THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[AndyC]

Gumby in Robot Rumpus - I love this short. There are so many funny lines, I might as well just post the whole thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M4_XZ3FLHw
"Thank goodness for the internal genitalia."

"That squares my breasts!"

"So Gumbo just goes to work starkers?"

"Oh boy, crackers! Maybe we can even have white rice!"

And Servo's horror at the robot dismemberment. "They hung his head! This is worse than Seven!"

[Rev. Powell]

THE KILLER SHREWS

[The cast discovers a killer shrew in the basement]
JOEL: Honey, I think we got puppets down here.
CROW: Hand puppets?
JOEL: Yeah, they're under the stairs, so I don't think they're marionettes.

[ChaosTheory]

from PARTS

"Do you cry a lot, Clone Daddy?"

"Huge lamps of the 70s, tonight on BIOGRAPHY!"

(Keenan Ivory Wynn steps outside to find clone-boy sprawled in the garbage)
Servo (as Wynn) "Are you one of them preverts?"



from BOGGY CREEK 2

(during the opening football game)
Mike (as football player) "The cheerleaders suggest that we go!"
Crow: "I'm going!  The cheerleaders' plan is working!"

[Rev. Powell]

"Century 21 Calling" (short)

TOM: C'mon, let's go grope that Eskimo!

"A Case of Spring Fever"

CROW: Where does Coily fit into God's plan for us?

[retrorussell]

APPRECIATING YOUR PARENTS:
Narrator: Tommy likes to be with his parents, and this evening is a little special.  For it's the day for Tommy to receive his allowance. (dad hands him money)
Crow: Here's a penny.  Happy Birthday.

Narrator (describing Mom's daily routine): She cleared the table, washed the dishes and put the food away.  And made everything spic and span.
Joel: While suppressing her own dreams..

Narrator (as Tommy plays football with friends): And he knows that to have a good game, you must all work together.
Crow: And take steroids!
Narrator: And everyone must do their share.
Servo: Or have a rich dad.

A DATE WITH YOUR FAMILY:

Servo (upon seeing the title card): The Woody Allen story!

Narrator: This boy and girl coming home from school seem pretty content with life.
Crow: They're high!

(Older brother runs into younger brother)
Narrator: Hello there!
Servo: Who are you?

Narrator (describing the family's table-seating etiquette): Brother seats junior.
Crow: Daughter obsesses with the flowers!
Narrator: Then helps mother with her chair as he would his best girl.
Mike: The less said about this, the better.

Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.  I said, pleasantly, for that is the key note at dinnertime.  It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow: Emotions are for ethnic people.

Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess, in this case, Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

Narrator: Mother and Father guide the converstaional trend if they desire.  After all, they made all this possible.  And they want to talk over their day with each other.
(Camera on Father)
Crow: I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.

[Trevor]

The Final Sacrifice

Joel: "Oh, he exploded before they could shoot him."

[Bharbara Egan's credit appears onscreen]

Joel: "That's an illegal use of a silent consonant."

[Trevor]

from Monster a-go go
Narrator: There is one terrifying word in nuclear physics...
Trio: Opps
Narrator: Radiation
trio: ohh

[Trevor]

(Akio wakes up with his head shaved)
Tom: Those girls are cannibals.
Joel: They ate my hair?

[AndyC]

The Final Sacrifice:

"Hi! I'm Billy the Building!"

[Trevor]

From Mystery Science Theater The Movie:

Tom: "Why did they put the toilet in the middle of the room?" 

[AndyC]

From the movie:

(Flying saucer speeding through the atmosphere in flames)
Servo: Nothing to see here. Just a weather balloon. Just some swamp gas.

(In Meecham's laboratory)

Crow: The secret government Eggo project.

Mike: My waffle! Oh, the humanity!

Cal: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Servo: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.

(Characters inside the vapour-filled conversion tubes)
Crow: Must be like they're inside a bong.

Servo: Cal and Exeter wake and bake every day!

Mike: Ew, I saw Cal's pubic bone!

[Rev. Powell]

HERCULES UNCHAINED

Narrator: This is the land of Attica...
ALL: Attica!  Attica!  Attica!

Iole (gets out lute): Let me play a song for you, Hercules.
CROW: [hums the opening riff from "Smoke on the Water"]

[Villain laughs wickedly as he tosses innocent townsfolk off a wall to their death]
TOM: That wasn't really funny, must be some kind of Greek observational humor.

[AndyC]

The Final Sacrifice:

Pipper: It's a symbol of good. It will mean the end of Satoris' power.
Mike: And if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

[AndyC]

The opening credits of The Day the Earth Froze.

Crow: It was just like the winter of '75, when it got down to forty below.
Joel: Oh yeah, but when you consider the wind chill, then it's about a hundred below.
Servo: Oh yeah, and you know, it was a good thing I had the snowmobile suit for to go over by Evelyn's house.
Joel and Crow: Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah.
Crow: It was so ding-dang cold I'd go outside and the stuff in my nose'd just freeze right up.

[Rev. Powell]

THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN

[Chaney Jr. puts on a jacket]
JOEL: Oh, he's indestructible, but he still needs a light wrap.

[A body has just fallen into the street and a crowd gathers]
TOM (as an Irish cop): Alright, gather round everybody, lots to see, show's just startin'.

[After the Chaney Jr. is killed]
TOM: You know, maybe he wasn't the title character.  Maybe someone else was the Indestructible Man?

HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN

[Old guy is leading Herc through hidden passages]
TOM: Oh, it's not hard to find once you know your way around and of course... [suddenly spikes spring out from the wall, impaling him] Ow!  I forgot I had that put in!

[The princess is displaying her ample cleavage]
TOM: This movie comes equipped with its own airbags. 

[Herc has been pretending he's in love with the evil Queen]
Queen: I gave them Bilas...
CROW (as Herc): Jeez, I wonder what you gave me!

But the biggest laugh of the episode...

[Coming out of nowhere, one of the moon monsters sticks his fist out and hits Herc in the face, knocking him to the ground]
ALL:  Yay! (applause)