THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Rev. Powell]

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Guy: What are they trying to do, wipe us out?
JOEL: Yeah, I hate those wacky morning DJs!

["Seatopia" dancers dance in funny white costumes]
JOEL: Say, these Klan meetings have really lightened up!

[During battle scene]
TOM: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about is sweaty Japanese guys.

[Rev. Powell]

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

[All riffs take place during the scenes where villagers dance to awaken Mothra]

TOM: Rockin' its way to #1, it's "Mothra, You Are Our God." It's got a great beat and you can worship to it!

CROW: How can something sarong be so right?

TOM: It's the Mothra Graham Dance Troupe!

[Trevor]

MITCHELL

Joel: "Oh, let's see: I see Meatloaf, I see Van Morrison and I see Spoooooocccckkkkkk." 

[Rev. Powell]

"Alphabet Antics" short

[Livestock are being loaded on a plane]
Narrator: ..and maybe a cute little piggie or two!
CROW: But now you have to call them 'flight attendants.'

DADDY-O

Dick Contino: C'mon, guys, she coulda pulled away from me in two seconds with that car!
JOEL: Sure, but she was delirious from the smell of bleach.

[Elderly waitress serves Cokes and walks away]
CROW: Thanks mom! Nice caboose... what am I saying?

[Portly villain is pacing with worried expression]
CROW: When is that butter going to get here?

[Trevor]

[Portly villain is pacing with worried expression]
CROW: When is that butter going to get here?

[Trevor]

THE BRUTE MAN

[Detective enters boss's office]

Crow [singsong voice]: "How are things in homicide?" 

[Rev. Powell]

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN

[Nurse peeks under Glen Manning's sheet just after his hospitalization and gasps]
TOM: Well, SOMETHING'S much bigger than we thought!

Glen: I don't want to grow anymore...
JOEL: I'm a Toys-r-Us kid.
Glen: I DON'T WANT TO GROW ANYMORE!
JOEL: I'M A TOYS-R-US KID!

Doctor: ...since the heart is made up of a single cell...
TOM:: What?!
[Doctor continues mumbo-jumbo explanation]
CROW: You're not a real doctor, are you?

[Rev. Powell]

FUGITIVE ALIEN

[Woman hears voiceover narration while wandering through the desert]
JOEL: I gotta lay off the shrooms!

ALL: He tried to kill me with a forklift!

[Every time someone says the name "Rocky"]
CROW: Again?

[Trevor]

MITCHELL

[A groggy Mitchell gets out of the car]

Cop: "You coming, Mitchell?"
Mitchell: "Yeah."
Tom: "You got any moist towelettes, rags, toilet paper or something?" 

[Rev. Powell]

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD

[Title appears in credits]
TOM: They're giving away the ending!

Peter Graves: Paul Nelson here.
TOM: Gunsmoke, nah, it'll never work, call my brother!
Peter Graves: That's impossible!
CROW: Mission: Impossible! That sounds great!

Peter Graves: Listen, you know, in the last 24 hours, men have had their minds, their personalities, their moral standards imprisoned? The whole population has been herded like cattle into the desert! That men have been murdered for failing to obey their new master?
TOM: Yeah, I hate the 700 Club too.

[Trevor]

THE BRUTE MAN

[Poultry truck drives out of a gas station]

Crow [panicked]: "There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!" 

[ChaosTheory]

THE UNEARTHLY:

Tor Johnson: "Time for go to bed."
Joel: "Well said!"

Angry Guy is lashing out at Tor.
Servo: "Tor feel unappreciated."

[Rev. Powell]

STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN 2

Ken: We did it!
CROW: We did it! We killed 20 minutes of movie!

[Captain Joe wakes up from being knocked out]
JOEL: You know, it's the funniest sensation, the room's not spinning.

CROW: Filmed in Convoluto-vision!

[Rev. Powell]

"Mr. B-Natural"

JOEL: Is this Liberace's mom?

JOEL: Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay.

WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST

Army guy: What makes you so sure you're going to find him?
CROW: He's 69 flippin' feet tall!

CROW: My nurse fell down his throat!

[Police discuss setting up a roadblock]
CROW: A roadblock? Why don't you just draw a line on the highway and tell him not to cross it?
CROW:

[Trevor]

THE LEECH WOMAN

Tom: "Why does he have a single meatball in his inbox?"