The truly terrible joke thread

[zombie no.one]

When I left home my mother said "Don't forget to write". I said, "That's unlikely, it's a basic skill"

[SPazzo]

What's green and f**ks grannies?

Me, in my lucky green raincoat.

[Raffine]

Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?










They're not dead.

[Flick James]

I've always been a fan of the classic:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The fish.

[Joe the Destroyer]

Old presidential joke:

What do pantyhose and Saddam Husein have in common?
They irritate Bush.

[TheDope]

A nun, a horse, a dog and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender looks at them and says, What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Mr. DS]

Did you hear the one about the butter and cream cheese?

Don't spread them around...

[Leah]

What did the cucumber say to the onion rings. I'm already prickly because of you.

[Raffine]

Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?
They're not dead.

Where you are in the world, Raff: I've been told that those that have passed there don't rest easy.

The American Institute of Parapsychology named Savannah the "Most Haunted American City".

Bite on that, New Orleans! 

[Raffine]

Can you use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence?

My new coat's got nine buttons but I can only fascinate.

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because someone told him to get along little doggy.

[Allhallowsday]

Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 

What's black and white and red all over? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 

What's black and white and red all over and can't get thru a revolving door? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 

[indianasmith]

What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!

[retrorussell]

Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 

[retrorussell]

A young girl from the country has just gotten her driver's license.  She decides she wants to drive to the city and celebrate with her friends.

She asks her dad, "Can I borrow the car for tonight?"
Her dad says, "Sure, but you're going to have to give me a blow job first."

Disgusted but really wanting to borrow the car, she agrees.  After going down on him for a half a minute, she surfaces and complains, "Ew!  Your d*ck tastes like sh*t!"

The dad says, "Oh that's right, I forgot.  Your brother has the car tonight."

[retrorussell]

One more:

A boy who was visiting some relatives with his family had just turned 12 and was eager to tell everyone the good news.

He went up to his cousin Bernice and said, "Guess how old I am!"
Bernice shrugged.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his uncle Joe.
"Guess how old I am!" he asked excitedly.
"How old?" Uncle Joe asked.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his Grandmother.

"Guess how old I am!"
Grandmother says, "Let me see."  She sticks her hand down his pants and plays with his manhood for a full minute.  "You're 12."
"How did you know!"
"I heard you tell your Uncle."