THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[AndyC]

Village of the Giants:

(Beaker blows up on Genius, splatters red on his glasses)
Crow: I blinded me with science!

And the whole running gag with Ron Howard and Willow.

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

Tom: "Bigfoot for Wrangler Relaxed Fit." 

[AndyC]

The Dead Talk Back:

(Renee's body is uncovered)
Servo (singing): Don't rot away Renee...

Murderer: My Dad gave me that crossbow.
Tom: His grandmother knitted it for him.
Murderer: Dad and I used to go hunting together.
Mike: He'd hunt me, and then I'd hunt him. It was a good system.

Krasker: If there is an entity or spirit present in the room, it would be possible through a method known as telekenis (sic), or the moving of objects by thought, to move the vibrator contained in the speaker.
(Sarah watches with interest)
Mike (as Sarah): Mmm, vibrator.

(Wooden stool rises off the floor)
Crow: Yeah, big deal. My stools float.

[Trevor]

QUEST FOR THE LOST CITY

Mike (on picture of Randy Vasseur): "Hey: get this caterpillar off my lip." 

[Rev. Powell]

MASTER NINJA I

Narrator: John Phillip McAllister: the only Occidental American man ever to become...
CROW: Miss Japan!
Narrator: ...a ninja.

[Claude Akins is walking away from the camera]
JOEL: Say what you want, Claude Akins has a nice rump.
[Claude Akins turns around]
CROW: You guys talkin' about my butt?

[Timothy van Patten kills villain Clu Gallagher with a throwing star]
JOEL: Good thing he studied with that ninja for ten minutes.
TOM: Now this movie is Clu-less!

[AndyC]

Servo's vocal for the Catching Trouble theme is funny, and it actually sounds good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfKxTu4PLWI
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[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Tom: "Hey, just don't shoot at me for a couple of minutes, OK? Thanks." 

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SAGRIFICE:

Mike: [Rowsdower chucks a full crate off the pickup]: "Can you take these to recycling? Thanks." 

[Trevor]

Mike [as Rowsdower]: "I'm about to puke, kid. You might wanna clear out." 

[AndyC]

The Sword and the Dragon:

(Kalin's envoy is announced, and a huge fat man is carried in on a litter)
Mike (singing): We got a great big envoy...

[Rev. Powell]

CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

CROW: Castle of Fu Manchu: where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks.

[Extreme closeup of dying scientist]
JOEL: I'm learning a lot more about this guy's nasal hairs than I ever wanted to know.

[An actor's face is covered with cheesy stage blood]
CROW: Jelly doughnut got away from you, huh?

[Rev. Powell]

CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

[Screen goes dark]
Crow: "Oh, I can't watch this! I mean, I can't SEE this!" 

You really had to see it to understand. The lighting is the worst I've ever seen in a move! It changes several times in a scene and frequently turns too dark to see what's going on.

More lighting jokes...

TOM: This is the first color movie that needs to be colorized.

[Screen goes dark again during a surgery scene]
JOEL: This scene's so gross, even the lighting guy left.

[ChaosTheory]

from DIABOLIK:

Diabolik starts making out w/Eva in the car
Tom: "and this is just a Good Samaritan he met in the tunnel.'
Crow: "She's a GREAT Samaritan!!"


during fight scene -
Mike (as Diabolik): "I hurl my skinnyness at you!"

Servo (as Diabolik): "Ah-ha! They forgot about my pencil-thin arms!"

Crazy horn music plays on soundtrack.
Mike: "Someone's beating up Doc Severenson!"

[AndyC]

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

(Santa has called it a day, as his finger is tired from pushing buttons)
Dropo: My finger's not tired!
Crow: Look out, nose.

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE
[One thug launches a Chuck Norris type kick at Rowsdower]
Crow: "Balanchine!"