddenly lit up a crack pipe and got totally wrecked. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON is set at a Colima, Mexico resort which is about to get a big boost from a multinational telecommunications conglomerate that is laying fiber optic cables throughout the oceans around the world. Part of this telecommunications super pipeline is just off the coast of the resort. Due to some scientific mumbo jumbo that would take far too long to explain, the cable off the coast from the resort has lured a long thought extinct Megalodon shark from it’s hidden dwellings within a deep oceanic trench. Shark eats some people. Other people must stop it. And that in a nutshell is the entire plot of the movie. Okay, it’s actually slightly more complicated. For example, that telecommunications corporation turns out to be evil. Are multi-billion dollar corporations ever portrayed as not being evil?

Anyway, as previously stated, the first hour of the movie is utterly derivative of JAWS, it’s sequels, and every other American and Italian knock-off of the Spielberg classic right down to a score that mimics the JAWS theme with just enough difference to avoid a lawsuit. And, just like in JAWS, there is a trio at work to stop the shark. First up is the resort’s resident hotshot who is in charge of keeping the waters safe. The actor playing him bears a passing resemblance to Skeet Ulrich and he gives the film’s best performance as his acting possesses an almost Hasselhoffian sincerity. Then there’s the busty, blonde, female paleontologist/love interest. The actress playing her gives the kind of performance that will make you realize you’ve been way to hard on Denise Richards. One of the movies biggest unintentional laughs comes from hearing her yelling, “Oh my God!” in such a disinterested tone that it almost sounds like sarcasm. Rounding out the shark hunters three is the Quint character, a crusty old ex-naval officer who is something of a cross between R. Lee Ermey and Michael Gross from TREMORS. You know he’s supposed to be a military type because he has a wall with an American flag on it with pictures of Bush and Cheney on either side.

Now those of you renting SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON to see a giant Megalodon shark are going to be really disappointed by the first hour. I’m guessing this is due primarily to the film’s low budget, but the threat of the first hour comes from a baby Megalodon, which is roughly the size of a normal Great White. In other words, the first hour is exactly like every other killer shark movie. While the first hour is fairly watchable and competently filmed, it still suffers from the fact that you’ve seen this all a billion times before. The only innovative moments come from a water sliding couple who seemingly slide right into the shark’s mouth and an unfortunate parasailor whose line the shark severs and proceeds to take her for a ride. Otherwise, it’s just another JAWS wannabe.

And then it happens. One hour into the movie, the baby’s mom shows up from completely out of nowhere and, suddenly, all hell breaks loose. It’s almost like the people responsible for the movie just said, “This sucks!” and decided to just start over from there and make what almost amounts to the kind of JAWS parody you’d see on an episode of THE CRITIC or FAMILY GUY. Mere words cannot describe what sort of insanity occurs in the final half-hour. It’s like the filmmakers had a bipolar disorder that suddenly switched from Spielberg be to Ed Wood. When you read this next paragraph, just try to envision all this taking place in what amounts to a cross between an old 50s giant monster movie and a 70s Irwin Allen disaster flick.

For starters, you got the hero beating on a shark’s snout with a baseball bat while screaming, “Die! Die! Die!” Then, you got a shotgun that still works fine after being underwater for over 10 minutes and a CGI helicopter that is so poorly animated it actually looks like a toy model. Along comes a gigantic Megalodon that swallows small boats whole and is brought to life via two different CGI head shots that are repeated numerous times with only their point-of-view altered. Then, there’s a mini-sub/Tardis that is twice as big on the inside as it appears on the outside. You got some people in tuxedos lobbing grenades at the Megalodon from the bow of a luxury yacht while others jump off said yacht into the water to try and escape the giant shark that is ramming it. Toss in a jet ski death scene that seems more like something out a 60s James Bond film and, if that’s not enough, a torpedo that actually has a video screen countdown telling how long until it will hit its target. You just have to see the third act for yourself to truly comprehend how ridiculous it all really is. There’s also one line of dialogue that is absolutely priceless. Our hero decided to finally make his move on the science babe using the line, “I’m really wired…whatta you say I take you home and…” I won’t spoil it. Trust me, just hearing the deadpan delivery of this line is worth the price of the rental alone.

