First post and a review - The Guyver (1991)

[Kooshmeister]

Hi there, I guess. Been meaning to sign up for this forum for some time now but I only just now got around to doing it. I'm also a big fan of BadMovies.org, as you can tell by my structure of the review below. Speaking of which, I included the review so there'd be something interesting for you all to read besides my little introduction here, heh.

The film I've chosen is "The Guyver," the 1991 live-action version of the anime of the same name. I don't think it's that obscure of a movie, but in any case for those who've never seen it, my description of the plot is pretty detailed so it contains a lot of spoilers. Anyhoo, I hope you find this interesting. It took me a good while to throw together.

Also, if this monstrosity violates some kind of word limit for these boards, just tell me and I'll take it down.

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THE GUYVER
1991, New Line Cinema

THE CHARACTERS:

Sean Barker: A young college student studying martial arts. Not only does he inadvertently discover the Guyver unit, he also dons it by accident. Gee, a superhero whose origins are due to his own clumsiness!

The Guyver: Sentient piece of alien technology that bestows upon its host a variety of cool abilities. It also has DNA replication abilities and can regrow its host if the host happens to, say, melt into green goo when the two are separated.

Max Reed: Mark Hamill! Scruffy CIA agent investigating both the death of Dr. Segawa and the questionable doings of the Chronos Corporation. Captured and set to be turned into a Zoanoid, but gets taken out of the stasis tank too soon and dies following his mutation.

Mizky Segawa: Dr. Segawa's leggy daughter and Sean's main squeeze. Poor gal is chased around by the Zoanoids since they think she knows the location of the Guyver.

Dr. Tetsu Segawa: Mizky's father, a scientist working for the Chronos Corporation who is himself a fishlike Zoanoid. Tries to keep the Guyver out of the other Zoanoids' hands, but his head is crushed by Lisker.

Colonel Castle: Max's superior, who doesn't believe that the Chronos Corporation is involved in Dr. Segawa's death.

Ronnie: Another CIA agent working under Colonel Castle who looks like John Cusack. He turns out to be a Zoanoid, so Sean rips off his arm, then his head.

Miss Jenson: Sean's instructor at the school of martial arts and a close friend to both him and Mizky. She's killed by Ramsey when the Zoanoids break into Mizky's apartment to kidnap her.

Craig: Obnoxious, bullying fellow student of Sean's at the school of martial arts. He's a dirty rotten cheater and lives to kick Sean's butt.

Ramsey: Zoanoid who looks like a big, fat elephant, complete with a trunk which gives him a keen sense of smell. Thrown into an incubator by Sean and is fried.

Weber: Female Zoanoid who looks like an owl. Sliced and diced by the Guyver suit's handy-dandy extendo-blades.

Striker: Jimmy Walker! Goofy-looking Zoanoid with big floppy ears who looks like a mutated Jar Jar Binks. Has a bad rapper mentality and provides the, uh . . . comic relief among the villains.

Dr. East: Jeffery Combs! Bespectacled Zoanoid scientist who looks like a goat. Dies when he accidentally swallows the Guyver unit and Sean cuts himself free of his stomach.

Dr. Gordon: Dr. East's colleague and, yep, another Zoanoid. Sean throws him rather violently into some unusually explosive lab equipment.

Lisker: Michael Berryman! The biggest, baddest Zoanoid. Well, almost. Short-tempered leader of the Zoanoids and Balcus' chief lackey. Looks like a big, ugly horned toad with a bony forehead. Sean rips his head apart, after stabbing him a lot and breaking his leg.

Fulton Balcus: David Gale! The president of the Chronos Corporation. He wants the Guyver. Really bad. He also happens to be a Zoarlord, which means he cannot only control the other Zoanoids but can transform into a big, ugly thing that looks like a cross between a spider and a dinosaur. Blown up.

THE STORY:

An eeeevil company called the Chronos Corporation is doing eeeevil genetic experiments that transform people into "Zoanoids," humans who can turn themselves into ugly mutants that look like they just came off of "Power Rangers" or something. The Chronos Corporation also has in its possession a little doohicky called . . . the Guyver! Yes, the title weapon, a little device that's a recovered piece of alien technology. But we're not supposed to know that yet, so sshhhh! This has next to nothing to do with their genetic experiments, but head bad guy Fulton Balcus wants it because it's really powerful and stuff.

As the movie opens, Dr. Tetsu Segawa has stolen the Guyver after realizing that the people he's working for are eeeevil and will do eeeevil things with it. The Zoanoids, led by Lisker, chase after him, but he hides the Guyver inside a discarded lunchbox he finds. He then puts in its place inside his briefcase a toaster of all things, then keeps running. Of course, they fall for it and keep right on chasing him. They catch him, but Dr. Segawa reveals that he, too, is a Zoanoid! He turns into a fish-looking monster, and Lisker also transforms into his Zoanoid self. They duke it out for a while, until Lisker wins by crushing Segawa's head. Ouch. Segawa melts into blue goop upon dying, leaving behind his skeleton!

