THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[retrorussell]

The Crawling Eye:
(2 mountaineers uncover a corpse)
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Karma for that: you've finally cleared up the mystery for me of what the kids were watching in Adventures In Babysitting when Elizabeth Shue walks into the room.  

Thanks Trev.  I don't remember a whole lot about Adventures In Babysitting, other than I really, really hated it.
Eh.. Joan had it coming.  She was pretty but appeared in some awful films.  

[Rev. Powell]

More SKYDIVERS:

BOB: Beth, you get prettier every day.
MIKE: She must have written the dialogue.

[Another scene of girls dancing with the camera focused on the girl's posteriors]
TOM: That's the butt of choice.
MIKE: It won the Palme de Butt at Cannes.

[Rev. Powell]

From RACKET GIRLS:

[While watching scenes of unattractive ladies wrestling]:

MIKE: Two dominant male women fight for superiority!

TOM: This would turn k.d. Lang hetero.

TOM: This movie has taken away the joy of looking at someone's hinder.

[Regarding the older female wrestler...]

CROW: Strut, pout, put it out, that’s what you want from grandma!

MIKE: It's always awkward when you have to break up with your grandma.

[WingedSerpent]

From The Final Sacrifice

Pipper:  Troy? Thomas' son

Troy: Yes, You knew my father?

Crow: Knew him.  He was delicious!

[Trevor]

Another classic for me, although I don't know what film was being riffed. All I know it was a b/w monster film and there was one scene where there were about 200 people gathered around a table. One guy walks by, looks into the group and goes away.

It may have been Joel or Mike that then says: "Hey guys.... am I the only one working here?" 

[Trevor]

[A door slams off screen]

Crow: "That is the sound of the director giving up and leaving."

 

[Rev. Powell]

RED ZONE CUBA:

CROW: You know, Coleman Francis would make a very lumpy mattress.

CROW: I want to hurt this movie but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me.

[Speaking as the odd-looking restaurant owner]
TOM: My father was a can opener and my mother was a wood duck.

[Fake blood splatters on the face of a man being executed by a firing squad]
MIKE: Great, thanks! I'm dying and now I have paint on my face!
[Later, during another execution]
MIKE: Do you want paint in your face?  That's optional.

[AndyC]

RIDING WITH DEATH:

Mike: "I don't think it's fair to say anything is starring Ben Murphy. Lets just say that most of the time, the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy."

"Gavin McLeod Mania! Not Gavin McLeod but an incredible simulation!"

"I'm also a freelance Murray Slaughter."

Crow: "We've disguised the tripolidene as Junior Samples." (The shipment of top secret superfuel is in a bottle with carrying straps that look like little overalls.)

Crow: "Operation Camel Toe."

"The rare male camel toe."

"I am become death, destroyer of small plastic radios."

“So it takes them 13 hours to go from Torrance to Long Beach?”

[retrorussell]

RED ZONE CUBA:

CROW: You know, Coleman Francis would make a very lumpy mattress.

 

The Crawling Hand:

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

Radar Men From The Moon Part 6:

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!

Untamed Youth:

Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

Jungle Goddess:

[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?

Gamera vs. Guiron:

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

Posture Pals:

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

Master Ninja I:

[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled!

[AndyC]

THE MOVIE

(POV from diving plane)
Crow: Green Acres!

Joe: Here's one my wife could use - an interociter with an electron sorter.
Cal: She'd probably gain 20 pounds while it did all the housework.
Servo: Cal, you b***h!

Joe: You know what my kids would say...
Mike: You're not my real father!

Joe: I don't know, and I don't wanna know.
Servo: Just love me!

(waiting for the plane)
Mike: You know, all the problems of a hunky guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Servo: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest, but I'm not an alien.

Mike: Let's escape under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county.

(first view of Metaluna)
Crow: Ewww, it's Michael Stipe's head.

(flaming saucer about to crash)
Servo: Nothing to see here, just a weather balloon, just some swamp gas.

[Rev. Powell]

LASERBLAST

[After a drawn-out scene of a guy conspicuously buying and enjoying a Coca-Cola]
MIKE: Pepsi paid them good money to put Coke in this film.

CROW: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

CROW: Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold onto their belts a lot.

[AndyC]

LASERBLAST

[After a drawn-out scene of a guy conspicuously buying and enjoying a Coca-Cola]
MIKE: Pepsi paid them good money to put Coke in this film.

CROW: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

CROW: Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold onto their belts a lot.

"Are you ready for some football!?"

[Rev. Powell]

LASERBLAST

[After a drawn-out scene of a guy conspicuously buying and enjoying a Coca-Cola]
MIKE: Pepsi paid them good money to put Coke in this film.

CROW: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

CROW: Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold onto their belts a lot.

"Are you ready for some football!?"

Canadians got that?

Actually, that was a riff I didn't like at first, but it kept getting better because of the permutations as it goes on.  It became funny because it was repeated so often in different ways: for example, the despondent "I think that you might not be ready for some football."

[Raffine]

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

Crow: He's the only fish with a butt.

[Rev. Powell]

GIANT SPIDER INVASION

[Alcoholic mom is killed by spiders]
CROW: "I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character…this is great, though!"

[Hicks are shown rioting]
"They’re toughening GED standards! No fair!"

[Singing as the giant spider, as it kills a policeman]
"I injected a paralyzing toxin into the sheriff, but I did not inject a paralyzing toxin into the deputy."

And of course, "Packers win the Superbowl! Wooo!"