Whats The Funniest Thing You've Said Today

[Trevor]

And one from Dan: "I shall now fart non-stop."

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[The Burgomaster]

While I was having my cardiac catheterization last week, the cardiologist asked me how I was doing.  I responded, "Great!  They should make this a ride at Disney World."

[Trevor]

While I was having my cardiac catheterization last week, the cardiologist asked me how I was doing.  I responded, "Great!  They should make this a ride at Disney World."

I don't know if I should laugh at that because it's a serious matter but 

Isn't it amazing how doctors always seem to ask you how you are? My usual reply to mine is if I knew how I was, I wouldn't be here. 

[The Burgomaster]

This morning I went to cardiac rehab for the first time.  The nurse said, "Remember, no sex for about a month."  I said, "Thank you.  That's more frequently than I usually get it."

[Trevor]

This morning I went to cardiac rehab for the first time.  The nurse said, "Remember, no sex for about a month."  I said, "Thank you.  That's more frequently than I usually get it."

[Rev. Powell]

This morning I went to cardiac rehab for the first time.  The nurse said, "Remember, no sex for about a month."  I said, "Thank you.  That's more frequently than I usually get it."

Do you think she was coming on to you? 

[AndyC]

Daughter: "That's a little bit funny."

Wife: "What's a little bit funny?"

Me: "This feeling inside."

[Psycho Circus]

"He punched me in the ass, because I changed his head".

[Leah]

WAFFLES!

[Psycho Circus]

WAFFLES!

Waffles, Mardi Gras, Voodoo, stale stuff...

Yeah, yeah, we get it. "Funny" 

[Trevor]

"He punched me in the ass, because I changed his head".

[Psycho Circus]

"He punched me in the ass, because I changed his head".

There's a guy I work with and he has pictures up of him and his son in our office. So, I kept cutting all these different people's heads out of magazines and sticking them over his head.

[Trevor]

"I've got to go take a crap."

the sensation of gas building in my guts goes away.

"Then again, maybe not. I guess I'll just go sit on the toilet and see what happens."

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[Vane]

I was walking through the woods the other day (so its not today... sue me) it was a really beautiful area and my friend dubbed these woods - Narnia -  Promptly after he made his declaration i was slapped in the face by a thorn bush. My response was
" Narnia is like Compton "

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

"I am so far out to sea on this all I see is plankton"