Now since this is a Nu Image production, there are certain things you can count on. For starters, it was probably filmed on location in Bulgaria with local, English speaking actors in key roles. Sure enough, the closing credits are loaded with people whose last names all got a “Z” in it. I swear most of the locals speak with the same kind of inflection in their voices that poorly dubbed European movies from the early 80s possess. At times, I actually found myself focusing intensely on their lips to determine if they had actually had their voices dubbed in.

Also, much like Toho in the 70s, Nu Image loves to recycle stock footage. I recognized the big explosion at the end of the movie as the same big explosion from the end of OCTOPUS, which was also recycled as the end of OCTOPUS 2. Plus, 90% of the shark footage is just nature footage of a real shark that you’d see on the Discovery Channel. They just used footage of a bigger Mako shark when showing the mom. And, as I said before, they reuse the two CGI shots of the mama Meg several times. Considering how laughably unconvincing the CGI Meg is the decision to use nature footage may not have been the worst decision in the world after all. At least this one earns its R rating with copious amounts of gore and nudity that movies like this seemed to have forsaken since the 80s.

The film’s end also teases a sequel. No surprise there, but considering that there’s no continuity in the SHARK ATTACK franchise other than sharing the SHARK ATTACK title, one wonders if the next sequel, and we all know they’re going to make another whether you want them to or not, will actually be a direct sequel to this entry in the series or a completely unrelated shark movie. Personally, I’m ready for a movie about a really p**sed off swordfish that gores people. I think slapping the SHARK ATTACK moniker on a movie about an enormous Marlin that leaps out of the water and spears people would be quite entertaining and fitting considering how far off the deep end this film went.

Let there be no misunderstanding, SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON is a really bad movie. However, the film’s final 30 minutes are so far over the top into the realm of absudity that the film becomes downright hysterical and instantly elevated what was just a generic JAWS wannabe to a higher lever of camp. Everyone probably won’t be able to appreciate the audacity of the movie’s third act, but in a year where video store shelves have been getting cluttered with a non-stop stream of mediocre movies about killer snakes, spiders, bats, octopi, crocodiles… You know 2002 really has been the year of the direct-to-video killer animal/nature gone amok movie. At least SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON ended this reign of terror on a high note.

As Bart Simpson once said, “It’s craptacular!”

[Squishy]

Shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek. Guess what just jumped to the top of my "Must See" List?

[Flangepart]

What he said!
Woo,hoo hoo! Sounds like a keeper!
Good review, Foywonder. Your Badmovies.org reading/trainging has paid off,grass hopper. Be proud. Prooves the old saying, "if ya wanna learn how to write, read the good stuff."
Man...i gotta take crack at this baby!

[Foywonder]

Flangepart wrote:

> Good review, Foywonder. Your Badmovies.org reading/trainging
> has paid off,grass hopper. Be proud. Prooves the old saying,
> "if ya wanna learn how to write, read the good stuff."

SAY WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I write reviews like that in my sleep! I've been writing stuff like that since before I ever heard of Badmovies.org...before I ever even heard of this internet thing...before I ever heard Al Gore or the fact that he invented this internet! Oh no, Mr. Flangepart, if that is your real name, I don't need to learn from anyone else's work! Others need to learn from me!

I'M THE GOD!!! I'M THE GOD!!! I'M THE GOD!!!

>>>>It's at this point that several trained animal control experts burst into the room and begin injecting me with massive doses of elephant tranquilizer. I do not complain for the chief officers possesses a certain Hasselhoffian sincerity that give me comfort. I sleep now.<<<<

Now go rent SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON! :)

[Deadance]

Another one Oh! well I will go and check this out but I wait to see this one  on sci-fi channel.

[Flangepart]

And what dose of Tranqs did they use on you, Sir Foy?
I useualy get the Sodium Pentithol #3...its nasty!
BTW...keep up the good work:)
Gotta see this cheese fest...humm...what cheese goes best with fish?