Rentals for a boring night

[Scottie]

Well, tonight's one of those nights that us lovers of the lesser cinema really love. The parents are having a "rocking party" with all their friends, leaving me to spend the evening with my computer and my TV. Boy, do they love me. So, I figured I'd take the initiative and went out to the Movie Rental God down the street and strolled through the aisles. Here's what I passed up along with what I got. I though about, but ultimately passed up for better (or worse) choices. In close second came KILLER ORCA, VAMPIRE HOOKERS, NIGHT OF THE BLOODY TRANSPLANT and the original THE BRAIN. Mmmm. Those would have been fun. But instead, I went with these. NINJA WARS, MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND, POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW, TARANTULAS THE DEADLY CARGO, and NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES.

Have you seen any of these or hold any special grudges against them? Even though I swore revenge on all ninja movies ever made, I gave in and decided to get one to revel in. Why do I do this, when I know I am going to cry? Why does the earth spin? It's all the same reason. Mission to Moscow is just something I've been meaning to watch for a while. The others only come up because they sound GOOFY, and that's the best way to pick em. Merry holidays to all!

[Goreomedy]

As the police are unrolling CAUTION tape outside the door of your room, a hardened detective will glance under a sheet.  Your body will be there, frozen in a state of terrified realization, fingers twisted and clawing, face ghastly white.  

Scattered throughout the room will be the video tapes you rented.  A rookie will enter the room, careful not to step on puddles of vomit.  He'll flip open a pad and will start writing a description of the area.

"No need," the hardened detective will say with a wave of his hand.  "This was a suicide."

[Scott]

NINJA WARS is a stupid title for a movie. Its kinda like 13th WARRIOR, WAR OF THE PLANETS, or WAR OF THE ROBOTS. Besides this NINJA WARS is a good samarai film. Its not Kirwasawa, but if you like martial art movies this is a neat one. (note the movies above with their bland titles are actually entertaining.)
I was just thinking of making a list of good martial arts movies, without mentioning Kirwasawas excellent samarai films like THE SEVEN SAMARAI. Here they are:

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
ENTER THE DRAGON
FIST OF LEGEND
IRON MONKEY
DEADLY CHINA DOLLS (documentary on female martial artist in Hong Kong films, with interviews and great clips)
NINJA WARS (though its not in the same league as the others. It is a Japanese production I believe, as opposed to the usual Hong Kong films)
BLACK MASK (different)

Has anyone seen the newer film THE MUSKETEER is it any good? BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF had some neat martial arts in it.

There are so many Hong Kong martial arts films that I can't remember the names of them all. And most I have never seen.

[Scottie]

Actually, now that watched the movie, I realize that there is a review for the movie on this site! It has the projectile vomit scene (gross!) for the video clip, and really does it justice. It was actually not that bad to watch, nothing compared to many of the other ninja movies I have borne witness to. And Goreomedy, thanks for the kind words. Now let's see what Tarantula, the Deadly Cargo has in store. Big box = the best!

-Scottie-

[JohnL]

>Now let's see what Tarantula, the Deadly Cargo has in store.

I saw that a long time and didn't think it was that bad.

[Susan]

"Tarantula: The Deadly Cargo", NOT the one with shatner, am I right? I remember that one as basically a bunch of spiders killing folks and overtaking a desert town..but what was the premise of deadly cargo?

And I wonder why when we make current films about spiders it always has to have some comic twist. As bad as 70's films were, I really liked all the killer insects, mutant animals and deadly natural disasters that occured. With as little comic relief as possible.

[JohnL]

>"Tarantula: The Deadly Cargo", NOT the one with shatner, am I right? I
>remember that one as basically a bunch of spiders killing folks and overtaking a

 That was Kingdom of the Spiders.

>desert town..but what was the premise of deadly cargo?

A plane carrying a shipment of coffee is infested with tarantulas, which then escape into the town and start killing people. Think Arachnophobia with Tarantulas.

[Susan]

>>A plane carrying a shipment of coffee is infested with tarantulas, which then escape into the town and start killing people. Think Arachnophobia with Tarantulas.<,

Musta been some kind of spider, since in general tarantulas aren't deadly. They're spiny little hairs will irrituate your lungs tho. ;-)
A riviting flick as I recall. Some bug movies bugged me tho, the Ants one with Suzanne Somors in the first scene made no sense. They're just teeny little ants for crying out loud. Had they been an army of those giant 2 inch fireants on the other hand..

[Scottie]

Tarantulas wasn't too bad, in fact I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of the movie, but when it got to the part of killing the spiders in a large fruit warehouse, it dragggggggged. They tried to throw in every twist in the book but it didn't help. Also, from Ecuador to the desert, 3 spiders turned to 7 spiders, and then to about 50 in the warehouse, and that kind of struck me as being a tad unbelievable.

Mad Doctor of Blood Island turned out to be a treat. The beginning of the movie offered the audience the chance to drink the green blood that flowed through the veins of the mutants, and not become a mutant yourself. Along with the drinking of the blood came reciting the oath of green blood. Good times.

-Scottie-

[Mike]

          Oh, this is easy.  FORBIDDEN ZONE.  
          It's been a while, but let's see if I can recall this cinematic gem.   A girl (in her carefree twenties) named Frenchy Hercules falls through a portal located in her family's basement.  Many of us can identify.  She lands in the bizarre Sixth Dimension, a truly wacko world crammed full of remarkably strange denizens.  
       Meanwhile, her worried friends and family are concerned and form a search party, following Frenchy through the basement portal.  Back in wacko-land, Frenchy meets King Fausto (portrayed by Herve Vallechaise in a truly breathtaking and charismatic performance) and, you guessed it, his majesty is besieged by the hots for our heroine.  The hotheaded wife, Queen Doris, is not at all happy at this development, and has Frenchy thrown in a dungeon.  Frenchy's would-be rescuers are exploring the wild corners of this mysterious new environment, encountering the Kipper Kids, and a beanie-wearing boy who sings a perky little number.  
        Oh, yeah, and there's a sliver of a delightful subplot when Satan (played by His Oingo Majesty Danny Elfman) bargains with Frenchy's friend to get his lustful hands on the Princess.  
          After all these years, my recall of subsequent events gets a little sketchy.  I do remember that King Fausto is plotting to take over the world... somehow.  And Frenchy and her friends just can't let that happen, by gum.  Many of the characters have bizarre musical numbers to show off their panache and elan.  A show-stopping number is performed by Queen Doris, entitled "I Was Born from a Witch's Egg."  That number alone is worth the trials and tribulations that you may have to endure to find a copy of this demented, comical, chaotic musical extravaganza!
          I think it was made in 1980.  Black and white.

[JohnL]

>FORBIDDEN ZONE

It's been a while since I've seen it, but I remember liking it.

"The queen promised to ream us with 20 inch cattle prods and I'm still waiting!"