As it turns out, Dr. Segawa had been on his way to a meeting with Max Reed with the Guyver, intending to turn it over to him. The aforementioned fight-turned murder occurs within Max's line of sight as awaits the doctor's arrival. He's too far away to either get there in time to save Segawa or even make who his killers are as they jump into a van and drive away. Of course, they're too stupid to actually look inside the briefcase.

Dr. Segawa’s got a daughter, Mizky, who works at the local school of martial arts or something. Her kinda-sorta boyfriend is Sean Barker, a student there and your average dweeb. Of course, he'll become Our Hero before the movie's over. He's not a very good martial artist, constantly getting his butt whooped by a bully named Craig, thought he seems to be good friends with his instructor Miss Jenson. Max shows up at the school, and breaks the bad news to Mizky. She's understandably upset. He asks her to accompany him out to the murder site, and she agrees. Sean, having seen them talking, gets curious and follows.

Meanwhile, Lisker and the others return to the Chronos Corporation. Balcus is mighty p**sed when he opens the briefcase and finds a toaster inside. He uses heretofore unseen mental powers to make Lisker beat himself up, then tells the dopes to go out and find the real Guyver.

At the murder site Sean watches from afar as Max does his best to comfort poor Mizky, then get chewed out by Colonel Castle. Why? I don't know. You how those suit-and-tie-wearing higher-ups are in these movies. It's at this point that Sean makes the story's Unwittingly Amazing Discovery, as he just happens to kick open that lunchbox and have the Guyver fall out. Not knowing what it is, he stuffs it into his backpack. On his way home, he's jumped by some muggers. Being gangland hoods, they waste no time in beating him up. He fights back with his wimpy karate moves, knocking a few of them down, but ultimately he's overwhelmed.

During the scuffle, the Guyver falls out of his backpack, and then Sean actually falls face first onto the dang thing! Suddenly, weird-looking alien armor grows all over him, turning him into a Power Ranger! He proceeds to beat up the muggers, in particular tossing their leader head first into a garbage can. That accomplished, he somehow manages to turn the Guyver off, only it's absorbed into his body or something. Severely weirded out, he nonetheless goes over to Mizky's apartment to check on her. Seeing Max there (he's hanging around as her bodyguard or something) he instantly starts to get suspicious/jealous or whatever, and goes home.

The next day, Max has talked Colonel Castle into investigating the Chronos Corporation. But they find nothing that would indicate they were connected to Dr. Segawa's murder, especially since they insist nothing was stolen! Colonel Castle is about to put a lid on the whole thing when Max realizes that the killers might go after Mizky if they think she has the Guyver! Jumping into his car, he speeds off. Seemingly worried that his man is losing it, Castle tells Ronnie and another CIA agent to follow Max and keep an eye on him.

While Max is away Sean will play, and he shows up at Mizky's apartment. The, uh, romantic moment is interrupted when Miss Jenson arrives with some groceries for Mizky. Feeling awkward, Sean steps out for a bit to go get something to eat. As he exits the apartment building, he passes Ramsey and Striker dressed as moving men. Returning a bit later, he passes them again as they carry a rolled-up rug that for some reason can't keep still. Of course, when he gets into the apartment he finds that it's been trashed, and Miss Jenson is dead and Mizky missing. Proving to be a bright fellow, he hurries back downstairs, and sure enough, catches Ramsey and Striker loading Mizky into their van. Max arrives at this point, and Sean breaks some bottles over the kidnappers' heads, knocking them out.

He grabs Mizky, and along with Max they make a run for it with Lisker and the others chasing after them. The Zoanoids, until now in their human forms, show their true colors and transform. Striker is the first to do so, but somehow he ends up on the set of a horror movie, and the director thinks he's the movie's monster or something. He manages to slip away though and rejoins the others, and the chase leads to an old warehouse. Although they manage to evade the Zoanoids for a bit, our trio is soon discovered thanks to Ramsey's keen sense of smell. Lisker tosses Max rather painfully into a wall, then manages to grab ahold of Mizky and holds her hostage.

