THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Trevor]

MAN HUNT IN SPACE

[A very ugly creepy nurse suddenly appears]

Tom, Crow, Joel: "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

[Rev. Powell]

"Commando Cody" Serial

TOM (commenting on the theme music): It's hypnotic.
CROW: Hip? Not. Ick!

The Slime People

A couple of actor jokes...

BORING PROTAGONIST: Can someone tell me what happened?
CROW: Well, you signed a contract your agent couldn't get you out of...

ANOTHER BORING PROTAGONIST: We're all lucky to be here.
JOEL: Yeah, there are a lot of actors who aren't even working.

[Trevor]

MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE:

Joel: "Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photo." 

[Rev. Powell]

MOON ZERO TWO

[Discussing a memorial plaque honoring dead astronauts housed in a locker room]
Astronaut 1: They ought to put that outside where people can see it.
Astronaut 2: People wouldn't like it, it would worry them.
CROW: Yeah, but to make it a splash-guard for a urinal?

Lady: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
TOM: Everyone says that, but no one ever tells me the other way.

[Catherine Schell kisses James Olson on the top of his head]
JOEL: She missed his forehead, that's pretty hard to do.

[Rev. Powell]

UNTAMED YOUTH

[During a jailhouse musical number]
JOEL: Interestingly enough, this scene was included in the film 'Scared Straight.'

[Man hands dehydrated woman flask t drink from]
CROW: Oh, wait, that's my motorman's helper!

[During another musical number]
JOEL: This is probably the longest minute in film history.

[Rev. Powell]

WOMEN FROM THE PREHISTORIC PLANET

Admiral: You can't trust these young planets.
JOEL: They're lazy, and listen to loud music!

[During lizard attack scene]
JOEL: Their technology must be light years ahead of ours, their use of stock footage is amazing!

[Lots of jokes about this character's name...]
Tang: Linda like Tang?
CROW: Well, yeah, but I also like other beverages, like Hi-C.

[Trevor]

LOST CONTINENT

Tom Servo: Brain the size of a walnut.

Crow T. Robot: The dinosaur?

Tom Servo: No, the director.

[StinkerMadness]

The Touch of Satan:
This is where the fish live

Final Justice:
Joe Don Baker: If you wanna catch a pig like Palermo, you go to a pig-sty where he wallows.
Mike Nelson: Well, you'd know pigs.

But the greatest ever is:
Pod People:
First:
It STINKS. (Part 1)
Then:
MST3K Pod People song

Oh and Trumpy stinks as well.

[Rev. Powell]

"Phantom Creeps" Serial

[Heroine is dangling from tree by her parachute straps]

JOEL: Oh, I can see the strings.
TOM: Fresh, delicious tree-ripened girl!

ROCKET ATTACK USA

Hero: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder 5 or 6 million others.
JOEL: That's why we've got to crush them!

TOM (imitating narrator): Special agents are brought in to slow down the film and bring it to a grinding halt.

[Trevor]

BEGINNING OF THE END

[Someone is being eaten by a grasshopper: screams and waves his arms about]

Mike: "He's signing ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!" 

[Rev. Powell]

WILD REBELS

JOEL: You've beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the night is through you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. But now, IT'S MILLER TIME!

JOEL (as Rod leaves bikers lair): Thanks for the wine and the use of your chick and all!

TOM: Banjo! Quit playing yourself!

[Trevor]

THE MOLE PEOPLE

[A wind shakes the tent violently]

Guy: "Avalanche!"
Tom: "No thanks, just had one."

[Trevor]

THE MOLE PEOPLE

Girl: You will take me with you?
Tom : Um, I'd like to, honey, but I'm a gay, married, impotent priest with a terminal illness and occasional herpes and I'm a hologram on the run from the law.

[Rev. Powell]

THE HELLCATS

CROW: She's got really nice skin for a junkie.

CROW: It's the neighbors, they've come to borrow a cup of smack.

TOM: Cut, and print! Let's break for drugs... uh, lunch.

[Trevor]

MITCHELL

Joel [Mitchell steps over the body]: "Hey, here: watch what happens when I step on his abdomen."