What I learned from the internet this year !!

[Allhallowsday]

This was emailed to me by a good friend this morning. 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE INTERNET THIS YEAR

       I now must scrub the top of every can I open.

       I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

       I am not worried about my savings at all, because that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are  sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

       I  no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

       I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

       I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

       I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

       I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

       I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

       I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

       I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

        I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

       I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with an infected
needle.   

       I  no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.

       I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

       I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

       I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

       I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

       I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

       I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg...

       I can no longer drive my car because I can't
buy gas from certain gas companies!

       If you don't send this e-mail to  at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with  diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels  will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this  will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

[asimpson2006]

What I have learned

There are no women on the internet.

The men are men, the women are men, and little kids are FBI agents

The internet is a series of tubes.

The internet closes at 6:00 PM

Clearing cache and cookies out will prevent sites from knowing who you are.

Cookies gives you viruses.

Using History in your browser is an AWESOME way to store your favorite websites.

Disabling your firewall, for a second will cause hackers attack your computer like a zombie attacking a live person.

It's never your fault it's always somebody elses fault.

Disabling Firewalls are not good trouble shooting steps.

[Jack]

I learned that Symantec's customer service guys in India know about 1/100th as much about computers as I do. 

I learned that Cialis, Viagra and penis can be spelled 9,000 different ways.

I learned that Africa is full of multimillionaires just waiting to send me money, as soon as I open an account for them.

[Allhallowsday]

Hey, if you guys wrote those, you're brilliant!   (Particularly the one about African multimillionaires...)    

My favorite of the ones sent to me:
       I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with an infected
needle.  

Though I might like this one best, since I got this one in an email only in the last year or so:
      I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

[raj]

I learned that there are no dogs on the internet.

[RCMerchant]

Karma,Hallows!!!! Tara Sue...in her infinite innocence (for want of a better word) actually begam corrospndence with one of those african millionaire scam scums...and they began callinig our house ALL the time! I ended up using the most foul language ever imagined...and actually told him I was going to hi-jack a plane and atom bomb his house! 

Of course that would be a little difficult....

[Allhallowsday]

Karma,Hallows!!!! Tara Sue...in her infinite innocence (for want of a better word) actually begam corrospndence with one of those african millionaire scam scums...and they began callinig our house ALL the time! I ended up using the most foul language ever imagined...and actually told him I was going to hi-jack a plane and atom bomb his house! 

Of course that would be a little difficult....

Sh*t, you should be knocking me... Innocent is right.  I hope she learned her lesson...?   

[flackbait]

I learned that duct tape can double as a bandage!

[CheezeFlixz]

I'm not worried about getting ripped off from an African banking scam because I've already won 20 million euro's in the EU's email lottery. I know this is true I got an email saying I won, several of them actually. Yep that check should be here any day now.

[asimpson2006]

I'm not worried about getting ripped off from an African banking scam because I've already won 20 million euro's in the EU's email lottery. I know this is true I got an email saying I won, several of them actually. Yep that check should be here any day now.

To make it legit make sure you send them money when you get the check.

[indianasmith]

I learned that Barack Obama is a Muslim, undoubtedly an Al Qaeda fifth columnist waiting to destroy our country from within, and that Hillary Clinton was a lawyer for a Black Panther drug dealing murderer when she was still in college . . . .



and that THE GOLDEN COMPASS was actually made by Satan . . .

[Allhallowsday]

I learned that Barack Obama is a Muslim, undoubtedly an Al Qaeda fifth columnist waiting to destroy our country from within, and that Hillary Clinton was a lawyer for a Black Panther drug dealing murderer when she was still in college . . . .
and that THE GOLDEN COMPASS was actually made by Satan . . .

Those are all true... you believe me don't you??      

[Susan]

i learned that armed with a video camera...anybody can become a celebrity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc


Although i really like this guy. He picks a monument and dances in public in front of it to appropriate songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnymIr5vKhQ


I also learned that since being on the net since 1992 people are still stupid and forward chain mail that's been floating around since....the 90s!

[Raffine]

I learned I'm giving myself plastic cancer because I freeze my water bottle.

[Killer Bees]

I learned I'm giving myself plastic cancer because I freeze my water bottle.

Actually you get plastic cancer from reusing the same water bottle over and over.