Ronnie and the other CIA guy show up at this point, and in the movie's most confusing moment they too turn out to be Zoanoids! Huh? So I guess this means the CIA is in cahoots with the Chronos Corporation and that Colonel Castle is bad too? Oh, well. They don't follow up on this in any way, so it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, the fighting finally gets going. Sean wills himself to turn into the Guyver and opens a can of whoopass on the Zoanoids. First, he tosses Striker clear across the warehouse and into a pile of boxes, then rips off Ronnie's arm and head. So much for THAT subplot. Realizing this one-at-a-time crap isn't working, the Zoanoids change tactics. Striker, Ramsey, Weber, and the other Zoanoid attack Sean together and give him a bit of trouble, but he still manages to toss them all around like nothing in the end. Striker finds a sawblade thing and throws it at Sean, but he ducks and it instead halves the head of the CIA guy Zoanoid. p**sed, Lisker takes matters into his own claws. Handing Mizky to Weber, he stomps over to fight Sean himself. Sean seems to have the upper hand at first, until Lisker uses his bony forehead to damage the Guyver unit's control medallion thingie on Sean's forehead, weakening him.

Realizing he's gonna lose, Sean decides to at least try and save Mizky. Getting away from Lisker, he jumps over and slashes Weber with the Guyver suit's handy-dandy extendo blades of doom, but also hits Mizky! He's so distracted by his shock that he doesn't notice the remaining three Zoanoids closing in until it's too late. They pounce onto the grief-stricken hero and pummel him mercilessly. Meanwhile, Max has recovered and checks on Mizky. He discovers that she's hurt but thankfully alive. Finally Lisker sits on Sean, pinning him down, and starts using his claws to try and pry the control Guyver medallion free of his forehead. He doesn't notice the chest of the armor opening up and a bright white light coming out, but it doesn't matter anyway since he manages to pull the Guyver free, along with a generous amount of gore. In a truly horrific sequence, the Guyverless Sean dies and melts into green goo! That accomplished, Lisker and the other two proceed to capture and knock out Mizky and Max. Oh, the suspense!

When Mizky awakens she finds herself in Balcus' office within the Chronos Corporation's headquarters. He plays the role of the gloating villain fairly well, then decides to take her down into the secret lab to show her what her father was helping him with. There's tanks with partially grown Zoanoids, bright lights, lots of scientists running around, the usual stuff. Balcus starts to explain his theory that human beings were created by a race of aliens centuries ago as bioweapons, and that his Zoanoids are the next step in evolution. Naturally, Mizky thinks he's nuts. Eventually he reveals he's got Max in one of the tanks and is turning him into a Zoanoid, too! Dr. East meanwhile kills a failed Zoanoid by dunking it into an acid bath or something, then informs Balcus that the Guyver, which he and Dr. Gordon have been studying since it was brought in, is behaving strangely.

Dr. East explains that they think the Guyver is not only a living thing, but that it has DNA replication abilities, which it is currently putting to use. Suddenly, Mizky makes her move. She knees Balcus in the groin, smashes the Guyver's glass case with a microscope, then grabs it. She bolts for the door just as Lisker and Striker come in, so she runs back the way she came but is surrounded as East, Gordon, and the other scientists turn into Zoanoids, too. She then threatens to throw the Guyver into the acid bath/failed experiment eliminator thingie unless Balcus agrees to let Max out of the stasis tank. Now, Balcus wants the Guyver so badly that he actually seems willing to meet her demands, but Striker attempts to grab the Guyver from her and a furious tug-of-war over it ensues. Finally though, it slips from both their hands and flies right into Dr. East's mouth, and he swallows it!

Furious, Balcus orders Lisker to get it out of him. Lisker attempts to accomplish this by shoving his entire arm down Dr. East's throat, but with no luck. East then starts to act like he's got a bad case of indigestion, grabbing his stomach and yelling, finally falling to the floor and convulsing until the handy-dandy extendo blades of doom cut him in half from the inside out! Sean, uh, steps out, so to speak, having been fully regenerated by the Guyver's aforementioned replication abilities, ready to kick some Zoanoid booty!

Balcus runs away, or so it seems, as Sean frees Max from the tank thingie. He then tells him and Mizky to get out of here, while he proceeds to busy himself fighting Lisker, Striker, and Dr. Gordon. Mizky and Max are just to the door when Ramsey comes in and starts to chase them around the lab. Lotsa fighting! Biff! Pow! Wham! Holy cheesy sound effects, Guyverman! Striker apparently chickens out and runs away, while Sean kills Gordon. Lisker seems to disappear too, and using this temporary freedom, Sean rushes to his friends' rescue. Ramsey has chased Mizky and Max up onto the lab's system of catwalks, and as he's about to finish them off Sean appears. He pitches Ramsey's fat elephant carcass off the catwalk and down into an incubator thingie, where he's flash-cooked. Mmm, Zoanoid. The other, other white meat!

Lisker reappears and fights Sean on the catwalk, while Mizky and Max are chased by yet another Zoanoid. Seeing their peril, Sean tosses Lisker off the catwalk (although he lands more or less safely on the floor) and comes to their rescue a second time, slicing the pesky Zoanoid across the face with them extendo blades. Round Three of the Sean vs. Lisker fight commences, and although Lisker kicks Sean's butt for a while like before, Sean eventually gains the upper hand because, hey, he's the hero. He stabs Lisker a buncha times with the extendo blades, breaks his leg, and finally grabbing his head and ripping it apart very messily. With Lisker dead, there's seemingly no one left to fight, so our three heroes quickly make for the lab's exit. They're stopped again, this time because Max starts convulsing and falls to the floor, gruesomely mutating into a buglike Zoanoid before dying.

Sean and Mizky are shocked, but then Balcus appears and explains that they took Max out of the stasis tank too soon, so his mutation was fatally incomplete. Sean is now needless to say much mad at Balcus. Balcus however seems unconcerned, in fact he seems amused more than anything else, going so far as to taunt Sean by holding out his red handkerchief like a bullfighter. For Sean this is the last straw, and one punch knocks Balcus through the wall! But very rarely does the main villain die THAT easily. If he had, audiences would've rioted and burned down the theater. Besides, all of Balcus' henchmen were Zoanoids, so why not him? Leave it to Balcus to outdo them all, though. In fact, he's a Zoarlord. Whatever that means. Anyway, he reappears as a big, ugly monster standing some twenty feet tall and looking like a cross between a dinosaur and a spider.

Super Balcus bats Sean around the room like a ragdoll with effortless ease, before pinning him against the wall with his twisted abominations that somehow pass for hands. He starts trying to use his gross, tri-forked prehensile tongue to pry the Guyver doohicky lose from Sean's forehead. As with Lisker before, the chest armor opens up and emits a while light. Balcus notices, but it's too late. The armor opens up completely and shoots out a huge blast of energy! Balcus' burnt corpse is flung back across the lab, destroying all of the vital equipment and putting an end to the Chronos Corporation's eeeevil experiments once and for all.

The villain defeated, Sean turns human again, albeit naked, and is reunited with Mizky. The End. Oh, wait, not quite. Colonel Castle and Striker appear after Sean and Mizky have left. Guess the CIA really was involved with the Chronos Corporation somehow, after all. Anyway, Castle offers Striker "a job." NOW it's The End.

What can I say? It's based on an anime/manga of the same name, but since I've never seen either of them I won't bother trying to compare it to its original source. Certainly this is one of the strangest films I've ever seen, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. "Hellraiser" and "Re-Animator" were both stranger, but this one is still outside the realm of ordinary as far as I'm concerned. Speaking of "Re-Animator," this flick features both David Gale (Dr. Carl Hill) as Balcus and Jeffery Combs (Herbert West) as Dr. East. Heh, heh. West, East . . .

The costumes used for the Zoanoids range from very good to so bad that "Power Rangers" wouldn't take them. In particular, the costume and makeup for Lisker's Zoanoid form is the best. The giant prop used for Balcus' 'Zoarlord' form at the end looks impressive, but doesn't move very realistically. Then there's the Guyver suit itself, and that I have to say looks pretty nifty.

The story? Pure cheese. The acting? Decent, but not Academy Award material. There's also the unresolved subplot involving the CIA agents being Zoanoids, and the confusing ending with Colonel Castle and Striker, but other than that there's no plot holes to be found as far as I'm concerned.

Annnnnd that's all for now, folks. Hope you enjoyed my rantings.



Post Edited (08-12-03 01:14)

[JohnL]

>Striker: Goofy-looking Zoanoid with big floppy ears who looks like a mutated Jar
>Jar Binks.

Played by Jimmy Walker! Dyno-Mite!

[Dave:Blackeye15]

I like the movie also but I'm a bigger fan of the Japanese Anime and comic book. (I'm currently trying to push Viz into the continuation of translating the comic book.)

-the first rule of fat club-

[Dolph Lundgren]

Damn, that's one helluva first time review, Kooshmeister.  Great job.

I just saw this movie the other day for the first time.  I remember seeing bits and pieces of it off of the Sci-Fi Channel YEARS ago, and when I saw that Dave said he picked it up at Suncoast, I went out and grabbed both the Guyver and Guyver 2 Dark Hero for a pretty cheap price.  I've always wanted to check out the anime movies, (which I haven't yet) and Steve Wang is a tremendous director (Drive, anyone?) so I went ahead and watched the first Guyver with high expectations.

Simply put, this movie is very bizarre.  Not so much in a bad way, but just bizarre.  The movie's got a great b-movie cast, but Jimmy Walker absolutely drove me nuts.  I kept waiting and waiting for him to die.  I have nothing against the guy, but he was annoying in the movie.  Anyways, when the movie kicks into high gear, it's good.  Some cool action scenes that couldn't have been easy to do in those monster suits.

Anyways, I definitely look forward to seeing the second one.  The first was pretty decent overall.  If anything, it made me want to see the anime version that much more.

Nick